The kid thread: Planning, pregnancy & parenting

[Deleted]

Sept 11, 2017 13:07:13 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Today was my wife first day of work outside the home, I dropped her off!

Again we got into an argument because she is making it sound like I am forcing her to take a job outside the home and she would be home with Carlie right now if it wasn't for me.

That argument is getting old from the lady that spent $1,700 on outdoor patio furniture she had to have, $700 on new clothes to go back to work, over 2k so far on clothes for Carlie.

When I tell her that she said it is a husband job to support his wife, that I asked her to marry me and not the other way around. So I told her in that case I will ask her to divorce me to undo that problem because I refuse to work 70-80 hours a week just to die broke. Tired of being the one juggling the bills and figuring how everything fits together ...

I have been sleeping in the basement for the past month now or so because I am tired of the arguments and snarky comments. At this point I even started to look at apartments, went on the DC website to check how much I would be paying in child support and what not and how much would be left over.

You sort of did.  She had the job that most moms dream about . . . one where she could work from home with her mother caring for Carlie.  She has never sounded very ambitious whereas you are.  She "worked," but it was a job that worked for her.  She didn't have to do all the juggling that working parents do.  I'm not saying your position is right or wrong.  That's not for me or anyone else to judge.  The marriage belongs exclusively to you and her.  But you did sound very determined that she find a better-paying job even though it meant working outside the home.

You think it was bad today?   Wait until the impact of only having one car really hits as two people with varying schedules try to share a car.

Fun times ahead.  

[emma1420]

Sept 11, 2017 13:07:13 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Today was my wife first day of work outside the home, I dropped her off!

Again we got into an argument because she is making it sound like I am forcing her to take a job outside the home and she would be home with Carlie right now if it wasn't for me.

That argument is getting old from the lady that spent $1,700 on outdoor patio furniture she had to have, $700 on new clothes to go back to work, over 2k so far on clothes for Carlie.

When I tell her that she said it is a husband job to support his wife, that I asked her to marry me and not the other way around. So I told her in that case I will ask her to divorce me to undo that problem because I refuse to work 70-80 hours a week just to die broke. Tired of being the one juggling the bills and figuring how everything fits together ...

I have been sleeping in the basement for the past month now or so because I am tired of the arguments and snarky comments. At this point I even started to look at apartments, went on the DC website to check how much I would be paying in child support and what not and how much would be left over.
-----

In other news she informed me that Carlie has another half sister.

She did not tell me but she had signed up to be kept informed when siblings were reported and what not and the other parents did the same.

She had a older half brother born in December before her, she was born in January and 3 other half sisters born after. So 5 from the same donor...

They were emailing each other and thinking about creating a private Facebook group to exchange pictures and she wanted to know how I felt about it.

So it is 2 couples (Us and another couple) and 3 single moms by choice.

I am not sure... yes we are both ok with telling Carlie as she gets older how she was conceived and yes I am ok with giving her the information about her biological father or whatever little information we have (pictures and bio); and she can request more when she is 18.

But I never really considered nor thought about sharing pictures with other families... private Facebook group... what next? Family reunions?

I need sometime to process it!

Have you told your wife that you need time to process this?  That this situation is very different for the both of you and the reactions you both have will and should be different.   Because I have several friends who are single mother's by choice and a couple of gay couples, and they do have meet ups with their kid's donor siblings family's.  So I would really encourage you to talk to you wife about stopping the contact for the moment until you have time to process the situation and the two of you can sit down and decide together how much sharing and contact that you both feel is appropriate.

I'm assuming that the first part of your post is your wife lashing out because she's scared of the new job, and she's missing Carlie.  So hopefully, it's just a bad reaction, and that in the next week or two that she will get into a routine and things will be better. And more importantly, hopefully she'll be too busy to shop, because I'll echo what everyone else has says, 2k on clothes in 8 months for a kid who can't wear an outfit for more than a month or two is completely insane.

[Blonde Granny]

Carl, this is a shame it's come to this.....but I can't help think that you in particular have been going down this road for quite some time. From the beginning of your marriage you two have been on different paths. You have shouldered the financial burden since the beginning, and it's coming home to roost. And the more times you mention the divorce word the easier it becomes to follow through and end it.

