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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2011 23:28:52 GMT -5
www.jucyafrica.com/?p=5785I stumbled upon this article earlier and was really stumped... have I been living too sheltered of a life or is infidelity actually socially accepted these days? I think an affair (either emotional or physical) is just wrong. If someone has another viewpoint, I'd love to hear it. Is it is ever OK to engage in an affair with someone who is married (with the exception of couples who have an open relationship)?
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❤ mollymouser ❤
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Post by ❤ mollymouser ❤ on Jan 1, 2011 23:45:23 GMT -5
I didn't read the article but I don't know anyone who considers marital infidelity socially acceptable.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2011 23:48:23 GMT -5
First of all I think that "emotional infidelity" is a crock made up by control freaks. It is like saying your SO is not allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. Honestly, just about everyone in my circle of friends would be considered "guilty" with both sexes. We just share on a deep and real level.
As for physical infidelity, I know a couple that has not had sex in a couple of years because the woman has lost interest. No fight or complaint, she just lost interest. Because of menopause she says. And she has done nothing to try to get it back. Is it fair that her relatively young husband is now destined to celibacy because of this. At what point does she pretty much think it is her own fault if he looks elsewhere?
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Post by NastyWoman on Jan 1, 2011 23:57:06 GMT -5
www.jucyafrica.com/?p=5785I stumbled upon this article earlier and was really stumped... have I been living too sheltered of a life or is infidelity actually socially accepted these days? I think an affair (either emotional or physical) is just wrong. If someone has another viewpoint, I'd love to hear it. Is it is ever OK to engage in an affair with someone who is married (with the exception of couples who have an open relationship)? [/quote It is interesting that you chose to phrase your question this way. I would think it should be: is it ever OK to engage in an affair if you are married because that is really the person "doing the cheating". My personal opinion -> no it's not. I also don't know anyone who does think it is OK. With the exception of the people I have known who needed to excuse their own behavior.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2011 0:01:28 GMT -5
"I also don't know anyone who does think it is OK. With the exception of the people I have known who needed to excuse their own behavior."
LOL You don't get to dismiss the fact that some people do find it socially acceptable by dissing what you think their reasons are. Obviously people that find it socially acceptable would do it.
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jan 2, 2011 0:03:45 GMT -5
I wouldn't go so far as to say it's being accepted as the norm by society, but as the article points out, times have changed and relationships aren't following such 'rigid' guidelines as previous generations lived by. The article also didn't condone affairs or cheating - it merely stated that today's society is more free-thinking and some couples have found ways to keep their relationships intact while living the lives they choose instead of what 'society' deems as proper. wI only copied a portion of the article, but this last paragraph pretty much sums it up:
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2011 0:09:44 GMT -5
Laterbloomer - I think there is a difference between having a close friend of the opposite sex and one in which you have a deep, emotional investment with.
Joss - You are correct, I did not phrase my question very well. I was thinking more along the lines of "is it ever OK to engage in an affair if either parties are married". I would not be able to justify it to even myself if I were unmarried having a relationship with someone who was married.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2011 0:26:22 GMT -5
"Laterbloomer - I think there is a difference between having a close friend of the opposite sex and one in which you have a deep, emotional investment with."
What?
Rose do you know someone doing this?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2011 0:39:25 GMT -5
"Laterbloomer - I think there is a difference between having a close friend of the opposite sex and one in which you have a deep, emotional investment with." What? Rose do you know someone doing this? Ha! Actually I was intrigued with your take on the term and wiki'ed "emotional affair" and it said something to that effect. I'll admit I didn't really know what an emotional affair was... en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2011 0:47:03 GMT -5
Accepting affairs is not a new idea. Many europeans have been doing it for centuries. Well for the men, not the women. The men were too paranoid about the paternity of any children the woman may have. DNA testing might have handled that little concern.
Being back on the dating scene I come across a lot of men looking to affairs. The are fanatical about the idea that they don't want to change what they have "just add to it". So far I can't see what's in it for me. But it is striking that they really do not seem to want to lose their marriages.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2011 0:49:22 GMT -5
I would like to make one tiny little statement in relation to this subject. There are as of right now 4 "accepted" types of relationship dynamics they are - Straight {Heterosexual} Bi-Sexual Gay {sorry don't know the "politically" correct term currently used} & Poly-Amory {Poly-Amory IS NOT Polygamy} In the First 3, Infidelity is defined as "engaging in intimate behavior with another whom is NOT your significant other" For Poly-Amorous Individuals - infidelity is a bit less rigid in definition, as the relationship dynamic in a Poly-Amorous relationship is Vastly Different than any other "traditional" relationship Dynamic. And the Poly-Amory relationship is part of the evolution of progressive thinking, I assume? Is that a committed relationship with more than 2 persons? Or just more of an "open" relationship?
