WholeLottaNothin
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 15:19:25 GMT -5
Posts: 1,721
|
Post by WholeLottaNothin on Dec 17, 2018 15:25:44 GMT -5
My DH has ADHD. He never said anything until our older son was having issues in Pre-K and was diagnosed. Apparently he was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, as was his brother, but his parents chose to do nothing. Another wise parenting decision on their part, another in a long long line. My DH has anxiety, depression, bipolar, schizophrenia and PTSD. The PTSD was from being beaten with a belt as a child as well as having his father threaten to kill himself with a shotgun when DH was about 5 or so. DH was a very heavy drinker, like 18 beers at once was not unheard of. He later told me he drank to try to get the voices to stop. I never knew he heard voices until about a year or year and a half ago. We have been together since 2003. When he decided to stop drinking and go to therapy, etc., his father was less than supportive. He went on a rant about how therapists are crooks and just weasel money out of people and he doesn't trust them, etc. His mom wasn't unsupportive but goes out of her way to not disagree with his dad, at least in from of other people. I had to specifically say that beer/alcohol was not allowed at our house. His father was bringing it every time they came over. It was like he wanted him to fail, though he is pretty clueless sometimes anyway. I'm not blaming anyone for his problems. I really think that if his parents had try to help him when he was younger instead of being an ostrich and putting their heads in the sand, a lot of the mental agony he has gone through could have been avoided.
|
|
WholeLottaNothin
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 15:19:25 GMT -5
Posts: 1,721
|
Post by WholeLottaNothin on Dec 17, 2018 15:29:49 GMT -5
I hate the having to tell another adult what to do - as in housework. He has two eyes. He can see it is a mess. Anytime he does the laundry or dishes, he expects a parade. He gets annoyed if I ask him to do the laundry more than a couple times a week. We wear clothes everyday - the horror! He has been doing more housework than he ever did before, it has been baby steps. It is just frustrating to have to make a list of stuff to do or remind him of appointments, etc. That is just another task to add to the pile.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,947
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 17, 2018 15:38:06 GMT -5
Dh and I had a good weekend. He's been sick so was sent home early on Friday night and they told him to stay home Saturday and just be on call. The extra sleep from Friday really must have done it because we had practically a normal, nice weekend. Started making me wonder if I should have him quit all together. I discussed with him that he needs to get back to a real swing shift or days instead of this early overnight shift he's doing now. Or maybe he goes self employed and pieces together relief work. None of which are really ideal since more income would really be better, but if we could get on even footing and like each other and move forward it would be cheaper than divorce. Hard to test out though. This morning though it's the same old story. He even said last night as I was going to bed that he'd try to put lunches together. That didn't happen. His alarm started going off at 6, but that means nothing. I honestly don't want to talk to him until he's out of bed, and yes that is bitchy of me, but I don't care if you're awake, or when you went to sleep, or even how you're feeling at that point. I care about what you're doing and you're doing nothing so I have to focus on what I can do. I got the kids up, made a hot breakfast, packed lunches, packed backpacks, coats on, critters taken care of, etc. E was having a morning meltdown and dh did get up earlier than usual...7ish and helped her get dressed, and then we had to do an emergency pump change for C which he handled so he was more engaged than most mornings. He didn't yell, but he's managed to turn not yelling into passive aggressive jabs, even at the kids. He'd say I'm overly sensitive and I'd just say he's a jackass. With no one else to moderate it's hard to say who's more right. I don't know how much to nitpick his interactions with the kids. I am not perfect. I yell and get upset and make mistakes. I know dh is trying too, but not enough for me I guess. During E's meltdown this morning C kept trying to intervene and then got mad at me. He said that he felt like dad, that he has to yell at E because I don't. I asked him if being yelled at ever made him feel better, or feel more connected, or want to try harder. That yelling is the easy answer, but not usually the right one. He seemed to get it. But that's the stuff that I hate that is becoming so normal for him and both kids. Working from home I think is what has made things so much worse. He's complained all weekend about how busy he'll be at school today. That he over committed on volunteering and Monday is going to be so awful. But after our less than stellar morning, I take a break to run upstairs and finish dishes since I didn't get them done