The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[TheHaitian]

What if?

Have you ever gone through “what If” in regards to timing of having kids?

Between last Saturday being Family reunion and us celebrating our 10th Wedding Anniversary I have been going through some major “what if”:

What if we had kids at 25-26 like we wanted?
How about 28?
Or right after we got married?

I think it is seeing other friends celebrating the same milestone with 6-8 year old kids or cousin that got married 1 day after me with 4 kids already....

A lot has happened in those 10 years and a lot I would not change.... but sometimes I wonder if the desire to wait till we had everything just right was the “wrong one”.

Not that 32-33 is too old to have a kid but like my wife best friend put it: you had your first when most people are having their second or third.

My cousins will be in their 40’s when their kid leave off for college... I will be 50. I guess that is better than 70 like my dad ...

[steph08]

We think about it, but there's nothing we can do about it.

DH was 30 when we got married - he was back in college and didn't graduate until 33. He didn't have a good, decent job within 400 miles of home until he was 34. 

We started trying and had Harper when he was 35. We had Chloe when he was 37. He will be 55 when she graduates from high school / goes to college. 

I'm 6 years younger, so it's decent timing for me. I was done having kids at 30 (turned 31 later that year). 

We could have MAYBE had a kid when DH was 33, but I don't think he'd have his current job and we would be worse off financially. 2 years was a good trade-off.

If we would have had kids at 24/30 when we got married - it would have been super hard and we would have been poor. We had already been together 4 years by then, so we probably would have made it, but it wouldn't have been pretty.

[geenamercile]

Sometimes I wonder how it would be if we waited.  We would be better off financially but I couldn't imagine having younger kids now.  I still have friends who are having babies, DH has a cousin who is mid 40s and is pregnant with twins, but she is well established.  My cousin was 38 when her youngest turned 18.  She seems to be enjoying life now, but it was rough at the start.  So over all I think anytime has it's own trials and tribulations. 


So ODD is missing some assignments, some I know are completed in her notebook because I saw them.  I keep reminding myself that this year so far is going better... but I swear one of us is going to be the death of the other.  Told DH about this missing assignments and he was response was.... "and"         

[raeoflyte]

There isn't a right answer to that question.  You make the best choices you can with the info you have available at the time and hopefully make peace with it.  

[tcu2003]

Aug 24, 2018 12:52:48 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

There isn't a right answer to that question.  You make the best choices you can with the info you have available at the time and hopefully make peace with it.  

This. DH was 34 and I was 29 when we married. C was born when DH was 36 and I was a month shy of turning 31. DH was 41 when M was born and I was 35. We have friends who had kids around when we did (though, mostly friends), and my sister’s kids are three years older and one year younger than C, but DH’s nieces and nephews are all older than our kids. It helped when C started school as I met a couple of “older” moms.

I feel like you do the best with what you have and what you know. I feel like we have less money stresses than we would if we’d met and had kids at 25, but we’re definitely not as energetic as some parents we know. That said, like everyone, we love our kids and each other and try to make decisions that work for us and our family.

[Lizard Queen]

Married a week shy of 35, kids at 37 and 40.  I wish we had started earlier and had a better opportunity for more (money-wise, and everything else), but we didn't meet until I was 33 and things take time.  Had these things happened in our 20's, we'd be incredibly broke.  Neither of us made much back then.  I mean, I still worry about money, but not in the desperate, gotta make ends meet kind of way.  I don't have the closeness to my childhood that I had in order to relate to the kids better.  I had more imagination and energy back then.  I do have the perspective I didn't have.  Back then, I'm almost certain I would have gotten things like, Your Baby Can Read, and tried to make them excel early in everything.  Because I'm old and tired , I'm just letting them learn and develop at their own pace.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Not really.   DH is 10 years older than me and he preferred to have at least the first kid sooner rather than later.   I was 27 when I had Gwen and 31 when I had Abby.

DH's siblings kids' are either graduating HS or well onto having their own kids.   Meanwhile a lot of people my age are just getting started.

