swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jul 17, 2024 11:50:48 GMT -5
DS got checks for graduation presents, and I had to show him how to do a deposit at the bank.
All his paychecks were direct deposited, so he had no idea how to do it.
Life has certainly changed.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jul 17, 2024 11:56:16 GMT -5
I don't know. I have said this before but I need more than 1400 sft for a 3/3 home. This seems awfully cramped I agree. I would not want anything less than maybe 1200 sq ft on 1st floor. The one you put up had a little less than 1000 sq ft on floor 1. I am not sure if this one said how many sq ft was floor 1 vs. Basement. In WI, basement sq feet tends to be a bit damp and cold. Don't get me wrong, we use our finished basement a lot, but now that DH redid dd's bedroom on 1st floor, she just uses that space. We only use the basement for entertainment now.
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Pink Cashmere
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Post by Pink Cashmere on Jul 17, 2024 11:57:56 GMT -5
I'm so far behind I'll never catch up. But I keep having a question I thought I'd pose to the group. Is there a difference between checking out and matching energy or is it semantics? I suppose by the time you're asking it doesn't matter, but I feel like there is a difference but I can't actually articulate one when pressed. I think it depends on how far apart you are in terms of energy and it's a really fine line to walk. If I were to have matched DH's energy on some things then I would have been checking out of our relationship. I expect my partner to be an adult especially when he is 10 years older than me. The idea that I need to come down to his level is bonkers to me and IMO smacks of Men are from Mars type sexism. No I am NOT going to parent a 50 year old adult. He can put on his big boy undies and nut up. Supporting him as he is grieving the loss of both parents and is struggling to function? Yes absolutely I will come down to his level because he needs that space to be able to focus on the really important stuff like doing his job.But I also expect him to grant me the same grace and he did. If he expected me to always match his energy and never come up to mine then we'd be divorcing. Yesterday my therapist put something on my mind because she said that I might be giving Mister too much grace by thinking the stuff with his parents is a big part of the reasons he is how he is right now regarding our relationship. I know he is still struggling, even though he doesn’t talk about it. Father’s Day was rough, it was his first without his Dad. His Mom’s birthday was yesterday. It still hasn’t even been a year since his Dad died. He said Monday and yesterday while driving, how his Dad would love his Mustang. Yesterday before we left, he was looking under the hood and took a picture and said “I wish I could send this to my Dad”. I didn’t have a relationship at all with my biological father when he died, so I haven’t experienced losing a parent I had a close relationship with. Never mind both within 7 months. And all the stress before and between their deaths to try to see about them and clean up their financial mess. That just seems like beyond a lot for anybody to go through, and he is the kind of person that tries to stuff emotions, which imo tends to make everything worse. Now when he was being mean, that was different and totally unacceptable to me. He’s not mean or negative anymore. Now we are kind of just here, living parallel lives in the same house. So I asked her how did what she said yesterday go along with what she was saying about a 5th grader and capacity in that joint session I told you all about. She said the capacity thing was a true deficiency, not a choice, and Mister is choosing to be the way he is in our relationship right now. So I was confused, because I’d taken it to mean that sometimes things can happen (like grief) that can temporarily lower a pers’s ability to function like normal in a relationship. I’m still confused lol. To me, saying a person is choosing to not function as well as normal when they are grieving, is similar to saying a person is choosing to not function well when they are depressed. I remember there were some unpleasant behaviors from your DH after his Mom passed, but I don’t remember what exactly he was doing to upset you or how long it lasted. Anyway, I am curious about what you kind souls think about what my therapist said yesterday. Am I giving him too much grace, thinking it’s because he is grieving? FWIW, some things have been slowly improving, but we still have a long way to go, and my thought process has been to not rush him or insist that he come on with it, RIGHT NOW.
