Wives that Work

[Deleted]

This is prompted by the Loop/Dark Honor drama of the weekend, but it's a serious subject. What do you expect of your spouse when you both work?

I worked part-time (and went to school part-time) when my kids were young. It was the only way I could make it work since I was also expected to cover 100% of the housework, 100% of any childcare outside working (including always being the one to take off from work for a sick child), 100% of billpaying, 100% of cooking, and so on and so on. My DH played golf on Saturdays, and we spent most Sundays at church.

I tried working full-time a couple of times, which always meant commuting 45 minutes one-way. It never worked for me.

So assuming a fairly traditional division of labor . . . women what do you expect your spouse to do since you work as hard as he does. Men what household chores do you assume? Feel free to shift the division if it's different, though, at your house.

It's funny, but I have a retired husband now . . . and I still work. I still do 100% of the housecleaning, and 80% of the cooking (he eats out sometimes and cooks for himself but never for us). I do all of the laundry including ironing. He does take out the garbage (insists on it), turns on the dishwasher, and a few other "manly" things.

So it's probably a generational thing. But I'd like to hear because what I heard in the Loop/Dark Honor thread is that he would like her to work "just enough" to pay her student loans but not so much that it changed their family dynamics in any significant way.

[Gardening Grandma]

When DH and I married, I was an empty nester. We worked together, so we commuted together. We pretty much divided the housework/ chores.
I cooked. He cleaned up. On weekends, one Would vacuum and the other would clean bathrooms. We both did laundry. We eachl made our own lunches.

We're both retired and it's pretty much the same. I cook, he cleans up. He usually vacuums and I'll clean the bathrooms.

We never really sat down and talked about it. He understood that "fair is fair". Since I worked fulltime and contributed equally to the household finances, he needed to contribute to the labor.

It probably helped that he has a lower tolerance for disorder than I do. LOL.

[vonnie6200]

Jun 26, 2011 20:51:22 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

This is prompted by the Loop/Dark Honor drama of the weekend, but it's a serious subject. What do you expect of your spouse when you both work?

I worked part-time (and went to school part-time) when my kids were young. It was the only way I could make it work since I was also expected to cover 100% of the housework, 100% of any childcare outside working (including always being the one to take off from work for a sick child), 100% of billpaying, 100% of cooking, and so on and so on. My DH played golf on Saturdays, and we spent most Sundays at church.

I tried working full-time a couple of times, which always meant commuting 45 minutes one-way. It never worked for me.

So assuming a fairly traditional division of labor . . . women what do you expect your spouse to do since you work as hard as he does. Men what household chores do you assume? Feel free to shift the division if it's different, though, at your house.

It's funny, but I have a retired husband now . . . and I still work. I still do 100% of the housecleaning, and 80% of the cooking (he eats out sometimes and cooks for himself but never for us). I do all of the laundry including ironing. He does take out the garbage (insists on it), turns on the dishwasher, and a few other "manly" things.

So it's probably a generational thing. But I'd like to hear because what I heard in the Loop/Dark Honor thread is that he would like her to work "just enough" to pay her student loans but not so much that it changed their family dynamics in any significant way.

Why on earth did/do you put up with this?

[Deleted]

Yes, the lower tolerance does help. My DH knows that if something bothers him before I get to it, he is free to take care of it. So every once in awhile he will run the dishwasher or clean the stove or whatever.

[midjd]

I work 40 hours a week and commute about 2 hours a day... DH goes to school about 36 hours a week and commutes about 2 hours a day (except Friday). He also works 4-8 hours a week.

We are both pretty tidy and things are split pretty equally. We each do a couple of loads of laundry and a few loads of dishes each week. If one of us makes a mess, we clean it up. We each feed/water the animals when one of us notices an empty bowl. DH does 99% of the yard/outside work (not insignificant - 1.5 - 2 acre yard), and I do most of the actual "cleaning" inside. DH is a straightener, but doesn't really clean... I do the dusting/toilet cleaning/kitchen cleanup, windows, sweeping/mopping, etc. I also do the grocery shopping.

