midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 1, 2011 12:39:03 GMT -5
Sorry if my intentions were misconstrued - I was never advocating that Firebird unilaterally decide to delay the cat purchase to "teach" her DF a lesson... just trying to get a feel for whether or not this would be a good idea based on her situation.
Sometimes in my own relationship one or both of us has seized on a "teachable moment" and it has been a great help (individually and relationship-wise)... other times one or the other takes it as an "I told you so" and it turns into a blowout. Still good to evaluate them as they come along.
I think you've come up with a good compromise re: the honeymoon issue.
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haapai
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Post by haapai on Jun 1, 2011 12:39:47 GMT -5
It just hurts because I thought I had a better handle on all this.
Now stop that! There's no reason to beat yourself up for not being able to calculate in your head what your checking balance will be a month from now, two months from now, or even six months from now. Most of the people who claim to be able to do that are either taking shortcuts or lying. Most people's brains go into hibernation mode after the third or fourth round of addition or subtraction. For goodness sake, you just took over your Bf's finances, are in the midst of moving, and just got hit with a ton of irregular expenses. Your list of June cash inflows is seven items long before considering the return of your rent deposit. You have at least 14 different cash outflows, many of which are irregular, listed before you buy any gas or groceries.
Why in the world are you expecting yourself to be able to make sense of that in your head?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 1, 2011 13:00:23 GMT -5
side note: I keep meaning to ask, does he have copies of his taxes from H&R Block? Or does he at least know the office he had them done at in 2008? They should still have records from that time in case of audits.He's looking into that now. The good news about H&R block doing his taxes is that if he DOES incur any penalties due to late payment, they'll pay them (he had a return all three years that he had them do his taxes for and H&R always takes out anything you owe from your return before telling you how much you'll get). I DON'T think your marriage is doomed if you do put off the cat (though, I like the idea of a delayed honeymoon, if it means slightly less to the both of you), but it is important to start considering not just the financial impacts of your decisions but the emotional impacts on your partner for life and your relationship. A pattern of making promises and then putting them off is not healthy for a relationship. Totally agree. As always, I'm grateful for your insight. Sorry if my intentions were misconstrued - I was never advocating that Firebird unilaterally decide to delay the cat purchase to "teach" her DF a lesson... just trying to get a feel for whether or not this would be a good idea based on her situation. I hear what you're saying and like I said, in another situation it might be a good idea. But the elements in play here (I screwed up also, I promised DF, etc.) combine to make me feel like this is not the right time to try to teach him some kind of lesson about delayed gratification. And actually, DF has no problem with that concept anyway. Again - he's been waiting over a year for this, and the reason for that has been me. It took me a LONG time to come around to the idea of having a pet, especially a cat, and then we had to hunt for months to find a Sphinx breeder, then we had to wait for the cats to be born, and now we have to wait for them to be grown up enough to take home. All the while, he would have been fine with a shelter cat. Why in the world are you expecting yourself to be able to make sense of that in your head? Because I'm supposed to be Superwoman No, I don't know. Mostly I just severely underestimated my own abilities to handle a lot of very huge things at once and now I'm seriously nervous about how stressful the next four months are going to be and whether or not I can handle it. Managing money has always come easily to me. And truth be told, I've never cared too much about my cashflow because I've always had enough cash that it never really mattered. These particular muscles are very under-utilized, which is being brought to bear now.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2011 13:58:08 GMT -5
FB, were you the one to say you should postpone the cat or was he? I understand why you feel bad, I feel bad telling my DH no we cannot afford something but that gets me in trouble because often we can't afford it. Or I will do it for a while and then realize the only way to afford it is to not get what I want so often he gets what he wants and I get nothing which sets me up for resentment.
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telephus44
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Post by telephus44 on Jun 1, 2011 14:01:32 GMT -5
I also feel you should get the cat, mostly for the good of your relationship. Your DF "had to convince you" to get one, so to make him go through all the work of "convincing" you and then turning around and changing your mind, even if it is for a good reason - well, that doesn't bode well for a good beginning to a marraige.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 1, 2011 14:08:03 GMT -5
Kind of off-topic, but I've never seen a Sphinx kitten... I'll bet they're incredibly tiny! Our cat is very, very furry (Maine Coon) and I'm always amazed how much she "shrinks" whenever we groom her.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 1, 2011 14:20:02 GMT -5
FB, were you the one to say you should postpone the cat or was he?
I suppose that depends on how you interpret the conversation, but basically me.
DF (by text): [Breeder] is supposed to be sending us kitten pics tomorrow. Me (by return text): Honestly, the thought of spending another $2,000 right now makes me feel sick.
Later, at home:
Me: Getting the kitten plus fixing the messes from this month is going to take us through our extra cash until June, which only gives us three months to save for the wedding, which is only an extra $6k at best.
DF: So no cat?
Me: I don't want to put off the cat either but yeah, I think it's something we should consider. I'll run the numbers tomorrow and figure out how tight it's going to be. Maybe it's not as bad as I think.
