Shopaholic?

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"I can't wait to get pregnant. Not because of the whole pregnant process... I just can't wait to start shopping for our baby. ":::...

If I recall a previous thread of yours, she doesn't have to BE pregnant, just THINK she is pregnant. I remember you had a pregnancy scare, and she created two registries. Damn... that adds a whole new level to the word "scare".

...:::"It was a pressure cooker, not a crock pot. I think it cost $100 or something.":::...

I remember that. He put his foot down, and I'm pretty sure she either outargued him, or her mom bought it for her. Either way, she never actually used it.

...:::"and I leave no excessive disposable income in our checking.":::...

Comparatively, I think this is pretty good, because it implies that she STOPS when there is no money to spend. Some people just cannot see leftover money without spending it. But stopping at 0 is an ENTIRELY different situation than her just spending on CCs and not giving a flip about paying the bill.

...:::"I just don't have the income at my disposal to shop the way I want to.":::...

You knew this already, and you know the broader implications of this comment. But so long as you have worked out a system that minimizes the damage she can do (an allowance system, if I recall) then you've found a good compromise. Sure you'd rather that she spend the money paying down those SLs instead of on a new purse that looks exactly like the 10 other ones in her closets, but at least she cannot cripple the family.

...:::"Is she shopping to get high? To self-medicate? To escape? Which emotional needs of her's aren't being met?":::...

This is the part that fascinates me the most. I suppose a clue would be in what she actually does with the stuff afterward. If she allowed you to return everything a few days later, then maybe she just gets off on the rush of filling a cart and walking out with the items. If she refuses to part with anything, then maybe she has some kind of hoarder/gatherer mentality, and feels like she has to accumulate.

Either way, its definitely a rough problem to deal with. If you've found a good compromise, I hope she continues to uphold her end of the bargain.

[saveinla]

May 24, 2011 9:02:36 GMT -5 @justaposter said:

"I mean seriously, she wanted to buy anything and everything and I was like a parent and had to say NO, NO, and HELL TO THE NO (I did buy 2 outfits that she picked up)."

Was she saying "let's get this and this and this" or was she saying "how about this" and you would go no and then she would say "then what about this" and you would say no, and so on. There is a big differance between the two.

And I think cawiau throws his wife under the bus for our entertainment.

[soon2bmomof3]

I'm a shopaholic too, but I'm a cheap shopaholic. I have prices for things that I will not pay more than, no matter how cute. For example, I think spending more than $20 for children's shoes is ridiculous, specially since they outgrow them so fast (My kids are almost 4 and 1 years old). I might have to start upping the limit for DS's shoes though since he's transitioning from toddler shoes to kid shoes.

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 24, 2011 8:24:44 GMT -5 swamp said:

May 24, 2011 8:22:26 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Doesn't she have a little dog that she can dress up? Much cheaper than a baby

Probably more cooperative too.

And when it annoys you, you can chuck it outside and lock the door without someone calling child protective services on you.

Beth makes mental note to karma Swamp later on

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 24, 2011 8:19:39 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I thought it was because she wanted it and then it ended up in a cupboard somewhere.

and she didn't want the $15 one, she wanted the expensive one.

[Deleted]

For example, I think spending more than $20 for children's shoes is ridiculous, specially since they outgrow them so fast (My kids are almost 4 and 1 years old).

DS has super wide feet so we have to buy stride rite shoes. It's killing me. The kid only wears them a month or two!

[Frugal Nurse]

About the shopping for babies- that is probably the most fun part of pregnancy! I haven't ever made it past 12 weeks pregnant, so maybe it gets better, but the first trimester is awful! You get through it by looking at baby stuff. Planning the nursery, comparing strollers, getting cute little unisex outfits because they're irresistible! I bet your wife will love her baby when she has one, the buying baby stuff is just a distraction from all of the discomfort and uncertainty of pregnancy (and of trying to conceive for that matter).

[giramomma]

You might find this link helpful

www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/shopping-spree-addiction

And, if you seriously think your wife is an addict vs. someone with simply poor boundaries, then I might suggest that YOU, cawiau, figure out your boundaries.

Addictions ALWAYS escalate if left untreated. Addicts also only interested in recovery when they hit rock bottom. What will YOU do, if your wife's spending gets worse to protect yourself? How will YOU help your wife to hit her rock bottom? You also may want to consider why you knowingly married an addict, if your wife is indeed one. People don't knowingly marry an addict unless they have got their own issues to work on.

Softer addictions (addictions to things like, food, sex, gambling, shopping, etc) are just as serious as alcoholism or meth addiction. Besides not throwing your wife under a bus here, you really shouldn't make light of the situation. If you feel like your wife is really an addict, do your research and take the appropriate steps to protect yourself. If you wife is not an addict, then don't call her one.

