The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[cktc]

Sept 21, 2017 12:26:43 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

My MIL's fondest wish has been for one of her grand kids to call her "mimi".  Didn't stick with a single one of them.  It wasn't until the most recent great grandchild that it finally stuck, he calls her "mimi".

She gets a kick out of "other grandma".

We also have "My uncle Bob" and "Other Uncle Bob".   Those aren't names Gwen picked, those are what we started to use because we couldn't figure out which brother she was talking about.  "My" means she's talking about my brother if she's chatting with me.  If she's chatting with DH then ""my" refers to his brother.

I'm glad your MIL doesn't mind! 

DS is only 1 and I'm already so sad at the thought of being a paternal grandmother. It seems all my mom friends hate their MsIL and they always end up with restricted access 

[cktc]

Sept 21, 2017 12:43:47 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I'll ask the psychatrist and do some more reading but random poll do people think it's possible that PPD can re-wire your brain?  Especially if you never got treated for it?

The reason I ask is because I got wound tighter than a 2 cent watch over something stupid yesterday, which started a fight with DH.   After the dust settled we go to talking and I happened to mention that several of my hang ups go back to when Gwen was born.



DH didn't catch it but I did.   Thinking about it last night before I got pregnant with Gwen was the last time I felt "normal".  Since I "passed" the screening I was patted on the head and told I was fine, nobody ever explained to me that it could manifest itself as an anxiety disorder.  

I've always been high strung but in general been pretty in control of myself.  I haven't been in control really for seven years.   I thought it was 2015 that made me snap but I am starting to think I never really "unsnapped".

I think it absolutely could. I also think it's probably not too late to try and seek help for it. Hugs.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

MIL drives me nuts but that is because she is a combination of both my grandmothers so it's like hearing them in stereo.  I certainly don't hate her.

Since she is a combo of both my grandmas I already have the coping skills to deal with it. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sept 21, 2017 12:53:11 GMT -5 cktc said:

Sept 21, 2017 12:43:47 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I'll ask the psychatrist and do some more reading but random poll do people think it's possible that PPD can re-wire your brain?  Especially if you never got treated for it?

The reason I ask is because I got wound tighter than a 2 cent watch over something stupid yesterday, which started a fight with DH.   After the dust settled we go to talking and I happened to mention that several of my hang ups go back to when Gwen was born.



DH didn't catch it but I did.   Thinking about it last night before I got pregnant with Gwen was the last time I felt "normal".  Since I "passed" the screening I was patted on the head and told I was fine, nobody ever explained to me that it could manifest itself as an anxiety disorder.  

I've always been high strung but in general been pretty in control of myself.  I haven't been in control really for seven years.   I thought it was 2015 that made me snap but I am starting to think I never really "unsnapped".

I think it absolutely could. I also think it's probably not too late to try and seek help for it. Hugs.

I have an appointment on October 25th across the street.   That was as early as I could get because I am a new patient.

[cael]

Sept 21, 2017 12:50:57 GMT -5 cktc said:

Sept 21, 2017 12:26:43 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

My MIL's fondest wish has been for one of her grand kids to call her "mimi".  Didn't stick with a single one of them.  It wasn't until the most recent great grandchild that it finally stuck, he calls her "mimi".

She gets a kick out of "other grandma".

We also have "My uncle Bob" and "Other Uncle Bob".   Those aren't names Gwen picked, those are what we started to use because we couldn't figure out which brother she was talking about.  "My" means she's talking about my brother if she's chatting with me.  If she's chatting with DH then ""my" refers to his brother.

I'm glad your MIL doesn't mind! 

DS is only 1 and I'm already so sad at the thought of being a paternal grandmother. It seems all my mom friends hate their MsIL and they always end up with restricted access 

Aw, I know. I feel like I'll try too hard to be a likeable MIL so the DIL doesn't hate me and do that! My SIL has 4 boys so 4 potential DsIL, and I know she thinks about that too.

