what are you doing right now?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Jan 8, 2024 18:04:24 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jan 8, 2024 17:22:24 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Pink, in my personal experience, both my birthday, my parents' birthdays and Christmas are very difficult.  It's been almost 10 years since my mom died.  

I do know the first year was by far the hardest.  

My dad always called and sang happy birthday.  My sister and I made sure he did it on each of our birthdays.  So he sang to me two months before he died.  I so wish I had recorded it, even though he no longer knew the words.  

Is he open to a grief support group.  He has so much grief to deal with and I did find them to be supportive.

ETA:  I thing Mich and Drama said it better than I did.  It's not you.  It's him and all of his emotions.

I hope I don’t come across as insensitive, because I really do get it about the grieving part, and days that make it even harder. I do. My Mom is still alive, my biological father is deceased, but we never had a relationship, so I haven’t experienced it firsthand, but I can imagine how hard it is. I have a ton of compassion for him because of that, and that’s the only reason I haven’t punched him in his throat.

But he could just say, “Baby, I am really struggling” or something like that, instead of just acting an ass and being hurtful toward me. When I know he’s being weird because of grief, I cruise through and ask if he needs anything, if he wants me to sit with him or whatever, and make myself scarce if he doesn’t want to be bothered. I don’t get upset with him when I know he’s having those moments.

So just say something, instead of holding it all in and taking shit out on me that doesn’t really have anything to do with me. I know I’m not perfect, and I can take it with grace if he has a genuine issue with me that needs to be addressed. But don’t just make shit up…..  I’m not here for all of this other asshole shit.

He has a therapist, but lately he only makes appointments when I start bugging him about it. I seriously doubt he would do a grief support group. And even if he did, he would be the oddball just sitting there and not participating.

You're not insensitive.

He's choosing to implode instead of getting or asking for help.

Same as my DH did when his mom died.

I very much understand but notice I picked myself up and kept going. I got therapy I went on antidepressants.

I'll never be what I was before but I've been doing my best to adjust to my new normal.

My DH is an adult. So is Mister. They can choose how they want to respond but like you I wasn't going to be drug down with him or allow him to use me as a scapegoat.

It's taken us over a year since his mom died and we're still dealing with the after math.

Things are better-ish after multiple people warned him if he didn't at least pull his head half way out his ass I'd divorce him but we still have a ways to go.

I wouldn't begrudge anyone who chose different than me and honestly while I love DH dearly if we weren't married with kids I'd probably have been much less willing to work it out even with a 20 year history.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Jan 8, 2024 18:04:24 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jan 8, 2024 17:22:24 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Pink, in my personal experience, both my birthday, my parents' birthdays and Christmas are very difficult.  It's been almost 10 years since my mom died.  

I do know the first year was by far the hardest.  

My dad always called and sang happy birthday.  My sister and I made sure he did it on each of our birthdays.  So he sang to me two months before he died.  I so wish I had recorded it, even though he no longer knew the words.  

Is he open to a grief support group.  He has so much grief to deal with and I did find them to be supportive.

ETA:  I thing Mich and Drama said it better than I did.  It's not you.  It's him and all of his emotions.

I hope I don’t come across as insensitive, because I really do get it about the grieving part, and days that make it even harder. I do. My Mom is still alive, my biological father is deceased, but we never had a relationship, so I haven’t experienced it firsthand, but I can imagine how hard it is. I have a ton of compassion for him because of that, and that’s the only reason I haven’t punched him in his throat.

But he could just say, “Baby, I am really struggling” or something like that, instead of just acting an ass and being hurtful toward me. When I know he’s being weird because of grief, I cruise through and ask if he needs anything, if he wants me to sit with him or whatever, and make myself scarce if he doesn’t want to be bothered. I don’t get upset with him when I know he’s having those moments.

So just say something, instead of holding it all in and taking shit out on me that doesn’t really have anything to do with me. I know I’m not perfect, and I can take it with grace if he has a genuine issue with me that needs to be addressed. But don’t just make shit up…..  I’m not here for all of this other asshole shit.

He has a therapist, but lately he only makes appointments when I start bugging him about it. I seriously doubt he would do a grief support group. And even if he did, he would be the oddball just sitting there and not participating.