[swamp]

May 24, 2011 10:01:35 GMT -5 Frugal Nurse said:

About the shopping for babies- that is probably the most fun part of pregnancy! I haven't ever made it past 12 weeks pregnant, so maybe it gets better, but the first trimester is awful! You get through it by looking at baby stuff. Planning the nursery, comparing strollers, getting cute little unisex outfits because they're irresistible! I bet your wife will love her baby when she has one, the buying baby stuff is just a distraction from all of the discomfort and uncertainty of pregnancy (and of trying to conceive for that matter).

I was too busy staring at the toilet bowl to think about nursery themes.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

But shopping for baby can get out of control too. The wedding industry has NOTHING on the baby industry. I was sucked in to the baby industry while pregnant. Almost ended up with a 40 lb travel system!

Thank god my mom smacked some sense into me and pointed out how much that sucker weighed (and that was WITHOUT the baby and car seat attached), I wouldn't have been able to get it out of the trunk of the car! I took it off the registry. I got a car seat with a stroller base instead and then my boss gave me an umbrella stroller.

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 24, 2011 10:02:50 GMT -5 swamp said:

May 24, 2011 10:01:35 GMT -5 Frugal Nurse said:

About the shopping for babies- that is probably the most fun part of pregnancy! I haven't ever made it past 12 weeks pregnant, so maybe it gets better, but the first trimester is awful! You get through it by looking at baby stuff. Planning the nursery, comparing strollers, getting cute little unisex outfits because they're irresistible! I bet your wife will love her baby when she has one, the buying baby stuff is just a distraction from all of the discomfort and uncertainty of pregnancy (and of trying to conceive for that matter).

I was too busy staring at the toilet bowl to think about nursery themes.

I was too tired and achy to care about nursery themes and shopping for baby gear.

[Angel!]

May 24, 2011 8:31:51 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Yes, you can be addicted to shopping.

But, I dunno if your wife is..

Is she shopping to get high? To self-medicate? To escape? Which emotional needs of her's aren't being met?

Does she routinely hide her purchases? Bring her purchases in the house when you aren't looking? Does she feel shame after she shops?

This! There is a big difference between someone who loves to shop & a shopaholic. A shopping addiction, like other addictions, will impact other areas in your life. I just think your wife is a child who doesn't feel that budgeting & saving are as important as you do.

If your wife can't not spend within a budget, if she is hiding purchases, racking up credit card debt, lying, then you have a problem. Right now you have a wife that likes spending money & you are treating her like a child, which is only going to make matters worse.

[Frugal Nurse]

This message has been deleted.

[Frugal Nurse]

May 24, 2011 10:04:52 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

May 24, 2011 10:02:50 GMT -5 swamp said:

I was too busy staring at the toilet bowl to think about nursery themes.

I was too tired and achy to care about nursery themes and shopping for baby gear.

I was very tired and very sick too, but I was so worried about losing both pregnancies (which I eventually did) that I had to do something to get my mind off the worrying. Planning and shopping for baby helped. Now, when I do finally have a baby, I will be a well-informed consumer of baby products

[HoneyBBQ]

My mother is a shopaholic. She goes shopping every single day of her life. She lives alone but if you open her fridge it looks like a family of 6 lives there. She buys most of her food at Costco. Luckily she is financially savvy enough to spend within her limits. This means she goes to the thrifts stores nearly every day.

She lives near my brother and drops off a BOX of junk almost every week. She mailed me *7* books yesterday. She just can't stop herself. She has so many clothes, she should open her own store. She buys them on clearance at Kohl's. She doesn't even wear most of them.

It's sad because instead of spending quality time with people, she SHOPS for them. She BUYS them THINGS. It's a sad, addictive life IMO.

[Firebird]

And when we were leaving babies r us she was like: I can't wait to get pregnant. Not because of the whole pregnant process... I just can't wait to start shopping for our baby.

Oh dear God. Yes, she's a shopaholic. And cawiau, be VERY careful with this one. I have seen shopaholic women go absolutely nuts when they learn they're pregnant because they get to buy all kinds of awesome crap. They spend so much time doing that, they put very little thought into why they're actually buying it - they're about to become MOTHERS.

This can wreak havoc when it's time to cash in that reality check. Make sure she actually wants to BE A MOM, not just buy cool stuff, before you start TTC.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Why doesn't your wife become a buyer for Barneys or Nordstrom or something? She would get to shop fashion to her hearts content with money that isn't hers, and without you complaining? Turn a disadvantage into an advantage?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Probably doesn't pay near enough to make up for what she has in student loans, I'd imagine.

[swamp]

May 24, 2011 10:40:24 GMT -5 8 Bit WWBG said:

Why doesn't your wife become a buyer for Barneys or Nordstrom or something? She would get to shop fashion to her hearts content with money that isn't hers, and without you complaining? Turn a disadvantage into an advantage?

Because she's got a BS in biology and a MS in Public Health. I don't think those degrees will get you an interview.........

