NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,953
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 5, 2019 21:31:30 GMT -5
I was thinking impatient detox which I thought has to be covered with ACA. He can always check his EAP because there arises the question of him needing to do for himself versus whining about how hard it is while you keep picking up the pieces and getting the bills paid, going without what you want/need. BTDT. But then again, I'm the wicked bitch who called the sheriff on my XH when he kept breaking the plate glass windows in our home and shelling the ranch driveway because he thought we were in Viet Nam. The untreated PTSD of a Baby Corpsman and periodic alcoholic drinking by a licensed gunsmith are such a great combination - NOT! OH, and somehow, all of it was my fault - NOT! Alanon helped but reading their literature and books on family dysfunction and codependency helped the most plus therapy. I still recite the serenity prayer when I want to fix it because I don't trust others to follow through but I'm much better. And happy. Do what is best for you Nd your girls and it will best for him too. Again gentle hugs and support. ETA - sometimes I am amazed that that crap is still there but it's good too. He works for a start up consisting of only seven people. He has no EAP program. They only recently started offering health insurance. It's a really good job and he gets paid well but leaves me the benefits carrier as it's always been. I've never had in patient rehab for drug addiction coverage as far as I know. Even if we did it's a three month wait list, likely longer now so he's still drying out at home. I am not sending him to his enabling mother with her bottomless pill bottle.
|
|
geenamercile
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:40:28 GMT -5
Posts: 2,534
|
Post by geenamercile on Jan 5, 2019 21:32:34 GMT -5
Drama I am sorry. It sucks to feel lonely and feel like you are the rock all the time. Specially when you are going home to a place that is suppose to be where you recharge, find peace, not have to be strong and relax. I think one of the main reasons that I haven't just ended it with DH is because of friends and family support. I also have a few good friends at work too that I have been close enough with to have personal conversations with. I know Dh complains at time about me being able to have closer talks with others, or having these supportive realtionships with friends but I think he does also get on a level that without them we would be over. Seriously having A in the basement has been a major help the past few months. I can come home from work and just sit and talk and relax. It would be nice if I could do that with Dh, but this is what it is. I am not saying you should have someone else move in, but work on building connections with other people. Yes we want our spouse to fill those needs, but if not look for others who can.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,953
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 5, 2019 21:48:17 GMT -5
I'm trying but my BFF just lost her kid so I don't feel right talking to her. We talked some but mostly kept it light.
Work is weird. I like the people I work with but the culture is much different. For lack of a better word it's more formal than my old labs. It strikes me as inappropriate to say anything about DH.
Plus I don't plant the seed I can't compartmentalize. It is one thing at a job where I've already built a history and rapport. It's another where I'm still being evaluated as an asset. I don't want any mistakes I make to form a negative association.
This was a bad time for all this to implode. I don't do well with upheaval to begin with. My main focus has been my job leaving little for the crap at home.
Then Gwen is getting to the age where I'm becoming embarassing. Abby is in the four year old douchebag stage.
I feel lonely and unloved. A lot of my connections are gone or in transition. It's really hard to juggle it all. Sometimes I wish I'd stayed at UNMC.
|
|
Sam_2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 15:42:45 GMT -5
Posts: 12,350
|
Post by Sam_2.0 on Jan 5, 2019 21:51:58 GMT -5
Big hugs, Drama.
|
|
Works4me
Senior Member
Someone responded to your personal ad - a German Shepherd named Tara wants to have you for dinner...
Joined: May 5, 2012 12:11:37 GMT -5
Posts: 2,548
|
Post by Works4me on Jan 5, 2019 21:54:09 GMT -5
Drama = wise decisions all the way around. I just hate to see you going through this.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 20, 2024 8:31:09 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2019 22:02:52 GMT -5
I feel lonely and unloved. A lot of my connections are gone or in transition. It's really hard to juggle it all. Sometimes I wish I'd stayed at UNMC. I feel this way a lot too, but at least I AM alone. When there's someone that is supposed to be there for you, it's that much worse. Kind of like doing all the housework as a single person doesn't seem quite as bad as doing it all when there is someone else just sitting on the couch instead of helping. I don't really have much of a support group...mainly because I've pushed them away forever because I don't like to ask for help. Carrot is incredibly challenging for me and now I'm starting to panic about older son moving away in 18 months. He's just getting to where he's helpful and pleasant company.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,953
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 5, 2019 22:09:41 GMT -5
I have support but I learned the hard way not to be too negative around people you have to see at holidays because even if you reconcile they don't forget.
Same with friends.
