The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[azucena]

Aug 16, 2018 10:10:37 GMT -5 Pants said:

Just sitting there with the struggle to let her talk and say what she needs to say (per all the therapists' suggestions about how to help kids with serious illnesses recover in the long term) and ask gentle questions or offer support. 

Meanwhile the logical part of my brain wants to set the record straight and provide all the objective facts about what really happened vs. what her 4-year-old brain took away from the situation. (Which I didn't do, because I'm the adult and so I just absorb it and it feels really shitty.) 

It's the first time in a long time she wanted to talk about it. She also told me that when she gets sick she's afraid she's going to get SICK again. (Her G-B was preceded by a stomach bug.) Which makes sense and is totally understandable! Also makes me feel really a lot of feelings! Because I also get scared about that when she gets sick! 

yeah, she can't possibly understand that you needed to work to have insurance coverage to provide her with fantastic doctors to help her heal. Or that you exhausted yourself being there non-working and non-sleeping hours (and I'm sure short-changed your sleep drastically).  And I know you worked out schedules with grandparents and other loving adults to be with her as much as you could.

I imagine if she thinks about it later when she's grown up her view on the situation will probably be more accurate.  She will probably instead be in wonder of how you managed to do all that you did.

[raeoflyte]

Aug 16, 2018 14:41:25 GMT -5 azucena said:

Aug 16, 2018 10:10:37 GMT -5 Pants said:

Just sitting there with the struggle to let her talk and say what she needs to say (per all the therapists' suggestions about how to help kids with serious illnesses recover in the long term) and ask gentle questions or offer support. 

Meanwhile the logical part of my brain wants to set the record straight and provide all the objective facts about what really happened vs. what her 4-year-old brain took away from the situation. (Which I didn't do, because I'm the adult and so I just absorb it and it feels really shitty.) 

It's the first time in a long time she wanted to talk about it. She also told me that when she gets sick she's afraid she's going to get SICK again. (Her G-B was preceded by a stomach bug.) Which makes sense and is totally understandable! Also makes me feel really a lot of feelings! Because I also get scared about that when she gets sick! 

yeah, she can't possibly understand that you needed to work to have insurance coverage to provide her with fantastic doctors to help her heal. Or that you exhausted yourself being there non-working and non-sleeping hours (and I'm sure short-changed your sleep drastically).  And I know you worked out schedules with grandparents and other loving adults to be with her as much as you could.

I imagine if she thinks about it later when she's grown up her view on the situation will probably be more accurate.  She will probably instead be in wonder of how you managed to do all that you did.

And deny that she ever said such an insensitive thing!  It's interesting to see what C "remembers" these days and what he adamantly denies.  

[TheOtherMe]

Aug 16, 2018 10:10:37 GMT -5 Pants said:

It's the first time in a long time she wanted to talk about it. She also told me that when she gets sick she's afraid she's going to get SICK again. (Her G-B was preceded by a stomach bug.) Which makes sense and is totally understandable! Also makes me feel really a lot of feelings! Because I also get scared about that when she gets sick! 

Hugs to both you and your daughter.  You are both entitled to your feelings and they from different perspectives.  

Of course you are both scared when she gets sick.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Aug 16, 2018 8:31:10 GMT -5 Pants said:

Today is the 2 year anniversary of B's hospitalization. Will I spend the entire day poking this emotional bruise? YOU BET!

Also in the car last night we were talking about how not all kids are lucky enough to have the great families they deserve to have, and she goes "Oh like when I was in the hospital and you weren't there very much because you had to work!" Knife, meet heart. Twist.

Hugs Pants. Kids have a real talent for going straight for the kill.

[Chocolate Lover]

 Pants. Lots and lots of hugs. 


I have been having a text argument with the 14 year old. The last thing I got was a bunch of faces with a heart at the end, and then a text saying the heart was an accident.   

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mine did not pick up and put away her laundry like I asked. Then she demanded a cell phone.  I told her the day she gets one will be the day she starts putting away her stuff like I asked.

He response was "Daddy will buy me one".

Instead of taking her out of this world as easily as I brought her into it, which is what I should have done,  I cried instead.

[Jaguar]

<<<< BIG HUGS >>>> NomoreDramaQ1015

[geenamercile]

Aug 16, 2018 16:07:46 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Mine did not pick up and put away her laundry like I asked. Then she demanded a cell phone.  I told her the day she gets one will be the day she starts putting away her stuff like I asked.

He response was "Daddy will buy me one".

Instead of taking her out of this world as easily as I brought her into it, which is what I should have done,  I cried instead.

My girl have tried that a few times with, dad, grandparents ect...  I just look at the them and say lets see how that works out for you.  Send a text of a heads up that I already said no, and watch them ask.  

[Deleted]

Wonderful.  Ex 2.0 is on another custody kick.  He is putting in for a change of hours at his job so he can keep Carrot overnight on Wednesdays and every other Sunday when he has him.  I am not cool with him having him on school nights at all.  I'm not really thrilled with him having him every other weekend, but I can live with that.  

[raeoflyte]

I'm sorry MPL.  I hope that doesn't work out for him.  