So we were going to be in a "weird" spot regardless. Since I do not have a time machine I cannot tell you if we would have been better off having them sooner or waiting.  We had kids when we felt ready to do so, I don't really care what other people's opinions on the matter are.

[zibazinski]

Aug 24, 2018 12:19:58 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

What if?

Have you ever gone through “what If” in regards to timing of having kids?

Between last Saturday being Family reunion and us celebrating our 10th Wedding Anniversary I have been going through some major “what if”:

What if we had kids at 25-26 like we wanted?
How about 28?
Or right after we got married?

I think it is seeing other friends celebrating the same milestone with 6-8 year old kids or cousin that got married 1 day after me with 4 kids already....

A lot has happened in those 10 years and a lot I would not change.... but sometimes I wonder if the desire to wait till we had everything just right was the “wrong one”.

Not that 32-33 is too old to have a kid but like my wife best friend put it: you had your first when most people are having their second or third.

My cousins will be in their 40’s when their kid leave off for college... I will be 50. I guess that is better than 70 like my dad ...

Would you have had the money for the special treatment you required to have a baby? You changed jobs and moved a lot plus help support family and friends. You’re supporting your MIL. None of these things happen at a young age.

[stina72]

I'm more in the position of what if we would have waited. I had just turned 27 when I had Noah, but all my friends were married and having kids, so we did it too. Now that we are almost 7 years past that, I wish we would have waited, become more financially secure, done all of those grown up things that you maybe (we didn't) haven't done less than a year after getting married in your mid 20s. Not that we were immature or irresponsible, but we were just getting established in a new city after DH got a new job, it wasn't really the best timing.

[alabamagal]

I had a guy friend that married at 40, his wife was 10 years younger. They didn’t hurry on the kids but then had 3 boys and a girl. And his boys were very “ energetic” to put it politely.
My youngest and his oldest were the same age. I remember going to a lot of sports activities and he was always chasing the younger boys around and griping about them wearing him out - he was in his 50s then.

[NastyWoman]

I am going to a birthday party for the 4 yo twins of a very dear (single) friend. Friend recently turned 50. I am very happy that my kids graduated college (leave alone HS) well before I was medicare eligible.

And for the record: friend is a wonderful mother. This just isn't for me...

[Deleted]

Aug 24, 2018 12:19:58 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

What if?

Have you ever gone through “what If” in regards to timing of having kids?

Between last Saturday being Family reunion and us celebrating our 10th Wedding Anniversary I have been going through some major “what if”:

What if we had kids at 25-26 like we wanted?
How about 28?
Or right after we got married?

I think it is seeing other friends celebrating the same milestone with 6-8 year old kids or cousin that got married 1 day after me with 4 kids already....

A lot has happened in those 10 years and a lot I would not change.... but sometimes I wonder if the desire to wait till we had everything just right was the “wrong one”.

Not that 32-33 is too old to have a kid but like my wife best friend put it: you had your first when most people are having their second or third.

My cousins will be in their 40’s when their kid leave off for college... I will be 50. I guess that is better than 70 like my dad ...

I'll be 50 in January with a 3rd grader!  

It is what it is.   Sometimes I think what it would be like if I had them in my 20's instead of 30's and 40's.  They'd be long gone now.  Would that be better?  I don't know.  They're work, but I like having them around too and I'm in no hurry to get rid of them.  Also, that would mean my 20's would not have been the fun time that they were and all about me.   I was traveling a lot and showing horses on the weekends.  I bought a fixer upper house and tossed all my money there instead of daycare.  My kids also wouldn't have had the same opportunities they have now had they been born back then because there wouldn't have been any money.  Not that I'm rolling in it now, but it's better than it was then.  

[Deleted]

I'm ornery with older son.  He got asked to join the university band and doesn't want to do it.  I just bought him a new trombone this Spring because he wanted a better instrument, and he would be guaranteed an A in his high school band class if he did it, but nope.  He frustrates me so much in that he never tries to excel at anything.  

[Sam_2.0]

I need you all to talk me off the ledge. I am so angry with my child. I have never been this embarrassed or angry before.