(Of course, it WAS as bad as I thought - worse, if anything.)
For midwesternjd:
That's what we hope our kitty will look like. They aren't abnormally small, but I'm sure they do look that way, being bald ;D
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wodehouse
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Post by wodehouse on Jun 1, 2011 14:23:09 GMT -5
FB, awww, what a big baby he is! but getting a cat is like getting married or having kids, you do it with the right person, not when the $$ are aligned. Just hang out at the animal shelters and when the right cat comes along, so be it.Baby? DF? No way. Not sure where you're getting that at all. well, I was trying to make a point that he's a lovable big baby for wanting a cute little kitty cat. Not that he's a big crybaby for not being able to get his cat. Sorry and pardon me.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jun 1, 2011 14:23:55 GMT -5
I think you should get the cat and postpone the honeymoon so you A) have a happier DF and B) aren't stressed over the PTO of an immediate honeymoon and C) maybe can find a killer deal in the 'off season' for said honeymoon
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 1, 2011 14:26:20 GMT -5
I also feel you should get the cat, mostly for the good of your relationship. Your DF "had to convince you" to get one, so to make him go through all the work of "convincing" you and then turning around and changing your mind, even if it is for a good reason - well, that doesn't bode well for a good beginning to a marraige.
Again, I agree with you guys - but just to continue giving equalish weight to both sides, remember that the biggest reasons we're in a cash crunch right now, in this order, are a) the wedding (the overage of which budget we agreed on beforehand), b) the certification exam entrance fee I paid last month, with DF's full encouragement and endorsement, which (assuming I pass the exam) should ultimately increase our income, and c) the unexpected tax bill, if we do end up having to pay that.
So it was mostly mutual decisions that led us here. I do feel I carry more responsibility since I had a fuller picture of the finances than he did, but we made these decisions together.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 1, 2011 14:27:12 GMT -5
well, I was trying to make a point that he's a lovable big baby for wanting a cute little kitty cat. Not that he's a big crybaby for not being able to get his cat.
Sorry and pardon me.
Got it. I thought you meant it like crybaby for not getting his way. Sorry for misinterpreting.
It is very sweet how much DF wants the baby kitten, I agree with you there ;D
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 1, 2011 14:32:22 GMT -5
I agree with finding someplace else to cut like the honeymoon if it is not super important to you guys and get the cat. I
don't know about your DF Firebird, but even if I am right and DH "agrees" with me deep down he would be thinking that I promised we could get a cat, he knows how much I didn't originally want a cat and would be thinking that this is just another ploy to put off getting a cat.
Which would not be true, but I can understand after being married 5 years to the guy that that is how my message would come across.
Something to think about. Might be worth sitting down with DF and saying you understanding he really wants a cat, here are the numbers where do YOU think we should cut back to afford the cat. He might surprise you in what he is willing to come down on or give up in order to afford the kitten.
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❤ mollymouser ❤
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on Jun 1, 2011 14:35:04 GMT -5
You know, I can make you two a GREAT deal on the world's most fun foster kitten, Jo (short for Josephine!) ... her $50 adoption fee includes her microchip, spay, vaccines, deworming, etc... and she's a total lovebug! Her Petfinder listing: www.petfinder.com/petdetail/19585543
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❤ mollymouser ❤
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on Jun 1, 2011 14:36:33 GMT -5
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jun 1, 2011 14:38:27 GMT -5
You know, I can make you two a GREAT deal on the world's most fun foster kitten, Jo (short for Josephine!) ... her $50 adoption fee includes her microchip, spay, vaccines, deworming, etc... and she's a total lovebug! Her Petfinder listing: www.petfinder.com/petdetail/19585543Unfortunately Firebird would only agree to a hairless Sphyx kitty Also, if DF is a big animal lover, it's probably not a lot of fun to be without a pet. You feel like you're missing something, especially if you grew up with them. It's probably more of an emotional hit to him especially if he has had to fight to get one. I know if it was MY choice, I'd take a kitty over an immediate honeymoon. It was superweird for me in college not to be able to have a cat or dog. I had a pet roommate though
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❤ mollymouser ❤
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on Jun 1, 2011 14:43:03 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2011 14:46:06 GMT -5
Unfortunately Firebird would only agree to a hairless Sphyx kittyew. I'll take the furry cute one.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jun 1, 2011 14:48:30 GMT -5
I usually end up with the abandoned unloved underfed injured/bleeding one...
