The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[Deleted]

Sept 25, 2018 16:10:59 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Sept 25, 2018 15:25:50 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Well...I wouldn't say I was settling on "any man"...I was actually very picky.  I was just a tad bit too focused on the hot ones.

I was talking about this with my parents one day. I was saying how knowing how Baby Daddy is today, I wouldn't give him the time of day. But at the time, my teenage mind was focusing on the fact that he's hot. At this age, you have a way different set of criteria. Instead of being hot, I'd rather they were able to take care of themselves and what kind of relationship they have with family, etc.

I can use age as an excuse for the first one, but I was 38 when I met the second!    In my defense...he was pretty hot.  Even my grandma was panting after him.  ROFL.

I'm over it now though.  I've finally matured.

eta:  And I didn't WANT to marry the second one either.  He suddenly got all super Catholic on me and decided we couldn't have sex before marriage...after a year of the best sex of my life.     I was unfairly forced to commit.  

[Deleted]

Sept 25, 2018 15:27:31 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Sept 25, 2018 15:25:50 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Well...I wouldn't say I was settling on "any man".   I was just a tad bit too focused on the hot ones.

The smart women I knew fooled around with the hot ones but married the stable nerds with jobs!

Nerds with jobs aren't a guarantee that some asshole-ish behavior won't make its presence known at some point either. It's all a gamble, though some people are obviously riskier than others.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

 DH and are the opposite. I am pretty sure he  never would have given me the time of day when we were younger.  We moved in very different social circles.

DH does more than I give him credit for sometimes.  He just has his moments but then so do I.    We talked the other night and I told him did he ever stop to think maybe I just want to spew my venom before I shoot up my workplace?  I don't want a "discussion" and that he sometimes needs to suck it up and swallow his feelings on a subject. .. just like I have more times than I can count.

The part we struggle with the most is leadership.   It's not that DH is a man child it's just how he is wired.  I'm wired to take charge which is why I end up in the pickles I often do at work.  I've been trying to encourage him to just do it rather than wait for me to ask.   When stuff is going on like it is with my new job having to be task manager at home is just too much mental energy for me to expend.

He is making dinner tonight without me having to ask.  I'm taking Gwen to dance, which I like to do because it's quiet.

Career wise there are times when I wonder if I should have left DH behind to move to Iowa City.   Personal wise I think I am a lot better with him and the girls in my life than without them.  

[Lizard Queen]

One nerdy guy ended up being a narcissist. The winner was a little nerdy, but actually the hottest.

[andi9899]

Sept 25, 2018 16:09:06 GMT -5 Poptart said:

Sept 25, 2018 14:59:25 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

How does that make you any different than anyone else on this thread other than the fact that you post random unnecessary comments? We all support ourselves and our families on this thread. While the stories are different from person to person, we can all relate to what the others are going through. We support each other here. We don't just post foolishness like you seem to. I would feel comfortable with any of the ladies on this thread giving me advice on a multitude of topics. There's really not any place for your negativity here.

It does not, you were the one that questioned my maturity, and I'm telling you that as far as I'm concerned I'm doing ok. You did not have to reply to my previous post. I was not addressing you, but as someone who is on the verge of possibly getting married and already having serious conversations about having children this thread makes me fearful and angry at all the crap some of these ladies have to put up with. You took it upon yourself to be bitchy, and its not the first time you've been a jerk to me and I'm not wiling to take it, also you don't get to tell me what I read or reply to, sorry.

Reread it. You stated how marriage and/or parenthood must be such a nightmare and it will be this thread that will be to blame if you never do it. I simply stated that if that's the case, don't read it. How was that bitchy? If anything you were bitchy in response insinuating that because I'm not married and have a Baby Daddy (singular though it shouldn't really matter), that I don't know what I'm talking about.

This is a parenting thread, not a marriage thread. I am a parent. By your logic, you are not, so should you really be commenting? I can spell it out for you further later tonight if need be. I shouldn't have to though since you have mad life skills right? Surely reading comprehension is one of them.

[Poptart]

You know it was bitchy and again you also had the option not to reply. I don't read this thread to get your opinion on anything, and if you don't like my posts don't read them.