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Pink Cashmere
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Post by Pink Cashmere on Jul 17, 2024 12:00:55 GMT -5
The way I understand it, when people say something about matching energy, they usually mean matching negative energy that someone is directing toward them, and reacting to whatever that person does or says with the same kind of negative energy. Checking out is not investing much, if any, energy in a person, in thought or deed. I don't think of matching energy as negative. I walk away from negative interactions as quickly as possible. I think the first time I saw it explained was mother’s day vs father's day. If mom makes a big effort to make father's day special and but dad is throwing together mothers day last minute or worst ignoring it especially repeatedly eventually it's OK to stop putting so much energy into father's day. That makes sense too as a way of matching energy. And doing that isn’t necessarily checking out.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 17, 2024 12:10:25 GMT -5
DS got checks for graduation presents, and I had to show him how to do a deposit at the bank. All his paychecks were direct deposited, so he had no idea how to do it. Life has certainly changed. The girls don't know how to write checks. I saw a trend on tik tok where kids are doing a "challenge" to write their name without lifting the pen off the paper. So the challenge is to write their name in cursive.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jul 17, 2024 12:17:04 GMT -5
There is no proof that the bonds were stolen. They may be misplaced.
My credit union will do most anything for me over the phone. But I have had an account with them since I moved here. We added the extra layer of security on phone calls when the my SSN was added to some dead priest's name. But my credit is frozen so the risk is small on someone getting a CC or loan with my SSN. The whole discussion about these bonds has had me uneasy. That missing and, after years reappearing wallet (and the many equivalents thereof I have personally had over the years) keeps coming to mind. Surely I can't be the only one who manages to lose a pen I just used without ever getting up from my chair? Yet we not only seem to assume that the bonds are stolen but we also, without anything to back this up, already assigned guilt to the homeless man. He is almost automatically assumed to be more likely to have stolen the bond than the man who plans to go back to work at the iron works(?) While it is quite possible that the bonds are in fact stolen and were in fact stolen by the homeless man, it is equally possible that none of this is true. It is also possible they ended up in the pile of things that were set out at the roadside for free or inside something that was sold at the yard sale, or they cone out of the box with dishes once they are unpacked in the new home? Or maybe they were stolen by the other guy Someone mentioned that you can get replacement bonds for stolen or lost bonds. I would list them as lost and get replacement bonds asap?
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Jul 17, 2024 12:19:56 GMT -5
DS got checks for graduation presents, and I had to show him how to do a deposit at the bank. All his paychecks were direct deposited, so he had no idea how to do it. Life has certainly changed. Mine has check deposit down, but I had to give him a refresher on addressing envelopes for thank you notes a few days ago and they still looked like a 5 year old wrote them. It wasn't so much the penmanship which was fine, it was the formatting that was making me twitchy. Is it that hard to left justify?
Joe and Sue Smith 1234 S. Baker Street Omaha, NE 66666
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Jul 17, 2024 12:22:23 GMT -5
DS got checks for graduation presents, and I had to show him how to do a deposit at the bank. All his paychecks were direct deposited, so he had no idea how to do it. Life has certainly changed. The girls don't know how to write checks. I saw a trend on tik tok where kids are doing a "challenge" to write their name without lifting the pen off the paper. So the challenge is to write their name in cursive. My 22 year old has never written a check either, and neither kid can sign their name despite learning cursive in grade school at the Montessori. The oldest has started to formulate his own special "squiggle" for a signature but if anyone asks for it to be legible (like for mortgage docs) he'd have to print it.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jul 17, 2024 12:27:02 GMT -5
DS got checks for graduation presents, and I had to show him how to do a deposit at the bank. All his paychecks were direct deposited, so he had no idea how to do it. Life has certainly changed. Mine has check deposit down, but I had to give him a refresher on addressing envelopes for thank you notes a few days ago and they still looked like a 5 year old wrote them. It wasn't so much the penmanship which was fine, it was the formatting that was making me twitchy. Is it that hard to left justify?
