June Budget / Panic Attack

[Deleted]

Ah, so basically he is agreeing with you, not doing it himself. We the fact that you are not going into debt does make a major difference to me. Then I'll agree that you should get the kitty.

[dividend]

Jun 1, 2011 15:02:19 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Unfortunately Firebird would only agree to a hairless Sphyx kitty

Sorry to disappoint you guys, but CK is correct. (It is an issue with allergies as much as aesthetic preference, if that makes you feel any better!)

You become un-allergic to specific pets. DBF is allergic to cats, and he adopted a short haired Russian Blue. He said it took a couple of weeks around it for him to acclimate to the dander, but now it doesn't bother him AT ALL. He gets allergy symptons around other people's cats though. So maybe, if you're willing to put up with a week or so of discomfort, you don't necessarily need need a super expensive freakish looking alien-cat. It might be worth checking with your allergist - could potentially save you like a thousand dollars that you guys really need right now.

[Firebird]

Yep. If the hairless thing worked on you maybe it will work on him..

ETA they are supposed to be a great dog for people with allergies.

Sphinx cats aren't actually hypoallergenic but, being bald, they don't lick their fur. A lot of people, myself included, are allergic to cat saliva. So as long as you have a cat that doesn't lick, you're fine.

So maybe, if you're willing to put up with a week or so of discomfort, you don't necessarily need need a super expensive freakish looking alien-cat.

Yeah but the other part of the equation is me really WANTING a super expensive freakish looking alien-cat ;D

Seriously, if I'm going to have a pet at all I want it to be unusual. DF knows this about me.

My allergies are about 30% of the reason we chose this cat.

[startsmart]

So it was mostly mutual decisions that led us here. I do feel I carry more responsibility since I had a fuller picture of the finances than he did, but we made these decisions together.

Here's my perspective on you and DF and this money management piece. It doesn't seem "fair" that you're the one doing all the planning even if it's your strength, you have to hold the budget reigns, have the stress and make sure neither one of you has an overspend month. Obviously this is new and you have a big upcoming expense and this month is a speed bump but THEN when you come up with a solution that might resolve the cash flow problem you're the one feeling guilty about delaying a want.

DF knows you like the space alien kitty and want it as well so while he may be *more* disappointed it's something you both will miss getting in June.

It's not really about punishing DH for his money mistakes but recognizing that you're a partnership and need to work together not just on the expenditure side but making up the difference and delaying some of the wants you're both looking forward to.

Personally I'd delay the pet a few months rather than the honeymoon a year but it's a decision you two should make together.

[Firebird]

Personally I'd delay the pet a few months rather than the honeymoon a year but it's a decision you two should make together.

CarolinaKat had a really good point about the risk of waiting, though. Financially, we could more easily handle this cat in six months but what if we skip these litters and it's another year or more before the kitten we want is available again? I'd feel terrible that I made him wait that long.

Obviously this is new and you have a big upcoming expense and this month is a speed bump but THEN when you come up with a solution that might resolve the cash flow problem you're the one feeling guilty about delaying a want.

Well, he's never going to get as stressed about the finances as I do (when things are like this, I mean; normally finances and me are PB&J together), but that's actually a good thing. I don't WANT him to feel like he needs to share this guilt and fear I feel right now; those feelings are not healthy responses, they're all out of proportion to the problem and really due much more to me feeling overwhelmed with life right now.

He knows he contributed to the situation and he is committed to fixing it and sacrificing this month so we can get our cat. That's good enough for me.

And again, this is his want more than it's mine. So I just don't feel right saying, "Well, honey, we both screwed up so we're not going to do this thing YOU really want in order to fix it." Especially when, as shanendoah pointed out, it's something I promised him and we've been working toward for a year. Even if he's willing to do it, that just strikes me as petty and mean.

ETA: I don't mean to imply that anyone is mean or petty for suggesting it, because putting off the cat is an obvious and practical solution - only that me DOING it would be petty and mean, in this situation.

