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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2018 11:39:54 GMT -5
Carl - Carlie is such a cutie! What a fun age! Yesterday was a rough day. The older kids left in the morning to go to church with their mom. C lost it. He was so sad, big crocodile tears and everything. He just loves them so much and really struggles when they leave. It hit me that I want him to have a sibling (closer in age). We'd already pretty much decided against it, but I just felt so badly with him crying by the door. It's mainly just going to be him and his old mom and dad for his whole life, and it breaks my heart. DH doesn't want to try again. He would be 42 when a baby was born if I got pregnant today, and he feels like he's too old. He also has 5 kids. I can't really blame him. He told me yesterday he didn't know if he could handle watching me do IVF and having it nor work again. So there's that. I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. Tell me C will be okay basically being an only child? He will be fine! He will likely have the best of both worlds - a big family but also the focus of an only child! Kids cry a lot, I promise you won't scar him for life!!! I was an "only" child with 4 brothers and a sister. They are steps and halves that most of my life I never actually lived with, but now I have this big family support system.
My oldest son was an only until he was 8, and Carrot will be an only at 9 if his brother moves away after graduation. They enjoy each other's company somewhat, but they also fight a lot. You would think with that big of an age difference they'd get along better, but I about pull over and throw them out of the van sometimes.
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chapeau
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Post by chapeau on Dec 17, 2018 11:46:42 GMT -5
Carl - Carlie is such a cutie! What a fun age! Yesterday was a rough day. The older kids left in the morning to go to church with their mom. C lost it. He was so sad, big crocodile tears and everything. He just loves them so much and really struggles when they leave. It hit me that I want him to have a sibling (closer in age). We'd already pretty much decided against it, but I just felt so badly with him crying by the door. It's mainly just going to be him and his old mom and dad for his whole life, and it breaks my heart. DH doesn't want to try again. He would be 42 when a baby was born if I got pregnant today, and he feels like he's too old. He also has 5 kids. I can't really blame him. He told me yesterday he didn't know if he could handle watching me do IVF and having it nor work again. So there's that. I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. Tell me C will be okay basically being an only child? This is where I am, too, minus the IVF issues. And H only has 3 total, but I get it. We kept putting off trying for #2 because H can’t get a full time job, and now I’m feeling like it’s too late. I resent H so much. I want another one very badly, but my brain knows it’s a bad idea. Also, I resent him so much I don’t even want him to touch me, so that makes that whole knocking up thing a little difficult. DD is the only child in her generation (the older 2 are 21 and 17). She has no cousins on my side (yet!), and the youngest of the 3 on H’s side is 22. I never wanted that for her. (And damn it, now I’m tearing up at work.)
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Dec 17, 2018 11:49:28 GMT -5
There are pluses and minuses to all set ups. There are difficulties with having kids close in age that I had never imagined only having 1 sister who is 9 years older, but there are benefits too. He will be fine and I think what helps me the most is remembering that having another baby is no guarantee that he'd have a friend as a child or an adult. My dad's family basically had 2 families. 4 kids born when his parents were young, and an oops baby 15 year later. His parents were sure she needed a playmate and a year and a half later they had twins--my dad and his twin sister. Dad says the oops baby never got a playmate because he and his twin pretty much stuck together.