I think my mom is going to be a little sad when my brother has kids - his kids will have an equally loving, doting and available maternal grandmother to spend time with, unlike my kid, whose paternal grandmother sucks and hopefully he'll only see her once or twice a year at best. My brother's girlfriend is awesome so luckily he'll have/has good in-laws and they'll be involved grandparents - but that might make my mom a bit sad to share the good grandparent duties, lol.

[cael]

And to clarify the hating the MIL thing - I do hate my MIL, because she's a selfish shitty human being and was and still is a terrible parent to my husband and his siblings. It isn't some superficial oh I just am annoyed by her or anything like that.

[MJ2.0]

XMIL was/is annoying, overly protective/smothering of X and XBIL, and somewhat passive aggressive, but overall she is an alright person.  XFIL on the other hand....  And don't even get me started on X's maternal grandmother - talk about making passive aggression a professional sport!

[cktc]

Sept 21, 2017 13:05:58 GMT -5 cael said:

Sept 21, 2017 12:50:57 GMT -5 cktc said:

I'm glad your MIL doesn't mind! 

DS is only 1 and I'm already so sad at the thought of being a paternal grandmother. It seems all my mom friends hate their MsIL and they always end up with restricted access 

Aw, I know. I feel like I'll try too hard to be a likeable MIL so the DIL doesn't hate me and do that! My SIL has 4 boys so 4 potential DsIL, and I know she thinks about that too.

I think my mom is going to be a little sad when my brother has kids - his kids will have an equally loving, doting and available maternal grandmother to spend time with, unlike my kid, whose paternal grandmother sucks and hopefully he'll only see her once or twice a year at best. My brother's girlfriend is awesome so luckily he'll have/has good in-laws and they'll be involved grandparents - but that might make my mom a bit sad to share the good grandparent duties, lol.

I'm going to shamelessly do that 

And I totally understand about your MIL. I remember you've posted some pretty depressing things about how she has been.

I think another issue is men aren't always as close to their parents. My DH maybe talks to his folks like once a month when they call. I have zero issues with my MIL, but she lives a couple hours out of town and we only see her a few times a year. I don't really feel to put in extra effort when they are happy with the arrangement.

[giramomma]

Sept 21, 2017 10:23:38 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Gira, do you have a highchair on the list? That's about all I can think of at the moment. My work shower was pretty much all clothes, which was ridiculous.

I forgot to mention, we unearthed our space saver high chair in the basement. I was pretty excited about that.

Bowls, spoons, etc make good Easter Bunny gifts..so we'll wait until later for that.

[WholeLottaNothin]

Sept 21, 2017 12:58:13 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Sept 21, 2017 12:53:11 GMT -5 cktc said:

I think it absolutely could. I also think it's probably not too late to try and seek help for it. Hugs.

I have an appointment on October 25th across the street.   That was as early as I could get because I am a new patient.

Do you mind reporting back what they think? I wonder about this too. I've not felt like myself since I had Roggie and it has been years. Added stress on top of it I'm sure hasn't helped, but when I just read your post, I think it's been that long for me too. I hate asking for help, stubborn to a fault.

[mmhmm]

Sept 21, 2017 12:58:13 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Sept 21, 2017 12:53:11 GMT -5 cktc said:

I think it absolutely could. I also think it's probably not too late to try and seek help for it. Hugs.

I have an appointment on October 25th across the street.   That was as early as I could get because I am a new patient.

Glad you've got an appointment and are approaching this proactively. I'm not sure PPD can cause the problems you're having but I do believe there's a predisposition (probably genetic) to this condition. Once PPD manifests I don't find it unlikely that the "hidden tiger" has been released, to coin a phrase. Underlying difficulties that had not presented as problems previously could have been triggered by the PPD. I hope you're able to find the answer.

