The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[Pants]

Sept 25, 2018 20:22:34 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Sept 25, 2018 19:31:37 GMT -5 Pants said:

I would be very unhappy in many of the marriages on this board. I might be happy in others. Other people might be happy in my marriage, or have been rooting for me to leave this dude for years and I've only really come around to it in the last couple of years. There are lots of people in this thread with marriages they are happy with, and I am happy for them. Every person has different deal breakers. I try not to judge the relationships I read about here, because no matter how much I may think someone needs to the shit out of their partner, it's not my relationship, and whatever they are going to do, they aren't going to do it because some stranger on the internet told them to. As a whole, we are smarter than that on this board. 

I do tell women who are considering marriage and kids to look at the research that's been done in this area. Women do substantially more housework and childcare than men. As women's income goes up relative to a man's, they actually do MORE of the housework. Marriage is a much better deal for men than women. Men's happiness goes up, women's doesn't. Men live longer. Men have more leisure time in a marriage than they do before - BECAUSE WOMEN ARE DOING ALL THE WORK. And a lot of the times, it's pretty ok or even reasonably equal until kids come along. For me, marriage changed a lot of things in my relationship. The urge to mimic your idea of a normal marriage, or your version of your parents' marriage, or whatever your cultural conditioning is, is VERY strong. If I had it to do over again, I would skip the marriage and have the kids. Others might advise skipping the kids and having the marriage. 

Do do what you think is best, but honestly, we all did as well. For some of us that has worked out. Others, not so much. Think about what I've posted about the current state of my life, then know that when we got married, the plan was for DH to be a stay at home dad and take care of literally everything I do now. In hindsight, it was a ridiculous plan because he couldn't even mop a floor, but those were the agreements we made. 

Things change. Love blinds people. What people think they want may not end up being what they really want. If this thread changes the way you think about some of the decisions you're making, great.

This thread is an incredible source of wisdom and support, and if the day comes when you are trying to get knocked up, or get knocked up anyway, there's nothing better than this community. If the day comes when you need to celebrate that your husband is the best ever, we are thrilled for you. If it turns out your boyfriend/girlfriend/baby daddy/wife/whatever is an asshole, we got you for that too. Your kid does something cute? Tell us. You're in a fight with the school district? We have thoughts. Custody issues or a rough day at work? We got hugs. 

None one of this life stuff is easy, and having a place to vent or ask questions or get reactions is really valuable. Good luck with your conversations about marriage and family.

This. I would hide a body for any of you girls. ♥️

It's kind of a big body. May require 3-4 of us.

[Lizard Queen]

The kindy teacher backed down, told the kid he can bring the lunchables. I'm a little surprised. Hopefully I wasn't too harsh in the note. I don't think I was, but I did write it rather quickly this morning.

[Pants]

Sept 25, 2018 10:03:20 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

I am literally shaking right now I am so angry. An older guy from church just posted a meme about how every man is now at risk of having his life ruined by claims of sexual assault because of the Kavenaugh accusations. I am livid. I reamed him out about it. He better not have gone through our sexual abuse training and still have that attitude! There has to be an accusation to do an investigation and you CAN'T just discount it because you "know the guy".

One of his buddies said he was accused of sexual harassment for saying hi to a woman in the hallway. Who wants to get he actually said something inappropriate?Because that is where I am at on all this. My first inclination now is to say, you probably did it and didn't even know you did it.

"Oh, so you're admitting that every man has committed sexual assault? When did you first commit assault? Did you serve time yet? Have you made amends?"


but then I'm an asshole. 

[andi9899]

Sept 25, 2018 20:28:33 GMT -5 Pants said:

Sept 25, 2018 20:22:34 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

This. I would hide a body for any of you girls. ♥️

It's kind of a big body. May require 3-4 of us.

It's ok. I'll just lift with my legs. I've been working out you know. I can squat 140 pounds now, so we can handle it. It'll be a teamwork exercise.