I'm still not sure how to overcome that feeling of wanting another baby though. I don't even want another baby. Except when I do.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Dec 17, 2018 11:50:55 GMT -5
Carl - Carlie is such a cutie! What a fun age! Yesterday was a rough day. The older kids left in the morning to go to church with their mom. C lost it. He was so sad, big crocodile tears and everything. He just loves them so much and really struggles when they leave. It hit me that I want him to have a sibling (closer in age). We'd already pretty much decided against it, but I just felt so badly with him crying by the door. It's mainly just going to be him and his old mom and dad for his whole life, and it breaks my heart. DH doesn't want to try again. He would be 42 when a baby was born if I got pregnant today, and he feels like he's too old. He also has 5 kids. I can't really blame him. He told me yesterday he didn't know if he could handle watching me do IVF and having it nor work again. So there's that. I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. Tell me C will be okay basically being an only child? This is where I am, too, minus the IVF issues. And H only has 3 total, but I get it. We kept putting off trying for #2 because H can’t get a full time job, and now I’m feeling like it’s too late. I resent H so much. I want another one very badly, but my brain knows it’s a bad idea. Also, I resent him so much I don’t even want him to touch me, so that makes that whole knocking up thing a little difficult. DD is the only child in her generation (the older 2 are 21 and 17). She has no cousins on my side (yet!), and the youngest of the 3 on H’s side is 22. I never wanted that for her. (And damn it, now I’m tearing up at work.) Hugs Chapeau.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Dec 17, 2018 11:57:06 GMT -5
Carl - Carlie is such a cutie! What a fun age! Yesterday was a rough day. The older kids left in the morning to go to church with their mom. C lost it. He was so sad, big crocodile tears and everything. He just loves them so much and really struggles when they leave. It hit me that I want him to have a sibling (closer in age). We'd already pretty much decided against it, but I just felt so badly with him crying by the door. It's mainly just going to be him and his old mom and dad for his whole life, and it breaks my heart. DH doesn't want to try again. He would be 42 when a baby was born if I got pregnant today, and he feels like he's too old. He also has 5 kids. I can't really blame him. He told me yesterday he didn't know if he could handle watching me do IVF and having it nor work again. So there's that. I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. Tell me C will be okay basically being an only child? He will be fine! He will likely have the best of both worlds - a big family but also the focus of an only child! Kids cry a lot, I promise you won't scar him for life!!! That's a good way to look at it, thank you.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Dec 17, 2018 11:58:08 GMT -5
Carl - Carlie is such a cutie! What a fun age! Yesterday was a rough day. The older kids left in the morning to go to church with their mom. C lost it. He was so sad, big crocodile tears and everything. He just loves them so much and really struggles when they leave. It hit me that I want him to have a sibling (closer in age). We'd already pretty much decided against it, but I just felt so badly with him crying by the door. It's mainly just going to be him and his old mom and dad for his whole life, and it breaks my heart. DH doesn't want to try again. He would be 42 when a baby was born if I got pregnant today, and he feels like he's too old. He also has 5 kids. I can't really blame him. He told me yesterday he didn't know if he could handle watching me do IVF and having it nor work again. So there's that. I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. Tell me C will be okay basically being an only child? This is where I am, too, minus the IVF issues. And H only has 3 total, but I get it. We kept putting off trying for #2 because H can’t get a full time job, and now I’m feeling like it’s too late. I resent H so much. I want another one very badly, but my brain knows it’s a bad idea. Also, I resent him so much I don’t even want him to touch me, so that makes that whole knocking up thing a little difficult. DD is the only child in her generation (the older 2 are 21 and 17). She has no cousins on my side (yet!), and the youngest of the 3 on H’s side is 22. I never wanted that for her. (And damn it, now I’m tearing up at work.) I'm so sorry. There isn't a perfect or easy solution. I think for me it's just coming to terms with the fact that life doesn't typically turn out how we think it should or even how we think it will. It's a hard pill to swallow some days. Hugs
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Dec 17, 2018 12:06:12 GMT -5
Carl, Carlie is a cutie!! Glad you’re popping back in to say hi and update us!
