NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 6, 2019 20:10:16 GMT -5
NomoreDramaQ1015 it's probably too late now, but I would have told you to stay home. Do you really want to have to police your husband every time he goes to visit his parents? We didn't go it was late by the time they got back with the car. No I don't want to babysit. I don't mind going down sometimes the kids like me tagging along but I'm not in the mood right now.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jan 6, 2019 20:47:30 GMT -5
I'm sorry Drama.
I'm actually doing ok. Spent a lot of time at DN#5's vball games today with K.
Sat. I spent at my mother's doing laundry. And working a jigsaw puzzle with mom.
Tomorrow I'm going to work and then meeting C's class at the Museum for a field trip.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2019 20:57:53 GMT -5
He's much closer to school. He's pretty much just across a highway and a couple blocks. I'm 13 miles or so, but I've been driving him to daycare/school every morning since he was born. The school is on my way to work.
He told me he was going to talk to his brother to see what he needed to do. His brother is a family law attorney. So yay me, he gets free legal.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Jan 7, 2019 7:57:56 GMT -5
He's much closer to school. He's pretty much just across a highway and a couple blocks. I'm 13 miles or so, but I've been driving him to daycare/school every morning since he was born. The school is on my way to work. He told me he was going to talk to his brother to see what he needed to do. His brother is a family law attorney. So yay me, he gets free legal. You have mentioned that a couple of your ex's siblings are reasonable people. If this brother is one of those could you give him a call and explain the situation and why you don't want Carrot to have overnights with his father?
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Jan 7, 2019 8:05:22 GMT -5
Hugs Drama and Mutt - please continue to vent here as needed and feel free to mark posts as vent only to stop unwanted advice.
A friend just finalized her divorce at the beg of Jan. Her ex got engaged to the other woman over Christmas. It's sleazy to watch unfold as he's an attorney partner in his 50s in a law firm with bonuses in the 6 figures and the other woman is a young graduate in her mid to late 20s. I look forward to watching my friend flourish now that he is no longer gaslighting her.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2019 8:53:21 GMT -5
He's much closer to school. He's pretty much just across a highway and a couple blocks. I'm 13 miles or so, but I've been driving him to daycare/school every morning since he was born. The school is on my way to work. He told me he was going to talk to his brother to see what he needed to do. His brother is a family law attorney. So yay me, he gets free legal. You have mentioned that a couple of your ex's siblings are reasonable people. If this brother is one of those could you give him a call and explain the situation and why you don't want Carrot to have overnights with his father? Yeah, he has two brothers that are decent people that have stood up and defended me in the past, but I don't think I'll get any help there. The one just divorced last year and can't afford a place of his own with alimony and child support for 5 kids, so he is living with Ex and the other one is the attorney. He's reasonable, but...it's his brother too. His wife told me when we were separated that he would never represent anyone that he knew hit his wife, and he didn't have anything to do with our divorce case, so I'm hoping he just gives him some general advice about how to file a motion and doesn't represent him for free. I don't think he would since he lives 120 miles away. Coming to court would be inconvenient.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Jan 7, 2019 9:15:37 GMT -5
If it does go to court I think you can reasonably explain why you don't want Carrot staying overnight. I know your ex has kept a job but his behaviour still seems irrational and I would hope that the court would agree. Good luck.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2019 11:29:11 GMT -5
I tried posting to the Babycenter divorce/custody board for advice and got roasted for trying to limit Ex's time with DS.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Jan 7, 2019 11:32:53 GMT -5
I tried posting to the Babycenter divorce/custody board for advice and got roasted for trying to limit Ex's time with DS. If they don't know the backstory then... F them. If they do know the backstory and are recommending Carrot have overnights with him then... F them hard.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2019 11:38:30 GMT -5
I tried posting to the Babycenter divorce/custody board for advice and got roasted for trying to limit Ex's time with DS. If they don't know the backstory then... F them. If they do know the backstory and are recommending Carrot have overnights with him then... F them hard. They're saying I already let him have overnights, so what does one (or two) more a week matter? If i think he shouldn't have him, I should have never let him have any.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Jan 7, 2019 11:40:18 GMT -5
It matters because your ex husband has all sorts of mental health and substance abuse problems. The fact that you allow him to have more contact than approved by the courts is a testament to your willingness to ensure Carrot has a relationship with his father. This should not then be used as a weapon against you.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jan 7, 2019 11:49:44 GMT -5
having an overnight in the middle of the week is also super disruptive to Carrot, especially if you know his dad isn't going to stick to the bedtime schedule.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jan 7, 2019 11:55:04 GMT -5
I tried posting to the Babycenter divorce/custody board for advice and got roasted for trying to limit Ex's time with DS. If they don't know the backstory then... F them. If they do know the backstory and are recommending Carrot have overnights with him then... F them hard. Ordinarily I would roast you for trying to limit dad's time with Carrot. But not in this case.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2019 12:09:15 GMT -5
If they don't know the backstory then... F them. If they do know the backstory and are recommending Carrot have overnights with him then... F them hard. Ordinarily I would roast you for trying to limit dad's time with Carrot. But not in this case. But will the judge roast me? All this stuff happened 5 years ago already. Ugh. Seems like yesterday to me. But, he appears to be this model Dad now. Good job, homeowner, Den leader, goes to the parent teacher conferences.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jan 7, 2019 13:45:39 GMT -5
Ordinarily I would roast you for trying to limit dad's time with Carrot. But not in this case. But will the judge roast me? All this stuff happened 5 years ago already. Ugh. Seems like yesterday to me. But, he appears to be this model Dad now. Good job, homeowner, Den leader, goes to the parent teacher conferences.
