The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[gs11rmb]

Sorry Lizard Queen - that's rough.

[cktc]

I can't believe they can ban lunchables! Maybe get a bento box and just take them out of the packaging. Not sure how to help with the teacher. You really need patience to work with younger kids and it doesn't sound like she has it.

[muttleynfelix]

I am literally shaking right now I am so angry. An older guy from church just posted a meme about how every man is now at risk of having his life ruined by claims of sexual assault because of the Kavenaugh accusations. I am livid. I reamed him out about it. He better not have gone through our sexual abuse training and still have that attitude! There has to be an accusation to do an investigation and you CAN'T just discount it because you "know the guy".

One of his buddies said he was accused of sexual harassment for saying hi to a woman in the hallway. Who wants to get he actually said something inappropriate?Because that is where I am at on all this. My first inclination now is to say, you probably did it and didn't even know you did it.

[swamp]

Sept 25, 2018 10:03:20 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

I am literally shaking right now I am so angry. An older guy from church just posted a meme about how every man is now at risk of having his life ruined by claims of sexual assault because of the Kavenaugh accusations. I am livid. I reamed him out about it. He better not have gone through our sexual abuse training and still have that attitude! There has to be an accusation to do an investigation and you CAN'T just discount it because you "know the guy".

One of his buddies said he was accused of sexual harassment for saying hi to a woman in the hallway. Who wants to get he actually said something inappropriate?Because that is where I am at on all this. My first inclination now is to say, you probably did it and didn't even know you did it.

Yeah, I saw a cop post it too.

Completely inappropriate.     I'm certainly not going to be reporting sexual abuse to him. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Hot lunchable. ::shudder:::

[muttleynfelix]

Sept 25, 2018 10:10:39 GMT -5 swamp said:

Sept 25, 2018 10:03:20 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

I am literally shaking right now I am so angry. An older guy from church just posted a meme about how every man is now at risk of having his life ruined by claims of sexual assault because of the Kavenaugh accusations. I am livid. I reamed him out about it. He better not have gone through our sexual abuse training and still have that attitude! There has to be an accusation to do an investigation and you CAN'T just discount it because you "know the guy".

One of his buddies said he was accused of sexual harassment for saying hi to a woman in the hallway. Who wants to get he actually said something inappropriate?Because that is where I am at on all this. My first inclination now is to say, you probably did it and didn't even know you did it.

Yeah, I saw a copy post it too.

Completely inappropriate.     I'm certainly not going to be reporting sexual abuse to him. 

Well he deleted it. The funny thing was that he had a post about just wanting Facebook to be about connecting with friends. Well, stop posting inflammatory comments and it will be about friends. Facebook is what you make of it.

[chen35]

Sept 25, 2018 10:03:20 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

I am literally shaking right now I am so angry. An older guy from church just posted a meme about how every man is now at risk of having his life ruined by claims of sexual assault because of the Kavenaugh accusations. I am livid. I reamed him out about it. He better not have gone through our sexual abuse training and still have that attitude! There has to be an accusation to do an investigation and you CAN'T just discount it because you "know the guy".

One of his buddies said he was accused of sexual harassment for saying hi to a woman in the hallway. Who wants to get he actually said something inappropriate?Because that is where I am at on all this. My first inclination now is to say, you probably did it and didn't even know you did it.

My response to this is usually something along the lines of “yeah, it sucks to live in fear that someone can just ruin your life and there is nothing you can do about. As a woman, I’ve lived with that fear every single day of my life. Every time I go for a run, every time I get in an elevator with a man I don’t know, every time I’m walking alone to my car in the dark. So I don’t really feel bad if men now share in a little bit of fear, especially since the chances of a man being falsely accused of something are still far lower than my chances of being assaulted”

[Lizard Queen]

Sept 25, 2018 10:13:14 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Hot lunchable. ::shudder:::

There are ones that you can make little pizzas, with the dough, sauce and cheese.  The other is like a chicken nugget.  I think they're all kind of gross, but I'd rather the kid eat something than not eat all day (besides for a couple snacks loaded with carbs).

[muttleynfelix]

Sept 25, 2018 9:21:42 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

In a clash with my son's kindergarten teacher.  DS is loathe to ever ask for help with anything.  So much so, that it is a real problem.  Instead he'll act out in a variety of maladaptive ways.  So please, for the love of God, if he ends up asking for help don't make him feel bad about it!  

