NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 23, 2018 6:35:25 GMT -5
I know y marriage is about as far from perfect as you can get short of being Trump and Melania. But I wouldn't have married him if he brought nothing to the table. I've known he's an addict since day one. Can't say I fully realized what I was signing up for but he's never lied to me about it. I don't think any of us really understand what it means living with an addict until we deal with a relapse. The addiction is an explanation, not an excuse. I also get not really dealing with it. It's easy just to not. My husband has been sober, now, for 18 months or so since his relapse. I focus on school, on the kids, and on work so much so that I do forget to process the feelings that I'm disposable. The kids are disposable. That I'm really not important to my husband. That I'm not sure he's capable of having his addiction take a back seat to me.
Of course, DH says it's not true, blah blah blah.
But. Whether or not he admits to it. It is the truth. As ugly and painful as it is.
And of course, my husband is not exclusively his addiction. He's many things. He brings lots of good things to the table. We run our family like rock stars. But, just because we can run our family well and we are compatible...that doesn't erase DH's choices.
The rub, of course is that...I'm not disposable. I deserve to surround myself with people who not only think that, but also BEHAVE like it. Whether it's friends or family. I'm not even talking about any other romantic partners. I deserve to be valued.
I do struggle with the damage I will inflict on the kids if I divorce. Is it worth raising them in abject poverty now. No. But, they will grow up and move on with their own lives, as they should.
And I do think as adults, if I came to them and said "Would you stay with a partner that will never have you as their first love in your relationship and they said "Well, of course not." They'd begin to understand. Or if I said "Would you stay in a relationship if someone repeatedly showed you are disposable?" I'm betting my kids would say no. They may not be uber smart. But, they have a good sense of what's right and what's not. No matter where my husband is..with his recovery or lack there of..I'm not obligated to stay.
I plan on being honest with the girls and strongly encouraging them to not get within 10 feet of an addict I don't care how long they may have been sober. I love DH very much and I love the girls. But if I could go back in time knowing what I know now I'm not sure I would make the same choices.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 23, 2018 6:54:25 GMT -5
And in other cheery news my blood pressure was stupid high at the doctor. You know it's bad when they suggest quitting.
Explains a lot. I'm normally 120/80 or even lower but this time it was 30 pts higher.
I'm going to have my dad take it this weekend and see what it is away from work and the gyno. On a Saturday because my BP starts going back up on Sunday in anticipation of Monday.
She wanted to check it again but after the ordeal of getting my BC in she decided against it because my numbers by that point were likely even worse.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 23, 2018 6:54:54 GMT -5
NomoreDramaQ1015 and giramomma and anyone else dealing with addiction in their family: I was listening to an NPR show featuring a father of an addict son, both of whom had written memoirs about getting the son through to his current sobriety. The father also wrote a book about the science behind addiction and effective treatment. A big part of real recovery, according to him, is the real need for psychiatric help for the addict. Addictions don't originate out of the blue and relapsing is common. Until the foundational issue is addressed the addict will continue to be drawn to repeat the pattern. For thought. DH had worked with a therapist the first time around. 3 or so years. Chose not to use a 12 step group. What neither DH and I understood is that he really failed to accept that he was an addict. My boundaries were clear, relapse and lie about it, and we're done. My husband KNEW that. I was very clear I had no bandwidth to do this again 9 years ago.
I did expect slips, or a relapse. I told DH that 8/9 years ago.. I told DH all he had to do was say "I need to work my recovery. I need space. I'm not doing good." Anything that might convey he was going that rabbit hole. He knew that I would take extra on so that he could work his recovery. And he relapsed. And chose to hide it from me for 3ish years. When my gut was telling me something was off, once again he looked into my eyes and lied. He chose to protect the addiction. He knew what would happen. He's often reflected he thought he'd be kicked out of the house by last summer, actually. And he would have, save for Miss M.
So. Now DH has accepted he's an addict and he's doing the 12 step thing.
The first go-around. I could excuse. The second go around. He knew exactly what his choices would do to me mentally and emotionally. He knew that I would not embrace being lied to again. Yet he chose to long-term, behave in such a way that he knew could result in us being divorced. He prioritized his addiction over everything else. Despite the therapy. Despite the support. Despite everything. Despite knowing his behavior would lead to divorce, him living in a shitty hovel, and having half time access to his kids. The pleasure of getting high was more important than us.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I'm not sure I'm willing to wait around for that magic point when DH decides we're all worth it. Isn't 10 years enough to decide that?
