The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[Pants]

Oct 2, 2018 19:50:53 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

I'm intrigued by this 54321 concept that you've come up with. It sounds straightforward enough that it could possibly work for me. I get that 5 is little things, and 1 is one big thing, but what's the middle?

Just progressively bigger things in decreasing numbers. So, 5 is like, pick up a shoe and put it by the door. 4 is dust a room, put away 4 books, take a couple boxes out to garbage. Etc. It's really about time investment/effort in my head. (Time adjusted for age as necessary.)
5=30 seconds or less per thing.
4= 1-2 min
3=5 min
2=10 min
1=20 min or more

Do several small things and a couple big things and feel like you got somewhere in a day. And then maybe our weekends will be less torturous and our house will look less awful all the time? (Results TBD on both those things.)

What has been helpful is being able to use it anywhere we are. You can get your 5s picking up your shoes or taking a piece of trash from the car to the trash can. And it's helped me be like "it will take 30 seconds to find 4 catalogs from the mail pile to put in the trash and eventually i will have a manageable mail pile."

[Pants]

Oct 2, 2018 21:03:15 GMT -5 tcu2003 said:

On a different note, cancer sucks. C has been in swim lessons with a little boy “Q” since we moved her 4+ years ago, and the two boys are good friends. We just found out tonight that Q has leukemia. I don’t even know what to say or do, and we have to figure out a way to tell C as Q won’t be at swimming lessons anytime soon. They live over in Sam’s area, so we only see them at swim, birthdays, etc.

I wasn’t there tonight, so I know what mom/dad told DH. I’m going to reach out to Q’s mom and see what we can do to help. I’m thinking good/restaurant GCs, and then something for Q and his little brother (he’ll be 3 in January). Q is 6/in first grade. Any suggestions?

Mutt asked a similar question a few weeks ago and there were a ton of good suggestions. If you can't find it I'm happy to chime in with more tomorrow.

[tcu2003]

Oct 2, 2018 21:14:43 GMT -5 Pants said:

Oct 2, 2018 21:03:15 GMT -5 tcu2003 said:

On a different note, cancer sucks. C has been in swim lessons with a little boy “Q” since we moved her 4+ years ago, and the two boys are good friends. We just found out tonight that Q has leukemia. I don’t even know what to say or do, and we have to figure out a way to tell C as Q won’t be at swimming lessons anytime soon. They live over in Sam’s area, so we only see them at swim, birthdays, etc.

I wasn’t there tonight, so I know what mom/dad told DH. I’m going to reach out to Q’s mom and see what we can do to help. I’m thinking good/restaurant GCs, and then something for Q and his little brother (he’ll be 3 in January). Q is 6/in first grade. Any suggestions?

Mutt asked a similar question a few weeks ago and there were a ton of good suggestions. If you can't find it I'm happy to chime in with more tomorrow.

Found it - thanks!

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Oct 2, 2018 16:22:49 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

F*ck me.   How teh hell am I making more money yet I over drafted our account TWICE and it's only the second week of October?   I know I am not the only guilty party in this scenario but damn.   So all that stress and shit doesn't have us in any better position than we were, in fact we're in a WORSE position due to my lack of attention and diligence.

No my husband cannot do the budget, if you've read anything on these boards over the years you know why I am the one that has to be in charge of our finances.   It's something I have had to accept as part of the marriage.

You need to take a day off. Seriously. It's the only way you're going to re-coup from the stress. A day off without kids or your husband and a reasonable list of tasks to take care of. 

Which I probably haven't done / wouldn't be able to when it's me in that level of stress, but I can say it from way over here. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Oct 2, 2018 21:03:15 GMT -5 tcu2003 said:

On a different note, cancer sucks. C has been in swim lessons with a little boy “Q” since we moved her 4+ years ago, and the two boys are good friends. We just found out tonight that Q has leukemia. I don’t even know what to say or do, and we have to figure out a way to tell C as Q won’t be at swimming lessons anytime soon. They live over in Sam’s area, so we only see them at swim, birthdays, etc.

