The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[oped]

Aug 27, 2018 11:32:54 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Off topic but I’m already starting to research summer camps for next year. My mom should be retired and living in state by the time DS is out next summer. That plus X’s parents should help to alleviate the care costs. But we can’t just have him at Grandma and Grandpa’s all day all summer. The Y is out, so I’ve been checking out other more reputable camps in our area. Just 4 weeks at the three I looked at is $4000!!!! Four weeks!!! And that doesn’t include before or after care!!!! Our aftercare bill for school is about $2700 for the year. So if we can eliminate that using our parents as care options, his camp would be the only care cost for the year. If we do the full day 4 week option, $4000 for the year isn’t bad. Unfortunately that cost will have come within the same calendar year as the $300/mo aftercare. So if we go that route, 2019 will be pretty expensive as far as DS’s care goes. I already know X is going to immediately say no way to the pricey camps, but those are the ones with qualified teachers and more structured activities that DS truly needs.

Daughter went to 4 week away camp, full meals and short camping/side trips... and it was only around 4500... I think that's pricey for day camps, but I don't know your area. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Aug 27, 2018 10:16:26 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Aug 27, 2018 8:02:54 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

My mom whooped my ass plenty of times, but it backfired on her bigtime.

This is dh's parents.  They'd tell you he turned out fine because he's employed, married, kids, etc.  But they don't see any of the emotional issues they left behind.  Though, they can't imagine why he doesn't come over more often.  Being functional isn't the same as healthy and okay.  

Not to mention, how do you teach not to hit...by hitting... That has never made sense to me.  Not that I haven't had those moments when I wondered if spanking was my only option, but once I walked away from the anger so far I have found one.  

Chapeau -- I really don't want E doing cheer.  I think there are way too many other things wrapped up with cheer that I don't want for her, and if the coach has that kind of attitude I'd take a hard pass.  E doesn't want to go back to gymnastics because of her last instructor like that.  

That's my brother minus the married, employed and kids.   However my parents do see the problems and have often lamented that they did not do things differently.   They did what was done when they were kids, it's only with hindsight they realized that was not the best approach.

Pretty much my whole parenting philosophy boils down to not turning the kids into my brother.  So corporeal punishment is out.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I miss the sliding doors. My Traverse is great but I miss them.

I love the ninja gym for the kids. Yeah, they can still get hurt. C's hands are a mess due to blisters. And it's not a workout if I don't tweak something so it's not just the kids.

[muttleynfelix]

Aug 24, 2018 12:19:58 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

What if?

Have you ever gone through “what If” in regards to timing of having kids?

Between last Saturday being Family reunion and us celebrating our 10th Wedding Anniversary I have been going through some major “what if”:

What if we had kids at 25-26 like we wanted?
How about 28?
Or right after we got married?

I think it is seeing other friends celebrating the same milestone with 6-8 year old kids or cousin that got married 1 day after me with 4 kids already....

A lot has happened in those 10 years and a lot I would not change.... but sometimes I wonder if the desire to wait till we had everything just right was the “wrong one”.

Not that 32-33 is too old to have a kid but like my wife best friend put it: you had your first when most people are having their second or third.

My cousins will be in their 40’s when their kid leave off for college... I will be 50. I guess that is better than 70 like my dad ...

No, but DH and I had a relatively small window in which we agreed to have kids. I had to pass my Professional Engineer's exam and DH had to be less than 50. DS was born 12 months after i found out I passed my exam. DD was born 3 years later when DH was 48. So, we had 2 years left in our window, but in terms of a lifetime, not a big window. The rest of my life, sometimes I wonder if I had gone after a job with my current company when I graduated college, but I wouldn't have met my husband, I wouldn't have the skills to do my current job, etc. So, I don't think too long on it. I try to live life in the now. Life is what it is and make the best of it as it is.

[muttleynfelix]

Aug 25, 2018 11:16:46 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

A is confined to her room for the day, except for eating and bio breaks. There is no more unsupervised time with DN. And she has also regressed on all of her playing privileges until she can be trusted again. Which means no leaving our yard, no friends coming over unless I am out there with them all the time (and if I cant be, she goes in with me). The money she had earned from other customers is getting donated. She has to come up with something kind to do for the neighbors, write an apology note, and deliver it in person.

