The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[muttleynfelix]

Sept 30, 2018 17:25:52 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Ahh. Apparently this week I went too far. DH is livid with my comments about white men. Awesome.

Your DH needs to shut up and listen. Sorry that you don't have th support you deserve.

[muttleynfelix]

Good husband post...I was doing laundry today (we informally alternate, he is going to fold tonight) and under the curve of the laundry detergent was the biggest nastiest spider I have ever seen. I held myself together and got my husband who was cleaning and rearranging the living room and he gently captured it and took it outside while I tried not to freak out. I hope when he took it outside that he took it to the end of the block before letting it go. 😂

Despite the fact that his new pain meds haven't been working, things have been good between us. Our 13th anniversary is the 8th and we have concert tickets for the 5th and I'm taking the 8th off work and we are going to hang out while the kids are at school. We've also talked a lot of politics lately and while we don't always agree, we've gotten better about not having to agree on everything.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Sept 30, 2018 20:04:29 GMT -5 Pants said:

Sept 30, 2018 19:29:20 GMT -5 Pants said:

Btw, thank you guys for inspiring me to finally do something about my house. I've come up with a new system we are going to try. It's called 5-4-3-2-1. Every day, all of us will do 5 very small things (throw away a piece of paper, put shoes by the door) and so on up to 1 big thing (cook a big meal, sweep the house). I write it out last night so there are age-appropriate things at each level. Hoping this is a way to help get us working as a family to keep things in better shape around here, and encourage some independence in B. For her, her 1 could be packing her lunch for the next day. We will see how it goes, but if we get through the week and it's still working, I may introduce a "swizzle" layer a la Chloe. Wish us luck! 

Aaaand DH is already arguing with me about why it's too much work every day. Fucking lazy ass asshole. 

Eh, just keep going with it. I’m not saying he’ll come around to being happy, but with enough side eye and “look, kids, Dad’s giving an example of what not to do” he’ll at least be quiet, right?

[Pants]

Sept 30, 2018 22:39:26 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Sept 30, 2018 20:04:29 GMT -5 Pants said:

Aaaand DH is already arguing with me about why it's too much work every day. Fucking lazy ass asshole. 

Eh, just keep going with it. I’m not saying he’ll come around to being happy, but with enough side eye and “look, kids, Dad’s giving an example of what not to do” he’ll at least be quiet, right?

He was trying to argue me down based on having the girls awake hours be *just* chores - after last week he was arguing that we need to give them later bedtimes. So, ok, let's give them later bedtimes and instead of spending an extra hour watching the TV, they can spend some of that time doing age-appropriate shit.

And then he was talking about how it would be fine to do a full 5-4-3-2-1 thing on weekends, but during the week was too much. Dude. I'm trying to do LESS on weekends. And if we get more done during the week, maybe we will have time to tackle any of the 1 billion projects we really need taken care of that you bitch about but predictably never do because that would require doing something.

In fact, thinking about the day, I'm not sure he actually did a "1" level chore. Shocking.

[NastyWoman]

Sept 30, 2018 17:38:15 GMT -5 Pants said:

Sept 30, 2018 17:25:52 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Ahh. Apparently this week I went too far. DH is livid with my comments about white men. Awesome.

Fuck your husband.

Don't think so - he can bloody well go play with himself. Snowflake that he is...

[azucena]

I've waivered on allowances the last few years, but think I've settled on a system for my kids.  I'm going to pay 0.25/15 minutes of chores and basically have a clock in/out system to keep track.  It's either that or start paying for a house cleaner but I'm too cheap to do that.  The only thing that doesn't count is cleaning their rooms - that happens on Fridays before they get screen time.  Other messes they have made throughout the house do count because hey at least that way they will get picked up, right?

Hosted a yard sale on Sat.  Sold $800 worth which includes 4 families.  I myself only made $80 which probably works out to $5/hr worth of work for me over the past week - not worth it except everything that didn't sell went directly to goodwill including a ton of stuffed animals that DD6 was willing to part with for some strange reason.  Hardly sold any girl clothes when I priced most of it at 0.25.  Now if I can keep the mojo going to complete a few more decluttering projects.