I wasn’t there tonight, so I know what mom/dad told DH. I’m going to reach out to Q’s mom and see what we can do to help. I’m thinking good/restaurant GCs, and then something for Q and his little brother (he’ll be 3 in January). Q is 6/in first grade. Any suggestions?

If you go with restaurant gift cards, I would pick a place that delivers or has an easy take-out process. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I guess DH was venting to my parents and I don't know exactly what they said but he did a complete 180 on my situation.

He's been pretty upset with me that I can't suck it up and plan on giving up such a high salary. It's been causing major issues between us because as you all know he has quit on much less.

Whatever they said put him in his place. So thanks mom and dad!

[zibazinski]

I hope they told him plenty. I know if I were your parents I would have. What was he thinking?

[zibazinski]

Oct 2, 2018 11:51:11 GMT -5 swamp said:

Oct 2, 2018 11:19:45 GMT -5 Pants said:

Based on the reading I've done on the subject, the term in conservative christian circles is "Keep sweet" - the expectation of women's behavior at all times, and especially publicly. 

In christian circles, I think the pressure is even greater, but general American culture wants women to pipe down and make everyone happy.   Don't make a scene was what I heard all the time growing up.  I've since realized that sometimes, I have to make a scene.  Or at least leave the scene.  

Yes because it’s okay if the man is cheating, drinking, and various other things to damage a relationship, but if you don’t tolerate it, you’re the bad one. Been there and it does end eventually. No one wants to be the bad one that finally says enough so you end up with this. 😢

[zibazinski]

Oct 2, 2018 15:32:16 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Sam_2.0  


The picture of you crying made me shed tears with you.  I was on the verge of tears and the photo did it.  I needed to cry.

I'm sorry life is so tough.  

I do not know how any of you put up with what you do.  I don't think I could do it (which is probably why I never married or had children).

You posted a picture on FB of you crying?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Oct 3, 2018 5:55:41 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I hope they told him plenty. I know if I were your parents I would have. What was he thinking?

Being a typical man. Quitting his job was valid because they disrespected him.

I'm clearly an over emotional hysterical woman who isn't seeing the bigger picture.

In general I'd consider DH a feminist but there are times you can tell we were raised by two totally different generations of parents.

You'd think we are 30-40 years apart instead both being Gen Xers.

[zibazinski]

Oct 3, 2018 6:34:30 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Oct 3, 2018 5:55:41 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I hope they told him plenty. I know if I were your parents I would have. What was he thinking?

Being a typical man. Quitting his job was valid because they disrespected him.

I'm clearly an over emotional hysterical woman who isn't seeing the bigger picture.

In general I'd consider DH a feminist but there are times you can tell we were raised by two totally different generations of parents.

You'd think we are 30-40 years apart instead both being Gen Xers.

Yes, well when there’s someone to support you , you can afford to quit your job. IRL when you support yourself and others, the luxury of just quitting isn’t there. I worked a job I hated for years because I had to. No one to support me so I could “quit” from being disrespected.

[azucena]

Reading through all the responses to Sam, I can't help but agree with most of them in theory.  However, in actuality, Sam's husband is currently suicidal - and I didn't get the impression that Sam thought he was attention seeking about it.  And Sam likely cares for him enough even as just her children's father, that she's tiptoeing around land mines.

He's also likely severely depressed and I think bipolar - neither of which are super conducive to him having any energy to work on fixing things.  Before I get flamed, let me be clear that none of this excuses his behavior in any way, shape, or form.  It does provide context.  Complete and utter lack of motivation about his job momentum - um that's depression 101.

[azucena]

Glad to hear there are changes at your house Pants.  To keep the positive momentum going, praise the heck out of each individual even if it feels like you shouldn't have to.

DH and I talked briefly the other night and he agreed to be 100% responsible for dishes while I take laundry.  Putting him in charge of a specific ongoing task seems like it will help.  We typically do laundry once/week, and I actually enjoy putting it all away which is the bulk of the actual work.  So I can schedule this when it works for me.  Besides, it will save me from hunting down my clothes amongst DD10's stuff because DH can't tell them apart anymore.