[raeoflyte]

Sept 25, 2018 16:10:59 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Sept 25, 2018 15:25:50 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Well...I wouldn't say I was settling on "any man"...I was actually very picky.  I was just a tad bit too focused on the hot ones.

I was talking about this with my parents one day. I was saying how knowing how Baby Daddy is today, I wouldn't give him the time of day. But at the time, my teenage mind was focusing on the fact that he's hot. At this age, you have a way different set of criteria. Instead of being hot, I'd rather they were able to take care of themselves and what kind of relationship they have with family, etc.

I agree but it's still a crap shoot.  People grow and change.  Sometimes people are actively trying to keep secrets, and sometimes it something they don't even know about themselves.  Medical issues, job issues, life is just complicated.  

Expecting teenagers to be looking for what their 30 year old selves are going to want isn't realistic, just like I don't know what I'm going to be looking for at 50 when my kids are grown.  

I bitch about dh a lot, and truth be told if we met now at this stage of life he probably wouldn't be on my radar.  We just don't have that much in common anymore.  We've both grown and changed but are trying--admittedly more often than not the trying is only because we have to.  

The assumption that my marriage isn't perfect because I'll settle for any man though is so insulting, ridiculous, and not helpful.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I'd like to be a fly on the wall of this perfect couple who chose so well they have a 100% perfect marriage.  Bet they are really robots because there ain't no human being alive that is going to be able to live up to this board's standards for marriage.

[raeoflyte]

Sept 25, 2018 17:05:15 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I'd like to be a fly on the wall of this perfect couple who chose so well they have a 100% perfect marriage.  Bet they are really robots because there ain't no human being alive that is going to be able to live up to this board's standards for marriage.

Honestly this was my parents.  They were just made for each other.  Hard workers, I don't know if they were really that good at communicating or if they were just wired so similarly that it wasn't much of an issue. 

Retirement though has been difficult for them.  They love being retired and they're both so self sufficient that they have their own interests and activities and still face problems with that same like minded determination that made the first 30 years so easy.  But there are definitely issues they deal with now that are new and that they couldn't have anticipated (or that it would really make sense to rethink the marriage for).  

[Poptart]

@nomoredramaq1015- I don't think there's such a couple but there's a lot of room between perfection and what a lot of you guys put up with. How in the world is it fair to be the main breadwinner and still have to deal with 90% of the household stuff. How is it fair that you put up with your husbands unemployment and low earning jobs in the past and now that you need emotional support you're told to suck it up? That's cruel and unfair. 

I think two weeks ago or so I read a post by Sam about how her husband wants a new car, which now means she gets to get a crappier car, cause of course he still refuses to get a higher paying job. I wanted to stab him on her behalf.
 

[andi9899]

Sept 25, 2018 16:50:56 GMT -5 Poptart said:

You know it was bitchy and again you also had the option not to reply. I don't read this thread to get your opinion on anything, and if you don't like my posts don't read them.

Again. My response to your "nightmare" comment was not bitchy. Just matter of fact. If you read this thread as much as you say you do, you should know I don't BS.

And since you just said I shouldn't read something I don't like, then aren't you bitchy as well by your logic? Or does that not apply to you?

[raeoflyte]

Sept 25, 2018 17:13:24 GMT -5 Poptart said:

@nomoredramaq1015- I don't think there's such a couple but there's a lot of room between perfection and what a lot of you guys put up with. How in the world is it fair to be the main breadwinner and still have to deal with 90% of the household stuff. How is it fair that you put up with your husbands unemployment and low earning jobs in the past and now that you need emotional support you're told to suck it up? That's cruel and unfair. 

I think two weeks ago or so I read a post by Sam about how her husband wants a new car, which now means she gets to get a crappier car, cause of course he still refuses to get a higher paying job. I wanted to stab him on her behalf.
 

I'm apparently failing at embracing my inner Elsa today, but you know what makes this normally kind, safe space thread so great for us to vent and share?  Not having posts thrown back in our face.  Actually supporting each other, sometimes it isn't with sunshine and unicorns, but it also isn't with the intent of being cruel which is how your posts on this thread come across.  