Have you thought about calling him on it when he's being an ass towards you.  I'm talking about calling him on it at that time.  Ask him, 'did you really mean to call me a gold digger?' or whatever he says.  If he's just nasty, I'd probably ask him 'is it really necessary to be so hurtful to me?  I'm not your punching bag.'  Maybe if he gets these messages frequently, he'll start realizing what he's doing to the people around him.  You've let it slide because you know he's hurting.  Only problem is that he's hurting you too, and it's just because?  Misery loves company?  Because you're convenient?  

[giramomma]

Jan 8, 2024 17:16:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Jan 8, 2024 13:15:07 GMT -5 giramomma said:

We have to exude positivity publicly in our workplace. As per one of higher ups, no one likes negativity in the workplace. 

Do you interact with the public?  If not, as long as you are pleasant to your co-workers, who cares. 


The more of this stuff I see, the happier I am that I am no longer in the workplace 

My job is a "service" job and I do have customers that I must build relationships with. I do a fine job of it. 

When we meet potential new hires, I am literally trotted out to speak of how great our workplace is.

When our net income is 6% of what it should be in one area of our business (yes, you read that right 6% I did the math earlier today), we are supposed to just smile and nod, and put the blame on the scapegoat. Even though the scapegoat only contributed about 30% to that 6% net income. We are not to publicly question the party who is 70% at fault for the net income reduction.

I have been tested/watched so many times. It's not funny. 

[countrygirl2]

I don't understand I guess. I loved my folks but my dad got killed instantly so no long mourning, it was over. And mom was old and so sick her quality of life was not good at all. I just accept death, it is part of living. Of course, I missed them, but it was over and the rest of us need to go on. That may make me sound insensitive but just me. Now if something happens to my kids or hubs I will likely feel differently but I can't say. I know it is inevitable and final, so just try to do the best I can for everyone while alive.

It's just like hubs and I now, lot of people don't understand us, we talk everyday and are on the same page. I guess it works for us. It's just like when I moved to Texas, took him 2 years to get his butt in gear and accept it, best thing we ever did for him. He enjoyed the jobs he had through the years. It would be the same here. Little guy even asked him yesterday, grandpa why don't you want to come up here with all of us? Not much of an answer, I don't get it either. We have one time to live this and enjoy our family, it won't come round again. He doesn't even talk to anyone down there and only goes to the grocery and pharmacy?? Oh well, what can I say.

And Walk, yep, hubs is the same way, you have to pick the right time to say something to him, then he comes around. However for this stove not costing anymore than it did I took it upon myself to just get it.

Pink, I really think you and Mister don't talk to each other. You both seem to kind of keep it all in to yourselves. Sometimes that builds up worse and worse. Can't one of you tell the other how much you love them? Can't you just tell mister you are not a gold digger, that you had a tough time with money by being off so much. Of course, he should realize this but you do realize you are dealing with a man, you have to explain everything to them.

I don't know, my life is not perfect and I'm far from perfect, we just wade out way through life I guess, but we are still together.

And for you getting written up about not smiling. I was ALWAYS written up for that. I was in accounting, who gives a crap if I smile while running a calculator, but oh yeah it always came up. I told them it was just the way my mouth curved and it is. Even DD asks me at times if I'm mad, sorry folks. Being retired I don't have to deal with that shit anymore. Sorry you guys are too.

Ok, banana  bread came out good, I added some milk to make it more moist, now I'm trying chocolate chip cookies for DD and grandson, hope it adjusted right again.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jan 8, 2024 18:14:26 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Jan 8, 2024 18:04:24 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I hope I don’t come across as insensitive, because I really do get it about the grieving part, and days that make it even harder. I do. My Mom is still alive, my biological father is deceased, but we never had a relationship, so I haven’t experienced it firsthand, but I can imagine how hard it is. I have a ton of compassion for him because of that, and that’s the only reason I haven’t punched him in his throat.

But he could just say, “Baby, I am really struggling” or something like that, instead of just acting an ass and being hurtful toward me. When I know he’s being weird because of grief, I cruise through and ask if he needs anything, if he wants me to sit with him or whatever, and make myself scarce if he doesn’t want to be bothered. I don’t get upset with him when I know he’s having those moments.

So just say something, instead of holding it all in and taking shit out on me that doesn’t really have anything to do with me. I know I’m not perfect, and I can take it with grace if he has a genuine issue with me that needs to be addressed. But don’t just make shit up…..  I’m not here for all of this other asshole shit.

He has a therapist, but lately he only makes appointments when I start bugging him about it. I seriously doubt he would do a grief support group. And even if he did, he would be the oddball just sitting there and not participating.

