The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[alabamagal]

Sam - agree with others that you need to keep DD away from unsupervised play with the niece. And she needs a punishment that will have a big impact on her.

[oped]

Sam, does daughter respond to your disappointment? Will you being so upset by her behavior make an impact at all?  Unfortunately agree with others that it just doesn't seem to be a good mix with the two girls unsupervised. 

[lurkyloo]

We were 36 and 41 when DS was born.  I was in grad school or doing postdoc (i.e. working 80 hour weeks and getting paid peanuts)till just after I turned 29, and glad I took some time to have evenings and weekends off.  Sometimes it would be awfully nice to have more energy, just bc DS is absolutely exhausting (as confirmed by just about everyone who’s been in contact with him lol).  On the flip side, it’s nice to be established and have money to think outside the box with regards to his care.  We are lucky to live in an area where there is a lot of county support for kids with behavior challenges, but DS doesn’t respond well to standard approaches and the county involvement made things worse.  I am deeply grateful that we were in a position to tell them to go pound sand.

I wonder sometimes what things would be like if the genetic dice had rolled differently, but I can see antecedents for his behavior in both sides of the family.  It gives me a new appreciation for why my father is an only child!

Sam, I got nothing.  I’m proud of you for not spanking as well.  But she clearly doesn’t get exactly how far gone that behavior was.  I’d probably be tempted to start talking loudly in front of her about how I apparently haven’t done my job getting through to her about respecting other people and maybe she needs to go to military boarding school where they court martial for that sort of thing.  (Then again I gave up playing fair with DS long ago...)

[andi9899]

Aug 25, 2018 6:49:12 GMT -5 alabamagal said:

Sam - agree with others that you need to keep DD away from unsupervised play with the niece. And she needs a punishment that will have a big impact on her.

This. You're lucky the guy didn't confront you directly and not in a civilized way. I definitely would have. There is absolutely no excuse for that kind of behavior.

[lurkyloo]

Aug 25, 2018 8:35:00 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Aug 25, 2018 6:49:12 GMT -5 alabamagal said:

Sam - agree with others that you need to keep DD away from unsupervised play with the niece. And she needs a punishment that will have a big impact on her.

This. You're lucky the guy didn't confront you directly and not in a civilized way. I definitely would have. There is absolutely no excuse for that kind of behavior.

Pssst-pretty sure it’s her daughter that needs the lecture, not Sam herself. 
Sam, I really wonder how much of the so-what attitude is something she picks up from your H.  Might be something you could bring up in therapy as to ways to mitigate that.

[andi9899]

Carl, I had Thing 1 at 19 and Thing 2 at 20. And while I'm done sooner, it was really hard. I've pretty much always worked multiple jobs even while in college and it sucked. I often wonder how it would have turned out had I waited. Pretty sure I wouldn't have the same Baby Daddy, but who knows who I would have ended up with. You can't really change it, so you just roll with it.

[andi9899]

Aug 25, 2018 8:45:17 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Aug 25, 2018 8:35:00 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

This. You're lucky the guy didn't confront you directly and not in a civilized way. I definitely would have. There is absolutely no excuse for that kind of behavior.

Pssst-pretty sure it’s her daughter that needs the lecture, not Sam herself. 
Sam, I really wonder how much of the so-what attitude is something she picks up from your H.  Might be something you could bring up in therapy as to ways to mitigate that.

Didn't think I was lecturing. Just stating facts.

People get shot around here every day for less than that. Not that I think that the neighbor had that in mind, but people are crazy in our neck of the woods. Leaving your child unattended around here is not a good idea anyway. Then you have them running after someone hitting them? WTF? Who does that? She picked up somewhere that that kind of behavior was either acceptable or not a big deal. Either way, this kid needs a big wake up call before she gets older and thinks she can behave like that. She just may piss off the wrong person one day.

[geenamercile]

Sam- I am not sure what I how I would punish, but yea that is a pretty big deal.  Is this the same neighbor who kid was selling lemonade.  Just wondering if there was some anger or resentment also in there on not being able to sell lemonade. 

Rae- I wouldn't worry about the school or the people at the school thinking worse of you because of your friend moving her kid.  My guess is it will be more of a blip on everyone's radar.   

[chen35]

San, what about a cop taking her to a juvenile detention facility to show her where kids who assault others can end up? Is that too much? I admit I have no idea how to parent, so it’s just a thought.

[Sharon]

Sam- A my find herself being shunned within the neighborhood and at school because of this incident.  Word will get around the neighborhood and other parents may decide they don't want their child to interact with her.  Some therapy for A may help also to uncover why she felt that behavior was okay.  Best of luck to you as you navigate this. 

[cktc]

Aug 25, 2018 9:19:14 GMT -5 chen35 said:

San, what about a cop taking her to a juvenile detention facility to show her where kids who assault others can end up? Is that too much? I admit I have no idea how to parent, so it’s just a thought.