[andi9899]

Sept 25, 2018 20:30:06 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

The kindy teacher backed down, told the kid he can bring the lunchables. I'm a little surprised. Hopefully I wasn't too harsh in the note. I don't think I was, but I did write it rather quickly this morning.

Hey, sometimes you have to be an asshole to get shit done.

ETA: Just realized there was a pun in there. 😎

[cktc]

Any tips for potty training a toddler who is afraid of the toilet? DS is 2 1/2 and otherwise showing readiness signs. He is dry through the night, hides to poop, can pull his pants up and down by himself, but he doesn't even want to try sitting on the toilet. He will sit on it with the lid down but won't go near it with his seat on top. I'd really hoped to avoid the small plastic potty because I'd rather change a diaper than have to clean that.

[Pants]

Sept 25, 2018 16:21:11 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Sept 25, 2018 15:27:31 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

The smart women I knew fooled around with the hot ones but married the stable nerds with jobs!

Nerds with jobs aren't a guarantee that some asshole-ish behavior won't make its presence known at some point either. It's all a gamble, though some people are obviously riskier than others.

Let's not forget that Mark Zuckerberg is worth however many billions of dollars because he wanted a way to publicly rank the women in his life by hotness. Stable nerd, absolute asshole. 

[Pants]

Sept 25, 2018 21:20:03 GMT -5 cktc said:

Any tips for potty training a toddler who is afraid of the toilet? DS is 2 1/2 and otherwise showing readiness signs. He is dry through the night, hides to poop, can pull his pants up and down by himself, but he doesn't even want to try sitting on the toilet. He will sit on it with the lid down but won't go near it with his seat on top. I'd really hoped to avoid the small plastic potty because I'd rather change a diaper than have to clean that.

Do you have a potty seat for him? May help him feel more secure on the toilet. And a stool so he can climb up and down himself and has somewhere to rest his feet. 

But you may may just be stuck with the little potty. They sell millions of the things annually for a reason. I know it's gross, I hate it. Sorry! 

[Pants]

Sept 25, 2018 20:52:20 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Sept 25, 2018 20:28:33 GMT -5 Pants said:

It's kind of a big body. May require 3-4 of us.

It's ok. I'll just lift with my legs. I've been working out you know. I can squat 140 pounds now, so we can handle it. It'll be a teamwork exercise.

May still need 3 of us. Maybe we can chop it up first, make the pieces easier to carry? I'll think on it. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Sept 25, 2018 20:24:07 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

So my baby is turning 19 on Sunday. I remember her being a sweet little baby. She was so cute. Where has the time gone?

Right? How has two decades past? I don't even get it. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Sept 25, 2018 20:30:06 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

The kindy teacher backed down, told the kid he can bring the lunchables. I'm a little surprised. Hopefully I wasn't too harsh in the note. I don't think I was, but I did write it rather quickly this morning.

She didn't have any ground to stand on there. She mis-spoke and had to concede. 

[taz157]

Sept 25, 2018 21:20:03 GMT -5 cktc said:

Any tips for potty training a toddler who is afraid of the toilet? DS is 2 1/2 and otherwise showing readiness signs. He is dry through the night, hides to poop, can pull his pants up and down by himself, but he doesn't even want to try sitting on the toilet. He will sit on it with the lid down but won't go near it with his seat on top. I'd really hoped to avoid the small plastic potty because I'd rather change a diaper than have to clean that.

I recommend a potty seat that seats over the toilet and a stool.

FWIW, I didn’t like the little potty seats that go on the floor either and never used them.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Sept 25, 2018 21:20:03 GMT -5 cktc said:

Any tips for potty training a toddler who is afraid of the toilet? DS is 2 1/2 and otherwise showing readiness signs. He is dry through the night, hides to poop, can pull his pants up and down by himself, but he doesn't even want to try sitting on the toilet. He will sit on it with the lid down but won't go near it with his seat on top. I'd really hoped to avoid the small plastic potty because I'd rather change a diaper than have to clean that.

Well, I used the small plastic potty with my kids, so I don't know what to tell you there. 
You really do just it into the regular potty and wash it out and all is well. 