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Oct 23, 2018 7:19:18 GMT -5
NomoreDramaQ1015 and giramomma I have no words of wisdom to offer. What you're both experiencing with your husbands' addictions is just awful. I wish you both peace and hope you find comfort in knowing that no matter what happens in your marriages, you have both tried your very best to help. There's nothing more you can do.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Oct 23, 2018 7:39:23 GMT -5
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Oct 23, 2018 8:02:38 GMT -5
NomoreDramaQ1015 and giramomma I have no words of wisdom to offer. What you're both experiencing with your husbands' addictions is just awful. I wish you both peace and hope you find comfort in knowing that no matter what happens in your marriages, you have both tried your very best to help. There's nothing more you can do. Ditto this. Hugs, ladies.
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Oct 23, 2018 8:23:34 GMT -5
Good news on the tooth front for M - she managed to tear tissue in her lip and her gum above her front tooth, but the tooth isn’t loose and all will heal. They did warn that if the tooth starts to discolor down the road (which apparently could be months later) to bring her back in, but for now, all looks good.
Her mouth bled easily when the dentist touched the spot on the gum, and he said it may take a bit to heal as it’s an area that she can easily aggravate with eating or messing with it.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 23, 2018 14:45:25 GMT -5
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 23, 2018 15:06:34 GMT -5
I don't feel great, still a little queasy and crampy from yesterday. I got the last two right after I had the kids so I was already feeling about as bad as you can get down there so I didn't notice how much was the mirena. I should be fine there in a couple days. I need to have my dad take my BP (he does my mom's) to see what it is tomorrow away from work. If he can teach me then I can do it after I get home and see what it is during the week to see if there is an actual issue or if it was a cuff problem (they aren't really made for arms my size). DH and I are in a "better" place. EAP has not called me back which pisses me off I have to do that in a bit.
I still got a lot to think about in that department. Gira is right that I wrestle with the fact that I will never truly be first in our marriage. Then again I know people who have it a lot worse. He did stop taking pain pills, stopped seeing Dr. Quack, had a CTJ talk with his mother (which I thought would never happen in a million years) and had his new doctor put into his electronic records he is an addict and to not prescribe pills. I know it's there because I have access, which I need regardless. Whether or not a doctor actually bothers to read the information is another story but the fact he actually had that put into his records knowing it makes it impossible to doctor shop was a huge step. I want the kratom gone. That is just as much my fault as it is his. We fell for the hype going around taht it is a "miracle" cure for opioid addiction and for a split second there I forgot my mantra about "all natural" treatments. I had no idea that the reason it is a supposed miracle cure is because it stimulates the same receptors, which leads to addiction to kratom. There are people out there spending over a grand a month on this stuff. I wrestle with pot. It really does help with his arthritis. If I have to make a deal with the devil I'd much rather he smoke $120 in pot than be taking Humira which costs $2k a month and comes with absolutely horrid side effects. Otezla worked but while it doesn't come with the side effects of Humira it still has a really bad one. . you shit your brains out constantly. He couldn't work and take it because he'd be rushing to the bathroom every 20 minutes. I spent on online forums where people said they had to stop taking it for the same reason. Things like anti-diareheals helped for awhile but then you develop problems because you take too many of those. And he did tell me he spent the $120. He should have asked BEFORE spending it but that is miles ahead of where we were 10 years ago when I'd come home and find we over drafted because spent all the bill money. Low bar I know. Still we have a history and we have kids now. It's not as simple as "see ya" which I know is what a lot of people would like to see me do. If he brought nothing but problems to the table I certainly would have by now. We are in crisis mode, we both agree on that. These are problems we can't fix by ourselves and I recogize I've been sweeping it under the rug more than I care to admit. Dealing with this shit job has brought everything bubbling back up to the surface. If we're going to make it another 10 years then we have to actually deal with it all.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 23, 2018 15:22:52 GMT -5
Hugs drama.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 23, 2018 15:31:36 GMT -5
Got an appointment. Online didn't work because they only have early morning and late afternoon.. If I still worked normal hours Dh and I could have figured out how to make one work but my schedule doesn't allow for it. It's not till November 17th but it's something. I've looked at other places but they don't have weekend/evening hours. Plus when I read their web site it appears the majority deal with court mandated child/family/marital counseling. We certainly have our problems but we're not in the "do this or go to jail/lost your kids" department. I am hesitant to try one of them because you know the saying "if all you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail". Plus they were all pretty booked solid since those cases clearly get priority. Man getting help is freaking tough. Hopefully DH will have better luck with addiction counseling. I am not impressed with the work she's done with my brother (course that is likely more him than her) but I am going to ask mom for her card and see if she is in our network. That is another option.