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Post by Apple on Jan 2, 2011 1:17:45 GMT -5
Being back on the dating scene I come across a lot of men looking to affairs. The are fanatical about the idea that they don't want to change what they have "just add to it". So far I can't see what's in it for me. But it is striking that they really do not seem to want to lose their marriages. Being the only single girl working around many married men, I could not believe how many were looking to have affairs. It makes you a little jaded thinking you'll ever find one that isn't going to cheat, which is kind of sad. But I guess I'm just naive enough to think I'll find one someday. Later's right that many aren't looking to end their marriage, and why would they--when so many women are willing to be the something "on-the-side." I haven't seen a single affair end well.
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Post by The J on Jan 2, 2011 1:18:44 GMT -5
Being the only single girl working around many married men, I could not believe how many were looking to have affairs. It makes you a little jaded thinking you'll ever find one that isn't going to cheat, which is kind of sad. But I guess I'm just naive enough to think I'll find one someday. Later's right that many aren't looking to end their marriage, and why would they--when so many women are willing to be the something "on-the-side." I haven't seen a single affair end well. There are some good ones out there.
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Post by Apple on Jan 2, 2011 1:21:08 GMT -5
Being the only single girl working around many married men, I could not believe how many were looking to have affairs. It makes you a little jaded thinking you'll ever find one that isn't going to cheat, which is kind of sad. But I guess I'm just naive enough to think I'll find one someday. Later's right that many aren't looking to end their marriage, and why would they--when so many women are willing to be the something "on-the-side." I haven't seen a single affair end well. There are some good ones out there. Yes, there are, that's why I haven't completely given up hope... And there are some guys I work with that have incredible marriages
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Post by ummboutthat on Jan 2, 2011 1:26:15 GMT -5
Nooo it's not accepted. these famous people getting in trouble for having an affair, which has nothing to do with their job. Are loosing their jobs.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2011 3:37:14 GMT -5
but as the article points out, times have changed and relationships aren't following such 'rigid' guidelines as previous generations lived by.
First off I am one of those "previous generations" & maybe times have changed, but I haven't. Here's my VERY UNPOPULAR opinion: If a guy has sex with my wife I look at him in the same light as someone robbing my house (I believe that both my wife & I are "possessions" of each other) & he will be treated as such. My wife, I would divorce on the grounds that all marriage trust is gone. The guy would be dead.
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Post by suzwantstobefree on Jan 2, 2011 8:00:52 GMT -5
Two years ago I was engaged to a guy who I felt had an emotional affair and primarily because of that I called it off. Everytime he and would have a fight, he would call Marie. He said that he and Marie were not having sex, but if he and I had a bad fight, he would spend the night with her and her disabled husband. One time we were in the process of making up and she called his house to check on him. The part that bothered me the most was the fact that I asked to meet her and he never arranged it in all the time we were going out. I think it would have bothered me less if he had sex with someone and it ended then to have this ongoing third party (a woman no less) in our relationship. If it was a guy friend, I really don't think it would have bothered me. He was really upfront about his friendship with her, but still, he needed her for the emotional support that he should have been looking for from me.
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Post by suzwantstobefree on Jan 2, 2011 8:10:18 GMT -5
suz, then it doesn't work for you. That's all.Agreed, but I don't think many women would accept their man spending the night at another women's house if she had never met said woman. If the tables were turned, I think a man would feel the same way - just saying.... pssss - that is why he is an ex.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2011 8:55:21 GMT -5
I agree with Later.
My husband's best friend is a female. I joke around and call her his second wife. I also joke around and call her my wife. They have a lot in common. Actually, they have more in common than my husband and I have. She is a writer and so is he. She is writing a book and he edits for her. I have zero talent for writing. I guess IF you look at the definition of emotional affair then they had one. When I was suffering from depression and had totally shut myself off to him emotionally (not sexually) he talked to her about it. He was trying to get a woman's perspective and figure out how to reach me and help me pull out of the depression. He shared a lot of things with her that I do wish he didn't. Am I jealous and angry about it? No. I am not a jealous person. His talks with her did actually help save our marriage. Did they ever have a sexual affair? Nope. I know for a fact that they didn't.