earlier and he's fucking napping in the recliner. At 10am. He left the house at 10:45, has to go to the bank and then I'm sure will work really hard at the school for 3 1/2 hours. Oh, the horror! The house is a disaster. I'm not asking him to clean up my crafting, but dishes, laundry, making beds, or even just recycling the tp holders would take something off my plate. If I didn't work at home though, I wouldn't see that to be mad and that's the mad that tips me over the edge with everything else. I'd just know that he had a crazy busy volunteer day at the school and "didn't have time" to do anything at home. I'm sure we're at the point of needing counseling. I will try to bring that up next week. The therapist he likes is an hour a way, and that isn't going to happen. It needs to be someone we can see in town, when the kids already have daycare, so during the work day. I need to look for a group for care givers to people with chronic pain. I'm sorry rae. This sucks. The seeing him sit around thing - I liken it to when the kids were babies and i'd be feeding them overnight and DH would just be snoring away WITH HIS STUPID USELESS BOOBS. If he was at work (he occasionally worked overnights) I had no problem, but to watch someone else relaxing when you don't get that same opportunity is like nails on the chalkboard of the soul. It sucks sucks sucks. If he stays home, do you think he will use that time to do things around the house? Is that what happened when he took LOA before? Because the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. I had the stupid useless boobs moment when Gwen was clusterfeeding. DH has no clue how close he came to death that night. He's come very close again lately by complaining about putting Abby to bed and how hard it is. My response is "Boobs. Two years. Twice. Fuck off."
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 27,965
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 17, 2018 16:20:01 GMT -5
My DH has ADHD. He never said anything until our older son was having issues in Pre-K and was diagnosed. Apparently he was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, as was his brother, but his parents chose to do nothing. Another wise parenting decision on their part, another in a long long line. My DH has anxiety, depression, bipolar, schizophrenia and PTSD. The PTSD was from being beaten with a belt as a child as well as having his father threaten to kill himself with a shotgun when DH was about 5 or so. DH was a very heavy drinker, like 18 beers at once was not unheard of. He later told me he drank to try to get the voices to stop. I never knew he heard voices until about a year or year and a half ago. We have been together since 2003. When he decided to stop drinking and go to therapy, etc., his father was less than supportive. He went on a rant about how therapists are crooks and just weasel money out of people and he doesn't trust them, etc. His mom wasn't unsupportive but goes out of her way to not disagree with his dad, at least in from of other people. I had to specifically say that beer/alcohol was not allowed at our house. His father was bringing it every time they came over. It was like he wanted him to fail, though he is pretty clueless sometimes anyway. I'm not blaming anyone for his problems. I really think that if his parents had try to help him when he was younger instead of being an ostrich and putting their heads in the sand, a lot of the mental agony he has gone through could have been avoided. BIL is a recovering alcoholic. About 20 years ago now, my sister gave him an ultimatum: his family or the booze. He decided to stop the alcohol. He has managed to do it cold turkey from the day he made his decision. He did go to his pastor for counseling, but no 12 step program. He did several Promise Keepers events years ago. No alcohol is allowed in their house to this day. He says he doesn't feel a desire to drink now but does not want to be tempted. Their four kids were pretty good after the hullabaloo caused by one of them hiding alcohol when they were in high school and my sister finding it. They had chosen one of their dad's hiding places. She said she has never found alcohol in the house again.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,946
|
Post by raeoflyte on Dec 17, 2018 16:23:20 GMT -5
Dh and I had a good weekend. He's been sick so was sent home early on Friday night and they told him to stay home Saturday and just be on call. The extra sleep from Friday really must have done it because we had practically a normal, nice weekend. Started making me wonder if I should have him quit all together. I discussed with him that he needs to get back to a real swing shift or days instead of this early overnight shift he's doing now. Or maybe he goes self employed and pieces together relief work. None of which are really ideal since more income would really be better, but if we could get on even footing and like each other and move forward it would be cheaper than divorce. Hard to test out though. This morning though it's the same old story. He even said last night as I was going to bed that he'd try to put lunches together. That didn't happen. His alarm started