Joe and Sue Smith 1234 S. Baker Street Omaha, NE 66666
I was on the project graduation committee for the graduating class. When the kids came into the party, we had them address an envelope to themselves so we could send pictures of the night to them. About 75% of the attendees had no idea how to address an envelope.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jul 17, 2024 12:29:54 GMT -5
The girls don't know how to write checks. I saw a trend on tik tok where kids are doing a "challenge" to write their name without lifting the pen off the paper. So the challenge is to write their name in cursive. My 22 year old has never written a check either, and neither kid can sign their name despite learning cursive in grade school at the Montessori. The oldest has started to formulate his own special "squiggle" for a signature but if anyone asks for it to be legible (like for mortgage docs) he'd have to print it. DD can sign her name and write in cursive. DS cannot. He also has a "squiggle." They are 17 months apart and 2 years apart in school, so they got the same curriculum.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 17, 2024 12:30:34 GMT -5
I think I have seen that before. I don't like houses sold AS IS. To those saying the houses are too small, houses that were built in this price range in the 50's and 60's were that size. Only the wealthy around me had larger houses. I could easily live in a house this size if I had an inspection done and knew what is going on with it.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jul 17, 2024 12:39:39 GMT -5
I think I have seen that before. I don't like houses sold AS IS. To those saying the houses are too small, houses that were built in this price range in the 50's and 60's were that size. Only the wealthy around me had larger houses. I could easily live in a house this size if I had an inspection done and knew what is going on with it. It isn't that the house is too small so much as that there are too many rooms for the square footage. My condo (build in1969) is 1300sqf and quite roomy but it is a 2/2.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 17, 2024 12:51:07 GMT -5
I think it depends on how far apart you are in terms of energy and it's a really fine line to walk. If I were to have matched DH's energy on some things then I would have been checking out of our relationship. I expect my partner to be an adult especially when he is 10 years older than me. The idea that I need to come down to his level is bonkers to me and IMO smacks of Men are from Mars type sexism. No I am NOT going to parent a 50 year old adult. He can put on his big boy undies and nut up. Supporting him as he is grieving the loss of both parents and is struggling to function? Yes absolutely I will come down to his level because he needs that space to be able to focus on the really important stuff like doing his job.But I also expect him to grant me the same grace and he did. If he expected me to always match his energy and never come up to mine then we'd be divorcing. Yesterday my therapist put something on my mind because she said that I might be giving Mister too much grace by thinking the stuff with his parents is a big part of the reasons he is how he is right now regarding our relationship. I know he is still struggling, even though he doesn’t talk about it. Father’s Day was rough, it was his first without his Dad. His Mom’s birthday was yesterday. It still hasn’t even been a year since his Dad died. He said Monday and yesterday while driving, how his Dad would love his Mustang. Yesterday before we left, he was looking under the hood and took a picture and said “I wish I could send this to my Dad”. I didn’t have a relationship at all with my biological father when he died, so I haven’t experienced losing a parent I had a close relationship with. Never mind both within 7 months. And all the stress before and between their deaths to try to see about them and clean up their financial mess. That just seems like beyond a lot for anybody to go through, and he is the kind of person that tries to stuff emotions, which imo tends to make everything worse. Now when he was being mean, that was different and totally unacceptable to me. He’s not mean or negative anymore. Now we are kind of just here, living parallel lives in the same house. So I asked her how did what she said yesterday go along with what she was saying about a 5th grader and capacity in that joint session I told you all about. She said the capacity thing was a true deficiency, not a choice, and Mister is choosing to be the way he is in our relationship right now. So I was confused, because I’d taken it to mean that sometimes things can happen (like grief) that can temporarily lower a pers’s ability to function like normal in a relationship. I’m still confused lol. To me, saying a person is choosing to not function as well as normal when they are grieving, is similar to saying a person is choosing to not function well when they are depressed. I remember there were some unpleasant behaviors from your DH after his Mom passed, but I don’t remember what exactly he was doing to upset you or how long it lasted. Anyway, I am curious about what you kind souls think about what my therapist said yesterday. Am I giving him too much grace, thinking it’s because he is grieving? FWIW, some things have been slowly improving, but we still have a long way to go, and my thought process has been to not rush him or insist that he come on with it, RIGHT NOW. I think you've given him more than enough grace. You've put up with way more than most people would. Add on the problems with his kids, and I would have peaced out years ago. That's just my two cents.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 17, 2024 12:55:29 GMT -5