[Sam_2.0]

Sat down with DH last night and had it out. The good thing is, I think it was pretty productive. I feel a LOT better about things now and he says he does too. Let's hope so.

[raeoflyte]

We've had better luck with selling to a consignment store. The kids really wanted to do a garage sale, but I've watched the neighbors do that on days that our street has a bunch of foot traffic for a craft fair and get nothing, so I think I've finally convinced the kids too. If you have a Once Upon a Child near you, they're picky with what they take, but they pay well for what they do. (And super honest--they called us back once after we had left to say they had underpaid us. It was only $10 and we were content with what we got, but definitely appreciated the extra).

I decided to just pay the kids an allowance each week, no strings attached.  But I've stopped buying a lot of other things.  We're going to the pool--pack your own snacks, or bring money because I'm not buying anything.  You can't live without that stuffy?  You have money.  You really want a tv season that we don't have on netflix or amazon?  I'll buy it, and you can give me cash.  Bonus, C always has cash that we can borrow and payback when the school needs random stuff, and E has learned to love thrift stores.  

[raeoflyte]

Sept 30, 2018 22:54:32 GMT -5 Pants said:

Sept 30, 2018 22:39:26 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Eh, just keep going with it. I’m not saying he’ll come around to being happy, but with enough side eye and “look, kids, Dad’s giving an example of what not to do” he’ll at least be quiet, right?

He was trying to argue me down based on having the girls awake hours be *just* chores - after last week he was arguing that we need to give them later bedtimes. So, ok, let's give them later bedtimes and instead of spending an extra hour watching the TV, they can spend some of that time doing age-appropriate shit.

And then he was talking about how it would be fine to do a full 5-4-3-2-1 thing on weekends, but during the week was too much. Dude. I'm trying to do LESS on weekends. And if we get more done during the week, maybe we will have time to tackle any of the 1 billion projects we really need taken care of that you bitch about but predictably never do because that would require doing something.

In fact, thinking about the day, I'm not sure he actually did a "1" level chore. Shocking.

I wish I had a solution on this.  I'm probably overly snarky with the kids and dh about how my decisions last because I'm the one doing the work, and if they want a bigger vote they know how to get it.  

Just make sure you're not sugar coating his lack of effort to the kids.  That united front stuff is crap when it leaves everything on you.  If he won't help with chores, don't do anything that helps him out.  I didn't fold dh's laundry for years and should have just stopped doing it all together.  

[chen35]

We did family pictures last night. DS18 is pissed because DH made him shave. The older boys all looked basically homeless. C was super cranky the entire time, I don't think he smiled once the whole time we were there, let alone for a picture. I'm sure they'll turn out great!

Glad you and DH got to hash things out Sam. 

Sorry for everyone else dealing with bullshit from their husbands. And bullshit on these forums. 

[Lizard Queen]

Yard sales only seem to be successful in the summer for us.  You also have to have really good advertisement/signs, and it's always the luck of the draw with what you're selling vs. what people are looking to buy.  If you want it to be worth your time, you have to sell some big stuff.  If you're just selling things a quarter at a time, it's going to take a huge amount of sales to get anywhere money-wise, but you can always look at it as progress towards purging/decluttering.  I think we will be done having garage sales once we've sold off all the larger kid items (the bigger items up front being a bit of a draw).  I'm thinking another year or 2.

[raeoflyte]

Oct 1, 2018 9:53:42 GMT -5 chen35 said:

We did family pictures last night. DS18 is pissed because DH made him shave. The older boys all looked basically homeless. C was super cranky the entire time, I don't think he smiled once the whole time we were there, let alone for a picture. I'm sure they'll turn out great!

Glad you and DH got to hash things out Sam. 

Sorry for everyone else dealing with bullshit from their husbands. And bullshit on these forums. 

Hopefully they turned out well.  I've been surprised.  Even when there aren't smiles, there's usually some good pictures in the mix. 

