|
Post by rick on Jan 2, 2011 10:30:17 GMT -5
I agree, Rick. The point I was trying to make, is the fact that I could talk to this male friend about things I couldn't with my partner, because I could get another perspective on certain things other than my husband's perspective. It actually helped me see things more clearly when I was dealing with certain issues at home to have a different viewpoint in order to see a problem more clearly. I'll also add that I grew to 'love' this person if that's the right word - in the sense that he was one of my dearest friends. Totally understood and agree, and your partner was a mutual friend. It helps to keep things on the up and up
|
|
|
Post by rick on Jan 2, 2011 10:31:01 GMT -5
Bingo, we have a winner Now if I could find a relationship that is like that, I would be all set. For someone with my track record, I have a lot of opinions. Oh you will, there are still good ones out there
|
|
|
Post by naggie72 on Jan 2, 2011 10:31:26 GMT -5
It does seem to be accepted but having family members who have been cheated on it is really a devasating emotional blow. It is nothing I would condone.
|
|
jan
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 9:37:02 GMT -5
Posts: 1,663
|
Post by jan on Jan 2, 2011 10:37:17 GMT -5
DH and I have friends of both genders, we know each other's friends. Somehow the thought of an afair just never occurred to me.
|
|
Malarky
Junior Associate
Truth and snark are equal opportunity here.
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 21:00:51 GMT -5
Posts: 5,313
|
Post by Malarky on Jan 2, 2011 10:41:14 GMT -5
I certainly wish that XH had enough decency to mention his intention to stray. The second I found out, it was over. DH and I talked about this before we got married. NO SHARING. It wasn't implied in the marriage vows, it was openly discussed with a clear plan of action. If one or the other needs to move on, be honest about it. Even if infidelity becomes completely acceptable in the world at large, it won't be in my world. And I would (and do) judge people negatively for it.
|
|
|
Post by rick on Jan 2, 2011 10:41:58 GMT -5
I'm sure being cheated on is emotionally devasting. There is no trust after that. Thats right, its not a simple as say hey Honey, I'm going out to get some Hard Salami, be back ofter dinner
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 29, 2024 2:41:10 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2011 11:19:55 GMT -5
Personally, I think that if some people want to engage in an open lifestyle, that is their choice. However, the rules should be laid out from the beginning in these cases or only with honest discussion between the parties and full disclosure. (I don't think I would ever feel comfortable in this type of relationship, but I wouldn't judge those who are - that is their decision and their life) Part of me feels that if there was that discussion and agreement between the parties then there wouldn't be a sense of rejection/devastation/betrayal (I can't come up with the right term) one would feel if they found out their SO had been/is involved with someone else - after the fact. However, I'm just a simple girl who was raised with the belief that a marriage is a sacred commitment between two people... even still, I try to see other points of view and expand my knowledge ! Thanks everyone for your posts here, and for not turning this into a slashing thread... my only intention was to start a mature, intelligent discussion.
|
|
quotequeen
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 15:51:15 GMT -5
Posts: 1,448
|
Post by quotequeen on Jan 2, 2011 11:30:35 GMT -5
Being the only single girl working around many married men, I could not believe how many were looking to have affairs. It makes you a little jaded thinking you'll ever find one that isn't going to cheat, which is kind of sad. But I guess I'm just naive enough to think I'll find one someday. Later's right that many aren't looking to end their marriage, and why would they--when so many women are willing to be the something "on-the-side." I haven't seen a single affair end well. There are some good ones out there. Guys or affairs?
|
|
|
Post by rick on Jan 2, 2011 11:31:45 GMT -5
Good point Rose, but my problem with the so called open relationship is, what if, one of the players decides to change the rules and doent want to play open anymore. Now the other person will get blamed for what happened in the past. I really think its a no win situation
|
|
The J
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 11:01:13 GMT -5
Posts: 4,821
|
Post by The J on Jan 2, 2011 11:31:47 GMT -5
There are some good ones out there. Guys or affairs? Yes.
|
|
dancinmama
Senior Associate
LIVIN' THE DREAM!!
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 20:49:45 GMT -5
Posts: 10,659
|
Post by dancinmama on Jan 2, 2011 12:12:42 GMT -5
I know I sure as he'll didn't care that Clinton made the White House into the Oral Office. I don't pay much attention to the social lives of our leaders unless it affects their ability to do their jobs. I have to disagree. What he did says something about his character and values. And how do we really know how it did or did not effect his ability to do his job? Do you think that immediately prior to and after the story broke, it did not have any effect on him? And how about the taxpayer money that was spent in association with the whole fiasco? The other thing that bothers me is that he looked into the cameras and said, "I did not have sex with that woman" which was a bold-faced lie. The message to young people is, 'When you screw up (okay, probably a bad choice of words) and get caught, never take responsibility for your actions until you are FORCED to.'