Um, what about cheerios in the toilet? I've never had to potty train boys though; is that just an urban myth?

[raeoflyte]

All Ive got is to suggest mapping out every non-auto flushing toilet. Those things terrified both of my kids, but I so miss how C would say automatic and that only came about because of those.

[crazycat]

Sept 25, 2018 21:35:10 GMT -5 Pants said:

Sept 25, 2018 20:52:20 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

It's ok. I'll just lift with my legs. I've been working out you know. I can squat 140 pounds now, so we can handle it. It'll be a teamwork exercise.

May still need 3 of us. Maybe we can chop it up first, make the pieces easier to carry? I'll think on it. 

Wood chipper ala Fargo , just sayin 😜

[tcu2003]

Sept 25, 2018 21:20:03 GMT -5 cktc said:

Any tips for potty training a toddler who is afraid of the toilet? DS is 2 1/2 and otherwise showing readiness signs. He is dry through the night, hides to poop, can pull his pants up and down by himself, but he doesn't even want to try sitting on the toilet. He will sit on it with the lid down but won't go near it with his seat on top. I'd really hoped to avoid the small plastic potty because I'd rather change a diaper than have to clean that.

We used the little seat that sits on the regular toilet for C, and a stool so he could climb up and sit on it himself. And then scoot it over to the sink to wash hands when he was done. We taught him sitting down- it was easier for us to do that. He’s 6 now, and it’s really only been in the last few months that he usually stands to pee now.

Also, don’t force it. He picked up on peeing pretty easily, but was scared about pooping for whatever reason. He was a consistent dinner time-ish guy for #2, so he’d tell us he needed a diaper/pull-up, I’d ask if he wanted to sit on the potty, he would say no, and then I’d put a diaper or pull-up on him. He’d poop within the next 15-ish minutes, we’d change him back to undies until bedtime, and it worked. A few weeks later, he just decided to poop in the toilet on his own. Cue lots of cheering and excitement from Mom and dad and then ice cream. Because ice cream is for all celebrations in our family. He asked once or twice after that for a diaper, but I reminded him that he used the toilet now, quickly got him to the toilet, and he was fine.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

On a whole different topic--one of DD's friends is going to stay here tonight. Her mother is a drunk, and it's become a mildly abusive relationship--mostly emotional abuse I think. The dad lives elsewhere but still locally. I feel like I should tell the dad his daughter is here. She's 16  and has a car that--I think--the dad paid for. She left her mom's house to come here. Sigh. 

[Pants]

Sept 25, 2018 12:18:33 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Anecdotally I feel like nature has a bigger impact than we know.  Dh wasn't raised or conditioned as a boy so it doesn't seem like he should be so typical in that regard.  I see it in my kids too...E takes initiative to learn and help with things around the house (and other peoples houses, and even the dojo when she has to stay an extra hour for my class--she asks Sensei if she can help with cleaning).  C on the other hand has to have specific instructions and be "made" to help.  They pick up on queues from us too, and maybe their internalizing our bad habits, but it definitely feels like personality differences.  

I get your point, but also - your DH grew up identifying with and emulating men, even though he wasn't raised as one. What were the men in his life doing? 

[andi9899]

Sept 25, 2018 22:56:18 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

On a whole different topic--one of DD's friends is going to stay here tonight. Her mother is a drunk, and it's become a mildly abusive relationship--mostly emotional abuse I think. The dad lives elsewhere but still locally. I feel like I should tell the dad his daughter is here. She's 16  and has a car that--I think--the dad paid for. She left her mom's house to come here. Sigh. 

Thing 1 had a friend like that. She would stay here because the mom was a hoarder and too busy staying at the bar to care for her kids. The dad was remarried and had the youngest one most of the time. He didn't care about the other two. One was grown and on her own. That left Thing 1's friend. She would stay here so much she eventually just moved in with us. Her mom didn't care because her kids were out of her hair and she still collected welfare and got child support. Since she didn't have kids at home, she got to party more. I just made sure the girl knew she had a safe place to stay and was always welcome. I didn't ask for any money from either of them. She eventually went to live with her grandfather, but she knew she could always come back.

