The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[cktc]

Sept 11, 2017 15:07:09 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

------------/--

And I think a lot of our frustration has to do with we are both freaking tired, so freaking tired. She states how she has not slept a full night since she was about 7 months pregnant ... so 1 year now.

Between my sleep apnea and working 70/80 hours a week, I am right there with her. Add a baby to the mix and it just BOOM!!!

I told her I was off tomorrow and Wednesday so I can take over night feeding but then she wakes up anyway so defeats the purpose because she is mama bear and have to make sure everything is ok. I was thinking about just booking a hotel room for her and her mom the next 2 nights so they can get some rest while I am home the next 2 days.

The first year is tough, so tough. It does get easier eventually though.

For whatever it is worth from the peanut gallery, I think you and your wife have a really strong relationship. You've survived multiple job losses, an out of state move, and infertility treatments. You might not always agree on spending and saving, but you are still well ahead of the curve financially so I think big picture wise you aren't even that out of sync. 

You are both under a lot of stress with work, add a new baby and it's difficult when you barely have time for anything or anyone not to start seeing your partner as an adversary, but they aren't. You are a team and no one else will want better for Carly and your future. Focus on your mutual goals, remind each other of the big picture and don't get too bogged down in the little drudges of the day to day.  I'm very pro counselling, individual and couples, but understand with limited time it can just seem like another chore, but maybe another thing to look at more as good for the big picture. You won't have this job, and Carly won't be a baby forever, but hurtful things you say to each other have a way of lingering.

[Lizard Queen]

Sept 11, 2017 15:43:24 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I think I'd find out their info so my child could establish a relationship later...like 18 years old later.  There's just so much potential for weird to come into play here.  I mean is this now "family"?  Do you feel obligated to help them out financially if they fall on hard times?  Arrange play dates?  I do have a lot of adoption in my family and most are closed so I'm kind of coming from that place.  My Mom put my brother up for adoption before I was born and he found us again when I was 34.  He still comes to our family things, but I don't know that we've ever had any sibling bond.  I feel closer to my stepbrothers that I grew up with. 

This. I dated an adoptee for many years, met his birth mother and her other kids. I get it. It's just the whole kind of growing up together vibe on FB that I find really weird, and unfair to Carl.

[raeoflyte]

Sept 11, 2017 15:43:24 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I think I'd find out their info so my child could establish a relationship later...like 18 years old later.  There's just so much potential for weird to come into play here.  I mean is this now "family"?  Do you feel obligated to help them out financially if they fall on hard times?  Arrange play dates?  I do have a lot of adoption in my family and most are closed so I'm kind of coming from that place.  My Mom put my brother up for adoption before I was born and he found us again when I was 34.  He still comes to our family things, but I don't know that we've ever had any sibling bond.  I feel closer to my stepbrothers that I grew up with. 

They aren't family, not the way you're picturing.  People who used donor specimen to have a baby wanted a baby, not an extended family.  Sure there are wackadoodles out there, but there is no expectation that you now have an extra family to include in everything.  Specimen is often  shipped, so many of the other couples may never have been in the same state as the Carl's.  
 
Maybe they exchange pictures, or possibly get together once a year...once every few years and the kids can see other people who maybe look like them, or sound like them.  Maybe they hit it off with the half siblings and decide to stay in touch, or maybe not.  

Your brother aside, I think (and I could be wrong) your perspective is coming from the side of people who have adopted kids and don't have contact with the bio parents.  This is from the perspective of the kids who wonder what those bio parents (or in this case donor) are like.  I have a cousin who had a daughter and the mother left with the daughter as a baby and showed back up when daughter was 16.  The daughter wandered around our house looking at pictures and was amazed that there were people in the world that looked like she did because she spent her entire life being the oddball that her siblings picked on.  

None of this is to say that Carl should feel like he has to join a facebook group.  Just to give more perspective on what to expect of the type of meet ups that happen between families with half siblings.  

[Wisconsin Beth]

Sept 11, 2017 15:52:34 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Sept 11, 2017 15:43:24 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I think I'd find out their info so my child could establish a relationship later...like 18 years old later.  There's just so much potential for weird to come into play here.  I mean is this now "family"?  Do you feel obligated to help them out financially if they fall on hard times?  Arrange play dates?  I do have a lot of adoption in my family and most are closed so I'm kind of coming from that place.  My Mom put my brother up for adoption before I was born and he found us again when I was 34.  He still comes to our family things, but I don't know that we've ever had any sibling bond.  I feel closer to my stepbrothers that I grew up with. 