I have had problems with him just not eating his lunch he brings with him to daycare, then being a wreck when I pick home up at the end of the day.  So far, 3+ weeks into school, the kid has gotten 2 hot lunches, and brought lunchables from home the rest of the time.  The first day, hot lunch was pancakes, which he loves.  He must not have eaten much of anything, as he was a wreck and he said he didn't like them.  Now that I think about, he probably had a hard time cutting pieces off.  So, except for mac and cheese day, he's done just fine with the lunchables I'd been sending...until the day I packed his brother a pizza lunchable.  I knew YDS had problems opening the sauce, and they were a mess anyway, so no way in hell I was sending one of those with him to school!  His teacher sent out an email banning lunchables (can she even freaking do that?), saying they're too hard for the kids to open and there's not enough microwaves for them to heat them up. Um, my kids never have wanted then heated up.  But, sure enough, the kids' lunches got switched somehow, and neither one was very happy about it.  SInce I have a stack of them in my fridge, I wanted to use the rest up.  Only yesterday, the kid brought his lunch home uneaten!  Just wonderful.     The one lunch I could count on with that kid.  I wrote a note.  She's not going to be happy, but making a mountain out of this molehill means he's less likely ever to come to you for help, lady, and I guarantee you're going to end up regretting that sometime, if you ever recognize what the problem really is, that is.  He'll get frustrated and shut down, or hide, or lash out, or keep going until he destroys something.

That sucks. Do they eat lunch in their classrooms? Our school does volunteers at lunch and the volunteers help open things, get ketchup, tell the kids where to sit, etc. The lunchroom is really too small for the number of kids at the school and the shifts are really tight, so the volunteers are the main way the school helps the kids get through lunch in a timely manner.

[raeoflyte]

Sept 24, 2018 20:05:29 GMT -5 azucena said:

Sept 24, 2018 19:59:08 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

This is pretty much what I do.  The hall closet door keeps a whiteboard calendar for month, and a separate one for the week to keep track of activities.  Then I have my laminated morning, evening, and daily list on the door too.  It's time to make a new one, but I started it to help me in the mornings and also so that dh didn't have an excuse to start asking me what was done and not done when I was late for work and trying to get out of the house.  It's been about a year, and the weekly list still isn't done by or brought up by anyone but me, but the morning and evening routines are actually done on a regular basis and not just by me.  Dishes, laundry, beds made...So painfully simple and obvious, but the list has definitely helped.  

Ok, I totally need you to post those lists pretty pretty please. After our last round of this argument several months ago, dh suggested the list.

Hopefully this isn't huge.  It definitely isn't fancy and desperately needs updating.  

Sept 24, 2018 20:13:37 GMT -5 azucena said:

We missed our family calendar mtg during sun lunch so DD10 asked to have it at dinner because it really helps her to lay out her portion of the weeks schedule too.



Tomorrow she has a volleyball game at 5. Dh asks should I leave work at 4 and meet you at the game and if so which school and what's the address. Dude, this is like the 5th game of the season and dd always has to be there 30 mins before so yes you drive straight there and you figure out where there is by opening your calendar and clicking on the event I sent you weeks ago with location populated so you can just click on it and use your phones gps.



Now, I better go figure out if her uniform is clean and kneepads, snack, and water are packed. Things she's supposed to do herself but she is already in bed.

I like the idea of a formal meeting.  We have multiple calendars (the monthly one, and the weekly one on the door are what we plan by and then use Cozi for scheduling), and I feel like we're always talking about who's going where, but we still have a lot of same day moments where we are asking my folks to watch 1 kid while the other goes to an activity that we've always known about. 

Sept 24, 2018 20:13:39 GMT -5 tcu2003 said:

Sept 24, 2018 19:48:24 GMT -5 Pants said:

My husband is awesome at a lot of things, but not so much at household management (outside of typical “male” dominated things like lawn/yard and home repair type maintenance things). Every once in a while he’ll tell me he can do x, y or z cleanup/organizing task because he needs me to give input - nope, nope, nope. You’re a grown adult - you can go through the mail pile or stack of kids papers or whatever without me. If it’s truly questionable, make a small pile for me to go through, but I don’t need to look at every dang thing.



