Things to expect during divorce

[Gardening Grandma]

I agree withbWisconsin Beth. Communication needs to be through attorneys or via email. With email, people can't go back and say "I didn't say that". Lawyers will encourage clients to ask for a lot -often more than they realistically expect to get...

[ltdan]

Zibazinski - yes, I'm still living in the house. I will most likely have to sell it in the near future.
Apparently the STBX needs support now to help pay for her rent, which infuriated me because I already gave her all the cash I had.

I don't think the STBX has retained the service of a lawyer - she just did an initial consultation - The result of which stated that I should be paying ~$1,600 a month in spousal support.

Thank goodness they had Guinness on tap at the restaurant where I met her! <takes deep breaths>

[swamp]

May 19, 2011 7:11:26 GMT -5 ltdan said:

Hi All. Thought I'd post with an update, and to get another sanity check.
My lawyer filed for divorce for me in late April. I recently met with my STBX to have an intended civil chat. Apparently she visited a lawyer in the city, who recommended that she immediately receive spousal support. Apparently I owe her this as soon as I filed for divorce.
I forget the exact term for this, but my head was spinning from this. Is this legit? I always figured that alimony and all of that would be determined once the divorce is finalized.

Does anyone have any first hand knowledge of this?

What she's talking about is temporary alimony. You don't owe from the date of filing, if you owe her at all. You owe her from the date she files asking for support.

If you didnt' have to pay her until after the divorce settles, no one would have any incentive to settle a divorce..........

[zibazinski]

Don't pay a dime more until the court/lawyers demand it and get her name off your cards and accounts NOW not later.

[Deleted]

If you live in a state that mandates temporary spousal support, there may not be much you can do. Otherwise, it's negotiable. The fact that you've already given her money could work against you here. It could be seen as an agreement to provide temporary support. This is where you need a good lawyer. Don't give her another dime and don't meet her in person anymore. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, unfortunately.

[swamp]

May 19, 2011 8:26:34 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

If you live in a state that mandates temporary spousal support, there may not be much you can do. Otherwise, it's negotiable. The fact that you've already given her money could work against you here. It could be seen as an agreement to provide temporary support. This is where you need a good lawyer. Don't give her another dime and don't meet her in person anymore. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, unfortunately.

It can also be seen as a good faith effort to equitably divide the marital assets.

[zibazinski]

Let the law determine what you need to do from now on.

[Deleted]

May 19, 2011 8:30:45 GMT -5 swamp said:

It can also be seen as a good faith effort to equitably divide the marital assets.

And that's why he needs a good lawyer! If she were to get awarded temporary support a good lawyer could also argue that the money he already gave her was an advance against that and should reduce future liability. It could go either way.

Personally I think he ought to send her a bill for all her tuition and school fees he paid as she collected degrees, or make a claim against her future income- but I'll defer to his attorney on that since I'm not one. ;D

[ltdan]

For what it's worth, my lawyer asked to see basic income statements for myself and my STBX. And then mentioned that I am not obligated to provide anything to the STBX at this point.

Let the billable hours start accruing!

[Angel!]

May 19, 2011 10:24:12 GMT -5 ltdan said:

For what it's worth, my lawyer asked to see basic income statements for myself and my STBX. And then mentioned that I am not obligated to provide anything to the STBX at this point.

Let the billable hours start accruing!

Good!

She may get awarded temporary support, but don't start paying a dime until the court orders it. A lawyer telling her that you owe $1600/month doesn't mean much, especially if she doesn't have a firm grasp on your household income & expense, so who knows what info her lawyer was given.

Good luck to you, this will be a tough time, but you will make it through.

[Gardening Grandma]

May 19, 2011 10:24:12 GMT -5 ltdan said:

For what it's worth, my lawyer asked to see basic income statements for myself and my STBX. And then mentioned that I am not obligated to provide anything to the STBX at this point.

Let the billable hours start accruing!

Listen to your lawyer and follow his advice.....

[swamp]

And don't treat your lawyer like a therapist.