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Dec 17, 2018 12:07:30 GMT -5
Anyone have any book suggestions for 12 and 13 yo girls? I’ve found a few suggestions looking at various lists online, but thought I’d ask here as well.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Dec 17, 2018 12:18:13 GMT -5
There are pluses and minuses to all set ups. There are difficulties with having kids close in age that I had never imagined only having 1 sister who is 9 years older, but there are benefits too. He will be fine and I think what helps me the most is remembering that having another baby is no guarantee that he'd have a friend as a child or an adult. My dad's family basically had 2 families. 4 kids born when his parents were young, and an oops baby 15 year later. His parents were sure she needed a playmate and a year and a half later they had twins--my dad and his twin sister. Dad says the oops baby never got a playmate because he and his twin pretty much stuck together. I'm still not sure how to overcome that feeling of wanting another baby though. I don't even want another baby. Except when I do. My brother is 4years younger and he's a fucking dick and I no longer have contact with him. A good 10% of family stress in my life melted away when I decided never to spend holidays with my family if he's there. I'm sure my parents thought they were doing a good thing and providing me with a sibling, but enh. He abused me growing up, he's a selfish asshole, he married a selfish asshole, I'm 100% better off without them in my life. ETA: I'm not full no-contact, just no in-person contact. It's easier to take him in small, electronic doses.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Dec 17, 2018 12:19:41 GMT -5
Carl - Carlie is such a cutie! What a fun age! Yesterday was a rough day. The older kids left in the morning to go to church with their mom. C lost it. He was so sad, big crocodile tears and everything. He just loves them so much and really struggles when they leave. It hit me that I want him to have a sibling (closer in age). We'd already pretty much decided against it, but I just felt so badly with him crying by the door. It's mainly just going to be him and his old mom and dad for his whole life, and it breaks my heart. DH doesn't want to try again. He would be 42 when a baby was born if I got pregnant today, and he feels like he's too old. He also has 5 kids. I can't really blame him. He told me yesterday he didn't know if he could handle watching me do IVF and having it nor work again. So there's that. I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. Tell me C will be okay basically being an only child? This is where I am, too, minus the IVF issues. And H only has 3 total, but I get it. We kept putting off trying for #2 because H can’t get a full time job, and now I’m feeling like it’s too late. I resent H so much. I want another one very badly, but my brain knows it’s a bad idea. Also, I resent him so much I don’t even want him to touch me, so that makes that whole knocking up thing a little difficult. DD is the only child in her generation (the older 2 are 21 and 17). She has no cousins on my side (yet!), and the youngest of the 3 on H’s side is 22. I never wanted that for her. (And damn it, now I’m tearing up at work.) Sorry, Chapeau. I've come to terms with not having #3 because DH objects very strenuously. It's the "smart" choice but that doesn't make it any easier to swallow.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 17, 2018 12:34:15 GMT -5
Anyone have any book suggestions for 12 and 13 yo girls? I’ve found a few suggestions looking at various lists online, but thought I’d ask here as well. Are you there god, it's me, margaret
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 17, 2018 12:49:06 GMT -5
My DH quit his job in March because he hated it, and I told him it was okay with the understanding that he would get something else, anything else. I don't care if it is a part time, low paying retail job stocking shelves. I just want him doing something. Fast forward to December and he is still not working. I have given him job lead after job lead since it is MY JOB to find people job leads that are on UI, and there is always something wrong with the job. He wants a unicorn job. Well who doesn't! I am thinking about telling him that if he doesn't have a different job by the end of March (so 1 year after he quit), then he needs to go back, at least for awhile. Is that unreasonable? This has been stressful for me. We have been lucky I have been able to cover all our monthly bills and had enough money for food and stuff. I find myself getting angrier and angrier with him, and I don't like feeling like that. You have probably already talked to him and told him your frustrations. Whats his response? Does he not see the emergency or how its impacting you or how you do not like being the sole earner? I am sorry to say, but looks like some hard conversations are in order? If you haven't already, you MUST tell him how you feel. How the stress is eating you and how much you detest shouldering the entire earning responsibility. If its not something you both agreed upon then he is unfair in putting that burden on you. TELL HIM. One thing that I've learned in so many years is men are unemotional creatures. If you don't tell them they do not realize whats happening, specially when it comes to emotions.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Dec 17, 2018 12:54:28 GMT -5