[haapai]

Managing money has always come easily to meAnd truth be told, I've never cared too much about my cashflow because I've always had enough cash that it never really mattered.

I'll be the first to agree that both the concept of cash flows and the term itself have certain down-market, seat-of-the-pants, huckster-ish, and euphemistic connotations. There's little doubt that cash flows become more important as one's budget gets tighter. Not planning is probably the easiest way to learn more about the importance of cash flows. The term is frequently used by entrepreneurs and sellers of get-rich schemes. The term also shows up frequently when someone doesn't want to say that somebody's budget doesn't have a prayer of working. (That is, both unemployment and having a mortgage that is four times income can be described as cash flow problems by someone who is trying to be polite.) There's definitely a bad odor associated with caring about cash flows.

There's also that damn story about chickens that haunts me. I definitely resisted building my first cash flow analysis because of that medieval story. I was convinced that trying to project into the future was somehow tempting fate or that my guesstimates would be wildly overoptimistic.

Yes, there are dangers in paying attention to cash flows or using bad data to project future cash flows.

But understanding your cash flows can be useful too. Understanding your cash flows can keep you from getting excited by the strangely high checking balances that occur during 3-paycheck months. Understanding your cash flows can lead you to buy only 5 gallons of gas to get you to the next pay day instead of putting the whole tank plus a soda on plastic. If you understand your cash flows, you aren't confused when Murphy cleans out your bank account and a single really bad month is followed by several more months during which your cash gets disturbingly low.

In your case, you're probably going to land up putting some expenses on a credit card and deferring others. However, understanding your cash flows may make it possible for you to get that balance paid off in July and then, if necessary, put that balance back on for the wedding. Running the balance up, paying it off, and then running it back up again will definitely cost you less interest than carrying it the whole time. It's also likely that you'll exercise a whole lot more discipline if you do it that way.

These particular muscles are very under-utilized, which is being brought to bear now. .

Screw the muscles, get a machine to do most of the work. They're faster, more accurate, and they leave a nice record that allows you to chase down errors or accept the disturbing results.

[Firebird]

Just got a text from DF - he's fine with the honeymoon compromise. I really think that's the best way. If we have some money left over from my parents' gift, we can use it to get our EF back up to snuff. A few extra months of socking away money will make a huge difference, and I'll enjoy our honeymoon so much more knowing that it's fully paid for with no stress.

[Firebird]

In your case, you're probably going to land up putting some expenses on a credit card and deferring others. However, understanding your cash flows may make it possible for you to get that balance paid off in July and then, if necessary, put that balance back on for the wedding. Running the balance up, paying it off, and then running it back up again will definitely cost you less interest than carrying it the whole time. It's also likely that you'll exercise a whole lot more discipline if you do it that way.



Awesome post, haapai, thanks!

[startsmart]

Firebird, I'm suggesting the conversation about choices take place, not that you unilaterally decide. Discuss the risk of not getting the next litter for six months or longer. While I understand your point it's always going to seem like a punishment to delay something you want when you can't afford it. You're not the "bad guy" for being realistic about the budget and cash flow.

Whether or not DF ever stresses as much as you do (and I know it's still less stressful than if he managed some bills and y'all had late payments) he should respect and take into account the solution that would make you more comfortable without playing into guilt. That's maturity in a relationship, otherwise it smacks of parenting. I have had friends who play this out *CONSTANTLY* when something doesn't go according to plan, even when there was a plan, and the person not doing the budget whines "but you said we could buy x *now*" leading to guilt, resentment and usually breaking the budget so the other partner doesn't get upset.

It seems like you came to a good compromise and if you can keep expenses down (and I know you can) then you should be on better footing by fall

[Firebird]

Firebird, I'm suggesting the conversation about choices take place, not that you unilaterally decide. Discuss the risk of not getting the next litter for six months or longer. While I understand your point it's always going to seem like a punishment to delay something you want when you can't afford it. You're not the "bad guy" for being realistic about the budget and cash flow.