Last month I put him 100% in charge of getting our passports.  I said all I want to hear is a calendar invite of where/when I should show up for my pic and how much the checks total.  He kept coming to me with questions at first, but I basically la-la-la-la'd him and of course he was able to figure it all out.  So I clearly need to delegate more tasks like that.  He's going to open our 529 accounts in the next two weeks.  After that, he will take on getting us ready for an appt to make our wills.  There's a never ending list of adulting things that I can never seem to get done.

[andi9899]

Oct 3, 2018 6:37:30 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Oct 3, 2018 6:34:30 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Being a typical man. Quitting his job was valid because they disrespected him.

I'm clearly an over emotional hysterical woman who isn't seeing the bigger picture.

In general I'd consider DH a feminist but there are times you can tell we were raised by two totally different generations of parents.

You'd think we are 30-40 years apart instead both being Gen Xers.

Yes, well when there’s someone to support you , you can afford to quit your job. IRL when you support yourself and others, the luxury of just quitting isn’t there. I worked a job I hated for years because I had to. No one to support me so I could “quit” from being disrespected.

True. My grandma told me one day that I wouldn't have to work so hard if I had a husband. I politely told her in no uncertain terms that I don't want a husband. I'd rather be dirt broke than married. As you can guess my traditional Mexican Catholic grandma was not thrilled with my response, but she never said it again.

[gs11rmb]

Oct 3, 2018 7:58:35 GMT -5 azucena said:

Reading through all the responses to Sam, I can't help but agree with most of them in theory.  However, in actuality, Sam's husband is currently suicidal - and I didn't get the impression that Sam thought he was attention seeking about it.  And Sam likely cares for him enough even as just her children's father, that she's tiptoeing around land mines.

He's also likely severely depressed and I think bipolar - neither of which are super conducive to him having any energy to work on fixing things.  Before I get flamed, let me be clear that none of this excuses his behavior in any way, shape, or form.  It does provide context.  Complete and utter lack of motivation about his job momentum - um that's depression 101.

While I do agree with you, I know that Sam's husband has struggled with mental illness for years.  I understand that it's hard to do anything when in the depths of depression but he doesn't seem to do anything much to try and address these issues.  So much so that I am beginning to wonder if he's conscious of the fact that when he is in a bad place, Sam doesn't push.  This seems like yet another way to exert control.  Sam is a good person and she wouldn't abandon her husband while he's ill.  However, if he's fully functioning she'll be more inclined to cut her losses and leave.

[Sam_2.0]

I sat down with a friend last night - her husband just left. Completely out of the blue, to her at least (he had someone else). Their kids are in A's class. I see what its done to their family. I see what my mom & sister put up with to stay. I hear what you all are saying and I do appreciate it.

Right now things are back to neutral. Not openly hostile, but definitely not fun. I am ok with existing in the neutral zone for now. Doing anything else honestly requires the energy I don't have. And no matter what, I lose.

Oh, and today is our anniversary.

[Jaguar]

<<<<< BIG HUGS >>>>> to you Sam_2.0

[steph08]

Hugs to you, sam. Someday, I hope you have the happiness that you so deserve.


I know this is the kid thread - but can you all send some good vibes to my furry kid? The white of my beagle's eye has been red for about a week (I just thought allergies or irritation), but it glassed over at the end of last week. A vet appointment revealed a mass behind her eye, and surgery to remove her left eye is scheduled for tomorrow.  The hope is that whatever it is (vet said possible ocular melanoma) is contained to just the eye, and this procedure is curative. She's only 7.

[Jaguar]

Sending good vibes for your puppy steph08,

[Sam_2.0]

Big hugs, steph!! I hope your sweet fur baby does well with her surgery.

[zibazinski]

Oct 3, 2018 9:46:43 GMT -5 steph08 said:

Hugs to you, sam. Someday, I hope you have the happiness that you so deserve.