I was just about to suggest seeing if a cop friend could come talk to her dressed in uniform. Not necessarily juvie, but just come to the home and talk to her about what would happen if he decides to press charges.

I also agree that some sort of service project is in order. Having privileges removed isn't necessarily getting through to her. I wouldn't do it as a punishment though, she needs an additional reminder that helping others is more rewarding than hurting them.

[Sam_2.0]

A is confined to her room for the day, except for eating and bio breaks. There is no more unsupervised time with DN. And she has also regressed on all of her playing privileges until she can be trusted again. Which means no leaving our yard, no friends coming over unless I am out there with them all the time (and if I cant be, she goes in with me). The money she had earned from other customers is getting donated. She has to come up with something kind to do for the neighbors, write an apology note, and deliver it in person.

[oped]

I think 25 and 28 was a great time to have kids, for me. I wasn't too young and I still have a good amount of time on the 'other end'  

[oped]

Sam, does she seem to understand why/what was wrong about the behavior?   Also did she say why they did it? 

[Sam_2.0]

Aug 25, 2018 11:18:43 GMT -5 oped said:

Sam, does she seem to understand why/what was wrong about the behavior?   Also did she say why they did it? 

She seems to understand it was very wrong. She wont say why they did it. Every time we ask she just starts sobbing hysterically and asking if we still love her.

[oped]

Oh. That's hard but not all bad, as it shows she is learning the lesson, reinforcing personal body autonomy and that we don't hurt people. I'd guess why has to do with her cousin, so it was good you limited that interaction, unfortunately. Did you tell your sister? What did she say? 

[Sam_2.0]

I sent sis the message from my neighbor, and a note saying A had confirmed the story was true. No response.

[taz157]

Sam - I have no advice to offer except what’s already been stated. Has sis been having problems with niece lately too?

[debthaven]

Sam I'm really sorry about this.

Which means no leaving our yard, no friends coming over unless I am out there with them all the time

Personally I wouldn't allow her to play with ANY friends for a while, not just your DN. This needs time to really sink in. A seems very sociable so not being allowed to play with friends for a few weeks or a month will probably have quite an impact on her.

 

To me this isn't a punishment, it's "logical consequences" ... "Sorry A, but until you learn how to behave with other people, we can't let you be with them except for school."  To be clear, this is in addition to the apology, not instead of it.

I might also threaten to tell her teacher. That would be my anger talking though, I wouldn't do it. But I agree with Sharon, the other kids and parents may well hear/have heard about this. 

Hugs Sam

ETA: I'm floored that your sister hasn't responded! Can you call her? Also wondering, did both girls hit your neighbor, or only one? If only one, which one? Is DN older or the same age? Those answers might influence how I handled it, ie if only DN hit him or if A did too. 

[lurkyloo]

Aug 25, 2018 8:54:18 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Aug 25, 2018 8:45:17 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Pssst-pretty sure it’s her daughter that needs the lecture, not Sam herself. 
Sam, I really wonder how much of the so-what attitude is something she picks up from your H.  Might be something you could bring up in therapy as to ways to mitigate that.

Didn't think I was lecturing. Just stating facts.

People get shot around here every day for less than that. Not that I think that the neighbor had that in mind, but people are crazy in our neck of the woods. Leaving your child unattended around here is not a good idea anyway. Then you have them running after someone hitting them? WTF? Who does that? She picked up somewhere that that kind of behavior was either acceptable or not a big deal. Either way, this kid needs a big wake up call before she gets older and thinks she can behave like that. She just may piss off the wrong person one day.

Didn’t mean to jump on you, and I don’t disagree with any of this.  But the question isn’t “did my daughter do a horrible thing”, it’s “how do I make her understand how horrible this thing she did was, so that she never does it again?”

I think having a uniformed officer explain to her that this is assault and she could go to jail for it is a great idea.  

Also, andi needs to move 

[MJ2.0]

Aug 25, 2018 11:16:46 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

A is confined to her room for the day, except for eating and bio breaks. There is no more unsupervised time with DN. And she has also regressed on all of her playing privileges until she can be trusted again. Which means no leaving our yard, no friends coming over unless I am out there with them all the time (and if I cant be, she goes in with me). The money she had earned from other customers is getting donated. She has to come up with something kind to do for the neighbors, write an apology note, and deliver it in person.

Hopefully she's grounded for more than a day. And I agree with Debt that I wouldn't allow her any friends over period. Hitting others is NOT okay and the sooner that sinks in, the better.

Idk what I would have done if DS did the same but I know his toy closet would have been magically cleaned out and there'd be basically no social interactions for the foreseeable  future.

[Sam_2.0]

Sis wont answer her phone. She texted me about something else, so I thought maybe the first messages weren't delivered. I brought it up again, asking what DN had said about the incident. No response. This is strange.