My DH quit his job in March because he hated it, and I told him it was okay with the understanding that he would get something else, anything else. I don't care if it is a part time, low paying retail job stocking shelves. I just want him doing something. Fast forward to December and he is still not working. I have given him job lead after job lead since it is MY JOB to find people job leads that are on UI, and there is always something wrong with the job. He wants a unicorn job. Well who doesn't! I am thinking about telling him that if he doesn't have a different job by the end of March (so 1 year after he quit), then he needs to go back, at least for awhile. Is that unreasonable? This has been stressful for me. We have been lucky I have been able to cover all our monthly bills and had enough money for food and stuff. I find myself getting angrier and angrier with him, and I don't like feeling like that. You have probably already talked to him and told him your frustrations. Whats his response? Does he not see the emergency or how its impacting you or how you do not like being the sole earner? I am sorry to say, but looks like some hard conversations are in order? If you haven't already, you MUST tell him how you feel. How the stress is eating you and how much you detest shouldering the entire earning responsibility. If its not something you both agreed upon then he is unfair in putting that burden on you. TELL HIM. One thing that I've learned in so many years is men are unemotional creatures. If you don't tell them they do not realize whats happening, specially when it comes to emotions. I'm sorry, not trying to pick a fight but "men are unemotional creatures" is a copout. It's learned cluelessness, and it's bullshit. Men have no problems figuring out how other men feel about stuff (like their boss, or their dad, or their buddy) but when it comes to women and family all of a sudden they just have NO IDEA and HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!?!? Defaulting on responsibility. Sorry, but no. It's not entirely their individual fault, it's wrapped up in broader notions of masculinity and how anger is really the only acceptable emotion to feel, and a whole lot of devaluing of emotional labor as women's work. But men are not unemotional creatures. They just feel free to ignore emotions they find inconvenient because they feel entitled to have someone else fix them.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Dec 17, 2018 13:02:46 GMT -5
You have probably already talked to him and told him your frustrations. Whats his response? Does he not see the emergency or how its impacting you or how you do not like being the sole earner? I am sorry to say, but looks like some hard conversations are in order? If you haven't already, you MUST tell him how you feel. How the stress is eating you and how much you detest shouldering the entire earning responsibility. If its not something you both agreed upon then he is unfair in putting that burden on you. TELL HIM. One thing that I've learned in so many years is men are unemotional creatures. If you don't tell them they do not realize whats happening, specially when it comes to emotions. I'm sorry, not trying to pick a fight but "men are unemotional creatures" is a copout. It's learned cluelessness, and it's bullshit. Men have no problems figuring out how other men feel about stuff (like their boss, or their dad, or their buddy) but when it comes to women and family all of a sudden they just have NO IDEA and HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!?!? Defaulting on responsibility. Sorry, but no. It's not entirely their individual fault, it's wrapped up in broader notions of masculinity and how anger is really the only acceptable emotion to feel, and a whole lot of devaluing of emotional labor as women's work. But men are not unemotional creatures. They just feel free to ignore emotions they find inconvenient because they feel entitled to have someone else fix them. I don't know, sometimes I think they have the right way of it. It would be nice to free myself from the emotional burden of worrying about how everyone else feels unless they sit me down and tell me about it.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 17, 2018 13:04:09 GMT -5
Pants, I am not going to comment on your post. I understand where you are coming from, but sweetie, a lot of it is coming from your experiences with your own husband. You are venting about ALL men when not ALL men are like that. My DH is soooo not like yours, we have an almost 50/50 split when it comes to responsibilities and he is very very involved.
BUT - he isn't, and will never be, as tuned to emotional stuff as I am./ Hence I tell him.
That is all I will say.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Dec 17, 2018 13:04:22 GMT -5
I'm sorry, not trying to pick a fight but "men are unemotional creatures" is a copout. It's learned cluelessness, and it's bullshit. Men have no problems figuring out how other men feel about stuff (like their boss, or their dad, or their buddy) but when it comes to women and family all of a sudden they just have NO IDEA and HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!?!? Defaulting on responsibility. Sorry, but no. It's not entirely their individual fault, it's wrapped up in broader notions of masculinity and how anger is really the only acceptable emotion to feel, and a whole lot of devaluing of emotional labor as women's work. But men are not unemotional creatures. They just feel free to ignore emotions they find inconvenient because they feel entitled to have someone else fix them. I don't know, sometimes I think they have the right way of it. It would be nice to free myself from the emotional burden of worrying about how everyone else feels unless they sit me down and tell me about it. Wouldn't it, though?