going off at 6, but that means nothing. I honestly don't want to talk to him until he's out of bed, and yes that is bitchy of me, but I don't care if you're awake, or when you went to sleep, or even how you're feeling at that point. I care about what you're doing and you're doing nothing so I have to focus on what I can do. I got the kids up, made a hot breakfast, packed lunches, packed backpacks, coats on, critters taken care of, etc. E was having a morning meltdown and dh did get up earlier than usual...7ish and helped her get dressed, and then we had to do an emergency pump change for C which he handled so he was more engaged than most mornings. He didn't yell, but he's managed to turn not yelling into passive aggressive jabs, even at the kids. He'd say I'm overly sensitive and I'd just say he's a jackass. With no one else to moderate it's hard to say who's more right. I don't know how much to nitpick his interactions with the kids. I am not perfect. I yell and get upset and make mistakes. I know dh is trying too, but not enough for me I guess. During E's meltdown this morning C kept trying to intervene and then got mad at me. He said that he felt like dad, that he has to yell at E because I don't. I asked him if being yelled at ever made him feel better, or feel more connected, or want to try harder. That yelling is the easy answer, but not usually the right one. He seemed to get it. But that's the stuff that I hate that is becoming so normal for him and both kids. Working from home I think is what has made things so much worse. He's complained all weekend about how busy he'll be at school today. That he over committed on volunteering and Monday is going to be so awful. But after our less than stellar morning, I take a break to run upstairs and finish dishes since I didn't get them done earlier and he's fucking napping in the recliner. At 10am. He left the house at 10:45, has to go to the bank and then I'm sure will work really hard at the school for 3 1/2 hours. Oh, the horror! The house is a disaster. I'm not asking him to clean up my crafting, but dishes, laundry, making beds, or even just recycling the tp holders would take something off my plate. If I didn't work at home though, I wouldn't see that to be mad and that's the mad that tips me over the edge with everything else. I'd just know that he had a crazy busy volunteer day at the school and "didn't have time" to do anything at home. I'm sure we're at the point of needing counseling. I will try to bring that up next week. The therapist he likes is an hour a way, and that isn't going to happen. It needs to be someone we can see in town, when the kids already have daycare, so during the work day. I need to look for a group for care givers to people with chronic pain. I'm sorry rae. This sucks. The seeing him sit around thing - I liken it to when the kids were babies and i'd be feeding them overnight and DH would just be snoring away WITH HIS STUPID USELESS BOOBS. If he was at work (he occasionally worked overnights) I had no problem, but to watch someone else relaxing when you don't get that same opportunity is like nails on the chalkboard of the soul. It sucks sucks sucks. If he stays home, do you think he will use that time to do things around the house? Is that what happened when he took LOA before? Because the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. 3 of his 4 times off work he was great at taking care of things at home. House work, meals/snacks, human niceties, and a happier individual. The 4th one is when he started studying for boards a month after E was born, so I don't know how much I can count that one, and he was back at work shortly after that anyway. Working nights makes so many of his issues worse that a lot of his spoons go to that. Working days seems like the logical step, but the commute and different people/issues that comes with days seems like too much for dh to handle. His commute would suck and he isn't willing to look at changing hospitals. I make good money and he's already as part time as it gets, so we could make it work, but we really don't like cutting spending.
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Dec 17, 2018 17:09:55 GMT -5
No it's not exclusive to males. However men tend to be excused and forgiven because "that's how men are wired" In reality science has proven we aren't wired different at all. You crack open our heads and all humans have pretty much the same brain All the bull about women being wired to be empathetic and caring while men can't tell a feeling from an elbow is all societally engineered and is held up by "science" done by Victorian quacks who had a vested interest in making women out to be less logical and therefore weaker creatures. We need to stop telling men being oblivious is acceptable because they have a penis. If I'm a self centered bitch then he's a self centered ahole in the same context. I don't know who is telling men that being oblivious is acceptable. I sure haven't been. I would straight up tell X that this and that needed to be done/cleaned. I would tell him that I wasn't happy with our relationship. Of course he had his own mental issues at the time (which he is getting help for now).
