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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2012 13:42:04 GMT -5
And, people change. What you want when you are 30 might not be what you want at 40. The point is to move ahead together.
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Post by naggie1972 on Mar 28, 2012 13:46:47 GMT -5
It is not ustable if you can adapt to the changes and be a team player, H has never been unemployed and has been in the field for 22 years, 15 years in the private sector. All the lay offs he has been involved with they have let the weaker employees go, not to say that is always the case of course.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 28, 2012 13:47:16 GMT -5
...:::"This is the third time in about 7 years SO has been let go (the first time was 12 years ago).":::...
I was going to say the same thing tbird did. Once every 3 years, while not ideal, is FAR better than some SO's we see on here. In many cases favors are called in, or the other spouse is practically doing applications for them, and 3 months later, the SO either "gets fired for something he/she didn't do" or "quit because the boss is a jerk".
Big congratulations on being able to survive on one income, and having an EF to weather the storm.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Mar 28, 2012 13:47:28 GMT -5
I'm not supposed to get angry or upset because it is NEVER the SO's fault they can't keep a job. I'm just supposed to keep my mouth shut, understand that they are going through a tough time, and put on a cheer leading suite to keep their spirits up. I'm also not allowed to comment on the fact that the "job search" now becomes a full time job and that I still have to work full time, pay the bills, do the laundry, etc. And what really frosts my cookie is the fact that in the last two instances I've seen this coming and the SO has refused to take any advice or take any action on job searches until we reach a "crisis" point. Sorry, had to get that off my chest. Back to our regular programming. My DH is sort of like this with his employment record. He's never been laid off, but, he isn't exactly a go-getter employee, either. He's been like this since before we were dating. My DH is also a very laid back sort of guy. He'll never have a career. For me, it was one of those things that I had to decide either I was going to be able to live with it or not. Luckily, I was able to see this "flaw" before we were married, so less was at stake. It was a better fit that my DH became the SAHD, actually. Now he works part time, and does the grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, picking up, and driving to afterschool activities (which goes in spurts.) The rest still falls on me, including working a ton (60 hours/week, with no letting up because I'm pregnant.) We're a bit younger than you, and it's only been in the past 2 years or so that my DH has taken initiative in the job scene. But, it was of his own choosing. In our situation at least, I could express my disappointment over the situation, but once I started blaming my husband/hinting that he was stupid, lazy or what have you, we got no where fast.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Mar 28, 2012 13:48:49 GMT -5
Without more info you never know but if the OP thinks the job loss and not following through with the certification go hand in hand as far as not pulling their own weight then I don't blame them for being upset. If the SO agreed to do something just to please the OP then there's more going on and they need to have talk. Never too late to change things up but if you're barely staying afloat in your current field then your other half may not have too much faith in you when you talk about doing something completely different especially as you get older. The person not speaking up isn't happy but the other one might feel like they're the stable one and is stressed out. Definitely a discussion for them to have.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Mar 28, 2012 13:50:38 GMT -5
How long is SO spending in between the jobs? Four job losses in 12 years doesn't sound horrible to me as long as he isn't taking huge breaks in between the jobs. I also don't see why he couldn't take over all the house duties while he is looking for a job. There is only so much time you can spend each day going through job listings, attending job fairs and emailing resumes.
Anyway I am glad to hear that the four losses were over such an extended period. From the OP I had an image in my head of someone like my BIL's girlfriend, who has been through 6 jobs since we met her in November.
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Mar 28, 2012 13:51:17 GMT -5
Yes, he needs to treat the job search as a full time job. But, there's no reason that should prevent SO from paying some bills or doing some of the laundry.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Mar 28, 2012 13:52:05 GMT -5
Are we sure that SO = male? Or is that just what we assume?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2012 13:52:38 GMT -5
I guess at some point you can decide to be angry about these things or not. Your spouse is who they are. I sure there are many good qualities as well. Don't lose sight of that and get bogged down on the negative. But, certainly you need to discuss your feelings with SO.
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Post by naggie1972 on Mar 28, 2012 13:53:04 GMT -5
4 JOB LOSSES IN 12 YEARS, yikes to *ME* that is awful, maybe I live in a different universe. I don't know of anyone in our circle that has even 1 job loss or lay off.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Mar 28, 2012 13:53:10 GMT -5
OP, what does your SO do in the IT field?
I am in IT and its a vast field. Some areas are more stable, in demand and better paying. In some areas of IT the turnover rate is high. Areas like customer support, help desk technicians etc tend to be the first ones to let go. If he is one of these fields chances of layoffs will always be higher for him.
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Post by naggie1972 on Mar 28, 2012 13:55:03 GMT -5
OP, what does your SO do in the IT field? I am in IT and its a vast field. Some areas are more stable, in demand and better paying. In some areas of IT the turnover rate is high. Areas like customer support, help desk technicians etc tend to be the first ones to let go. If he is one of these fields chances of layoffs will always be higher for him. That is very true, but YIKES again, 4 lay offs.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Mar 28, 2012 13:57:37 GMT -5
Are we sure that SO = male? Or is that just what we assume?
It doesn't really matter one way or the other as far as advice given. I just picked one because it felt awkward to use "they" as a singular.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Mar 28, 2012 14:11:50 GMT -5
Are we sure that SO = male? Or is that just what we assume? I think that was just an assumption, which I found interesting because I read the OP & thought SO=female.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Mar 28, 2012 14:18:57 GMT -5
Let's see how many layoffs I've had...