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 17, 2018 13:13:25 GMT -5
I'm sorry, not trying to pick a fight but "men are unemotional creatures" is a copout. It's learned cluelessness, and it's bullshit. Men have no problems figuring out how other men feel about stuff (like their boss, or their dad, or their buddy) but when it comes to women and family all of a sudden they just have NO IDEA and HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!?!? Defaulting on responsibility. Sorry, but no. It's not entirely their individual fault, it's wrapped up in broader notions of masculinity and how anger is really the only acceptable emotion to feel, and a whole lot of devaluing of emotional labor as women's work. But men are not unemotional creatures. They just feel free to ignore emotions they find inconvenient because they feel entitled to have someone else fix them. I don't know, sometimes I think they have the right way of it. It would be nice to free myself from the emotional burden of worrying about how everyone else feels unless they sit me down and tell me about it. YES!!! Just freaking tell me what's wrong, because I will DEFINITELY tell you how I feel, lol! Also I don't think men figure out how other men feel about stuff - they just either don't talk about it and no one cares to ask (referring to other men), or when they talk it's in very broad terms. Example: man #1: (grumble grumble grumble) man #2: dude, you're being a dick right now Man #1 will either suck it up and stop grumbling or he'll continue and possibly explain why he is in a bad mood. In the explanation scenario I imagine Man #2 would say something like "I know, right? Bosses are such assholes" or "Women are fucking crazy!" or something else that gives a relatively light-hearted spin on the issue. They both laugh or fist bump or whatever bro-tivity they do, and then go on about their evening (provided this isn't a life crisis or something).
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Dec 17, 2018 13:15:46 GMT -5
Pants, I am not going to comment on your post. I understand where you are coming from, but sweetie, a lot of it is coming from your experiences with your own husband. You are venting about ALL men when not ALL men are like that. My DH is soooo not like yours, we have an almost 50/50 split when it comes to responsibilities and he is very very involved. BUT - he isn't, and will never be, as tuned to emotional stuff as I am./ Hence I tell him. That is all I will say. 1) Sure, but what you're saying is coming from your experiences with your husband, who has decided that he doesn't need to pay attention to your feelings unless you call them out directly. See how that works? 2) My husband is more emotional than I am. One of the family jokes is that when we mixed our DNA he infected me with feelings. 3) I'm actually basing this assertion on a whole bunch of recent feminist thought around emotional labor and male privilege, but ok.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 17, 2018 13:17:30 GMT -5
I'm doing my damndest to teach DS that talking about feelings is normal and encouraged. We want our men to talk and share more, so we should be talking to them more instead of expecting them to just pick up on our feelings and know the problem. Also, I have met some very emotionally closed-off women. My mother, for example. Pretty much her whole family. Only show anger and disappointment, don't actually express happiness and pride. It's something I have to work VERY hard not to fall into in dealing with DS.
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WholeLottaNothin
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Post by WholeLottaNothin on Dec 17, 2018 13:17:56 GMT -5
I've told him. He says he will try harder to find a job. Nothing happens. I told him about the one year thing. He hates that job, doesn't want to go back. He had the ideal schedule when he left (as ideal as you can get with that type of work) and he still wasn't happy. He was horrible to be around that's why I agreed to him quitting in the first place. With his mental health issues, I tread lightly a lot of the time. He didn't make as much as I do but any income would be nice at this point.