I know this is the kid thread - but can you all send some good vibes to my furry kid? The white of my beagle's eye has been red for about a week (I just thought allergies or irritation), but it glassed over at the end of last week. A vet appointment revealed a mass behind her eye, and surgery to remove her left eye is scheduled for tomorrow.  The hope is that whatever it is (vet said possible ocular melanoma) is contained to just the eye, and this procedure is curative. She's only 7.

Hugs. Pets are our children too

[zibazinski]

Oct 3, 2018 7:58:35 GMT -5 azucena said:

Reading through all the responses to Sam, I can't help but agree with most of them in theory.  However, in actuality, Sam's husband is currently suicidal - and I didn't get the impression that Sam thought he was attention seeking about it.  And Sam likely cares for him enough even as just her children's father, that she's tiptoeing around land mines.

He's also likely severely depressed and I think bipolar - neither of which are super conducive to him having any energy to work on fixing things.  Before I get flamed, let me be clear that none of this excuses his behavior in any way, shape, or form.  It does provide context.  Complete and utter lack of motivation about his job momentum - um that's depression 101.

Having the kids exposed to that is awful for them. They have no choice. Maybe he needs to go to a hospital for awhile and get some real help.

[TheOtherMe]

Oct 3, 2018 6:01:20 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Oct 2, 2018 15:32:16 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Sam_2.0   


The picture of you crying made me shed tears with you.  I was on the verge of tears and the photo did it.  I needed to cry.

I'm sorry life is so tough.  

I do not know how any of you put up with what you do.  I don't think I could do it (which is probably why I never married or had children).

You posted a picture on FB of you crying?

No, I did not post a photo of me on Facebook crying.

[raeoflyte]

Oct 3, 2018 11:06:59 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Oct 3, 2018 7:58:35 GMT -5 azucena said:

Reading through all the responses to Sam, I can't help but agree with most of them in theory.  However, in actuality, Sam's husband is currently suicidal - and I didn't get the impression that Sam thought he was attention seeking about it.  And Sam likely cares for him enough even as just her children's father, that she's tiptoeing around land mines.

He's also likely severely depressed and I think bipolar - neither of which are super conducive to him having any energy to work on fixing things.  Before I get flamed, let me be clear that none of this excuses his behavior in any way, shape, or form.  It does provide context.  Complete and utter lack of motivation about his job momentum - um that's depression 101.

Having the kids exposed to that is awful for them. They have no choice. Maybe he needs to go to a hospital for awhile and get some real help.

No one gets fixed in the hospital, and unless you have private money they're not going to keep you long enough to even pretend like that is the goal.   

I've been through multiple hospital stays with my sister--mostly the 3 day hold after a suicide attempt.  Depression sucks, and mental health coverage...sucks.  It also isn't a broken leg that you just fix.  We have a whole thread from people dealing with it.  In most cases it's a chronic lifelong condition with flare ups.  Some that are worse than others.  

It doesn't mean anyone has to stay with someone or put up with anything and everything because of it, but its not as simple as take a pill or pretend you're not sad and everything will be better.  

Edited to add...it's not terrible for kids to be exposed to parents who are depressed, anymore than it is terrible that a parent could get cancer.  It's not the depressed parents fault, or the spouse who is trying to support the spouse and kids.  It's life and you deal with it.  Hopefully with compassion.  

[azucena]

and chances are the kids are genetically pre-disposed to depression so seeing Sam try to deal with it compassionately is a-ok in my book

No kid truly has a storybook childhood.

I went to the ER for my last depressive episode - felt like I was crawling out of my skin.  Yeah, that wasn't helpful at all, hours in the waiting room, lost sleep, and then here's a pill we think may help but call your dr in the morning.  Next time, I've told my husband just to remind me to take a sleeping pill instead and pray I feel better in the morning.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sam's husband is bipolar I believe.

that being said you can't help someone who will not help themselves.  I understand that medication can be tricky, especially when you are talking about bipolar meds but they have both been in therapy together and separately for HOW long?

He has to know at this point he needs help.  He doesn't get it for whatever reason that only he knows.   Sam should not have to suffer because of that.