Sam - good luck. I know you've been back to school for a while, but for us that has a huge impact on Ben's behavior. I had Ben write out why his behavior is wrong, how he can put in safeguards to make sure he is doing what he is supposed to. I tried to get him to think more about the why and how to get him to think about his behavior, to be more intentional about his behavior. It is hard when your kid is so far put of what is acceptable behavior. Our pediatrician recommended a sticker chart that he gets a reward for doing what he is supposed to after so many days. DH and I hate that concept because his reward is getting his stuff back. Or his reward is more freedom, why does he need a sticker chart? We haven't implemented it, but it is an idea. Hugs. Parenting is hard. We just don't know what is going through their brains sometimes.

[muttleynfelix]

Whoever asked about minivans- yes, yes yes. Like others have said, the sliding doors, but because Jocelyn really struggles opening my car door by herself. The van allows some autonomy. You can haul tons of crap. You can have more than your 2 kids in the car for birthday parties, play dates, etc. It is a nice option to have.

[muttleynfelix]

Cheerleading - I'm for any sport that is taught in a positive attitude, works in a safe manner and allows for parent observation. So, if your cheerleading club isn't being taught in that manner, than it would be a no go for me, but if she really wanted to do cheerleading, I might look and see if there is a gym that has classes. Although if she is already doing ballet, I would probably say that is enough. I'm trying a one sport at a time rule while they are in elementary school.

[Deleted]

Aug 28, 2018 10:58:05 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

Whoever asked about minivans- yes, yes yes. Like others have said, the sliding doors, but because Jocelyn really struggles opening my car door by herself. The van allows some autonomy. You can haul tons of crap. You can have more than your 2 kids in the car for birthday parties, play dates, etc. It is a nice option to have.

I had Carrot in DS's car a month or so ago and it was windy.  When he went to open it the door just blew open and he couldn't control it and it hit the car next to us.  Luckily it was a POS truck and the guy didn't care it got yet another ding, but Carrot is afraid to open car doors now.  He'll just sit there and wait for someone to let him out.  We usually are in the van though.  Push a button and he's in/out with no worries about the doors. 

[muttleynfelix]

So my computer has locked up 5 times this morning. I spent 3 hours on the phone with IT. It was fun.

[raeoflyte]

Dh takes a lot of naps now that the kids are in school.  He does a lot more chores too, but he could get more done.  I might be high energy at least compared to him, but it's hard not to think about everything I could accomplish with 5 hours to myself everyday.  I've asked him to paint the ceilings this week so that I can rip up our carpet upstairs next week.  He suggested we leave the carpet in since the kids are still "wrecking" it.  E's practically 6 and we have hardwood under the carpet which will be easier to deal with any spills anyway.   I just don't get him sometimes.  

[chapeau]

Aug 28, 2018 16:26:19 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Dh takes a lot of naps now that the kids are in school.  He does a lot more chores too, but he could get more done.  I might be high energy at least compared to him, but it's hard not to think about everything I could accomplish with 5 hours to myself everyday.  I've asked him to paint the ceilings this week so that I can rip up our carpet upstairs next week.  He suggested we leave the carpet in since the kids are still "wrecking" it.  E's practically 6 and we have hardwood under the carpet which will be easier to deal with any spills anyway.   I just don't get him sometimes.  

Your DH could be mine. I tell him all the time that if I had 6 hours to myself every day I could rule the world. He can barely get the dishes done. Mowing our (small) yard takes all day.
Yeah, I’d occasionally watch tv all day too, but it wouldn’t be my default setting. Needless to say the CPAP machine is not the miracle that it briefly appeared to be.

[lurkyloo]

Aug 28, 2018 16:26:19 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Dh takes a lot of naps now that the kids are in school.  He does a lot more chores too, but he could get more done.  I might be high energy at least compared to him, but it's hard not to think about everything I could accomplish with 5 hours to myself everyday.  I've asked him to paint the ceilings this week so that I can rip up our carpet upstairs next week.  He suggested we leave the carpet in since the kids are still "wrecking" it.  E's practically 6 and we have hardwood under the carpet which will be easier to deal with any spills anyway.   I just don't get him sometimes.  