I'm actually starting to think it's something to do with undiagnosed ADHD and the way that those affected grow into adults. Undiagnosed ADD/ADHD manifests into anxiety and depression - that explains X, he definitely had it and was never treated. It seems the prevalence of ADHD is higher in males. That would explain a lot of the avoiding and aloofness I see in males.... again, these are thoughts, not excuses. It's less diagnosed in girls, but I don't think that's definitive proof it occurs in boys more. Adhd in boys presents in the stereotypical way people think and it presents vastly different in most girls and only more recently becoming known. I knew I was add from around middle school but no one took me seriously because I "wasn't bouncing off the walls" and "got good grades" and "didn't fidget much" among other things. Though I was pretty much textbook female presentation of it.
|
|
TheHaitian
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 27, 2014 19:39:10 GMT -5
Posts: 10,144
|
Post by TheHaitian on Dec 17, 2018 17:20:26 GMT -5
Hey... spent the morning with Carlie since MIL needed to go to NY and I switched with DW at noon (we picked her up at work and she dropped me off at work).
If she has told us earlier I could have taken the day off which would have made it much easier on us but as psyched it together fine, i just know DW hate having to do half days at work unless she really has too and my job is more flexible with switching days/time at work. So those time MIL need to head out of town I usually take the time off.
It was a great morning and I am loving this phase; she is so cute and we have actual conversations (not full speech yet but I can understand what she is trying to say). She has learned that she needs to say thank you when we do things for her and that is my new favorite , when she says : thank you dadda... melt my heart away!
When DW dropped me off and I had to leave she was crying for dadda... while I was sad she was crying, it made me feel loved and needed.
Seriously, spending time with DD lately is the highlights of my days/week... my mom said to enjoy it before she starts talking back and given me attitude. Wish I could stop time or at least slow it down 😢
|
|
muttleynfelix
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 15:32:52 GMT -5
Posts: 9,406
|
Post by muttleynfelix on Dec 17, 2018 17:20:49 GMT -5
A lot of us talk about needing to see a counselor or therapist and lacking time. I was listening to a podcast and there is an online company called Talkspace.com for online counseling. I'm not promoting this, but I think it is good to know all your options.
|
|
TheHaitian
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 27, 2014 19:39:10 GMT -5
Posts: 10,144
|
Post by TheHaitian on Dec 17, 2018 17:51:51 GMT -5
As for # 2, some days I do and some days I think I will be ok with just 1. I know my wife would like another one (she always wanted #3 but knows that will not happen)... but at times she has stated she too will be ok with just one since not too long ago she was not even sure that was even a possibility.
We have a Dr appointment scheduled at the end of the year and then really we will see. We are lucky with Carlie that we have MIL which has made our life so much easier compared to what it could have been; but she turns 70 next year.
We will see... at times I think maybe I should have listen to DW and let her keep her old job working from home and have kids back to back (1 year apart) and be done once and for all... but then sometimes I also think we shouldn’t have waited so long that if we started trying at 25 like my wife wanted we would have had kids that are 8 years old now....
But life would be totally different since we probably would have never left the Poughkeepsie area due to proximity to family etc etc:.. that is life. Instead I am going to celebrate the life I have now and keep forging forwards.