I say all that to say that maybe take her lead a little on how to approach the parents. She knows them best.

[Pants]

Sept 25, 2018 22:56:18 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

On a whole different topic--one of DD's friends is going to stay here tonight. Her mother is a drunk, and it's become a mildly abusive relationship--mostly emotional abuse I think. The dad lives elsewhere but still locally. I feel like I should tell the dad his daughter is here. She's 16  and has a car that--I think--the dad paid for. She left her mom's house to come here. Sigh. 

Chloe, aren't you a mandatory reporter? Does that apply to a situation like this? 

If not, I would ask her if her dad knows where she is. stress that she's welcome to stay, but she should tell her father where she is unless she has a reason not to. 

[gs11rmb]

Sept 25, 2018 18:06:53 GMT -5 Pants said:

Sept 25, 2018 14:49:19 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Pants why do you stay?  He really seems to be adding nothing but stress and unhappiness to your life.  I have no doubt that there are some good points but do they really outweigh all of the bullshit he puts you through?  I should say that I don't advocate just walking out on a marriage.  All relationships have ups and downs and it's important to try hard to work through issues, particularly when children are involved.  At the same time, when you've tried and tried and tried I don't see any shame in deciding that a marriage is just not working and it's healthier for everyone involved to separate.

Getting real honest here, there are a few different factors. But they essentially boil down to needing ducks to be in rows, and not knowing how to break someone's heart. 

Good luck Pants.  Whatever you decide to do I have every faith that you will end up in a good place... as will your girls.

[azucena]

Too lazy to go back and quote specific posts to respond to - you ladies talked a lot yesterday LOL.  I'll echo the strong sentiment for keeping it real and safe here.

Just like YM expects us to have a crystal ball to foresee all financial, health, and career obstacles so we can completely dodge them - sometimes too many people have that same view about marriage.

For context, DH and I began dating when we were 17.  His parents are disabled so he worked three jobs to help finance their household and also provide completely for himself including the car and insurance (with no insured adult driver in the house).  His home life wasn't great so he ended up spending a lot of time with my family - like there might not be food at all at his house because the money that he gave them went to cigarettes (then he got smart and started buying food directly).  During those times, he pitched in at my house without asking - often handwashing the dishes after meals and helping with other chores.  He was also so great with my younger siblings that we had a running joke about whether he was there to see me or my 5 yo brother.  All signs pointed to uber responsible, great partner/father material which was astounding for me to find given my own dad was totally detached.

I went away to college and he stayed for comm college.  We continued to date and did the long distance thing.  I purposefully chose a school that wasn't as close to test and see if we would make it.  He transferred to a 4 yr school and we got engaged as juniors.  Married after I graduated - he needed a 5th yr because academics aren't exactly his thing, but he pushed himself to do it because he knew that's what I expected.  6 months after we married, he developed UC, 6 months after that he had his first surgery.  We spent the next decade fighting this chronic illness with 17 surgeries in total - away from home, on our own with little direct family support as my parents were still raising my siblings and his parents were still a trainwreck and somehow made his illness about themselves.  This delayed my actuarial exams and babies - all of which we had a prior YM-approved plan for.  I stagnated in my job and fell way off the payscale but couldn't do anything about it because I knew we needed stable health insurance.

We moved back closer to our hometown 12 yrs ago, and he had surgeries 16 and 17 (an ostomy).  He was finally able to work part time at an after school program which he loved so he decided to go back to school and get an early childhood cert to be a preschool teacher.  His original degree was business so his original career path that we saw pre-marriage would have paid much more.  We had kids and I finished exams so there's a happy ending.