Good grief.  I’d be ecstatic with 5 hours to myself once a week.  I don’t think you’re overreacting.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I feel like a failure cause I get off at  2pm and thought I'd have all these things done daily now that I have free time but not even close.  I'm exhausted when I get home.  Hoping it'll start to get easier. I am excited about Labor Day because it means I can take a nap but I am also dreading the workload I will likely come back to on Tuesday.

Physically I am feeling much better now that I am off the anti-anxiety medication.  I can take the stairs two at a time which is a huge leap forward from huffing and puffing trying to get up a single flight.

My mood can still be all over the map.  DH thinks part of that is the sleep deprivation I'm going thru right now.  I will say getting up at 4:30 am and running non-stop for the next eight hours does limit how much brain space I can devote to anxiety.   However it is generating some depression.

I wish I fit  in better at work.   There are definietly cliques and I do not belong to any of them stuck in my corner doing ascension.   Supposedly in a couple of months trainees will rotate so one person is not stuck in the corner for months but I am not holding my breath they promised that to all the other trainees too when they started.  

I don't really get any feedback or instruction so I have no idea how I am doing or who to even really ask that question since I don't see my supervisor or his boss very often.    I figure if the pathologists aren't calling demanding my head then I must be doing a fairly decent job despite appearances making me feel otherwise.

[chapeau]

Hugs Drama. I hate work situations like that. We’re not in junior high anymore, quit acting like it.

[zibazinski]

Aug 28, 2018 20:07:13 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I feel like a failure cause I get off at  2pm and thought I'd have all these things done daily now that I have free time but not even close.  I'm exhausted when I get home.  Hoping it'll start to get easier. I am excited about Labor Day because it means I can take a nap but I am also dreading the workload I will likely come back to on Tuesday.

Physically I am feeling much better now that I am off the anti-anxiety medication.  I can take the stairs two at a time which is a huge leap forward from huffing and puffing trying to get up a single flight.

My mood can still be all over the map.  DH thinks part of that is the sleep deprivation I'm going thru right now.  I will say getting up at 4:30 am and running non-stop for the next eight hours does limit how much brain space I can devote to anxiety.   However it is generating some depression.

I wish I fit  in better at work.   There are definietly cliques and I do not belong to any of them stuck in my corner doing ascension.   Supposedly in a couple of months trainees will rotate so one person is not stuck in the corner for months but I am not holding my breath they promised that to all the other trainees too when they started.  

I don't really get any feedback or instruction so I have no idea how I am doing or who to even really ask that question since I don't see my supervisor or his boss very often.    I figure if the pathologists aren't calling demanding my head then I must be doing a fairly decent job despite appearances making me feel otherwise.

Hugs.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Aug 29, 2018 4:53:25 GMT -5 chapeau said:

Hugs Drama. I hate work situations like that. We’re not in junior high anymore, quit acting like it.

I know right? I don't expect to be Miss popular but it would be nice if people would talk to me in the break room.

Then I don't know if the one chick just has resting bitch face and voice or what but no matter what I do I feel like scum under her shoe.

It makes it really hard to figure out how I'm doing and evaluate the fit of this job when I don't have anything positive to go on.

I know I'm not here to make friends I'm here to get paid well and retrain for a new career but that doesn't make the sleep deprivation or social awkwardness go away.

[zibazinski]

Ugh, how asinine. Why are people such jerks sometimes? It costs nothing to be nice.

[zibazinski]

Maybe bring in some donuts?

[andi9899]

How have they reacted to your attempts at small talk? Or have you just been waiting for someone to talk to you? If it's the latter, they might think it's you and be afraid to approach you. I have serious RBF and all of my friends will tell you that they thought I was a huge bitch until I started talking to them because they didn't know how to approach me. You might have to put yourself out there a bit more.

[MJ2.0]

Aug 28, 2018 18:26:39 GMT -5 chapeau said:

Aug 28, 2018 16:26:19 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Dh takes a lot of naps now that the kids are in school.  He does a lot more chores too, but he could get more done.  I might be high energy at least compared to him, but it's hard not to think about everything I could accomplish with 5 hours to myself everyday.  I've asked him to paint the ceilings this week so that I can rip up our carpet upstairs next week.  He suggested we leave the carpet in since the kids are still "wrecking" it.  E's practically 6 and we have hardwood under the carpet which will be easier to deal with any spills anyway.   I just don't get him sometimes.  