Not sure. Depends on the judge.
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redwagon
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Post by redwagon on Jan 7, 2019 15:00:01 GMT -5
Watching Dh play God of War 5. So fae no whinning or complaining when I had to move the car so E could get his bike out, or go down stairs and make breakfast and tea. Or the fact that U feel asleep last night while he qas playing. E is hitting a patch of anxiety. Trying to start a new project where he is making furniture and things like wine racks and bookshelves out of pallets to sell. We found some places that will give him free pallets pretty regularly and picked some up this weekend. I told him I would help him sell them on facebook market and some of the craft stores we have around here. We have alot of festivals around here he could sell them at to if he makes enough. However, his pattern is to get so stressed about failing that he then just shut down. Still giving himself a hard time about not feeling adult like, or enough like an adult at 19. Doesn't seem to believe me that most 19 and even 20 year olds still have imposter syndrome about being an adult. I'm 35 and I still have imposter syndrome... lol
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jan 7, 2019 17:54:50 GMT -5
So minor progress, DH set his own alarm this morning. He also got the kids up.
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redwagon
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Post by redwagon on Jan 7, 2019 17:58:18 GMT -5
So minor progress, DH set his own alarm this morning. He also got the kids up. Great job! It's a start. I just told DH he is in charge of making DD do her PT exercises 3 times a week. I never remember. Let him take some of the mental load. (He is very good with everything but I tend to forget to ask for help when I need it.)
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Jan 7, 2019 19:35:56 GMT -5
I still feel like an impostor at adulating. There are times I really wonder about peoples reading ability and intelligent level with the baby center boards. I don't think a Judge will roast you, and the case for routines and school nights is a huge reason not too. Drama hugs hopefully work helped you relax some. I am trying not be frustrated with money too. I am working these extra 2 hours for tutoring every day and it doesn't seem to be going where I want it too. We just started having a car payment since I hit the deer and had to get a new vehicle. I really wanted another 6 to 7 months to save up before doing that and just paying in cash. On the other hand the only real person I have to blame is myself, DH has his fun account that is in his name and besides that uses cash for stuff. I am pretty much the only person who uses our joint account. Personally I think taking your DH off the accounts and putting him on a cash only would be beneficial. It sucks that you have too, but will at least let you control and get things done. Girls seem have adjusted to back to school today. ODD did not finish all her work when I got home, so back at it she went. I upped the amount she has each day some, so there is some adjustments for her to make. Now I just need adjust for a full week back.
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Jan 7, 2019 19:55:10 GMT -5
minnesotapaintlady I'm afraid it's typical here for the dad to have a sleepover during the week, usually on a Tues or Wed night. However, here judges are VERY reluctant to separate siblings. So maybe that's something you can put forward?
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Jan 8, 2019 9:46:11 GMT -5
Carlie birthday is on 01/15 but we are having the party this Saturday... I believe this will be the last birthday we host at our place if we remain at this house.
On my wife side we are expecting potentially 15 and on my wife about the same... imagine 30+ people cramped in a 1,120 sqft home. And that is just family... again this year I told my wife “friends” because we have no space.
I am worried just thinking about it! On the flip side they are calling for snow on “Sunday”; hope it does not move up...because a lot of food would be going to waste.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2019 9:47:38 GMT -5
minnesotapaintlady I'm afraid it's typical here for the dad to have a sleepover during the week, usually on a Tues or Wed night. However, here judges are VERY reluctant to separate siblings. So maybe that's something you can put forward? The sibling thing won't have a lot of pull for long if he goes away to college next year. I think the during the week nights are more common with joint custody. I was awarded sole physical custody, and he was supposed to get "Reasonable Parenting Time", at first it was specified that this would be supervised, so I THINK that he would need to get that changed before being able to ask for extra days, but I'm really clueless. I've never stepped foot in a courtroom for anything custody related before.