|
|
Apple
Junior Associate
Always travel with a sense of humor
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:51:04 GMT -5
Posts: 9,938
Mini-Profile Name Color: dc0e29
|
Post by Apple on Jan 2, 2011 12:23:34 GMT -5
I've been cheated on, it sucks, and if I were with a guy that cheated I'd be out the door. Emotional affairs are tough to draw a clear line with (unlike physical cheating where you can clearly say "this"--kissing, oral sex, sex, touching, whatever--is cheating). One thing with me, I'm friends with guys. Always have been, always will. I can't begin to count the number of guys I've considered friends over the years. I haven't had a "RL" female friend since high school. Any potential date knows this about me and has to be ok with it. I get close with some of these guys. They tell me about problems they're having in their marriages and I try to give them the "female perspective" (even if I don't understand it myself...) so they can try to see where the wife is coming from. I've had one guy tell me he'd have divorced if he didn't have me to talk to, I was the only one that could help him understand his wife. His wife is an extremely jealous (and racist) person, and they are a different race than me. She got mad just knowing I worked on the crew, she'd be even madder if she knew how close we are--as friends. So, she might consider it an emotional affair, but I don't. I consider it a friendship that has truly helped keep her marriage together, even though she doesn't realize it. I've talked him out of walking out on her a few times, not by saying "don't do it" but by asking "have you tried this?" or "well, this is probably what she's thinking and why." One thing for sure, if/when I do start dating, I won't hide my friendships from a guy. He needs to be okay with my friendships and if he's not, he can quit dating me. But I won't "hide" things from him, I feel it would be dishonest. I won't throw it in his face though either. Love me for who I am, or leave. Love someone else? Leave.
|
|
dancinmama
Senior Associate
LIVIN' THE DREAM!!
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 20:49:45 GMT -5
Posts: 10,659
|
Post by dancinmama on Jan 2, 2011 12:28:21 GMT -5
I agree 100%. If my DH cheated, I would not want to deal with the lack of trust issue. DH and I have been married for over 31 years and here's our rule: IF you ever decide to "step out" fine, but come home and pack your bags cuz it's over. IF you're the kind of person that can't be in a committed relationship, don't get married. Some people think that they can have it both ways. Some think that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. It's not greener; it's just a different shade of green. All relationships have their problems and all successful relationships take work and self sacrifice. And geez, even if it would "work out" with that person that you "strayed" with, how could you EVER trust them or they trust you?
|
|
deziloooooo
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:22:04 GMT -5
Posts: 10,723
|
Post by deziloooooo on Jan 2, 2011 12:28:56 GMT -5
Back in the day there was a book out that so many were reading ..and so many took to heart and went along with it's premise. It was called "Open Marriage "...some of the ideas espoused were good , but the acceptance of other relations...{Authors, there was a Husband/Wife as authors, divorced} Anyway , as so many here have said...No way on extramarital ...just does not work..not acceptable. IMHO For those interested...see below..over all the book dealt with some good ideas..it was the 20 pages on the idea of some form of other relationships that seemed to make it so populer...and I know those 20 pages contributed to a lot of unhappy occurrences with folks who subscribed to them..possible would have happened anyway but it seemed to give legitimacy to the happenings. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Open_Marriage_(book)
|
|
Apple
Junior Associate
Always travel with a sense of humor
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:51:04 GMT -5
Posts: 9,938
Mini-Profile Name Color: dc0e29
|
Post by Apple on Jan 2, 2011 12:49:05 GMT -5
I agree 100%. If my DH cheated, I would not want to deal with the lack of trust issue. DH and I have been married for over 31 years and here's our rule: IF you ever decide to "step out" fine, but come home and pack your bags cuz it's over. IF you're the kind of person that can't be in a committed relationship, don't get married. Some people think that they can have it both ways. Some think that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. It's not greener; it's just a different shade of green. All relationships have their problems and all successful relationships take work and self sacrifice. And geez, even if it would "work out" with that person that you "strayed" with, how could you EVER trust them or they trust you? Yes, I'm also in the group of "if you want someone else, there's the door". If I were to become physically unable to have sex, well, I might change my mind, but one can only truly know where they stand on an issue like that when they are there. But, in most cases, this isn't the issue.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,310
|
Post by swamp on Jan 2, 2011 13:13:50 GMT -5
There are some good ones out there. Guys or affairs? Guys to have affairs with. ;D
|
|
kent
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 16:13:46 GMT -5
Posts: 3,594
|
Post by kent on Jan 2, 2011 13:16:15 GMT -5
Like the old saying goes. The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but it's just as hard to mow.
|
|
ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
Posts: 43,130
Location: Inside POM's Head
Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
|
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jan 2, 2011 13:22:40 GMT -5
It also tends to have just as many weeds.
|
|
quotequeen
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 15:51:15 GMT -5
Posts: 1,448
|
Post by quotequeen on Jan 2, 2011 13:27:32 GMT -5
Some people believe that it's possible to love more than one person at the same time.