Also, rereading the cartoon reminded me I need to find a shared app that we can put the grocery/shopping list on. I hate that I’m the only one that keeps it.

Right?!?  I realize I have contributed to the issue for a long time, but dh was so hurt when I told him I needed him to be more of a problem solver and not just a problem finder but it's exactly because of that kind of crap.  He has 2 degrees, and advanced certification and his coworkers call him Yoda.  I'm thinking he's capable of figuring out how to find and hire a mechanic when the car sounds off, or a million other things that just need to be done in the same amount of time that it takes to explain the issue to me and then complain that I didn't ask all the right questions.  

We use cozi for grocery lists and an online calendar.  It could use some improving, but is a way to have a grocery list we both have access to.  

Sept 24, 2018 20:47:54 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Sept 24, 2018 10:01:46 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

My tokens were made out of cardstock using a business card template on Microsoft Publisher. We called them swizzles. My system was/is pretty extensive, but I'll elaborate if anyone actually wants me to. It morphed as my kids matured. My goals were to teach my kids budgeting and that "fun" actually costs money. 

Yes, please!  I know you've posted it before.  I just wasn't quite ready. 

Sept 24, 2018 21:13:40 GMT -5 azucena said:

He thinks I will find something else to pick on him about.

I will say that this has been true for dh and I.  He didn't do anything to help me until C was born, and when he was he took over C's room and owned laundry, cleaning, organizing, etc (but just in C's room).  It was 100% more effort than he had ever given on a consistent basis and I was more angry with him about the lack of help than I had ever been before.  Counseling did help he and I talk through this.  Now he helps with the list for daily stuff, and sometimes when I ask for another project he gets it done quickly (he cleaned up the patio on Sunday, and I asked him to do that on Sunday).  It still isn't enough for me, but a lot of that boils down to the fact that I still own all the tasks.  I really want him to own 50% of stuff.  But we started out with such a huge inequity that even his 100% more efforts aren't getting him to that 50%, so I'm frustrated that everything has fallen to me for decades, and he's frustrated that nothing he does is ever enough.  


Speaking of counseling, while it can be great, it can be really, really terrible too.  I saw a therapist on my own when I was about 19 and I brought up to her my frustrations that dh didn't help around the house and she told me that if it was important to me to have something done that I needed to do it myself and not ask dh to change who he was--and then told me about flylady.net.  I didn't realize how f'd up that advice was until C was born 10 years later--and queue all of our issues.  

Sept 24, 2018 13:22:13 GMT -5 azucena said:

We ended up being pretty busy yesterday and so it was easier just to ignore him a bit.  We are actually headed for a marriage retreat in a couple of weeks.  We had to each individually take a pretty long questionnaire for which we will get some kind of analyzed results so that may be interesting.  We tried counseling a few years ago but the counselor "wouldn't take sides" and say that his gaming is unhealthy so that led him to believe that it's just a typical hobby.

I'd love to hear what you think of the retreat.  When we did counseling fairly successfully what I kept asking for were building blocks for starting over.  We weren't ever going to be the people we were pre-baby, so maybe we could try to get to know who we each were now and build a relationship from that.  No one could ever help with that.  We're at a different spot now than we were then, but taking martial arts together has been the best thing for us. 

[Lizard Queen]

Sept 25, 2018 10:29:46 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

Sept 25, 2018 9:21:42 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

In a clash with my son's kindergarten teacher.  DS is loathe to ever ask for help with anything.  So much so, that it is a real problem.  Instead he'll act out in a variety of maladaptive ways.  So please, for the love of God, if he ends up asking for help don't make him feel bad about it!  