Sis and niece came over tonight to hang out. Same niece that we had the nail polish incident with a few months ago. We sent the kids out to play in the yard. The girls set up a stand to sell rocks (because the neighbors had lemonade and I said no to a competing stand, lol). I guess a neighbor was on a walk and the girls started hounding him to buy something. When he said no, they hit him in the privates! A grown man!! He picked up his child and walked away because the girls kept chasing and hitting him. His wife sent me a FB message about it.

My child confirmed it was true but said "I guess my punishment is just that I stay inside tomorrow." OH LORT. Staying inside is the least of the things brewing in my head right now. What in the hell??!?!!

She needs to write a note and her dad will walk her up there tomorrow. And then I am feeling like she stays in a room with a blanket and a mattress and NOTHING else until she's 25. No toys, no shows, nothing even remotely fun.

[justme]

Holy shit! I got a good yelling at and sent to my room for a while in response to kicking my bro in the nuts when he pinned me down with a pillow over my face so I couldn't really breathe. Doing it unprovoked.... not sure I'd be alive.

I'm not doing so great at talking you down am I?

[ners]

Sam_2.0  Sorry I have no advice.  Just hugs.





 

[raeoflyte]

Aug 24, 2018 22:02:59 GMT -5 ners said:

Sam_2.0   Sorry I have no advice.  Just hugs.





 

[raeoflyte]

Our old housemates pulled their daughter out of the school and moved her to a different one, I'm assuming because they didn't get the teacher they wanted.  They never liked the neighborhood school, so I was surprised when they wanted to send her there even if just for a year until they could move her to the charter.  The school breakfast could be a legitimate issue for them, and with us not able to help in the afternoons I imagine pick up would be difficult.  But I have to say that it bugs me that my friend hasn't told me.  One of my friends from the school thought I knew and mentioned it (and feels terrible that she did).  Old housemate texted dh to tell him something completely random about tea last night, but nothing about oh yeah, your kids bff isn't coming back to school, just thought you should know?  Not that she owes me anything, but I think it's weird and I feel like she's put me in a really weird position since everyone at the school knew we were friends.  A heads up would have been nice.  

[Sam_2.0]

I am proud of myself for not spanking her, as bad as that sounds.

[Sam_2.0]

Aww, that stinks Rae. Relationships can be so weird sometimes. Sorry

[CCL]

Do you think the niece was the instigator? I wouldn't allow them together without supervision, for sure. I'd probably take away some things she would really miss, favorite toys, cell phone if she has one, depending on what would motivate her.

[chen35]

Wow Sam, that is crazy! I have no idea what I would do for punishment, but I think s natural consequence is that she can no longer be trusted to play with the cousin, so that would totally stop for a very long time, like at least a year. If the families are together she would have to stay right by my side he entire time.

Yeah, Rae, that is incredibly weird. Has she done things like this in the past? I’m sorry, that really sucks.

[raeoflyte]

Aug 24, 2018 22:46:18 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I am proud of myself for not spanking her, as bad as that sounds.

I doubt there's a parent alive who doesn't get it though.  I know I've had moments, and we obviously don't believe in spanking but that didn't stop the thought sometimes.  

I think your plan is good.  I would probably try to come up with some kind of community service project as well.  Not something that would garner much in the way of "what a good kid" comments.  I don't know if she's going to church, but if she is and they could maybe let her clean, or weed, or pick up trash when there aren't services in session.  Not something that creates a lot of extra work for you, but is work that she has to do in addition to losing privileges.  

[raeoflyte]

Aug 24, 2018 22:47:22 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Aww, that stinks Rae. Relationships can be so weird sometimes. Sorry [img src="http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/sad.png" class="smile" src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/sad.png" alt=""]

Yes they can be, and that is what I'm mostly worried about.  We have such a good thing with everyone at the school.  Now it's weird regardless, and if our relationships suffer because of their actions I will be so frustrated.  

[raeoflyte]

Aug 24, 2018 22:57:45 GMT -5 chen35 said:

Wow Sam, that is crazy! I have no idea what I would do for punishment, but I think s natural consequence is that she can no longer be trusted to play with the cousin, so that would totally stop for a very long time, like at least a year. If the families are together she would have to stay right by my side he entire time.