|
|
Pants
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
Posts: 7,579
|
Post by Pants on Dec 17, 2018 17:57:42 GMT -5
Hey... spent the morning with Carlie since MIL needed to go to NY and I switched with DW at noon (we picked her up at work and she dropped me off at work). If she has told us earlier I could have taken the day off which would have made it much easier on us but as psyched it together fine, i just know DW hate having to do half days at work unless she really has too and my job is more flexible with switching days/time at work. So those time MIL need to head out of town I usually take the time off. It was a great morning and I am loving this phase; she is so cute and we have actual conversations (not full speech yet but I can understand what she is trying to say). She has learned that she needs to say thank you when we do things for her and that is my new favorite , when she says : thank you dadda... melt my heart away! When DW dropped me off and I had to leave she was crying for dadda... while I was sad she was crying, it made me feel loved and needed. Seriously, spending time with DD lately is the highlights of my days/week... my mom said to enjoy it before she starts talking back and given me attitude. Wish I could stop time or at least slow it down 😢 Every phase has delights and drawbacks. I want to keep my kids little and also let them grow and see what's next. It's one of the fundamental conflicts of parenthood. It's the best and the worst.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Dec 17, 2018 18:22:42 GMT -5
I hate the having to tell another adult what to do - as in housework. He has two eyes. He can see it is a mess. Anytime he does the laundry or dishes, he expects a parade. He gets annoyed if I ask him to do the laundry more than a couple times a week. We wear clothes everyday - the horror! He has been doing more housework than he ever did before, it has been baby steps. It is just frustrating to have to make a list of stuff to do or remind him of appointments, etc. That is just another task to add to the pile. Yep. I talked about that with my therapist. I can be quiet, resent the hell out of him and still have to deal with it. Or I can use my words, resent the hell out of him and not have to deal with whatever I asked him to do. Some days I'm better than others. Some days he's better than others.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,946
|
Post by raeoflyte on Dec 17, 2018 18:31:12 GMT -5
I hate the having to tell another adult what to do - as in housework. He has two eyes. He can see it is a mess. Anytime he does the laundry or dishes, he expects a parade. He gets annoyed if I ask him to do the laundry more than a couple times a week. We wear clothes everyday - the horror! He has been doing more housework than he ever did before, it has been baby steps. It is just frustrating to have to make a list of stuff to do or remind him of appointments, etc. That is just another task to add to the pile. Yep. I talked about that with my therapist. I can be quiet, resent the hell out of him and still have to deal with it. Or I can use my words, resent the hell out of him and not have to deal with whatever I asked him to do. Some days I'm better than others. Some days he's better than others. I should probably just make dh a list of household chores I expect done each week. More would get done, and even if/when it didn't there's a very specific thing to refer back to when I'm frustrated. But it's still a complete abdication of responsibility and leaving it for me that is the problem. I don't know how dh would live without me. It could be in squalor for all I know. At which point at least I'd know he truly isn't capable of anything more. But honestly what I see is Eric in That 70's Show, shrugging his shoulders and saying, "I guess I'm just bad at it"... which the daily or weekly list just enforces. I mean its not like there aren't already multiple lists posted about what chores to do and when. I just haven't assigned them to him. I had the therapist when I was maybe 20, maybe younger even, that told me not to nag dh about housework. If it was important to me, I should just do it myself. So I take everything in therapy with a big grain of salt. They still have their own personal issues they are bringing into the session.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Dec 17, 2018 18:32:00 GMT -5
shanendoah wrote this on Sam's thread and it seemed like a good fit with some on the discussions here.
|
|
azucena
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 13:23:14 GMT -5
Posts: 5,614
|
Post by azucena on Dec 17, 2018 19:13:19 GMT -5
Drowning at work right now so I should just be glad that dh was able to pick up the kids and make dinner. I put eggs toast, and fruit on tonight's menu because I haven't been to the store in 10 days so our food is bare and truthfully we have less food waste the weeks I push out the grocery run because we have to be more creative.
I open the garage to the smell of bacon. Yeah, there was definitely no bacon in our house so that means dh did his typical $20 one ofd trip to the store because obviously he wanted bacon and then picked up 2 or 3 other random things. Irritates me over and over when he does this but talking about how it doesn't make sense to shop for each specific meal and how I usually spend $125 for the entire weeks worth of food.
So I'm already trying to weigh how much or my pissyness is work stress and how it's probably not worth a fight since at least dinner is done.
Then DD10 says we were supposed to have a math test today, this coming off a weekend with "no homework". But the teacher "couldn't find it" so they did a review sheet today of which dd finished 10 out of 26 questions and "wasn't allowed to take it home to finish". But it's all good because she didn't have any homework today. Um so is there a math test tomorrow? "Dunno, teacher didn't say". Did you ask? Nope.