Oh, and DH does all the cooking. We both prefer it that way

Neither of us has a problem with the division of labor. We probably spend 10 hours a week on it, including cooking. When DH graduates and gets a job his hours will be a little longer, but his commute will be much shorter, so I doubt anything will change.

[Gardening Grandma]

I have to echo Vonnie's question.

I would not put up with a husband that expected me to do 100% of the houseowrk if we were both retired.... Is it a Southern thing? I had three aunts come visit me (all from the south). They were astonished when, after dinner, DH started clearing the table. I said , "let's go into the other room to talk" and they asked, "what about the dishes?". He said, "I'll take care of them."

They think he walks on water! LOL. (I do too) ;D

[Deleted]

Why on earth did/do you put up with this?

Vonnie, I am probably "programmed" as a SAHP. Remember that as a teacher, I actually do stay at home about 2 and a half months out of the year.

When I had small children, I couldn't do it all, which is why I worked part-time. When I got divorced (kids in college), I actually worked two jobs. I was that used to overachieving.

It's not a big deal to me as long as DH doesn't complain. He doesn't. He knows the rule: if it bothers you first, do something about it.

[achelois]

I also did all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, laundry, bill paying, chauferring the kids. I worked full-time nights. I didn't get a lot of sleep. I went to school two evenings a week and my MIL watched the kids during that time.

When I went to anesthesia school, it was M--F. I had to be at the school/clinical at 5 am, which meant getting up at 3am. Got home around 6 pm most nights. Stool worked two 12hr nightshifts 7 p to 7 a
on Friday and Saturday nights. Still responsible for all cleaning, cooking and laundry. Kids old enough to not need babysitter, thank goodness.

I have less work being single even though I do all the inside work and all the outside work. At least I don't have someone leaving clothes and dishes all over and expecting me to cook every night etc. I have not found a man so far that brings enough to a relationship that makes him worth all the extra work he involves.

I suppose there are some out there but I have quit looking. Too much work sifting through the trash.

[Deleted]

Yeah, GG, it might be a "Southern" thing. I've never noticed any of my friends' spouses being more helpful than mine. And I have no complaints about mine because he does tidy up after himself. I was only talking about real cleaning like toilets and mopping and vaccuuming.

[midjd]

It might be a generational thing, too... MIL and FIL both work full-time, but MIL does all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, child-running, etc. FIL does the hunting/fishing (To be fair, it reduces grocery costs!)

[Deleted]

Lonewolf, I have a friend who loves the fact that she never has to pump gas. Her husband always makes sure she has enough. So I understand your husband and the grocery belt, etc.

To be fair to my DH, he always paid a housekeeper. So he may not know how to do real cleaning. Lol. I won't pay, though. Our house doesn't take that long to clean.

[Deleted]

Here is what we do... We both work full time and have the same commute (we car pool)

Me:
Cook most meals
Do most grocery shopping
Handle the yard
Vacuum and dust
Everything financial
Maintain vehicles

Her:
Dishes
Laundry
Bathrooms

I think I need to renegotiate...

[dragonfly7]

I do 100% of the bill paying and scheduling routine car maintenance regardless of who is working more. If I leave these things to DH, they don't get done, and late fees, overdrafts, and car damage happen. (In his words, "You take care of it, so they don't even register in my universe.") Unlike cleaning, these aren't things I'm willing to let slide.

When we both worked, went to school, or some combination of those full-time, I did most of the general horizontal surface cleaning, loaded/unloaded the dishwasher, and folded the laundry because I'm unreasonably picky about how some of these things are done. I'm still working on embracing the FlyLady line, "Housework done incorrectly [or incompletely] still blesses your family." DH and I grocery shopped together, and whomever got home first was usually responsible for getting dinner started. We used to split starting the laundry fairly evenly. He always took out the trash if I asked. Whomever notices the cat bowls are empty takes care of them. We don't have yard or childcare work to worry about yet.

When I was the breadwinner and he was the unemployed SAHH, this changed to DH doing most of the cooking. He also washed most of the clothing until a couple of my favorite shirts were ruined (he didn't know to remove them) and has been afraid to do laundry ever since. I would have liked him to clean more often, or at least do the things I asked him to do on the day I asked rather than 3 days - 2 weeks later.