My thought on it is that even though the kids may have come from the same donor these people are strangers with all the issues that can come with inviting them into your lives.  It seems like it would be easy to fall into a scam/co-dependent relationship because these people are "family" to your kid.   Boundaries that both parties agree to and 100% stick to are really really important here.

I would caution Mrs C to be very careful about romantisizing the idea of Carlie's siblings.  I agree to you should contact the IVF counselor to discuss the issue before she starts handing out photos.

this. Dn#6 ran away to her half siblings last year. They wouldn't talk to any of us.

Now, these are kids whose biological mother is a junkie and the fathers are mostly inknown so it's a vastly different set of circumstances. Just be careful in opening that door.

[zibazinski]

Sept 11, 2017 15:42:35 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Sept 11, 2017 13:59:05 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

You sort of did.  She had the job that most moms dream about . . . one where she could work from home with her mother caring for Carlie.  She has never sounded very ambitious whereas you are.  She "worked," but it was a job that worked for her.  She didn't have to do all the juggling that working parents do.  I'm not saying your position is right or wrong.  That's not for me or anyone else to judge.  The marriage belongs exclusively to you and her.  But you did sound very determined that she find a better-paying job even though it meant working outside the home.

You think it was bad today?   Wait until the impact of only having one car really hits as two people with varying schedules try to share a car.

Fun times ahead.  

One can't force another adult to really do anything. And do you really expect him to kill himself working all those hours and her do whatever she wants with no regard for finances. If she wants all her pretty shiny little things, she's going to need to work for it.

It seems her strategy is to say she just needs $20 after pissing away thousands on clothes and other crap. That, and sex, always seems to work with Carl.  It's called appeasement .

[MJ2.0]

Sept 11, 2017 14:41:11 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I dated a guy who'd been a sperm donor. He never realized the consequences of what he'd done-did it for the money-until he had kids of his own. He regrets it big time now because he worries about his own kids marrying close relations. He's never told his kids that he donated. I'd want more info about the donor and I would totally nix any further pursuing of half siblings until you decide what you're going to do with your marriage.

The kids accidentally dating or sleeping with half siblings is the main reason why I'd want to be in the loop - pictures and all.

[quince]

I got sunburned yesterday, and my pallid spouse and children did not. I believe this to be the consequence of my son being the one to put the sunscreen on my back.

I put the sunscreen on all three of them, and they're fine.  

[Pants]

Sept 11, 2017 18:29:40 GMT -5 quince said:

I got sunburned yesterday, and my pallid spouse and children did not. I believe this to be the consequence of my son being the one to put the sunscreen on my back.

I put the sunscreen on all three of them, and they're fine.  

Yeah... 4 year olds are great at many things. Sunscreen application not one of them...

[Deleted]

I haven't had a burn in years but my nose is red and peeling after that yard sale last week.

[zibazinski]

What was wrong with the last patio set? Didn't that cost a small fortune too? Who are the people you're trying to desperately to impress?

[Works4me]

Did the last patio set make the move with you or did you sell it to the people who bought that house?

Add me to the chorus of get marriage counseling and if she won't go, you go alone. Aside from everything listed above, there is the fact that both you and your wife grew up in a home without a father, let alone an active, involved father like you are. Therefore you have no blueprint in your head of how it should go. Especially your wife and her mother may be inclined to see that as normal and may be sabotaging things at home. Not purposely but simply because they have no,idea of how to raise children with the father there.

Just my thoughts.

[zibazinski]

They sold it, the last set

[zibazinski]

Sept 12, 2017 1:09:02 GMT -5 Works4me said:

Did the last patio set make the move with you or did you sell it to the people who bought that house?

Add me tomthe chorus of get marriage counseling and if she won't go, you go alone. Aside from everything listed above, there is the fact that both you and your wife grew up in a home without an active, involved father. Therefore you have no blueprint in your head of how it should go. Especially your wife and her mother may be inclined to see that as normal and may be sabotaging things at home. Not purposely but simply because they have no,idea of how to raise children with the father there.

Just my thoughts.

Someone who is working a billion hours to provide a lifestyle for others isn't going to be much of a role model either. I hope they don't raise that little girl to view men as nothing more than a wallet.

[Lizard Queen]

Speaking of vertigo, I think I've got it this morning. I got up, and kept leaning to the left walking down the hall. It's not severe, but I had to lay back down and felt nauseous for a few minutes. Broke out in a sweat, too. Thought I might have to keep the kid home from school, but improved quickly enough to get his lunch ready and drive him to school.
I could feel fluid sloshing around in my sinuses before getting up, so I think that must be the cause. I took a Zyrtec, so hopefully that will take care of it. It's still bugging me a little to lay all the way down.

