CPWnyc
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Post by CPWnyc on Jul 5, 2011 11:45:49 GMT -5
I just need to vent... I find it strange that how people can talk so-called taboo subjects like ..sharing your intimate sex/marital relationships in the office or among friends, but talking about financial success is the big no no. People only talk about money if they need to brag about something they bought, or very expensive vacation they took or complain that they are living pay check to paycheck.
In my circle of friends/coworkers, nobody dares to share how they are working hard to achieve their financial goals. I would love to see other people successes so I can learn/emulate their success. I also would love to share my success with others but I find that sometimes sharing your success and trying to help others achieve similar success is more hassle than it’s worth.
I've seen it all the time...even here on YM. When someone tried to share his/her success story, what the poster got was the snarky remarks by some YM posters. That discourages people not to share their financial success because 1- people think you’re just bragging. 2- people think you were just lucky( ex- born into a wealthy family, parents paid for the college, married a rich spouse, etc.) 3- people think it's impossible i.e you’re lying/making it up. When it comes to my financial success, I used to have an"open book" policy with my friends but now I just lay low. I've got fed up with the judgemental and jealousy attitudes even from the closet friends.
My BFF of 20 yrs who knows too well how hard we've struggled and sacrificed to achieve where we are today, even says stupid remarks like " oh well, you married a rich guy so you could afford that". We both have same backgrounds(1st gen. immigrants),went to the same school, have the same career, earn pretty much the same salary, but I find it hard to believe that I'm now hiding my success from her. I don't want her to feel resentful.
Does anyone have the same situation?Do you hide your financial success from others( friends and family)?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2011 11:48:02 GMT -5
I generally don't talk about fiancial details with friends. That is why I come to YM!
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 5, 2011 11:49:45 GMT -5
It is funny how taboo these things are. A few months ago we had way, way too much to drink with a good friend of ours. Same deal - been close to the guy for 25 years, and I know he is doing really well in his career. After our millionth drink he said "We are all 6-figures here, right?" Even though we were all 3-sheets, the subject changed pretty quickly after that. (Of course, after we celebrated by pouring ourselves another and saying "Cheers.")
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2011 11:52:40 GMT -5
After our millionth drink he said "We are all 6-figures here, right?" Even though we were all 3-sheets, the subject changed pretty quickly after that. (Of course, after we celebrated by pouring ourselves another and saying "Cheers.") What a bunch of fat cat rich folks, partying it up on the backs of the poor.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Jul 5, 2011 11:52:44 GMT -5
Personally, I find it distasteful when people talk about their own financial success (in person not on an anonymous board ;D). My DH and I are probably in a lot better shape than some of our friends but I don't feel the need to rub it in.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 5, 2011 11:53:38 GMT -5
Would it help to know that we were drinking 2-buck chuck?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2011 11:54:33 GMT -5
Would it help to know that we were drinking 2-buck chuck? Trying to make yourselves feel better by slumming it for a night? You people make me sick.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 5, 2011 11:59:05 GMT -5
We share our financial success and failures probably a little too liberally.
So far it's been okay though, and it gave my SIL enough comfort to ask to borrow money from us this weekend. I know that usually isn't a good thing, but we trust that she'll pay us back (monetarily or in tons of babysitting) and we've been in that situation before too. She could see that we had the money, but that it took some finangling to get to (so we'd miss it if she doesn't pay us back), and we actually busted in to DS piggy bank for the last of it because I refused to go to a 3rd atm. She commented that she really needed to get a piggy bank, so I hope that it leaves a lasting impression and she follows through.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Jul 5, 2011 12:00:28 GMT -5
I don't talk finances with anyone except my mother, in real life. It's not so much a taboo, because there's nothing exceptional about my finances. It's mostly a feeling that it's nobody's business and I don't want people knowing intimate details about my money. But I am very reserved, and that includes gossip, sexual life, etc.
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lazysundays
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Post by lazysundays on Jul 5, 2011 12:02:39 GMT -5
hmm, I just posted the retirement calculators on my facebook so my 30-something friends can look into it.... was that taboo?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2011 12:03:38 GMT -5
I am grateful for this forum for just that reason - even if we are a bit snarky about successes.
I have a lot of family members who have been laid off, who have lost the value in their homes, or experienced other setbacks during the recession. I was fortunate enough to get a rather sizable promotion this past year, but I've felt like I can't talk about it or be excited. I just keep telling people "I changed jobs" and describe it in terms that make it sound like a lateral move.