I agree with No More Drama....you both need some intensive marriage counseling if you are going to attempt to stay together.

[andi9899]

Your wife is some piece of work, Carl. That would drive me nuts. No wonder you're always stressed.

[stina72]

Carl-I'm going to try really hard to be neutral in what I say because I feel like you and Mrs. C both get a lot of sh*t here, and it's not really productive. I agree with Drama that you need marriage counseling. You've been sleeping in the basement for a month because you don't want to deal with everything, and that's not going to magically change now. It's not like it was one night and you slept on the couch after an argument, this is real life now, you and your wife do not sleep together. Not like you guys don't sleep together because you snore, you don't sleep together because you legitimately do not want to sleep near her because you don't like what is happening between you two when you are together.

I'm going to ask you flat out, do you like your wife? Do you think your wife likes you? I ask "like" because I think you can have love for someone and not necessarily like them. Like, you can always love her because she gave you Carlie and she's a great mother and she loves Carlie, etc., but that doesn't necessarily mean you like her.

My H and I drive each other nuts pretty often, but the way you talk about your wife (and I am assuming it's mutual because I think you are pretty open about how much you ride her about things like her spending and other things you don't like that she does), you just seem exhausted by your life with her. Like it's become incredibly tedious. Again, this is why you should seek marriage counseling. Marriage is hard, sometimes it takes an outside perspective to figure out how to make it work again.

[WholeLottaNothin]

Her job was grant funded, if I remember correctly, so the end may have been coming whether or not she liked it.

I second (or third) the suggestion of counseling. There is a lack of communication that is damaging to you both. A month is a long time to sleep in the basement.

On a separate note, I would love to have $1000 worth of clothes bought for me. Anyone? Anyone?

[quince]

Nthing marriage counseling (again!)

Also, marriage counseling doesn't have to have the goal of everything ending up roses. Maybe it helps you separate with less drama and gives you tools to navigate that separation. 

It's easy to blame the easy target that isn't yourself when your life isn't going the way you want, and I think one thing that marriage and individual counseling can help people with is to take responsibility (not necessarily blame, but responsibility.)

Please take care of yourself (and yourselves!).

[Blonde Granny]

Sept 11, 2017 14:17:08 GMT -5 WholeLottaNothin said:

Her job was grant funded, if I remember correctly, so the end may have been coming whether or not she liked it.

I second (or third) the suggestion of counseling. There is a lack of communication that is damaging to you both. A month is a long time to sleep in the basement.

On a separate note, I would love to have $1000 worth of clothes bought for me. Anyone? Anyone?

You and me both.....nothing is my closet in "on trend" for this fall....once again I'm a failure at helping the economy.  The only economy I'm helping is my bank balance.

[quince]

Honestly I was feeling bad because we spent ~ 2k on clothes last year for all 4 of us, but I should feel bad, because we don't prioritize clothing that highly. At least Mrs. C enjoys that kind of thing.

Maybe Carlie will be more rough and tumble and get annoyed at all the cute clothes her mom buys her and tells her not to mess up. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I like clothes but I've never spent $1k in one shot before.  The most was $500 and that was because my dimensions changed after I had Gwen.  Stuff I had been wearing since college no longer fit.  Plus it was time to upgrade to a more "adult" wardrobe anyhow.

The clothes may be for up to 18 months but those are famous last words.  I tried that with Gwen thinking I was being so money savvy.  She didn't cooperate and grow on cue.  Either it'd be out of season by the time it fit or she would by pass that size all together.   I stopped buying ahead.

If I find they've outgrown everything they own there is always Grananimals for $3 at Walmart to keep them from running around naked.

I just took advantage of the $5 leggings sale at Children's place because we're having cool enough days that they need something other than shorts but it's not cool enough to be wearing them 24/7. I am not buying a ton of pants knowing they will out grow them before they really need them.

[zibazinski]

Carl, I think even more importantly is that there is no way your wife and her mother are going to enjoy the lifestyle you afford for them so those two have a vested interest in keeping you happy, not the other way around. Somehow you've ended up thinking you're the lucky one as opposed to the other way around.
Nevertheless, I also encourage counseling and a get tough stance. Including no more spending on anything unless it's run by you.