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on Oct 23, 2018 21:52:08 GMT -5
Low bar I know. Still we have a history and we have kids now. It's not as simple as "see ya" which I know is what a lot of people would like to see me do. If he brought nothing but problems to the table I certainly would have by now. If you're referring to people on this thread, maybe there are some who think this. But it's not easy when you've got a history and kids. Usually with kids, you're never really done with an ex. Mostly, what I think people on this thread would like to see is for you to get to a more peaceful place.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 24, 2018 3:43:32 GMT -5
I played second fiddle to an alcoholic who became a drug abuser. Never again will I be anything but number one in someone’s life. It seriously messed with my kids too by the time I finally had enough. I tolerated that bs for way too long for the sake of the “family “ he cared nothing about.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 24, 2018 7:45:01 GMT -5
Got an appointment. Online didn't work because they only have early morning and late afternoon.. If I still worked normal hours Dh and I could have figured out how to make one work but my schedule doesn't allow for it. It's not till November 17th but it's something. I've looked at other places but they don't have weekend/evening hours. Plus when I read their web site it appears the majority deal with court mandated child/family/marital counseling. We certainly have our problems but we're not in the "do this or go to jail/lost your kids" department. I am hesitant to try one of them because you know the saying "if all you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail". Plus they were all pretty booked solid since those cases clearly get priority. Man getting help is freaking tough. Hopefully DH will have better luck with addiction counseling. I am not impressed with the work she's done with my brother (course that is likely more him than her) but I am going to ask mom for her card and see if she is in our network. That is another option.
Why isn't HE asking your mother or brother for the damn business card?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 24, 2018 8:20:31 GMT -5
Got an appointment. Online didn't work because they only have early morning and late afternoon.. If I still worked normal hours Dh and I could have figured out how to make one work but my schedule doesn't allow for it. It's not till November 17th but it's something. I've looked at other places but they don't have weekend/evening hours. Plus when I read their web site it appears the majority deal with court mandated child/family/marital counseling. We certainly have our problems but we're not in the "do this or go to jail/lost your kids" department. I am hesitant to try one of them because you know the saying "if all you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail". Plus they were all pretty booked solid since those cases clearly get priority. Man getting help is freaking tough. Hopefully DH will have better luck with addiction counseling. I am not impressed with the work she's done with my brother (course that is likely more him than her) but I am going to ask mom for her card and see if she is in our network. That is another option.
Why isn't HE asking your mother or brother for the damn business card? Cause I'm already over there at 2 picking up Abby. That's not really a hill I find worth dying over.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Oct 24, 2018 8:30:22 GMT -5
Ok.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 24, 2018 10:22:10 GMT -5
E was sent home from school not 30 minutes in yesterday. Really just a bad cough, but if it starts up when she's eating, then she throws up. She acted normal at lunch time, but was running a fever again. Dh didn't think taking her in was worthwhile--and I get it, it didn't seem to be flu or strep or a sinus infection...just a cold that keeps coming back. Last night she fell asleep hard at 8pm, things seemed good and then at nine she was coughing uncontrollably, sobbing, flailing, and not communicative. I sat with her, tried to get her to try a popsicle, steamed up the bathroom and sat with her in there and nothing worked so after 30 minutes of insanity I took her to urgent care where she acted completely normal once we were in the doors. Diagnosis...post nasal drip. We didn't leave there till midnight.
She wants to go to school today and I think it would be a good idea. First 2 temperature readings still gave a low grade fever, but then she read normal.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Oct 24, 2018 10:28:12 GMT -5
Rae, I hope she starts feeling better.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 24, 2018 10:42:04 GMT -5
Rae, I hope she starts feeling better. Thanks. She's showered and off to school just 45 minutes late. Says she feels pretty good. I gave her some cough medicine, so hopefully she can get through the day without any fits.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Oct 24, 2018 11:27:20 GMT -5
Wondering how to broach the subject of my kid skipping a grade next year with the school. I feel like he's good staying in kindergarten, because it's more fun and he does need to work on writing. Plus, I feel like the soft skills they work on in K is stuff he really needs, like getting along with others, being patient with himself/others, and making friends. But, 1 1/2 months in, he's reading at a solidly 1st grade, maybe even 2nd grade level, when I barely worked with him on reading at all. He's picking up a little multiplication, and apparently can subtract 20 from 64, stuff like that. Meanwhile, his teacher is informing me he can do addition for 5's. I know that--he's way beyond that! I'm afraid that, if he continues to be so far ahead of the others, he's going to be bored and disruptive next year when the classroom is much more academically focused.