Your DH could be mine. I tell him all the time that if I had 6 hours to myself every day I could rule the world. He can barely get the dishes done. Mowing our (small) yard takes all day.
Yeah, I’d occasionally watch tv all day too, but it wouldn’t be my default setting. Needless to say the CPAP machine is not the miracle that it briefly appeared to be.

Have you both brought this up to your DHs?

[swamp]

Aug 29, 2018 5:16:50 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Maybe bring in some donuts?

Or make them brownies or cookies.     Bribe them with food. 

[steph08]

My little baby went off on the bus today for the first time. Wahhhhhhhhhh. Only 3 more hours until she is done. 

I liked her being at daycare - knowing where she was at all times.  

[swamp]

DS had his middle school orientation last night (7th grade).   He will be going to the Middle School/HS building, but the only time he's on the HS is is for lunch and gym.    

He's excited, and I'm excited for him because he's so ready for this. 

However, it was about 90 degrees yesterday with high humidity, and the school does not have AC.  His locker is on the third floor and it took some time for him to get his locker open.  He's never used a combination lock before.    Then we walked his class route a few times which involved about a million trips up and down the stairs.    By the time I left, i was drenched. 

There were some pretty cool things i liked.  The band director encourages "experimentation" and leaves various instruments out for the kids to try during their study halls.    They have art every other day for a semester, and then music the next semester, so they really get into it.  

[raeoflyte]

Aug 29, 2018 8:03:25 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

How have they reacted to your attempts at small talk? Or have you just been waiting for someone to talk to you? If it's the latter, they might think it's you and be afraid to approach you. I have serious RBF and all of my friends will tell you that they thought I was a huge bitch until I started talking to them because they didn't know how to approach me. You might have to put yourself out there a bit more.

I have this issue too.  I really try not to use the term rbf anymore (even though I love it) because  it perpetuates the idea that women have to be all smiles to be friendly.  My thinking face just looks a little mean apparently (dh apparently still has to fight the idea that my mom is mad at him 20 years later even though he knows she isn't but we look just alike).  

But I've heard many times that people thought I was stuck up when really I was just really, really shy.  So now I'm that person that says hi, how are you, how are your kids, dog, cat, I looooove your hair! what cute shoes! oh you're really great at pivot tables, maybe I could sit with you sometime to pick up some tips, etc.  It doesn't take a ton.  Just focus on the other person, and try to remember one thing--their kids dance recital over the weekend and ask how it went on Monday morning and then you're in and everything relaxes.  (Caveat-- Once I feel established that I'm approachable I will just mirror other peoples communication style, so if someone else is really quiet I mirror that--one reason I loved working with my old bosses--no small talk, or at least very, very little small talk).  

[Pants]

Aug 29, 2018 9:34:28 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Aug 29, 2018 8:03:25 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

How have they reacted to your attempts at small talk? Or have you just been waiting for someone to talk to you? If it's the latter, they might think it's you and be afraid to approach you. I have serious RBF and all of my friends will tell you that they thought I was a huge bitch until I started talking to them because they didn't know how to approach me. You might have to put yourself out there a bit more.

I have this issue too.  I really try not to use the term rbf anymore (even though I love it) because  it perpetuates the idea that women have to be all smiles to be friendly.  My thinking face just looks a little mean apparently (dh apparently still has to fight the idea that my mom is mad at him 20 years later even though he knows she isn't but we look just alike).  

But I've heard many times that people thought I was stuck up when really I was just really, really shy.  So now I'm that person that says hi, how are you, how are your kids, dog, cat, I looooove your hair! what cute shoes! oh you're really great at pivot tables, maybe I could sit with you sometime to pick up some tips, etc.  It doesn't take a ton.  Just focus on the other person, and try to remember one thing--their kids dance recital over the weekend and ask how it went on Monday morning and then you're in and everything relaxes.  (Caveat-- Once I feel established that I'm approachable I will just mirror other peoples communication style, so if someone else is really quiet I mirror that--one reason I loved working with my old bosses--no small talk, or at least very, very little small talk).  

Everybody thinks I'm mad all the time. It's usually because I'm mad. At them. 