[Frugal Nurse]

I kind of feel bad for your wife. It seems that we only get a bad picture of her. Surely there are good qualities about her or you wouldn't have married her. So she is a bit spendy? So what? Does she cheat on you? Mistreat you? Abuse you emotionally? It sounds as though you two come from very different ends of the money spectrum, and she sounds like she is at least making an effort to meet you in the middle. Are you making an effort to come to her side of things? It seems as if she hears a lot of "No, no, no" from you. That isn't very healthy for a marriage, and makes you sound like you're a bit controlling. I wouldn't put up with that from my husband.

I think some of the comments on this thread were uncalled for. Are we really judging a woman completely on the basis of how she spends money? It isn't as if he came on here and said "I tell my wife we don't have any extra money and she spends anyway, even though it means we can't pay our bills". That would be a problem. But she likes to shop, does so within the set limits, and still he complains. Is there no pleasing this man?

[soon2bmomof3]

Just a warning, but it'll be 100 times worse if they have a girl. Dresses, skirts, shirts, pants, shorts, squorts (sp?) leggings, tights, hair bows, hair accessories, shoes in a rainbow of colors, styles and prints.

Boys: shirts, pants, shorts. Boring....

[swamp]

May 24, 2011 11:23:55 GMT -5 @soon2bmomof3 said:

Just a warning, but it'll be 100 times worse if they have a girl. Dresses, skirts, shirts, pants, shorts, squorts (sp?) leggings, tights, hair bows, hair accessories, shoes in a rainbow of colors, styles and prints.

Boys: shirts, pants, shorts. Boring....

I think I'm a bad mom. I didn't put shoes on my kids until they could walk, and DD never got any hair accessories until she started asking for them at 3 y.o.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Urgh, tights. My MIL keeps insisting on trying to buy DD tights. If she wants to wrestle her into them she can knock herself out.

I don't use hair accessories with DD either Swamp, her hair is too fine and she HATES them.

She doesn't wear shoes either right now, just socks nad now that it is summer she doesn't even wear those. I get tired of picking them up everywhere we go because she takes them off.

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 24, 2011 11:23:55 GMT -5 @soon2bmomof3 said:

Just a warning, but it'll be 100 times worse if they have a girl. Dresses, skirts, shirts, pants, shorts, squorts (sp?) leggings, tights, hair bows, hair accessories, shoes in a rainbow of colors, styles and prints.

Boys: shirts, pants, shorts. Boring....

not to mention dress-up clothes for girls. I talked myself out of spending $17 on a Cinderella dress for DD on Sat. It was hand wash and had a slight stain/spot on it too.

[ohmomto2boys]

I think I'm a bad mom. I didn't put shoes on my kids until they could walk,

Me too! I didn't see the point in the cute little "decorative" shoes for babies. I put socks on them and they seemed to wiggle out of those most of the time.

[swamp]

May 24, 2011 11:35:10 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

May 24, 2011 11:23:55 GMT -5 @soon2bmomof3 said:

Just a warning, but it'll be 100 times worse if they have a girl. Dresses, skirts, shirts, pants, shorts, squorts (sp?) leggings, tights, hair bows, hair accessories, shoes in a rainbow of colors, styles and prints.

Boys: shirts, pants, shorts. Boring....

not to mention dress-up clothes for girls. I talked myself out of spending $17 on a Cinderella dress for DD on Sat. It was hand wash and had a slight stain/spot on it too.

DD has a Snow White dress she got for her birthday, she loves it. And I splurged and spent $25 on it.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I put socks on them and they seemed to wiggle out of those most of the time.

My MIL asked me where all the socks she bought went and I was like "Umm. .. I think one is at the supermarket, another one is at the library, I think one might be somewhere in the Old Market. . ."

[Firebird]

Why doesn't your wife become a buyer for Barneys or Nordstrom or something? She would get to shop fashion to her hearts content with money that isn't hers, and without you complaining? Turn a disadvantage into an advantage?

This is a brilliant idea, and it worked for the Shopaholic created by Sophie Kinsella ;D

I kind of feel bad for your wife. It seems that we only get a bad picture of her. Surely there are good qualities about her or you wouldn't have married her. So she is a bit spendy? So what? Does she cheat on you? Mistreat you? Abuse you emotionally? It sounds as though you two come from very different ends of the money spectrum, and she sounds like she is at least making an effort to meet you in the middle. Are you making an effort to come to her side of things? It seems as if she hears a lot of "No, no, no" from you. That isn't very healthy for a marriage, and makes you sound like you're a bit controlling. I wouldn't put up with that from my husband.

Cawiau has posted his wife's good qualities several times. She does tend to get a beating on this board, though.

[Firebird]

Urgh, tights. My MIL keeps insisting on trying to buy DD tights. If she wants to wrestle her into them she can knock herself out.

Is it bad that I think tights look kind of bad on babies? Baby thigh fat is adorable but not when it's squished into tights that show every little lump.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Not at all.

I figure the parents who get their baby girls into tights either strap them down or have really patient babies. I can't get DD to hold still to change her diaper now that she knows how to roll over and crawl, let alone get her to lie still long enough to try to squeeze her legs into tights.