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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2011 18:22:06 GMT -5
Just sit back and let him do his job... And just let her have 55% of the assets and take on 45% of the debt? If that is what he wants then go for it, but if he doesn't he needs to make that clear and if the lawyer won't work with him to find a solution he likes he needs to find another one. Is that really what the attorney was saying? From the moment I read it, I thought it was a figure of speech. The attorney is saying "It's not going to be exactly 50/50, but we'll get it as close as we can." Life is not perfectly fair, and neither is divorce. Those who get nitpicky over every little thing end up with long, drawn out divorces costing a fortune. If a settlement is reasonably close to 50/50, just take it. Maybe I'm wrong, that was just how I read it. Same here, get the best deal you can get and get out of dodge. Is that 5% really worth a year or so fighting and paying lawyers? And personnallt I think if you consider the fact that she is not working, and will take her longer to get back on her feet (which in divorce means extra $$$$ for her) that breakdown doesn't sound too bad to me. The lawyers might end up costing you more than that extra 5% you want/need, so really think about it.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 20, 2011 18:36:32 GMT -5
First I will say that I have not read thru all the posts so if repeat just forget this post:
Change the beneficiary on all your policies, IRA's if not covered somehow in divorce cree.
Get checking account in your name only.
Agree to close all jointly held cc and checking accounts.
Do not fall for the "I want to keep such and such cc and I promise I won't default" That one will come back to bite you!
Get cc in your name only if possible before closing joint ones.
Draw up a new will.
Change locks on your doors if you are staying in house.
Don't remember if you have children so that opens up a whole list of things.
I can't think of some others but wish you the best and keep in mind that things will get easier and better with time.
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motherto2
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Post by motherto2 on Apr 20, 2011 21:35:38 GMT -5
Lt Dan, sorry to hear of your divorce. I've been through 2 and as others have said, each is different. First one, I had 2 kids. Luckily he was the one that "wasn't happy" and was interested in another. We used a lawyer because you really need someone official to take depositions, file the proper papers, etc. You don't want improper paperwork or procedures to bite you in the butt later on down the road. We only had the one, I paid for the no contest divorce, which was around $300-$400 over 12 years ago. i drew up the settlement agreement which I patterned after one I borrowed from a friend who had recently divorced. In retrospect, I wish I'd gone ahead and had a lawyer draw it up for a little extra money, because I would have changed some things. In retrospect when I said i would be responsible for paying all the kids extra curricular activities, I would never have dreamed my children would have been into so many activities that added up to lots of $. I could have said no, but that's not the point on this post. Second divorce, we both had lawyers because I was worried he'd try to take my house (it was my house, long story). I ended up keeping a whole lot of debt in order to keep it, but it was worth it to me. Thankfully no kids with that one. But, I learned the hard way, freeze all of your credit reports, and get a detailed list of your debts, etc. now. He was supposed to take me off any cc's, and vice versa. I found out by a fluke about a year ago that he hadn't taken me off of one of his cc's (THANKFULLY I was only an approved user and not joint). He caused me some financial hardship when I found out he hadn't paid on it for over 5 months, was about $1500 over his limit. I also had a tax refund garnished because he hadn't taken my name off of a vehicle that he kept, and he didn't pay the personal property taxes on it. And I've heard of exes going out and getting numerous cc's and charging them to the max before your divorce is final and then you find out about it after it's too late. Also, he was able to stay on my health insurance until our divorce (I couldn't take him off early). Well, about a year after the divorce was final I started getting statements from my BC.BS saying they had paid such and such to the VA for medical stuff. I contacted them and they realized it was a mistake. It took months for the VA to stop sending the bills to my insurance. Luckily I wasn't responsible for any of it, it was for things that would have been covered under insurance. Good luck!
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ltdan
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Post by ltdan on Apr 21, 2011 7:47:40 GMT -5
Thanks all for the advice and information. I'm in contact with lawyer #2, and will meet her early next week to discuss the details. She seemed more reasonable than lawyer #1, and came highly recommended through some friends.
I'm in the process of separating the joint accounts. Luckily, we only have 1 real credit card that we share, and that is in my name. I opened a separate credit card account in my name only, and lowered the max limit on our 'shared' credit card. The STBX told me she had trouble opening her own credit card account because of her credit. (shaky job history, never really had any loans which she paid off that were in her name)
But she is on her own health care plan (through school) and a separate cell phone plan. So at least that's a start. What kills me is that while she complains she doesn't have any money, she spent $800 on a plane ticket to Europe for some academic conference next month. She said her dad was going to cover all of her travel expenses (and pay me back), but used my credit card because hers didn't have a high enough credit limit. Yeah, in my mind this is pretty ridiculous, but I'm trying to stay positive and not get into a mud flinging contest.