Not that it excuses them, but I do wonder if your therapist was pushing couples counseling bc they could tell Mister was the one who desperately needed therapy.

Hugs.  It sucks living the cold war.  At some point one side needs to offer an olive branch but-this is key-the other side has to accept it and not just respond with a flamethrower.  

That might be why she keeps bringing it up, idk.

Still, and I might be wrong since she said she wants me to be able to walk and chew gum at the same time, I am not in a good place as an individual and I am not willing to sacrifice my own well being trying to save the relationship while I am drowning. 

I don’t know, I still love Mister and want to be with him, but because of my health issues that are caused by or aggravated by stress, I am now more worried about me than anybody and anything else. If things are so far gone that just the suggestion of couples counseling means my body immediately reacts, when it’s usually more of a slow boil or a delayed reaction, I’m not willing to make that my focus over learning how to take better care of myself and protect myself from other people and their bullshit, even if I love them dearly.

If I change, it will force change in my close relationships, whatever that looks like, and whether it improves the relationships or ends them. My Mom is fond of saying “stress kills”, and I believe it’s true, even though she didn’t mind stressing me the fuck out even as she said that. I don’t want to die early because of stress.

I’m not saying I’m right on the couples counseling, I’m just saying that’s where my head is right now.

[Opti]

Jan 8, 2024 18:46:58 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jan 8, 2024 17:16:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Do you interact with the public?  If not, as long as you are pleasant to your co-workers, who cares. 


The more of this stuff I see, the happier I am that I am no longer in the workplace 

My job is a "service" job and I do have customers that I must build relationships with. I do a fine job of it. 

When we meet potential new hires, I am literally trotted out to speak of how great our workplace is.

When our net income is 6% of what it should be in one area of our business (yes, you read that right 6% I did the math earlier today), we are supposed to just smile and nod, and put the blame on the scapegoat. Even though the scapegoat only contributed about 30% to that 6% net income. We are not to publicly question the party who is 70% at fault for the net income reduction.

I have been tested/watched so many times. It's not funny. 

That sucks.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I'm considered customer facing as well since I receive submissions.

Thing is the people who are considered our customers consider me to be one of the easiest and welcoming people in the lab according to my person on the inside. He said nobody has anything negative to say about me.

But it doesn't matter because my manager has her own opinion on what constitutes proper customer service and I'm not it.

[Opti]

Jan 8, 2024 17:39:57 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Oh, and he has decided he’s buying him a Mustang. He’s been talking about it for a couple of weeks. Today I asked him if he was serious and he said yes. He already knows which one he wants, he just has to find it.

When he first started talking about it, he said he didn’t think it was something we should have a conversation about since he’s the one that would be paying for it. I said that I’ve always been clear about him having whatever he wants, but I also thought that partners talked about large purchases like that, instead of just doing it. He said he didn’t think that was necessary, since he’s the one that would be paying for it. 

So today I asked him where he’s going to park it. He said in the garage, he’ll put his Honda in the driveway (with the other THREE vehicles in the driveway). I said where is my car suppose to go? Both Honda’s just barely fit in the garage together, you can’t even walk between either car and the wall next to it. That is why I back mine in. For somebody to get in on the passenger side of either car, we have to pull it out of the garage into the driveway. I am guessing that a Mustang is bigger than his car. He said I don’t drive my car much anyway, it can go in the driveway too. NO SIR!

I think it is a terrible decision to spend $50-60k on a car right now, for a few reasons. But he is Mr. Moneybags that will be paying for it, and I’m just some gold digger, so WTF do I know.

Sorry. Tell him your car needs to stay in the garage and the others moved around. I wish you both weren't so delicate with each other and just said things straight out. I would let him know that I think he is not addressing his grief and its coming out in ways that might be a problem. Him buying the car might not necessarily bad, but him buying it and focusing on things and not his feelings is. You don't know what stupid stuff his coworkers or others are putting in his ears. Grief makes people process thoughts and emotions badly. 

I would have to put up some guardrails instead of watching him crash and burn. He still might crash and burn, but you are wiser emotionally about grief than he is. And I wish you would ask if he thinks you are a gold digger instead of assuming that's where his heads at. Some of the things he has done suggests to me he is wondering how he would live without you. That perhaps part of his grieving mind thinks you must be the next one to leave him. If you think of grief brain like pregnancy brain its possible the laundry thing happened simply because he was in an impulsive moment where all he saw and experienced was directly in front of him. I need x clothes clean. Look, the detergent I am using looks low. Maybe I should get some more now. 