Now that he is teaching and I'm the unemployed SAHW, I do pretty much all of the traditionally female tasks. We both expect this since I'm here all the time, though there are certain meals that DH still cooks since they turn out better that way.

If I can find employment during normal business hours, I would like DH to resume doing more (most?) of the cooking. His school day will end at 2:30pm, and his is a much better cook than I am.

ETA: DH is from Oklahoma, my part of Missouri is arguably part of the South, and we definitely live in the South now, so parts of our division of labor are likely ingrained habits.

[lurkyloo]

My parents had a 50s-era setup: He worked. She did all the household stuff: child rearing, cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, whathaveyou. Dad is now retired, and Mom is still responsible for all household stuff. Dad likes to come out to visit me for extended periods. He's conditioned not to be responsible for anything traditionally considered women's work, and it actually gets pretty old to come home from work and be expected to cook dinner when he's been amusing himself however he pleases all day. I don't think he has any idea how much extra work he creates...Thankfully, our housemate takes care of most of the general cleaning, so at least it's shared.

[Deleted]

We have no kids.

The things that we both do (sometimes together or whoever gets to it first):
- The bed
- Dishes
- Walking/feeding the dog
- Cooking
- Laundry

My wife:
- Cleaning the apartment (she is a bit OCD about it and prefer to do it)
- Pay her bills (student loans, car loan, car insurance)
- Schedule/remind me of all family get togethers / celebrations

Me:
- Pay all the other bills (rent, my car note/car insurance, cell phone, cable, electricty, etc) and keep track of finances
- Take out the garbage
- Groceries

[cronewitch]

My ex was born in 1931 so pretty old fashioned. When we married he told me he didn't want me to work. His mother and grandmother never worked, did I want people to think he couldn't support me? So I was a housewife about 5 years. He did any manly things like killing spiders and taking care of cars. I took care of cooking cleaning and shopping unless we only had one car and he would go to the store and laundromat with me. Apartment life mostly but if we had a lawn I would take care of it mostly. I went to college a couple of years then explained I needed to get a job to get experience. He had dropped out of high school so we agreed I would work so he could go to college and he got his GED while I was in college. So he allowed me to take a job full time while going to school nights. He found out I couldn't earn much and I explained sex decriminalization to him. He was shocked a high school drop out man could make more than a woman with some college.

He became a feminist willing to fight for women any way he could. So first step was to agree that when a car needed repair we would each take time off work not always me. He also said whenever we could we would hire women professionals. So we ended up with a woman dentist, optometrist and lawyer.

It was pretty nice in the winter in Detroit he would go out early in the morning and warm up both cars, go get gas for both. I got a flat tire or broken thermostat and he would come trade me cars and deal with the broken one. We hired a housekeeper sometimes but when we didn't he did windows and vacuumed since I hated that. He learned to run the washing machine after about 15 years then washed the bath towels and his work clothes, I washed my clothes and sheets and things.

[tallguy]

Jun 27, 2011 0:13:08 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

...and I explained sex decriminalization to him.

And thank heaven they finally decriminalized it. Now, if only we can keep the far-right-wing whackos out of power for a while we're all good....

[Sum Dum Gai]

But I'd like to hear because what I heard in the Loop/Dark Honor thread is that he would like her to work "just enough" to pay her student loans but not so much that it changed their family dynamics in any significant way.

Uh... if that's what I said it's not what I meant. If loop wants to work full time that's cool, I'll take half the household chores. If she makes enough, I'll stay home and do all of it while she brings home the bacon if she wants. What I was saying is that it wouldn't take a full time job, or even a very big part time one, to make a big difference in our finances. So instead of turning our lives upside down and pulling the kids from activities for her to take a job that will net close to nothing after child care, I'd rather just see her get a one or two day a week job. It'll only bring in a few hundred a month probably, but that's fine. It's all we need.

[bobosensei]

DH would help more if I asked (and by help I mean hire help), but he really is too busy. As it is right now he does his laundry, unloads dishwasher in the morning if that needs to be done, and 100% of car care including gas in my car, scraping ice off the windows, and shoveling out my parking space and sidewalk.