The next appointment for an ultrasound that was open isn't until January 14th. So I get to think about it until then. I hope all is well, I really don't think I can take one more thing.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 17, 2018 13:19:59 GMT -5
I've told him. He says he will try harder to find a job. Nothing happens. I told him about the one year thing. He hates that job, doesn't want to go back. He had the ideal schedule when he left (as ideal as you can get with that type of work) and he still wasn't happy. He was horrible to be around that's why I agreed to him quitting in the first place. With his mental health issues, I tread lightly a lot of the time. He didn't make as much as I do but any income would be nice at this point.
The next appointment for an ultrasound that was open isn't until January 14th. So I get to think about it until then. I hope all is well, I really don't think I can take one more thing. I am so sorry. Does he any plan on how this can work for you and him both? This cannot go on indefinitely. Maybe start cutting back on the spending to relay the message.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 17, 2018 13:24:41 GMT -5
I've told him. He says he will try harder to find a job. Nothing happens. I told him about the one year thing. He hates that job, doesn't want to go back. He had the ideal schedule when he left (as ideal as you can get with that type of work) and he still wasn't happy. He was horrible to be around that's why I agreed to him quitting in the first place. With his mental health issues, I tread lightly a lot of the time. He didn't make as much as I do but any income would be nice at this point.
The next appointment for an ultrasound that was open isn't until January 14th. So I get to think about it until then. I hope all is well, I really don't think I can take one more thing. I am so sorry. Does he any plan on how this can work for you and him both? This cannot go on indefinitely. Maybe start cutting back on the spending to relay the message. I'd be going all Jetsons on him - confiscate all CCs and money and put him on an allowance. Expect the house to be kept up and kids cared for. And dinner too!
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 17, 2018 13:29:02 GMT -5
I am so sorry. Does he any plan on how this can work for you and him both? This cannot go on indefinitely. Maybe start cutting back on the spending to relay the message. I'd be going all Jetsons on him - confiscate all CCs and money and put him on an allowance. Expect the house to be kept up and kids cared for. And dinner too! I would totally do the money related things, because those she can enforce. The household expectations though.....unless she is ready to scream and bitch constantly I don't know how she will enforce. But WholeLottaNothin, you control the purse strings now. I don't want to give you wrong ideas to start a WWIII in your home, but somethings gotta give. And money pinches are the most easily felt by most people.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 17, 2018 14:02:46 GMT -5
I'm going to have to.agree with Pants. You have your head way high up your ass if you can't figure out that you quitting your job with no back up and expecting your wife to deal with it is going to cause major marital disharmony.
When I do that I'm insensitive. When he does it he is a typical man. WTF?
Now I know Nuttins husband has a mental illness. I've been discovering myself lately just how miswired people can be. It can be a tough road to get them to understand.
That being said we are all adults and have lived long enough in society that we can figure it out if we try without having to be walked thru it like a 2 year old.
They need to be held accountable in spite of their issues. Otherwise it just becomes a shield wrapped in a nice toxic masculinity bow.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 17, 2018 14:49:47 GMT -5
I don't think he hasn't figured it out. My guess is that either he is so wrapped up in his own issues that it's on the back burner, or he knows it's a problem and is burying his head in the sand until he's forced to deal with it. I'm not saying either of those things are good excuses. I'm just saying what might be going on in his head. And that is not a strictly male response either.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 17, 2018 14:55:34 GMT -5
and the only thing we can do about "toxic masculinity" is: -teach our boys that communication about feelings is key -do the very best with the grown men to get them to discuss their feelings as well as be more open with communication overall -make sure we are teaching AND displaying empathy and understanding to males AND females I feel like it's going to be really hard to raise a boy that can be proud of being a boy in this age. But he won't have the white privilege so I guess that evens the score...?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 17, 2018 14:56:58 GMT -5
No it's not exclusive to males. However men tend to be excused and forgiven because "that's how men are wired"
In reality science has proven we aren't wired different at all. You crack open our heads and all humans have pretty much the same brain
All the bull about women being wired to be empathetic and caring while men can't tell a feeling from an elbow is all societally engineered and is held up by "science" done by Victorian quacks who had a vested interest in making women out to be less logical and therefore weaker creatures.