I have had problems with him just not eating his lunch he brings with him to daycare, then being a wreck when I pick home up at the end of the day.  So far, 3+ weeks into school, the kid has gotten 2 hot lunches, and brought lunchables from home the rest of the time.  The first day, hot lunch was pancakes, which he loves.  He must not have eaten much of anything, as he was a wreck and he said he didn't like them.  Now that I think about, he probably had a hard time cutting pieces off.  So, except for mac and cheese day, he's done just fine with the lunchables I'd been sending...until the day I packed his brother a pizza lunchable.  I knew YDS had problems opening the sauce, and they were a mess anyway, so no way in hell I was sending one of those with him to school!  His teacher sent out an email banning lunchables (can she even freaking do that?), saying they're too hard for the kids to open and there's not enough microwaves for them to heat them up. Um, my kids never have wanted then heated up.  But, sure enough, the kids' lunches got switched somehow, and neither one was very happy about it.  SInce I have a stack of them in my fridge, I wanted to use the rest up.  Only yesterday, the kid brought his lunch home uneaten!  Just wonderful.     The one lunch I could count on with that kid.  I wrote a note.  She's not going to be happy, but making a mountain out of this molehill means he's less likely ever to come to you for help, lady, and I guarantee you're going to end up regretting that sometime, if you ever recognize what the problem really is, that is.  He'll get frustrated and shut down, or hide, or lash out, or keep going until he destroys something.

That sucks. Do they eat lunch in their classrooms? Our school does volunteers at lunch and the volunteers help open things, get ketchup, tell the kids where to sit, etc. The lunchroom is really too small for the number of kids at the school and the shifts are really tight, so the volunteers are the main way the school helps the kids get through lunch in a timely manner.

No, half the grades have lunch in the gym at a time.  The teachers and some helpers help with lunches a bit and make sure kindergartners each eat one thing.  I can understand they're not wanting to do too much with many kids, but they don't have to make my kid feel bad for a mistake I unintentionally made.  How about making him feel like it was no big deal, and we can cope the curveball?

Yesterday my kid ate just his nutrigrain bar for lunch because I sent one of the remaining chicken dunks and she told him they weren't allowed.  That was just a snack to supplement if his regular lunch isn't enough.  

[raeoflyte]

Sept 25, 2018 10:41:35 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Sept 25, 2018 10:29:46 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

That sucks. Do they eat lunch in their classrooms? Our school does volunteers at lunch and the volunteers help open things, get ketchup, tell the kids where to sit, etc. The lunchroom is really too small for the number of kids at the school and the shifts are really tight, so the volunteers are the main way the school helps the kids get through lunch in a timely manner.

No, half the grades have lunch in the gym at a time.  The teachers and some helpers help with lunches a bit and make sure kindergartners each eat one thing.  I can understand they're not wanting to do too much with many kids, but they don't have to make my kid feel bad for a mistake I unintentionally made.  How about making him feel like it was no big deal, and we can cope the curveball?

Yesterday my kid ate just his nutrigrain bar for lunch because I sent one of the remaining chicken dunks and she told him they weren't allowed.  That was just a snack to supplement if his regular lunch isn't enough.  

Yeah, that's crappy.  I can see not having a microwave available for kids during lunch, but if the kids lunch isn't allowed, then take him to the cafeteria and get hot lunch or the sunflower butter sandwich or something.  

[Deleted]

Carrot does not have very good manual dexterity for food things (which is weird because he's quite good at piano), so I pack things that are pre cut up.   I use a Bento box and take granola bars out of packages, give cheese cubes, summer sausage, mini bell peppers, apple slices...basically just all finger food that doesn't need to be heated up to maximize the amount of food he can get in during the time they have (they only have 2 microwaves for all the kids and a 20 minute lunch).

He's been on a hot lunch kick lately though, which I prefer.

[gs11rmb]

Lizard Queen I've thought about this some more. 

1.    I'm pretty sure the teacher can't ban foods in a public school. 

2.    I can see her point about them being difficult to open.  My 6 year old first grader can't peel back the tight plastic cover.

3.   I tried making my own lunchables using fresh deli ham and decent cheese.  They didn't like them at all 

4.    I know it's an extra step but why not try cktc's suggestion of creating a bento box with the lunchables inside.  They are easy to open, your kid will eat, and the teacher will be happy.  Everybody wins!

[gacpa]

Azucena,

I respect you for hanging in there with your spouse.  I have been married 35 years.  My best wishes to you and your family.  My husband will help if I ask him to, but I always have to ask.  That is what gets me sometimes.  But I will get over it, he has many good qualities too.

My son is a gamer.  I have accepted he will probably never marry or have kids.  He does hold down a job and is set to move out sometime in late October, early November.  He is going to have to give up some gaming time so he can keep up the house and the chores that go with living on your own.  He is pretty good about keeping his bills paid and he understands he has to assume responsibility for his finances.

I have tried my best to raise my son and my husband to be fully functioning adult human beings.  I won't give up.