I have done some painfully stupid things when sleeping less than 4 hours a night for multiple nights. Not all of my brain is online and functioning then so stupid things happen. Over the years I have built guard rails for myself to limit the damage, but that takes awareness and practice. I agree a grief support group for him would be good if he would do it. Or a mens group. Something.

I wish you luck and remember this is what I think and how I might handle it. It might be horribly wrong for your situation, so I am OK with you ignoring some or all of my post.

[Opti]

Jan 8, 2024 19:05:13 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I'm considered customer facing as well since I receive submissions.

Thing is the people who are considered our customers consider me to be one of the easiest and welcoming people in the lab according to my person on the inside. He said nobody has anything negative to say about me.

But it doesn't matter because my manager has her own opinion on what constitutes proper customer service and I'm not it.

It should matter, but bad bosses boss badly. 

[Pink Cashmere]

Jan 8, 2024 18:39:27 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Jan 8, 2024 18:04:24 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I hope I don’t come across as insensitive, because I really do get it about the grieving part, and days that make it even harder. I do. My Mom is still alive, my biological father is deceased, but we never had a relationship, so I haven’t experienced it firsthand, but I can imagine how hard it is. I have a ton of compassion for him because of that, and that’s the only reason I haven’t punched him in his throat.

But he could just say, “Baby, I am really struggling” or something like that, instead of just acting an ass and being hurtful toward me. When I know he’s being weird because of grief, I cruise through and ask if he needs anything, if he wants me to sit with him or whatever, and make myself scarce if he doesn’t want to be bothered. I don’t get upset with him when I know he’s having those moments.

So just say something, instead of holding it all in and taking shit out on me that doesn’t really have anything to do with me. I know I’m not perfect, and I can take it with grace if he has a genuine issue with me that needs to be addressed. But don’t just make shit up…..  I’m not here for all of this other asshole shit.

He has a therapist, but lately he only makes appointments when I start bugging him about it. I seriously doubt he would do a grief support group. And even if he did, he would be the oddball just sitting there and not participating.

Have you thought about calling him on it when he's being an ass towards you.  I'm talking about calling him on it at that time.  Ask him, 'did you really mean to call me a gold digger?' or whatever he says.  If he's just nasty, I'd probably ask him 'is it really necessary to be so hurtful to me?  I'm not your punching bag.'  Maybe if he gets these messages frequently, he'll start realizing what he's doing to the people around him.  You've let it slide because you know he's hurting.  Only problem is that he's hurting you too, and it's just because?  Misery loves company?  Because you're convenient?  

Yes, I have called it him out on it.

A few days ago, when he picked up the groceries he ordered the night that YD was yelling about food, when he got home and was setting the first round of bags down, I went got all the bags left in the trunk of his car and closed the trunk. When I was headed to the door, he was coming back out and reached for the bags I had. I said “I got the bags, just pick up the heater.” He’d knocked over the space heater in the garage when he went inside. Somehow, what I said was wrong, and he got irritated.

I said to him, I had all the rest of the groceries, how was me saying I got the bags, just stand the heater back up, me being negative? Why do you perceive everything I say, as something negative or criticism? 

He didn’t know what to say. And I felt like I should’ve just kept sitting on my ass, and minding my own business, instead of trying to be helpful by helping bring the groceries inside. Sit on my ass, like the person he bought them for, did. I don’t do shit anyway, let him tell it, so why not just really not do shit?

So I do speak up and call him on his shit in the moment. Not all the time, because I am beyond tired of fighting with him, but often. But even when I do, it’s still somehow my fault or he just doesn’t know what to say because he can’t think of a way to make me be the bad person. Or he’ll use his other tactic “I’m sorry. I fucked up again” and walk off, which is yet another way of trying to make me the bad guy and avoid dealing with his behavior toward me. And calling him out in the moment just confirms his other idea, that all I do is complain.

It’s crazy.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Jan 8, 2024 17:39:57 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Oh, and he has decided he’s buying him a Mustang. He’s been talking about it for a couple of weeks. Today I asked him if he was serious and he said yes. He already knows which one he wants, he just has to find it.

Is it a Mach-E? I freaking love those things. 😍 But, yeah, would definitely not get one with 3 cars already that don't have a garage spot. That seems a bit ridiculous.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jan 8, 2024 19:16:58 GMT -5 Opti said:

Jan 8, 2024 17:39:57 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Oh, and he has decided he’s buying him a Mustang. He’s been talking about it for a couple of weeks. Today I asked him if he was serious and he said yes. He already knows which one he wants, he just has to find it.