And just a little sorry/not sorry...but 9 times out of 10 it comes from someone who doesn't have kids or whose kids are grown and on their own.  I like some outside perspective, but not when the only purpose of it is to lord over your superiority.  

My advice if you're actually here looking for information.  Don't have kids.  It complicates relationships and exiting relationships in ways you can't even begin to comprehend until you're in the middle of it.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sept 25, 2018 17:13:24 GMT -5 Poptart said:

@nomoredramaq1015- I don't think there's such a couple but there's a lot of room between perfection and what a lot of you guys put up with. How in the world is it fair to be the main breadwinner and still have to deal with 90% of the household stuff. How is it fair that you put up with your husbands unemployment and low earning jobs in the past and now that you need emotional support you're told to suck it up? That's cruel and unfair. 

I think two weeks ago or so I read a post by Sam about how her husband wants a new car, which now means she gets to get a crappier car, cause of course he still refuses to get a higher paying job. I wanted to stab him on her behalf.
 

It was and we talked about it. Human beings do stupid hurtful shit and I wouldn't have been married for 10 years if we threw it in every time. Obviously your deal breakers are different from mine.

We went thru a lot in 2015 and apparently have not processed it as well as we thought. Neither one of us had any clue this job would be such a disaster and throw me back into a tailspin.

I come here because my girlfriends are currently scattered to the wind and I have to see family on holidays.

Is it wrong of me? Possibly written words can't be taken away and may come back to bite me in the ass.

However it's still cheaper than therapy and beats saying stuff I'll later regret.

Don't read it if it bothers you. I don't come here to be lectured about how awful my marriage is or how desperate I must be to have a man in my life.

I come here to get what I used to get from my RL girlfriends. If that makes me pathetic so be it.

[Jaguar]

Can we take the sniping at each other out of this thread. This is a safe thread for moms and wives to rejoice and complain about their lives. BTW there's a reason this WIR Board has this thread on it, it's the safe to post and vent Board.


So no more bitching and sniping at each other on here, just drop it. Blocking is a wonderful tool btw.

[Pants]

Sept 25, 2018 14:49:19 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Pants why do you stay?  He really seems to be adding nothing but stress and unhappiness to your life.  I have no doubt that there are some good points but do they really outweigh all of the bullshit he puts you through?  I should say that I don't advocate just walking out on a marriage.  All relationships have ups and downs and it's important to try hard to work through issues, particularly when children are involved.  At the same time, when you've tried and tried and tried I don't see any shame in deciding that a marriage is just not working and it's healthier for everyone involved to separate.

Getting real honest here, there are a few different factors. But they essentially boil down to needing ducks to be in rows, and not knowing how to break someone's heart. 

[raeoflyte]

Sept 25, 2018 18:06:53 GMT -5 Pants said:

Sept 25, 2018 14:49:19 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Pants why do you stay?  He really seems to be adding nothing but stress and unhappiness to your life.  I have no doubt that there are some good points but do they really outweigh all of the bullshit he puts you through?  I should say that I don't advocate just walking out on a marriage.  All relationships have ups and downs and it's important to try hard to work through issues, particularly when children are involved.  At the same time, when you've tried and tried and tried I don't see any shame in deciding that a marriage is just not working and it's healthier for everyone involved to separate.

Getting real honest here, there are a few different factors. But they essentially boil down to needing ducks to be in rows, and not knowing how to break someone's heart. 

 

[Deleted]

My children are adults and I'm not even married. But I come here to keep up with my old friends and since I have Grandkids and I'm a big part of their lives, I'm still interested in information regarding children.

I'm happy that spouses and parents have a no judgement zone here to talk about some of the things they deal with and get information, advice, and encouragement. I wish I'd had a space like this when my children were young. 