[raeoflyte]

Aug 29, 2018 8:08:43 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Aug 28, 2018 18:26:39 GMT -5 chapeau said:

Your DH could be mine. I tell him all the time that if I had 6 hours to myself every day I could rule the world. He can barely get the dishes done. Mowing our (small) yard takes all day.
Yeah, I’d occasionally watch tv all day too, but it wouldn’t be my default setting. Needless to say the CPAP machine is not the miracle that it briefly appeared to be.

Have you both brought this up to your DHs?

Yes, many, many times.  Hence him doing a lot more chores too.  It's not an excuse, but he does have chronic pain issues and he prioritizes work, fun stuff with the kids, and then chores.  I know he feels like nothing is ever good enough, and the house looks better more consistently than it ever has, and I still want more so maybe nothing ever will be enough for me.  LOL.  

I had forgotten that he's having a procedure done today that every time he's had it done knocks him out for about 2 weeks.  He swears life can't stop, and that he can't keep having this done if it does (but it also makes a lot of other things better after the 2 weeks).  So painting the ceiling isn't going to get done by him no matter how much he'd like to think he'll just suck it up and continue on.  We have concert tickets for Sunday night that he doesn't know about yet, but now I'm kind of dreading.  I had thought what a great gift it would be, but with the timing, he'll probably be limping out in so much pain that he won't get out of bed for 2 days after that.  

[raeoflyte]

Aug 28, 2018 20:07:13 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I feel like a failure cause I get off at  2pm and thought I'd have all these things done daily now that I have free time but not even close.  I'm exhausted when I get home.  Hoping it'll start to get easier. I am excited about Labor Day because it means I can take a nap but I am also dreading the workload I will likely come back to on Tuesday.

Physically I am feeling much better now that I am off the anti-anxiety medication.  I can take the stairs two at a time which is a huge leap forward from huffing and puffing trying to get up a single flight.

My mood can still be all over the map.  DH thinks part of that is the sleep deprivation I'm going thru right now.  I will say getting up at 4:30 am and running non-stop for the next eight hours does limit how much brain space I can devote to anxiety.   However it is generating some depression.

I wish I fit  in better at work.   There are definietly cliques and I do not belong to any of them stuck in my corner doing ascension.   Supposedly in a couple of months trainees will rotate so one person is not stuck in the corner for months but I am not holding my breath they promised that to all the other trainees too when they started.  

I don't really get any feedback or instruction so I have no idea how I am doing or who to even really ask that question since I don't see my supervisor or his boss very often.    I figure if the pathologists aren't calling demanding my head then I must be doing a fairly decent job despite appearances making me feel otherwise.

Are you going to bed earlier?  

As far as work, ask to schedule a 1 on 1 with your boss to go over how you're doing and ask how often you can meet with him or her.  I've had to do that with my boss a few times and just straight up told her and everyone who will listen that I need external validation.  I probably come across as needy, but I'm remote and since I don't hear what is going on in the office I need that extra piece to feel like I'm on track.  Otherwise I start to worry and spiral.  

[MJ2.0]

That stinks Rae, for you and your DH. Certain pain makes me useless too.

Is there some specific way you want the house to look? It’s hard when expectations keep changing.

[raeoflyte]

Aug 29, 2018 10:07:50 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

That stinks Rae, for you and your DH. Certain pain makes me useless too.

Is there some specific way you want the house to look? It’s hard when expectations keep changing.

I think I just want it company ready most of the time.  Not spotless, but tidy.  So in theory a daily, weekly, and monthly list of chores should keep us on track, and the daily maintenance stuff is in a pretty good groove right now which is why it looks pretty good most of the time.  We've done a lot of decluttering (which dh if he hasn't helped with he also hasn't hindered which is progress).  

But the bedrooms, storage rooms, and outside stuff are pretty well out of control.  So we need to get those under control and get them into a rotation that we can keep up on.  Plus I like projects.  Painting, ripping up the carpet and refinishing the hardwood, new floor and walls in the bathroom, Shiplap in my office, Reclaimed barnwood wall upstairs, small floating deck outside, build some patio furniture.  I'm not saying all the time, but a project every other month or so.  He's probably more of a project every year or so kind of person which is where energy level comes in.  

[MJ2.0]

I’m with your DH - I could not be doing a major house project every 2 months! Maybe like 2-3 a year, but definitely not 6! Lol