When he first started talking about it, he said he didn’t think it was something we should have a conversation about since he’s the one that would be paying for it. I said that I’ve always been clear about him having whatever he wants, but I also thought that partners talked about large purchases like that, instead of just doing it. He said he didn’t think that was necessary, since he’s the one that would be paying for it. 

So today I asked him where he’s going to park it. He said in the garage, he’ll put his Honda in the driveway (with the other THREE vehicles in the driveway). I said where is my car suppose to go? Both Honda’s just barely fit in the garage together, you can’t even walk between either car and the wall next to it. That is why I back mine in. For somebody to get in on the passenger side of either car, we have to pull it out of the garage into the driveway. I am guessing that a Mustang is bigger than his car. He said I don’t drive my car much anyway, it can go in the driveway too. NO SIR!

I think it is a terrible decision to spend $50-60k on a car right now, for a few reasons. But he is Mr. Moneybags that will be paying for it, and I’m just some gold digger, so WTF do I know.

Sorry. Tell him your car needs to stay in the garage and the others moved around. I wish you both weren't so delicate with each other and just said things straight out. I would let him know that I think he is not addressing his grief and its coming out in ways that might be a problem. Him buying the car might not necessarily bad, but him buying it and focusing on things and not his feelings is. You don't know what stupid stuff his coworkers or others are putting in his ears. Grief makes people process thoughts and emotions badly. 

I would have to put up some guardrails instead of watching him crash and burn. He still might crash and burn, but you are wiser emotionally about grief than he is. And I wish you would ask if he thinks you are a gold digger instead of assuming that's where his heads at. Some of the things he has done suggests to me he is wondering how he would live without you. That perhaps part of his grieving mind thinks you must be the next one to leave him. If you think of grief brain like pregnancy brain its possible the laundry thing happened simply because he was in an impulsive moment where all he saw and experienced was directly in front of him. I need x clothes clean. Look, the detergent I am using looks low. Maybe I should get some more now. 

I have done some painfully stupid things when sleeping less than 4 hours a night for multiple nights. Not all of my brain is online and functioning then so stupid things happen. Over the years I have built guard rails for myself to limit the damage, but that takes awareness and practice. I agree a grief support group for him would be good if he would do it. Or a mens group. Something.

I wish you luck and remember this is what I think and how I might handle it. It might be horribly wrong for your situation, so I am OK with you ignoring some or all of my post.

Him spending that much money on a toy like that right now is definitely a bad decision, for reasons I won’t get into right now. Except to say that even though it’s not as hot of a commodity as the vehicles the T’s had, it will still be a magnet for thieves, and car thefts and carjackings are a real problem in the city we work in, and the area we live in. 

I don’t have to ask if he really thinks I’m a gold digger. He hasn’t used the term “gold digger”, but he has been very clear that he thinks I am using him for money. He has said more than once that me missing so much work (and not making money) because of my stomach issues, was just because I made it a habit of not going to work. Excuse me sir, but Idk how I can lift and carry heavy shit when my stomach hurts so bad that I’m rolling around in the bed crying, or literally crawling to the bathroom because I can’t stand up straight. I’d also prefer not to risk shitting on myself when I’m having issues that mean that sometimes I barely make it out of bed to the en suite bathroom in time. It also won’t do me any good and would piss my coworkers and bosses off, if even if I do manage to make it to the closest bathroom that’s almost half a city block from my work area, and may or may not be closed for use, I spend my whole workday running (literally) to the bathroom. 

As much as I dislike my job, I’d rather be able to work like a normal person than have those issues. I have other issues and aches and pains, and go to work anyway. But when my stomach acts a fool, that is simply not a situation I can try to just work through. Maybe if I worked sitting down, like at a desk, with a restroom very close, I could try it, but that is not how my job is set up. And even with that, a restroom I’d share with coworkers, would be embarrassing to use with everything that goes on, on those days. As it is, when I am having issues and he is at home, I try to use a bathroom on the opposite end of the house than where he is, and I am glad that the toilet in our en suite bathroom is behind another door within the bathroom. 