Please, let's not mess that up for the people that feel like sometimes this is the only place they can truly be honest about the struggles or challenges they face with their spouses and/or children.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Sept 25, 2018 18:06:53 GMT -5 Pants said:

Sept 25, 2018 14:49:19 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Pants why do you stay?  He really seems to be adding nothing but stress and unhappiness to your life.  I have no doubt that there are some good points but do they really outweigh all of the bullshit he puts you through?  I should say that I don't advocate just walking out on a marriage.  All relationships have ups and downs and it's important to try hard to work through issues, particularly when children are involved.  At the same time, when you've tried and tried and tried I don't see any shame in deciding that a marriage is just not working and it's healthier for everyone involved to separate.

Getting real honest here, there are a few different factors. But they essentially boil down to needing ducks to be in rows, and not knowing how to break someone's heart. 

For me, that's absolutely how I felt, plus:
(1) It wasn't so much about breaking someone's heart as I honestly don't think either of wanted to be married (in the love sense) to the other, but I didn't want to admit failure. 

(2)I wasn't so sure that it would be any better being a single parent. I had to get to the place in my head in which I knew not being married would be better than being married with no change in the relationship. 

[muttleynfelix]

Sept 25, 2018 17:13:24 GMT -5 Poptart said:

@nomoredramaq1015- I don't think there's such a couple but there's a lot of room between perfection and what a lot of you guys put up with. How in the world is it fair to be the main breadwinner and still have to deal with 90% of the household stuff. How is it fair that you put up with your husbands unemployment and low earning jobs in the past and now that you need emotional support you're told to suck it up? That's cruel and unfair. 

I think two weeks ago or so I read a post by Sam about how her husband wants a new car, which now means she gets to get a crappier car, cause of course he still refuses to get a higher paying job. I wanted to stab him on her behalf.
 

Once again this is our safe space. This is our place to vent. Your comments are piling on and not conducive to allowing us to have a safe space.

You also aren't hearing right now about those of us whose husband's do their fair share or closer to it because that isn't supportive to those who need support. I also didn't have to train my husband, so I've never had to deal with these problems so I keep my mouth shut and allow my friends to vent and give them a virtual hug when they need it.

[Deleted]

Sept 25, 2018 17:13:24 GMT -5 Poptart said:

@nomoredramaq1015- I don't think there's such a couple but there's a lot of room between perfection and what a lot of you guys put up with. How in the world is it fair to be the main breadwinner and still have to deal with 90% of the household stuff. How is it fair that you put up with your husbands unemployment and low earning jobs in the past and now that you need emotional support you're told to suck it up? That's cruel and unfair. 

I think two weeks ago or so I read a post by Sam about how her husband wants a new car, which now means she gets to get a crappier car, cause of course he still refuses to get a higher paying job. I wanted to stab him on her behalf.
 

Life changes people and their perspectives, and as was pointed out, throwing kids in the mix changes every couples relationship.  It's just that monumental of a thing.  I think it's fair to say that most people were very happy with their spouses at one time or they wouldn't have gotten married in the first place.  If and when that changes, you either figure out a way to "fix" the relationship (together), you deal with it, or you end it.  And let me tell you, choosing to end a marriage no matter how horrible it had gotten at the end is very hard and very painful.  I vented here for nearly 2 years before my divorce was finalized and I was in a physically abusive relationship.  No way would I have ever married someone that punched me in the face, but when the one you marry morphs into that (whether or not it was the fault of you missing the "signs" or not), it takes a lot to just say "I'm out" and walk away...especially with kids in the mix.  

And divorcing isn't always the answer either, it's something that needs to be thought about long and hard, and the boards are a really nice place to bounce your feelings off of others without worrying someone is going to go talk to your spouse.  

[Deleted]

Sept 25, 2018 18:29:48 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

Sept 25, 2018 17:13:24 GMT -5 Poptart said:

@nomoredramaq1015- I don't think there's such a couple but there's a lot of room between perfection and what a lot of you guys put up with. How in the world is it fair to be the main breadwinner and still have to deal with 90% of the household stuff. How is it fair that you put up with your husbands unemployment and low earning jobs in the past and now that you need emotional support you're told to suck it up? That's cruel and unfair. 

I think two weeks ago or so I read a post by Sam about how her husband wants a new car, which now means she gets to get a crappier car, cause of course he still refuses to get a higher paying job. I wanted to stab him on her behalf.
 

