muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jan 4, 2019 18:48:10 GMT -5
Blah...my husband...ugh. To start with, he is in chronic pain and suffers from situational depression because of it. One of his coping mechanisms is to buy junk food and smokes from the gas station. He is supposed to use is $120 of cash a month to use there or out for fast food. He tends to use it on the kids to buy them supper a couple times a week. I know he goes to the gas station down the street a lot for a junk food fix. I checked our 12 month spending on the CC and found out that we have spent $3100 there over the year! Some of that may be gas, but even if it is half gas, that is still insane on top of the $7400 we spent last year at the grocery store.
Second, he has barely talked to me at all in December. Not being bad or malicious, but just not wanting to tell me how bad he is feeling (I think). But every time he does talk to me, he talks current politics and it is to complain. Last night, I told him to quit. I told him, I want to hear about you and the kids, but talking politics just pulls us farther apart when I am already feeling really distanced from you. He seemed ok with it, but then didn't really talk about anything the rest of the night. I was thinking about it today, if he just spent some of the time he spent researching politics into our marriage things would be better. Or just looked up positive stuff. The negative is making a bad situation worse.
I guess we need to have a talk this weekend because this is going to lead to marital and financial ruin if we keep heading down this path. He needs to either have a regular volunteer position or a part time job. But sitting around the house all day without the kids needs to stop. It isn't helping his depression at all.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jan 4, 2019 19:22:24 GMT -5
Parenting sucks. Thetefore, I'm drugging the kids with melatonin and doing early bedtime so I don't lose it even more than I have already.
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redwagon
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Post by redwagon on Jan 4, 2019 19:25:39 GMT -5
Parenting sucks. Thetefore, I'm drugging the kids with melatonin and doing early bedtime so I don't lose it even more than I have already. Sounds like we are in the same boat. I am so done tonight. Muttley- that's hard. I hope you guys have a good convo and can improve the situation. Hugs.
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ners
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Post by ners on Jan 4, 2019 19:32:31 GMT -5
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jan 4, 2019 19:55:45 GMT -5
Difficult situation muttleynfelix Hope you two can figure it out. It does sound like sitting home isn't doing him any favors.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Jan 4, 2019 20:05:38 GMT -5
Muttleynfelix I am sorry, DH and I had a pretty big argument mid-December about him always being negative about everything. He wanted to complain about me not talking to him as much as others in the house, and laughing with them more than him. Dude check your conversations and what you talk about all the time. I actually at the end went down and just slept in the living room. It took a few days but he did seem to check himself and started to come and interact with all of us some.... and guess what he laughed. I was seriously going to start a tally sheet of his positive and negative comments. My DH has depression too, and while I try to be supportive it is a his problem he has to deal with, and he can't make it the rest of the houses problems either. Having back up with A helped too, she talked to him some about it to. Is there anyone else you can pull in for an "intervention" type of talk?
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Jan 4, 2019 22:12:42 GMT -5
I've been there, muttleynfelix, after my DH had a series of health setbacks and ongoing issues. I finally told him he had to change the subjects of his conversations with me or bring us both to a dark place. I specifically told him to think about and plan something we would want to do, or place to go, 3 years out. Then 5 years out, then after that. It helped.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 4, 2019 23:09:36 GMT -5
I was braiding DD#2's hair the other night. I know I'm lucky that my almost 17yo hasn't taught her self to braid her own hair. (I taught myself pretty early--probably age nine or so, and DD#1 taught herself around age 12.)
Anyway, since she's graduating from high school this year, I'm just trying to savor every last moment. I never know though when some of the last moments are happening--which is what I thought while braiding. Is this the last time I get to braid her hair?
She's so excited to start her life that I am excited for her. I'm just sad for me.
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redwagon
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Post by redwagon on Jan 4, 2019 23:11:30 GMT -5
I was braiding DD#2's hair the other night. I know I'm lucky that my almost 17yo hasn't taught her self to braid her own hair. (I taught myself pretty early--probably age nine or so, and DD#1 taught herself around age 12.)
Anyway, since she's graduating from high school this year, I'm just trying to savor every last moment. I never know though when some of the last moments are happening--which is what I thought while braiding. Is this the last time I get to braid her hair?
