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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2011 8:37:41 GMT -5
We both work full-time but most of the household work falls on me - mostly because DH could live in a junk yard and would have no problem with it. And it's not just laziness... my MIL hasn't worked full time since DH and BIL were very young, and yet the house is NEVER clean so he's used to filth. DH will empty the dishwasher and does all the finances - those are the only things that he's "assigned". Otherwise, if I need his help, he helps me. He'll vacuum, do the laundry, help me clean the bathrooms, help me prepare dinner - but I have to ask him, he won't do it on his own. Do I hate doing most of the cleaning? Yes. But I'd rather not have my home be a festering dumpster.
If I stayed home full-time, I'd fully expect to have no help with any of the housework. And that's fine - I mean if I'm home all day there wouldn't be any reason why the house isn't somewhat presentable and dinner isn't ready in a timely fashion. I'd expect the same of him too if I were to be the only one working.
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telephus44
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Post by telephus44 on Jun 27, 2011 8:49:54 GMT -5
I admit, our arrangement is exactly "fair" but it's a work in progress. We both work full time, and have one child (DS4). We split the parenting duties fairly evenly (pick up and drop off, dr's appts, baths, putting him tobed etc) but I do more of the household stuff. It's not that I do everything, but I do most of it. DH will help when asked, but doesn't think of doing it on his own. He does do more of the "manly" chores - mowing the lawn, setting mouse traps, fixing stuff.
I'll have to admit, DH makes more money than I do, so sometimes I think that I should do more of the chores. Not sure if that's fair or PC, but I'll admit that the idea is there.
I actually prefer working. People may say I don't have a "real" marraige, but I refuse to put myself in a situation where someone else is supporting me. A man is not my financial plan.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 27, 2011 8:52:38 GMT -5
I do more inside work, DH does more outside work. For a while, I was doing almost all of it, and I got really resentful. It was ugly, but once he realized how stressed I was, he rallied and picked up the slack.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 27, 2011 8:57:45 GMT -5
DH goes to work at 4 am and will sometimes work 6-7 day weeks. When that is the case I take over the majority of the housework because I work a traditional 40 hour work week. When he has a regular schedule we split more. His "assigned" chore is to do the dishes every day so when I get home I can make dinner. We've had moments lately where he doesn't feel like it and that's fine, but I don't do them because somehow it always ends up with me taking over. So if he wants to do a mile high pile of dishes on Wendesday instead of doing a small load split between two days that is his call. I do the dusting because DH doesn't care about it. He takes care of the floors because when I did it he would gripe about how I did it, so now they are his responsibility. We split cleaning the bathroom, he does major deep cleaning and I tidy up. He takes the garbage out to the curb, we both take it out in the house. He does the lawn care because it's another one of those things he is a perfectionist about. Then we both split the laundry but I take care of my own clothes because after the last time I ended up with a shrunken lint covered shirt I told him I'd do my clothes myself. I do most of the childcare but that is because my job offers me more flexibility than DH's does. Unless we get lucky and can score a doctor's appointment after he gets off work, in general it falls to me to take her. I am also the one that can absorb taking time off if she is sick, DH could get fired. At home we split it pretty evenly. I don't think we are 50/50 split and I got tired of trying to make it so because that is what everyone "said" it should be. It's impossible to really determine what is 50/50 for us because of our jobs. So we just do it whenever we do it or the other person needs help.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2011 8:59:05 GMT -5
I don't think there's anything wrong with SAHP's, but they need to have a plan. While I talk about it a lot, I doubt I could truly be a SAHM - probably due to seeing my mom go through two divorces. I'd have no problem working part-time so if something did happen, I could just pick up more work or go full-time.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jun 27, 2011 9:02:31 GMT -5
My parents had a 50s-era setup: He worked. She did all the household stuff: child rearing, cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, whathaveyou. Dad is now retired, and Mom is still responsible for all household stuff. Dad likes to come out to visit me for extended periods. He's conditioned not to be responsible for anything traditionally considered women's work, and it actually gets pretty old to come home from work and be expected to cook dinner when he's been amusing himself however he pleases all day. I don't think he has any idea how much extra work he creates...Thankfully, our housemate takes care of most of the general cleaning, so at least it's shared. My father is this way. I can't stand it. He'll look at me and say "I'm thirsty" I'll say "there's X, Y, and Z in the fridge." Then I get a look of confusion. Mom does almost 100% of the housework. Occasionally he'll take laundry out of the dryer or put dishes away. He does 100% of the outdoor work and home repair, including reparing the vehicles (which break all the time). I think the work split is leftover from him having a killer commute when he worked, and Mom working across town. I hate doing housework. I'd prefer to do yardwork. DBF and I split housework pretty evenly, although it's HIS job to handwash anything that isn't perfect out of the dishwasher. I also do most of the cooking, largely because I'm the better cook. He'll cook on days I work later than he does (so I'll be getting dinner most nights this week The only thing I don't do much of anymore is car/tractor maintenance. He's a mechanic, so I don't do that stuff anymore. I also clean litterboxes 90% of the time, but if they need to be washed he does it. Also, he kills the bugs and I kill the spiders. In general, if one of us is doing housework/yardwork the other is helping or doing something else needing to be done so the 'work' will be done and BOTH of us can flop on the couch.