I do 100% grocery shopping, cooking, and the rest of the cleaning/laundry that DH does not do. I also take care of the feeding and walking of the dogs. I also handle 100% finances. DH is deployed half of the time and when he is here there is lots of field time and late nights. Obviously when he is gone I do everything.

Even though I work full time, he works longer hours with more responsibility. I want to do everything I can so that we can enjoy his time off work together. In the beginning of the relationship DH did more, but as he got busier with work he just couldn't help out as much. I expect that within the next year I will probably also be doing the few things DH helps with now. He encourages me to hire help, but I am too cheap. Once we have kids (we are 29 now) I probably will get a housekeeper.

If I wanted to stop working DH would totally be okay with that too. We are both from Georgia, and even though he had a working mom and stepmother, he would be okay if I wanted to not work. It would make life for him easier.

[daisylu]

In the beginning, we did almost all chores together. After DH took a swing shift job at a much higher pay, I took over more (ok, pretty much all). But this allows us more quality time when he is at home.

The kids came with me, so I do take care of all sicknesses - except for those that just require rest and he is at home. But he does a lot of stuff with and for them as well.

Me:
pretty much everything inside the house
garden
flower beds

DH:
car maintenance
repairs
mowing/weed eating

DH also works 6 days/week most weeks, and our yard is so expansive that the weed eating and mowing takes almost his full day off - unless he breaks it down and does a little each day.

When he is home in the evening, he helps with cooking and does the dishes.

[Miss Tequila]

When I was a SAHM (11 months when my first was born, 4 months when my second was born and 6 months in 2006 when I left a job) the entire responsibility of the house and children were on me (my JOB was taking care of everything). DH still did things I couldn't do (repaired things). Now we both work and we split the chores pretty evenly. Of course, we pay my oldest to clean the house (she offered since she wants the money and I was hiring a cleaning company anyway) and we have a landscaper cut the grass. It isn't worth our aggravation to lose each weekend doing stuff that we could pay to have done,

Cooking I probably do more of, but he does grill several times a week. Laundry we both do and straightening is done daily.

Overall it's pretty fair and exactly the way it should be. I want an equal partner not a third child so if he didn't do his share I would not stay in the marriage.

[family legacy]

During the summer months (I'm off for 8 weeks) I take care of 100% of the household and 50% of the yard duties (he mows; I weed/garden/landscape) and am completely fine with that. But when I'm working, I would like a little more help. He will fill the dishwasher once or twice a week, change some diapers, and put the toddler to bed. It is not as equitable as it should be. He will only help out otherwise if the stars are aligned. I'm not OCD about cleaning/household duties by any means...he's just REALLY laid back. I am jealous of friend's when I hear/see their spouses helping out around the house.

[tcu2003]

I do:
grocery shopping
cooking
laundry (most of it - DH does help sometimes)
gardening
scheduling (eye doc, dentist, etc.), birthdays, family celebrations
gift shopping (except for his parents - too difficult to shop for)

DH does:
interior/exterior maintenance and repair
yardwork
dishes (I usually help)
vacuuming (cat came with him, so he gets to vacuum)
grilling (I usually do all the prep, so he just has to grill)

We share most of the rest of the cleaning.

[cael]

DF will readily admit I'm the breadwinner in our household! Anyway, right now, we're both still working full time and no kids. DF is getting laid off (we think) by the end of the summer, and he will be looking for a part-time job of some sort and going back to school. While he's home, he's already said he's gonna make the house spotless and cook more ;D I've been doing a lot of the cooking lately since he has been working until 9-ish most nights - good thing about that is I've discovered I like cooking! We mostly share cleaning responsibilities, but I'm a clutterbug, so he gets on me for that and I take care of it (it's mail, paperwork etc that usually ends up piled everywhere). I clean the bathroom, he usually cleans the kitchen.

When we have kids (1-2 years), I will keep working FT and he'll stay home w/ the babies. This is simply because my job makes more... if he ended up with a job that makes more than mine, then I'd stay home and he'd work. If we stay in this area, one added bonus is having my mother around, and I'm pretty sure she'd provide at least half (if not all) of any daycare we'd need, at a very steep discount or possibly free.