[TheHaitian]

Sept 11, 2017 14:09:46 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

Sept 11, 2017 13:07:13 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Today was my wife first day of work outside the home, I dropped her off!

Again we got into an argument because she is making it sound like I am forcing her to take a job outside the home and she would be home with Carlie right now if it wasn't for me.

That argument is getting old from the lady that spent $1,700 on outdoor patio furniture she had to have, $700 on new clothes to go back to work, over 2k so far on clothes for Carlie.

When I tell her that she said it is a husband job to support his wife, that I asked her to marry me and not the other way around. So I told her in that case I will ask her to divorce me to undo that problem because I refuse to work 70-80 hours a week just to die broke. Tired of being the one juggling the bills and figuring how everything fits together ...

I have been sleeping in the basement for the past month now or so because I am tired of the arguments and snarky comments. At this point I even started to look at apartments, went on the DC website to check how much I would be paying in child support and what not and how much would be left over.
-----

In other news she informed me that Carlie has another half sister.

She did not tell me but she had signed up to be kept informed when siblings were reported and what not and the other parents did the same.

She had a older half brother born in December before her, she was born in January and 3 other half sisters born after. So 5 from the same donor...

They were emailing each other and thinking about creating a private Facebook group to exchange pictures and she wanted to know how I felt about it.

So it is 2 couples (Us and another couple) and 3 single moms by choice.

I am not sure... yes we are both ok with telling Carlie as she gets older how she was conceived and yes I am ok with giving her the information about her biological father or whatever little information we have (pictures and bio); and she can request more when she is 18.

But I never really considered nor thought about sharing pictures with other families... private Facebook group... what next? Family reunions?

I need sometime to process it!

Have you told your wife that you need time to process this?  That this situation is very different for the both of you and the reactions you both have will and should be different.   Because I have several friends who are single mother's by choice and a couple of gay couples, and they do have meet ups with their kid's donor siblings family's.  So I would really encourage you to talk to you wife about stopping the contact for the moment until you have time to process the situation and the two of you can sit down and decide together how much sharing and contact that you both feel is appropriate.

I did tell her I needed to think about it this morning, like I said I am not sure I am comfortable with that idea.

The most I agreed to was reporting her birth to the Fertility clinic and the Sperm bank because:

A) they need to know for their records and to know after how many life births to pull it. Ex: Carlie donor is now pulled and the only way to get it is for siblings. So the 5 of us (set of parents) can request it, a new couple trying to get pregnant cannot. I believe they limit it at 6 life births per donor (not counting siblings).

B) she needs to be registered for her to get the information she might want at 18. I guess we get one set of information about the donor and when she turns 18 and older, she brings her birth certificate and ID and get maybe more details about the donor - i don't know for sure.

I precisely picked or agreed to a donor that did not want to be kept informed about the kid or be in the kid life... never thought about potential siblings.

And their families...

It seems it makes the whole situation messier. Do you send them birthday cards and gifts? Christmas cards and gifts? What is an appropriate amount of a communication or not appropriate one? What if you truly dislike the other parents yet now your kid is aware of the sibling? What if they are assholes?

aaarrrgghh bleh!

[Deleted]

Sept 11, 2017 13:51:21 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Correction it is about ~1k for the clothes for Carlie so far and her argument is she has purchased clothes for up to 18 months so Carlie is good for awhile.

Sept 11, 2017 13:27:17 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Carl what is it with your wife not telling you this stuff?   She should have talked to you about it BEFORE she started keeping track.  What if they had decided to contact you?  I would imagine it'd never occur to these other parents that you were not in the loop.

That was my thing too but she said it works this way: the sperm bank set up a group for the parents and in that group she is the only one that did not give her email info while the others did.

And they also came up with the idea of the private Facebook group. She reason she was asking me is she would like to give her email so she can exchange pictures with the other parents because she is curious.

But she is not for the Facebook group because she does not want to give them that much information about us (our names, location etc). Because it was easy for her to track down one of the single moms already on Facebook because her email account is her name.

For now since the donor was name Apppollo , they go by Appollo1, Appollo2, Appollo3, Appollo4 and Appollo5.