He lives with me, he has to know I’m not making that up. He’s seen me crying about my stomach hurting so bad. He knows I’m greedy and how much I love to eat, and can eat in one sitting. He knows I’ve gone days without eating anything at all, and still don’t eat like I use to. He knows I lost a lot of weight all of a sudden when I stopped eating. It’s obvious, and nothing something someone that knows me would have to look for to notice. Several of my coworkers have even commented on how much weight I’ve lost, even if they didn’t know me well enough to speak on it. He talked to the nurse at the stupid GI doctor’s office one day when I was looking pitiful about how they had basically ghosted me and I didn’t know what to do, so he knows I wasn’t lying about any of that either. He knows that when I got depressed about all of it, I found a therapist to try to help me. That one wasn’t really helpful, so I started going to EAP through my job, just to be able to prove I was using one of their resources for help, while I tried to find another therapist that could really help me. And he knows that I found one and have been keeping my appointments and working with her on the mental and emotional shit, that also happens to be related to trying to keep my stomach under control. And that has become complicated by shit with him stressing me out too.

What I haven’t said to him, is that I don’t think it’s coincidence that as shit ramped up and got worse with his parents, so did my stomach issues. In hindsight, it’s absolutely true that the timing of both things coincided. I don’t say that to blame anyone for my issues, I’m just saying what the timing was. As their situation got worse and he got more and more stressed out, my stomach issues became more constant. But I dare not even allude to that, because I might have to fight him for real, because he would take it as me blaming his parents and him for my stomach issues. When really, if it is even connected at all, it just means that it was all stressful for me too, and my body was already dangling off a cliff, in regards to stress and how I handle it.

Anyway, I just don’t see how in his mind, that all adds up to him thinking and saying that I just don’t want to go to work, and I’m using him. 

[raeoflyte]

Jan 8, 2024 19:21:11 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jan 8, 2024 18:39:27 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Have you thought about calling him on it when he's being an ass towards you.  I'm talking about calling him on it at that time.  Ask him, 'did you really mean to call me a gold digger?' or whatever he says.  If he's just nasty, I'd probably ask him 'is it really necessary to be so hurtful to me?  I'm not your punching bag.'  Maybe if he gets these messages frequently, he'll start realizing what he's doing to the people around him.  You've let it slide because you know he's hurting.  Only problem is that he's hurting you too, and it's just because?  Misery loves company?  Because you're convenient?  

Yes, I have called it him out on it.

A few days ago, when he picked up the groceries he ordered the night that YD was yelling about food, when he got home and was setting the first round of bags down, I went got all the bags left in the trunk of his car and closed the trunk. When I was headed to the door, he was coming back out and reached for the bags I had. I said “I got the bags, just pick up the heater.” He’d knocked over the space heater in the garage when he went inside. Somehow, what I said was wrong, and he got irritated.

I said to him, I had all the rest of the groceries, how was me saying I got the bags, just stand the heater back up, me being negative? Why do you perceive everything I say, as something negative or criticism? 

He didn’t know what to say. And I felt like I should’ve just kept sitting on my ass, and minding my own business, instead of trying to be helpful by helping bring the groceries inside. Sit on my ass, like the person he bought them for, did. I don’t do shit anyway, let him tell it, so why not just really not do shit?

So I do speak up and call him on his shit in the moment. Not all the time, because I am beyond tired of fighting with him, but often. But even when I do, it’s still somehow my fault or he just doesn’t know what to say because he can’t think of a way to make me be the bad person. Or he’ll use his other tactic “I’m sorry. I fucked up again” and walk off, which is yet another way of trying to make me the bad guy and avoid dealing with his behavior toward me. And calling him out in the moment just confirms his other idea, that all I do is complain.

It’s crazy.

I've been really struggling with dh's "I can't/shouldn't say/do anything" crap and I'm definitely bringing it up with the therapist. It's manipulative because he's playing the woe is me card but isn't trying to understand why I'm frustrated or upset. And then doesn't understand why I don't feel like I can be emotionally safe with him.

Sorry. Just finally putting words to feelings I've been struggling with.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jan 8, 2024 19:24:07 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Jan 8, 2024 17:39:57 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Oh, and he has decided he’s buying him a Mustang. He’s been talking about it for a couple of weeks. Today I asked him if he was serious and he said yes. He already knows which one he wants, he just has to find it.

Is it a Mach-E? I freaking love those things. 😍 But, yeah, would definitely not get one with 3 cars already that don't have a garage spot. That seems a bit ridiculous.

I don’t know which one it is. It seems to be the one below the top of the line. I was so outdone that I didn’t pay attention to the names of the versions he was mentioning.