This is what I found for "Reasonable Parenting Time", but I don't know if it's MN and it says it's from 2004.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Jan 8, 2019 10:05:10 GMT -5
minnesotapaintlady I'm afraid it's typical here for the dad to have a sleepover during the week, usually on a Tues or Wed night. However, here judges are VERY reluctant to separate siblings. So maybe that's something you can put forward? The sibling thing won't have a lot of pull for long if he goes away to college next year. I think the during the week nights are more common with joint custody. I was awarded sole physical custody, and he was supposed to get "Reasonable Parenting Time", at first it was specified that this would be supervised, so I THINK that he would need to get that changed before being able to ask for extra days, but I'm really clueless. I've never stepped foot in a courtroom for anything custody related before.
This is what I found for "Reasonable Parenting Time", but I don't know if it's MN and it says it's from 2004. So let him take you to court and you will find out... he is not your first husband so I would make sure anything to do with your son custody goes to the court and have it in black and white. Good luck!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2019 10:28:17 GMT -5
The sibling thing won't have a lot of pull for long if he goes away to college next year. I think the during the week nights are more common with joint custody. I was awarded sole physical custody, and he was supposed to get "Reasonable Parenting Time", at first it was specified that this would be supervised, so I THINK that he would need to get that changed before being able to ask for extra days, but I'm really clueless. I've never stepped foot in a courtroom for anything custody related before.
This is what I found for "Reasonable Parenting Time", but I don't know if it's MN and it says it's from 2004. So let him take you to court and you will find out... he is not your first husband so I would make sure anything to do with your son custody goes to the court and have it in black and white. Good luck! I've decided to just breathe deeply and wait. Considering he is just now thinking about filing his taxes from 2017, there's a chance he'll never do anything. It's his brother being an attorney that worries me a little.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Jan 8, 2019 13:00:44 GMT -5
I still feel like an impostor at adulating. There are times I really wonder about peoples reading ability and intelligent level with the baby center boards. I don't think a Judge will roast you, and the case for routines and school nights is a huge reason not too. Drama hugs hopefully work helped you relax some. I am trying not be frustrated with money too. I am working these extra 2 hours for tutoring every day and it doesn't seem to be going where I want it too. We just started having a car payment since I hit the deer and had to get a new vehicle. I really wanted another 6 to 7 months to save up before doing that and just paying in cash. On the other hand the only real person I have to blame is myself, DH has his fun account that is in his name and besides that uses cash for stuff. I am pretty much the only person who uses our joint account. Personally I think taking your DH off the accounts and putting him on a cash only would be beneficial. It sucks that you have too, but will at least let you control and get things done. Girls seem have adjusted to back to school today. ODD did not finish all her work when I got home, so back at it she went. I upped the amount she has each day some, so there is some adjustments for her to make. Now I just need adjust for a full week back. FWIW, I've had good success limiting lifestyle creep as my salary has increased by planning each paycheck's bills and spending money and then taking any remainder directly into savings on payday. This makes me feel artificially poor and I hate pulling money back out of savings so it makes me examine where we went over budget. It seems simple, but it's working for me.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Jan 8, 2019 15:01:13 GMT -5
I still feel like an impostor at adulating. There are times I really wonder about peoples reading ability and intelligent level with the baby center boards. I don't think a Judge will roast you, and the case for routines and school nights is a huge reason not too. Drama hugs hopefully work helped you relax some. I am trying not be frustrated with money too. I am working these extra 2 hours for tutoring every day and it doesn't seem to be going where I want it too. We just started having a car payment since I hit the deer and had to get a new vehicle. I really wanted another 6 to 7 months to save up before doing that and just paying in cash. On the other hand the only real person I have to blame is myself, DH has his fun account that is in his name and besides that uses cash for stuff. I am pretty much the only person who uses our joint account. Personally I think taking your DH off the accounts and putting him on a cash only would be beneficial. It sucks that you have too, but will at least let you control and get things done. Girls seem have adjusted to back to school today. ODD did not finish all her work when I got home, so back at it she went. I upped the amount she has each day some, so there is some adjustments for her to make. Now I just need adjust for a full week back. FWIW, I've had good success limiting lifestyle creep as my salary has increased by planning each paycheck's bills and spending money and then taking any remainder directly into savings on payday. This makes me feel artificially poor and I hate pulling money back out of savings so it makes me examine where we went over budget. It seems simple, but it's working for me. Have you had any pushback from your DH doing this? Mine is a saver in theory, but he also has some frittering habits and doesn't like to track spending.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Jan 8, 2019 15:52:27 GMT -5