On an emotional side, I think I'm going to be much happier on my own. I'm fairly responsible with money, and don't make rash financial decisions. I didn't think I would be marrying an eventual financial train wreck. (yes, PhD candidates can be ignorant in other facets of life!) Lessons learned.
So that's my schpiel. Flame away
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Apr 21, 2011 9:19:50 GMT -5
"What kills me is that while she complains she doesn't have any money, she spent $800 on a plane ticket to Europe for some academic conference next month. She said her dad was going to cover all of her travel expenses (and pay me back), but used my credit card because hers didn't have a high enough credit limit. "
Hopefully her dad will pay you back. If not, then You may just have to eat it and hopefully that is the worst that could happen.
Glad to hear you are getting a second opinion. I would not put down a retainer until you are comfortable that you have someone you can work with..... I do hope you are making sure she is not an authorized user on your credit cards and that you have put a freeze on them.
Good luck. It does get better with time.
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Post by jarhead1976 on Apr 21, 2011 9:55:26 GMT -5
ltdan, remember from here on out if her lips are moving she is lying. Her father is not responsible for her. You are.... Find out when she is leaving and see if any of your close friends will be out of town at the same time she is...! If she calls from Europe needing money you going to send it? She is already into you for a car your mutual funds and your 401k will be split... Put a stop to it or you will have nothing and be living on a 100 dollars a week. ltdan says: "But she is on her own health care plan (through school) and a separate cell phone plan. So at least that's a start. What kills me is that while she complains she doesn't have any money, she spent $800 on a plane ticket to Europe for some academic conference next month. She said her dad was going to cover all of her travel expenses (and pay me back), but used my credit card because hers didn't have a high enough credit limit. Yeah, in my mind this is pretty ridiculous, but I'm trying to stay positive and not get into a mud flinging contest."
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Clever Username
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Post by Clever Username on Apr 21, 2011 10:34:21 GMT -5
Sounds like your analysis is moving forward. Contact your credit card and remove her as an authorized user. Run your credit report, print a copy for your files, Contact all open lines to confirm she's not an authorized user. Consider freezing your credit, it's a long shot, but if she's angry and out of money, she's got all your digits.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2011 10:44:51 GMT -5
Definitely do what you can to keep her from running up debt in Europe that you may be responsible for. (Lowering the credit line was a good move.) Europe is going to be expensive, wherever she's headed, so some things will cost more than expected and then there might be other splurges, rationalized by, "Well, I may never get here again so I may as well buy/do x." If Dad is going to cover all of her travel expenses, fine. Let Dad make her an authorized user on HIS card.
You don't need to get into a mud-flinging contest but you can set boundaries, protect yourself and keep records. I married a financial train wreck so I know the damage they can do.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Apr 21, 2011 11:26:05 GMT -5
<< So that's my schpiel. Flame away >>
Flame you for what? You have to look out for yourself and act in your own best interests. Best of luck to you for a happier future.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Apr 21, 2011 15:42:56 GMT -5
and lowered the max limit on our 'shared' credit card. The STBX told me she had trouble opening her own credit card account because of her credit. (shaky job history, never really had any loans which she paid off that were in her name) Come back when she doesn't make payments on "shared" credit card. Let her DADDY get her a credit card and close this one. Divorce is not doing anything jointly in the future (unless children are involved) except possibly smoking
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2011 18:36:53 GMT -5
We could use a little levity ;D
One of my sisters, known for her "gimme-gimme, have-you-got, can-you-get, can-I-have" attitude was divorcing her husband. She wouldn't agree to anything regarding the house, cars, furniture. When they got to court, the judge ordered that all their assets be sold and the proceeds divided 50/50. Sister said "I'll have it all or I'll have nothing!"Asked the jduge:"Nothing?" Sister's attorney was trying to shut her up, but she blurted out "Nothing!" Said the judge: "Nothing. So ordered."
Sister just sat there wit her mouth full of teeth while her ex marched out the door with a very big smile on his face.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Apr 21, 2011 18:57:49 GMT -5
We could use a little levity ;D One of my sisters, known for her "gimme-gimme, have-you-got, can-you-get, can-I-have" attitude was divorcing her husband. She wouldn't agree to anything regarding the house, cars, furniture. When they got to court, the judge ordered that all their assets be sold and the proceeds divided 50/50. Sister said "I'll have it all or I'll have nothing!"Asked the jduge:"Nothing?" Sister's attorney was trying to shut her up, but she blurted out "Nothing!" Said the judge: "Nothing. So ordered." Sister just sat there wit her mouth full of teeth while her ex marched out the door with a very big smile on his face. LOL
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Post by ty on Apr 21, 2011 19:03:27 GMT -5
Do not repeat. Sometimes you are better off dating than marrying. as for giving her cash money, not a good idea at all. Now you have become her cash-cow and she sees your weakness.