Sure, but there's no way that DF would decide to put off the cat if it was just him alone. And if it were just me alone, that's exactly what I'd do. So any way you slice it, it would be a unilateral decision on my part - simply because if I wasn't here, this isn't the way he would solve the problem.

Let's turn this around for a minute. Another way we could ease the cash flow problem is by cancelling the more expensive reception venue, eating the non-refundable $500 I've already put down, and holding the reception at the same venue as the ceremony.

Similar to the cat thing, that would not sit well with either one of us - but it would upset me a lot more than DF. And frankly, I'm not willing to do that unless we are completely out of options. We're not completely out of options.

Essentially, I'm not comfortable asking something of him that I'm not willing to do myself. We could skip the cat (unhappier DF) or we could skip the reception venue (unhappier me) or we could do both, I suppose (equal amounts of unhappy but our budget and cashflow would look great).

Or we could try to do it this way and make us both happy. If "this way" was going to put us into debt, I wouldn't choose it. But "this way" is simply going to put extra pressure on our budget, cashflow, and us for the next four months. It's definitely a trade-off, and this isn't a call I'm making lightly - but I still think it's the best decision.

[wvugurl26]

FB I thought I was allergic to cat saliva. My primary care doctor when I was a kid always told us we could have a tongueless cat Then I was on a plane in January with a cat in the row in front of me. I was suffering from the mother of all allergy attacks by the time that plane landed.

If it were someone else I might have different advice but it looks like its just a cash flow problem right now. You'll have the money by the time the wedding rolls around. It'll be tight but I am sure you can make it work. Once you get past this rash of irregular expenses things should calm down and you can beef back up the savings.

Oh shelties are supposed to be good dogs for people with allergies bc they have hair not fur? Or so my mom tells me but she also has a long haired cat and her husband smokes so I'm dying at her house no matter what. I do know for me cats are worse than dogs and lighter colors are better than darker ones. I read an article explaining the light vs dark but I can't remember now what the reasoning was.

[startsmart]

nevermind, you're reading into my posts what you want to read, not what I'm attempting to communicate.

[Firebird]

nevermind, you're reading into my posts what you want to read, not what I'm attempting to communicate.

Okay... I'm not wild about how you put that, but if I misunderstood you I wasn't doing it deliberately. Feel free to clarify what you meant, if you wish.

[telephus44]

FB, I think what smartstart is trying to get at is thinking more like a team. From your conversation you relayed about the cat, it sounds like either way it's your call - DH assumed you would say no cat, but you decided to say yes cat. Think about it - either way, it's your decision. You didn't sit down and talk about what the effects would be, you didn't both discuss it - it was just your call. Cat or no cat.

I understand that you are better with managing money, but you're setting yourself up for a lot of stress if it's all you. You don't want DH to share your frustrations and guilt - you've said several times that you both caused this problem, but you feel more responsible and you don't want to share the guilt - "I don't WANT him to feel like he needs to share this guilt and fear I feel right now" - but this means keeping YOU keeping control over the budget, and all of the decisions and emotional consequences that go with it. Shouldn't your future life partner want to help you share your guilt and fear?

Really, I'm not saying back pedal on the cat - but you need to be aware that your setting yourself up to hold all the purse strings, and all of the consequences that come with it. It's not a big leap to a parent-child type relationship when one partner makes all the financial decisions. You need to make sure that you're still thinking like a team.

[Firebird]

You didn't sit down and talk about what the effects would be, you didn't both discuss it - it was just your call. Cat or no cat.

Except I specifically said that we discussed this, twice, and that I don't want to make a unilateral decision about something that matters so much to both of us. I have a fuller picture of the finances, yes, which means that if I say this is necessary DF will trust that to be a true statement. So I guess if I really wanted to manipulate him, I could. But since it's not necessary, I don't want to do it just because it would help us when there's something else that we could do that would ALSO help us that I'm not willing to do myself.