[azucena]

It was part of a subdivision sale and my house is on the main street which is busy.  I wasn't expecting to make a ton, but it's been a few years since I've had one (and i decluttered big time before the move last summer) so I'd forgotten just how much work it is.  My mom sold $300 so it was worth it to get crap out of her house too but she'll just keep bringing stuff home.

[Sam_2.0]

Drama - I am totally blaming you for my new addiction. I just ordered some new crochet stuff on Wish. Whole set of bamboo inline hooks for $1. I'd be happy if even 1 turns out

[taz157]

Thanks NomoreDramaQ1015 and Sam_2.0, I just placed an order with Wish.

[Pants]

It's getting to be crafting weather. Just blocked a cowl I worked last winter, lol. I've got enough of the giant wool to make a hat. Give it another negative ten degrees and it will be time!

[bean29]

Sept 30, 2018 17:47:30 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Sept 30, 2018 17:25:52 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Ahh. Apparently this week I went too far. DH is livid with my comments about white men. Awesome.

comments to him? comments in front of him? comments about him? 
My husband is a pretty classic white guy, but he is aware that he/white guys have a grotesque privilege and not an appropriate privilege. His frustration is more along the lines of "it's really hard to counteract everything that has been ingrained in your since birth", but he's not indignant that it can't or shouldn't be done. 

My DD who is 1/2 Mexican says even she has white privilege most of the time because she looks like a white girl and we are mostly upper middle class. I don’t think her country boy/military boyfriend likes it too much when she jokes about brown people problems/white privilege either. DD is well aware b/c DH’s minor was Bi-lingual Bi-cultural Studies and a friend of his from college is a Professor in the English/Ethnic Studies dept. DD has taken about 3 of her classes.

BSchoolbound sorry you messed up your back, and sorry your DH doesn’t feel the need to step in and pamper you when you are out of commission. My DH was mostly competent with our kids. He in fact always did DD’s hair in ponytails b/c he said I did not pull it tight enough. If he could not step in b/c of work or some other reason, his mother usually turned up to help me.

[bean29]

Oct 1, 2018 9:49:16 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Sept 30, 2018 22:54:32 GMT -5 Pants said:

He was trying to argue me down based on having the girls awake hours be *just* chores - after last week he was arguing that we need to give them later bedtimes. So, ok, let's give them later bedtimes and instead of spending an extra hour watching the TV, they can spend some of that time doing age-appropriate shit.

And then he was talking about how it would be fine to do a full 5-4-3-2-1 thing on weekends, but during the week was too much. Dude. I'm trying to do LESS on weekends. And if we get more done during the week, maybe we will have time to tackle any of the 1 billion projects we really need taken care of that you bitch about but predictably never do because that would require doing something.

In fact, thinking about the day, I'm not sure he actually did a "1" level chore. Shocking.

I wish I had a solution on this.  I'm probably overly snarky with the kids and dh about how my decisions last because I'm the one doing the work, and if they want a bigger vote they know how to get it.  

Just make sure you're not sugar coating his lack of effort to the kids.  That united front stuff is crap when it leaves everything on you.  If he won't help with chores, don't do anything that helps him out.  I didn't fold dh's laundry for years and should have just stopped doing it all together.  

I stopped doing DH’s laundry early in our marriage. Mostly b/c he is very picky about how it is done-if doing jeans shake them real hard before they go in dryer and put on hangers as soon as dryer stops tumbling. He complains I dry the golf shirts on too high a temp and he doesn’t want anything with a zipper mixed in with his shirts (snags fabric). I only wash his socks & underwear (throw it in with mine). I wash towels and put them in dryer. If he is watching TV when I pull them out he offers to fold. We do hang each other’s stuff when dryer is done if convenient.

[WholeLottaNothin]

Sept 30, 2018 17:25:52 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Ahh. Apparently this week I went too far. DH is livid with my comments about white men. Awesome.

I couldn't help but notice that despite all the support you got on your fb posts over the weekend, your family was noticeably absent. The picture of you crying broke my heart, and it made me angry that there was no comment or even an acknowledgement from any of them. You are a much more tolerant and patient soul than I am. There would be a come to Jesus talk with all of them (so to speak), not just your DH.