Everything should be done in writing between the two of you. You only need an attorney if either one of you feel as if you are getting screwed over.
If she is working, than alimony should not be a part of the divorce. She is capable of holding a job and should capable of taking care of her self.
The marriage-trap is all marriage is imo. Two people trapping one another and then when thongs don't go well then it's to the courts and trying to squeeze as much out of the one that as the most.
Just make it a 50/50 split if it's a mutual divorce. If she cheated on you and you have the proof, then make it 70/30, if you cheated o her then make it 30/70.
You are 32 and you really shouldn't have married so young. You can always date lefty and righty for a while date girls here and there until you find a compatible other that you want to spend your life with. Date someone for a few years before marriage. Think with the head on your shoulders and not the one dangling between your legs.
Verbal agreements are hard to prove in a Court of law, they would prefer it all to be in writing on on audio tape. Handing her cash money is the same as throwing money out the window since you have no real proof you gave her the cash, and especially if she's pizzed, she's not going to admit in a court of law the truth.
GET it all in writing and have someone with you when if you ever decide to hand her any cash ever again.
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motherto2
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Post by motherto2 on Apr 22, 2011 21:46:04 GMT -5
Please freeze your credit and do it quickly. Since you are still married there is nothing to stop her from opening another cc or more in your name or trying to call your current cc and ask them to raise the limit so she can spend spend spend. Now that you know she has no respect for what is yours (by using your cc without your permission and knowledge) you know she's capable of more. Best of luck, I know it's not easy. But I have to tell you, after 2 failed marriages, I am so much happier. I have no one to answer to for anything, and I'm no longer torn between my kids and my husband.
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suziq38
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Post by suziq38 on Apr 23, 2011 18:43:18 GMT -5
Please freeze your credit and do it quickly. Since you are still married there is nothing to stop her from opening another cc or more in your name or trying to call your current cc and ask them to raise the limit so she can spend spend spend. Now that you know she has no respect for what is yours (by using your cc without your permission and knowledge) you know she's capable of more. Best of luck, I know it's not easy. But I have to tell you, after 2 failed marriages, I am so much happier. I have no one to answer to for anything, and I'm no longer torn between my kids and my husband. Do a credit check immediately. See what is going on with a credit report for both of you. Check with your lawyer NOW about a notice in the paper about any and all charges or debts being by her being hers alone and vice versa. I am not sure that that is still done. But if so, do it. This way, the charging and running up bills in the name of your marriage ends after a certain date. The sooner the better. Hide all of your CC's in a safety deposit box. Notify the CC companies that you are getting a divorce, and you want separate accounts.
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TD2K
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Post by TD2K on Apr 23, 2011 19:39:36 GMT -5
See what is going on with a credit report for both of you.
I'd be careful about this. I don't believe it's legal to pull someone else's credit report even if it's your spouse and since you two are divorcing, I'd be very leary about pulling her report because you essentially say you are them when you do this. Talk to your attorney.
Your report, pull that all you want and see if anything is being reported on it that is new or unusual by all means.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2011 19:52:33 GMT -5
Anyone else notice a great divide in this thread? Those who had painful divorces are giving "get a lawyer NOW" advice. Those who did manage to do it civilly are saying, "You don't have to waste the $$$."
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motherto2
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Post by motherto2 on Apr 23, 2011 22:52:18 GMT -5
both of my divorces were fairly civil, but I still think it's a good idea. You always want to make sure that you have every i dotted and t crossed and don't have to find out the hard way later that there was a mistake. In my state you have to have depositions and a witness, and you can't do everything by yourself. Besides, if it takes a turn for the worse, you already have representation to help you.
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ltdan
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Post by ltdan on Apr 25, 2011 15:03:26 GMT -5
For those that are interested, I have retained the services of a lawyer. After about 5 minutes of me telling her my story, she stopped me mid sentence, and told me matter of factly, "It looks like you were the giver, and your wife was the taker." And I was rightfully scolded for giving the STBX some of my assets from the start. How much more I will have to bleed remains to be seen, but the lawyer stated that I should be able to retain 60% of the assets, and keep the majority of the debt, too.
I apparently live in a state that supports equitable distribution. And since I was the one that brought all the assets into the marriage, I should be able to keep most of them. But again, we'll see how it goes. But now I should be able to sleep at night.