I think it’s ridiculous too, to add yet another vehicle to what already looks like a small car lot.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jan 8, 2024 20:15:43 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Jan 8, 2024 19:21:11 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Yes, I have called it him out on it.

A few days ago, when he picked up the groceries he ordered the night that YD was yelling about food, when he got home and was setting the first round of bags down, I went got all the bags left in the trunk of his car and closed the trunk. When I was headed to the door, he was coming back out and reached for the bags I had. I said “I got the bags, just pick up the heater.” He’d knocked over the space heater in the garage when he went inside. Somehow, what I said was wrong, and he got irritated.

I said to him, I had all the rest of the groceries, how was me saying I got the bags, just stand the heater back up, me being negative? Why do you perceive everything I say, as something negative or criticism? 

He didn’t know what to say. And I felt like I should’ve just kept sitting on my ass, and minding my own business, instead of trying to be helpful by helping bring the groceries inside. Sit on my ass, like the person he bought them for, did. I don’t do shit anyway, let him tell it, so why not just really not do shit?

So I do speak up and call him on his shit in the moment. Not all the time, because I am beyond tired of fighting with him, but often. But even when I do, it’s still somehow my fault or he just doesn’t know what to say because he can’t think of a way to make me be the bad person. Or he’ll use his other tactic “I’m sorry. I fucked up again” and walk off, which is yet another way of trying to make me the bad guy and avoid dealing with his behavior toward me. And calling him out in the moment just confirms his other idea, that all I do is complain.

It’s crazy.

I've been really struggling with dh's "I can't/shouldn't say/do anything" crap and I'm definitely bringing it up with the therapist. It's manipulative because he's playing the woe is me card but isn't trying to understand why I'm frustrated or upset. And then doesn't understand why I don't feel like I can be emotionally safe with him.

Sorry. Just finally putting words to feelings I've been struggling with.

No apology necessary. I am glad that you are able to start putting words to feelings you’ve been struggling with. And I sincerely hope that the therapist is able to work effectively with you and your DH to sort some things out and start making things better.

[chiver78]

biting my tongue and ignoring a text from my sister, after she bit my head off on a call earlier. she's driving out to hang out at the hospital with Mom tomorrow morning while Dad gets his pacemaker put in. so I'm choosing to think she's stressing about that and not being her normal self that flips out when people respond to what she says vs what she means. 🙄

tomorrow, Punk goes to daycare solo. and I'll be speaking more about the boarding policies while updating them on LD's latest xrays and such. honestly, if I'd know everything was gonna blow up at the same time, I'd never have booked the cruise in a couple weeks. 🤦‍♀️ I know it's all gonna work out, and I'll absolutely appreciate the unplug once I'm there. but shit, getting it all together. whoooo.....

ETA - for those of you I'm linked to on FB, please don't ask about my Dad over there on the post I put up tonight. I included LD in a pic on purpose, to be deliberately vague while asking for good mojo. his four older sisters are all on FB and completely in the dark about this thing I only found out about recently myself. TIA.

[alabamagal]

Excited that my brother is coming for a visit in April for the solar eclipse. We are about 90 minutes from the eclipses zone. He said there will be 3 visiting, hopefully will be him and his 2 teenagers and evil sister-in-law is staying home.

[soupandstew]

Jan 8, 2024 19:21:11 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jan 8, 2024 18:39:27 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Have you thought about calling him on it when he's being an ass towards you.  I'm talking about calling him on it at that time.  Ask him, 'did you really mean to call me a gold digger?' or whatever he says.  If he's just nasty, I'd probably ask him 'is it really necessary to be so hurtful to me?  I'm not your punching bag.'  Maybe if he gets these messages frequently, he'll start realizing what he's doing to the people around him.  You've let it slide because you know he's hurting.  Only problem is that he's hurting you too, and it's just because?  Misery loves company?  Because you're convenient?  

Yes, I have called it him out on it.

A few days ago, when he picked up the groceries he ordered the night that YD was yelling about food, when he got home and was setting the first round of bags down, I went got all the bags left in the trunk of his car and closed the trunk. When I was headed to the door, he was coming back out and reached for the bags I had. I said “I got the bags, just pick up the heater.” He’d knocked over the space heater in the garage when he went inside. Somehow, what I said was wrong, and he got irritated.

I said to him, I had all the rest of the groceries, how was me saying I got the bags, just stand the heater back up, me being negative? Why do you perceive everything I say, as something negative or criticism? 