It's an awkward balance to figure out how much ugly to reveal and what to keep inside my head.
|
|
Knee Deep in Water Chloe
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 21:04:44 GMT -5
Posts: 14,197
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1980e6
Member is Online
|
Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 5, 2019 22:15:18 GMT -5
We're not doing well either. DH relapsed again. Not as much as last time but still. I told him I'm going to have to remove him from our bank accounts if this keeps up. I am so mad. NA was a bust again none of the fucking websites have accurate information. Even the damn city newspaper was wrong. I got out for a little over an hour but it makes no difference I still have to come home. He's sick and holed up in the bedroom again. I got nasty today and told him I don't feel like I have a husband. I have a roomate I fuck from time to time. I don't ferl like I've ever had one. I got to thinking yesterday and I've bben living a lie. He's never been a recovered addict in the 14 years we've bern together. This shit has bern running almost half my life. I want to be supportive. I want to try but this is really fucking hard. I'm tired of having to be the rock.
|
|
anciana
Well-Known Member
Joined: Sept 20, 2011 11:34:57 GMT -5
Posts: 1,133
|
Post by anciana on Jan 5, 2019 22:17:34 GMT -5
I am so sorry, Drama, I know it’s not the same but, please, come here and talk to us in those lonely moments. Hugs
|
|
muttleynfelix
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:32:52 GMT -5
Posts: 9,406
|
Post by muttleynfelix on Jan 5, 2019 22:36:56 GMT -5
Ah Drama, that sucks. Hugs girl. I sent you a PM, call if you need to talk. I completely understand not wanting to share at work or family.
|
|
muttleynfelix
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:32:52 GMT -5
Posts: 9,406
|
Post by muttleynfelix on Jan 5, 2019 22:39:56 GMT -5
We talked briefly today, but I was trying to get Jocelyn's cupcakes done and then my hiking meet up ended up being all afternoon, instead of just a couple hours. He is sick which sucks and makes it hard to have a real talk. He wrote back that he also feels very alone. So, at least we are both feeling like there are issues.
|
|
crazycat
Familiar Member
Joined: May 9, 2013 12:52:01 GMT -5
Posts: 860
|
Post by crazycat on Jan 6, 2019 1:17:02 GMT -5
I have support but I learned the hard way not to be too negative around people you have to see at holidays because even if you reconcile they don't forget. Same with friends. It's an awkward balance to figure out how much ugly to reveal and what to keep inside my head. I’m liking this because I too have had to figure out how and what to say to friends and family when my dh and I were going through our tough times . We’ve been together a long time , and you don’t want friends and family to feel awkward or take sides if they “know” too much . Or end up “hating” the other person if you end up staying together. Good luck ! 😀
|
|
tcu2003
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 31, 2010 15:24:01 GMT -5
Posts: 4,949
|
Post by tcu2003 on Jan 6, 2019 1:25:13 GMT -5
Big hugs, muttley and drama.
|
|
finnime
Junior Associate
Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 7:14:35 GMT -5
Posts: 7,942
|
Post by finnime on Jan 6, 2019 9:12:19 GMT -5
I'm also tired of being lonely. I'm desperate enough for attention I'll talk the ear off sales people. I'd like to have someone who would take care of me for a change. I'm tired of having to always do it myself. Self care is important but I feel like there should be a limit. I'm so sorry you're confronting this again. And yes, you should have someone backing you and bucking you up. That is why marriage needs to be a partnership.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 27,967
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Jan 6, 2019 10:11:39 GMT -5
I'm trying but my BFF just lost her kid so I don't feel right talking to her. We talked some but mostly kept it light. Work is weird. I like the people I work with but the culture is much different. For lack of a better word it's more formal than my old labs. It strikes me as inappropriate to say anything about DH. Plus I don't plant the seed I can't compartmentalize. It is one thing at a job where I've already built a history and rapport. It's another where I'm still being evaluated as an asset. I don't want any mistakes I make to form a negative association. This was a bad time for all this to implode. I don't do well with upheaval to begin with. My main focus has been my job leaving little for the crap at home. Then Gwen is getting to the age where I'm becoming embarassing. Abby is in the four year old douchebag stage. I feel lonely and unloved. A lot of my connections are gone or in transition. It's really hard to juggle it all. Sometimes I wish I'd stayed at UNMC.
|
|
geenamercile
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:40:28 GMT -5
Posts: 2,534
|
Post by geenamercile on Jan 6, 2019 10:44:23 GMT -5
Watching Dh play God of War 5. So fae no whinning or complaining when I had to move the car so E could get his bike out, or go down stairs and make breakfast and tea. Or the fact that U feel asleep last night while he qas playing.