[Pants]

Sept 21, 2017 14:39:11 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

Sept 21, 2017 12:58:13 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I have an appointment on October 25th across the street.   That was as early as I could get because I am a new patient.

Glad you've got an appointment and are approaching this proactively. I'm not sure PPD can cause the problems you're having but I do believe there's a predisposition (probably genetic) to this condition. Once PPD manifests I don't find it unlikely that the "hidden tiger" has been released, to coin a phrase. Underlying difficulties that had not presented as problems previously could have been triggered by the PPD. I hope you're able to find the answer.

I agree. Except the tiger is crouching, it's the dragon that's hidden. 

Duh. 

[mmhmm]

Sept 21, 2017 15:56:01 GMT -5 Pants said:

Sept 21, 2017 14:39:11 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

Glad you've got an appointment and are approaching this proactively. I'm not sure PPD can cause the problems you're having but I do believe there's a predisposition (probably genetic) to this condition. Once PPD manifests I don't find it unlikely that the "hidden tiger" has been released, to coin a phrase. Underlying difficulties that had not presented as problems previously could have been triggered by the PPD. I hope you're able to find the answer.

I agree. Except the tiger is crouching, it's the dragon that's hidden. 

Duh. 

LOL! I hadn't even thought about that movie but that's probably where my subliminal thought came from. Guess it's a dragger (or is it a tigon?)

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I don't think I am explaining it well.   I've always been high strung but it didn't turn into full blown anxiety till I got pregnant with Gwen.  I did the screening but since I checked "no" on all teh boxes they let me go.  In reality, after having kid #2 and doing the screening again, I realized I had A LOT of the symptoms with Gwen but rationalized them away.   I wasn't until I had something to compare it to that I realized how off I actually was.    I wish the OB had walked thru the questionaire with me instead of taking my answers at face value.  Midwife didn't talk to me about my test either come to think about it.

Then 2015 rolled around and I would dare anyone to come out from that without being a little messed up. I came out A LOT messed up. I assumed that I would adjust as DH and I got settled into our roles and started to climb out of the hole.

I'm not adjusting.  Now I am wondering if I EVER actually adjusted.  I am not saying I have PPD but that something "snapped" seven years ago and never went back into place because I never sought help for it.  DH and my mom tried to convince me but since "the screening said I don't have a problem" I believed that over them.

Now it's gotten to where it affects our marriage and I am also afraid I'm going to have a stroke if I don't figure out how to get a handle on it again.  All my CBT tricks are not working anymore.

[muttleynfelix]

My MIL was very hands off. But she was older and content just to observe. We'll just have to see. My family was raised that you work to get along with family (I was like 15 and I asked my dad how he got along with his MIL when she was difficult to get along and society has that stereotype of not getting along and he told me you just have work on it and make the choice to get along).

If history repeats itself, Ben won't marry until late 30s/early 40s. We'll just see what happens.

[Lizard Queen]

I was always kind of low-strung, but after dealing with my dad dying, and then my mom's health scares, I got to a point that I felt alarmed much of the time. I didn't realize it was anxiety until I recognized some of the same overreactions coming from me that my DH displayed, and he was recently (at the time) diagnosed. His trigger was a stressful job that he got let go from unexpectedly.

Now I sort of recognize that I've always had it to some degree, despite my calmness as a child, and I think my depression was maybe a coping mechanism for it.

[quince]

I totally believe PPD can rewire you. Being angry all the time can rewire you to be angry easier. Being anxious and reinforcing it can make you more anxious. The shit cocktail of post partum hormones and sleep deprivation? I would be surprised if it didn't leave a mark.