I don't need people to blow a bunch of smoke up my butt that I got a promotion, but it feels very strange to be downplaying it to the extent that I am.
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crockpottin
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Post by crockpottin on Jul 5, 2011 12:08:39 GMT -5
Yeah, I tend to keep the exact details of my finances to myself IRL. I have friends who have a zillion dollars in student loan debt, live paycheck to paycheck, etc. I'm not wealthy, but I have no debts, so I feel like talking about that kind of thing would come across as bragging. It would be nice if money wasn't quite the taboo subject, but I guess that's what YM is for
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Waffle
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Post by Waffle on Jul 5, 2011 12:10:32 GMT -5
I have a "good" job in a small (5000 people) town and live in the newest (but not the most expensive) subdivision in town. So some financial success is evident. But specifics I definitely keep to myself.
Probably a little too much so - I found our recently that my mother was worried (she complained to one of my aunts) that I wasn't preparing for retirement. LOL.
I told her it was just a misunderstanding. The company I work at is for sale and thus my job is a bit uncertain at the moment - I told her I couldn't retire. I meant that if I lost this job, I would need to find another - not that I would NEVER retire - which is what she took it to mean.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jul 5, 2011 12:13:28 GMT -5
I brag about my money as much as I can, because I don't have a fancy car or big house to show everyone that I have money.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2011 12:26:14 GMT -5
So some financial success is evident. But specifics I definitely keep to myself. Same here. We have a decent house and I wear good clothes and jewelry sometimes, but nothing flashy. We're not flashy people. We talk about our vacations but mention using airline miles and getting hotel stays from credit card points. We're doing better than most of the people we know (but not all) because I've been blessed with marketable skills and steady employment. I'm about to book a cruise- our first ever and it's going to be darned expensive because it's a 78-passenger boat through Alaska's Inside Passage. I was going to post on FaceBook that we had it planned for next year, then realized someone would ask what ship, cruise line, etc., which would then make it very easy to figure out what we spent. We've had vacations this expensive before, but it wouldn't be as easy for someone to put a price tag on it.
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tskeeter
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Post by tskeeter on Jul 5, 2011 12:42:34 GMT -5
Yes, we don't share many details about our finances with most of our families. They can see that we have a nice house, buy new cars rather than used, and travel a bit. And they are aware that when push comes to shove, we can write a check to make small problems go away. But, beyond that, why create a situation where jealousy can start to fester? Our families don't need to know the size of our retirement accounts or that we could have paid cash for our house.
Even among family, where everyone had the same opportunities starting out, envy is liable to exist if too great a disparity in lifestyle becomes too obvious. Under the circumstances, it is hard to accept responsibility for all of your choices and acknowledge the sacrifices and efforts of others that contributed to their financial success.
Another factor that can come into play is the perceptions of family members when estates are being settled. I think there is a tendency to think "I should get more because so-and-so doesn't really need it." Heck, I react that way some times, even though we'd be those that don't really need it.
Why open the door to conflict when all that is needed to avoid the conflict is keeping some of your financial information to yourself.
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Catseye
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Post by Catseye on Jul 5, 2011 12:43:40 GMT -5
To a certain extent, yes, I do hide my financial success. It seems that everyone I know/socialize with is in debt up to their eyeballs, or at least claim to be, and I don't want them to know exactly how much better I'm doing than they are because it's like rubbing salt in a wound. And most of these people make more money than I do. The main reason I've got some money in the bank is by not spending. Not trading in my 9 year-old-car, not using credit cards, shopping wisely, living frugally. Reading the YM board helps quite a bit, too. I recently told a good friend that I was close to reaching my goal of a 6 mos. expense fund and she congratulated me. Then she told me that she admired my money management skills and that she's been praying for her own money management skills. She's a college grad, why she doesn't read a book or visit websites to gain these skills, I don't know. For some reason, it just doesn't click for some people. So when you try to share your success story or share your knowledge, I guess people think you're rubbing their noses in it.
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backontrack
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Post by backontrack on Jul 5, 2011 12:48:26 GMT -5
I relate to so many of the things other posters have said!!!
With my family in particular, I feel like if I mention any financial success they seem to feel entitled to something. When I was first out of college my family knew my income (which turned out to be more than either of my parents made) and I ended up being the one to pay every time we went out to dinner, which was often. I got my first new car and my family borrowed it frequently because their cars were older and mine was better for roadtrips. Not that I didn’t want to share with my family, but at the rate at which I was going, I would have been deep in debt if I hadn’t removed myself when I did.
