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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2011 18:00:56 GMT -5
Good wives take their husbands name without giving him crap. It is the only "fair" way to do it. Poor DH. Wait till I tell him the bad news that he has a crappy wife.
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Post by debtheaven on Feb 15, 2011 18:15:47 GMT -5
I had the same issue as GardeningGrandma, I kept my ex's name for many years. Here you need your ex's permission to keep his (her?) name after a divorce, unless you are either a journalist or a doctor. I was a journalist. My ex contested it but obviously I won.
It was important to me because my kids were little when he left. I had a recently-divorced friend who had taken her maiden name who told me her kids' playmates never managed to find her kids when they looked them up for playdates because they didn't have the same last name. I didn't want that to happen to my kids.
Years later I remarried. Needless to say my DH wasn't thrilled about being called Mr Myexhusbandsname.
I could totally understand that. So I bit the bullet (paperwork-wise) and changed it. Six years later I still get the occasional bill that is in my ex's name. I purposefully keep one annual bill (the water bill) in my ex's last name because with three kids with that last name, I figure it can come in handy one day.
It is MUCH harder to change your name in your 40s than when you are just starting out.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 16, 2011 9:14:34 GMT -5
...:::"Traditional does NOT equal fair.":::...
Of this I am well aware. All I am saying is that if traditional-is-not-fair can work in HER favor sometimes (ring) then traditional-is-not-fair should work in MY favor sometimes (name). I can see that the only way to make that happen is to employ the a-la-carte value systems that I've fallen victim to for all these years.
...:::"In fact, your ranting has made me wish I hadn't taken DH's name- not that he ever cared one way or another.":::...
So "liberate" yourself and change it back.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Feb 16, 2011 9:27:11 GMT -5
...:::"where the female children took the mother's name and the male children took the father's name. It sounded fair to me.... ":::... Funny, I was even willing to compromise to this point, and DF doesn't think that is fair. So clearly I need to redefine my definition of "fair" because the only time I see the word being used, it is by someone who wants a situation re-baselined to benefit him/her. Good wives take their husbands name without giving him crap. It is the only "fair" way to do it. Yay! I'm a crappy wife!!! I guess all the emotional support, caring, meals, money, chores, and blow jobs I give to my husband are negated because the 4 letters in my last name are different than the 5 letters in his last name. But seriously, if my husband doesn't care, why do you?
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Feb 16, 2011 9:43:52 GMT -5
I know a heterosexual couple that are engaged and they both have engagement rings. Although his is tungsten carbide and hers is a diamond, they are both very happy with the choices. Not traditional but very fair. If if makes them happy, does tradition matter?
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 16, 2011 12:04:23 GMT -5
"So "liberate" yourself and change it back."
While I didn't have a professional identity when I got married, I do now. I also have some publishing credits, all under my married name, and I really do like being close to the beginning of the alphabet. If I were to change my name again, it would be because DH and I decided to both change to his mother's maiden name. My point is that my decision to take his name is not what makes me a good wife. His decision to buy me an engagement ring (and yes, it was his decision) and to wear a wedding ring (from the beginning, I've said he doesn't have to) isn't what makes him a good husband. I could have my maiden name, and neither of us could wear rings, and that would not change our relationship or the quality of our marriage one little bit. And just to add, none of our friends would have given him a hard time if I had kept my maiden name. In fact, I got a bit of ribbing for taking his name.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 16, 2011 12:40:01 GMT -5
DBF and I want to have the same name, and we will have three to choose from if we get married-- my last name (which we really like), his last name (which I also happen to like, but which neither of us want since it's his dad's name), and his middle name, which is his mother's maiden name.
I have a strong connection with his family, and he has a strong connection with mine-- so I'm inclined to go with the last option, and (continuing the tradition) give our first son my last name as his middle name. (I'm not being sexist; my last name is a boy's name.) That way, we can honor both families.
Also, his mother died recently and I think that taking her maiden name as our last name would be a nice tribute to her memory.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2011 12:43:19 GMT -5
All I am saying is that if traditional-is-not-fair can work in HER favor sometimes (ring) then traditional-is-not-fair should work in MY favor sometimes (name). Obviously what you spent on the ring was a bigger % of your soon-to-be-combined resources than you wished. Too bad you couldn't work it out together. When DH and I married, he was making about half what I was and didn't have a lot of savings. I realized that extorting a diamond of a suitable size from him as some sort of proof of his love would be selfish (and he probably wouldn't fall for it). I figured if I wanted a big rock I should be willing to fund it myself. I looked into the prices of big rocks and realized I'd be happier with a semi-precious stone at about 1/15 the cost. He bought the stones; I bought the setting because I wanted to splurge on platinum/ Neither of us is hiding seething resentments.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 16, 2011 14:38:58 GMT -5
...:::"Obviously what you spent on the ring was a bigger % of your soon-to-be-combined resources than you wished.":::... Heh, anyone whose posted on YM in the last 3 years could tell you that ...:::"Yay! I'm a crappy wife!!! I guess all the emotional support, caring, meals, money, chores, and blow jobs I give to my husband are negated because the 4 letters in my last name are different than the 5 letters in his last name. ":::... You could do all the above AND take his last name. Or does this mean if you took his name, you wouldn't provide all of the above? ...:::"But seriously, if my husband doesn't care, why do you?":::... No logical reason will satisfy anyone. I stand by it being important enough to me that she should obey without grief. ...:::"If if makes them happy, does tradition matter?":::... The point you overlook is that they AGREE. My point is that since I cannot beat a-la-carte value systems, I might as well adopt them. ...:::"And just to add, none of our friends would have given him a hard time if I had kept my maiden name.":::... And if you'd made him change his name?