[Deleted]

I'm completely stressing out again.   I know what kicked this all off.  I told him that Carrot was going to be at my Dad's in the cities all week next week so he would miss his Wednesday and next week my Mom has him during the work week and they're going camping on Tues and Wed night, and that's when he started the wanting is "fair time" with his son and not being able to see him enough.  My mom said that Ex 2.0 could stop in at the campgrounds and register as a guest and him and Carrot could go fishing and use the bounce pillows and water slides either or both of those nights, but all I got back from that was a "I think I'll pass".   So is it about wanting to spend more time with him or not??   

He gains almost NOTHING with the schedule he wants unless he keeps him up late.  As it is I pick him up an hour before bedtime.

[geenamercile]

MJ is he keeps him over night does that mean he has to get him to school on Thursday.


So happy the first week of mornings is over. ODD has a quiz today so we will see how it goes. Her teacher sent home some extra practice for all the students by ODD said she has it. The teacher did say she scored a 58 on her pretest for the year. She said that expect around thw 30s for the kids so right now I am letting her decide how much she needs to study or not.

[andi9899]

Can he not just have him 2 weekends in a row to make up for the lost one? It may not be what you want, but if it gets him to drop his whole custody thing, it's worth it.

[Deleted]

He's not even losing him on a weekend.  He's just losing 2 hours next Wednesday night because Carrot will be 2 hours away at G&G camp.  I will leave work early or take Friday off to go get him and have him back to his Dad's Friday night.  The week after that my Mom has him on his Wednesday 4:30-6:30 night, but he can still go either Monday or Thursday since my mom lives close by. 

The YMCA only has their summer program for the first 10 weeks of the summer, so it ends today and I have to line up alternative care for the last two weeks that's why the grands are taking him. 

[chen35]

So sorry pants, kids really do know how to gut you. I remember saying a few things as a child that just kill me now, and I remember not even knowing why I said them at the time.

MPL - Ugh, sounds like a nightmare. Hopefully he'll drop it. 
Does he have carrot every weekend, or every other? Maybe offering up another weekend, like Andi said, to make up for it will get him to drop it?

ETA: Also, what is your custody agreement on paper? Is it still supervised visits for him? I seem to recall you were letting him have Carrot more than the agreement called for? So is this a case where he needs you to agree to it rather than he's actually going back to court to get them to modify the agreement?

[Deleted]

The parenting time agreement is no longer supervised.  But it's only every Wednesday from 4:30-6:30 and every other Saturday for 4 hours.  He has been getting him every other weekend (Friday and Saturday night) and every Wednesday from whenever he can pick him up at the Y until 6:30.  On the days he doesn't have swim team he'll get him as early as 3.

That's another thing.  He bitches about activities cutting into his time (he gets done swimming at 4:30, but then has to get dressed).  Carrot wanted to take an Irish dance class that was on Wednesdays, but his Dad would have had to take him and that was a no go because it was on his day, so no class.  He already can't do the class he was always taking before because it's on the same night as Cub Scouts now.  That's another thing, he really gets him every Thursday evening too because they're at Cub Scouts that night and surprise surprise, I just found out Sunday night when I went to the planning meeting for the year and he was sitting there that he is now the Den leader.      I am so enmeshed with the scouts and now he's thrown himself in it too...which is good I guess...but I don't want to be enmeshed with HIM.  They all refer to him as my husband, and even have him as my spouse in the registration.  No matter how many times I correct it doesn't seem to sink in. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Today is the last day of KinderCamp. Tonight is the Zoo with a bunch of my family, then tomorrow we're taking the trailer to the Dells. Coming home on Monday.

Next week I've got care set until Wed. Dh is supposed to talk to his parents about Thursday and/or Friday.

School goes back on 9/4.

[Lizard Queen]

Aug 17, 2018 8:58:21 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

The parenting time agreement is no longer supervised.  But it's only every Wednesday from 4:30-6:30 and every other Saturday for 4 hours.  He has been getting him every other weekend (Friday and Saturday night) and every Wednesday from whenever he can pick him up at the Y until 6:30.  On the days he doesn't have swim team he'll get him as early as 3.

That's another thing.  He bitches about activities cutting into his time (he gets done swimming at 4:30, but then has to get dressed).  Carrot wanted to take an Irish dance class that was on Wednesdays, but his Dad would have had to take him and that was a no go because it was on his day, so no class.  He already can't do the class he was always taking before because it's on the same night as Cub Scouts now.  That's another thing, he really gets him every Thursday evening too because they're at Cub Scouts that night and surprise surprise, I just found out Sunday night when I went to the planning meeting for the year and he was sitting there that he is now the Den leader.      I am so enmeshed with the scouts and now he's thrown himself in it too...which is good I guess...but I don't want to be enmeshed with HIM.  They all refer to him as my husband, and even have him as my spouse in the registration.  No matter how many times I correct it doesn't seem to sink in. 

Do they not do background checks for the leaders? I know all the schools around here do for parent volunteers in the classrooms. Maybe you could quietly recommend it to the pack leader. It's not just about enmeshment. Do you think the other parents would really want him in charge of their kids if they knew?