DF has no issues with the prospect of being a SAHD for a while - he's actually looking forward to it. He's already very domestic (likes cooking and cleaning etc), and is probably better with babies and kids than I am, after going through having a much younger brother and four nephews. It's nice, everyone says what a good dad he'll be, and they're right a coworker of mine (a male) stayed home with his 2 boys when they were small for maybe 2 years, and has always said it was some of the best 2 years of his life and he'd do it again.

[Miss Tequila]

Jun 27, 2011 7:33:10 GMT -5 resolution said:

So how do you guys decide what is fair? Do you go by how evenly the tasks are split so that each does an equal number? Do you look at how much free time each person gets to try to equalize that way? What if one person is doing the tasks that they like but the other person is doing things they don't like but need to be done?

In my own situation I work full time and I do all of the cooking, dishes, cleaning, bill paying, make the grocery list and about 90% of the laundry. DH mows the lawn and repairs broken things in the house. DH works a 50 hour week, a side job and spends a couple hours a day remodeling our house. He also has a medical condition that requires a 1 hour treatment each day. The house will be done in July, all that is left is putting up baseboard, crown and casing in the foyer and then putty, sanding and painting the trim.

I am not sure how to split the chores up once he is done with the house. He will have other projects that are just as time consuming, but they will be hobby stuff that he will enjoy. His next plan is to fix up the garage and turn it into a wood shop. When I look at the list I am doing all of the work, but when we look at free time I have at least three times as many hours free in the evening as he does. So once he is done with the house I am not sure how much I will ask him to take on.

I go by free time...I will be damned if I am going to be cooking and cleanign while dh sits his ass on the couch watching tv. Let's face it, there aren't many chores that I like but they all need to get done.

[cael]

We just do it however it works out. I mean, we also live in a nice small-ish apartment so there's no yard or lawn maintenance to worry about, just eating and keeping the place clean. DF loves to putter and be handy so when we have a house someday, no doubt he'll do anything lawn or maintenance related happily. That'll probably leave more of the cleaning/household stuff to me, which is fine.

[Miss Tequila]

Oh, and this is funny. Years ago we were at a party with his co-workers. One of his co-workers had a wife that he treated like domestic help. We were sitting there and he said, "babe, go get me a beer" and she proceeds to get up and go get it. My husband thought he would try it so he says, "babe, go get me a beer" to which I replied, "babe, kiss my ass".

[Deleted]

We need to have a "come to Jesus" meeting about this at our house. When DH was unemployed for a year, he'd help out, but ever since he returned to work about a month ago, everything has fallen on me. Yardwork, bills, housework...it's ALL mine. Occasionally he'll throw a load of laundry in or empty the dishwasher, and he'll do something if I ask him specifically, but whenever he does something it's a "favor", when I do it, it never even gets noticed. I don't even get foot rubs anymore!

I know working sucks and wears you out, but seriously, you can't do anything but go to work, come home and collapse on the couch until you go to bed??? I work full-time too, plus have to get the kids ready and shuttled off in the morning, picked up in the evening, and taken to all their activities and appointments.

[zibazinski]

Time to have a heart to heart. That being said, DARK, there's no way I would waste a degree that I spent good money on and earned doing absolutely nothing with it. Like, I said, retail would be happy to have her weekends and that gives you major bonding time with your girls who could really benefit from time alone with dad. The healthiest girls I know had VERY strong relationships with their dads.

[busymom]

I chose to put my career "on hold" when the kids arrived. Not an easy choice, but someone had to take primary responsibility for the kids & all of their activities & appointments. So, I work part-time & DH has the career with the crazy hours. Some days I get less sleep than him, because of all the driving I do for the kids. Since we're in a smaller school district, they often change activity schedules at the last minute (I honestly don't know how the 2-career couples manage all the last-minute changes. I'm guessing their kids don't do many activities.) But, our oldest will be finishing high school soon, so I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm thinking about what I want to be doing when I go back to working full time.