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 16, 2011 15:01:48 GMT -5
WWBG: I wouldn't have made him change his name, just like he didn't make me change mine. Having the same last name isn't important to us. But if it had been important to me, no, none of our friends would have said anything. (I will note that all of our friends are our friends. We had been part of the same close knit group of friends for years before we started dating. So they all would have known it was important to me, and not given him a hard time.) I changed my name because it was important to my grandparents. Would they have eventually gotten used to it if I hadn't changed my name? Yes. But since they were the only ones it mattered to, that's what I went with.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 16, 2011 16:56:02 GMT -5
WWBG,
I am still not sure how the ring relates to name-changing, but I never got a ring and still changed my name to my DH's. Does that make me some kind of super-wife? And if so, I would like to know what special powers that gave me.
Lena
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 16, 2011 17:05:04 GMT -5
...:::"but I never got a ring and still changed my name to my DH's. Does that make me some kind of super-wife? And if so, I would like to know what special powers that gave me":::...
In my book it does.
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Post by debtheaven on Feb 16, 2011 17:12:13 GMT -5
And if so, I would like to know what special powers that gave me.
Hopefully teleportation?! That's the only power I would want (apart from flying) LOL.
As I stated I took DH's name too because I could totally understand that he didn't appreciate me having my ex's last name.
Lena, there is one thing that makes me sad, which is I am Jewish and for the lion's share of my life, I had a Jewish last name. Both my maiden name and my ex husband's last names were "Jewish". Now I have an extremely goyishe last name (nothing against goys, I married one LOL) but to be honest, I miss that mark of my heritage. My parents were both Holocaust survivors and on some level it feels both sad and dishonest to me to have such a goyishe last name now.
In retrospect, I wish I had reverted to my maiden name immediately after my divorce, rather than having insisted on keeping my ex's last name because of our kids. But I didn't. Once I remarried, it was obvious that that keeping my maiden name would have been fine with my DH, but keeping my ex's name was not. Especially since I have lived here for a great many years and as soon as he moved in, everybody automatically started calling DH "Mr Myex'sname" LOL. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 16, 2011 18:20:45 GMT -5
Darn it, I want to be a super wife. Teleportation, or the ability to be in 2 places at once sound good to me. However, I think I gave up my chance of being a super wife when I insisted on the marriage instead of letting DH incorporate us as an LLC.
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Post by illinicheme on Feb 16, 2011 18:33:37 GMT -5
Even though I didn't change my name, I think I deserve super wife status because I gamble (craps/poker/blackjack), play video games, like most punk music, and don't mind watching movies like Death Note. I also don't decorate with much of anything that could be considered "girly."
I did remind DH about loading the dishwasher last night, though. Maybe that's a demerit.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 16, 2011 19:56:37 GMT -5
You guys are too funny, thanks for making me laugh Lena
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 16, 2011 22:47:55 GMT -5
Sadly, incorporating really was DH's preference. He says marriage laws are just archaic property laws and the incorporation laws make more sense. I pointed out that if we were an LLC and he had medical issues, his mother got to make the decisions. He decided to go with marriage. (He proposed while in the ER with a kidney stone.) Still, I keep thinking that for one of these anniversaries, I'll turn to one of our lawyer friends and draw up the incorporation paperwork, even if we never file it.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Feb 17, 2011 9:31:19 GMT -5
...:::"Obviously what you spent on the ring was a bigger % of your soon-to-be-combined resources than you wished.":::... ...:::"Yay! I'm a crappy wife!!! I guess all the emotional support, caring, meals, money, chores, and blow jobs I give to my husband are negated because the 4 letters in my last name are different than the 5 letters in his last name. ":::... You could do all the above AND take his last name. Or does this mean if you took his name, you wouldn't provide all of the above? ...:::"But seriously, if my husband doesn't care, why do you?":::... No logical reason will satisfy anyone. I stand by it being important enough to me that she should obey without grief. I'd give him the blow jobs no matter what my last name was. And what's with the "Obey" crap? I'm a wife, not a dog. I do my best to make my husband happy. If he asks me to do something, I usually do it, but the minute he expects me to "obey" him is the minute he can walk his sorry ass out of the house and back to his mom's. It goes the other way too, in case you were wondering.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2011 10:57:53 GMT -5
The first time I got married I did not take DExH's name. Good thing because the marriage only lasted a year. The second time I got married I changed my name so my Middle name was my family's name and I took DH's name as my last name. I did it because his name was shorter, easier to spell and in the States fairly famous. I'm still amazed at how many people mispronounce it though. But my favorite marriage name story is when two colleagues had the same name, Goldberg. Her sister asked what name they would use. Not missing a beat my female colleague said "We're going to hyphenate Goldberg-Goldberg!".
