The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[zibazinski]

Looks like someone is going to either get a 30k raise in salary or rent out the basement. Or both.

[Sam_2.0]

My family is so freaking messed up. I just found out that my brother's wife is expecting again, because of a screen capture in a text from my mom on my sister-in-law's Instagram account. Because my brother and my sister-in-law won't talk to me because I'm too liberal and anti-religious for them. What the fuck

[whoisjohngalt]

Sept 23, 2017 18:17:57 GMT -5 yogiii said:

Sept 23, 2017 16:34:24 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

I come from the culture that has similar ideas about helping family, grandparents watching my kids for free, etc. but holy shit - *I* wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut and that is EXACTLY what I would have asked.

Ummm, did the MIL got old and fragile overnight?

No, I think it's all a fantasy camp of wanting to watch the grand kids.  Then the grand kid is actually there and it's like "oh shit, this is hard, um never mind".  I've seen it before.

I guess I just don't tolerate that  kind of crap very well.  If someone spends years telling me they are going to do X and then 5 minutes into say "sorry, you are SOL" I would be pissed.

Not to mention that the way Carl presented their arrangement was exactly this - you live for free, you watch the kid.  Now, after living there for free for years, she can't watch the kid?

It would have been different if she was living there for free bc she is wife's mother and that was it.   Like I said, for me, there is nothing unusual about multi-generational households.

[andi9899]

Agreed. I'd be asking for rent too. I'd also be having a talk about her making important decisions without him. Not that it would do any good.

[Lizard Queen]

Annoyed with DH.  He gets groceries for his DM every week because she's having problems with sciatica, and she's helpless.  Fine, whatever.  Kids and I are going to be gone today anyway from 9:15-12.  First, he planned to go yesterday afternoon--the only time we had time to do something as a family.  I talked him into this morning, specifically because we'd be gone doing church stuff all morning anyway.  So, he goes to leave at 8 right before breakfast.  WTF?  He gets back right before we leave.  Uh, thanks?  Coulda used a little help and enjoyed breakfast as a family together, but, whatever.

[giramomma]

Sept 23, 2017 18:46:38 GMT -5 econstudent said:

Sept 23, 2017 16:34:24 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

I come from the culture that has similar ideas about helping family, grandparents watching my kids for free, etc. but holy shit - *I* wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut and that is EXACTLY what I would have asked.

Ummm, did the MIL got old and fragile overnight?

My guess is that Carlie getting older brings out the "I'm too old for this."

I worry about this with my inlaws. They watch my SIlL's kid and while it's fine now, I've seen how exhausted they get running around with my kids for a couple days. It's going to be downright exhausting as a FT job.

My ILS are 72, and I worry about them watching Miss M for one day a week. And they even offered to watch her like three weeks after we told them I was pregnant.

They also really must want to watch her badly...they talked to DH about it and not me...They only do that when they really want to do something for us without me protesting too much about them helping us.

[Wisconsin Beth]

My mil watched both kids three days a week all summer long. My mom and paid care picked up the other two days. We tried to be respectful of the time and energy commitment.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sept 23, 2017 22:38:45 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

Sept 23, 2017 18:17:57 GMT -5 yogiii said:

No, I think it's all a fantasy camp of wanting to watch the grand kids.  Then the grand kid is actually there and it's like "oh shit, this is hard, um never mind".  I've seen it before.

I guess I just don't tolerate that  kind of crap very well.  If someone spends years telling me they are going to do X and then 5 minutes into say "sorry, you are SOL" I would be pissed.

Not to mention that the way Carl presented their arrangement was exactly this - you live for free, you watch the kid.  Now, after living there for free for years, she can't watch the kid?

It would have been different if she was living there for free bc she is wife's mother and that was it.   Like I said, for me, there is nothing unusual about multi-generational households.

That being said I've always been a huge advocate of making sure you can afford daycare in case things change on a dime.  We can still afford to pay what a daycare center wants if we have to. 

