Dying without stuff

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Oct 14, 2024 9:13:05 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Oct 14, 2024 9:02:55 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

So first come, first serve is old fashioned. Got it.

Well birth order isn't really something they can control.  It's not like the oldest was more on the ball at showing up earlier, so it does seem weird to me that the oldest should get their pick of everything first and what they don't want goes down the line until the youngest is getting the cracked china and the cordless drill with a missing battery.

Hmmm . . . a potential solution to getting rid of all of grandma's cut glass and a way to screw with my brother.   Win win. 

The only thing I really requested go by birth order/gender was my mom's wedding rings.  With the type of women Bob seems to go for hell freaking no should he be offered that ring.  We'd never get it back.

It belonged to my great grandmother and grandmother.  It makes sense to me that it continues to be passed to the women in the family.  If neither Gwen or Abby want it when the time comes I plan on having the diamond reset into my own ring.

I plan on putting aside my dad's wedding ring for Archie to have someday.  I would also be fine offering him my mom's wedding band. 

[minnesotapaintlady]

Oct 14, 2024 9:32:32 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Oct 14, 2024 9:28:07 GMT -5 seriousthistime said:

Go in birth order and when the youngest has made a choice, go in reverse order.  In the case of three kids, go 1, 2, 3, 3, 2, 1.  

That would really not help my husband's middle kid syndrome!

[seriousthistime]

Having moved from a large family home to a smaller home, then an even smaller home, and now in a slightly bigger than smaller home (half the square footage of the family home), I've had ample opportunity to weed out my possessions. Some of it was my mother's. 

When moving, I did similar to what finnime said, I boosted the trash collection.  I was able to select pickup once or twice a week. I had regular service once a week but when I was really weeding stuff out I upped it to twice a week. 

There is still a bunch of stuff I can't part with just yet.  I have a nice collection of Lenox Christmas china that I use from November to January.  

Our humane society used to have a large rummage sale every year and I was able to donate a lot of stuff to them. They don't do it anymore though.  Instead I use the Buy Nothing group on Facebook. 

[minnesotapaintlady]

I've been making an effort to reduce "stuff" for quite a while. I don't think either of my kids would even want anything of mine outside of big things like the house and/or vehicles.

I'm technically an only child, but it's complicated. I have steps and halves and an adopted out sibling that came back into my mom's life when he was in his 30's.  Luckily, I have nothing I am pining after, so I don't care if they all swoop in and take everything.  Please...do. 

[billisonboard]

Oct 14, 2024 9:02:55 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Oct 14, 2024 8:59:54 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Oldest child first? Seems old fashioned.

I guess if you are equally close to all your kids and they are equally burdened by your care, you gotta pick some method- but rigidly sticking to the first born is king and the youngest is a spare who only gets the scraps of the older (more special) children’s trash isn’t great. Maybe it should be more of a silent auction situation.

So first come, first serve is old fashioned. Got it.

Want to go big time old fashioned? I am seating here looking at my grandparent's lawyer's bookcase that I inherited because I was the oldest grandson. They had five older granddaughters.

[mollyanna58]

When my oldest brother died, we found out what a hoarder he was. His attic was packed with all sorts of useless stuff, including schoolbooks and papers going back to 8th grade. He even had some of another brother's school stuff. My other brothers took the window out of the attic, parked a dumpster in the driveway below, and tossed stuff out the window. They filled two dumpsters the first day. I was helping sort out what should be kept, and my own hoarding gene kicked in. There were so many boxes of books. I alternated: keep one box, toss the next. 

I periodically go up to my own attic and toss or donate stuff that's been up there for years.

[plugginaway22]

My mother has one of those lawyer's bookcases and she acts like it is worth so much money! They don't appeal to me so I'm fine with siblings grabbing that.

[billisonboard]

When my grandmother died, I was living a nomadic life so my mother kept the bookcase for me. She ended up moving and, in that process, it got unloaded at my brother's house instead of hers. About a month later, I showed up for a visit with a new wife and her Volvo station wagon. I had told her stories about my brother but she had blown them off as sibling rivalry. I had planned on just letting my brother have the bookcase, maybe even permanently. My (now ex-) wife met my brother for the first time and, as we were walking away, she whispered, "Get the bookcase."

[Tennesseer]

Oct 14, 2024 9:13:05 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Oct 14, 2024 9:02:55 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

So first come, first serve is old fashioned. Got it.