However, those experiences which we couldn't have planned for dramatically shaped us.  He knows I can carry the entire load because it's just my nature and he saw me do it for years.  And, like I said before, losing an entire decade of his fun 20s to disability (where going to the mailbox was typically the day's highlight) and literally almost dying at three times stunted his maturity in some ways or maybe shifted his perspective entirely.  Then, add in the typical gender stereotypes (like the comic that pants posted which resonates with so many of us because stereotypes are there for a reason) and you end up here with me feeling overwhelmed, burnt out and resentful.  

Another key to mention is that right as he got well, I jumped back into actuarial exams which meant working FT and studying an additional 400 hours in 4 month periods.  During that time, he basically took over daily and family life leaving me to focus because that was the best path fwd.  The payoff has been huge.  However, all that intense work on my part probably shattered what little resilience I had left and contributes to the burn out.

[gs11rmb]

azucena what's UC?

You and your husband have been through a lot together.  Fingers crossed the marriage retreat helps you to forge a stronger path forward.

[zibazinski]

Sept 25, 2018 16:10:59 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Sept 25, 2018 15:25:50 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Well...I wouldn't say I was settling on "any man"...I was actually very picky.  I was just a tad bit too focused on the hot ones.

I was talking about this with my parents one day. I was saying how knowing how Baby Daddy is today, I wouldn't give him the time of day. But at the time, my teenage mind was focusing on the fact that he's hot. At this age, you have a way different set of criteria. Instead of being hot, I'd rather they were able to take care of themselves and what kind of relationship they have with family, etc.

Best reason ever to wait for marriage until later in life. Everyone grows up and changes. Sometimes at different rates. When those rates don’t jive, issues happen. Someone told me once we dramatically change every 7 years. I honestly don’t think I grew up until I was in my thirties. Even then I’ve changed over and over again. I’ve learned the hard way to run from charismatic somewhat handsome men, especially those who’ve never married or had children. Or those with obvious mental illness in their families. I don’t need the drama and I don’t care to try to fix them. Let them stew in their own juices.

[azucena]

Sept 26, 2018 8:03:55 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

azucena what's UC?

You and your husband have been through a lot together.  Fingers crossed the marriage retreat helps you to forge a stronger path forward.

Ulcerative colitis - which is inflammation of the colon and is now "cured" because he has a permanent ostomy bag.

So yeah, our marriage is in a rough spot at the moment, but we've fought together through much worse.  At the lowest, he seriously told me to leave because I shouldn't be "stuck with him and deserved better".  Neither of us took those marriage vows lightly though so when I pledged thru sickness I meant it.  Just didn't know it would be tested 6 months later and tested for 10 yrs.

[azucena]

Sept 26, 2018 8:13:00 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Sept 25, 2018 16:10:59 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

I was talking about this with my parents one day. I was saying how knowing how Baby Daddy is today, I wouldn't give him the time of day. But at the time, my teenage mind was focusing on the fact that he's hot. At this age, you have a way different set of criteria. Instead of being hot, I'd rather they were able to take care of themselves and what kind of relationship they have with family, etc.

Best reason ever to wait for marriage until later in life. Everyone grows up and changes. Sometimes at different rates. When those rates don’t jive, issues happen. Someone told me once we dramatically change every 7 years. I honestly don’t think I grew up until I was in my thirties. Even then I’ve changed over and over again. I’ve learned the hard way to run from charismatic somewhat handsome men, especially those who’ve never married or had children. Or those with obvious mental illness in their families. I don’t need the drama and I don’t care to try to fix them. Let them stew in their own juices.

yes, but even that has a counterargument.  Because DH and I dated so young, we have the benefit of directly understanding some of each other's formative years and also direct views into each other's families of origin.  Those insights can take years to develop through later more typical interactions and discussions.  For instance, I know part of the reason we struggle with chore balance is that he looks around our house today and sees slight disarray compared to the home of his youth which literally had bugs that I saw firsthand so it's no wonder his view is vastly skewed from mine.  On the other hand, I see clutter that drives me bonkers because my mom is a semi-hoarder who had 5 kids and all of their associated stuff in 3 bedroom house and he knows that directly about me.

at the same time, I'm not denying that our individual growth paths have layered onto some of our toughest disagreements.