I'm obviously not making myself clearly understood here, but my goal is for us to make decisions as a team. And so far we've been doing that. The day-to-day management is my job, which works for both of us, but the major decisions are being made as a team. That's the way we both want it. I don't "hold all the purse strings." Like this month, we're both getting a $200 allowance. I suggested the number last night after reviewing our finances, and DF agreed that it seemed reasonable, so that's the amount we're getting. I made a suggestion, yes, but we made the DECISION together. Similarly, the other night when DF said "So no cat?" I suggested that we consider it and told him that I would give him my opinion on where things stood after I'd reviewed our finances more carefully in the morning.

I don't understand how that translates to "either way it's a unilateral decision on your part."

And no, DF shouldn't share my guilt and fear if those feelings are not appropriate, which they're NOT in this case. I said that too - they're out of proportion to the situation and I need to deal with that on my own. Why would I want him to feel something negative that there's no reason for EITHER of us to feel?

[shanendoah]

...:::And no, DF shouldn't share my guilt and fear if those feelings are not appropriate, which they're NOT in this case. I said that too - they're out of proportion to the situation and I need to deal with that on my own. Why would I want him to feel something negative that there's no reason for EITHER of us to feel?...:::

Sweetie, yes and no on this one. One of the points of having a partner to share your life with is to be able to share all of your emotions, even the ones that you know are out of proportion or silly, or whatever. That doesn't mean you want him to experience those same emotions, but there is nothing wrong with looking for support from your partner.
Sometimes I say to DH - "I know there's no realy reason for X, but here's how I'm feeling." Sometimes all I really need is a hug or some down time together. Sometimes I need him to help out with things that aren't normally his share of the chores. Sometimes I just need him to know how I'm feeling so that he can view my behavior through that filter.

There is nothing wrong with you saying to DF "I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by the finances at the moment. I know we've made decisions that have us on a good path that's doable, but I reacted much more strongly to the hiccups last month than I expected to. I know my reaction was out of proportion but its still something I'm struggling with." That gives him a chance to respond to you and your needs and provide you with the moral support you need, even if you make no more financial changes.

[Firebird]

Sweetie, yes and no on this one. One of the points of having a partner to share your life with is to be able to share all of your emotions, even the ones that you know are out of proportion or silly, or whatever. That doesn't mean you want him to experience those same emotions, but there is nothing wrong with looking for support from your partner.

I didn't say I wasn't sharing my feelings with him - believe me, he knows how stressed out I am over this. I said I didn't want him to share my feelings, which is a different statement in my mind. I have no problem telling him that I'm stressed out and upset over the money situation, and out of that discussion came the idea that we put a hold on the cat. But after talking it over, reviewing the finances and discoursing with you guys, I decided that wasn't necessary after all - which was the outcome he wanted, so good.

[murphath]

And no, DF shouldn't share my guilt and fear if those feelings are not appropriate, which they're NOT in this case. I said that too - they're out of proportion to the situation and I need to deal with that on my own. Why would I want him to feel something negative that there's no reason for EITHER of us to feel?

If nothing else, to help allay your guilt and fear. I manage the finances in our household but DH is in on all major decisions; and when I'm feeling stressed about a financial issue, I know I can discuss with him. We hash it out, toss it around, hug it out and then all is usually right with the world. In other words, if your style is to worry about this stuff when you don't really need to, then your partner can help relieve that. That's being a good team member! ;D

Hope that makes sense.

[shanendoah]

As long as you are both talking to each other and you are both happy with the decision you made (which I think you are), then yes, everything is all good.

[telephus44]

Maybe there was a lot of discussion behind the scenes, but the message you posted with the text message clearly sounded like you're in control of the money. You suggest that money is tight, and your finance leaps to the assumption that you've already decided against the cat. Then you say that you'll look over the budget again and see if you can find the money for the cat. Either way, you sound like you have the control over the money and DH has to "ask" you if it can be spent on a cat. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, and afterall, I'm just an anonymous message board poster. But try reading it again from an outside perspective.