E is hitting a patch of anxiety. Trying to start a new project where he is making furniture and things like wine racks and bookshelves out of pallets to sell. We found some places that will give him free pallets pretty regularly and picked some up this weekend. I told him I would help him sell them on facebook market and some of the craft stores we have around here. We have alot of festivals around here he could sell them at to if he makes enough. However, his pattern is to get so stressed about failing that he then just shut down. Still giving himself a hard time about not feeling adult like, or enough like an adult at 19. Doesn't seem to believe me that most 19 and even 20 year olds still have imposter syndrome about being an adult.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,953
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 6, 2019 12:03:06 GMT -5
I was not impressed at all with the latest GOW.
The graphics are gorgeous but the story fell short. There was way too much backstory left out. It made it hard to care because I had no clue why anything was happening.
If you're in it for the open world and graphics it's great. If you've been invested in Kratos' story not so much.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,953
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 6, 2019 14:18:54 GMT -5
Even after all that yesterday all I got was he moved from the bed to the couch to sleep.
Now we get to take the truck back to his parents and be held captive down there while he ignores me and I have to play guess who died today with his mom and learn more than anyone needs to know about my FILs poop habits.
He attended his first NA meeting but won't talk to me about it. Nice to feel like I'm part of the process.
Thank God tomorrow is Monday. No matter how lonely I feel at least I'm not home. And I enjoy the work itself so that's something.
ETA think I'm staying home. I don't feel like playing keeping up appearances with my in laws. DH can figure out a way to explain why I stayed home.
|
|
MJ2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 24, 2014 10:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,049
|
Post by MJ2.0 on Jan 6, 2019 14:44:12 GMT -5
don't you want to make sure MIL doesn't do something stupid to enable your DH? Not that you need to nanny him, but...
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,953
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 6, 2019 15:07:51 GMT -5
don't you want to make sure MIL doesn't do something stupid to enable your DH? Not that you need to nanny him, but... You're right. I have to suck it up and go. The joys of having enabling in laws. I'm sick of all of this.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 20, 2024 8:31:09 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2019 15:11:55 GMT -5
I don't know. It's not your job to babysit him either. I drove myself nuts trying to police everything Ex did and who he hung out with. If he wants to be clean he's going to have to do it himself. No matter how much you follow him around he can still find a way.
|
|
MJ2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 24, 2014 10:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,049
|
Post by MJ2.0 on Jan 6, 2019 15:12:54 GMT -5
don't you want to make sure MIL doesn't do something stupid to enable your DH? Not that you need to nanny him, but... You're right. I have to suck it up and go. The joys of having enabling in laws. I'm sick of all of this. I'm really sorry. This shouldn't be your life. Could you ask your parents to babysit and then you get some alone time away from home? Library, coffee shop, etc?
|
|
MJ2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 24, 2014 10:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 11,049
|
Post by MJ2.0 on Jan 6, 2019 15:13:49 GMT -5
I don't know. It's not your job to babysit him either. I drove myself nuts trying to police everything Ex did and who he hung out with. If he wants to be clean he's going to have to do it himself. No matter how much you follow him around he can still find a way. I do agree with this too. It must be so hard. I cannot imagine.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,953
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 6, 2019 15:59:55 GMT -5
I don't know. It's not your job to babysit him either. I drove myself nuts trying to police everything Ex did and who he hung out with. If he wants to be clean he's going to have to do it himself. No matter how much you follow him around he can still find a way. That's what I thought. I can't follow behind him all the time. I'm drained enough as it is without having to play hall monitor. All while listening to MIL carry on about pot. Yes its pot that is the devil in this scenario. Not the 20+ years of speed sleeping pills opiods and now kratom. It's got to be he's smoked pot. JFC. She also pissed me off again by making comments about my dad's mechanical skills in regards to DH's car. I don't think someone who has never touched a car engine in her life gets to decide how long it should take to replace a head gasket. He's pretty much rebuilt the engine which I would like to see her do.