We need to stop telling men being oblivious is acceptable because they have a penis. If I'm a self centered bitch then he's a self centered ahole in the same context.
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raeoflyte
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Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
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Post by raeoflyte on Dec 17, 2018 14:59:23 GMT -5
Dh and I had a good weekend. He's been sick so was sent home early on Friday night and they told him to stay home Saturday and just be on call. The extra sleep from Friday really must have done it because we had practically a normal, nice weekend. Started making me wonder if I should have him quit all together. I discussed with him that he needs to get back to a real swing shift or days instead of this early overnight shift he's doing now. Or maybe he goes self employed and pieces together relief work. None of which are really ideal since more income would really be better, but if we could get on even footing and like each other and move forward it would be cheaper than divorce. Hard to test out though.
This morning though it's the same old story. He even said last night as I was going to bed that he'd try to put lunches together. That didn't happen. His alarm started going off at 6, but that means nothing. I honestly don't want to talk to him until he's out of bed, and yes that is bitchy of me, but I don't care if you're awake, or when you went to sleep, or even how you're feeling at that point. I care about what you're doing and you're doing nothing so I have to focus on what I can do. I got the kids up, made a hot breakfast, packed lunches, packed backpacks, coats on, critters taken care of, etc. E was having a morning meltdown and dh did get up earlier than usual...7ish and helped her get dressed, and then we had to do an emergency pump change for C which he handled so he was more engaged than most mornings. He didn't yell, but he's managed to turn not yelling into passive aggressive jabs, even at the kids. He'd say I'm overly sensitive and I'd just say he's a jackass. With no one else to moderate it's hard to say who's more right. I don't know how much to nitpick his interactions with the kids. I am not perfect. I yell and get upset and make mistakes. I know dh is trying too, but not enough for me I guess. During E's meltdown this morning C kept trying to intervene and then got mad at me. He said that he felt like dad, that he has to yell at E because I don't. I asked him if being yelled at ever made him feel better, or feel more connected, or want to try harder. That yelling is the easy answer, but not usually the right one. He seemed to get it. But that's the stuff that I hate that is becoming so normal for him and both kids.
Working from home I think is what has made things so much worse. He's complained all weekend about how busy he'll be at school today. That he over committed on volunteering and Monday is going to be so awful. But after our less than stellar morning, I take a break to run upstairs and finish dishes since I didn't get them done earlier and he's fucking napping in the recliner. At 10am. He left the house at 10:45, has to go to the bank and then I'm sure will work really hard at the school for 3 1/2 hours. Oh, the horror! The house is a disaster. I'm not asking him to clean up my crafting, but dishes, laundry, making beds, or even just recycling the tp holders would take something off my plate. If I didn't work at home though, I wouldn't see that to be mad and that's the mad that tips me over the edge with everything else. I'd just know that he had a crazy busy volunteer day at the school and "didn't have time" to do anything at home.
I'm sure we're at the point of needing counseling. I will try to bring that up next week. The therapist he likes is an hour a way, and that isn't going to happen. It needs to be someone we can see in town, when the kids already have daycare, so during the work day. I need to look for a group for care givers to people with chronic pain.
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MJ2.0
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Joined: Jul 24, 2014 10:27:09 GMT -5
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Post by MJ2.0 on Dec 17, 2018 15:06:23 GMT -5
No it's not exclusive to males. However men tend to be excused and forgiven because "that's how men are wired" In reality science has proven we aren't wired different at all. You crack open our heads and all humans have pretty much the same brain All the bull about women being wired to be empathetic and caring while men can't tell a feeling from an elbow is all societally engineered and is held up by "science" done by Victorian quacks who had a vested interest in making women out to be less logical and therefore weaker creatures. We need to stop telling men being oblivious is acceptable because they have a penis. If I'm a self centered bitch then he's a self centered ahole in the same context. I don't know who is telling men that being oblivious is acceptable. I sure haven't been. I would straight up tell X that this and that needed to be done/cleaned. I would tell him that I wasn't happy with our relationship. Of course he had his own mental issues at the time (which he is getting help for now).