I think I have seen that before. I don't like houses sold AS IS. To those saying the houses are too small, houses that were built in this price range in the 50's and 60's were that size. Only the wealthy around me had larger houses. I could easily live in a house this size if I had an inspection done and knew what is going on with it. I don't see as is necessarily as a bad thing. Any house I end up buying will have an inspection.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 17, 2024 13:04:45 GMT -5
I think it depends on how far apart you are in terms of energy and it's a really fine line to walk. If I were to have matched DH's energy on some things then I would have been checking out of our relationship. I expect my partner to be an adult especially when he is 10 years older than me. The idea that I need to come down to his level is bonkers to me and IMO smacks of Men are from Mars type sexism. No I am NOT going to parent a 50 year old adult. He can put on his big boy undies and nut up. Supporting him as he is grieving the loss of both parents and is struggling to function? Yes absolutely I will come down to his level because he needs that space to be able to focus on the really important stuff like doing his job.But I also expect him to grant me the same grace and he did. If he expected me to always match his energy and never come up to mine then we'd be divorcing. Yesterday my therapist put something on my mind because she said that I might be giving Mister too much grace by thinking the stuff with his parents is a big part of the reasons he is how he is right now regarding our relationship. I know he is still struggling, even though he doesn’t talk about it. Father’s Day was rough, it was his first without his Dad. His Mom’s birthday was yesterday. It still hasn’t even been a year since his Dad died. He said Monday and yesterday while driving, how his Dad would love his Mustang. Yesterday before we left, he was looking under the hood and took a picture and said “I wish I could send this to my Dad”. I didn’t have a relationship at all with my biological father when he died, so I haven’t experienced losing a parent I had a close relationship with. Never mind both within 7 months. And all the stress before and between their deaths to try to see about them and clean up their financial mess. That just seems like beyond a lot for anybody to go through, and he is the kind of person that tries to stuff emotions, which imo tends to make everything worse. Now when he was being mean, that was different and totally unacceptable to me. He’s not mean or negative anymore. Now we are kind of just here, living parallel lives in the same house. So I asked her how did what she said yesterday go along with what she was saying about a 5th grader and capacity in that joint session I told you all about. She said the capacity thing was a true deficiency, not a choice, and Mister is choosing to be the way he is in our relationship right now. So I was confused, because I’d taken it to mean that sometimes things can happen (like grief) that can temporarily lower a pers’s ability to function like normal in a relationship. I’m still confused lol. To me, saying a person is choosing to not function as well as normal when they are grieving, is similar to saying a person is choosing to not function well when they are depressed. I remember there were some unpleasant behaviors from your DH after his Mom passed, but I don’t remember what exactly he was doing to upset you or how long it lasted. Anyway, I am curious about what you kind souls think about what my therapist said yesterday. Am I giving him too much grace, thinking it’s because he is grieving? FWIW, some things have been slowly improving, but we still have a long way to go, and my thought process has been to not rush him or insist that he come on with it, RIGHT NOW. I'd look at it...is he acting differently than he did before his parents passed/were sick, and if so can you talk to him about the changes. What if this is the new normal. Giving him grace is good, but is he trying to get back to that older version of himself? If not, it would be better to know sooner than later.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 17, 2024 13:20:34 GMT -5