It’s actually kind of funny, but I think my mom thinks that we are in financial need now because we chose to have DH stay home with the kids. Well, and because I tend to be more frugal than she is, so if I decide that something isn’t worth purchasing she seems to translate it into us not being able to afford it. I think she realizes we are ok after a comment I made this weekend about retirement savings.
Even sharing financial successes with DH seems unfulfilling. Maybe because he is hands off with money or I’m concerned that he will take it the wrong way since he SAH, but it is never really a topic of discussion, just passing comments.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 5, 2011 13:01:04 GMT -5
Same here. And it's really just one or two family members - but word travels, and I know if I confided in someone I trust, word would eventually get around to one of the mooches and I'd be fending off loan requests for the next 20 years. It sucks, because my sister is young, has a very good head on her shoulders, and I know would benefit from some of the wealth-building advice on here - but I'm afraid to send her the link because I don't want the financial details I've shared to be passed around the Thanksgiving table.
We just bought a house and can "afford" for DH to go back to school, so I would guess others assume we're not destitute, but I try to play up my massive SLs and play down retirement contributions and investments...
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olderburgher
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Post by olderburgher on Jul 5, 2011 13:04:27 GMT -5
My wife and I do not discuss our finances with anybody including people on YM, other then to say we are doing okay. No I did not marry rich and neither did she. I never made s figures except for three months one year and she never did but we are doing okay. My grandmother used to say: "Self Praise Stinks" and I heard it enough it sank in. I don't need to go around and tell this or that about us because it is a form of bragging. We apply that to financial issues and other things as well and yes we are likely doing better financially then my brothers and her sisters but that is not their business and their financial affairs are not my business unless they needed help and asked.
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bobosensei
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Post by bobosensei on Jul 5, 2011 13:15:44 GMT -5
It is hard in the military because everyone can look up what you make. And most of the civilian workers are either on the GS scale so they have a public salary too or you can find out relatively easily about how much someone makes.
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patchwork150
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Post by patchwork150 on Jul 5, 2011 13:21:08 GMT -5
Big yes to the OP's question- yes, I have to hide my small success. So does DH. We come from poor (me) to poverty (him) backgrounds, and are still surrounded by people in these situations. Our families, friends, even co-workers. We have really worked hard the last year and a half to get where we are- we are debt free, saving for retirement, saving to buy a house, etc. We have just over 21,000 in liquid assets right now. BUT, compared to everyone around us, we are pretty darn 'rich'. We live simple lives- no expensive cars, house, etc.
If most of the people who know me KNEW I wasn't living paycheck to paycheck, I would be asked for $ all day long. I already function like a bank for SOME certain people in the family/friends, and that is with them thinking we are just getting by ok!
It's hard for sure. I would love to have people in RL that I could talk to about these things other than DH. I can't even overshare with my parents! It's really frustrating that here in this day and age we can't be happy for each other, be positive people without letting jelousy or judgmental attitudes get in the way.
ETA: I do the same thing as other posters- I play up bills and college costs, etc. They don't know I have the cash in hand before the bill even comes. I downplay our savings- 'we're just saving little by little, every $1 counts right?'
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2011 13:35:47 GMT -5
I used to be very open, in fact everyone knows about my blog and that has how much I have in retirement savings. However, I just had an experience with my mom that is making me question it. She was unset by the amount I had saved and that I was saving $400/month into my retirement savings. I think it is because she put money towards my wedding. There were somethings we did not find important for our wedding and she did, therefore she bought them. She felt better after I told her how much SL's we have and if you did not count the car as an asset we were in the negative. I can't believe she would feel good about that. I knew she does not like "rich" people but come on.