[Sam_2.0]

Oct 2, 2018 9:30:20 GMT -5 WholeLottaNothin said:

Sept 30, 2018 17:25:52 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Ahh. Apparently this week I went too far. DH is livid with my comments about white men. Awesome.

I couldn't help but notice that despite all the support you got on your fb posts over the weekend, your family was noticeably absent. The picture of you crying broke my heart, and it made me angry that there was no comment or even an acknowledgement from any of them. You are a much more tolerant and patient soul than I am. There would be a come to Jesus talk with all of them (so to speak), not just your DH.

I had a couple tell me they've blocked me. I am too extreme for their liking. Including my own DH.

[WholeLottaNothin]

[Pants]

Oct 2, 2018 9:44:10 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Oct 2, 2018 9:30:20 GMT -5 WholeLottaNothin said:

I couldn't help but notice that despite all the support you got on your fb posts over the weekend, your family was noticeably absent. The picture of you crying broke my heart, and it made me angry that there was no comment or even an acknowledgement from any of them. You are a much more tolerant and patient soul than I am. There would be a come to Jesus talk with all of them (so to speak), not just your DH.

I had a couple tell me they've blocked me. I am too extreme for their liking. Including my own DH.

So your DH has you blocked on FB, but still finds time to yell at you about fights you get in on FB? 

Cool, that sounds totally normal and not at all controlling douchebaggery! 

[Sam_2.0]

I just need to be like his mom & only talk about classical art or neutral/happy things. Or share cute pics of the kids. I am too "angry and hateful" and what I say isn't helpful to anyone anyway. At least, that's the lecture I got the other night.

[Pants]

Oct 2, 2018 10:17:08 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I just need to be like his mom & only talk about classical art or neutral/happy things. Or share cute pics of the kids. I am too "angry and hateful" and what I say isn't helpful to anyone anyway. At least, that's the lecture I got the other night.

As I sit here doing my budget to figure out whether I can afford a divorce, let me say from the bottom of my heart: You can do better. 

[andi9899]

Oct 2, 2018 10:17:08 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I just need to be like his mom & only talk about classical art or neutral/happy things. Or share cute pics of the kids. I am too "angry and hateful" and what I say isn't helpful to anyone anyway. At least, that's the lecture I got the other night.

Fuck that. You do you. If someone else doesn't like it, they can look the other way. You're an incredible person and don't you dare let anyone tell you different.

[WholeLottaNothin]

Oct 2, 2018 10:17:08 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I just need to be like his mom & only talk about classical art or neutral/happy things. Or share cute pics of the kids. I am too "angry and hateful" and what I say isn't helpful to anyone anyway. At least, that's the lecture I got the other night.

So basically he wants you to be a mindless doormat?

[wvugurl26]

Oct 2, 2018 10:17:08 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I just need to be like his mom & only talk about classical art or neutral/happy things. Or share cute pics of the kids. I am too "angry and hateful" and what I say isn't helpful to anyone anyway. At least, that's the lecture I got the other night.

You are very helpful. You inspire me to think about stuff and what I can change, what I can do to make things better even if it's uncomfortable for me personally. I'm sure you inspire others as well. We need more people like you.

[Pants]

Oct 2, 2018 10:26:04 GMT -5 WholeLottaNothin said:

Oct 2, 2018 10:17:08 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I just need to be like his mom & only talk about classical art or neutral/happy things. Or share cute pics of the kids. I am too "angry and hateful" and what I say isn't helpful to anyone anyway. At least, that's the lecture I got the other night.

So basically he wants you to be a mindless doormat?

I feel like this is not a surprise? 

[WholeLottaNothin]

I never said it was a surprise. It's why they fight over and over. Because she is too smart for that.

[swamp]

Oct 2, 2018 10:17:08 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I just need to be like his mom & only talk about classical art or neutral/happy things. Or share cute pics of the kids. I am too "angry and hateful" and what I say isn't helpful to anyone anyway. At least, that's the lecture I got the other night.

Of course you're angry.  You're being told your thoughts and feelings don't matter.   That you have to suck it up and be sweet and accept the status quo so nobody's feelings get hurt.  

Fuck that.