Again I told her I needed time to think about it because that is one thing I did not consider or really thought off. I feel once you open that door, there is no turning back and then you keep moving further down and you need to be ready for that.

So like I said I feel once you start on the exchanging pictures trail you are basically looking at family reunion/get together down the road, kids getting together and I am ready for that? Are we ready for that?

Yes we are not a normal nuclear family but are we comfortable with her knowing she has 4 siblings out there born within the same year, with 5 different parenting style/approach, kids comparing notes, etc etc.

It is a lot to process...

FWIW, I'm not sure how I'd deal with the sibling thing in your situation either.  I think I would rather go on with the "I'm the Mom", "You're the Dad" and that be the end without having reminders that it was anything different than that.  At least at first...maybe later.  I do get the needing to process though. 

[zibazinski]

I dated a guy who'd been a sperm donor. He never realized the consequences of what he'd done-did it for the money-until he had kids of his own. He regrets it big time now because he worries about his own kids marrying close relations. He's never told his kids that he donated. I'd want more info about the donor and I would totally nix any further pursuing of half siblings until you decide what you're going to do with your marriage.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sibling information would be nice to have if Carlie asks for it later, but I wouldn't want my spouse taking steps to establish personal relationships with these people without having talked to me first.

I would not agree to sending any pictures until a discussion has been had concerning how far do you want to go in pursuing a relationship with these people both as a couple and in relation to Carlie. Not everyone understands that just because you shared a few photos doesn't mean you're best buddies/family.

[Sam_2.0]

Hugs, Carl. From someone else deep in marriage counseling hell, I commiserate. No good advice here for sure.

[TheHaitian]

To address the first part of the post it is more frustration than anything...

Her job was never guaranteed for the next year, even the HR lady told her that when it was time for her exit interview. She told my wife, word for word, that yes her job was extended for another year but with the lack of funding there was no guarantee they would have kept her the whole year so it is a good thing she find another job on her own (after my wife mentioned she started looking after they announced the funding drying up).

So yes I pushed her because you know when it is the best time to find another job: when you have one. And being in DC she is in the perfect location to not only get a step up as for as title/promotion and salary: both she got with this job.

My frustration is don't complain about me asking you to contribute more when you are not willing to cut back on your spending. That $1,700 patio set could have paid for 1 ticket for the trip to Africa she wants to take... so don't complain when I say there is no room in the budget for international flights next year except the one we planned for Haiti.

As I always tell my wife : my issue is not her income; it is her spending compared to her income. I am looking at transitioning in the next 3-4 years and as I told her it may come with a 20-30k/year paycut so we need to start living without that now and adjust.

I am willing to cut back because I don't want my job forever and ok with cutting back financially for a less stressful more 9-5 job. But if she wants to spend more it is up to her now to make more because I made it clear when we moved: I am in getting out of retail and it will come with a paycut. My timeline is 3-4 years so she cannot say she was taken by surprise when it happens.

I am not going to die of a heart attack at 48 working insane hours so my wife can continue spending at Crate & Barrel. And I don't fight about money anymore, I just state the facts and let it be...

She overspent this weekend I just send her a short text that her student loans have yet to come out, keep that in mind. She wants it to bounce let it bounce, her issue to worry about, I won't. She texted back she was done spending for now all she needed was to withdraw $20.

Cool

-------/-

As for sleeping downstairs it is just damn convenient. I work mostly evening shifts and when I get home I have to worry about not making noises and waking up the baby or my wife or my MIL. Think 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom crammed into 560 sqft. So the "shhh" "baby is sleeping" "shh"... and the dog barking.

Yep basement is way more convenient. I can take a shower / use the bathroom after work without worrying about my MIL room next to it , walk without worrying about waking up the baby, watch TV for an hour or so without worrying about the volume and even go to the kitchen without worrying about the stairs making noises.

So yes it started over a stupid argument one night and I realized : damn I like this... and I never went back upstairs. I even moved my sleep apnea machine downstairs.

Yes we still have sex, I just go back downstairs after cuddling is done or when my daughter wakes up at 2-3 am.

------------/--

And I think a lot of our frustration has to do with we are both freaking tired, so freaking tired. She states how she has not slept a full night since she was about 7 months pregnant ... so 1 year now.