I think it depends on how far apart you are in terms of energy and it's a really fine line to walk. If I were to have matched DH's energy on some things then I would have been checking out of our relationship. I expect my partner to be an adult especially when he is 10 years older than me. The idea that I need to come down to his level is bonkers to me and IMO smacks of Men are from Mars type sexism. No I am NOT going to parent a 50 year old adult. He can put on his big boy undies and nut up. Supporting him as he is grieving the loss of both parents and is struggling to function? Yes absolutely I will come down to his level because he needs that space to be able to focus on the really important stuff like doing his job.But I also expect him to grant me the same grace and he did. If he expected me to always match his energy and never come up to mine then we'd be divorcing. Yesterday my therapist put something on my mind because she said that I might be giving Mister too much grace by thinking the stuff with his parents is a big part of the reasons he is how he is right now regarding our relationship. I know he is still struggling, even though he doesn’t talk about it. Father’s Day was rough, it was his first without his Dad. His Mom’s birthday was yesterday. It still hasn’t even been a year since his Dad died. He said Monday and yesterday while driving, how his Dad would love his Mustang. Yesterday before we left, he was looking under the hood and took a picture and said “I wish I could send this to my Dad”. I didn’t have a relationship at all with my biological father when he died, so I haven’t experienced losing a parent I had a close relationship with. Never mind both within 7 months. And all the stress before and between their deaths to try to see about them and clean up their financial mess. That just seems like beyond a lot for anybody to go through, and he is the kind of person that tries to stuff emotions, which imo tends to make everything worse. Now when he was being mean, that was different and totally unacceptable to me. He’s not mean or negative anymore. Now we are kind of just here, living parallel lives in the same house. So I asked her how did what she said yesterday go along with what she was saying about a 5th grader and capacity in that joint session I told you all about. She said the capacity thing was a true deficiency, not a choice, and Mister is choosing to be the way he is in our relationship right now. So I was confused, because I’d taken it to mean that sometimes things can happen (like grief) that can temporarily lower a pers’s ability to function like normal in a relationship. I’m still confused lol. To me, saying a person is choosing to not function as well as normal when they are grieving, is similar to saying a person is choosing to not function well when they are depressed. I remember there were some unpleasant behaviors from your DH after his Mom passed, but I don’t remember what exactly he was doing to upset you or how long it lasted. Anyway, I am curious about what you kind souls think about what my therapist said yesterday. Am I giving him too much grace, thinking it’s because he is grieving? FWIW, some things have been slowly improving, but we still have a long way to go, and my thought process has been to not rush him or insist that he come on with it, RIGHT NOW. It's a fine line. DH treated me like shit was unacceptable and I in turn shouldn't treat him like shit. But the fact that my executive functioning was completely shot to hell was understandable and DH needed to step up and help carry the load. Same with now he's dealing with having lost both parents. I pick up stuff around the house without him having to ask so he can focus where he really needs to function like his job. Grieving did not entitle either one of us to use the other as a whipping post. Misplaced anger was understandable BUT we had every right to call each other out while doing it. Grieving does not mean you suddenly get a free pass to tromp all over someone's boundaries. It's been two years and antidepressants and I feel like I am just now getting my feet under me. I want to stress the antidepressants on my part because I was struggling BAD and starting to hurt my relationships and potentially lose my job. It was up to me to put on my big girl panties and seek out help. Which I did. DH admits that how he handled my mother dying was wrong. We had a very long discussion about it once I was in a better headspace. I extended some grace to him that this was a new situation for us neither one of us had any handbook on what to do though I am shocked how many people had to point out I was going to divorce him if he didn't shut up before he actually shut up. Some of this was also issues that have always been lurking there in our relationship, the death of our parents threw a spot light on them. Those issues aren't going away. They should have been addressed a LONG time ago but it was just easier to kick the can down the road. Until the day came when we finally reached the end and had no choice. I told DH that this is a cross roads in our marriage. We now have a choice on what direction we want to go in. The question is do we still intend and want to be on the same road together or has this highlighted it's time to part ways? We've stayed together though it has not been pretty. I will say this time around DH is dealing much better with his father's death than he did with his mother's. It is really overwhelming for him to have lost both parents BUT he is making an effort to not self destruct this time.