Well birth order isn't really something they can control.  It's not like the oldest was more on the ball at showing up earlier, so it does seem weird to me that the oldest should get their pick of everything first and what they don't want goes down the line until the youngest is getting the cracked china and the cordless drill with a missing battery.

But it does eliminate the idea among the children as to who is their parents' favorite.

Sibling rivalry.

[NoNamePerson]

Glad I am an only child and my son is an only child. No squabbling over crap!  

[Tennesseer]

Oct 14, 2024 10:52:13 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Glad I was an only child and my son is an only child. No squabbling over crap!  

Maybe he has an imaginary sibling?

[NoNamePerson]

Oct 14, 2024 10:53:38 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Oct 14, 2024 10:52:13 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Glad I was an only child and my son is an only child. No squabbling over crap!  

Maybe he has an imaginary sibling?

  Now that he’s having to deal with his dad he actually said shame on me for not giving him a sibling. “The sibling could take care of Dad and I could take care of you. You’re easy”. His words 

[andi9899]

Oct 13, 2024 18:21:25 GMT -5 pulmonarymd said:

The amount of work my wife and I needed to do when her father died was surprising. Going through all his stuff, even if it didn’t seem he had much. As an old Italian, he hid money everywhere, so you could not just toss things out; found a bunch of $100 bills in an eyeglass case! It just accumulates.

We recently had a sink overflow in our house and the water seeped into the basement. We had been talking about needing to clear out the basement-well we went through 30 years of stuff in a weekend. Made us realize that we need to do more cleaning when we get back into the house. Can’t believe how much stuff we had

My grandpa did this. When he died every little thing needed to be inspected. My uncle was going to throw a box away that looked like trash but decided to open it just in case. It had $4K in it. There was cash stashed all over the house.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Oct 14, 2024 11:01:45 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Oct 13, 2024 18:21:25 GMT -5 pulmonarymd said:

The amount of work my wife and I needed to do when her father died was surprising. Going through all his stuff, even if it didn’t seem he had much. As an old Italian, he hid money everywhere, so you could not just toss things out; found a bunch of $100 bills in an eyeglass case! It just accumulates.

We recently had a sink overflow in our house and the water seeped into the basement. We had been talking about needing to clear out the basement-well we went through 30 years of stuff in a weekend. Made us realize that we need to do more cleaning when we get back into the house. Can’t believe how much stuff we had

My grandpa did this. When he died every little thing needed to be inspected. My uncle was going to throw a box away that looked like trash but decided to open it just in case. It had $4K in it. There was cash stashed all over the house.

My FIL did that too.  Everything in the house has to be gone through before anyone donates it or takes it.

[raeoflyte]

Oct 14, 2024 10:49:55 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Oct 14, 2024 9:13:05 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Well birth order isn't really something they can control.  It's not like the oldest was more on the ball at showing up earlier, so it does seem weird to me that the oldest should get their pick of everything first and what they don't want goes down the line until the youngest is getting the cracked china and the cordless drill with a missing battery.

But it does eliminate the idea among the children as to who is their parents' favorite.

Sibling rivalry.

Because it cements who the favorite is?

[Tennesseer]

Oct 14, 2024 11:57:45 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Oct 14, 2024 10:49:55 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

But it does eliminate the idea among the children as to who is their parents' favorite.

Sibling rivalry.

Because it cements who the favorite is?

No. I said if there are multiple children, the oldest picks first and then the rest by age. No favoritism there.

[billisonboard]

Oct 14, 2024 12:01:18 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Oct 14, 2024 11:57:45 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Because it cements who the favorite is?

No. I said if there are multiple children, the oldest picks first and then the rest by age. No favoritism there.

Growing up, there was never in doubt on favorite. Older sister was "the apple of Daddy's eye", younger brother was "Mommy's little baby", and I was the middle child. 

[Tennesseer]

Oct 14, 2024 12:06:40 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Oct 14, 2024 12:01:18 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

No. I said if there are multiple children, the oldest picks first and then the rest by age. No favoritism there.

Growing up, there was never in doubt on favorite. Older sister was "the apple of Daddy's eye", younger brother was "Mommy's little baby", and I was the middle child. 

I am one of four siblings. I am #2 and my only sister is #3. Much was expected of the oldest. And the youngest got away with pretty much everything. But when it was time for the folks to down size, my older brother picked first. Me second. My sister third. And youngest (brother) last. By coincidence none of us wanted any of the other siblings' picks anyway. We all got along well with each other and still do after more than seventy years.