And yes, SouthernSusana, I hear you on the divided advice on this board. I think the lawyer is to ensure that I don't get screwed anymore (figuratively) from the STBX. We're still civil with one another, but I've lost my faith and trust in her. For a few thousand dollars, having a lawyer triple check everything is worth every penny!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2011 15:12:16 GMT -5
Get back to us with the final bill, please.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 25, 2011 16:22:12 GMT -5
...:::"The STBX told me":::...
Just some quick humor. I used to wonder, every time I read this, why people kept mentioning their Starbucks stock in divorce settlements. (I know now that the actual ticker symbol is different, but this still makes me chuckle).
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Apr 25, 2011 17:04:27 GMT -5
...:::"The STBX told me":::... Just some quick humor. I used to wonder, every time I read this, why people kept mentioning their Starbucks stock in divorce settlements. (I know now that the actual ticker symbol is different, but this still makes me chuckle). Yeah, I initially had the same reaction too... ;D
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 26, 2011 11:38:59 GMT -5
"How much more I will have to bleed remains to be seen, but the lawyer stated that I should be able to retain 60% of the assets, and keep the majority of the debt, too. "
Sucks on keeping the majority of the debt too.
Please tell us you didn't cosign her student loans or cash flow her tuition. I don't remember if you mentioned it earlier in the thread and I'm not in a place where I can go back and re-read.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2011 18:44:35 GMT -5
Doesn't this depend on what the debt was for? My ex and I split the debt 50/50, but I'd have to say that a large majority was in my name. Need a new refrigerator? My name. Need flooring for the basement? My name.
He kept the house, by the way. If you are keeping the majority of the assets at 60%, why wouldn't it be fair to have 60% of the debt . . . assuming she didn't spend it on clothes for herself or something. Majority just means greater than 50%.
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ltdan
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Post by ltdan on May 19, 2011 7:11:26 GMT -5
Hi All. Thought I'd post with an update, and to get another sanity check. My lawyer filed for divorce for me in late April. I recently met with my STBX to have an intended civil chat. Apparently she visited a lawyer in the city, who recommended that she immediately receive spousal support. Apparently I owe her this as soon as I filed for divorce. I forget the exact term for this, but my head was spinning from this. Is this legit? I always figured that alimony and all of that would be determined once the divorce is finalized.
Does anyone have any first hand knowledge of this?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 19, 2011 7:26:07 GMT -5
Are you still living in the same house? Did you move out? Spousal support is usually until divorce if final and then what happens after that is up to you guys and the legal system. If she cannot support herself then SOMETIMES she will be awarded some temporary alimony for a period of time but no way should this become long term. Check with your lawyer. Trust me DF's EX wanted spousal support because it was a nice paycheck every month so she tried to drag out the divorce. ONLY when DF said that anymore spousal support was coming out of her HALF did it finally end. Remember lawyers have a vested interest in keeping things dragging as well.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on May 19, 2011 7:31:57 GMT -5
I remember my BIL had to pay his ex wife alimony for about 18 months until she found a job. She had been a SAHM for the duration of their marriage, about 16 years. It was what they BOTH wanted, she wasn't lazy. He liked her being at home and so did she. The 18 months gave her time to get a job, save some money or go back to school for a year.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 19, 2011 7:35:18 GMT -5
Hi All. Thought I'd post with an update, and to get another sanity check. My lawyer filed for divorce for me in late April. I recently met with my STBX to have an intended civil chat. Apparently she visited a lawyer in the city, who recommended that she immediately receive spousal support. Apparently I owe her this as soon as I filed for divorce. I forget the exact term for this, but my head was spinning from this. Is this legit? I always figured that alimony and all of that would be determined once the divorce is finalized. Does anyone have any first hand knowledge of this? Tell her that all communication needs to be though your lawyer. And I like the idea of the spousal support coming out of her portion of the settlement but I have no idea if that's legal...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 19, 2011 7:39:52 GMT -5
Probably not but the threat of it finally got thru to her. There doesn't seem, in this case, to be much in the way of assets. He's funded her thru years of schooling with her having not much of a job and now there is debt and his paycheck.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on May 19, 2011 7:45:30 GMT -5
NY recently passed a law where spousal support based on an income formula is due from the time you ask the other person for a divorce until the separation agreement is finalized. During the process, the judge will determine the length and amount of any ongoing support. This was supposed to be so that the lower earning spouse had money to live on to pursue the divorce and wasn't trapped in a marriage because of money. I think it was also intended to make the spouse with more money come to an agreement about division of assets faster.
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