FML
|
|
Pants
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
Posts: 7,579
|
Post by Pants on Dec 17, 2018 19:42:02 GMT -5
Drowning at work right now so I should just be glad that dh was able to pick up the kids and make dinner. I put eggs toast, and fruit on tonight's menu because I haven't been to the store in 10 days so our food is bare and truthfully we have less food waste the weeks I push out the grocery run because we have to be more creative. I open the garage to the smell of bacon. Yeah, there was definitely no bacon in our house so that means dh did his typical $20 one ofd trip to the store because obviously he wanted bacon and then picked up 2 or 3 other random things. Irritates me over and over when he does this but talking about how it doesn't make sense to shop for each specific meal and how I usually spend $125 for the entire weeks worth of food. So I'm already trying to weigh how much or my pissyness is work stress and how it's probably not worth a fight since at least dinner is done. Then DD10 says we were supposed to have a math test today, this coming off a weekend with "no homework". But the teacher "couldn't find it" so they did a review sheet today of which dd finished 10 out of 26 questions and "wasn't allowed to take it home to finish". But it's all good because she didn't have any homework today. Um so is there a math test tomorrow? "Dunno, teacher didn't say". Did you ask? Nope. FML I'm sorry. My vote is on chalking it up to work stress, but it's so hard when it's part of an ongoing fight. For your DD, is she struggling in school? Is there a reason you have to be on her? If not, given your stress level, is there any way you could just... not engage on this one? Easier said than done. At least the end of the year is in two short weeks?
|
|
azucena
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 13:23:14 GMT -5
Posts: 5,614
|
Post by azucena on Dec 18, 2018 7:42:23 GMT -5
She's struggling in math because she's not putting in any effort. Not studying for a test means she will get a C or D when she's been working much harder all along and was teetering on an A. Plus, she needs to develop the confidence to ask the teacher which day the test is.
I took the hands off approach at the beginning of the semester, but she was quickly bottoming out.
|
|
Pants
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
Posts: 7,579
|
Post by Pants on Dec 18, 2018 8:08:57 GMT -5
She's struggling in math because she's not putting in any effort. Not studying for a test means she will get a C or D when she's been working much harder all along and was teetering on an A. Plus, she needs to develop the confidence to ask the teacher which day the test is. I took the hands off approach at the beginning of the semester, but she was quickly bottoming out. Got it. Hope you got some sleep and feel a bit refreshed this am, if nothing else.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Dec 18, 2018 9:15:39 GMT -5
Ok, the kids have their White Elephant gifts that we need for Sunday. I have 1/2 of the gift cards I need for Sunday (my broke college aged godchildren get gift cards.) And I need a White Elephant gift. I'm debating between booze or a couple of boxes of the Swedish fish. My grandfather always kept them at his house and we adults all have fond memories of eating them. Plus we like them. And the minors can have them. But the emotional load may be too much for us, closely following my grandmother's funeral. Otherwise I'm buying booze. I think we have 4 minors - my 2 plus an 18 year old and a 19 year old. And there will be several gifts aimed at my kids.
My handbell choir is woefully unprepared for Christmas this year. We only got the music for Christmas Eve last Sunday. I don't have or have never played about 1/2 of it. We have 1 practice left. Our director keeps changing music after we've practiced it one way and we find out on Sunday monring, with about 30 minutes to figure it out. I love the bells but I can't take this much stress over them. I don't have the energy or the patience to cope with this. Add in the challenge of getting me to practice with the kids having sports and other activities, I feel like I'm running flat out. Sometime is going to have to give next year.
My manager left us (Fire Dept IT) for the cops IT department in mid Oct. Admin till hasn't posted her job. I'm going to take another whack at it, when they finally post it. I'm not sure I'm qualified for it. I'm not sure I actually do want it. But it'd be at least a $25K raise, possibly closer to $35K. I want the money. And I'm eligible to retire on full pension (70% of my highest 3 years salary) in July 2025. So I'm talking myself into thinking it won't be so hideously horribly bad. At least I'd be able to afford monthly massages, right? My Chief was here and confirmed that Admin is on the slow route on this.