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jeffreymo
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Post by jeffreymo on Jun 27, 2011 9:02:59 GMT -5
Me Mow Grocery shopping Cooking Some dishes Trash All the financial related items Scheduling oil changes and things like that Pick up/drop off son at daycare (when we don't carpool) Getting son ready for school
Wife Weed pulling Laundry Some dishes Bathing our son Scheduling his haircuts Taking care of son's travel related needs - diaper bag and whatnot Son's Dr appointments
We outsource our housecleaning, and are working towards outsourcing landscaping and mowing.
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Mrs. Dinero
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Post by Mrs. Dinero on Jun 27, 2011 9:08:19 GMT -5
We split everything 50 50. It's funny how our pay has always been 50 50 too. I'll end up making $200 more than him this year (I received a raise. He didn't). Yesterday, he mowed the neighbors yard and did the laundry while I sat on my "Command Post" - as he calls it. Saturday, we both cleaned and grocery shopped for a party for our friends. Friday, I cleaned, mowed our yard, and took the kids out for an outing while he hung out with friends at a sporting event all day. Tonight, he'll take DS to a sporting event while I'll miss a scheduled board meeting to stay home with DD. Give and take. It works for us.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Jun 27, 2011 9:19:30 GMT -5
In our house its pretty much division of chores. We never sat down and discussed who gets what. We both worked fulltime when we met and got married. So after maariage we just picked up what needed to be done. Throw in 2 kids to the mixture and chores multiplied. So now we each do what we are ok with. The chores we hate to do, the other person gets to do it I hate cleaning the kitchen after I am done cooking. And DH hates cooking. So I cook and then he cleans I do: All the cooking All laundry (DH has absolutely no concept of TLC for clothes) Most organizing chores in the house He does: All bill payments Everything cars related All yard work Floor cleaning and vaccuming These chores are done by whoever is free to do them: Grocery shopping Bathroom cleaning Ironing Other cleaning around the house
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 27, 2011 9:21:34 GMT -5
About chores: I do 90% of the grocery shopping, and almost all of the "other" shopping (clothes, gifts, etc.). I'm in charge of the financial stuff (that's what my college degree is in). DH can run the dishwasher, take out the garbage, do the outdoor chores, etc. Because dirt isn't noticeable to him until it's rather nasty, I have to show him when the house needs some work. Don't know if he doesn't see it, or doesn't care. Interestingly, he does notice the state the house is in when his parents call, & tell us they'll be over "in a couple of hours".
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2011 9:24:24 GMT -5
My father is this way. I can't stand it. He'll look at me and say "I'm thirsty" I'll say "there's X, Y, and Z in the fridge." Then I get a look of confusion. LOL! I had an Ex like that! It's so sneaky the way they don't exactly say, "do this", "do that". It's indirect. "I'm thirsty." "Do you know where X is?" "Has the mortgage been paid this month?" Translation: "Get me a drink. "Go fetch X for me." "Don't forget to pay the mortgage." My Ex once actually said, "I do what I care to". It wasn't much. I did all the driving DS all over, to the sitter in the AM, (opposite direction from my job, of course), picking him up in the PM, etc. I did all the finances or we would have been foreclosed on. We had a cleaning lady because DH was finicky. I bought all the groceries, DS' clothes, etc. No wonder I was tired a lot of them time. Dinners were mostly stuff from the deli, or grilled food if he felt like grilling, or out of cans. Any time I cooked/baked, he complained about the smell and the mess, even though I was scrupulous about cleaning up. I had to be. Wow. Bad memories. Current DH is retired. At 72 he's slowed down some. He's not great at cleaning but he does it. He does all the laundry. I do the yard work- hot weather is hard on him and I don't mind it, especially since I can listen to podcasts when I pull weeds. He maintains the pool except for opening and closing, which we hire out. We grocery-shop together and he does all the cooking except when I feel like throwing something together. I don't even know where the place is that DH takes the car for maintenance. He does that, too. I do all the finances but I'm a control freak about it and I like it, except when our investments are losing value! I do wish he were better at cleaning but I figure my choices are to nag him (out of the question), get a cleaning lady (I'm too cheap), do more myself (I do, but only if it's something driving me crazy) or live with it. I choose to live with it.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2011 9:29:14 GMT -5
My Ex once actually said, "I do what I care to". <<snicker>> I would ask him if he cared to pack his bags and get the HELL out of my house.