It saves us from having to buy DH is a car. As it is mine is going to need replaced in the next few months because mine is having compounding problems that will render it unsafe to drive in the near future. DH's car is actually the better car so my dad fixing it so we can kick the can down the road a bit longer there is immensely beneficial for us. I get a little pissed when I think of how much DH has blown on Kratom. That would have been a decent down payment on a new car for me. I found one that has payments I can live with but I could have had even lower payments if DH hadn't blown all that money. Also cold have been farther along on our credit car repayments. I went thru that three months of hell working at the hospital for absolutely nothing. The only comfort I can take is that we would have been even worse off it I had quit without another job lined up.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 20, 2024 8:31:09 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2019 17:47:48 GMT -5
Well, Ex 2.0 is in a tizzy. He texted me asking for Carrot's SS number so he could file his taxes...from 2017. I told him I never agreed to every other year and I already filed...like a year ago. I remember him asking like 3 years ago and me saying I'd think about it, but not this year because it's the year I can't claim older son (2016), but that was the end of that. I was mostly just stalling because I honestly didn't think he would stay employed long enough for it to be an issue. I kind of held out until March or so last year to file waiting for him to bring it up and he never did, so I just went ahead and filed. Now he's saying we need to go to court and get things updated. Fine. But, I'm not going to be the one doing anything but responding to whatever I get from the courts.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 20, 2024 8:31:09 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2019 18:50:23 GMT -5
I don't know. It's not your job to babysit him either. I drove myself nuts trying to police everything Ex did and who he hung out with. If he wants to be clean he's going to have to do it himself. No matter how much you follow him around he can still find a way. That's what I thought. I can't follow behind him all the time. I'm drained enough as it is without having to play hall monitor. All while listening to MIL carry on about pot. Yes its pot that is the devil in this scenario. Not the 20+ years of speed sleeping pills opiods and now kratom. It's got to be he's smoked pot. JFC. She also pissed me off again by making comments about my dad's mechanical skills in regards to DH's car. I don't think someone who has never touched a car engine in her life gets to decide how long it should take to replace a head gasket. He's pretty much rebuilt the engine which I would like to see her do.
It saves us from having to buy DH is a car. As it is mine is going to need replaced in the next few months because mine is having compounding problems that will render it unsafe to drive in the near future. DH's car is actually the better car so my dad fixing it so we can kick the can down the road a bit longer there is immensely beneficial for us. I get a little pissed when I think of how much DH has blown on Kratom. That would have been a decent down payment on a new car for me. I found one that has payments I can live with but I could have had even lower payments if DH hadn't blown all that money. Also cold have been farther along on our credit car repayments. I went thru that three months of hell working at the hospital for absolutely nothing. The only comfort I can take is that we would have been even worse off it I had quit without another job lined up.
Tell your MIL she's welcome to pay for a shop to repair the car since she has so much to say about it. Or replace the car. If she can't or won't do either one, she can stop popping off at the mouth about the person that IS trying to help y'all with the car.
|
|
Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
103/2024
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
Posts: 14,659
|
Post by Lizard Queen on Jan 6, 2019 19:00:12 GMT -5
That's pretty impressive that he can replace the head gasket. When mine cracked on my car years ago, it was like, the car was done. My dad (an engineer) tried keeping it going for a while for me, but he wasn't going to do that much.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Sept 20, 2024 8:31:09 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2019 19:34:30 GMT -5
Well, now Ex says he's fine with me claiming him every year if I need the money, but he "would like to start keeping him overnight on Sundays and Wednesdays". He had brought this up a few months ago saying he was going to try and get his hours changed for those days starting the first of the year (currently he has to be to work an hour away at 6am). I told him I was going to give on that and he'd have to take me to court, and his reply was "see you there".
I really, really hope he doesn't do this. It makes NO sense for him to have him on those nights, it's nothing but disruptive, and adds almost no time for him anyhow that isn't in bed time unless he plans on keeping him up late...which he will.
Now I'm all stressed out.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,953
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 6, 2019 19:45:03 GMT -5
It's not easy. It also depends on how much the gasket took with it when it cracks.
It takes a lot of skill. A shop would charge us $4k+ most of that cost is the labor.
Which is why my MIL pisses me off. She doesn't think when she shoots off her mouth. My dad has rare mechanical skills. I'm screwed when he gets too old and his generation retires.
|
|
debthaven
Senior Associate
Joined: Apr 7, 2015 15:26:39 GMT -5
Posts: 10,577
Member is Online
|
Post by debthaven on Jan 6, 2019 20:06:29 GMT -5
NomoreDramaQ1015 it's probably too late now, but I would have told you to stay home and relax. Do you really want to have to police your husband every time he goes to visit his parents? There are PLENTY of places he can get/buy meds from, even if his mom is the easiest place. Is this really what you want your life to look like going forward? minnesotapaintlady same for you ... it is urgent to do nothing. Keep your ears and eyes open, but I can't see your Ex 2 successfully following through. Especially with the logistics, ie Carrot has school Mon and Thurs mornings. If I'm not mistaken, you're closer to his school than Ex 2. If I AM mistaken, this *MIGHT* be a good reason to eventually move closer to town (but I know you'd HATE to give up your farm). Hugs to both of you. I still remember how hard I cried with relief when DD turned 16 (the last time I needed my French ex to approve her US passport request).
|
|