I am all for compassion, I'm married to a recovering addict, but one one of the tenets of NarcAnon is that you must accept that you cannot save people from themselves.   You cannot allow yourself to be drug down with them, that is not empathy that is co-dependence which is not good for either party.

I will not tell Sam what to do because I haven't done what people think I should do either in regards to my husband.  I will say that you have the right to say enough is enough.  You cannot make your husband do anything so whatever choices he makes in regards to your decision are his.  It doesn't make it  easier to process but you need to reach a point where you aren't reacting out of guilt.  If you stay it should be because YOU want to, not because you fear his reaction.  That is classic co-dependence.

If you haven't read it you should read Codependent No More.  This is something you should talk with your therapist about too.  If he can't handle it or poo poos it then find a new one. 

Staying should be your choice, not something you feel obligated to do.  You will land on your feet, you are a strong smart lady.   He is the one who should be rightly worried because if you leave it doesn't sound like he'd have a pot to piss in.   Maybe a reminder of how fucked he would be without you might make him start to reconsider getting the help he needs.

I do that with DH every so often.  Not in a mean way or beating him over the head with it, just every so often he does something or says something stupid enough he needs a reminder of how good he's got it.

[raeoflyte]

It's been decided that the halloween party will be minecraft themed.  I really wanted Once Upon a Time and had big hopes of making a huge book photo background.  The kids are probably saving me from myself despite my disappointment.  It would have been a great reason to buy a giant dragon for the front yard! 

Not a lot of time at this point.  Last year I had half the wall already covered in tissue paper flowers for Alice in Wonderland party plans.  This year will be more low-key, and I'm ordering pizza for the food.  We'll probably decorate  all of the doorways like nether portals.  Put in a few minecraft-y characters and call it good. 

I'm trying to decide on the activity.  Last year I had hats to decorate (mad hatter style), the year before dh did an epic "potions" lesson for the kids dressed as Snape.  This year...I got nothing.  I could potentially put together minecraft base masks and let the kids decorate them?  It would take a while to get them put together, but as long as I can find 24 packs of soda I could do it...I think.   I'd love suggestions. 

E doesn't want to invite her whole class, just a couple of friends but she does want to invite all the neighbor kids--which works out better for me.  I think with C I can just get a list of kids from him to invite and make him get their phone #'s.  It will really mean the girls are outnumbered, but it is what it is.  

I need to decide now if I'm asking one of our babysitters if she could help me supervise.  If I do that, it will probably be a small party and no need for her.  But last year with 12 kids I was definitely stressed by the end.

Oh, and costumes for dh and I.  I don't want any of the kids to be scared, so I can't be a wither (I think that's what its called--the tall ones with purple eyes).  Maybe I'll be the dragon.  C was one of the 3 headed withers for comicon, but he wants to be a blaze for halloween--I can plaster him in glow in the dark reflector tape--it's perfect!  E is skipping the minecraft theme for costumes because she wants to be a crazy cat lady, just like her auntie!   

[cktc]

I have no idea about minecraft, but it sounds like you are already knocking motherhood out of the park!

My current Halloween dilemma, I'm making my 2 1/2 year old DS a Saturn costume, it's a paper mache yoga ball with a cardboard ring. The ring is kinda ho hun. Considering zip tying some battery powered led rope lights around the ring. Awful idea?

[Pants]

I feel positively about Halloween this year as B wants to be Hermione Granger. Unfortunately, that means she has designated me Minerva McGonnagall. DH is to be Dumbledore, but he's campaigning for Hagrid.

On the other hand, K wants to be "Butterfly Princess Barbie." Ok, K. Do you, kid.

[raeoflyte]

Oct 3, 2018 17:56:50 GMT -5 cktc said:

I have no idea about minecraft, but it sounds like you are already knocking motherhood out of the park!

My current Halloween dilemma, I'm making my 2 1/2 year old DS a Saturn costume, it's a paper mache yoga ball with a cardboard ring. The ring is kinda ho hun. Considering zip tying some battery powered led rope lights around the ring. Awful idea?

Not awful at all.  It sounds perfect!  Plus easier to see him on the big night.