[zibazinski]

Sept 25, 2018 16:21:11 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

Sept 25, 2018 15:27:31 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

The smart women I knew fooled around with the hot ones but married the stable nerds with jobs!

Nerds with jobs aren't a guarantee that some asshole-ish behavior won't make its presence known at some point either. It's all a gamble, though some people are obviously riskier than others.

Very true.

[chapeau]

I’m really frustrated and concerned (I should probably be more concerned, but I’m definitely more frustrated). Today is day 17 of first grade. It’s day 15 of “I don’t feel good.” She actually was sick one of those days and stayed home (she had a fever). But I’m done. Every single morning it’s the same thing. She’s not sick, because she makes an “amazing recovery” as soon as school is out.
I get it—I hated school, too. She won’t tell me what is wrong/going on, etc. I drive her to school because it’s in my way and because she gets picked up 45 minutes before school starts for a 10 minute ride. But every single day the battle is worse and she’s almost late for school. She had to go to the main entrance and get buzzed in on Monday she was so late, and I refused to walk with her. I felt bad, since the door is so heavy she can’t open it herself, but it only motivated her to be a minute earlier yesterday (she was only a minute late on Monday, but the doors lock automatically. We made it with about 10 seconds to spare yesterday and today.)
Any advice, suggestions, ideas? There is no tv in the morning, she’s going to bed before 8... she is a complete night owl, so I’m pretty sure she just lays there in the dark until she falls asleep, but she’s in bed anyway.

[cktc]

Sept 25, 2018 21:34:10 GMT -5 Pants said:

Sept 25, 2018 21:20:03 GMT -5 cktc said:

Any tips for potty training a toddler who is afraid of the toilet? DS is 2 1/2 and otherwise showing readiness signs. He is dry through the night, hides to poop, can pull his pants up and down by himself, but he doesn't even want to try sitting on the toilet. He will sit on it with the lid down but won't go near it with his seat on top. I'd really hoped to avoid the small plastic potty because I'd rather change a diaper than have to clean that.

Do you have a potty seat for him? May help him feel more secure on the toilet. And a stool so he can climb up and down himself and has somewhere to rest his feet. 

But you may may just be stuck with the little potty. They sell millions of the things annually for a reason. I know it's gross, I hate it. Sorry! 

We have a seat, which I put on and he inspects, but hasn't sat on yet, and he has a stool for each the toilet and sink. He gets up on the toilet himself for me to brush his teeth and then over to the sink to rinse and wash his hands and face before bed. I think it is just the deep open bowl that intimidates him. I should probably just suck it up and get a little potty on the floor, but he'll still need to get comfortable with toilets eventually.

[saveinla]

Sept 26, 2018 8:50:32 GMT -5 chapeau said:

I’m really frustrated and concerned (I should probably be more concerned, but I’m definitely more frustrated). Today is day 17 of first grade. It’s day 15 of “I don’t feel good.” She actually was sick one of those days and stayed home (she had a fever). But I’m done. Every single morning it’s the same thing. She’s not sick, because she makes an “amazing recovery” as soon as school is out.
I get it—I hated school, too. She won’t tell me what is wrong/going on, etc. I drive her to school because it’s in my way and because she gets picked up 45 minutes before school starts for a 10 minute ride. But every single day the battle is worse and she’s almost late for school. She had to go to the main entrance and get buzzed in on Monday she was so late, and I refused to walk with her. I felt bad, since the door is so heavy she can’t open it herself, but it only motivated her to be a minute earlier yesterday (she was only a minute late on Monday, but the doors lock automatically. We made it with about 10 seconds to spare yesterday and today.)
Any advice, suggestions, ideas? There is no tv in the morning, she’s going to bed before 8... she is a complete night owl, so I’m pretty sure she just lays there in the dark until she falls asleep, but she’s in bed anyway.

Can you have someone else talk to her - her dad/sibling/friend/grandma etc. Sometimes it happens - change is hard at that age. Give her some more time. If it still is the same, talk to her teacher and see. Good luck.