[Lizard Queen]

Sept 25, 2018 10:55:11 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Lizard Queen I've thought about this some more. 

1.    I'm pretty sure the teacher can't ban foods in a public school. 

2.    I can see her point about them being difficult to open.  My 6 year old first grader can't peel back the tight plastic cover.

3.   I tried making my own lunchables using fresh deli ham and decent cheese.  They didn't like them at all 

4.    I know it's an extra step but why not try cktc 's suggestion of creating a bento box with the lunchables inside.  They are easy to open, your kid will eat, and the teacher will be happy.  Everybody wins!

1. I don't think that she can either.  The point is now moot, however.  Because she told DS he can't have them, he won't ever eat them again even if she tells him he now can.  He's that stubborn.
2. My son is unusually strong and has opened and eaten them on his own all summer, often when I didn't want him to.
3/4.  The meat cheese & crackers ones, he'll just eat a chunk of cheese and a couple crackers, leaving the rest and maybe eating the cookie (or not).  The chicken dunks are the only ones hell eat consistently, and the sauce is right in the container, so I'd have to spoon it out of there, into another that I'd have to wash.  It makes something super simple and easy into a bit of a pita.

[gs11rmb]

Lizard Queen will he eat the school lunch?

[Pants]

Sept 25, 2018 11:03:54 GMT -5 gacpa said:

Azucena,

I respect you for hanging in there with your spouse.  I have been married 35 years.  My best wishes to you and your family.  My husband will help if I ask him to, but I always have to ask.  That is what gets me sometimes.  But I will get over it, he has many good qualities too.

I have tried my best to raise my son and my husband to be fully functioning adult human beings.  I won't give up.

And here's the problem - why is it OUR JOB to RAISE OUR HUSBANDS to be fully functional adults?

It isn't. And yet here we are.

[Lizard Queen]

Sept 25, 2018 11:21:20 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Lizard Queen will he eat the school lunch?

Occasionally, but this kid is extremely fussy and will starve himself vs eating something he doesn't really like.  I'm trying to get both my kids eating it when I see something on the menu I think they'll like. I thought he'd love the pancakes, but that was a massive failure.  I think they liked the mac n cheese, but that's a once a month sort of thing at their school.

[muttleynfelix]

Sept 25, 2018 11:23:14 GMT -5 Pants said:

Sept 25, 2018 11:03:54 GMT -5 gacpa said:

Azucena,

I respect you for hanging in there with your spouse.  I have been married 35 years.  My best wishes to you and your family.  My husband will help if I ask him to, but I always have to ask.  That is what gets me sometimes.  But I will get over it, he has many good qualities too.

I have tried my best to raise my son and my husband to be fully functioning adult human beings.  I won't give up.

And here's the problem - why is it OUR JOB to RAISE OUR HUSBANDS to be fully functional adults?

It isn't. And yet here we are.

Which is why my husband and I work so hard with Ben to make sure he can function on his own. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. We are pushing really hard so that he can function in this world. I know he is only 8, but I believe it starts young.

[azucena]

raeoflyte - the formal mtgs have been great.  DH and I each sit iwht our phone calendars and DD10 uses her school planner to write down items pertaining to her.  This week we added in her stating which days she has a test so we can remind her to prep in the prior days.  It also helps with we will need a bday present for this day and special food for this day so hopefully we can combine these into regular errands instead of their own stops.  I may buy DD6 her own planner so she can start participating more.

Forgot to add - your list is very helpful.  I'm going to adapt it to match our needs but having yours to start from will def save me time.

[Pants]

Quoting Rae here: 

Right?!? I realize I have contributed to the issue for a long time, but dh was so hurt when I told him I needed him to be more of a problem solver and not just a problem finder but it's exactly because of that kind of crap. He has 2 degrees, and advanced certification and his coworkers call him Yoda. I'm thinking he's capable of figuring out how to find and hire a mechanic when the car sounds off, or a million other things that just need to be done in the same amount of time that it takes to explain the issue to me and then complain that I didn't ask all the right questions

