The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[cktc]

Jan 8, 2019 15:53:30 GMT -5 azucena said:

Forgot to mention that it helps that he values vacations over things so I can usually say we can do this great vacation if you stay in budget or we can only do mediocre.

I wish that would motivate mine! I'm the one who values vacations.  DH would rather do something like a bowling league and spend $300/month on that. We've taken a couple years off that and instead of saving he just spends it all on the x-wing game.

My biggest outflow is dental work 

[redwagon]

I got 2 new freelance clients today. If they actually provide consistent work I might have to put Baby Hulk into daycare more than twice a week. I'm having some feelings about that. He's been my trusty sidekick since he was born.

[Deleted]

Jan 8, 2019 10:28:17 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Jan 8, 2019 10:05:10 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

So let him take you to court and you will find out... he is not your first husband so I would make sure anything to do with your son custody goes to the court and have it in black and white.

Good luck!

I've decided to just breathe deeply and wait.  Considering he is just now thinking about filing his taxes from 2017, there's a chance he'll never do anything.  It's his brother being an attorney that worries me a little. 

Well crap, that didn't last long.  His brother wants to know if I'd be willing to meet with him as an "impartial person" to bring the parenting time up to date.  

[chapeau]

Jan 9, 2019 22:01:29 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Jan 8, 2019 10:28:17 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I've decided to just breathe deeply and wait.  Considering he is just now thinking about filing his taxes from 2017, there's a chance he'll never do anything.  It's his brother being an attorney that worries me a little. 

Well crap, that didn't last long.  His brother wants to know if I'd be willing to meet with him as an "impartial person" to bring the parenting time up to date.  

How impartial can his brother be? I’m wondering if things will move so quickly if 2.0 has to find an actual non-related impartial person.
(Or does it look bad to the courts if you say no? I have no idea on this.)

[finnime]

MPL, you could agree as the next step to formalize the visitation that you've already established: every other weekend and some vacation time. That's already a big jump from the supervised visitation you had had ordered originally. That gives your X something without really giving anything problematic to you.

I had sole custody of my kids. It did involve a couple of trips to court over time, chiefly because my X would not pick up DS at the designated spot and he hated not being able to control things. It didn't matter in the end. The judge was not willing to bow to X's demands either. He did have to meet DS at a newly designated spot even less convenient to him and also was required to bring DS to any activities he was engaged in - sports, games, church stuff. He also had to take parenting classes.

One thing I've noted is that courts often try to give something to the person stepping forward. So if they ask for 2, they are offered 1. Your conceding and giving your X the formal visitation plan already in place might be viewed as a good compromise.

[Deleted]

But this is not about getting what we've been doing all along recorded with the court.  He wouldn't bother if it was for that.  He's trying to get Sunday and Wednesday nights.  

[finnime]

Right, that's what he wants. So you give him something, which is not what he's asking for, but it's something.

[zibazinski]

I think you might lose on the school nights. Courts don’t care about kids and their sleep/schedules, they care about looking “good” and impartial. Try to reason with the brother. If he’s normal then maybe he can convince sperm donor. If not, you’ve lost nothing.

[Deleted]

Courts care about not fixing what isn't broken though, so I don't think it will be easy for him to convince them that things should be changed just because he wants to have breakfast with him on Monday mornings.  I have been Carrot's primary caretaker his entire life.  Even when we were married I did all drop off and pick-up at daycare and took him to all his appointments.  I also can show that I recognize the importance of him having a relationship with his father and that I'm not trying to keep them apart in that I've voluntarily stepped up his parenting time over the years despite a CO saying he only gets 4 hours supervised a week.

[Wisconsin Beth]

  slate.com/human-interest/2019/01/mommy-blogging-christie-tate-generation-gap.html?via=section_recirc_recent

How many of us have wondered about posting here about their kids?  Or elsewhere, like FB.  I admit, I use FB to mainly post pictures of the kids for family to see.  And I don't do much of that because I'm not really a picture taking person.  Now my kids are old enough to ASK that I record something and post it on FB, mainly to show off at the gym.  But here?  This is my version of a diary. 