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Pink Cashmere
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Post by Pink Cashmere on Jul 17, 2024 13:33:37 GMT -5
Yesterday my therapist put something on my mind because she said that I might be giving Mister too much grace by thinking the stuff with his parents is a big part of the reasons he is how he is right now regarding our relationship. I know he is still struggling, even though he doesn’t talk about it. Father’s Day was rough, it was his first without his Dad. His Mom’s birthday was yesterday. It still hasn’t even been a year since his Dad died. He said Monday and yesterday while driving, how his Dad would love his Mustang. Yesterday before we left, he was looking under the hood and took a picture and said “I wish I could send this to my Dad”. I didn’t have a relationship at all with my biological father when he died, so I haven’t experienced losing a parent I had a close relationship with. Never mind both within 7 months. And all the stress before and between their deaths to try to see about them and clean up their financial mess. That just seems like beyond a lot for anybody to go through, and he is the kind of person that tries to stuff emotions, which imo tends to make everything worse. Now when he was being mean, that was different and totally unacceptable to me. He’s not mean or negative anymore. Now we are kind of just here, living parallel lives in the same house. So I asked her how did what she said yesterday go along with what she was saying about a 5th grader and capacity in that joint session I told you all about. She said the capacity thing was a true deficiency, not a choice, and Mister is choosing to be the way he is in our relationship right now. So I was confused, because I’d taken it to mean that sometimes things can happen (like grief) that can temporarily lower a pers’s ability to function like normal in a relationship. I’m still confused lol. To me, saying a person is choosing to not function as well as normal when they are grieving, is similar to saying a person is choosing to not function well when they are depressed. I remember there were some unpleasant behaviors from your DH after his Mom passed, but I don’t remember what exactly he was doing to upset you or how long it lasted. Anyway, I am curious about what you kind souls think about what my therapist said yesterday. Am I giving him too much grace, thinking it’s because he is grieving? FWIW, some things have been slowly improving, but we still have a long way to go, and my thought process has been to not rush him or insist that he come on with it, RIGHT NOW. I'd look at it...is he acting differently than he did before his parents passed/were sick, and if so can you talk to him about the changes. What if this is the new normal. Giving him grace is good, but is he trying to get back to that older version of himself? If not, it would be better to know sooner than later. Yes, he is acting differently than he did before his parents got sick and died. He keeps saying he is numb, and one time said do you really think I WANT to feel like this? But I also think it’s more comfortable to him to be numb than process his emotions, so it’s possible that he would prefer to just stay there (numb). But he also does often say on his own that he wants to get back to his “old self”, so I just don’t know what to think. Well I do think he needs to go back to individual counseling. He does go to couples counseling with me, so that’s better than nothing.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 17, 2024 13:44:39 GMT -5
I'd look at it...is he acting differently than he did before his parents passed/were sick, and if so can you talk to him about the changes. What if this is the new normal. Giving him grace is good, but is he trying to get back to that older version of himself? If not, it would be better to know sooner than later. Yes, he is acting differently than he did before his parents got sick and died. He keeps saying he is numb, and one time said do you really think I WANT to feel like this? But I also think it’s more comfortable to him to be numb than process his emotions, so it’s possible that he would prefer to just stay there (numb). But he also does often say on his own that he wants to get back to his “old self”, so I just don’t know what to think. Well I do think he needs to go back to individual counseling. He does go to couples counseling with me, so that’s better than nothing. But how long is "better than nothing" enough? As the say goes you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. You don't have to settle should Mister choose to not deal with his problems in a healthy manner. You can decide you don't want to go along for the ride. Most of Misters issues were there LONG before his parents died. Now he has an excuse to bury his head even further in the sand. Mister gets something out of being who he is. What it is IDK and he may not even know but whatever it is it is enough to not make the long term changes he needs to make to actually change things. Not everyone has the self awaerness or interest in doing the work needed to make actual long lasting change. You have every right to decide how much longer you want to wait for him.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Jul 17, 2024 13:47:32 GMT -5