A list of things my DH says regularly that makes me want to kill him: 
1) "PAAAAAAAANTS!" In this certain tone of voice that is panicked but trying to sound calm. This is always related to an injury or illness in one of the children or animals. Then he says "Take a look at this" or "Feel this." Then he just stands there and waits for me to tell him what to do. Please note, I have zero medical training, and my sole qualification for making decisions about these things is that I'm the wife and therefore the boss of caretaking. Ok, the kid has a fever WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?!?! 
2) "So, what should we cook this week?" Because I'm the only one who can possibly plan meals. The other day I had texted him a recipe and asked him to chop vegetables, and he stood there in the kitchen for like 5 minutes until he finally said, "Well, how much of each thing to we need?" I TEXTED YOU THE RECIPE. MAYHAPS IT WILL CONTAIN A CLUE. 
3) "So, what cleaning stuff do we need to do this weekend?" Aka, you're the boss of managing the house, I can't possibly look at a toilet and think to scrub it all by myself! What if I scrubbed a toilet and it didn't actually need to be cleaned and then I've wasted my precious time! (No toilet in this house has ever not needed to be scrubbed.) 
4) "Do the girls need more X?" Aka, I can't look in a closet or drawer to figure things out myself, you, as designated caretaker, are naturally more suited to knowing whether or not B has enough long-sleeve shirts for fall, or whether we are out of children's Tylenol.
5)  "The lawnmower battery is dead." He's made himself default yard caretaker, obviously, because *MAN JOB* but also he is FUCKING TERRIBLE at it and our yard looks like shit ALL THE TIME and somehow every time it's time to mow the lawn (field of weeds), the battery on the mower has died. It's not like this happens all the time and could be planned for in advance by charging it the night before. Also, even though our yard looks like hell all the time, he's literally never once taken the time to figure out what would make it *not* look like shit, like aerating and seeding the lawn, or pulling weeds. He mows the lawn sometimes, how does the house not look like something out of home and garden?!?! Such a mystery. 
6) "Does this go in the dryer?" Dude. The item of clothing you're holding in your hand has a tag inside it detailing these kinds of things. It took you 2x longer to walk your ass up from the basement holding a wet piece of clothing to ask me what to do with it than it would to just read the tag. 
7) "X happened." Doesn't matter what X is - a tree fell down in the yard, there's water in the basement, the dishwasher broke, whatever. Just tells me it happened and waits for me to decide what to do with that information. 

It it is FUCKING EXHAUSTING. 

[raeoflyte]

Anecdotally I feel like nature has a bigger impact than we know.  Dh wasn't raised or conditioned as a boy so it doesn't seem like he should be so typical in that regard.  I see it in my kids too...E takes initiative to learn and help with things around the house (and other peoples houses, and even the dojo when she has to stay an extra hour for my class--she asks Sensei if she can help with cleaning).  C on the other hand has to have specific instructions and be "made" to help.  They pick up on queues from us too, and maybe their internalizing our bad habits, but it definitely feels like personality differences.  

[tcu2003]

Sept 25, 2018 10:18:16 GMT -5 chen35 said:

Sept 25, 2018 10:03:20 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

I am literally shaking right now I am so angry. An older guy from church just posted a meme about how every man is now at risk of having his life ruined by claims of sexual assault because of the Kavenaugh accusations. I am livid. I reamed him out about it. He better not have gone through our sexual abuse training and still have that attitude! There has to be an accusation to do an investigation and you CAN'T just discount it because you "know the guy".

One of his buddies said he was accused of sexual harassment for saying hi to a woman in the hallway. Who wants to get he actually said something inappropriate?Because that is where I am at on all this. My first inclination now is to say, you probably did it and didn't even know you did it.

My response to this is usually something along the lines of “yeah, it sucks to live in fear that someone can just ruin your life and there is nothing you can do about. As a woman, I’ve lived with that fear every single day of my life. Every time I go for a run, every time I get in an elevator with a man I don’t know, every time I’m walking alone to my car in the dark. So I don’t really feel bad if men now share in a little bit of fear, especially since the chances of a man being falsely accused of something are still far lower than my chances of being assaulted”

I am seriously going to steal this. The dad of one of my college gfs posted something similar about hashtag him too, and I’m livid.

[gacpa]

And here's the problem - why is it OUR JOB to RAISE OUR HUSBANDS to be fully functional adults? 

I used to ask my mom this question. She told me to get over it. She said at least one of us has to step up and be responsible. She told me to be glad one of us was capable of being responsible.  So I gave up asking and went on about my business.  I learned to ask for help if I need it.  He thinks I don't need help unless I ask for it, thus he waits for me to get overloaded before helping. 