2001--company went bankrupt, I changed fields after this 2006--company sold. I was hired by the new company thankfully. 2007--new company went bankrupt
Okay, not quite as bad as I thought. My only downtime was 3 months in 2001.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Mar 28, 2012 14:23:59 GMT -5
I am also going to say "he" just bc I am lazy to keep track of "they", "SO", etc... I think a layoff every 3 yrs is kind of too much. To me that pretty much translates into being laid off either from every single job or every other job.
I guess now the question I would ask - 4 lay offs out of how many jobs?, bc from mid 30's to mid 40's - do people really change jobs that frequently?
So, yeah, if it was me being laid off, I would start getting concern that it's not back luck but my lack of skill or something else to do with me. If it was my DH - and he didn't think that the problem was him, I would be getting slightly ticked off.
Lena
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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2012 14:25:07 GMT -5
Either male/female, SO needs to decide if: - they want to continue with their current career path - what is next? What is the plan? - and if they are at home more, they better be doing the cooking, cleaking, child rearing while job hunting.
Sorry, I am an equal opportunity D*ck!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2012 14:27:23 GMT -5
I dont' think my spouse "better be" telling me to do anything nor vice versa.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Mar 28, 2012 14:30:49 GMT -5
I dont' think my spouse "better be" telling me to do anything nor vice versa. Well, I think the idea is that they would be doing it already and wouldn't need to be "told." For example, my husband never needs to "tell" me anything. It's already done.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 28, 2012 14:32:09 GMT -5
I assumed a female OP because of the cheerleading suit mentioned in the OP. There are male cheerleaders, but it doesn't seem to be a particularly male analogy. A man would probably have said something more like "I have to be the loving supporting husband with endless patience".
FWIW, when DF got downsized, I too got very frustrated with what I perceived was a lack of action. Yes it hurts and some time to feel bad about it is normal. But 8 months later when they are still selling the "I feel bad" excuse, its clear that they are just using whatever gets you to back off.
Though I do know that constantly harping on the "you aren't doing enough" is also the quickest and most effective way to ensure your SO resists every attempt to improve the situation.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 28, 2012 14:35:22 GMT -5
...:::"Well, I think the idea is that they would be doing it already and wouldn't need to be "told."":::...
We had two threads in the last month (mine, and the "friends SAHW doesn't do anything") as well as countless others over the years, which prove that when you are married, your spouse can dig in his/her heels and place the onus for action squarely on your shoulders. You can try a bunch of stuff (talk, reason, negotiate, threaten, beg, plead, starve off their access to money/car, stop doing your share of the work...) but that person ain't working until that person feels like working.
You are pretty much forced to initiate divorce (pay them to leave), make peace with it and support an able bodied adult in perpetuity, or do something amoral and/or downright illegal to fix the problem.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Mar 28, 2012 14:37:12 GMT -5
I'm going to go home and hug my hubby. He is being very nice with my current career crisis. I'm glad he isn't just calling me a lazy slob and telling me to get to work. (Of couse, I am working - but you know...)
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telephus44
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Post by telephus44 on Mar 28, 2012 14:39:32 GMT -5
4 JOB LOSSES IN 12 YEARS, yikes to *ME* that is awful, maybe I live in a different universe. I don't know of anyone in our circle that has even 1 job loss or lay off. I started working in 2000 and have been layed off 3 times. DH and I have been married for 9 years and he's been laid off 3 times (and he works in IT). I'm wondering if the spouse isn't a very career oriented person because they just bank all of the second salary. If I knew that my salary was just going into the bank, I wouldn't bust my butt to climb the ladder either.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2012 14:39:54 GMT -5
IT is easy
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Mar 28, 2012 14:43:46 GMT -5
But how many jobs did you and your DH have in that time frame? BTW, I know one company in MA that laid off hundreds and hundreds IT people last year Lena
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telephus44
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Post by telephus44 on Mar 28, 2012 14:53:32 GMT -5
But how many jobs did you and your DH have in that time frame? BTW, I know one company in MA that laid off hundreds and hundreds IT people last year Lena Actually, more than that considering we moved across the country when we got married and then moved back again, so there was some job hopping that didn't involve layoffs. I've held 8 jobs since 2000 and DH has held 7 in the last 13 years.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 28, 2012 14:57:57 GMT -5
Not that the world needs more teachers but there a ways to work a full time job and get your certification.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Mar 28, 2012 15:00:48 GMT -5
Telephus, I hope you guys are doing OK, that must have been hard.
Lena
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Mar 28, 2012 15:25:21 GMT -5
Actually, for the first time in my life I'm considering not working because I don't value the money I'm bringing in more than the time I'm losing. This shows in my work ethic. After years of being very driven, I now spend my days wishing I was home, doing chores and waiting for the kids to get off the bus. I might have the same fantasy if I needed my income - but now when I think about it, and then some unhappy thing happens at work I think to myself "F this job. I don't need it." And then I half-ass my work for the rest of the day/week.
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telephus44
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Post by telephus44 on Mar 28, 2012 15:26:42 GMT -5
I started working in 2000 and have been layed off 3 times. DH and I have been married for 9 years and he's been laid off 3 times (and he works in IT). I'm wondering if the spouse isn't a very career oriented person because they just bank all of the second salary. If I knew that my salary was just going into the bank, I wouldn't bust my butt to climb the ladder either. makes no sense to me at all - what does ability to save have to do with not trying? I'd love to be saving a whole salary! if you have a huge safety net and you're not seeing any benefit to having a second income - how hard are you going to work to avoid a layoff? Hell, if we were banking all of my salary and they were considering layoffs where I work, my first thought wouldn't be that I had to suddenly be the best employee ever. If I got cut, I'd not only have all my expenses covered, but I'd still have the same standard of living. Maybe if my second salary was being used to pay for lobster dinners and expensive shoes, I'd worry more.
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