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dancinmama
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Post by dancinmama on Jul 5, 2011 14:04:20 GMT -5
In my circle of friends/coworkers, nobody dare to share how they are working hard to achieve their financial goals. I would love to see other people successes so I can learn/emulate their success. I also would love to share my success with others but I find that sometimes sharing your success and trying to help others achieve similar success is more hassle than it’s worth. I've seen it all the time...even here on YM. When someone tried to share his/her success story, what the poster got was the snarky remarks by some YM posters. That discourages people not to share their financial success because 1- people think you’re just bragging.2- people think you were just lucky( ex- born into a wealthy family, parents paid for the college, married a rich spouse, etc.) 3- people think it's impossible i.e you’re lying/making it up.Does anyone have the same situation?Do you hide your financial success with others? YES, YES, and YES!! When we were young and first starting out, we had the opportunity to be around many older, wealthy people. There were not many other younger people in their social circle and they loved giving advice about finances and getting ahead and we soaked it up like a sponge. I had a career for over six years and then gave it up to be a SAHM, cutting our income by 50%. Because of prudent planning and being a smart consumer, we have been able to do what most people would consider to be quite well for ourselves. Fast forward to 5 years ago when I found YM. I THOUGHT that maybe I could give share with young people (as was shared with us) how we were able to muddle through in life and do pretty darn well. Most of my comments were really well received, but gradually people began to get snarky. One of the ways that I personally contributed to our financial success was by running our household like a business. I did everything possible to keep our "overhead" low without sacrificing our "middle class" lifestyle. One tool that I used was coupons. What I started to do 24 years ago was a form of what many people today are calling extreme couponing, but not nearly to the extreme as what is shown on TV. Low and behold, I found the Grocery Challenge on WIR in its earliest stages. I was fed up with all the snarky comments on YM and decided that my time might be better spent on the Grocery Challenge helping other people to learn to use coupons to their greatest advantage. I found that my help was much more appreciated there, and that is where my focus has been ever since. After the switch to Proboards, I have dipped my toes again in to YM and some of the other forums; and even though YM seems to be much more civil, I am pretty guarded about what I post and tend to post generalities rather than details as I had previously done. IRL, IF we have talked about finances with anyone it has always been people who are doing MUCH BETTER than us. We have never felt a twinge of jealousy and have ALWAYS been happy for their successes, which is what I guess makes it work. We do not have the "why them and not us?" mentality.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2011 14:06:55 GMT -5
I don't hide it, but I don't really talk about it either. Personally I don't really care what people think. Even a drunk conversation like "We're all making 6 figures right?" would come across as tacky to me. I don't blame people for being curious what others make, but who really cares. There are so many moving pieces that people just have no clue what people can/can't afford.
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dancinmama
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Post by dancinmama on Jul 5, 2011 14:08:31 GMT -5
It is hard in the military because everyone can look up what you make. And most of the civilian workers are either on the GS scale so they have a public salary too or you can find out relatively easily about how much someone makes. Yes, but salary alone is no indicator of financial success.
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CPWnyc
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Post by CPWnyc on Jul 5, 2011 14:41:34 GMT -5
IRL, IF we have talked about finances with anyone it has always been people who are doing MUCH BETTER than us. We have never felt a twinge of jealousy and have ALWAYS been happy for their successes, which is what I guess makes it work. We do not have the "why them and not us?" mentality. You said it much better than I could have. I've always enjoyed your posts. Like you, I don't get envy by other people successes. Instead, I am curious and want to know how they got their success. I enjoy reading other LBYM's financial sucess stories. It gives me the motivation I need to stay focus on my financial goals.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2011 14:42:16 GMT -5
Yes, yes and yes. Only two people in our lives have somewhat of a picture of our financial success: my mom and mother in law. But they don't have exact figures. Only folks on YM
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2011 15:00:45 GMT -5
IRL, IF we have talked about finances with anyone it has always been people who are doing MUCH BETTER than us. We have never felt a twinge of jealousy and have ALWAYS been happy for their successes, which is what I guess makes it work. We do not have the "why them and not us?" mentality. You said it much better than I could have. I've always enjoyed your posts. Like you, I don't get envy by other people successes. Instead, I am curious and want to know how they got their success. I enjoy reading other LBYM's financial sucess stories. It gives me the motivation I need to stay focus on my financial goals. I'm not all that curious about people's success in the corporate world. Realistically, you just work hard, get some luck, and play the game. I'm sure you could pickup some tips, but I'm not too curious about advice like "Find a mentor and have lunch with them once a week". blah, blah, blah. I'm more curious about people that started businesses from scratch. Their experience is more relevant to me, but to each their own. But on the topic above, if someone voluntarily mentioned their income, then I wouldn't find it tacky and I'd be happy for them. But I would find it tacky if they tried to find out mine. And I'd never make time to hangout with people that were the type to brag about their income. I used to indulge people when they acted like idiots, but I kinda have just moved past it now. I don't spend time with self-involved morons.
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❤ mollymouser ❤
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on Jul 5, 2011 15:08:44 GMT -5
My wonderful DH's military salary is a public record. Anyone who knows our address can look up our house on Zillow, see the purchase price and the property taxes.
But as to discussing financial details? Never with family, rarely with close friends who bring up topics, and much more often on money-related message boards.
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