|
|
Apple
Junior Associate
Always travel with a sense of humor
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:51:04 GMT -5
Posts: 9,938
Mini-Profile Name Color: dc0e29
|
Post by Apple on Jan 2, 2011 13:33:24 GMT -5
Some people believe that it's possible to love more than one person at the same time. True, I've had friends like that. But, some people also think it's okay to be racist, or steal, or abuse people. I wouldn't marry any of them either.
|
|
Poppet
Established Member
Joined: Dec 28, 2010 15:45:12 GMT -5
Posts: 364
|
Post by Poppet on Jan 2, 2011 13:50:55 GMT -5
LOL, I am a control freak. I can't stomach the idea of my dh having a physical or emo affair.
|
|
ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
Posts: 43,130
Location: Inside POM's Head
Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
|
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jan 2, 2011 13:55:04 GMT -5
ROFL - when I read this, and then glanced at your avatar, it kind of makes sense......
|
|
Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
Posts: 39,704
Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
Mini-Profile Text Color: 990033
|
Post by Opti on Jan 2, 2011 14:50:13 GMT -5
I never really understood the emotional affair thing. Either you trust your SO or you don't. I'm not sure that infidelity is more accepted I think its just more out in the open than in the past.
|
|
The J
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 11:01:13 GMT -5
Posts: 4,821
|
Post by The J on Jan 2, 2011 14:53:34 GMT -5
I can understand the idea of an emotional affair if you're declaring your love for another person, and pretty much doing everything short a physical relationship. I don't think it's the same if it's a close friendship -- if you wouldn't have an issue with the relationship if your SO's friend was the same gender as your SO, then the fact that they're opposite sex shouldn't be an issue.
|
|
Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
Posts: 39,704
Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
Mini-Profile Text Color: 990033
|
Post by Opti on Jan 2, 2011 15:07:03 GMT -5
"I can understand the idea of an emotional affair if you're declaring your love for another person, and pretty much doing everything short a physical relationship."
My thought is people who choose to do this should just go all the way and get it over with. Let the person you are currently with go and be with the person you want to be with.
I'm probably weird. I think cheating is for those who don't have the guts to be with just one person and are always looking for fallback plans. MHO.
|
|
The J
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 11:01:13 GMT -5
Posts: 4,821
|
Post by The J on Jan 2, 2011 15:13:17 GMT -5
"I can understand the idea of an emotional affair if you're declaring your love for another person, and pretty much doing everything short a physical relationship." My thought is people who choose to do this should just go all the way and get it over with. Let the person you are currently with go and be with the person you want to be with. I'm probably weird. I think cheating is for those who don't have the guts to be with just one person and are always looking for fallback plans. MHO. All I'm trying to say is that some of the things people have equated to emotional affairs here are not things that I would consider to be an emotional affair.
|
|
|
Post by suzwantstobefree on Jan 2, 2011 15:16:42 GMT -5
That is another thing I don't quite understand - the back up plan. Twice I have been in a relationship with someone that when it ended said - its ok because I was (basically) stringing someone else a long. Whenever I decided a relationship wasn't working out, I just let it go with no one else waiting for me. I know it is difficult "out there" as a single person, but usually it is no more than 6 months before I start dating again (if it is my choice to do so). Has anyone else had experience with the "back up" plan? Apple, I love the way you have helped out the "men" in your life. It sounds like you have a really healthy understanding of yourself and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life.
|
|
|
Post by rick on Jan 2, 2011 15:19:15 GMT -5
That is another thing I don't quite understand - the back up plan. Twice I have been in a relationship with someone that when it ended said - its ok because I was (basically) stringing someone else a long. Whenever I decided a relationship wasn't working out, I just let it go with no one else waiting for me. I know it is difficult "out there" as a single person, but usually it is no more than 6 months before I start dating again (if it is my choice to do so). Has anyone else had experience with the "back up" plan? Pfft, no back up plan here, twice I have had to pack my stuff and move on lol. This l;ast time wasnt so bad. Some of my stuff was never unpacked because it wasnt needed so it was easy to load back up Apple, I love the way you have helped out the "men" in your life. It sounds like you have a really healthy understanding of yourself and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. What I thought I type out a whole response and its not here, well here we go again lol Pfft, no back up plan here, twice I have had to pack up and move on. The last ime wasnt to bad. I still had stuff stored that never got unpacked because it want needed so it was easy to grab and go
|
|
Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
Posts: 39,704
Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
Mini-Profile Text Color: 990033
|
Post by Opti on Jan 2, 2011 15:19:16 GMT -5
OK.
So you were just saying this was your definition of an emotional affair:
if you're declaring your love for another person, and pretty much doing everything short a physical relationship.
Correct?
|
|
|
Post by suzwantstobefree on Jan 2, 2011 15:19:37 GMT -5
Guys or affairs? Yes. hehe - I am single and I am hoping for the good guy that is single but wants to have an affair
|
|