DN and A are not good together. They feed off each other and spiral into trouble. No more playing unsupervised. They aren't around each other much now that school has started.

Today was total isolation for A. Tomorrow will not be as harsh because she did well, but still no friends or fun.

[andi9899]

Aug 25, 2018 16:54:46 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Aug 25, 2018 8:54:18 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Didn't think I was lecturing. Just stating facts.

People get shot around here every day for less than that. Not that I think that the neighbor had that in mind, but people are crazy in our neck of the woods. Leaving your child unattended around here is not a good idea anyway. Then you have them running after someone hitting them? WTF? Who does that? She picked up somewhere that that kind of behavior was either acceptable or not a big deal. Either way, this kid needs a big wake up call before she gets older and thinks she can behave like that. She just may piss off the wrong person one day.

Didn’t mean to jump on you, and I don’t disagree with any of this.  But the question isn’t “did my daughter do a horrible thing”, it’s “how do I make her understand how horrible this thing she did was, so that she never does it again?”

I think having a uniformed officer explain to her that this is assault and she could go to jail for it is a great idea.  

Also, andi needs to move 

I'm down with the uniformed officer idea. My mom swears she did it with my sister. I don't remember, but whatever.

And Sam lives in the same city as I do. Granted in a different area, but craziness is everywhere. I live and have a job in an unsavory area and I have another job in a more affluent area. I hear gunshots on the regular where I live. One job is in an area you might not want to walk around in at night. At the job in the more affluent area, I've had customers come at coworkers with baseball bats. There are other cities with higher crime rates out there, but ours is pretty high on the list. You have to teach your kid to be mindful of surroundings and stand up for themselves, but also how to tread lightly when needed.

[lurkyloo]

Aug 25, 2018 19:31:15 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Sis wont answer her phone. She texted me about something else, so I thought maybe the first messages weren't delivered. I brought it up again, asking what DN had said about the incident. No response. This is strange.

DN and A are not good together. They feed off each other and spiral into trouble. No more playing unsupervised. They aren't around each other much now that school has started.

Today was total isolation for A. Tomorrow will not be as harsh because she did well, but still no friends or fun.

That really makes me wonder about what is going on at your sister’s house.  It’s bizarre to have that kind of aggressive behavior to come out of nowhere.  I hope all is well.

[MJ2.0]

Aug 25, 2018 20:18:12 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Aug 25, 2018 19:31:15 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Sis wont answer her phone. She texted me about something else, so I thought maybe the first messages weren't delivered. I brought it up again, asking what DN had said about the incident. No response. This is strange.

DN and A are not good together. They feed off each other and spiral into trouble. No more playing unsupervised. They aren't around each other much now that school has started.

Today was total isolation for A. Tomorrow will not be as harsh because she did well, but still no friends or fun.

That really makes me wonder about what is going on at your sister’s house.  It’s bizarre to have that kind of aggressive behavior to come out of nowhere.  I hope all is well.

I agree, that is concerning. 

[zibazinski]

Is this the same little girl who asked your husband if he was cheating? If it is, she’s definitely reacting to the tension in the house and it’s a cry for help.

[andi9899]

It is, but I wouldn't go as far as to say cry for help. To me it sounds more like the niece is having behavioral issues and A is trying to fit in with her older cousin. Doesn't make it right, but it explains some stuff. The fact that she felt it wasn't a huge deal kind of rubs me the wrong way, but I wouldn't say cry for help.

They do need to figure out their marriage and surely it's affecting their children. I don't really think it's the main motivation behind this incident though.

[zibazinski]

I wonder if the sister is thinking the same thing ?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I wouldn't do the whole Boys Town thing.   My dad did that with my brother and it backfired big time.  Granted my brother has a lot of screws loose but overall it seems A is a good kid I think threatening her with a juvie tour is a bit much.

I do like the idea if you have a cop friend having him/her talk to her about how serious that was.  Just like adults kids have an automatic reaction to people in uniform and give the information they give more weight.  Plus they do stuff like this all the time and know just the right way to communicate the issue without scaring the kids into thinking any time they are  "bad" the cops will come to take them away.

Niece would be permenately banned from my house I don't care if that pissed my sibling off.   I may be speaking out of my ass but it sounds like Aly is a follower and niece is taking advantage of that.  My mom always feared that my brother would end up as a getaway driver not because he was a bad kid himself but was a follower/people pleaser to the extent he didn't stop to think first.

I would have a talk with her about right/wrong and that if she feels something is wrong she needs to speak up.   That being friends with someone is not worth the level of trouble she just got into.   She needs to learn to stand up and go get help.   Kids fear getting in trouble for going to an adult so I would tell her that the trouble she gets into for NOT coming to me is far worse than any reaction I might have to her asking for help.  I cannot promise anything but mommy/daddy will always put helping over punishment but we need her to work with us to do that.

[swamp]

I think I would have beat A's ass