Even if my mom would love to watch Abby forever sometimes life gets in the way. Something could happen to her, my dad or something could happen to grandma requiring she need full time care.

I like to be prepared.  It would suck donkey balls but at least I know we wouldn't be totally hosed.

I would start charging MIL rent though I am mean like that.  If she doesn't want to watch Carlie that is fine but then she needs to start contributing to the household to compensate for the new rather large expense.  IIRC she's not exactly in the poor house.

And on getting Carlie into daycare in six months. I barely got Gwen into daycare before I went back to work and I started looking the day I peed on the stick.

In an area like Washington DC I'm betting people start looking before the kid is even an itch in daddy's pants.  Unless Mrs C has been paying for a slot all this time behind your back good luck on finding a spot in six months.  Mrs C and MIL are in for one hell of a reality check.

[Deleted]

Sept 24, 2017 12:00:46 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

And on getting Carlie into daycare in six months. I barely got Gwen into daycare before I went back to work and I started looking the day I peed on the stick and I live in potato farmer counter.

I think Mrs. C's new job has a center for employees on site and if I remember right, she really wanted to have Carlie there with her, but they don't take them until they're 15 or 18 months old or something, so that's probably what they're thinking about. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

We have one on site and it's waiting list is a mile long because naturally everyone employed by UNMC and Nebraska Med wants to use it.  A postdoc I worked with was trying to get in and he got a phone call that his name had come up.  He had to have his deposit and the first month's charges at their office within the hour otherwise he'd lost the spot.

After several frantic phone calls with his wife they ended up passing.

I'm not saying they all work that way but I do hope she's called to talk with them before she assumes anything.

I looked into them thinking they'd have more slots for toddlers and be cheaper than Little Hands.  Nope to both questions.  $895 for a toddler.  I'd hate to know what they charge for infants.

[andi9899]

I can't fathom paying that amount of money for childcare. So glad my parents helped watch the girls! And I didn't even have to pay their rent!

[NastyWoman]

Sept 24, 2017 12:26:30 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

We have one on site and it's waiting list is a mile long because naturally everyone employed by UNMC and Nebraska Med wants to use it.  A postdoc I worked with was trying to get in and he got a phone call that his name had come up.  He had to have his deposit and the first month's charges at their office within the hour otherwise he'd lost the spot.

After several frantic phone calls with his wife they ended up passing.

I'm not saying they all work that way but I do hope she's called to talk with them before she assumes anything.

I looked into them thinking they'd have more slots for toddlers and be cheaper than Little Hands.  Nope to both questions.  $895 for a toddler.  I'd hate to know what they charge for infants.

I know that DS and DDIL paid $1800/month for their 3yo in Seattle up until March. Now in Munich, one of the most expensive cities in Germany, they pay exactly 10% of that amount

[giramomma]

Our city has a 9 month waiting list for infant care, but toddler care tends to be more flexible.

We haven't really started yet, to look for care for Miss M...Mostly because of costs. We can't do private school tuition for three and daycare for one. And really, there's only so much I/we can manage in terms of full plates and what not.

Right now, my plan is to work part time and then use sick leave/vacation time to fill in the rest until June. June, I'll go full time and then flip hours with DH again. So no child care for Miss M until September 2018.

If I do have to go back to work full time earlier than June, we may need my il's to watch Miss M one day a week. We also have one of my old clients turned college kid who I trust as well as neighbors that I also trust. Both need income. So, we don't have to rely on ils alone.

It also helps that DH and I have incredibly flexible schedules.

[zibazinski]

Yes, well when you've been supporting your "nanny" for years, it can come as a shock when they're not interested in holding up their end of the deal. It makes me wonder if the tune would change if the free room and board was no longer being handed out?

[TheOtherMe]

Niece works at a hospital.  She put her name in for day care as soon as they started trying to get pregnant.  By the time they had a baby (miscarriage first), they had a spot for her son.  Also had one for her daughter.  The kids were able to go to the hospital day care center from the age of 6 weeks through preK. 