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justme
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Post by justme on Oct 24, 2018 11:36:16 GMT -5
Wondering how to broach the subject of my kid skipping a grade next year with the school. I feel like he's good staying in kindergarten, because it's more fun and he does need to work on writing. Plus, I feel like the soft skills they work on in K is stuff he really needs, like getting along with others, being patient with himself/others, and making friends. But, 1 1/2 months in, he's reading at a solidly 1st grade, maybe even 2nd grade level, when I barely worked with him on reading at all. He's picking up a little multiplication, and apparently can subtract 20 from 64, stuff like that. Meanwhile, his teacher is informing me he can do addition for 5's. I know that--he's way beyond that! I'm afraid that, if he continues to be so far ahead of the others, he's going to be bored and disruptive next year when the classroom is much more academically focused. Does the school have a gifted program? That's what they threw me in instead of skipping a grade.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Oct 24, 2018 11:41:03 GMT -5
Wondering how to broach the subject of my kid skipping a grade next year with the school. I feel like he's good staying in kindergarten, because it's more fun and he does need to work on writing. Plus, I feel like the soft skills they work on in K is stuff he really needs, like getting along with others, being patient with himself/others, and making friends. But, 1 1/2 months in, he's reading at a solidly 1st grade, maybe even 2nd grade level, when I barely worked with him on reading at all. He's picking up a little multiplication, and apparently can subtract 20 from 64, stuff like that. Meanwhile, his teacher is informing me he can do addition for 5's. I know that--he's way beyond that! I'm afraid that, if he continues to be so far ahead of the others, he's going to be bored and disruptive next year when the classroom is much more academically focused. How old is he? Was he close to the cut-off date for going to school a year earlier?
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Oct 24, 2018 11:42:17 GMT -5
Wondering how to broach the subject of my kid skipping a grade next year with the school. I feel like he's good staying in kindergarten, because it's more fun and he does need to work on writing. Plus, I feel like the soft skills they work on in K is stuff he really needs, like getting along with others, being patient with himself/others, and making friends. But, 1 1/2 months in, he's reading at a solidly 1st grade, maybe even 2nd grade level, when I barely worked with him on reading at all. He's picking up a little multiplication, and apparently can subtract 20 from 64, stuff like that. Meanwhile, his teacher is informing me he can do addition for 5's. I know that--he's way beyond that! I'm afraid that, if he continues to be so far ahead of the others, he's going to be bored and disruptive next year when the classroom is much more academically focused. Does the school have a gifted program? That's what they threw me in instead of skipping a grade. No, they don't. The teacher mentioned that they're working on getting a parapro to work with a few of the more advanced readers from each of the kindergarten classes. She didn't mention anything about math, though.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Oct 24, 2018 11:43:07 GMT -5
Wondering how to broach the subject of my kid skipping a grade next year with the school. I feel like he's good staying in kindergarten, because it's more fun and he does need to work on writing. Plus, I feel like the soft skills they work on in K is stuff he really needs, like getting along with others, being patient with himself/others, and making friends. But, 1 1/2 months in, he's reading at a solidly 1st grade, maybe even 2nd grade level, when I barely worked with him on reading at all. He's picking up a little multiplication, and apparently can subtract 20 from 64, stuff like that. Meanwhile, his teacher is informing me he can do addition for 5's. I know that--he's way beyond that! I'm afraid that, if he continues to be so far ahead of the others, he's going to be bored and disruptive next year when the classroom is much more academically focused. How old is he? Was he close to the cut-off date for going to school a year earlier? He just turned 6, and missed the cutoff by 1 month.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Oct 24, 2018 11:54:38 GMT -5
Lizard Queen I'd talk to the school and ask what they recommend. How are his social skills? My youngest daughter was born on September 1st, the cut-off date. She is the absolute youngest in her grade. She definitely was at the lower-range of social skills in PreK and K and I would never have contemplated skipping a grade (also, there was no academic reason for her to move up anyway ). But, your son is at the opposite end, being one of the oldest in his grade so he might be socially on par with the 1st graders or close enough that it doesn't really matter. I understand that you're concerned about him becoming bored but don't underestimate the impact of having social skills that are noticeably less well developed than his classmates. That can make things very difficult.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 24, 2018 12:06:05 GMT -5