DS insists on writing in cursive. His fifth grade teacher cheerily reported that it was “usually legible”, which I think probably requires a misspent career…he never spent any real time learning to do it properly, he just connects his letters however he feels like it. (Yes, I’ve tried to show him how/bought practice books/printed practice sheets.). He also changes the font to cursive or cursive-like when typing.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 17, 2024 13:48:47 GMT -5
I think it depends on how far apart you are in terms of energy and it's a really fine line to walk. If I were to have matched DH's energy on some things then I would have been checking out of our relationship. I expect my partner to be an adult especially when he is 10 years older than me. The idea that I need to come down to his level is bonkers to me and IMO smacks of Men are from Mars type sexism. No I am NOT going to parent a 50 year old adult. He can put on his big boy undies and nut up. Supporting him as he is grieving the loss of both parents and is struggling to function? Yes absolutely I will come down to his level because he needs that space to be able to focus on the really important stuff like doing his job.But I also expect him to grant me the same grace and he did. If he expected me to always match his energy and never come up to mine then we'd be divorcing. Yesterday my therapist put something on my mind because she said that I might be giving Mister too much grace by thinking the stuff with his parents is a big part of the reasons he is how he is right now regarding our relationship.I know he is still struggling, even though he doesn’t talk about it. Father’s Day was rough, it was his first without his Dad. His Mom’s birthday was yesterday. It still hasn’t even been a year since his Dad died. He said Monday and yesterday while driving, how his Dad would love his Mustang. Yesterday before we left, he was looking under the hood and took a picture and said “I wish I could send this to my Dad”. I didn’t have a relationship at all with my biological father when he died, so I haven’t experienced losing a parent I had a close relationship with. Never mind both within 7 months. And all the stress before and between their deaths to try to see about them and clean up their financial mess. That just seems like beyond a lot for anybody to go through, and he is the kind of person that tries to stuff emotions, which imo tends to make everything worse. Now when he was being mean, that was different and totally unacceptable to me. He’s not mean or negative anymore. Now we are kind of just here, living parallel lives in the same house. So I asked her how did what she said yesterday go along with what she was saying about a 5th grader and capacity in that joint session I told you all about. She said the capacity thing was a true deficiency, not a choice, and Mister is choosing to be the way he is in our relationship right now. So I was confused, because I’d taken it to mean that sometimes things can happen (like grief) that can temporarily lower a pers’s ability to function like normal in a relationship. I’m still confused lol. To me, saying a person is choosing to not function as well as normal when they are grieving, is similar to saying a person is choosing to not function well when they are depressed. I remember there were some unpleasant behaviors from your DH after his Mom passed, but I don’t remember what exactly he was doing to upset you or how long it lasted. Anyway, I am curious about what you kind souls think about what my therapist said yesterday. Am I giving him too much grace, thinking it’s because he is grieving? FWIW, some things have been slowly improving, but we still have a long way to go, and my thought process has been to not rush him or insist that he come on with it, RIGHT NOW. I think your therapist is wrong. There is no time frame for grief, particularly if you lose one parent and then the other within the year. Losing your parents like that can't help but to impact as to how you see your own mortality. My best guess is that Mister has backed off in caring simply because he cannot handle another loss, so it's easier to push you away with his actions. I think he's doing it to protect himself. It seems counterintuitive, but if he doesn't care too much he won't get as hurt if you leave.....even though his actions are driving you away. Add to this that you have had medical issues that are not resolved, and I'd guess that somewhere he thinks you have a problem that doctors haven't found yet and he can add you to his list of losses. I'm not sure how you resolve this. He has to be willing to see that he's doing this, and he needs to be able to make the changes that he needs, but he's taking the path of least resistance right now because it's easier for him. FWIW, I still bawl like a baby when I hear certain music that my dad adored. It's been 9 years. I still get a heavy heart when I see one of my mom's favorite movies come up on the TV screen, and it's been 28 years.