[cael]

Sept 11, 2017 15:07:09 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

------------/--

And I think a lot of our frustration has to do with we are both freaking tired, so freaking tired. She states how she has not slept a full night since she was about 7 months pregnant ... so 1 year now.

Between my sleep apnea and working 70/80 hours a week, I am right there with her. Add a baby to the mix and it just BOOM!!!

I told her I was off tomorrow and Wednesday so I can take over night feeding but then she wakes up anyway so defeats the purpose because she is mama bear and have to make sure everything is ok. I was thinking about just booking a hotel room for her and her mom the next 2 nights so they can get some rest while I am home the next 2 days.

Carl sorry things are so hard right now, I know how hard shit can be even in a strong relationship when babies are thrown in the mix.. point A: that's exactly how I felt, didn't get a full night's sleep from about the same time until I was in Vegas with my friend when Ant was 9 months old. It was strange to not feel tired. and to point B, that's a hard thing to get over and I struggle with it all the time - whether I think DH is doing something "wrong" or not, I always wake up when he does and always prefer to just deal with him myself no matter how tired I am. Could you let your wife sleep downstairs for a night and take the baby? My husband slept on the couch with the baby monitor the night before I drove to Jersey last week so I could get a full nights sleep. I also put on our loud ass rattly AC to drown out any noise from the living room. It worked great, baby did well that night and I actually slept most of the night.

A hotel room might be nice too! Being totally away from the baby is really the only time I relax while sleeping (or if he's in bed with me, I sleep well if he does). I hope you guys right things soon... definitely advise trying counseling like others have. Hugs!

[taz157]

I had to get another blood test to check my HCG levels after my miscarriage. It's been 5 weeks since it started. My levels were 46,000 then were 342 when tested 2 weeks ago. Yesterday, they were 7! My midwife considers it negative at 6 and below. She'd like me to go again in another week or 2. I'll go next Monday.

[zibazinski]

Sept 12, 2017 7:55:05 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Speaking of vertigo, I think I've got it this morning. I got up, and kept leaning to the left walking down the hall. It's not severe, but I had to lay back down and felt nauseous for a few minutes. Broke out in a sweat, too. Thought I might have to keep the kid home from school, but improved quickly enough to get his lunch ready and drive him to school.
I could feel fluid sloshing around in my sinuses before getting up, so I think that must be the cause. I took a Zyrtec, so hopefully that will take care of it. It's still bugging me a little to lay all the way down.

Oh crap.

[Lizard Queen]

Sept 12, 2017 10:43:05 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Sept 12, 2017 7:55:05 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Speaking of vertigo, I think I've got it this morning. I got up, and kept leaning to the left walking down the hall. It's not severe, but I had to lay back down and felt nauseous for a few minutes. Broke out in a sweat, too. Thought I might have to keep the kid home from school, but improved quickly enough to get his lunch ready and drive him to school.
I could feel fluid sloshing around in my sinuses before getting up, so I think that must be the cause. I took a Zyrtec, so hopefully that will take care of it. It's still bugging me a little to lay all the way down.

Oh crap.

I'm better now. Bought some more allergy medicine/antihistamine in case it comes back. Hopefully that was the cause.

[empress of self-improvement]

Sept 12, 2017 14:42:51 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Sept 12, 2017 10:43:05 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Oh crap.

I'm better now. Bought some more allergy medicine/antihistamine in case it comes back. Hopefully that was the cause.

I wish DH's was that easy to deal with. Maybe I'll buy some.

[zibazinski]

DH used to take the stuff you have to get from behind the counter. I never even knew this stuff was used to make meth. The pharmacist had to tell me. But he said it worked too.

[Sam_2.0]

Drive-by - really trying to read and keep up!!

I have to give my DH some credit, he has stepped up in counseling and taken some pretty hard hits recently. And he is actively working through things with both his counselor and mine. THings still really suck right now and we have a LOT to go through, but there's a glimmer of hope. Fucking funamentalist religion bullshit messed us both up - a lot - and he needs his chance to work through the stuff that I've already gone over.

Work is getting more stressful by the day. Utility company with 1M customers changing billing systems - and I am IN billing - along with a merger supposed to happen at the same time. Plan is still for me to change roles into more of the metering side, so not only am I working meetings from a billing perspective I have to learn the metering side at the same time. I will be so glad for next spring to get here because no matter how shitty it is, we should only have 1 system to deal with and not 3 (or 5). 

And now T is sick for the first time really and I know he will be fine, but I can't help but freak out a bit because this was the age J landed in the hospital for a week with RSV. I don't need that stress on top of everything else. Hoping little guy sleeps well tonight and doesn't have me up every 2 hours like last night.