Between my sleep apnea and working 70/80 hours a week, I am right there with her. Add a baby to the mix and it just BOOM!!!

I told her I was off tomorrow and Wednesday so I can take over night feeding but then she wakes up anyway so defeats the purpose because she is mama bear and have to make sure everything is ok. I was thinking about just booking a hotel room for her and her mom the next 2 nights so they can get some rest while I am home the next 2 days.

[chen35]

Insurance will not cover the helmet. Frustrating because the whole reason we waited until he was 6 months old was because no insurance will cover it until then. We could have been halfway done with it by now.

Oh well, at least now we know how to move forward.

[emma1420]

Sept 11, 2017 14:33:31 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Sept 11, 2017 14:09:46 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

Have you told your wife that you need time to process this?  That this situation is very different for the both of you and the reactions you both have will and should be different.   Because I have several friends who are single mother's by choice and a couple of gay couples, and they do have meet ups with their kid's donor siblings family's.  So I would really encourage you to talk to you wife about stopping the contact for the moment until you have time to process the situation and the two of you can sit down and decide together how much sharing and contact that you both feel is appropriate.

I did tell her I needed to think about it this morning, like I said I am not sure I am comfortable with that idea.

The most I agreed to was reporting her birth to the Fertility clinic and the Sperm bank because:

A) they need to know for their records and to know after how many life births to pull it. Ex: Carlie donor is now pulled and the only way to get it is for siblings. So the 5 of us (set of parents) can request it, a new couple trying to get pregnant cannot. I believe they limit it at 6 life births per donor (not counting siblings).

B) she needs to be registered for her to get the information she might want at 18. I guess we get one set of information about the donor and when she turns 18 and older, she brings her birth certificate and ID and get maybe more details about the donor - i don't know for sure.

I precisely picked or agreed to a donor that did not want to be kept informed about the kid or be in the kid life... never thought about potential siblings.

And their families...

It seems it makes the whole situation messier. Do you send them birthday cards and gifts? Christmas cards and gifts? What is an appropriate amount of a communication or not appropriate one? What if you truly dislike the other parents yet now your kid is aware of the sibling? What if they are assholes?

aaarrrgghh bleh!

I don't think it needs to be complicated.  It will be complicated if you make it that way, but it doesn't need to be.  If you both set some ground rules about what you feel is an appropriate amount of contact and you stick to them.

I'm sure there are many people who really only want to keep in contact because they want to know if their kid develops an allergy if that is something that their donor siblings also developed (if that is something genetic), or they want to keep in basic contact so that their kid has the option to meet these other people who are genetically related to them.  But, I do think it's important that you both agree on how much contact you think is appropriate and you do not violate that unless you both agree to modify what you think is appropriate.   Did you have to talk to a counselor before your IVF?  I know most RE's require people using donor gamates to meet with a counselor/therapist before they will treat them.

Perhaps it might be worthwhile making a second appointment with the same counselor to specifically discuss this kind of issue.  I'm sure they would have lots of suggestions for the various ways you could handle this based on their expertise and experience.

[Lizard Queen]

Personally, I would opt for very little contact. That's just my own opinion. The whole FB group thing just seems super weird to me.

[emma1420]

Sept 11, 2017 15:18:04 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Personally, I would opt for very little contact. That's just my own opinion. The whole FB group thing just seems super weird to me.

If it were me I would want more contact.  But, I suspect that is because my dad never knew who his biological father was, and it has always bothered him to some degree.  He loved his adopted dad, and he wouldn't have changed who his father was for anything.  But, he's always wondered if there were other people out there that looked like him, that shared personality quirks, etc.   After seeing how heavily that situation has weighed on him, and how to some degree even at 70 it still does, I would do everything in my power to give a child as much opportunity to see, hear, and meet people that they are genetically related to, even if they didn't have that choice until they were old enough to make the choice.

But, everyone is different, and everyone's choices are influenced by different things.  As long as a kid doesn't get lied to about their origins, then I don't think there is necessarily a right or wrong answer.

[swasat]

I don't think the root cause of the problem is $1000 on clothes or $1700 patio set or $600 coffee table or $800 Pottery Barn crib.....