DF (by text): [Breeder] is supposed to be sending us kitten pics tomorrow.
Me (by return text): Honestly, the thought of spending another $2,000 right now makes me feel sick.

Later, at home:

Me: Getting the kitten plus fixing the messes from this month is going to take us through our extra cash until June, which only gives us three months to save for the wedding, which is only an extra $6k at best.

DF: So no cat?

Me: I don't want to put off the cat either but yeah, I think it's something we should consider. I'll run the numbers tomorrow and figure out how tight it's going to be. Maybe it's not as bad as I think.

[Firebird]

DF (by text): [Breeder] is supposed to be sending us kitten pics tomorrow.
Me (by return text): Honestly, the thought of spending another $2,000 right now makes me feel sick.

Which was me sharing feelings. It wasn't meant as a mandate or as a passive-aggressive suggestion; I happened to be going through the finances at that time and I wasn't in the mood to look at cute kitty pictures.

Me: Getting the kitten plus fixing the messes from this month is going to take us through our extra cash until June, which only gives us three months to save for the wedding, which is only an extra $6k at best.

DF: So no cat?

Me: I don't want to put off the cat either but yeah, I think it's something we should consider. I'll run the numbers tomorrow and figure out how tight it's going to be. Maybe it's not as bad as I think.

Which was him asking if it was necessary to put of the cat based on information I had. Since I didn't have the complete information at the time, I told him I would get back to him.

And the conversation didn't just end there, by the way, that's just all I posted. After I said that we talked about the ramifications of waiting on the cat, and how much we'd be able to save, etc.

The only way that you can extrapolate me making all the decisions from that snippet is if, in your mind, access to the financial information = total control of the finances. And I suppose it can, but that's not the case here. It's not like I'm hiding anything from him - I'd send him the spreadsheets I'm working from if he wanted to look at them for himself. But since he doesn't, he's kind of stuck taking my word on all this. But I'm still not dictating what we HAVE to do.

I don't mean to sound defensive but I get frustrated when the way I'm communicating it apparently makes it sound like I'm doing the exact opposite of what I'm trying so hard to do. I know DF doesn't think that I'm making decisions unilaterally, so it has to just be the way I'm coming across here and I don't know how to fix that without speaking for him outright.

[shanendoah]

We are not always able to put every little nuance (or even every word) of a conversation in to the posts, so we shorten it to make the point we're trying to make and don't think about all the other things people will read in to it. Then they read in to it and you suddenly feel like you're on the defensive.

I try to think about things I post here the same way I think about things said in my writing critique group. I listen to all suggestions with an open mind. But because people are only getting a snippet, sometimes they will have comments or questions that I know have already been resolved and dealt with (or, in my writing's case, are resovled the paragraph after what was being reviewed that day). In that case, I just smile and nod, appreciating that they care enough to ask the question, but knowing its already been dealt with.

[Firebird]

Good point. It's not that I don't appreciate the feedback, ladies - I do. I probably shouldn't have quoted directly from conversations because without context I can see why they come off the way they do. I shouldn't be so quick on the defensive. It's a problem of mine, especially on topics when I'm already feeling sensitive.

Anyway, carry on. I'm working now but I'll be back in a little while.

[Firebird]

Just thought I would update...

Things are better now. I have worked out the cashflow for this month, and we will be able to easily handle our regular bills, pay the deposits this weekend, pay off the credit card at the end of the month, and get a really annoying miscellaneous bill out of the way (DF's car company mistakenly debited his old account even though we'd already paid his car payment for the month out of mine, and there wasn't enough money to cover it - so we have a $400 overdraft to clear, which we'll do today before DF closes that account for good).

Plus we should be able to put aside about $500 for kitty next month (we have picked one out and she is GORGEOUS - we're basically dying of anticipation, but she'll be ours sometime next month and I think it will be well worth the wait once we have her in our lives).

