AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP
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Post by AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP on May 16, 2011 12:54:41 GMT -5
to support it? My one friend just recently went back to work part time. She wasn't happy about it, as they have 3 kids, a small side business she runs, plus they have rental properties and she does all the bills for everything. Her DH is one of those who would spend every single penny they had if he could, so he has always been on an allowance, and she handles all the finances. He hates it, but they would be in trouble if she didn't. She was recently offered full time and decided she didn't want to do it, but he pushed and pushed and now she feels guilty not taking it. She knows their expenses will only rise to meet their income, because of DH. But he will resent it if she doesn't. I think that's something they have to work out. He has made it clear what he wants HER to do, did she try saying, "OK, but here's what I need from you"? You can't work on something if you don't know it's an issue. Did she make his spending an issue?
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on May 16, 2011 12:58:16 GMT -5
"I know people that consider "Pampered Chef" and "Creative memories" running small businesses, so it would be interesting to hear what her real load is and the age of the children."
Yeah, for all we know, her "bussiness" could be taking up a chunk of the family's income because it's operating at a loss and it's just a way for her to key busy.
Basically we just don't have enough details to decide who's at fault. All I can say is I wouldn't take a second job just to give my spouse more spending money. Especially since I make enough to cover some reasonable wants.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on May 16, 2011 13:00:28 GMT -5
"2. For the rental property all the OP says is that she pays the bills for it all. Paying bills isn't a job. It matters very much what either of them does in other aspects of that. Are they doing repairs, etc?"
Paying bills is easy and takes virtually no time. Especially if you set up automatic bill pay. Paying bills doesn't excuse you from working.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 16, 2011 13:09:54 GMT -5
If the title was "get a job to support DW's spending" here is what would happen.
- The jaded men would play the angle that this is how all women behave and he should her ASAP. - The jaded women would play the angle that she probably does all the chores and takes care of the kids and gets no thanks whatsoever and buying a few nice things here and there is more than fair. - Those who had actually played one of these parts in a former relationship will talk about how they wished they saw the signs sooner. - Someone who needs an ego boost will talk about how this would never ever happen in their perfect relationship. - Someone will call "troll".
Mondays...
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 16, 2011 13:11:22 GMT -5
If the title was "get a job to support DW's spending" here is what would happen. - The jaded men would play the angle that this is how all women behave and he should her ASAP. - The jaded women would play the angle that she probably does all the chores and takes care of the kids and gets no thanks whatsoever and buying a few nice things here and there is more than fair. - Those who had actually played one of these parts in a former relationship will talk about how they wished they saw the signs sooner. - Someone who needs an ego boost will talk about how this would never ever happen in their perfect relationship. - Someone will call "troll". Mondays... Does it mean that I'm not jaded since I think all capable adults should be working if the other spouse doesn't want to support them? ? ;D
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2011 13:12:25 GMT -5
If the title was "get a job to support DW's spending" here is what would happen. - The jaded men would play the angle that this is how all women behave and he should her ASAP. Until someone calculates the child support payments and the cost of having two households where there was previously one.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 16, 2011 13:12:35 GMT -5
Someone will call "troll".
Troll!
;D
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on May 16, 2011 13:14:13 GMT -5
If the title was "get a job to support DW's spending" here is what would happen. - The jaded men would play the angle that this is how all women behave and he should her ASAP. - The jaded women would play the angle that she probably does all the chores and takes care of the kids and gets no thanks whatsoever and buying a few nice things here and there is more than fair. - Those who had actually played one of these parts in a former relationship will talk about how they wished they saw the signs sooner. - Someone who needs an ego boost will talk about how this would never ever happen in their perfect relationship. - Someone will call "troll". Mondays... Does it mean that I'm not jaded since I think all capable adults should be working if the other spouse doesn't want to support them? ? ;D Tina it would be nice if you would stop being so shy and soft spoken and just come out of your shell.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 16, 2011 13:15:23 GMT -5
If the title was "get a job to support DW's spending" here is what would happen. - The jaded men would play the angle that this is how all women behave and he should her ASAP. - The jaded women would play the angle that she probably does all the chores and takes care of the kids and gets no thanks whatsoever and buying a few nice things here and there is more than fair. - Those who had actually played one of these parts in a former relationship will talk about how they wished they saw the signs sooner. - Someone who needs an ego boost will talk about how this would never ever happen in their perfect relationship. - Someone will call "troll". Mondays... Does it mean that I'm not jaded since I think all capable adults should be working if the other spouse doesn't want to support them? ? ;D You didn't get the memo that us chicks should be sitting around eating bon bons while our husband go to work?