Dh had court last night on his car accident. Fine is still $100 but they dropped the ticket to something else and 0 points (down from 4 points) and he paid the fine while there so that's done. The check from the insurance company for his totalled out car came yesterday. He's buying a new car from his company's fleet. The boss/owner is giving him a further discount on it so the new to us car (a 2008 Pontiac with 150,000 miles) is about $2500. We're dumping the remainder off the insurance payout on the CC bill. DH's bonus will be about $1K, or $600 or so after taxes and whatnot. I think we're dumping that on the CC bill too.
I need to take a couple hours of vacation time to wrap presents when the kids aren't home. I may do that today. I want to make cookies but I don't know if I can find the time. I need to just breathe. Once we get over the Christmas hump, I'll be ok.
Oh and we still have fleas. Tiny ones, which I think means newly hatched. I'm taking that to mean the treatments are working as designed and we're making progress. If I'm wrong, I don't want to know right now. Tell me after Christmas, Ok?
|
|
finnime
Junior Associate
Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 7:14:35 GMT -5
Posts: 7,932
Member is Online
|
Post by finnime on Dec 18, 2018 9:49:45 GMT -5
TheHaitian, your DD is beautiful and clearly bright. She shines.
|
|
raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
Posts: 14,946
|
Post by raeoflyte on Dec 18, 2018 10:15:10 GMT -5
Hugs Beth. I think booze or the swedish fish will be good white elephant gifts.
|
|
chapeau
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jan 17, 2013 10:50:04 GMT -5
Posts: 1,649
|
Post by chapeau on Dec 18, 2018 10:26:05 GMT -5
Big hugs Beth. Does your family steal White Elephant gifts, so you know the kids won’t be “stuck” with the booze? (I’m sure the teens would be heartbroken to get it😉) What can you get where you pick up the gift cards? Make life easy on yourself!
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,601
|
Post by swamp on Dec 18, 2018 10:43:05 GMT -5
DS had an away basketball game yesterday. It was about 1.5 hour drive, so I didn't go.
He scored his first basket in a game.
I'm so happy for him (because frankly, he pretty much sucks, but he's having fun, getting exercise, and working as part of a team) but I'm so sad I missed it.
|
|
TheOtherMe
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
Posts: 27,965
Mini-Profile Name Color: e619e6
|
Post by TheOtherMe on Dec 18, 2018 11:16:51 GMT -5
|
|
azucena
Junior Associate
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 13:23:14 GMT -5
Posts: 5,614
|
Post by azucena on Dec 18, 2018 12:47:51 GMT -5
I don't know who is telling men that being oblivious is acceptable. I sure haven't been. I would straight up tell X that this and that needed to be done/cleaned. I would tell him that I wasn't happy with our relationship. Of course he had his own mental issues at the time (which he is getting help for now).
I'm actually starting to think it's something to do with undiagnosed ADHD and the way that those affected grow into adults. Undiagnosed ADD/ADHD manifests into anxiety and depression - that explains X, he definitely had it and was never treated. It seems the prevalence of ADHD is higher in males. That would explain a lot of the avoiding and aloofness I see in males.... again, these are thoughts, not excuses. It's less diagnosed in girls, but I don't think that's definitive proof it occurs in boys more. Adhd in boys presents in the stereotypical way people think and it presents vastly different in most girls and only more recently becoming known. I knew I was add from around middle school but no one took me seriously because I "wasn't bouncing off the walls" and "got good grades" and "didn't fidget much" among other things. Though I was pretty much textbook female presentation of it. Curious if you could elaborate on this more or point me to an article please.
|
|
Chocolate Lover
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:54:19 GMT -5
Posts: 23,200
|
Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 18, 2018 12:53:23 GMT -5
It's less diagnosed in girls, but I don't think that's definitive proof it occurs in boys more. Adhd in boys presents in the stereotypical way people think and it presents vastly different in most girls and only more recently becoming known. I knew I was add from around middle school but no one took me seriously because I "wasn't bouncing off the walls" and "got good grades" and "didn't fidget much" among other things. Though I was pretty much textbook female presentation of it. Curious if you could elaborate on this more or point me to an article please. Not me, but here's my favorite ADHD author's website. I know he talks about this in his books www.drhallowell.com/
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Dec 18, 2018 13:34:59 GMT -5
Big hugs Beth. Does your family steal White Elephant gifts, so you know the kids won’t be “stuck” with the booze? (I’m sure the teens would be heartbroken to get it😉) What can you get where you pick up the gift cards? Make life easy on yourself! Yeah, the plan seems to be that my kids will pick towards the end, so they can scope out all the gifts and pick the one they want the most. With no stealing from them.