Once again this is our safe space. This is our place to vent. Your comments are piling on and not conducive to allowing us to have a safe space.

You also aren't hearing right now about those of us whose husband's do their fair share or closer to it because that isn't supportive to those who need support. I also didn't have to train my husband, so I've never had to deal with these problems so I keep my mouth shut and allow my friends to vent and give them a virtual hug when they need it.

Except for the sleeping with Chinese women thing, Ex 1.0 was actually a really awesome husband as far as doing things around the house.  He would cook and clean and could fix damn near anything.  Of course, all I ever posted about was the whore.  

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Okay, here's my token economy.   If I need to elaborate on something, let me know. 

I started it when DD#1 was about four. My own children are four years, 18 days apart, and I think I started it right before DD#2 was born.  It was only a sticker chart. I'd made a template on Microsoft Publisher, and I'd print it on scratch paper. Eventually, each girl had one. DD#2's started sooner because she wanted to be like her sister. 

At first it was only a daily (mostly morning) list. Brush teeth, read, clean up toys, help set the table, wash face,--stuff for little, little kids. 
When DD got to about age six, I started incorporating more chores and charging her stuff. 
We had cleaning out the dishwasher, sweeping, putting away folded clothes, etc. Eventually having school work done was a part of the requirements.  Each Sunday, which still holds today, I tallied up the stickers and paid DD with the coupons. 

Eventually, each girl had a dry erase board that was a designed as a chore chart for the week. They'd get + and - symbols. The minuses were for being disrespectful or irresponsible (which included not having homework done). 

I printed out on cardstock what we call swizzles. (I'll add a picture in the next post.) The girls were responsible for their own. For the first few years, it said on the swizzle what it could be exchanged for. That stopped eventually as the system was mildly dependent on what was happening in our lives. 

Essentially: 
1 swizzle =
~half an hour of tv, video game, or computer time. 
~play date with friends
~dessert
~one practice for an extra-curricular event
~one quarter
~two swizzles for a game/performance

We stopped using the term and literal swizzles when DD#2 was about 13. She wanted to go to cash-only, and that was okay for her personality. DD#1 couldn't keep track of cash too well, so she did the swizzles and exchanged for cash through 15 and partly into age 16. (She didn't get her license until she was 16 1/2.)

It morphed to now being
~each tally mark equals about 15 minutes worth of work. 
~one tally mark equals $1.50
~paying for phone time
~paying for WiFi
~paying a certain amount toward birthday gifts for friends and sometimes relatives 
~paying for non-essential clothing, school supplies, and gas to events that are not required (as in DH and I pay for gas for them to get to college classes but not a movie with friends)


Again, my goals were to teach my children that everything comes at a cost. DD#2 is 16. She just gave up dancing. She was dancing in three classes that took 20 hours/week. It was "costing" her about $40/month. The actual cost range for DH and I for the last five years (when we transitioned to company dancing) was $3,000 - $7,000 per year. 

I also wanted them to practice budgeting. Once they entered high school, their "bills" were due to me on the first of the month. That was a hard transition--having money for the whole month (a YNAB philosophy). DD#1 had to do more than a few "loans". 

Anyway, I know that's way more rigid than some people want to do with their kids, but it's what I did. It's also not something that works for every kid. In some ways, DD#2 is far more challenging with it, because, until the last six months, she had no need for extra spending money.

I'm sure it will come up in my children's adult therapy sessions. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Sept 25, 2018 18:59:09 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Sept 25, 2018 18:29:48 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

Once again this is our safe space. This is our place to vent. Your comments are piling on and not conducive to allowing us to have a safe space.

You also aren't hearing right now about those of us whose husband's do their fair share or closer to it because that isn't supportive to those who need support. I also didn't have to train my husband, so I've never had to deal with these problems so I keep my mouth shut and allow my friends to vent and give them a virtual hug when they need it.

Except for the sleeping with Chinese women thing, Ex 1.0 was actually a really awesome husband as far as doing things around the house.  He would cook and clean and could fix damn near anything.  Of course, all I ever posted about was the whore.  