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 16, 2011 13:16:17 GMT -5
All I know is I'm glad that I, personally, am able to earn enough money to support myself, or my family, or tack on my income to another income and have a bunch of spending money. Life really is easier if your income adequately services your needs and wants.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2011 13:21:44 GMT -5
All I know is I'm glad that I, personally, am able to earn enough money to support myself, or my family, or tack on my income to another income and have a bunch of spending money. Life really is easier if your income adequately services your needs and wants. Will you marry me? You can keep your last name, or not. I'm cool with it.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on May 16, 2011 13:36:47 GMT -5
All I know is I'm glad that I, personally, am able to earn enough money to support myself, or my family, or tack on my income to another income and have a bunch of spending money. Life really is easier if your income adequately services your needs and wants. Will you marry me? You can keep your last name, or not. I'm cool with it.
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sil
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Post by sil on May 16, 2011 14:48:53 GMT -5
If your DH was a big spender, would you work to support it?
**************************************************** Odd question, frankly. DH spends a lot of money on crap, IMO. We both work and we both save money. What's left is enough to cover our bills and frivolous spending and is kept in a joint account, so yes, I work to support his spending and he works to support mine (and I'd bet he probably thinks much of the stuff I spend money on is "crap").
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 16, 2011 14:55:34 GMT -5
Does it mean that I'm not jaded since I think all capable adults should be working if the other spouse doesn't want to support them? ? ;D Tina it would be nice if you would stop being so shy and soft spoken and just come out of your shell. I know...I am so afraid to voice my opinion
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luckyme
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Post by luckyme on May 16, 2011 15:46:27 GMT -5
{ As written in the OP though it's clearly written so as to evoke specific reactions and purposely vague so as to avoid any real examination of the situation itself. }
Well, I had to leave after starting some threads this morning, so couldn't get back until now. Yes, it was written a specific way, because that is pretty much how I view it. I've known them both a long time, so I know how they both are.
As I stated, he is on an allowance because he spends until there is nothing left. He works about an hour out of town, so anything to do with the kids, she takes care of. She also deals with any of the issues surrounding the rentals, as well as tracking/paying the bills, and is the primary force behind the side business. Their kids are 14, 12, and 10. So, no, not babies who need daycare, but they do need to be driven to and from school. They have numerous activities that she drives them to after school. When they are sick, or school lets out early or starts late, she is the one who has to be there. Their side business is light catering for events. Brings in about $13K, but I know that goes up and down along with the economy. Her part time job is about $9K. I know she doesn't want to work full time, but her husband has been pushing for it. He is also the one that pushed for the rental properties, that they don't make $$ on, because the rents just cover the cost of the mortgages. She wanted to sell them, but then the market crashed.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on May 16, 2011 16:07:32 GMT -5
"Their side business is light catering for events. Brings in about $13K, but I know that goes up and down along with the economy. Her part time job is about $9K. "
So assuming he does absolutely no work at all for the side business...she's bringing in about $22K per year. How much does he bring home? (and sounds like he must do something with the side business also, since she's the "primary force" and not the sole person doing it all).
"She also deals with any of the issues surrounding the rentals"
Which unless she's doing major construction, is almost nothing in terms of time.
"I know she doesn't want to work full time, but her husband has been pushing for it."
A lot of people don't want to work full time. That doesn't mean their spouse is wrong for expecting them to in order to improve their lifestyle.
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sil
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Post by sil on May 16, 2011 16:08:53 GMT -5
I think the transition from having a SAHP to a household with 2 working parents is tough on both partners. So if I were your friend, I'd first sit down with my husband to make sure he understood exactly what would be expected of him, once I transitioned to a FT job.
First of all, she wont be able to leave work to pick up the kids from school, unless she takes a job with early hours, in which case her husband will have to be the one to make sure they get to school in the mornings. She also wont be the one who stays at home when one of the younger kids is sick (EDIT - At first. You cant start a brand new job and take a day off right away because Timmy has the flu). They will have to also decide if they trust the 14-yr old to watch the younger siblings on the dozens of workdays that school is not in session, or come up with alternative childcare arrangements.
Next, the part-time job and side business will have to go. The salary that she makes from her new job will have to exceed the $13k plus the $9k from these other ventures, plus cover additional childcare costs in order to even make sense.
Finally, if they are both working equal hours outside the home, they should expect to work equal hours inside the home.
If he's on board with all of these changes, then I think your friend should start looking for FT jobs that pay more than $25k.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on May 16, 2011 16:14:02 GMT -5
"Next, the part-time job and side business will have to go."