She's so excited to start her life that I am excited for her. I'm just sad for me. I think about those last moments a lot too. Though my kids are much younger. Is this the last time they will need my help in the bath? The last snuggle on the couch? Soak it in.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jan 4, 2019 23:14:32 GMT -5
I wrote him a letter, emailed it, told him about it and told him good night and then went to bed. I wanted to be able to make my points and not cry and not have him apologize profusely. Plus it gave me a chance to cut out my rant about his help with groceries - he'll bring the bags in from the car and then go leave like he did something great...i decided that was probably nitpicky.😎 anyway, we'll see if we get a chance to talk tomorrow. I did complain about being a human alarm clock to him and Ben in the mornings and every fucking decision in this house. We'll see if we get to it tomorrow. I need to make cupcakes and then Ben and I are going hiking. Jocelyn has a play date to go to.
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redwagon
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Post by redwagon on Jan 4, 2019 23:16:37 GMT -5
Muttley i have written letters before too. It gives everyone a chance to think rationally and sort through emotions. I hope it helps!
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jan 5, 2019 9:38:00 GMT -5
The kids and I got over 11 hours of sleep last night. I'm still in bed.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jan 5, 2019 9:39:13 GMT -5
Mutt, I hope the letter helps.
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redwagon
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Post by redwagon on Jan 5, 2019 9:50:32 GMT -5
The kids and I got over 11 hours of sleep last night. I'm still in bed. Woohoo! The baby was up in the middle of the night but then slept past 8. I got up around 9. So, not bad at all. We are going to the movies later (sans baby) if the older 2 are good so I am hoping for a good day.
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Wisconsin Beth
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No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jan 5, 2019 9:53:36 GMT -5
What movie? We still need to see Ralph Breaks the Internet.
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redwagon
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Post by redwagon on Jan 5, 2019 9:54:08 GMT -5
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jan 5, 2019 9:56:54 GMT -5
Oooh i hope you have fun! I need to haul laundry to my mom's. My new dryer won't come until Wed. so it's either her house or the laundromat.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2019 10:26:57 GMT -5
I was braiding DD#2's hair the other night. I know I'm lucky that my almost 17yo hasn't taught her self to braid her own hair. (I taught myself pretty early--probably age nine or so, and DD#1 taught herself around age 12.)
Anyway, since she's graduating from high school this year, I'm just trying to savor every last moment. I never know though when some of the last moments are happening--which is what I thought while braiding. Is this the last time I get to braid her hair?
She's so excited to start her life that I am excited for her. I'm just sad for me. I think about those last moments a lot too. Though my kids are much younger. Is this the last time they will need my help in the bath? The last snuggle on the couch? Soak it in. Carrot used to crawl into my bed every night. It actually drove me nuts because he flopped around so much and I was constantly fighting with him to sleep in his own room. A while back I realized he hasn't done that for years (he's 8 1/2). At some point around the age of 4 or 5 there was a last night and I don't have any clue when it happened.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2019 10:30:00 GMT -5
I wrote him a letter, emailed it, told him about it and told him good night and then went to bed. I wanted to be able to make my points and not cry and not have him apologize profusely. Plus it gave me a chance to cut out my rant about his help with groceries - he'll bring the bags in from the car and then go leave like he did something great...i decided that was probably nitpicky.😎 anyway, we'll see if we get a chance to talk tomorrow. I did complain about being a human alarm clock to him and Ben in the mornings and every fucking decision in this house. We'll see if we get to it tomorrow. I need to make cupcakes and then Ben and I are going hiking. Jocelyn has a play date to go to. I used to do the email thing a lot. Writing is the only way I can effectively communicate in a lot of situations and if there's a chance it's going to be an emotional confrontation, I'm toast when it comes to speaking. I blurt things out without thinking, cry, yell, throw stuff....
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Jan 5, 2019 12:54:44 GMT -5
I actually get meaner when I write stuff out. My sister and former marital counselor even told me my writing is pretty brutal. Well what do you expect when I'm taking the time to ruminate and list all my grievances.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 5, 2019 18:53:57 GMT -5
We're not doing well either. DH relapsed again. Not as much as last time but still. I told him I'm going to have to remove him from our bank accounts if this keeps up.
I am so mad. NA was a bust again none of the fucking websites have accurate information. Even the damn city newspaper was wrong.
I got out for a little over an hour but it makes no difference I still have to come home. He's sick and holed up in the bedroom again.
I got nasty today and told him I don't feel like I have a husband. I have a roomate I fuck from time to time.