Yeah, Rae, that is incredibly weird. Has she done things like this in the past? I’m sorry, that really sucks.

Not that I know of.  We always joked that we weren't great at staying in touch, but life is busy and we both get it.  I know they've got some big stuff going on too, so I should try to cut them some slack.  

[cktc]

My what if game takes me back to my 20s with a cheating, drug dealing ex husband. Thank every God in every religion we did not procreate! Would I have stayed for the sake of the kids? Would I have gone to the police and fought his wealthy family for full custody? Most likely he would have left if I hadn't and he'd have won half custody. I would be an emotional and financial trainwreck from all the battles.

Worst of all I wouldn't be with DH and my brilliant, funny DS and delightfully happy daughter wouldn't be here. I'd have kids, but they wouldn't be these two and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

I'm a firm believer things happen the way they were meant to, even if a lot of it is awful and not how you would have planned it.

[Pants]

Aug 24, 2018 21:38:16 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I need you all to talk me off the ledge. I am so angry with my child. I have never been this embarrassed or angry before.

Sis and niece came over tonight to hang out. Same niece that we had the nail polish incident with a few months ago. We sent the kids out to play in the yard. The girls set up a stand to sell rocks (because the neighbors had lemonade and I said no to a competing stand, lol). I guess a neighbor was on a walk and the girls started hounding him to buy something. When he said no, they hit him in the privates! A grown man!! He picked up his child and walked away because the girls kept chasing and hitting him. His wife sent me a FB message about it.

My child confirmed it was true but said "I guess my punishment is just that I stay inside tomorrow." OH LORT. Staying inside is the least of the things brewing in my head right now. What in the hell??!?!!

She needs to write a note and her dad will walk her up there tomorrow. And then I am feeling like she stays in a room with a blanket and a mattress and NOTHING else until she's 25. No toys, no shows, nothing even remotely fun.

Sam, I know you love your sister, and I know it's easier for the kids to be together, but Aly and your niece cannot be together any more. Whether it's your niece or the combo of the two of them, they cannot be trusted together. I'm sorry. I know it's hard. But, they just can't hang out. They are not good together.

Also I'm proud of you for not spanking her too.

[zibazinski]

Aug 24, 2018 20:40:34 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I'm ornery with older son.  He got asked to join the university band and doesn't want to do it.  I just bought him a new trombone this Spring because he wanted a better instrument, and he would be guaranteed an A in his high school band class if he did it, but nope.  He frustrates me so much in that he never tries to excel at anything.  

Have you checked his thyroid?

[zibazinski]

Aug 24, 2018 21:38:16 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I need you all to talk me off the ledge. I am so angry with my child. I have never been this embarrassed or angry before.

Sis and niece came over tonight to hang out. Same niece that we had the nail polish incident with a few months ago. We sent the kids out to play in the yard. The girls set up a stand to sell rocks (because the neighbors had lemonade and I said no to a competing stand, lol). I guess a neighbor was on a walk and the girls started hounding him to buy something. When he said no, they hit him in the privates! A grown man!! He picked up his child and walked away because the girls kept chasing and hitting him. His wife sent me a FB message about it.

My child confirmed it was true but said "I guess my punishment is just that I stay inside tomorrow." OH LORT. Staying inside is the least of the things brewing in my head right now. What in the hell??!?!!

She needs to write a note and her dad will walk her up there tomorrow. And then I am feeling like she stays in a room with a blanket and a mattress and NOTHING else until she's 25. No toys, no shows, nothing even remotely fun.

Something is wrong when they get together. What did your sister do to her daughter? I agree no unsupervised contact. As a former teacher there were kids that had to be moved to other classrooms just because there was problems that couldn’t be resolved.

[zibazinski]

Also my next door neighbors when I lived in Oregon would not allow their children to visit their cousins homes. Cousins were welcome to come visit theirs but only when parents were home. They had their reasons. Good ones. It’s not just you and your sister. Are her parenting skills like yours?