Everything you say in post 76911 above is true for me as well, he always waits on me to start the process of getting things done and asks questions when the answer already seems obvious to me. 

[Pants]

Sept 25, 2018 12:24:44 GMT -5 gacpa said:

And here's the problem - why is it OUR JOB to RAISE OUR HUSBANDS to be fully functional adults? 

I used to ask my mom this question. She told me to get over it. She said at least one of us has to step up and be responsible. She told me to be glad one of us was capable of being responsible.  So I gave up asking and went on about my business.  I learned to ask for help if I need it.  He thinks I don't need help unless I ask for it, thus he waits for me to get overloaded before helping. 

Everything you say in post 76911 above is true for me as well, he always waits on me to start the process of getting things done and asks questions when the answer already seems obvious to me. 

No disrespect to your mother, but fuck that.

[raeoflyte]

Sept 25, 2018 12:01:47 GMT -5 azucena said:

raeoflyte - the formal mtgs have been great.  DH and I each sit iwht our phone calendars and DD10 uses her school planner to write down items pertaining to her.  This week we added in her stating which days she has a test so we can remind her to prep in the prior days.  It also helps with we will need a bday present for this day and special food for this day so hopefully we can combine these into regular errands instead of their own stops.  I may buy DD6 her own planner so she can start participating more.

Forgot to add - your list is very helpful.  I'm going to adapt it to match our needs but having yours to start from will def save me time.

That's awesome.  I need to figure out when a good time to do that would be.  C has a school planner now too and having him bring his school planner would be amazing.  

[raeoflyte]

Sept 25, 2018 12:04:25 GMT -5 Pants said:

Quoting Rae here: 

Right?!? I realize I have contributed to the issue for a long time, but dh was so hurt when I told him I needed him to be more of a problem solver and not just a problem finder but it's exactly because of that kind of crap. He has 2 degrees, and advanced certification and his coworkers call him Yoda. I'm thinking he's capable of figuring out how to find and hire a mechanic when the car sounds off, or a million other things that just need to be done in the same amount of time that it takes to explain the issue to me and then complain that I didn't ask all the right questions

A list of things my DH says regularly that makes me want to kill him: 
1) "PAAAAAAAANTS!" In this certain tone of voice that is panicked but trying to sound calm. This is always related to an injury or illness in one of the children or animals. Then he says "Take a look at this" or "Feel this." Then he just stands there and waits for me to tell him what to do. Please note, I have zero medical training, and my sole qualification for making decisions about these things is that I'm the wife and therefore the boss of caretaking. Ok, the kid has a fever WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?!?! 
2) "So, what should we cook this week?" Because I'm the only one who can possibly plan meals. The other day I had texted him a recipe and asked him to chop vegetables, and he stood there in the kitchen for like 5 minutes until he finally said, "Well, how much of each thing to we need?" I TEXTED YOU THE RECIPE. MAYHAPS IT WILL CONTAIN A CLUE. 
3) "So, what cleaning stuff do we need to do this weekend?" Aka, you're the boss of managing the house, I can't possibly look at a toilet and think to scrub it all by myself! What if I scrubbed a toilet and it didn't actually need to be cleaned and then I've wasted my precious time! (No toilet in this house has ever not needed to be scrubbed.) 
4) "Do the girls need more X?" Aka, I can't look in a closet or drawer to figure things out myself, you, as designated caretaker, are naturally more suited to knowing whether or not B has enough long-sleeve shirts for fall, or whether we are out of children's Tylenol.
5)  "The lawnmower battery is dead." He's made himself default yard caretaker, obviously, because *MAN JOB* but also he is FUCKING TERRIBLE at it and our yard looks like shit ALL THE TIME and somehow every time it's time to mow the lawn (field of weeds), the battery on the mower has died. It's not like this happens all the time and could be planned for in advance by charging it the night before. Also, even though our yard looks like hell all the time, he's literally never once taken the time to figure out what would make it *not* look like shit, like aerating and seeding the lawn, or pulling weeds. He mows the lawn sometimes, how does the house not look like something out of home and garden?!?! Such a mystery. 
6) "Does this go in the dryer?" Dude. The item of clothing you're holding in your hand has a tag inside it detailing these kinds of things. It took you 2x longer to walk your ass up from the basement holding a wet piece of clothing to ask me what to do with it than it would to just read the tag. 
7) "X happened." Doesn't matter what X is - a tree fell down in the yard, there's water in the basement, the dishwasher broke, whatever. Just tells me it happened and waits for me to decide what to do with that information. 