[zibazinski]

Sept 12, 2017 21:02:35 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Drive-by - really trying to read and keep up!!

I have to give my DH some credit, he has stepped up in counseling and taken some pretty hard hits recently. And he is actively working through things with both his counselor and mine. THings still really suck right now and we have a LOT to go through, but there's a glimmer of hope. Fucking funamentalist religion bullshit messed us both up - a lot - and he needs his chance to work through the stuff that I've already gone over.

Work is getting more stressful by the day. Utility company with 1M customers changing billing systems - and I am IN billing - along with a merger supposed to happen at the same time. Plan is still for me to change roles into more of the metering side, so not only am I working meetings from a billing perspective I have to learn the metering side at the same time. I will be so glad for next spring to get here because no matter how shitty it is, we should only have 1 system to deal with and not 3 (or 5). 

And now T is sick for the first time really and I know he will be fine, but I can't help but freak out a bit because this was the age J landed in the hospital for a week with RSV. I don't need that stress on top of everything else. Hoping little guy sleeps well tonight and doesn't have me up every 2 hours like last night.

I'm happy for your news about the counseling and hope you all rest and recover asap.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Getting annoyed with Gwen.   After begging me and begging me to take karate we signed her up.  Now she is bitching that it is boring and "hard work" and she doesn't want to do it anymore.  I could certainly take that $75 and put it to use elsewhere so it is tempting to let her quit.

I also noticed she was goofing off in class last night while I was watching.  She has no troubles with obtaining her belt, she is absorbing the material, but acting like a doofus is really disrespectful and a key tenet of karate is she is supposed to respect the mat/her master/the art.

They asked if I was stil interested in black black training and I told them not at this time, Gwen is not showing me that she has the patience and commitment for me to make that investment.

We had a talk in the car and I told her we've already paid for October so that is a done deal.   IF she wants to quit then that it it.   I said you bitched about ballet and goofed off in class, you bitched about tap/jazz and goofed off in class, you bitched about cheer leading and goofed of in class.  You are DONE if you quit karate, mommy is not spending anymore more on activities. 

I am really tired of paying for all this stuff only to have her constantly whine about how much it sucks, wanting to skip class and not practicing.   I said we switched to karate because you complained that dance was not fun and was boring.  Now you are complaining karate is not fun and want to go back to dancing.

NOPE.  I can think of a lot of things to do with the $75 we're shelling out for karate, plus $40 per belt and that's two hours of my life a week I get back.

Trying to decide if I should make her stick with it thru the end of the year. I feel like I've let her bail on too much stuff already so she's gotten the message that any time you get bored just quit and move on till you get bored again.  I'll take to DH about it and see what he thinks.

[Pants]

Sept 14, 2017 8:36:47 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Getting annoyed with Gwen.   After begging me and begging me to take karate we signed her up.  Now she is bitching that it is boring and "hard work" and she doesn't want to do it anymore.  I could certainly take that $75 and put it to use elsewhere so it is tempting to let her quit.

I also noticed she was goofing off in class last night while I was watching.  She has no troubles with obtaining her belt, she is absorbing the material, but acting like a doofus is really disrespectful and a key tenet of karate is she is supposed to respect the mat/her master/the art.

They asked if I was stil interested in black black training and I told them not at this time, Gwen is not showing me that she has the patience and commitment for me to make that investment.

We had a talk in the car and I told her we've already paid for October so that is a done deal.   IF she wants to quit then that it it.   I said you bitched about ballet and goofed off in class, you bitched about tap/jazz and goofed off in class, you bitched about cheer leading and goofed of in class.  You are DONE if you quit karate, mommy is not spending anymore more on activities. 

I am really tired of paying for all this stuff only to have her constantly whine about how much it sucks, wanting to skip class and not practicing.   I said we switched to karate because you complained that dance was not fun and was boring.  Now you are complaining karate is not fun and want to go back to dancing.

NOPE.  I can think of a lot of things to do with the $75 we're shelling out for karate, plus $40 per belt and that's two hours of my life a week I get back.

Trying to decide if I should make her stick with it thru the end of the year. I feel like I've let her bail on too much stuff already so she's gotten the message that any time you get bored just quit and move on till you get bored again.  I'll take to DH about it and see what he thinks.

I'd let her quit and say "no more activities for a year." Then those two hours a week go into other types of activities at home - whether that's studying, cleaning, whatever. Activities are a privilege little G. The shit we find to replace them are far less fun... 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I've been thinking about that too.   I've already told her if we let her quit that's it she's not doing anything for the rest of the year and I am not enrolling her in anything else when it comes time to next summer.