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kimber45
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Post by kimber45 on Jun 27, 2011 9:54:03 GMT -5
LOL, I will probably get flamed for this, but I spoil my DH wayyy too much.
He works full-time, I work part-time (4hrs a day 20hrs wk).
Me All the shopping Cook all the meals Do all the financial stuff Laundry Dishes Pet Care Housecleaning Lawn mowing Plus 90% of all activities related to running our shop
DH All maintenance work on vehicles (what we don't hire out) Snowblowing/plowing in the winter Lots of handyman type stuff around the house (fixed our furnace for example) All the fix-it type work for our shop (cleaning, repairs, sight-ins, scope mts, etc)
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jun 27, 2011 9:59:51 GMT -5
This is not an easy question to get a handle on, because work and home life often conflict, and we often have unexpected events like meeting a repair person or fixing a shower door/plumbing etc that need to be handled.
My DH works 6 days a week. He rarely takes Sat off. He also usually works holidays that lots of people have off like Good Friday and Black Friday.
DH does most of the yard work. Sometimes his Dad cuts the lawn. We could afford a lawn service but he and his Dad both seem to enjoy cutting the grass, so unless DH decides to hire a lawn service, I will not suggest it. DH and I both pull weeds. Sometimes my MIL does it for me. I deadhead the Roses. If DH notices it needs to be done, he will not do it himself, he will tell me to do it.
DH and I both cook, but if he is home, I usually get him to do it. This came about b/c DH is a food critic, so I like to leave the kitchen until the food is ready to be served. At times DH must do 50% of the cooking. When my MIL was our Daycare provider she fed us during the week. It was a great deal for us.
DH will pull the laundry from the Dryer and hang it up. He very rarely starts the washing machine. I am actually OK with this, b/c I have a front loader and it works fine if used as the manual recommends - almost everyone in the house that does a load other than me will over or under load the washing machine.
I do 90-100% of the dishes and am pretty much the only one that loads and starts the dishwasher.
I am the only one who ever cleans the bathrooms. Occasionally DH will Mop the Floor. Sometimes my MIL does it for me - she used to get paid to do light cleaning but she does not have much time. I have not hired anyone else, I have trust issues, am afraid my MIL might feel displaced, and am too cheap to pay someone to do something that I can do myself.
DH is still working on some major construction projects on the house, so I have to give a little on the housecleaning. I do get the impression that DH is thinking that due to his pounding nails on the house he is relieved of housekeeping chores forever.
DH makes the bed every morning. It irritates him that I won't do it. I get up about 2 hours before him and usually load/unload the Dishwasher and do a load of laundry before he gets up. He can make the damn bed (besides he is still in it when I get up). Last night I was up until 12:30 pm b/c I had a load of laundry that badly needed ironing. That is too late for me. My DH always irons his own clothes. He will also iron for me or my kids if asked.