[NastyWoman]

Sept 21, 2017 12:31:15 GMT -5 alabamagal said:

Sept 21, 2017 10:29:46 GMT -5 chen35 said:

DH's oldest is 17. When he says things like, "We could be grandparents in 5 years" I tell him that no, he could be a grandparent in 5 years. That's the one time I refuse to claim his kids as my own  

He could be a grandparent in 9 months

I am thankful my kids made it through that time period.  They are now 23-26 and we are not grandparents.  DD got pregnant last year (at 25) but miscarried, so I already went through the "I'm not ready yet" shock.  DD and her husband would like to try again as soon as possible.  It's not possible right now because they are in different states while he is in Army basic/advanced training.  But I expect I will be grandparent by next year.  Only problems is they will be in Germany.

Grandmas in Germany are called oma. And I should know. It is the same in Dutch. When DGS1 was born my DDIL asked what I wanted to be called. I didn't really care as long as I was allowed to cuddle the baby. So I said oma to leave all American versions to the other grandmother to pick from.

Funny story about this: until March this year DS and his family lived in Seattle and DGS1 was the only child in his preschool to have an oma. In March they moved to Munich where just about every kid has an oma and now DGS1 is the only one that has a grandma in his preschool  

DGS2 is only a few months old  so this does not apply to him 

[finnime]

Depression generally is known to effectively rewire the brain. I would be very surprised if the type of depression (PPD vs. situational vs. recurrent major) made a difference in this result.

Like mmhmm, I'm really glad you have an appointment to find some help. Over time you may have just juggled enough to not expect anything different.

[TheOtherMe]

No kids for me, but my sister has two grandchildren.  She didn't want to be called Grandma Last Name because her husband's mother was still living and that is what her kids called her MIL.  So it's Grandma First Name and the other grandma is also Grandma First Name.  That gets really weird because niece's husband's parents have both married and divorced several times.  The kids have two grandma's named Kathy. 

Sister's kids called our parents Grandma I and Poppy D.  They loved it.

[zibazinski]

My mother didn't want to be called Grandma or Grandmother. Of course she wasn't much interested in being a mom either so my kids called her "mom's mom." I think it's hysterical and if DD has kids, I want to be called that. For different reasons of course.

[empress of self-improvement]

Paternal grandmother was Grammy. Maternal step-grandmother was Diana. My mother's mom died long before I was a glimmer in anyone's eye so no idea what she would have been. Grandfather was an uptight, anal retentive twat so probably Grandmother.
No kids here either but my mother would probably have been Grammy as well. Beats "That Old Bag" which was my pet name for her sometimes.  Then again, DH's mother is Grammy as well but we don't need to worry about it. Unless the cats start talking. Then I'll worry.

[Lizard Queen]

I had a babcia, and a little (in Polish, I can't spell it)--babcia. Grandfathers were both home when I came around. My mom is ba-chee, which is how my niece said babcia when I was little. Them the rest were grandma-first name and grandpa first name, until there was only one left alive. Now it's just grandma and grandpa. The grandma is off the boat Dutch, and ODS pronounced grandma in a way that sounded like oma when he was really little. Not sure how the kids should address FILs new wife now. Seems kind of sudden to have them call her grandma already.

[NastyWoman]

Sept 21, 2017 19:37:25 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

Paternal grandmother was Grammy. Maternal step-grandmother was Diana. My mother's mom died long before I was a glimmer in anyone's eye so no idea what she would have been. Grandfather was an uptight, anal retentive twat so probably Grandmother.
No kids here either but my mother would probably have been Grammy as well. Beats "That Old Bag" which was my pet name for her sometimes.  Then again, DH's mother is Grammy as well but we don't need to worry about it. Unless the cats start talking. Then I'll worry.

No Sh*t! I would worry as well if cats would start talking

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sept 21, 2017 9:57:38 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Sept 21, 2017 9:18:31 GMT -5 chen35 said:

My issue is I'm 37 and DH is 40. I don't really want to have a kid at 40. I know a lot of people do, but I'm exhausted now, and that's not going to get any better.

I'm not a baby pusher but...