I'm actually starting to think it's something to do with undiagnosed ADHD and the way that those affected grow into adults. Undiagnosed ADD/ADHD manifests into anxiety and depression - that explains X, he definitely had it and was never treated. It seems the prevalence of ADHD is higher in males. That would explain a lot of the avoiding and aloofness I see in males.... again, these are thoughts, not excuses.
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Pants
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
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Post by Pants on Dec 17, 2018 15:20:32 GMT -5
Dh and I had a good weekend. He's been sick so was sent home early on Friday night and they told him to stay home Saturday and just be on call. The extra sleep from Friday really must have done it because we had practically a normal, nice weekend. Started making me wonder if I should have him quit all together. I discussed with him that he needs to get back to a real swing shift or days instead of this early overnight shift he's doing now. Or maybe he goes self employed and pieces together relief work. None of which are really ideal since more income would really be better, but if we could get on even footing and like each other and move forward it would be cheaper than divorce. Hard to test out though. This morning though it's the same old story. He even said last night as I was going to bed that he'd try to put lunches together. That didn't happen. His alarm started going off at 6, but that means nothing. I honestly don't want to talk to him until he's out of bed, and yes that is bitchy of me, but I don't care if you're awake, or when you went to sleep, or even how you're feeling at that point. I care about what you're doing and you're doing nothing so I have to focus on what I can do. I got the kids up, made a hot breakfast, packed lunches, packed backpacks, coats on, critters taken care of, etc. E was having a morning meltdown and dh did get up earlier than usual...7ish and helped her get dressed, and then we had to do an emergency pump change for C which he handled so he was more engaged than most mornings. He didn't yell, but he's managed to turn not yelling into passive aggressive jabs, even at the kids. He'd say I'm overly sensitive and I'd just say he's a jackass. With no one else to moderate it's hard to say who's more right. I don't know how much to nitpick his interactions with the kids. I am not perfect. I yell and get upset and make mistakes. I know dh is trying too, but not enough for me I guess. During E's meltdown this morning C kept trying to intervene and then got mad at me. He said that he felt like dad, that he has to yell at E because I don't. I asked him if being yelled at ever made him feel better, or feel more connected, or want to try harder. That yelling is the easy answer, but not usually the right one. He seemed to get it. But that's the stuff that I hate that is becoming so normal for him and both kids. Working from home I think is what has made things so much worse. He's complained all weekend about how busy he'll be at school today. That he over committed on volunteering and Monday is going to be so awful. But after our less than stellar morning, I take a break to run upstairs and finish dishes since I didn't get them done earlier and he's fucking napping in the recliner. At 10am. He left the house at 10:45, has to go to the bank and then I'm sure will work really hard at the school for 3 1/2 hours. Oh, the horror! The house is a disaster. I'm not asking him to clean up my crafting, but dishes, laundry, making beds, or even just recycling the tp holders would take something off my plate. If I didn't work at home though, I wouldn't see that to be mad and that's the mad that tips me over the edge with everything else. I'd just know that he had a crazy busy volunteer day at the school and "didn't have time" to do anything at home. I'm sure we're at the point of needing counseling. I will try to bring that up next week. The therapist he likes is an hour a way, and that isn't going to happen. It needs to be someone we can see in town, when the kids already have daycare, so during the work day. I need to look for a group for care givers to people with chronic pain. I'm sorry rae. This sucks. The seeing him sit around thing - I liken it to when the kids were babies and i'd be feeding them overnight and DH would just be snoring away WITH HIS STUPID USELESS BOOBS. If he was at work (he occasionally worked overnights) I had no problem, but to watch someone else relaxing when you don't get that same opportunity is like nails on the chalkboard of the soul. It sucks sucks sucks. If he stays home, do you think he will use that time to do things around the house? Is that what happened when he took LOA before? Because the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
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