Her and I are really good friends. I spent the weekend with her for Thanksgiving. I know that she knows that I have issues that I deal with still. Sometimes it does bother me that she knows so much about my past. Not that she actually knows it but that it wasn't my choice that she knows it. I don't get mad, but sometimes I get embarrassed about what she knows. She loves me just the way I am though and we have a great friendship. I am not sure if I am making sense. I just woke up and am on my first cup of coffee.
My point (in my head) is that I think that people can have others that they share on a deep level with and it doesn't always have to be the spouse. An emotional connection IMHO isn't always an affair.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2011 9:15:23 GMT -5
Angel I agree with your last statement 100%. Just because someone's friend isn't the same gender as them doesn't mean they're having an affair.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2011 9:17:13 GMT -5
Nooo it's not accepted. these famous people getting in trouble for having an affair, which has nothing to do with their job. Are loosing their jobs. The famous ones getting in trouble aren't just having one affair. They seem to have a ridiculous number of partners, are parenting children with them, and getting into some kinky stuff. Otherwise it is mainly political opponents making a fuss about things. The majority of people did not care that Clinton got a bj.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2011 9:22:33 GMT -5
I know I sure as he'll didn't care that Clinton made the White House into the Oral Office. I don't pay much attention to the social lives of our leaders unless it affects their ability to do their jobs.
But getting back to Later's point - what DOES one do when their spouse no longer has any interest in sex? That seems like the start of a marriage breakdown. Intimate relations not only work as physical release, it also strengthens the bond between spouses.
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Post by rick on Jan 2, 2011 9:52:06 GMT -5
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Post by rick on Jan 2, 2011 10:01:59 GMT -5
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jan 2, 2011 10:10:53 GMT -5
When I worked for an engineering company I was surrounded by mostly male co-workers. I developed very close friendships with 2 of them. One of them I could talk to about pretty much anything, and the same with him to me. We became very 'emotionally' close friends. There was no physical intimacy involved at any time. He knew my ex and I knew his wife (we socialized outside of work). But there were just some things that we could talk about that we couldn't with our spouses, and he and I also had some similar interests in certain things, that my ex and I didn't share. So there really is a fine line line between a very close 'emotional' relationship with someone other than your S/O, and taking it to the next step. Also, in some cases, (which nobody's mentioned here yet), people will seek intimacy outside the home because their partner has a physical (or even psychological) disability or illness which prevents them from engaging in physical closeness. Should the other person go through the rest of their life never being able to engage in 'the act' again or have a close 'emotional' relationship with someone else as long as he is with that partner - even though he/she still loves him/her?
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Post by rick on Jan 2, 2011 10:16:41 GMT -5
Lassie, in your statment you mentioned you socialized as a couple. I think that is the key. If you or your partner keeps everything open and honest it should not be a proble. I feel the proble is when the person will not include their patner. If it a mutual friendship then it shouldnt be a problem. But if I had a female type friend that I would not let my partner know or engage with then its wrong
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Post by suzwantstobefree on Jan 2, 2011 10:22:03 GMT -5
This is a very true statment. as stated you dont own a person. So with that being said. If my partner choose to be with someone else, then its a choice to not be with me. Say good night Irene, you are out of here Agreed I also think that if I am in a relationship with someone, they would know my friends and I would know their friends. It doesn't mean we cannot have a "boys night out" or a "girls night out" independently, but we shouldn't have friends that the other party doesn't know.
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Post by rick on Jan 2, 2011 10:23:45 GMT -5
This is a very true statment. as stated you dont own a person. So with that being said. If my partner choose to be with someone else, then its a choice to not be with me. Say good night Irene, you are out of here Agreed I also think that if I am in a relationship with someone, they would know my friends and I would know their friends. It doesn't mean we cannot have a "boys night out" or a "girls night out" independently, but we shouldn't have friends that the other party doesn't know. Bingo, we have a winner
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jan 2, 2011 10:27:43 GMT -5
I agree, Rick. The point I was trying to make, is the fact that I could talk to this male friend about things I couldn't with my partner, because I could get another perspective on certain things other than my husband's perspective. It actually helped me see things more clearly when I was dealing with certain issues at home to have a different viewpoint in order to see a problem more clearly. I'll also add that I grew to 'love' this person if that's the right word - in the sense that he was one of my dearest friends.
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Post by suzwantstobefree on Jan 2, 2011 10:28:11 GMT -5
Bingo, we have a winner Now if I could find a relationship that is like that, I would be all set. For someone with my track record, I have a lot of opinions.
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