Well, that was a pretty big deal.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

From top to bottom, it’s a chronological change in design.

[taz157]

Thanks Knee Deep in Water Chloe!! I really appreciate it. We should be doing something for our 7 year old DD and it definitely is giving me ideas. I really appreciate you sharing that. 😁

[Pants]

Sept 25, 2018 17:13:24 GMT -5 Poptart said:

@nomoredramaq1015- I don't think there's such a couple but there's a lot of room between perfection and what a lot of you guys put up with. How in the world is it fair to be the main breadwinner and still have to deal with 90% of the household stuff. How is it fair that you put up with your husbands unemployment and low earning jobs in the past and now that you need emotional support you're told to suck it up? That's cruel and unfair. 

I think two weeks ago or so I read a post by Sam about how her husband wants a new car, which now means she gets to get a crappier car, cause of course he still refuses to get a higher paying job. I wanted to stab him on her behalf.
 

I would be very unhappy in many of the marriages on this board. I might be happy in others. Other people might be happy in my marriage, or have been rooting for me to leave this dude for years and I've only really come around to it in the last couple of years. There are lots of people in this thread with marriages they are happy with, and I am happy for them. Every person has different deal breakers. I try not to judge the relationships I read about here, because no matter how much I may think someone needs to the shit out of their partner, it's not my relationship, and whatever they are going to do, they aren't going to do it because some stranger on the internet told them to. As a whole, we are smarter than that on this board. 

I do tell women who are considering marriage and kids to look at the research that's been done in this area. Women do substantially more housework and childcare than men. As women's income goes up relative to a man's, they actually do MORE of the housework. Marriage is a much better deal for men than women. Men's happiness goes up, women's doesn't. Men live longer. Men have more leisure time in a marriage than they do before - BECAUSE WOMEN ARE DOING ALL THE WORK. And a lot of the times, it's pretty ok or even reasonably equal until kids come along. For me, marriage changed a lot of things in my relationship. The urge to mimic your idea of a normal marriage, or your version of your parents' marriage, or whatever your cultural conditioning is, is VERY strong. If I had it to do over again, I would skip the marriage and have the kids. Others might advise skipping the kids and having the marriage. 

Do do what you think is best, but honestly, we all did as well. For some of us that has worked out. Others, not so much. Think about what I've posted about the current state of my life, then know that when we got married, the plan was for DH to be a stay at home dad and take care of literally everything I do now. In hindsight, it was a ridiculous plan because he couldn't even mop a floor, but those were the agreements we made. 

Things change. Love blinds people. What people think they want may not end up being what they really want. If this thread changes the way you think about some of the decisions you're making, great.

This thread is an incredible source of wisdom and support, and if the day comes when you are trying to get knocked up, or get knocked up anyway, there's nothing better than this community. If the day comes when you need to celebrate that your husband is the best ever, we are thrilled for you. If it turns out your boyfriend/girlfriend/baby daddy/wife/whatever is an asshole, we got you for that too. Your kid does something cute? Tell us. You're in a fight with the school district? We have thoughts. Custody issues or a rough day at work? We got hugs. 

None one of this life stuff is easy, and having a place to vent or ask questions or get reactions is really valuable. Good luck with your conversations about marriage and family.

[andi9899]

Sept 25, 2018 18:19:34 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

My children are adults and I'm not even married. But I come here to keep up with my old friends and since I have Grandkids and I'm a big part of their lives, I'm still interested in information regarding children.

I'm happy that spouses and parents have a no judgement zone here to talk about some of the things they deal with and get information, advice, and encouragement. I wish I'd had a space like this when my children were young. 

Please, let's not mess that up for the people that feel like sometimes this is the only place they can truly be honest about the struggles or challenges they face with their spouses and/or children.

Same. No husband and grown children. I still vent about them every now and then even though they are adults. And this place will help me deal with grandchildren one day. Hopefully not for a few years, but one day.

Plus I get to see cute baby pics sometimes.