(Modified to correct spelling)
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 27, 2011 10:09:02 GMT -5
Re: fairness/equity:
I don't think salaries are a factor, but free time should be. That is, if I make $100K a year and work 40 hours, and DH makes $20K a year and works 40 hours, we should do approximately the same amount of work, regardless of how much we're "contributing" to the household. But if I make $100K and work 80 hours and DH makes $20K and works 40 hours, he should do most of the work. JMO.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2011 10:17:16 GMT -5
Everyone is so caught up in score cards. "I'm doing 61% of the work - not fair".. Unless you are with a real @sshole that does nothing, just do the tasks and don't worry about it. Do I get tired of cooking every meal? Sure, but I'm the one that is good at it. My shopping, prep time, and cooking is many times more involved than my wife's doing the dishes, but do I care? Nope.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2011 10:20:38 GMT -5
Re: fairness/equity: I don't think salaries are a factor, but free time should be. That is, if I make $100K a year and work 40 hours, and DH makes $20K a year and works 40 hours, we should do approximately the same amount of work, regardless of how much we're "contributing" to the household. But if I make $100K and work 80 hours and DH makes $20K and works 40 hours, he should do most of the work. JMO. All work is not created equal, so I'm going to disagree with you. The guy may be busting his @ss pounding nails and lifting building materials all day while the woman is writing technical documentation in a nice office building. While they both may work 40 hours, 1 is taking a big physical toll.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 27, 2011 10:42:39 GMT -5
I told DF I would clean anything under 2500 sq ft. The main floor is around 1700 or so, I think. Thats the floor I clean. Do not touch the downstairs or the area above the garage. We don't use it or live in it so I'm not cleaning it. But I don't work outside the home anymore, that may or may not change, so I do everything inside. The outside is done for us except for some stuff. I'm glad because I don't want him to come home and work. Summers here are short and that is the time to have fun.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2011 10:53:45 GMT -5
And, lots of "female" type jobs involve heavy labor as well. Sling hash, working in restaurants, nursing care/homes and on and on. I made an example that just happened to have the male in the more physical job. Which ever way we spin it around, all jobs are not created equal.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 27, 2011 10:56:47 GMT -5
I would say DF is there at 57. This place has it done for you as well as the snow plowing. He is very happy about that.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 27, 2011 10:57:51 GMT -5
And, lots of "female" type jobs involve heavy labor as well. Sling hash, working in restaurants, nursing care/homes and on and on. I made an example that just happened to have the male in the more physical job. Which ever way we spin it around, all jobs are not created equal. We all make our choices in life. If my husband chose a more physically demanding job, that would not mean that is absolved of our work around the house.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2011 10:57:59 GMT -5
Is there a point when people don't want to become slaves to their yards? After awhile doesn't that get old? I am finding less is more. Or, maybe i am just getting old and tired. I
My yard is huge, and if you include trimming and weeding the garden, it easily takes an entire day out of the week, but I love that kind of work. Saturday I decided to mow the horse pasture too and it looked so good when I was done, I might keep doing that too. LOL
The only bad thing is it cuts into the time for all the other things that need to get done. Even though it's stuff I don't like...
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2011 10:58:41 GMT -5
Yes, i agree. And, that is something to consider. But, that doesn't negate whatever needs done at home from taking out the trash to cleaning the toilet. Cleaning the toilet is women's work. It is in the US Constitution. You believe in the Constitution right?
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 27, 2011 11:15:40 GMT -5
True, all jobs are not created equal... but that goes for chores, as well.
If the party with the more physically-demanding job did the less-physically-demanding chores (like laundry, dishes, cooking) and the other person took care of the yardwork, heavy cleaning, etc. I think it would still be equitable to divide by "free time".
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 27, 2011 11:22:39 GMT -5
Anything we both hate - we hire out. We hate yardwork - so we hire someone. We hate cleaning toilets and mopping floors - so we hire someone.
We both cook We both do dishes. I do the laundry, but he does help me fold it. We split the shopping, but I do the meal planning. I don't mind grocery shopping. He does more homework with the kids. He does most of the firedrill-type runs to the store (he was at Target at closing last night picking up things I forgot and the kids needed. He always was driving around at 6 am one morning looking for sunscreen.)
It is probably pretty even. Maybe 60/40 - I don't know. I don't think about it too much. If I get overwhelmed he steps in.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jun 27, 2011 11:24:57 GMT -5
We both work the same hours (and carpool) so we have the same amount of time at home. She does all the "household chores" (cooking on our days off, cleaning, laundry, dishes etc), and takes care of the dog. I do everything else (home repair/construction, mowing, etc).