[raeoflyte]

Oct 14, 2024 12:01:18 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Oct 14, 2024 11:57:45 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Because it cements who the favorite is?

No. I said if there are multiple children, the oldest picks first and then the rest by age. No favoritism there.

The oldest is so often considered the favorite - so much more so when the eldest is male. I just don't think it's as fair of a system as you think. Or at least wouldn't be considered fair in many families.

Most people don't want their parents stuff but emotions are raw after death and it's worth looking at what messages are being sent from the grave.

[haapai]

Oct 14, 2024 12:16:04 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

I am one of four siblings. I am #2 and my only sister is #3. Much was expected of the oldest. And the youngest got away with pretty much everything. But when it was time for the folks to down size, my older brother picked first. Me second. My sister third. And youngest (brother) last. By coincidence none of us wanted any of the other siblings' picks anyway. We all got along well with each other and still do after more than seventy years.

When my brother and his three siblings were forced by their mother to take lots in birth order, there was no coincidence about it.  The kids had gotten together and decided who was going to get what out of the first and second round.  

I suspect that by the third round everyone was exhausted and nobody had room for any of the stuff.  Since my dad was the only one that lived in the same state as my grandmother, he probably started picking the largest lots by volume just to get it out of my grandmother's home and avoid hurting her feelings. 

My parents got very excited when I bought a house fifteen years later. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Oct 14, 2024 12:47:13 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Oct 14, 2024 12:01:18 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

No. I said if there are multiple children, the oldest picks first and then the rest by age. No favoritism there.

The oldest is so often considered the favorite - so much more so when the eldest is male. I just don't think it's as fair of a system as you think. Or at least wouldn't be considered fair in many families.

Most people don't want their parents stuff but emotions are raw after death and it's worth looking at what messages are being sent from the grave.

That's funny because dad and I were talking about elder care stuff and house clean outs.  I said it's Bob's turn because he is the only one the nursing homes haven't kicked off legal paperwork yet.

Dad said he doesn't want Bob involved.  I came back with "I KNEW he was the favorite!"

[Tennesseer]

Oct 14, 2024 12:47:13 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Oct 14, 2024 12:01:18 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

No. I said if there are multiple children, the oldest picks first and then the rest by age. No favoritism there.

The oldest is so often considered the favorite - so much more so when the eldest is male. I just don't think it's as fair of a system as you think. Or at least wouldn't be considered fair in many families.

Most people don't want their parents stuff but emotions are raw after death and it's worth looking at what messages are being sent from the grave.

I imagine if you were sibling #2 and your older sibling was the same gender as you, you would probably somehow believe it was an unfair system in selection of household good too.

Sometimes, life is just unfair. Most of us accept that.

[NastyWoman]

Oct 14, 2024 8:59:54 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Oct 14, 2024 8:53:55 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

When thinking of downsizing, ask your children (if you have any) or friends what if anything in your home they might like to have when down sizing begins.

Tape a post-it note (when possible) to the back of the item with the name of the person who gets it. Ask your oldest child first which item they want and then the younger ones in order of their birth. And when done, start round two or three if needed.

What is left, ask your friends if they want anything and put their names on the item. What isn't wanted by family or friends, call in the antique or second hand store owners. And after them? Donate or .

Oldest child first? Seems old fashioned.

I guess if you are equally close to all your kids and they are equally burdened by your care, you gotta pick some method- but rigidly sticking to the first born is king and the youngest is a spare who only gets the scraps of the older (more special) children’s trash isn’t great. Maybe it should be more of a silent auction situation.

When my 2 kids were younger (and I still do this for the grands) we would toss a coin to determine who would get first pick. Then kid A would get his first choice. Kid B would get 2nd and 3rd choice. From there we would keep going in sets of two until done - in this summer's case it was Pokemon cards hence the multiple choices but it would work for any large number of items. If there are more than two people involved - names in a bowl will substitute for the coin and some algorithm in who gets to choose first in subsequent rounds will avoid the best loved items all going to one person

[raeoflyte]

Oct 14, 2024 14:53:51 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Oct 14, 2024 12:47:13 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

The oldest is so often considered the favorite - so much more so when the eldest is male. I just don't think it's as fair of a system as you think. Or at least wouldn't be considered fair in many families.