At that time, they worked with the strange hours hospital employees have.  My niece worked 4 10 hour days, but it rotated days off and weekends.  It wasn't a problem then.  Now the hospital requires day care be paid for 40 hours per week or whatever you signed up for.  No breaks on the schedule for when you actually are working.  They are not open on weekends and close at either 6 or 7 PM.  Luckily, my niece had me to pick up kids as hubby was working 2nd shift.  If she was also on call and had to work late, I picked up kids.  I also took care of them one day a week for no charge.  It did save her money.

Think my payback came with the care she provided me after my surgery last March.

[zibazinski]

Sept 24, 2017 16:23:42 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Niece works at a hospital.  She put her name in for day care as soon as they started trying to get pregnant.  By the time they had a baby (miscarriage first), they had a spot for her son.  Also had one for her daughter.  The kids were able to go to the hospital day care center from the age of 6 weeks through preK. 

At that time, they worked with the strange hours hospital employees have.  My niece worked 4 10 hour days, but it rotated days off and weekends.  It wasn't a problem then.  Now the hospital requires day care be paid for 40 hours per week or whatever you signed up for.  No breaks on the schedule for when you actually are working.  They are not open on weekends and close at either 6 or 7 PM.  Luckily, my niece had me to pick up kids as hubby was working 2nd shift.  If she was also on call and had to work late, I picked up kids.  I also took care of them one day a week for no charge.  It did save her money.

Think my payback came with the care she provided me after my surgery last March.

I've always felt the smart hospitals would provide care for the odd hours their employees work. Talk about keeping and getting the best.

[Deleted]

There is a center near our hospital that offers all shifts. Smart.

[TheHaitian]

Daycare: the chances of getting into her daycare at work are slim to none because you have all the hospital staff/Doctors and medical school staff/doctors that apply... waiting list is about 2 years long since most parents would love to have their kids so close by (hospital right next to medical school and daycare) and the hours are flexible.

I will try to give grandma some time off on my days off and my wife usually takes over on the weekend when she is home.

Some household chores are falling by the wayside and it is driving my wife bunkers. We are not "dirty"; just not as clean as we used to be.

Anyway my wife brought up the cleaning lady again today. So will look into it!

Now a question:

Diaper change / putting clothes on : my daughter since she was born never liked being put on her back. Something about not being in control... we know that.

As she grew older it got worse to the point when we put her down for diaper changes she basically freaks out and cries bloody murder. My wife said this morning it is like a scene from the exorcist and I just changed her diaper I have to agree... she literally freaks the hell out! Try to roll around, get away, want me to pick her up. Pick her up, try to put her down... melt down start again.

Putting clothes on her no different. Some distractions only work for a small amount of time. I don't get it.

My wife things is the feeling not being in control (my daughter is a control freak like her mother I guess). She resist a bit when you put her in her car seat to (pushing her back) but I think relax once the familiarity of the car seat kicks in. But that has yet to happen for diaper change.

[swamp]

DD was like that. I would lay her on the floor, sit down with her between my legs, and throw my left leg over her chest to keep her from rolling away, bucking, arching, or whatever. She would scream bloody murder but I could do it quick.

[cktc]

DS usually fights diaper changes with me but not his father. Haven't figured that one out yet. I don't think I'm hurting him. Sometimes it's easier to just sneak a diaper change while he's sitting on one of our laps.

[zibazinski]

There used to be a strap on a changing table. You were supposed to use that but that's probably old fashioned.

[zibazinski]

As far as household chores, if everyone cleans up their own mess including whatever bathroom they use, that'll help a lot. Laundry does itself pretty much. Floors take some time as well though. Even my small house needs sweeping them swiffering then either Bona on the wood or the wet stiffer stuff on the tile. If you're expecting a spotless house, you're going to be unhappy.

[zibazinski]

Cleaning lady? 3 grown adults. Another needless expense.

[Deleted]

Sept 24, 2017 19:55:48 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

I will try to give grandma some time off on my days off and my wife usually takes over on the weekend when she is home.