I don't ferl like I've ever had one. I got to thinking yesterday and I've bben living a lie. He's never been a recovered addict in the 14 years we've bern together. This shit has bern running almost half my life.
I want to be supportive. I want to try but this is really fucking hard. I'm tired of having to be the rock.
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Works4me
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Someone responded to your personal ad - a German Shepherd named Tara wants to have you for dinner...
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Post by Works4me on Jan 5, 2019 19:18:42 GMT -5
Gentle hugs and lots of support. I think I understand what you meant and it can be a very good thing to speak your mind and frankly nothing you said seems out of line given the situation.
Can you reach out to the therapist you saw when this first became an issue, after G was born? IIRC she was helpful and you had a solid footing with her. Wasn't the issue last time that she was EPA or something? Maybe even arrange to pay for a few sessions on an EPA or other reduced rate. I did that in the past because it saved so much time. If nothing else, she might know if a good referral for you and your husband. He might even need a male addiction specialist who works with multiple substances.
My other thought is whether or not he should be home detoxing with you and the girls. It might time for him to go elsewhere, maybe even the hospital. He needs to sweat this out for himself and you shouldn't have to walk in egg shells again in your own home.I don't think it is necessarily wrong to take him off the accounts and/or limit the cash he has access to. My only question is what would he do/sell next time?
FYI = BTDT many years ago and it was horrid. Periodic drinking was a major cause of my divorce and part of the reason I've never remarried. It took a lot of therapy and time to heal and even now I am very slow to trust in relationships. 5 years seems about right to me. That feeling of his today the day he slips, well, I just cannot live love like that. I will not live that way. Again, non creepy hugs of support and love.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 5, 2019 19:47:42 GMT -5
That was UNMC and she's long gone. They switched to off site EAP with a different office I have no idea where she went.
I am not comfortable yet asking about the EAP at my new job. I probably got the paperwork somewhere in my desk with all the other stuff I got.
Insurance does not cover rehab. Last time I looked we'd be talking $6-10k and that's not even one of those fancy places.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2019 20:24:25 GMT -5
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 5, 2019 20:26:48 GMT -5
Right? And there is only ONE rehab in Omaha. It also has a three month wait list.
And people wonder why we have the drug crisis we do in this country. I could write a thesis on the subject at this point.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 5, 2019 20:32:48 GMT -5
Oh, I have some experience there with Ex 2.0. We couldn't find any reasonable priced rehabs and even halfway houses were 8K/month and not covered by insurance. Part of the reason for the divorce (the entire reason in his mind) was to make him a ward of the state when he was in jail so they would cover his treatment.
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ners
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Post by ners on Jan 5, 2019 20:32:49 GMT -5
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 5, 2019 20:35:36 GMT -5
I'm also tired of being lonely.
I'm desperate enough for attention I'll talk the ear off sales people.
I'd like to have someone who would take care of me for a change. I'm tired of having to always do it myself. Self care is important but I feel like there should be a limit.
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Works4me
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Someone responded to your personal ad - a German Shepherd named Tara wants to have you for dinner...
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Post by Works4me on Jan 5, 2019 20:50:57 GMT -5
I was thinking impatient detox which I thought has to be covered with ACA. He can always check his EAP because there arises the question of him needing to do for himself versus whining about how hard it is while you keep picking up the pieces and getting the bills paid, going without what you want/need. BTDT.
But then again, I'm the wicked bitch who called the sheriff on my XH when he kept breaking the plate glass windows in our home and shelling the ranch driveway because he thought we were in Viet Nam. The untreated PTSD of a Baby Corpsman and periodic alcoholic drinking by a licensed gunsmith are such a great combination - NOT! OH, and somehow, all of it was my fault - NOT!
Alanon helped but reading their literature and books on family dysfunction and codependency helped the most plus therapy. I still recite the serenity prayer when I want to fix it because I don't trust others to follow through but I'm much better. And happy.
Do what is best for you Nd your girls and it will best for him too. Again gentle hugs and support.
ETA - sometimes I am amazed that that crap is still there but it's good too.
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redwagon
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Post by redwagon on Jan 5, 2019 21:24:55 GMT -5
Oooh i hope you have fun! I need to haul laundry to my mom's. My new dryer won't come until Wed. so it's either her house or the laundromat. The movie was so good! So many references for us adults. I need to see it again to catch them all.
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