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 17, 2011 12:42:05 GMT -5
...:::"And what's with the "Obey" crap? I'm a wife, not a dog. I do my best to make my husband happy. If he asks me to do something, I usually do it, but the minute he expects me to "obey" him is the minute he can walk his sorry ass out of the house and back to his mom's. It goes the other way too, in case you were wondering. ":::...
I've told DF that there are probably only two or three very reasonable scenarios where I expect to be obeyed without question. The first is anything related to my family (a courtesy I've given her). The second is to avert serious injury (ex. boiling water is spewing out so when I bark "get me a towel" I don't want to get questioned).
The third, is going to be that I not be obligated to change my name.
I took a step back and realize I got madder than I should, out of sheer jealousy for some of you. I mean shit... blowjobs just because... wow! But as you've seen over the years, there are too many times where I feel like I have taken a stance that ALREADY involved compromise (ie: starting with "we keep our names" vs. "you are taking mine"), and felt nickeled and dimed for more. As time goes on, I see little choice but to stop trying to "pre-compromise".
This happens at work too. I'm fed up with trying to avoid the scope-dance by coming to the table pre-compromised. I now feel like I have to start from as far off as possible just to get whittled down to what I want. I was stupid to try and start off reasonable, and I've paid for it. I was stupid to give too much too soon, too easily.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Feb 17, 2011 12:47:36 GMT -5
Not missing a beat my female colleague said "We're going to hyphenate Goldberg-Goldberg!". LOL. Did she finish with "Here's your sign".
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 17, 2011 12:53:07 GMT -5
The first is anything related to my family (a courtesy I've given her).
I don't think I would just concede this one. I mean, I'm sure you're a very reasonable person and wouldn't abuse it, but I sure as hell wouldn't immediately, automatically hop to and "obey" if DBF made an unreasonable request "related to his family," such as, "Okay, on Tuesday my sister is going to move in with us indefinitely."
And anyway, how are you both supposed to obey family-related requests if they contradict each other? For example, what if you both say, "We're going to see my family for Christmas"?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Feb 17, 2011 13:35:41 GMT -5
[quote author=wewillbackgowron board=finance thread=2980 post=135358 time=1297964525 I mean shit... blowjobs just because... wow! [/quote] I do it while he's watching Star Trek, even.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 17, 2011 16:28:49 GMT -5
...:::"if DBF made an unreasonable request "related to his family," such as, "Okay, on Tuesday my sister is going to move in with us indefinitely":::...
Fair clarification. I was thinking more of matters of family politics and how I want an issue with my family handled. I expect my wishes to be respected, without grief or fallout.
...:::"I do it while he's watching Star Trek, even.":::...
Of course you do. I'm the only guy in the world who has to put up with the shortages I put up with, especially given what I contribute.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 17, 2011 16:43:22 GMT -5
Fair clarification. I was thinking more of matters of family politics and how I want an issue with my family handled. I expect my wishes to be respected, without grief or fallout.
Like if you ask DF not to mention something specific to your mom, you would expect her to respect your wishes? I can understand that.
Of course you do. I'm the only guy in the world who has to put up with the shortages I put up with, especially given what I contribute.
Haha-- why do you do it then?! Eternal question with you, WWBG...
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Post by illinicheme on Feb 17, 2011 16:43:57 GMT -5
I'm the only guy in the world who has to put up with the shortages I put up with, especially given what I contribute. Cue consistent YM feedback - there's lots of other fish in the sea! Throw this one back!
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Post by illinicheme on Feb 17, 2011 16:45:03 GMT -5
Haha-- why do you do it then?! Eternal question with you, WWBG... Well, he wouldn't get into nearly as many internet flame wars if he was happy and content at home.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 17, 2011 16:47:01 GMT -5
...:::"Cue consistent YM feedback - there's lots of other fish in the sea! Throw this one back! ":::...
The devil you know...
...:::"Like if you ask DF not to mention something specific to your mom, you would expect her to respect your wishes? I can understand that.":::...
Precisely. Not for her to mention the exact thing I wanted hushed because she thinks its "better" and needs to be done.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 17, 2011 17:02:42 GMT -5
And just like "that" I lost my super-wife status. No way in HELL would I just obey my DH ESPECIALLY about his family.
I am not too proud of it, bc I know it makes him un-happy, and I am truly sorry about that, but we are just way too different and I would be perfectly fine never seeing or speaking to them ever again.
Lena
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 17, 2011 17:24:56 GMT -5
...:::"I am not too proud of it, bc I know it makes him un-happy, and I am truly sorry about that, but we are just way too different and I would be perfectly fine never seeing or speaking to them ever again.":::...
That means you can't complain when he disrespects YOUR wishes regarding YOUR family.
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