She is your daughter.  

If 'watching the baby while you work' has been interpreted as I will raise the baby 24/7 and you can 'help me out' now and again... yeah, maybe MIL isn't all the problem. 

[TheHaitian]

Sept 24, 2017 22:21:45 GMT -5 oped said:

Sept 24, 2017 19:55:48 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

I will try to give grandma some time off on my days off and my wife usually takes over on the weekend when she is home.

She is your daughter.  

If 'watching the baby while you work' has been interpreted as I will raise the baby 24/7 and you can 'help me out' now and again... yeah, maybe MIL isn't all the problem. 

I am quite aware that she is my daughter thank you very much; not sure when I forgot that or needed to be reminded.

She does not raise our daughter 24/7; when we are home our daughter is with us. The problem is she is also always there if we are home.

So I am trying to have my days off on days she can actually get away from us and not in the house; example I am taking 1 week vacation in October and I told her to go to NY and go visit her sister. She said she only needs to go for 2 days for her Dr appointment, I told her to take the week.

It's like my wife and I : just because my wife is home I don't stop being a dad/husband: I am cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, I need to finish painting the fence because it gets too cold, clean around the edges and now my wife just added painting: after over 1 year here she wants to finally paint the house... so that will occupy me during winter time .

So it is the same for her: yes we are home so she may go to church like she did this morning without us but she comes home and she cannot ignore her granddaughter if she cries for her when she sees her when she walks through the door , or I had to run to Babies R us to get a food processor, more spoons/forks, transition cup and teething thing (her top two are starting 2 show)... she wanted to get out of the house so grabbed a ride. She sat in the back with her granddaughter and played with her, I went to babies r us and she went to target.... met outside in 30 minutes and she bought stuff for who: her granddaughter.

I got home and my wife wanted to finally use the grill to make pizza with the thing she bought, so dinner on me. While my wife prep the pizza, I am outside cleaning the grill and we put our daughter in her little priSon... grandma passes by: she cries for grandma while she was perfectly fine before.

Guess what? Grandma picks her up and is playing with her while I continue grilling the pizza and my wife is cleaning the kitchen/setting table .

Dinner is done, my wife is putting things away and I start the bed time process with changing her diapers. She starts crying bloody murder, grandma is in the bedroom next door and comes in and tries to soothe her while I keep trying to change her diaper and she continues to holler bloody murder.

I continue to change her and she runs downstairs and prepare her a bottle thinking that will help soothe her and brings me the bottle to have her hold while I changed her. My wife was actually not happy about that because she prefers to give her a bottle after diaper change / story time while she is about trying to put her down (makes it easier). So we both did not ask her to do it but as "grandma" she just jumped in.

So what I was trying to say: no we do not ask her to raise our daughter 24/7, never did and never will. If that was the case we would have let her take her to Haiti with her would have been easier on all of us, she would have had her own private nanny.

But she is always here unless she is at church or happen to have something plan so she is always "on" as grandma. It would be rude of my wife to take my daughter to Georgetown yesterday and the zoo and not offer her mom to go and tell her to stay home. She did offer her mom and her mom wanted to go because she was stuck at home all week with a baby, she did not stop being grandma during that trip to Georgetown and the zoo. It was a nice outing that kept them out for 9 hours , but did grandma get a break from granddaughter?

I use my day off to do groceries/run errand and that usually take me anywhere from 3-4 hours. She always ask to go with me and is hurt if I leave without her (and I get it, she also gets to get out of the house). Those 3-4 hours she is still with us and her granddaughter.

Actually she just mentioned to me that if we could get a light duty stroller for her and Carlie this way she can go out with her more often, the stroller we have is too heavy for her to handle by herself. And I think that would help her get out of the house more often and actually do things (take us/train) vs always staying within those 4 walls.

I think we need to either find her activities that gets her away to do other other things (like church but then sometimes my wife goes with her and Carlie) or find a way that we get away from the house / from her without her taking it as an insult giving her time to rest and turn grandma "off".