So all in all, we're back on track. In a way, this has been a great experience. DF and I have spent a lot of time talking about the mistakes we made, how to avoid letting them happen again, what our goals are, how we see the money being directed after the wedding, that kind of thing. It's been intense. But great. He may not be the best with money, but there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I'm choosing the best life partner I possibly could, and that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Thanks for the great help, everyone.

[midjd]

Aww, congrats! Glad everything has worked out and you're feeling better. And you'll have to post kitty pictures when you get her!

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"DF's car company mistakenly debited his old account even though we'd already paid his car payment for the month out of mine":::...

Glad to hear that the worry has eased up. Sorry to hear about annoying bills from the past. Nonsense like the above is why I never ever EVER give anyone the ability to autobill my bank account, only a credit card. With a CC, you could have just disputed the charge, and shown the payment from the other account as proof.

...:::"DF and I have spent a lot of time talking about the mistakes we made, how to avoid letting them happen again":::...

If you are willing to share, what were the mistakes, and what are the new protections in place to prevent them? For these threads, sometimes its nice to have a "lessons learned" for closure and education of others.

[Firebird]

Midwesternjd, I'd be happy to send you some of her now, if you like ;D She is adorable.

[Firebird]

Glad to hear that the worry has eased up. Sorry to hear about annoying bills from the past. Nonsense like the above is why I never ever EVER give anyone the ability to autobill my bank account, only a credit card. With a CC, you could have just disputed the charge, and shown the payment from the other account as proof.

Yeah. I like paying the bills manually. I do auto-transfer my savings when things are calmer (because otherwise the amount is *never ever ever* as much as it should be) but the bills are not going to be on auto-pay anymore. Unless they can draw it from a credit card.

If you are willing to share, what were the mistakes, and what are the new protections in place to prevent them? For these threads, sometimes its nice to have a "lessons learned" for closure and education of others.

Oh dear, there were dozens. Here were the biggest, off the top of my head (I'm not assigning blame for any of these things - you may consider DF and myself equally responsible for all of them).

1. Combining finances during a month of unusual financial activity.

This was probably the biggest mistake. Even if we had only been moving, never mind the other stuff (which I'll get to momentarily), we never should have tried to combine our finances at the same time. This led to misunderstandings about how much was in our (newly joint) account (for example, DF took money out of the account on the day he got paid, which would have been fine except that I had just written a large check to cover a random moving expense and we didn't communicate about it until it was too late).

It led to a lot of overdrafts, which was quite scary for me as I've never had any before. It was a communication issue, but it was also a function of trying to reconcile a lot of very irregular expenses with our normal ones while figuring out how we would access the money. We weren't organized about any of it.

2. Two very large oversights - a tax bill and a certification fee.

Together, these nearly sunk us. I put down over $1,000 for a very expensive certification exam, and DF received notice that he had an outstanding tax bill from a previous year in about the same amount. Thank the gods, we don't have to pay that bill right away (although it does appear that he owes it) but had I known that was out there, and also had I thought it through a little more carefully, I would not have chosen to take this exam right now.

So add in another ~$2,500 of random expenses.

3. We did not appropriate our cashflow.

In retrospect, this was probably the biggest lesson for me. As shanendoah has pointed out many times, income versus expenses is not the problem here. We bring home about $6,000 per month together and our expenses are about $3,500.

So I looked at that and said "Okay, no problem - we can easily save $10,000 for the wedding by October. And it should be no problem along the way to lay out an extra grand for the cat and whatever else along the way."

However, I didn't factor in the fact that our EF was pretty piddling (around $4k when we got engaged; it's down to $2k now). We've laid out $3,500 for the wedding so far and we've been engaged for about 2.5 months. So on paper, we should not have had to touch the credit cards or the EF so far. Our monthly surplus should have been able to take care of it, and that is the way I planned it. Off paper, it has not been working out that way.