[Gardening Grandma]

May 19, 2011 11:04:32 GMT -5 Gardening Grandma said:

May 19, 2011 10:24:12 GMT -5 ltdan said:

For what it's worth, my lawyer asked to see basic income statements for myself and my STBX. And then mentioned that I am not obligated to provide anything to the STBX at this point.

Let the billable hours start accruing!

Listen to your lawyer and follow his advice.....

Wirh apologies to swamp, I should have said follow his or her advice.

Agreed, the lawyer isn't a therapist, so confine the discussions to legal issues. Vent here or with a therapist. I think they don't charge as much, and these boards are free.

[Deleted]

Personally I think he ought to send her a bill for all her tuition and school fees he paid as she collected degrees,

I've never read that the OP paid her tuition and school fees, only that she has been a perpetual student since they've been married.

When I went to graduate school, the model for many disciplines was that you received an assistantship. You taught two classes and got a scholarship that covered two more plus a small stipend to cover living expenses. Of course, the English Dept. may have had more assistantships than anyone else, but a friend's daughter got her master's in math like that a couple of years ago.

Or the OP's wife may have taken student loans to pay for school. I imagine she will have to pay these back, not him.

My point is that we jump to a lot of conclusions here because we only hear one side of the story. We don't even know what this debt the first lawyer said he would have to take 65% of is. Maybe his is a really expensive car while hers is a beater. If so, then, of course, they aren't going to split it 50/50.

OP, what is your wife getting these advanced degrees in, by the way? Do you mind sharing how she (or you) have been paying tuition and fees?

[ltdan]

To Southernsusana - I helped pay a few semesters of STBX's undergraduate degree. The rest of the tuition was paid by student loans in her name. Her Master's degree was basically free - she was a TA and was given a small stipend and free tuition. Her PhD is basically the same. Her degrees are in a particular foreign language (don't want to completely give myself away here..) with the end goal of being a professor at a university.

Now the rub is that for a few semesters during her masters, she still took out student loans for some extra $. Not the smartest move, considering there was really no tuition statements to pay except for misc fees. And this part is always brought up by STBX.

As previously posted, I was a dumba$$ and sold my (note free) car and gave her the cash from that. I inherited her car (matrix), and am assuming the payments on it (about 10k left on note).
She lives in the city now, and has no need for a vehicle.

And yes, my lawyer is for business only. My friends, neighbors, this board, and stout beer are my sources of therapy.

[Deleted]

Now the rub is that for a few semesters during her masters, she still took out student loans for some extra $. Not the smartest move, considering there was really no tuition statements to pay except for misc fees. And this part is always brought up by STBX.

I almost guessed this part because so many of my friends did the same thing when they were in graduate school. They had the tuition and the stipend, but they would then use the student loans to pay off "bills."

The "rub," I imagine, is that she now realizes that she will be paying back $$$ for YEARS that you both spent. That's just how marriage is, though. She doesn't owe you a share of her future earnings (which will never be much, anyway), and you don't owe her repayment of that part of her student loans.

That's just my opinion, though, and I'm not the judge.

[Deleted]

I'm adding to my response simply because I think this thread has drifted off everyone's mind. Yet everyone was quick to say he had supported her during her perpetual college phase and deserved half her income.

I would just like to hear the rest of you comment on the OP not paying for her education. Some of his last post might change your opinion . . . or not.

Edited to correct spelling.

[Deleted]

May 20, 2011 18:00:35 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

I would just like to hear the rest of you comment on the OP not paying for her education. Some of his las post might change your opinion . . . or not.

I agree that it's a different case if she was accumulating student loans and she's going to pay them off- but he also gave up any income she would have brought in. Even if her student loan proceeds paid for most of her upkeep (food, part of the utilities, etc.) she was not in a professional-level job during those years. The OP will not reap any benefit of her future jobs. Yes, I know she's a specialist in Old Norse or something similarly unmarketable, but her lawyer can hardly counter that she has no earning potential since it will make the STBX look bad.

But I'll leave it to the OP's lawyer to decide strategy.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Ah I forgot about this thread. I like the "Old Norse" joke.

Good luck ltdan and hang in there. Remember to stay calm and document everything. If you play your cards right, and she gets crazy and emotional, she might very well be her own worst enemy.