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murphath
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Post by murphath on Jun 27, 2011 11:42:06 GMT -5
Well, my DH owned a restaurant for 32 years and his hours were horrendous: 16, 17 hour days, six-seven days a week. So, in many ways, I was a single parent. But he always did the morning routine: made the kids breakfast and took them to school. He also volunteered in their classrooms for an hour or two through 3rd grade. After that age all the teachers want you to do is grade papers! He always wanted to help the kids that were struggling with math or reading. As far as housework, I did all that and worked full time, took the kids to their functions/games etc. But I was younger then and had more energy! He also made their lunches when he got home from work. He said he was too wound up to go to bed right away so would make the lunches and then do a crossword. The restaurant was great, too, because the kids grew up there. All the customers loved them. They made cute little hostesses/host and would engage the regulars in a conversation or two. As they got older, they worked there "for real". That was to convince them to NEVER go into the restaurant business. He was able to work his schedule so he could coach all three when they played basketball in middle school--and for DD2 in high school. So, I did pretty much all the "technical" stuff of running a household, but he more than made up for that by being the best Father ever. He absolutely loves, loves, loves kids--I told him he should take the 12 ECE units so he could go play at a preschool. ;D
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Jun 27, 2011 11:56:29 GMT -5
Yes, i agree. And, that is something to consider. But, that doesn't negate whatever needs done at home from taking out the trash to cleaning the toilet. Cleaning the toilet is women's work. It is in the US Constitution. You believe in the Constitution right? I think you need to re-read the constition....it clearly states that women spend way too much money on manicures to put their beautiful hands in a filthy toilet
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zippy478
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Post by zippy478 on Jun 27, 2011 12:02:41 GMT -5
DH is Mr. Mom and I actually have had a hard time getting used to this because I was like many others, working full time and going home and doing all sorts of crazy housework. The only "rule" we really have is whoever cooks dinner doesn't have to clean up. That rule is broken most of the time because DH and I both work on cleaning up the house, making lunches, etc. so we can sit and relax together at night. Oh and my other rule is to keep your hands off my washer/dryer unless I specifically ask you to do something. LOL. He just doesn't have the same level of attention to detail as I do (read: I'm a little OCD about laundry...LOL) so I do that. ;D We do menu plan together and put that on the fridge so even if he doesn't cook dinner during the day (and I in no way expect dinner on the table when I get home) he at least knows what we're having and can make sure that it is thawing in the fridge. His domain is grilling and yard work - I happily help him out when I can but for the most part that is all his. He also takes care of minor maintenance/home improvements. My domain is laundry and financials. He's involved in both to some extent and the financial stuff is more me telling him what is getting paid/needs paid but in a day to day sense of it he doesn't really know. But I have set him up with all the info needed just in case he has to do it for whatever reason. It's easier for me to do it because I'm at a computer all day where he to this point hasn't been. Overall we just work together to keep the house clean/running smoothly. I have my mechanic near my office that I will consult on things (like my pending $1,400 inspection that is due in four days ) but he also will tackle some of that maintenance himself to save on costs where he feels comfortable. Oh and he makes me breakfast every morning so I definitely don't expect dinner on the table each night - he's got his hands full with three very active children...all under 6. I wouldn't trade it for the world...
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 27, 2011 12:05:19 GMT -5
We struggle with this. Before DS I did everything. Inside, outside, and everything with the pets (4 dogs and 4 cats--DH brought them home). DH was working 30-40 hours per week on graveyards and in school full time days. I typically worked 2 jobs, or picked up 10+ hours ot on my regular job.
When DS was born and DH was finally done with his bachelors he knew he didn't want to send the message of women's work. So he took care of DS room, did all of his laundry including the cloth diapers. He is primary care for ds M-Th when I'm at work.
We started seeing a marriage counselor when ds was 7 months or so, and her first suggestion was a chore list. 15 months later, and I still can't get dh to even make the list with me. However, he has taken over 80% of the pet care including litter boxes. The rest is hit or miss. We hired a house keeper about a year ago, which helps. We've cut her down to 1-2 per month, but I'll probably bring it back up to 1 a week. We can pay her, or pay the therapist it seems...
DH was out of town a couple weeks ago and he hasn't done dishes, cooked a meal for all of us, or washed ds clothes since. I'm sure ds laundry will be done when I get home. I had to put him in 2t shorts that are 3 inches to wide for him before I left.
My dad has started mowing our lawn, to help out. (He's retired, he offered, and I pay him, but I have to leave it in their house and run!) I'm the one doing landscaping, weeding, powerwashing, scheduling appointments, grocery shopping, vacuuming, dusting, and cleaning in between the housekeepers visits, etc.
I really don't know how to make it fair. Some of it is that there is just too much to do (the animals are the biggest issue) to do and still have an outside life. Dirt and clutter bother me more than they do dh, so unless I want to nag I clean it. Some of it is ds age, but if I'm home I'm doing child care.
He is a great dad. A lot of chores don't get done because they are always out doing something. I'm happy for that, but it's still hard that I'm playing catch up on the weekend.
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