Why would the side business need to go? It's likely catering on the weekends (I assume). And apparently she's not the only one doing it, she's just "a driving force" now.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 16, 2011 18:55:38 GMT -5
I agree, staying at home while your spouse works is a luxury and not a right, a want and not a need. I guess I’m having a hard time sympathizing. For all we know the husbands spending needs are reasonable and he can’t have what he wants because his wife didn’t work.
That was my first thought too but honestly, this is a case where we really would need to hear both sides of the story to get a real picture.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 16, 2011 18:59:41 GMT -5
I agree, staying at home while your spouse works is a luxury and not a right, a want and not a need. I guess I’m having a hard time sympathizing. For all we know the husbands spending needs are reasonable and he can’t have what he wants because his wife didn’t work.That was my first thought too but honestly, this is a case where we really would need to hear both sides of the story to get a real picture. I don't want to work either....who does? I have rentals and two children, one of whom is special needs yet I still work because it provides us with a better life and a better future...I can't sympathize with anyone who refuses to work a full time job. If her husband blows through money, then she should set up her own finances and they can each pay half of the billls. My husband and I have completely separate finances and we each contribute 50% to the household expenses.
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luckyme
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Post by luckyme on May 16, 2011 19:01:28 GMT -5
I think the transition from having a SAHP to a household with 2 working parents is tough on both partners. So if I were your friend, I'd first sit down with my husband to make sure he understood exactly what would be expected of him, once I transitioned to a FT job. First of all, she wont be able to leave work to pick up the kids from school, unless she takes a job with early hours, in which case her husband will have to be the one to make sure they get to school in the mornings. She also wont be the one who stays at home when one of the younger kids is sick (EDIT - At first. You cant start a brand new job and take a day off right away because Timmy has the flu). They will have to also decide if they trust the 14-yr old to watch the younger siblings on the dozens of workdays that school is not in session, or come up with alternative childcare arrangements. Next, the part-time job and side business will have to go. The salary that she makes from her new job will have to exceed the $13k plus the $9k from these other ventures, plus cover additional childcare costs in order to even make sense. Finally, if they are both working equal hours outside the home, they should expect to work equal hours inside the home. If he's on board with all of these changes, then I think your friend should start looking for FT jobs that pay more than $25k. Well see that's the problem. He pressured her to take it, then told her it's her decision as her life is the one that is changing. He has agreed to start dinner, and deal with the kids activities after school, but when it's a daily thing, he's not going to like it; he has no patience for that stuff, and then he'll be a bear. The FT job is going to be around $22K, and they are not going to give up the side business. Their split on that is probably 98% to her 2% to him, and only because she can't. He makes around $60K in the accounting dept of his company. That is a good income in this area, even for a family. For those who make more, it's usually to fiance the toys. I think the thing that got him on a role was he couldn't get his brand new luxury sedan when he totaled his last car. She told him they couldn't afford a car payment for one and they picked up a used one for around $12K. Me, personally, I'd rather take the used car, and not deal with the stress of a FT job when I have 3 kids I have to worry about, which is exactly the situation we are in. However, DH and I are on the same page. Makes life hard when you're not.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 16, 2011 19:05:05 GMT -5
If your DH was a big spender, would you work to support it?
The short breezy answer is no. I'm not going to work to support ANYONE'S frivolous spending. However, I totally agree that staying home is a luxury that not every couple can realistically afford, and SAHP-wannabes ignore such realities at their own peril.
So it totally depends on the situation. Am I already working? Who's the higher earner? Who handles the money? How long have I been staying at home? What sort of frivolous spending are we talking about? Are we on track with our savings goals? Do we agree on some of the discretionary spending? How do I feel about my husband? Am I going to resent working to pay for these particular luxuries?
FWIW, I hope that it works out for us to have DF at home when we have kids. But these kinds of questions are never simple.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 16, 2011 19:17:11 GMT -5
I don't want to work either....who does? I have rentals and two children, one of whom is special needs yet I still work because it provides us with a better life and a better future...I can't sympathize with anyone who refuses to work a full time job.
Me either. I mean, "blowing through money" has a very different definition when you're the one making it. If my spouse refused to work, damn straight I would have an opinion about how some of the discretionary funds from my income should be spent. And *probably* I would feel like my wants came before his, because if he wanted to have certain luxuries he should be willing to work for them too.
But that kind of statement assumes so many things... mostly that he's not working a full-time job as a SAHP - which is in itself something I'd never agree to unless my income was sufficient not only for our basics but enough to save about half every month as well, so we'd have plenty of cash for extras, etc. etc...