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lurkyloo
Junior Associate
“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 11:26:56 GMT -5
Posts: 5,998
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Post by lurkyloo on Jul 17, 2024 13:51:59 GMT -5
DH has way more energy than I do. I do what I can, and a lot of it is effective and also complementary to what he does. But at the end of the day I can’t keep up with his energy level long term and have significant physical backlash (migraines etc) if I try, even medium term.
Then again, DH is a certified freak of nature.
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andi9899
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 6, 2011 10:22:29 GMT -5
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 17, 2024 13:53:58 GMT -5
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 17, 2024 13:54:26 GMT -5
I have made progress on filling in this trip to Ireland. I've got just about everything booked, a few more hotels, a car rental and a flight and I'll be done. Right now, all the reservations I have made have exceeded everything we did on the world cruise.....and we are only going to be gone a month! Of course, TD's been absolutely no help to me here. I ask his opinion and I get 'whatever you think is best'. Grrrrrr........
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 17, 2024 14:00:07 GMT -5
This one looks like it doesn't need too much done to it. There's something to be said for that.
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wvugurl26
Distinguished Associate
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Post by wvugurl26 on Jul 17, 2024 14:01:17 GMT -5
I loathe the whatever you think is best in regards to planning. Usually because months down the road when the trip occurs, he does have a opinion and it's contrary to what I've selected.
I looked closer at the Keurig water reservoir and the bottom where the water exits is covered by a fine mesh. I'm guessing that was packed full last night and allowing the descaling solution to sit overnight broke it up. I couldn't tell last night because it's at the very bottom and my hand doesn't fit all the way down.
I will definitely be descaling more often. I would have thought that $50 GE filter was doing something....
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andi9899
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 6, 2011 10:22:29 GMT -5
Posts: 31,249
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 17, 2024 14:03:48 GMT -5
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raeoflyte
Senior Associate
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 17, 2024 14:05:29 GMT -5
DH has way more energy than I do. I do what I can, and a lot of it is effective and also complementary to what he does. But at the end of the day I can’t keep up with his energy level long term and have significant physical backlash (migraines etc) if I try, even medium term. Then again, DH is a certified freak of nature. You handle a lot. Mental load, kid load, kick ass job on bare minimum days. I know we only see what we each put out for each other, but your low energy seems like more than enough.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 17, 2024 14:12:35 GMT -5
There is definitely pre parent death marriage and post parent death marriage. We are still trying to figure out what post parent death marriage looks like.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on Jul 17, 2024 14:13:18 GMT -5
Property taxes aren't bad either and I love the backyard. It does look like you have to go through the garage to get to the basement though, which is kind of sucky. No deck or access to the backyard from the main level without going through the garage either, but it looks like it would be really easy to put in a patio door and build a deck off that dining room in back.
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raeoflyte
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 15:43:53 GMT -5
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 17, 2024 14:15:18 GMT -5
I'd look at it...is he acting differently than he did before his parents passed/were sick, and if so can you talk to him about the changes. What if this is the new normal. Giving him grace is good, but is he trying to get back to that older version of himself? If not, it would be better to know sooner than later. Yes, he is acting differently than he did before his parents got sick and died. He keeps saying he is numb, and one time said do you really think I WANT to feel like this? But I also think it’s more comfortable to him to be numb than process his emotions, so it’s possible that he would prefer to just stay there (numb). But he also does often say on his own that he wants to get back to his “old self”, so I just don’t know what to think. Well I do think he needs to go back to individual counseling. He does go to couples counseling with me, so that’s better than nothing. Of course he doesn't want to feel numb, but that doesn't mean he should be expecting you to compensate long term. Even if he doesn't know what long term is, it's important for me that people acknowledge impact over intent and if they really acknowledge it, they won't keep doing the same things. They'll try something different. It doesn't mean that he should be over grieving. For a lot of people that is going to last forever in some ways, so they have to let their partner in so they can be a part of that.
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