It it is FUCKING EXHAUSTING. 

quoting just so I can like it again.  It is exhausting and baffling why it is so common.  

[swamp]

Sept 25, 2018 12:38:35 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Sept 25, 2018 12:04:25 GMT -5 Pants said:

Quoting Rae here: 

Right?!? I realize I have contributed to the issue for a long time, but dh was so hurt when I told him I needed him to be more of a problem solver and not just a problem finder but it's exactly because of that kind of crap. He has 2 degrees, and advanced certification and his coworkers call him Yoda. I'm thinking he's capable of figuring out how to find and hire a mechanic when the car sounds off, or a million other things that just need to be done in the same amount of time that it takes to explain the issue to me and then complain that I didn't ask all the right questions

A list of things my DH says regularly that makes me want to kill him: 
1) "PAAAAAAAANTS!" In this certain tone of voice that is panicked but trying to sound calm. This is always related to an injury or illness in one of the children or animals. Then he says "Take a look at this" or "Feel this." Then he just stands there and waits for me to tell him what to do. Please note, I have zero medical training, and my sole qualification for making decisions about these things is that I'm the wife and therefore the boss of caretaking. Ok, the kid has a fever WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?!?! 
2) "So, what should we cook this week?" Because I'm the only one who can possibly plan meals. The other day I had texted him a recipe and asked him to chop vegetables, and he stood there in the kitchen for like 5 minutes until he finally said, "Well, how much of each thing to we need?" I TEXTED YOU THE RECIPE. MAYHAPS IT WILL CONTAIN A CLUE. 
3) "So, what cleaning stuff do we need to do this weekend?" Aka, you're the boss of managing the house, I can't possibly look at a toilet and think to scrub it all by myself! What if I scrubbed a toilet and it didn't actually need to be cleaned and then I've wasted my precious time! (No toilet in this house has ever not needed to be scrubbed.) 
4) "Do the girls need more X?" Aka, I can't look in a closet or drawer to figure things out myself, you, as designated caretaker, are naturally more suited to knowing whether or not B has enough long-sleeve shirts for fall, or whether we are out of children's Tylenol.
5)  "The lawnmower battery is dead." He's made himself default yard caretaker, obviously, because *MAN JOB* but also he is FUCKING TERRIBLE at it and our yard looks like shit ALL THE TIME and somehow every time it's time to mow the lawn (field of weeds), the battery on the mower has died. It's not like this happens all the time and could be planned for in advance by charging it the night before. Also, even though our yard looks like hell all the time, he's literally never once taken the time to figure out what would make it *not* look like shit, like aerating and seeding the lawn, or pulling weeds. He mows the lawn sometimes, how does the house not look like something out of home and garden?!?! Such a mystery. 
6) "Does this go in the dryer?" Dude. The item of clothing you're holding in your hand has a tag inside it detailing these kinds of things. It took you 2x longer to walk your ass up from the basement holding a wet piece of clothing to ask me what to do with it than it would to just read the tag. 
7) "X happened." Doesn't matter what X is - a tree fell down in the yard, there's water in the basement, the dishwasher broke, whatever. Just tells me it happened and waits for me to decide what to do with that information. 

It it is FUCKING EXHAUSTING. 

quoting just so I can like it again.  It is exhausting and baffling why it is so common.  

me too.  

[flamingo]

My DH's favorite thing to make "my problem" is What Do We Need From The Grocery Store. He has literally done 95% of the grocery shopping for 95% of our marriage. I have no earthly idea if we are out of butter, chips, popcorn, cereal, or yogurt on a regular basis. It's one thing to text me and say "hey I'm going to the store later, is there anything you want to add to the list?" because there are times I need something and it's great he's there and can grab it and save me a stop. But to ask me while he is shopping (and I'm usually at work or somewhere else not at home) if I remember what is on the list, do we need ABC, etc is asinine. You have taken this on, told me it's your chore more times than i can count, so please just do it.