ETA: whether it is hairless or not. But I've never found an abandoned Sphynx kitty
Let me further add 'pregnant' to that list above
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Jun 1, 2011 14:49:18 GMT -5
You guys are making me want a pet. I just showed DH a pic of a american hairless terrier to see if I can pull a FB on him.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 1, 2011 15:02:19 GMT -5
Something to think about. Might be worth sitting down with DF and saying you understanding he really wants a cat, here are the numbers where do YOU think we should cut back to afford the cat. He might surprise you in what he is willing to come down on or give up in order to afford the kitten. We're in full agreement that the wild 'n' crazy spending patterns stop HERE and NOW. There were huge holes in our budget this month, mostly with food (I don't even want to tell you guys how much we spent on food last month ). So, hopefully this won't involve a lot of policing on my part. We're going to decide on a cash allowance for both of us that has to cover our necessities as well as luxuries, and then STICK TO THOSE ALLOWANCES. Unfortunately Firebird would only agree to a hairless Sphyx kitty Sorry to disappoint you guys, but CK is correct. (It is an issue with allergies as much as aesthetic preference, if that makes you feel any better!) I agree that your kitty is very cute, Molly. Thanks for the thought anyway ;D Also, if DF is a big animal lover, it's probably not a lot of fun to be without a pet. You feel like you're missing something, especially if you grew up with them. It's probably more of an emotional hit to him especially if he has had to fight to get one.It's probably a good thing that I didn't realize how much he wanted a cat in advance, or I would have been EXTREMELY hesitant to move in with him. I told him I wasn't a pet person, and he didn't fight me on that at all. I found out later that he used to have a cat that his ex made him give up so they could keep HER cat. DF is still upset about this. He loved that cat. I'm sure we would have eventually found a solution, but taking on a pet and a domestic partner at the same time would have been a lot for me, possibly too much. I don't want to say I'm glad he doesn't have the cat anymore because it sounds like it was an awesome animal but... I can't help feeling it was for the best, all the same.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 1, 2011 15:04:11 GMT -5
ETA: whether it is hairless or not. But I've never found an abandoned Sphynx kitty
That would be one of the most unlikely finds you could imagine. I've heard of people playing fast and loose with expensive animals before, which doesn't make a lot of sense to me to begin with, but these cats are also pretty rare. Like I said, it took me months to find a breeder remotely in our area (the one we found is two hours away and he's the closest by at least 500 miles).
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 1, 2011 15:05:45 GMT -5
ew. I'll take the furry cute one. A lot of people think they're gross - I showed my dad a photo of the babies and he said they looked like weird space aliens come to land. I actually agree, but I still think they're adorable. I've always liked aliens ;D
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jun 1, 2011 15:09:28 GMT -5
FB, I guess I'm lucky in that when DBF started coming over he said "Awesome! You have housecats!!! Then proceded to go about buying them toys and treats. My life would not work with someone who didn't agree with me on pets. He said that the worst thing about living in the barracks is that he can't have a pet. I guess we're a match. Oh, he's started on me about getting a dog too
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jun 1, 2011 15:12:04 GMT -5
ew. I'll take the furry cute one. A lot of people think they're gross - I showed my dad a photo of the babies and he said they looked like weird space aliens come to land. I actually agree, but I still think they're adorable. I've always liked aliens ;D They fall into the "too ugly not to be cute" territory for me. You'd be amazed at what you find neglected and unloved though. I found a perfect tuxedo munchkin kitten abandoned, bleeding and alone. So never say never about the Sphynx ones
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 1, 2011 15:18:42 GMT -5
tuxedo munchkin kittenHad to google that one, but aww. Why would people abandon pets? Part of the reason I didn't agree to a cat until I knew I really wanted it too is because it's such a huge bloody commitment. If you don't want a pet, then just don't get one! Don't get one and abandon it It's the same with kids, only I feel about a billion times more strongly on that.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2011 15:22:04 GMT -5
ew. I'll take the furry cute one. A lot of people think they're gross - I showed my dad a photo of the babies and he said they looked like weird space aliens come to land. I actually agree, but I still think they're adorable. I've always liked aliens ;D They fall into the "too ugly not to be cute" territory for me. You'd be amazed at what you find neglected and unloved though. I found a perfect tuxedo munchkin kitten abandoned, bleeding and alone. So never say never about the Sphynx ones My brother got a huge (like 35 pound) Maine Coon from the animal shelter.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 1, 2011 15:22:51 GMT -5
You guys are making me want a pet. I just showed DH a pic of a american hairless terrier to see if I can pull a FB on him.
Is that short for "pull a Firebird" or something else? If it's the first one, I quite like that expression ;D
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Jun 1, 2011 15:25:59 GMT -5
Yep. If the hairless thing worked on you maybe it will work on him..
ETA they are supposed to be a great dog for people with allergies.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2011 15:27:50 GMT -5
Part of the reason I didn't agree to a cat until I knew I really wanted it too is because it's such a huge bloody commitment.Cats aren't bad at all. Nothing like horses, dogs, goats, chickens sheep and (what the hell else do I have to feed and clean up after out there??) LOL Seriously though, I've never been without a slew of animals to take care of. I grew up on a dairy farm and there were always tons of pets as well as farm animals. I can't imagine life without SOME kind of critter under my care.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2011 15:36:53 GMT -5
Molly, did you have to show the cute kitty... I can't afford more animals but he/she is so cute.
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