The unexpected expenses are a part of that, but so is the bad planning.

My parents are giving us $10,000 for a wedding present. So in the back of my mind, I've been factoring that money into our budget - although I was still going to be conservative and not go over what we could afford on our own. But we went for a pricier venue. We screwed up a lot of things. We didn't plan properly. And that money has moved from a windfall we're receiving in October and therefore I mustn't think of it as existing until then to something I am basically counting on and mentally borrowing against.

The money is there - or will be there. But as you so aptly said on some other thread (or perhaps in one of our PM conversations, I don't remember) we are now using tomorrow's money today. Not something I have ever made a habit of, and not something I would have consciously chosen to do.

4. We didn't communicate.

I've touched on this before, but let's face it - in order to not kill each other over money in a relationship, you've got to talk so much you get totally sick of it.

We didn't do that.

We had no real plan for combining finances - one day DF just transferred his direct deposit to my account, and we worked it out as we went along. NEVER DO THAT.

If I could have done it over, we would have done things in this order:

1. Sit down and have a talk about how many accounts we wanted to have, and how we should dispense cash to each of us for our monthly allowances.

2. Get all of DF's bills from him, and begin paying them out of my account with him transferring money to my account to cover them as we went along.

3. Change DF's direct deposit so his checks go into my account (making sure he had at least a $500 cushion in his account in case we forgot about any auto-payments he set up).

4. Transfer $X to DF's account each paycheck for his allowance (or have him take it out of the ATM).

5. Cancel DF's checking account, get him a debit card, and use my debit and credit accounts for everything so that we always know, at any given moment, exactly how much money we have available and there's no confusion.

That would have been about a thousand times more orderly and organized, and I bet we could have avoided every single one of our overdraft fees. Instead, we did #3 first which changed EVERYTHING. We are still working on #2 and #4, DF is supposed to be taking care of #5 today, and #1 is an ongoing process but it should have begun before we took concrete steps toward combining finances.

[Firebird]

It looks so messy when I write it all out like that. But financial mistakes do tend to be messy.

Talk. Talktalktalktalktalktalktalk. If I could submit one single recommendation, that would be it. Managing finances as a single person is ridiculously simple and easy compared to managing joint finances. I pretty much assumed it would take me about twice as much time, but basically be just as simple, to manage our money as a joint entity.

Instead, it takes me about four times as long and it's at least twice as complicated. And this is with us being on the same page about nearly everything - our major financial goals, our basic attitudes toward money, our strong preference for me to manage the nitty gritty of it. This is with us having significant resources with which to work. In short, all this happened with us having pretty much an "ideal" setup for joint finances.

It actually scares me to think about trying to combine this stuff if we had ANY major disagreement on values, or if we had less excess cash to save us from our mistakes than we did. In the end, it was a combination of those two things that allowed us to get through these past two months without draining our EF entirely.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

We had no real plan for combining finances - one day DF just transferred his direct deposit to my account, and we worked it out as we went along.

Don't beat yourself up over it, DH and I did the exact same thing.

We're still hammering it out because a new little buddle of expenses arrived last July. I did everything "right" when it came to having her but I had no idea just how difficult it was going to be to juggle everything.

I wasn't paying attention to our cash flow either and DH is the type to go with the flow unless put on alert. So we made A LOT of mistakes in the past few months.

It's getting better and we are slowly getting back on track. We've had our moments lately but at least we have not overdrafted and we are back to saving a little, about a $100 a month.

Not a lot, but it's better than $0. Our EF is lacking too thanks to some unexpected things last year like suddenly being ordered by the city to fix the sidewalk after it being the way it was for 28 freaking years and our dog having a tumor under her leg.

My only advice is just keep on plugging away and take it one day at a time. I make myself sick if I focus too hard on how "bad" things have been and how I don't think they are getting better fast enough.

I am working on setting mini-goals for myself that I can focus on day to day. I have to remind myself we are getting there and that's the point of this whole exercise.