[crazycat]

Sept 25, 2018 19:51:38 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Sept 25, 2018 18:19:34 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

My children are adults and I'm not even married. But I come here to keep up with my old friends and since I have Grandkids and I'm a big part of their lives, I'm still interested in information regarding children.

I'm happy that spouses and parents have a no judgement zone here to talk about some of the things they deal with and get information, advice, and encouragement. I wish I'd had a space like this when my children were young. 

Please, let's not mess that up for the people that feel like sometimes this is the only place they can truly be honest about the struggles or challenges they face with their spouses and/or children.

Same. No husband and grown children. I still vent about them every now and then even though they are adults. And this place will help me deal with grandchildren one day. Hopefully not for a few years, but one day.

Plus I get to see cute baby pics sometimes.

I have a husband but my sons are grown as well . I enjoy coming on here and reading about all the fun , crazy , fantastic, and even crappy stuff other moms (dads too) are going thru . Every 
parent has to find their own way to what works for them and theirs . And if someone on this board can help , that is great . 

[andi9899]

Sept 25, 2018 19:31:37 GMT -5 Pants said:

Sept 25, 2018 17:13:24 GMT -5 Poptart said:

@nomoredramaq1015- I don't think there's such a couple but there's a lot of room between perfection and what a lot of you guys put up with. How in the world is it fair to be the main breadwinner and still have to deal with 90% of the household stuff. How is it fair that you put up with your husbands unemployment and low earning jobs in the past and now that you need emotional support you're told to suck it up? That's cruel and unfair. 

I think two weeks ago or so I read a post by Sam about how her husband wants a new car, which now means she gets to get a crappier car, cause of course he still refuses to get a higher paying job. I wanted to stab him on her behalf.
 

I would be very unhappy in many of the marriages on this board. I might be happy in others. Other people might be happy in my marriage, or have been rooting for me to leave this dude for years and I've only really come around to it in the last couple of years. There are lots of people in this thread with marriages they are happy with, and I am happy for them. Every person has different deal breakers. I try not to judge the relationships I read about here, because no matter how much I may think someone needs to the shit out of their partner, it's not my relationship, and whatever they are going to do, they aren't going to do it because some stranger on the internet told them to. As a whole, we are smarter than that on this board. 

I do tell women who are considering marriage and kids to look at the research that's been done in this area. Women do substantially more housework and childcare than men. As women's income goes up relative to a man's, they actually do MORE of the housework. Marriage is a much better deal for men than women. Men's happiness goes up, women's doesn't. Men live longer. Men have more leisure time in a marriage than they do before - BECAUSE WOMEN ARE DOING ALL THE WORK. And a lot of the times, it's pretty ok or even reasonably equal until kids come along. For me, marriage changed a lot of things in my relationship. The urge to mimic your idea of a normal marriage, or your version of your parents' marriage, or whatever your cultural conditioning is, is VERY strong. If I had it to do over again, I would skip the marriage and have the kids. Others might advise skipping the kids and having the marriage. 

Do do what you think is best, but honestly, we all did as well. For some of us that has worked out. Others, not so much. Think about what I've posted about the current state of my life, then know that when we got married, the plan was for DH to be a stay at home dad and take care of literally everything I do now. In hindsight, it was a ridiculous plan because he couldn't even mop a floor, but those were the agreements we made. 

Things change. Love blinds people. What people think they want may not end up being what they really want. If this thread changes the way you think about some of the decisions you're making, great.

This thread is an incredible source of wisdom and support, and if the day comes when you are trying to get knocked up, or get knocked up anyway, there's nothing better than this community. If the day comes when you need to celebrate that your husband is the best ever, we are thrilled for you. If it turns out your boyfriend/girlfriend/baby daddy/wife/whatever is an asshole, we got you for that too. Your kid does something cute? Tell us. You're in a fight with the school district? We have thoughts. Custody issues or a rough day at work? We got hugs. 

None one of this life stuff is easy, and having a place to vent or ask questions or get reactions is really valuable. Good luck with your conversations about marriage and family.

This. I would hide a body for any of you girls. ♥️

[andi9899]

So my baby is turning 19 on Sunday. I remember her being a sweet little baby. She was so cute. Where has the time gone?