I'm not sure on skipping a grade, but C goes up a grade level for math. At the beginning of 1st grade they gave all the kids the end of year 1st grade math test. C and 2 other kids already knew that info so they go up a grade for math. Another student joined them this year. In 5th grade, one of the teachers will do 6th grade math with those students. Emotional maturity has always been an issue, so this is a good fit for us. He gets a preview of what expectations are coming, isn't held behind academically, and gets homeroom and specials with kids at his emotional level. He continued to test well so GT is now giving him more work and higher testing expectations. They pull kids out for individual and small group reading according to level starting in kindergarten at our school. Maybe because the student base is so broad with some kids never speaking english before they start school that they've tweaked the system so that everyone is working on their own level. They don't do standardized testing until 3rd, but here they take I-ready tests throughout the year to test where they're at in reading and math. It doesn't determine everything but we haven't had any issues with the teachers not knowing where the kids are at.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Oct 24, 2018 12:06:08 GMT -5
Lizard Queen I'd talk to the school and ask what they recommend. How are his social skills? My youngest daughter was born on September 1st, the cut-off date. She is the absolute youngest in her grade. She definitely was at the lower-range of social skills in PreK and K and I would never have contemplated skipping a grade (also, there was no academic reason for her to move up anyway ). But, your son is at the opposite end, being one of the oldest in his grade so he might be socially on par with the 1st graders or close enough that it doesn't really matter. I understand that you're concerned about him becoming bored but don't underestimate the impact of having social skills that are noticeably less well developed than his classmates. That can make things very difficult. They aren't the best. Sometimes, he's kind of shy and clingy. Yet, he hangs out with all kinds of older kids, and seems to prefer them. I think that's how he picked up math--by playing pokemon with them. (I may be wrong, as I'm not sure how to play. There's numbers on cards that determine things, I think.) He's stubborn, independent, sometimes aggressive and dismissive. His teacher says his behavior in school is good. I guess the boys in class worked on establishing a hierarchy at the beginning of the year, but that has been squelched. Anyway, I definitely believe he belongs in kindergarten this year because of these things. Next year, when they focus a lot more on math and reading, he's going to be bored silly.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on Oct 24, 2018 12:37:50 GMT -5
Lizard Queen, I would definitely talk to school and find out what they can do. Moving him up for some subjects is a good start. My youngest has sept 13 birthday. We actually started him in private school so he could start early. He was already reading at 2nd grade level at start of K5 even though he was not yet 5. He was advanced in math also. The school did a great job of keeping him challenged. Being youngest in his class was really good for him, except when it came time to get a Driver license. As he went through school a lot of other students caught up with him. He just started out so fast. He graduated high school top 10% even though he was the youngest.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Oct 24, 2018 12:40:13 GMT -5
So, I've lost my mind (in more ways than one). DH is refusing to consider a more fuel efficient car when get replaces his here shortly. And he won't drive the "family" car either. So I went looking and the Pacifica Hybrid would give me the minivan that I want + the EV car that I could get cool perks from work on (including rockstar parking and free charging everyday). I contacted the dealer we last bought our car from to see if he could work with me on another brand or if he had a place to recommend me to. Screw it. I am going to get the car *I* want.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 24, 2018 12:41:40 GMT -5
Lizard Queen I'd talk to the school and ask what they recommend. How are his social skills? My youngest daughter was born on September 1st, the cut-off date. She is the absolute youngest in her grade. She definitely was at the lower-range of social skills in PreK and K and I would never have contemplated skipping a grade (also, there was no academic reason for her to move up anyway ). But, your son is at the opposite end, being one of the oldest in his grade so he might be socially on par with the 1st graders or close enough that it doesn't really matter. I understand that you're concerned about him becoming bored but don't underestimate the impact of having social skills that are noticeably less well developed than his classmates. That can make things very difficult. They aren't the best. Sometimes, he's kind of shy and clingy. Yet, he hangs out with all kinds of older kids, and seems to prefer them. I think that's how he picked up math--by playing pokemon with them. (I may be wrong, as I'm not sure how to play. There's numbers on cards that determine things, I think.) He's stubborn, independent, sometimes aggressive and dismissive. His teacher says his behavior in school is good. I guess the boys in class worked on establishing a hierarchy at the beginning of the year, but that has been squelched. Anyway, I definitely believe he belongs in kindergarten this year because of these things. Next year, when they focus a lot more on math and reading, he's going to be bored silly. Maybe, maybe not. B is apparently reading at the next grade level, and she and I have just started talking linear algebra this last week, and we haven't heard anything negative from her about the academic portion of school. We don't have our first parent/teacher meeting until next month, we'll see what the teacher says. I know they are a lot more careful now about skipping grades than they were when we were kids because the social consequences were often problematic. Then everything went the other way with red-shirting.
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