I think I can get the candy at Walgreens. And gift cards, I can definitely get those there.
K has vball practice tonight so I think I'm going to drop her off at school for that and go take care of the gc and the fish. If I can't find the fish at Walgreen's, there's a liquor store nearby so I can run over there and get booze. I've got an hour between dropping her off and picking her back up so it's doable.
I think the kids and I are having pizza for dinner. Maybe ravioli for K since she's in a no pizza stage right now. Both are easy enough. DH has gym class and he'll have to take C with him, which C will hate but oh well. So DH will be on his own for dinner.
And I need to talk to DH about what he wants for Christmas. I'm drawing a blank for him this year.
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Dec 18, 2018 14:37:25 GMT -5
It's less diagnosed in girls, but I don't think that's definitive proof it occurs in boys more. Adhd in boys presents in the stereotypical way people think and it presents vastly different in most girls and only more recently becoming known. I knew I was add from around middle school but no one took me seriously because I "wasn't bouncing off the walls" and "got good grades" and "didn't fidget much" among other things. Though I was pretty much textbook female presentation of it. Curious if you could elaborate on this more or point me to an article please. If you google, a ton of material shows up. www.webmd.com/add-adhd/features/adhd-in-women#1www.verywellmind.com/adhd-in-girls-symptoms-of-adhd-in-girls-20547www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-in-women/This one is a good article www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/04/adhd-is-different-for-women/381158/ quotes below The last part is very true for me. Being smart masked all my symptoms - or at least made it so they weren't perceived as a problem. Teacher's couldn't say much if I talked a lot in class, because I only did it after I finished my work. When I was distracted and they called me out on it I could still usually answer the question they asked to prove I wasn't paying attention (thus they often stopped so they wouldn't be proved wrong). I've always had a HUGE problem with being able to clean and keep things clean but my parents to this day just think it's me being lazy and it's become a not-so-nice family joke even after I've pointed out it's my biggest detriment of my ADD. I'd often forget about school work - but wasn't much of an issue because I could knock it out in 10 minutes before it's due. Lists are almost useless to me. Etc etc.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,947
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 18, 2018 14:53:46 GMT -5
Oh shit I might be ADD.
My main issue is paperwork which can get me in trouble at work. It's been a common theme in all of them.
So now I write EVERYTHING down which takes twice as long. I also endlessly repeat things to make sure I heard it and wrote it down right. Which is exhausting and I know it can get on other's nerves.
If you catch me right after I did something I can tell you exactly what I just did but I forget to then document it. And I can't remember it later.
That's gotten worse since the kids. That quote mentions estrogen so that's a puzzle piece clicking there.
Bills can be a struggle too. I've lost count of how many times I've paid the $25 stupid tax cause I keep forgetting they changed sanitation from biannual to quarterly.
|
|
justme
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 10, 2012 13:12:47 GMT -5
Posts: 14,618
|
Post by justme on Dec 18, 2018 15:00:24 GMT -5
One of those links I posted when on about how the DSM guideliness for ADD/ADHD were written after observing how it presents in white boys. Those symptoms became pervasive as "what ADD is" that it's led to a lot of girls/women going diagnosed.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,947
Member is Online
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 18, 2018 15:06:00 GMT -5
My psychiatrist asked if I'd ever been diagnosed. He admitted though it's slanted towards boys which may be why when I have taken tests it says I'm not.
I'm also dyslexic. Took me years to figure that out they stopped testing in schools and I don't present typical symptoms.
My struggle is with numbers. I flip them which is why I suck so bad at math. Excel can be a problem too because I'll either skip or flip cells.
DH figured it out when he tried to help me with homework in college.
Not a single teacher or professor in my life caught it. Now that I know I can correct for it.
|
|