My mom comes and spent 10 hours with her... but she gets to go home and turn it off. My MIL room is next to my daughters room, she doesn't get to turn it off.

We consider maybe turning the basement into an official MIL suite to have her further away from us / a retreat for her but when we brought it up she was against it because that is the space we used at the time for guest room and my wife office (also family room, extra crap room, storage room, extra toys room etc).

[TheHaitian]

Sept 24, 2017 20:53:57 GMT -5 swamp said:

DD was like that. I would lay her on the floor, sit down with her between my legs, and throw my left leg over her chest to keep her from rolling away, bucking, arching, or whatever. She would scream bloody murder but I could do it quick.

I guess we need to figure out a way to make it quicker or ease her tantrum. For now we try to give her one of her teddy bears to hold or a toy or something and kinda sneak it in , distraction is our best tool.

But that only works about 20-30% of the time.... I just don't understand the meltdown or why; it is not like we are hurting her and she knows that.

[swamp]

Sept 25, 2017 0:53:52 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Sept 24, 2017 20:53:57 GMT -5 swamp said:

DD was like that. I would lay her on the floor, sit down with her between my legs, and throw my left leg over her chest to keep her from rolling away, bucking, arching, or whatever. She would scream bloody murder but I could do it quick.

I guess we need to figure out a way to make it quicker or ease her tantrum. For now we try to give her one of her teddy bears to hold or a toy or something and kinda sneak it in , distraction is our best tool.

But that only works about 20-30% of the time.... I just don't understand the meltdown or why; it is not like we are hurting her and she knows that.

Get used to tantrums for no reason.  It just happens. 

[Deleted]

Sept 24, 2017 19:55:48 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Some household chores are falling by the wayside and it is driving my wife bunkers. We are not "dirty"; just not as clean as we used to be.

Anyway my wife brought up the cleaning lady again today. So will look into it!

That's life with kids.  You have three adults (one not working) and one kid, I'd kill for a one on one ratio!  The best thing to do is just relax and quit worrying about keeping things perfect.  This Phyllis Diller quote was always hanging up in my grandma's kitchen.

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing”

[andi9899]

Sept 25, 2017 7:42:53 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Sept 24, 2017 19:55:48 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Some household chores are falling by the wayside and it is driving my wife bunkers. We are not "dirty"; just not as clean as we used to be.

Anyway my wife brought up the cleaning lady again today. So will look into it!

That's life with kids.  You have three adults (one not working) and one kid, I'd kill for a one on one ratio!  The best thing to do is just relax and quit worrying about keeping things perfect.  This Phyllis Diller quote was always hanging up in my grandma's kitchen.

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing”

Amen! My house was a disaster when the kids were little. It was pretty spotless after they got older. It's since gotten kind of out of control after we brought the twins home. Thinking your house is going to be spotless with a baby at home is setting yourself up for disappointment.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sept 25, 2017 0:53:52 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Sept 24, 2017 20:53:57 GMT -5 swamp said:

DD was like that. I would lay her on the floor, sit down with her between my legs, and throw my left leg over her chest to keep her from rolling away, bucking, arching, or whatever. She would scream bloody murder but I could do it quick.

I guess we need to figure out a way to make it quicker or ease her tantrum. For now we try to give her one of her teddy bears to hold or a toy or something and kinda sneak it in , distraction is our best tool.

But that only works about 20-30% of the time.... I just don't understand the meltdown or why; it is not like we are hurting her and she knows that.

ease a tantrum. 


Get used to it, babies have tantrums.   You can play arm chair psychologist forever but sometimes you just don't know.

As soon as Abby could roll over she no longer held still to be changed.   I've actually changed her while she stands on her head with DH holding her legs as I wipe.  You do what you gotta do.

You just learn to get faster at it. I am the fastest baby wrangler/changer in the west.  I told DH one of these days I should enter a greased pig contest, I bet I would win.