It also irritates me because she shows a natural talent for both.  Her dance instructors and her karate teachers are all really impressed with her.   If she would just focus a tiny bit she could really excel but she doesn't want to put in the effort.

She thinks she wants to do gymnastics and soccer.   Umm. .. hell no.  Not only because they are both freakishly expensive but with the types of jobs DH and I have we can't follow a strict schedule, we had enough trouble with dance.   I sure as heck don't see the level of drive in Gwen that I would expect from her if we were to shell out for either of those activities.

[Deleted]

You can play soccer and take a gymnastics class without going all out. It doesn't have to be a time and $ suck to try new things.

[Deleted]

75$ was for how long? Have her finish that time amount maybe? Or 'pay you back' by doing extra chores if she doesn't.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sept 14, 2017 9:22:59 GMT -5 oped said:

You can play soccer and take a gymnastics class without going all out. It doesn't have to be a time and $ suck to try new things.

We've tried four new things in the past two years.  Every single thing she complained about once it stopped being new and she was expected to practice.  I'm done.  I am no longer enamored with the idea of giving my kids "experiences" and "trying new things".  I seem to have bred into her a sense of entitlement and the idea that you don't have to stick with anything if you feel you are bored and there is something better on the horizon.

Part of that may be she's seven years old.  If that is the case we can try again when she is older.

It's $75 per month, September's payment comes out today. I chose to make karate a priority because it was important to her.  She's paying me back by finishing the month.

I'm not saying she can never do anything.   I'm happy to pay $40 for an art class at the museum.  I am just done with things that require monthly installments and regular practice/class time.  She's shown she's not as ready for those types of things as DH and I thought she was.

[andi9899]

Sept 14, 2017 9:04:42 GMT -5 Pants said:

Sept 14, 2017 8:36:47 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Getting annoyed with Gwen.   After begging me and begging me to take karate we signed her up.  Now she is bitching that it is boring and "hard work" and she doesn't want to do it anymore.  I could certainly take that $75 and put it to use elsewhere so it is tempting to let her quit.

I also noticed she was goofing off in class last night while I was watching.  She has no troubles with obtaining her belt, she is absorbing the material, but acting like a doofus is really disrespectful and a key tenet of karate is she is supposed to respect the mat/her master/the art.

They asked if I was stil interested in black black training and I told them not at this time, Gwen is not showing me that she has the patience and commitment for me to make that investment.

We had a talk in the car and I told her we've already paid for October so that is a done deal.   IF she wants to quit then that it it.   I said you bitched about ballet and goofed off in class, you bitched about tap/jazz and goofed off in class, you bitched about cheer leading and goofed of in class.  You are DONE if you quit karate, mommy is not spending anymore more on activities. 

I am really tired of paying for all this stuff only to have her constantly whine about how much it sucks, wanting to skip class and not practicing.   I said we switched to karate because you complained that dance was not fun and was boring.  Now you are complaining karate is not fun and want to go back to dancing.

NOPE.  I can think of a lot of things to do with the $75 we're shelling out for karate, plus $40 per belt and that's two hours of my life a week I get back.

Trying to decide if I should make her stick with it thru the end of the year. I feel like I've let her bail on too much stuff already so she's gotten the message that any time you get bored just quit and move on till you get bored again.  I'll take to DH about it and see what he thinks.

I'd let her quit and say "no more activities for a year." Then those two hours a week go into other types of activities at home - whether that's studying, cleaning, whatever. Activities are a privilege little G. The shit we find to replace them are far less fun... 

Cleaning can be a workout.  Not as fun as karate, but gets you moving around.  Especially when one of your big complaints is that no one cleans the house but you.  I'd totally replace karate with chores.  

[andi9899]

Sept 14, 2017 9:07:07 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I've been thinking about that too.   I've already told her if we let her quit that's it she's not doing anything for the rest of the year and I am not enrolling her in anything else when it comes time to next summer.

It also irritates me because she shows a natural talent for both.  Her dance instructors and her karate teachers are all really impressed with her.   If she would just focus a tiny bit she could really excel but she doesn't want to put in the effort.

She thinks she wants to do gymnastics and soccer.   Umm. .. hell no.  Not only because they are both freakishly expensive but with the types of jobs DH and I have we can't follow a strict schedule, we had enough trouble with dance.   I sure as heck don't see the level of drive in Gwen that I would expect from her if we were to shell out for either of those activities.

Do you have a parks & rec soccer league?  When the girls played in ours, it was something like $50 for the whole season and we went to two 1 hour practices and had one game on Saturday.