Most people don't want their parents stuff but emotions are raw after death and it's worth looking at what messages are being sent from the grave.

I imagine if you were sibling #2 and your older sibling was the same gender as you, you would probably somehow believe it was an unfair system in selection of household good too.

Sometimes, life is just unfair. Most of us accept that.

If my kids believe I have a favorite (as adults) I will consider that a huge failing on my part. My kids are already aware that life isn't fair.

[TheOtherMe]

Oct 14, 2024 9:02:55 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Oct 14, 2024 8:59:54 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Oldest child first? Seems old fashioned.

I guess if you are equally close to all your kids and they are equally burdened by your care, you gotta pick some method- but rigidly sticking to the first born is king and the youngest is a spare who only gets the scraps of the older (more special) children’s trash isn’t great. Maybe it should be more of a silent auction situation.

So first come, first serve is old fashioned. Got it.

Mom told us to switch back and forth.  My idiot sister didn't understand that meant the two of us switched back and forth and her 4 kids were not part of that equation.

When I told what I wanted, she said her daughter wanted most of it.  I told her she already gave the washer and dryer to her son knowing I wanted it, so that was her first pick.  I wanted a specific piece of furniture that her daughter wanted.  It's in my house and I use it.

I wanted the mom's chair but gave it back because my cats were going to ruin it by clawing at it.  

[giramomma]

Other than my jewelry and my instrument, we own nothing of value other than our home.

The kids can figure out the sentimental stuff. And then they can throw out/donate the rest.

DS has already informed me he's not taking my dresser when he moves out. It is 47 years old.

Our first kitchen table I bought as a student at a garage sale. Then we got DH's parent's kitchen table. That broke, after 45 years of use. We've been through a couple more face-book/craigslist specials (one to make due, the other to fit our current spot).

Our dining room table? That's from my MIL. She bought it before she got married. It's over 50 years old.

Our couch? DH's futon frame is 38 years old.

Our cars are old. 

Our laptop computer is like 7 years old now.

You get the picture.

Even my pots and pans and towels are old.

[TheOtherMe]

I am still using furniture that was handed down to me when I got my first apartment in 1977.  End tables from my parents and some furniture our church at CU gave my roommate and me.  

[Sharon]

I was there when my Mom and her siblings divided up my Grandma's jewelry.  They put numbers in a hat and drew and that was the order of selection.

[soupandstew]

Guys, I want to say that I never mean to come across as flippant on this or related topics.  It's been far easier for me and DH because he and his parents lived a somewhat nomadic lifestyle due to his dad's military career and I was a dirt-poor nomad child too so there were no family treasures for us to covet.  When everything is just stuff we bought, it's easier to toss, donate or sell because there are no memories attached.  I can see how your family memories are intertwined with the chairs, china, and chests.  My cherished "family heirloom" was his dad's dilapidated, rusted-out, no air conditioning, high mileage pickup which somehow gave me the courage to be me.  When I finally gave it up, the floorboards had rusted through, so you saw the road beneath your feet as you drove.     

[dannylion]

I am hoping to adopt your goal tractor.  I have so much stuff.  I am not reluctant to part with the vast number of things I no longer want or use, but I find myself overwhelmed when I try to get started and do anything about it.  On the bright side, during the pandemic, I managed to clear a lot of stuff out of the basement and donated and/or trashed enough to make a noticeable dent in that collection of items of various levels of value or usefulness.  Since then, I've given away some things when I find someone who wants or needs something I have, but it's just a trickle.  I need to get serious about downsizing stuff since I will be moving to a CCRC within the next couple of years, and I am not going to be in control of when I reach the top of the waiting list or when, after that, a condo of the model I want becomes available. 

With my mobility issues, what I really need is for my wonderful, organizational genius neighbor to have time to help me again. She has helped a lot with clearing out some of the stuff I brought back from my dad's house after he passed away, and then I paid her to help me with the basement and the garage.  She worked a miracle with the garage.  She was planning a trip and wanted some extra money, so maybe she will want to travel again before too long and be able to make time to help out again.  

It's actually sort of comforting to see that I am not alone in having a houseful of unnecessary or otherwise unwanted or useless stuff.  Knowing that other people who are otherwise functional adults have similar issues doesn't move any of the stuff out of the house, but it makes me feel better.  

Good luck to all of us in our quest to be owned by less stuff.