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on May 16, 2011 19:22:45 GMT -5
What I'd reccomend is she evaluate which would pay more, a full time job or a part time job coupled with a side business. She should put on her big girl pants and do one or the other. Most people don't like getting up and going to work, but they do it because they or their family needs the money. That's what being an adult is all about. Many people (and many of this on this message board) do way more than work a part time job and a small business on the side.
There's no reason to have a SAHM for kids of those ages unless they're disabled. However, the husband should understand that since his wife works full time that he needs to step up and help out with some of the housework and kid stuff.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 16, 2011 19:28:49 GMT -5
What I'd reccomend is she evaluate which would pay more, a full time job or a part time job coupled with a side business. She should put on her big girl pants and do one or the other. Most people don't like getting up and going to work, but they do it because they or their family needs the money. There's no reason to have a SAHM for kids of those ages unless they're disabled. However, the husband should understand that since his wife works full time that he needs to step up and help out with some of the housework and kid stuff. Using a child with a disabilty for an excuse is just that....I have a special needs child and I work. It can be done.
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luckyme
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Post by luckyme on May 16, 2011 19:46:19 GMT -5
{ Most people don't like getting up and going to work, but they do it because they or their family needs the money } { I don't want to work either....who does? }
Amazing how often this comes up, yet when the topic is being a SAHP, so many, here, state they could never give up their careers to stay home, they would be too bored, they love to work, yada, yada.....
{ There's no reason to have a SAHM for kids of those ages unless they're disabled }
Every time this statement comes up about now that the kids are school age you can work FT, I always laugh. You must not have kids, or they're very young, or you have family helping out big time, because quite frankly, it is far easier to work FT when the kids are very young.
You drop them off at daycare on your way to work and pick them up on the way home. Once the kids hit school age, it's not so simple anymore. Early dismissals, late starts, snow days, sick days, summer vacation, spring break, Xmas break, etc. In our area, the busing is very limited, so you also have to deal with getting your kids to and from school. That doesn't even take into account any activities your kids get involved in, community or school, unless you have them sit home all the time, so you don't have to bother with it.
Not have kids in daycare may get cheaper, but it sure doesn't get easier.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 16, 2011 19:50:45 GMT -5
Every time this statement comes up about now the kids are school age you can work FT, I always laugh. You must not have kids, or their very young, or you have family helping out big time, because quite frankly, it is far easier to work FT when the kids are very young. You drop them off at daycare on your way to work and pick them up on the way home. Once the kids hit school age, it may get cheaper but it sure doesn't get easier. Early dismissals, late starts, snow days, sick days, summer vacation, spring break, Xmas break, etc. In our area, the busing is very limited, so you also have to deal with getting your kids to and from school. That doesn't even take into account any activities your kids get involved in, community or school, unless you have them sit home all the time, so you don't have to bother with it. Most of the parents I work with have older children in a lot of activities....if you want to, you can make it work.
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luckyme
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Post by luckyme on May 16, 2011 19:56:44 GMT -5
{ Most of the parents I work with have older children in a lot of activities....if you want to, you can make it work. }
And how, exactly do they do that? Do their jobs offer that much flexibility, or do they have family do it, or do they rely on other parents to pick up the slack?
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2011 21:35:35 GMT -5
Let me guess OP, you are also a stay at home mom because you are quick to dismiss everyone stating how maybe she should be heading back to work.
Parents just make it work, as simple as that. Cut corners, a few sacrifices and you make it work.
Sorry but I would react the same way too, he makes 60K and she bnrings home 22k yet dictates how he gets to enjoy it. Right!
Sorry my wife always wanted to be a stay at home mom but she is used to a certain lifestyle and likes nice things (her words). To maintain that lifestyle she needs to keep working and she knows it, so bye bye stay at home dreams.
Unless she wants her husband to start resenting her big time, she either: A) cut spending elsewhere, increase his allowance B) get a full time job that will increase their income.
You have to see it from his point of view: he wakes up everyday to get his ass to work which requires 2 hrs round trip drive to support his wife and 3 kids. Yet the one time he wanted something to please himself (the nice car) she shut him down. And she uses the line they cannot afford it? - my first reaction/answer to that would have been: if you get off your ass and get a full time job I am sure we would be able to afford it. I am willing to bet while he did not say it, he was thinking it which is why he is pushing for her to get a full time job.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2011 21:49:21 GMT -5
I think it is best when spouses make within 20% of each other.
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