Who was it on the board that said it wasn't your age when you had kids that made you tired, but raising children that made you tired?  I really think that's true and yes, you are going to be tired for a very, very, very long time.  Supposedly it gets better as they get older, although I can't yet speak from experience on that.  I mean you're going to be tired whether you do, or whether you don't so....

it gets different. Not saying better just different

[andi9899]

Sept 21, 2017 12:33:50 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Mimi? Did no one else watch Drew Carey? I will forever associate that name with the character on the show.

Thanks for bursting my bubble. Now you have to come up with a new name for me.

[Wisconsin Beth]

My kids inherited names for grandparents on my side, they're grandkids 9 and 10 for my parents. It was easier.

We asked mil and fil what they wanted to be called and explained what my parents would be called. They opted for Grand pops and Grandmo. Dh calls them pops and mo so it works.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sept 21, 2017 21:13:21 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Sept 21, 2017 12:33:50 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Mimi? Did no one else watch Drew Carey? I will forever associate that name with the character on the show.

Thanks for bursting my bubble. Now you have to come up with a new name for me.

Awesome Grandma Andi of course. Or Aga for short.

[andi9899]

Sept 21, 2017 13:52:39 GMT -5 cktc said:

Sept 21, 2017 13:05:58 GMT -5 cael said:

Aw, I know. I feel like I'll try too hard to be a likeable MIL so the DIL doesn't hate me and do that! My SIL has 4 boys so 4 potential DsIL, and I know she thinks about that too.

I think my mom is going to be a little sad when my brother has kids - his kids will have an equally loving, doting and available maternal grandmother to spend time with, unlike my kid, whose paternal grandmother sucks and hopefully he'll only see her once or twice a year at best. My brother's girlfriend is awesome so luckily he'll have/has good in-laws and they'll be involved grandparents - but that might make my mom a bit sad to share the good grandparent duties, lol.

I'm going to shamelessly do that 

And I totally understand about your MIL. I remember you've posted some pretty depressing things about how she has been.

I think another issue is men aren't always as close to their parents. My DH maybe talks to his folks like once a month when they call. I have zero issues with my MIL, but she lives a couple hours out of town and we only see her a few times a year. I don't really feel to put in extra effort when they are happy with the arrangement.

That must be cultural. Hispanic men are horrible mama's boys. That's actually why I wanted boys instead of girls. We don't dislike the MIL, they dislike us because we're never good enough for their baby. I can't tell you how many times Baby Daddy said "my mom doesn't do it that way" and I've suggested that he go hang out with his mom then. Mexican moms are put on pedestals.

[justme]

Sept 21, 2017 21:56:08 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Sept 21, 2017 13:52:39 GMT -5 cktc said:

I'm going to shamelessly do that 

And I totally understand about your MIL. I remember you've posted some pretty depressing things about how she has been.

I think another issue is men aren't always as close to their parents. My DH maybe talks to his folks like once a month when they call. I have zero issues with my MIL, but she lives a couple hours out of town and we only see her a few times a year. I don't really feel to put in extra effort when they are happy with the arrangement.

That must be cultural. Hispanic men are horrible mama's boys. That's actually why I wanted boys instead of girls. We don't dislike the MIL, they dislike us because we're never good enough for their baby. I can't tell you how many times Baby Daddy said "my mom doesn't do it that way" and I've suggested that he go hang out with his mom then. Mexican moms are put on pedestals.

There's a lot of stuff going on to predict. My bro kowtowed to his first wife so much so that after 3 yrs of mothers day w her mom when I called and said we need to do something for ours he had the audacity to say she should drive almost an hour (it was 2 for me!) To joining his mils brunch! Fast forward to current wife and they spend prob more time with our side even before they moved closer, but it's still mostly equal (and I have a drinking buddy with her younger sis when I forget she's 10 years younger than me lol!). Though my dad will mow down his own kids to hold the babies and I heard the second was several months old and other grandpa hadn't held her yet - but he's got 4 kids and a wife to compete.