The problem is disproportionate spending to income ratio. She wants the best of stuff but doesn't want to work for it.   So champagne tastes on wine budget. 

Either you earn less, AND accept to spend less. Or you earn more and then you get to buy whatever the heck you want. The burden of satisfying all wants should not be on Carl. Its not fair to him. Its not fair to any spouse, specially if they are not on board with it.

I love clothes and shoes and purses and fancy stuff....the list goes on. Yes, I have spent $1000 on clothes for myself in one shopping spree. But I am not depending on my husband to provide it FOR me, neither am I cribbing about working to pay for all of it.

Its all in acceptance. By both parties. Lack of acceptance either side and you have a classic recipe for discord.

[raeoflyte]

Sept 11, 2017 15:14:17 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

Sept 11, 2017 14:33:31 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

I did tell her I needed to think about it this morning, like I said I am not sure I am comfortable with that idea.

The most I agreed to was reporting her birth to the Fertility clinic and the Sperm bank because:

A) they need to know for their records and to know after how many life births to pull it. Ex: Carlie donor is now pulled and the only way to get it is for siblings. So the 5 of us (set of parents) can request it, a new couple trying to get pregnant cannot. I believe they limit it at 6 life births per donor (not counting siblings).

B) she needs to be registered for her to get the information she might want at 18. I guess we get one set of information about the donor and when she turns 18 and older, she brings her birth certificate and ID and get maybe more details about the donor - i don't know for sure.

I precisely picked or agreed to a donor that did not want to be kept informed about the kid or be in the kid life... never thought about potential siblings.

And their families...

It seems it makes the whole situation messier. Do you send them birthday cards and gifts? Christmas cards and gifts? What is an appropriate amount of a communication or not appropriate one? What if you truly dislike the other parents yet now your kid is aware of the sibling? What if they are assholes?

aaarrrgghh bleh!

I don't think it needs to be complicated.  It will be complicated if you make it that way, but it doesn't need to be.  If you both set some ground rules about what you feel is an appropriate amount of contact and you stick to them.

I'm sure there are many people who really only want to keep in contact because they want to know if their kid develops an allergy if that is something that their donor siblings also developed (if that is something genetic), or they want to keep in basic contact so that their kid has the option to meet these other people who are genetically related to them.  But, I do think it's important that you both agree on how much contact you think is appropriate and you do not violate that unless you both agree to modify what you think is appropriate.   Did you have to talk to a counselor before your IVF?  I know most RE's require people using donor gamates to meet with a counselor/therapist before theyw ill treat them.

Perhaps it might be worthwhile making a second appointment with the same counselor to specifically discuss this kind of issue.  I'm sure they would have lots of suggestions for the various ways you could handle this based on their expertise and experience.

We haven't looked for any of the donor groups.  Only contact was with the couple we bought additional sperm from.  We notified the bank about C's T1d and gave them all the info so that half siblings could get on the trial net studies if they wanted to.  

I recently told the kids that they have half siblings from the same donor we used and they showed an interest for about 12 seconds, but it's obviously a topic that has to be revisited from time to time.  
Good luck Carl.  With everything.  

[zibazinski]

I can tell you lying about origins is horrible for the one being lied to. Especially if others aren't in on the lie.

[andi9899]

Sept 11, 2017 13:59:05 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

Sept 11, 2017 13:07:13 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

Today was my wife first day of work outside the home, I dropped her off!

Again we got into an argument because she is making it sound like I am forcing her to take a job outside the home and she would be home with Carlie right now if it wasn't for me.

That argument is getting old from the lady that spent $1,700 on outdoor patio furniture she had to have, $700 on new clothes to go back to work, over 2k so far on clothes for Carlie.

When I tell her that she said it is a husband job to support his wife, that I asked her to marry me and not the other way around. So I told her in that case I will ask her to divorce me to undo that problem because I refuse to work 70-80 hours a week just to die broke. Tired of being the one juggling the bills and figuring how everything fits together ...

I have been sleeping in the basement for the past month now or so because I am tired of the arguments and snarky comments. At this point I even started to look at apartments, went on the DC website to check how much I would be paying in child support and what not and how much would be left over.