FWIW, I've had good success limiting lifestyle creep as my salary has increased by planning each paycheck's bills and spending money and then taking any remainder directly into savings on payday. This makes me feel artificially poor and I hate pulling money back out of savings so it makes me examine where we went over budget. It seems simple, but it's working for me. Have you had any pushback from your DH doing this? Mine is a saver in theory, but he also has some frittering habits and doesn't like to track spending. I started using mint to help with this system about 3 yrs ago right after a big raise that I was afraid we'd blow through. A couple of years before that, we settled on $100/month for DH to spend on hobbies (board games), Starbucks, lunches out everyday, and gas station snacks. This is an auto transfer when he gets paid. When I started making us feel poor with the savings transfers, DH noticed how much more quickly our savings was increasing and jumped completely on board. Since my salary has increased significantly, we agreed to up his transfer to $200/month into his own account that I rarely view and timed it to be $100 from each of his paychecks which are the 15 and last day. This works better for him than once per month because he will immed spend most of it and then be twitching. This works very well for 5-6 months and then he falls off track and overspends by $50 to 100 and I show him and he reigns it back in for the next 5-6 months. So it's not a perfect system in that I still have to monitor and discuss, but it's much better than it used to be. When I get my bonus in March, we usually agree that he can have an extra $250. We've agreed to review 2018 before the end of Jan (mint makes this very easy). I think the Starbucks total will be enlightening because it's probably in the $300 outside of his allowance which doesn't flow through mint at all and that's all him because I only get Starbucks on vacation. I keep telling him that he could buy more games if he could learn to make his own coffee at home - we have a decent brewer and I've bought cream and flavored powder coffees. I get that neither is as good as Starbucks, but SB isn't $5 better. I will also be able to tally the other overspending to show him that $20 to 30 adds up. It's not just one sided because I have fallen out of bringing my lunch to work and am spending $4-5/day in the cafeteria and I'd like to reign that back to once/week. He would also tell you that I spend too much on clothes, but for a professional wardrobe I do not. I'll have to look back and see what 2018 totals. And I more than make up for it by saving tons of money on DD10 and DD6 clothes thru hand me downs, thrift shopping, and in general limiting their wardrobes. They each own 5 days of school uniforms for $200 total which is fantastic because new jumpers cost $60 on sale.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Jan 8, 2019 15:53:30 GMT -5
Forgot to mention that it helps that he values vacations over things so I can usually say we can do this great vacation if you stay in budget or we can only do mediocre.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Jan 8, 2019 16:46:48 GMT -5
My DH really isn't a spender, and really is fine with not doing any of the budgeting. There was some push back when he wanted to work for UPS for the season and was making 10 dollars an hour. Felt then that he should keep everything and things like daycare should come out of the house hold budget but at the same time he shouldn't have to put anything in the house hold budget because he wasn't making that much.. Ummm if you working is adding cost to the household budget then you need to put some of your paycheck into it. Over all it cut his hourly rate down to 5 or 6 dollars an hour. Decided it wasn't really worth it when you added in that things he did during the week then got moved to the weekend, more hectic at night ect... But yea he made the 800 or so dollars he got to save from working Nov and Dec last year last he made last for about 9-10 months.
Right now what has been eating the money from the after school gig has been- Nov-Down payment on new car, Dec- Personal property tax on the cars and went a little extra on the Christmas presents. Jan- YDD paying for winter soccer camp and spring season and six flag passes and meal plans for us. Oh and when I set up the bill pay for bills didn't move the power bill to send until after it was billed so it will count as a double payment in Dec, not for January so I need to pay that 187 a second time. We are on a budget plan that starts in June, so I won't have the benefit of that extra payment until our true up month in May. The Tax payment we had planned in savings I just left it there, and Christmas I could have done less like planned. And the plan was to save this extra income for the car so it isn't like it isn't being used as planned. I just wanted to see it build up for awhile in a pretty account.
E and I will have to have a talk about him driving my car while we have this snap shot device in it. Checked it today online... and these were the text I sent him. "We are going to have to talk about you driving my car.... at least while I have that snap shot thing in it monitoring driving. You had more hard breaks (23) and fast accelerations (17) in the one trip to your parents then I have had since I put it in." He really doesn't drive my car very often once every few months, normally he drives his bike but he needed something larger on Christmas day for his gifts.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Jan 8, 2019 18:54:59 GMT -5
Dh will also spend his money on taking the girls to happy hour or the dollar tree for a treat snack too during the month.
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