[Deleted]

The Boy Scouts do background checks.  I don't know if he's turned in his application yet or not...I don't think so... but when they were talking about them (BG checks) at another meeting they said they only exclude for offenses where they would be a risk to children.  I don't know where the line in the sand there is.  If it has to be a child related offense or what.  All of his are mostly misdemeanor disorderly conduct charges. 

[Deleted]

The funny thing is.  He didn't even want to be a den leader.  He asked to be an assistant, then the current leader informed the pack leader that he couldn't participate this year due to work commits, so Ex was instantly promoted before he even started as an assistant.  I could tell just by the look on his face after a three hour planning meeting that he wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea.

[Lizard Queen]

Used both a carrot and a stick approach with the boys today, and it seems to be working (for now). They've been getting progressively worse over the last few weeks with bickering and fighting. So ready for school to start again.

[finnime]

MPL, FWIW the visitation wars I went through were quelled by the 'what's best for DS' argument. And school nights at home with you are not a small matter - that is what's best for Carrot. Your Ex2.0 wanting more time smacks of what he believes is best for him, not Carrot.

[Deleted]

School nights would be disruptive to our whole routine.  I get so panicked whenever he starts pulling for more time.  I know I'm going to lose this kid eventually.  His Dad is not about working with me to raise him.  He wants to have him like a possession.  He's always been obsessive about him.   Once Carrot is old enough to realize he can get out of rules and piano practice and early bedtimes by going to Dad's it's all over.   His Dad doesn't care about him doing well in school or extracurriculars or going to college.  Nope.  He just wants his son to hang out with him doing fun things forever.   That's going to be really hard for me to compete with in the teen years. 

[Jaguar]

<<< BIG HUGS >>> minnesotapaintlady


We are all here for you and your boys.

[geenamercile]

Aug 17, 2018 11:54:10 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

School nights would be disruptive to our whole routine.  I get so panicked whenever he starts pulling for more time.  I know I'm going to lose this kid eventually.  His Dad is not about working with me to raise him.  He wants to have him like a possession.  He's always been obsessive about him.   Once Carrot is old enough to realize he can get out of rules and piano practice and early bedtimes by going to Dad's it's all over.   His Dad doesn't care about him doing well in school or extracurriculars or going to college.  Nope.  He just wants his son to hang out with him doing fun things forever.   That's going to be really hard for me to compete with in the teen years. 

Hugs, major hugs.  But I think you have some pretty smart kids, and my guess is he is going to be a pretty smart teen too.  Kids also want stability and safety too. 

[Deleted]

I'm bribing now. I don't know how much of this has to do with child support and looking for a reduction, but I know he's overpaying a lot for the childcare portion. I had talked to the agency a few months ago about having that reduced, but they said they couldn't do it without a complete reevaluation of the three legs of the support order (basic, insurance and childcare) and it going to court. I don't want to go through that again any more than he does.  He's basically been paying double what he needed to be for the past 3 years.  The first year or two I felt justified because I'd forgiven the 2K arrears and that made it even in my head, but we're kind of past that now.   CS agency said an idea would be to drop the entire childcare portion and just work that out on our own.  I have a feeling that would mean never getting any money for childcare, but it might be worth it if he backs off. 

[gs11rmb]

minnesotapaintlady your ex has some series mental health issues.  Sadly, for carrot, the chances of him not relapsing at some point in the future have to be slim.  Even if he wants to go and live with his Dad, no judge would issue that order.

Edit:  I know that sounds harsh.  I understand that you want your son to have a fully functional relationship with his father... but that's not going to happen.

[Deleted]

But would a court order matter that much to a teen?  It wouldn't matter to his Dad.  So then I'm calling the cops and having him forcibly returned and my kid thinks I'm the devil and all kinds of horrible ensues.

I know I'm going off the deep end worrying about worst case scenario, but I've never in my life been afraid of a person before him during the last year of our marriage and during the separation.

[gs11rmb]

Aug 17, 2018 12:47:36 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

But would a court order matter that much to a teen?  It wouldn't matter to his Dad.  So then I'm calling the cops and having him forcibly returned and my kid thinks I'm the devil and all kinds of horrible ensues.

I know I'm going off the deep end worrying about worst case scenario, but I've never in my life been afraid of a person before him during the last year of our marriage and during the separation.

It probably would matter to his Dad.  He's been arrested before and spent time in jail.  I doubt he wants to go back and have lost his job - although, admittedly that's what a normal person would think...

I think your best bet is to be calm and reasonable and when necessary point out the consequences.

[Deleted]

Aug 17, 2018 13:23:34 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

It probably would matter to his Dad.  He's been arrested before and spent time in jail.  I doubt he wants to go back and have lost his job - although, admittedly that's what a normal person would think...

I think your best bet is to be calm and reasonable and when necessary point out the consequences.

That's the key part.  This is a guy that assaulted the bailiff in his domestic assault hearing.  Doesn't look real good for your case there bud!  His most recent jail stay wasn't his first one either, so he didn't learn from those.  Although, to give him credit he does seem to have straightened himself up pretty well this time.  I just have this constant anxiety that it's all going to fire up again.