You sort of did.  She had the job that most moms dream about . . . one where she could work from home with her mother caring for Carlie.  She has never sounded very ambitious whereas you are.  She "worked," but it was a job that worked for her.  She didn't have to do all the juggling that working parents do.  I'm not saying your position is right or wrong.  That's not for me or anyone else to judge.  The marriage belongs exclusively to you and her.  But you did sound very determined that she find a better-paying job even though it meant working outside the home.

You think it was bad today?   Wait until the impact of only having one car really hits as two people with varying schedules try to share a car.

Fun times ahead.  

One can't force another adult to really do anything. And do you really expect him to kill himself working all those hours and her do whatever she wants with no regard for finances. If she wants all her pretty shiny little things, she's going to need to work for it.

[Deleted]

I think I'd find out their info so my child could establish a relationship later...like 18 years old later.  There's just so much potential for weird to come into play here.  I mean is this now "family"?  Do you feel obligated to help them out financially if they fall on hard times?  Arrange play dates?  I do have a lot of adoption in my family and most are closed so I'm kind of coming from that place.  My Mom put my brother up for adoption before I was born and he found us again when I was 34.  He still comes to our family things, but I don't know that we've ever had any sibling bond.  I feel closer to my stepbrothers that I grew up with. 

[TheHaitian]

Sept 11, 2017 15:35:07 GMT -5 swasat said:

I don't think the root cause of the problem is $1000 on clothes or $1700 patio set or $600 coffee table or $800 Pottery Barn crib.....

The problem is disproportionate spending to income ratio. She wants the best of stuff but doesn't want to work for it.   So champagne tastes on wine budget. 

Either you earn less, AND accept to spend less. Or you earn more and then you get to buy whatever the heck you want. The burden of satisfying all wants should not be on Carl. Its not fair to him. Its not fair to any spouse, specially if they are not on board with it.

I love clothes and shoes and purses and fancy stuff....the list goes on. Yes, I have spent $1000 on clothes for myself in one shopping spree. But I am not depending on my husband to provide it FOR me, neither am I cribbing about working to pay for all of it.

Its all in acceptance. By both parties. Lack of acceptance either side and you have a classic recipe for discord.

100% this, you put it an a more eloquent way than I could have.

I just reach a point where I refused to substitute her spending and my attitude is: you want to spend more, you need to make more.

[Sam_2.0]

Sept 11, 2017 15:12:53 GMT -5 chen35 said:

Insurance will not cover the helmet. Frustrating because the whole reason we waited until he was 6 months old was because no insurance will cover it until then. We could have been halfway done with it by now.

Oh well, at least now we know how to move forward.

that really sucks. Why won't they cover it if he needs it?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sept 11, 2017 15:43:24 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I think I'd find out their info so my child could establish a relationship later...like 18 years old later.  There's just so much potential for weird to come into play here.  I mean is this now "family"?  Do you feel obligated to help them out financially if they fall on hard times?  Arrange play dates?  I do have a lot of adoption in my family and most are closed so I'm kind of coming from that place.  My Mom put my brother up for adoption before I was born and he found us again when I was 34.  He still comes to our family things, but I don't know that we've ever had any sibling bond.  I feel closer to my stepbrothers that I grew up with. 

My thought on it is that even though the kids may have come from the same donor these people are strangers with all the issues that can come with inviting them into your lives.  It seems like it would be easy to fall into a scam/co-dependent relationship because these people are "family" to your kid.   Boundaries that both parties agree to and 100% stick to are really really important here.

I would caution Mrs C to be very careful about romantisizing the idea of Carlie's siblings.  I agree to you should contact the IVF counselor to discuss the issue before she starts handing out photos.

[chen35]

Sept 11, 2017 15:48:17 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Sept 11, 2017 15:12:53 GMT -5 chen35 said:

Insurance will not cover the helmet. Frustrating because the whole reason we waited until he was 6 months old was because no insurance will cover it until then. We could have been halfway done with it by now.

Oh well, at least now we know how to move forward.

that really sucks. Why won't they cover it if he needs it?

The office that actually fits the helmets says that Highmark blue cross never covers them. So who knows. I guess it's not medically necessary and could be considered cosmetic?