[gs11rmb]

I think there's a big difference between posting cute pictures of your kids on a semi-public forum like Facebook and writing about upsetting experiences with your unnamed children on an anonymous message board.  I'd never heard of Christie Tate but I now think she's an ass.  I might write about my struggles with my children here but I'd never put it out on a public forum.  That's not helpful and simply unkind to the kids.

[gs11rmb]

minnesotapaintlady try not to panic.  Can you meet with the brother without your ex being present?  

Also, you've mentioned before that when you're upset or flustered you tend to forget important details.  Why not take the time to write out all the reasons why your ex shouldn't have more time and why it's beneficial to Carrot to maintain the current structure.  You could then send it to the brother.  

[Deleted]

His brother lives two hours away, so I would be willing to, but it wouldn't be very convenient.  But, I don't understand how he could be considered impartial, he'd still be my ex's attorney AND his brother.  I don't know if he'd even meet me alone.

As for writing a letter outlining my reasons.  Ex asked me last night for my reasons, and the truth is, I can't really articulate it, not even on paper.  All I have is I feel it's what's best for Carrot.  That he should have a stable, consistent routine during the school week.  I mean, there's other stuff, like Sunday nights is our wind down, make a plan for the week time and that he doesn't get enough piano practice time in during the week as it is on the weeks he goes to his Dad's as it is, but those probably won't hold water. 

[gs11rmb]

What about when he comes back from visits he's all jacked up on sugar and inappropriate video games?  He doesn't go to bed on time.  And then there's your ex's unreasonableness in allowing Carrot to have any activities on 'his' night.  Has anyone else noticed his obsession with the boy? What about the weird religious stuff?  I'm not talking about basic Catholicism but all that really strange obsession with hell.

Any other posters want to help write this all down?

[finnime]

Those are good reasons to maintain the current schedule. Carrot is thriving; what is in place currently is what is best for him. That is not a small thing.

[cktc]

minnesotapaintlady I think it's time to consult with an attorney of your own. Meeting with his brother is not impartial. If he wants impartial maybe you can agree on a mediator.

[swamp]

Jan 9, 2019 22:01:29 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Jan 8, 2019 10:28:17 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I've decided to just breathe deeply and wait.  Considering he is just now thinking about filing his taxes from 2017, there's a chance he'll never do anything.  It's his brother being an attorney that worries me a little. 

Well crap, that didn't last long.  His brother wants to know if I'd be willing to meet with him as an "impartial person" to bring the parenting time up to date.  

No because he's not impartial. 

[Deleted]

I don't know if I really have a leg to stand on with the obsessive behavior and the weird religious stuff because it's been 5 years and I don't hear anything anymore about demons and such.  Really to most people (like the people at scouts and the teacher at school) he just comes off as a super concerned, loving Dad.  I'm the one with all the stomach churning feelings.

I would be willing to give him more time in the summers and over school breaks, but I really want to hold my ground on the school nights.

[gs11rmb]

Jan 10, 2019 9:55:12 GMT -5 cktc said:

minnesotapaintlady I think it's time to consult with an attorney of your own. Meeting with his brother is not impartial. If he wants impartial maybe you can agree on a mediator.

The time has come to pay for legal advice.

[Deleted]

Jan 10, 2019 9:57:09 GMT -5 swamp said:

Jan 9, 2019 22:01:29 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Well crap, that didn't last long.  His brother wants to know if I'd be willing to meet with him as an "impartial person" to bring the parenting time up to date.  

No because he's not impartial. 

I really love his brother and his wife.  They are wonderful people and he's a great lawyer.  He knows everything I went through and refused to have anything to do with representing him when he was jailed and for our divorce.  I do believe he would TRY to be neutral, but I'm just not comfortable sitting in a room with him and ex and not feeling like I'm at a disadvantage. 

[cktc]

I made an Instantpot  cheesecake 2 months ago DS is still periodically asking for more "cheese pie".  He is hilariously expressive and adorable so I thought it would be fun to share a pic of him and the last cheesecake on an Instantpot group on facebook. I refrained from including his pic because I don't like that it is public and not just contained to the group. I hate to think of him being turned into a meme. Quite glad I did because the cheesecake alone was shared around 100 times. 

I'm glad the next generation is being raised with more caution. It seems ours is still learning.

[gs11rmb]

Jan 10, 2019 10:07:50 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Jan 10, 2019 9:57:09 GMT -5 swamp said:

No because he's not impartial. 

I really love his brother and his wife.  They are wonderful people and he's a great lawyer.  He knows everything I went through and refused to have anything to do with representing him when he was jailed and for our divorce.  I do believe he would TRY to be neutral, but I'm just not comfortable sitting in a room with him and ex and not feeling like I'm at a disadvantage. 

You could pretty much copy and paste what you just wrote and drop it into an email to his brother.  He sounds like a good person, I'm sure he'd understand.

[Deleted]

He's Carrot's godfather too.  Add that to the reasons it would be hard to not be impartial. 

[swamp]

ask him for legal advice about this, then he will be conflicted out of representing ex. 

[Deleted]

So call or email him and ask him what?  If he thinks it's a good idea for me to have my ex's brother handle a parenting time dispute? 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Dear BIL,

I can understand why you want what's best for Carrot and exploring additional custody time with his father might seem to be best for him.  However, I feel it's in Carrot's best interest not to interrupt the routine that currently works.  This includes regular bedtimes, homework, after school activities such as swimming, scouts, chores, etc (list everything).  I'm not sure if you're aware but Carrot routinely comes home from X2's place overtired, overstimulated and uncooperative about things that he was previously fine on (list if you feel like it).  I also have concerns about Carrot arriving at school on time and ready to face the day of learning (list concerns - arriving on time, clean, fed, homework completed and with x hours of sleep)

As I'm sure you know, our existing custody arrangement states supervised visitation up of 4.0 hours a week.  It was with extreme reluctance that I agreed to unsupervised visitation and then weekend overnights with X2.  I am willing to adjust the custody arrangement to formalize the change to unsupervised and overnights on weekends.  I am not willing to make other adjustments during the school year.  Perhaps in summer we can try different arrangements (or whatever bone you're willing to toss him about custody). 

Thank you for caring about Carrot enough to want to work for HIS best interests.

MPL.

*-*-*-*

If X2 can consistently get Carrot to a lower stakes place like summer care, maybe you can trust him during the school year.  I don't know X2 except from what you've posted.  And I doubt he can. 

But add in the stuff that gives you pause.  Because your X2 is not necessarily telling the truth to his brother.  And if you can show enough to give him pause, without tossing the past in his face too much, he may talk X2 away from this for a while. 

[justme]

I'd also point out that he refuses to take Carrot to any activities during his time. 

[swamp]

Jan 10, 2019 12:02:50 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

So call or email him and ask him what?  If he thinks it's a good idea for me to have my ex's brother handle a parenting time dispute? 

If he mediates, he can't then represent Ex.

But then you'll have to be in the same room as ex. 

[Deleted]

Jan 10, 2019 12:47:48 GMT -5 swamp said:

Jan 10, 2019 12:02:50 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

So call or email him and ask him what?  If he thinks it's a good idea for me to have my ex's brother handle a parenting time dispute? 

If he mediates, he can't then represent Ex.

But then you'll have to be in the same room as ex. 

But isn't mediation in lieu of getting attorneys and going to court?  Like if we tried to work it out with him, but couldn't he didn't technically mediate?  Or are you saying that if we can't work it out with him Ex has to find someone else to take it to court?  If so, this might be worth it to me.  I'm still afraid of sitting in the same room with him and his brother for this though, and god help me if he thinks we should ride together to his office because it's 2 hours away!  But I do have things I'm willing to offer up in lieu of school nights. 

[swamp]

If you go sit with him and try to work out an agreement, you are basically showing your cards ahead of time.  If you can't reach an agreement, you'll have to go to court if Ex chooses to do so.    Make sure he is clear in writing which he is doing. 

If BIL does the mediation, he cannot represent ex later in court because he is trying to negotiate a settlement and is hearing both sides.   If he tells you that he is solely represeting ex at the mediation, he can later represent ex in court.     If you reach an agreement, make sure it's in writing and have another attorney review it before you sign it.

Do not ride with ex there under any circumstances.   He will have a chance to wear you down before you get there.