He didn’t know what to say. And I felt like I should’ve just kept sitting on my ass, and minding my own business, instead of trying to be helpful by helping bring the groceries inside. Sit on my ass, like the person he bought them for, did. I don’t do shit anyway, let him tell it, so why not just really not do shit?

So I do speak up and call him on his shit in the moment. Not all the time, because I am beyond tired of fighting with him, but often. But even when I do, it’s still somehow my fault or he just doesn’t know what to say because he can’t think of a way to make me be the bad person. Or he’ll use his other tactic “I’m sorry. I fucked up again” and walk off, which is yet another way of trying to make me the bad guy and avoid dealing with his behavior toward me. And calling him out in the moment just confirms his other idea, that all I do is complain.

It’s crazy.

This really resonates with me - this is exactly how DH acts when I try to call him out for his shit.  If just once, just one little tiny time, he would look at me and admit he was wrong, it would truly mean the world.  It's really special when he just looks at me and says, "what do you want me to do?", throwing it all back on me.  I'm beyond tired of trying to avoid saying something, some way that sets him off.  If I ask him flat out what it was I said, he starts up with, "It's your tone, it's your attitude".  Living life in a room full of eggshells is exhausting.  

[soupandstew]

Jan 8, 2024 20:15:43 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Jan 8, 2024 19:21:11 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Yes, I have called it him out on it.

A few days ago, when he picked up the groceries he ordered the night that YD was yelling about food, when he got home and was setting the first round of bags down, I went got all the bags left in the trunk of his car and closed the trunk. When I was headed to the door, he was coming back out and reached for the bags I had. I said “I got the bags, just pick up the heater.” He’d knocked over the space heater in the garage when he went inside. Somehow, what I said was wrong, and he got irritated.

I said to him, I had all the rest of the groceries, how was me saying I got the bags, just stand the heater back up, me being negative? Why do you perceive everything I say, as something negative or criticism? 

He didn’t know what to say. And I felt like I should’ve just kept sitting on my ass, and minding my own business, instead of trying to be helpful by helping bring the groceries inside. Sit on my ass, like the person he bought them for, did. I don’t do shit anyway, let him tell it, so why not just really not do shit?

So I do speak up and call him on his shit in the moment. Not all the time, because I am beyond tired of fighting with him, but often. But even when I do, it’s still somehow my fault or he just doesn’t know what to say because he can’t think of a way to make me be the bad person. Or he’ll use his other tactic “I’m sorry. I fucked up again” and walk off, which is yet another way of trying to make me the bad guy and avoid dealing with his behavior toward me. And calling him out in the moment just confirms his other idea, that all I do is complain.

It’s crazy.

I've been really struggling with dh's "I can't/shouldn't say/do anything" crap and I'm definitely bringing it up with the therapist. It's manipulative because he's playing the woe is me card but isn't trying to understand why I'm frustrated or upset. And then doesn't understand why I don't feel like I can be emotionally safe with him.

Sorry. Just finally putting words to feelings I've been struggling with.

I'm glad you can speak honestly here and I hope the therapist helps you with this.  I didn't use to understand what "emotionally safe" meant but now I do.  As I just said to Pink, living in a room full of eggshells you have to tiptoe around sucks.

[soupandstew]

Board meeting tonight was okay, no fireworks but a certain undercurrent of tension.  About an hour in I realized just how over it I am as nothing really bothered me one way or another.  When an assumption was made that I would be willing to continue in a certain function, I politely pointed out that I hadn't signed up for that committee last month and I didn't feel like continuing with it.  I think my give-a-damn is officially busted

[cooper88]

Jan 8, 2024 21:17:31 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

Jan 8, 2024 19:21:11 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Yes, I have called it him out on it.

A few days ago, when he picked up the groceries he ordered the night that YD was yelling about food, when he got home and was setting the first round of bags down, I went got all the bags left in the trunk of his car and closed the trunk. When I was headed to the door, he was coming back out and reached for the bags I had. I said “I got the bags, just pick up the heater.” He’d knocked over the space heater in the garage when he went inside. Somehow, what I said was wrong, and he got irritated.

I said to him, I had all the rest of the groceries, how was me saying I got the bags, just stand the heater back up, me being negative? Why do you perceive everything I say, as something negative or criticism? 

He didn’t know what to say. And I felt like I should’ve just kept sitting on my ass, and minding my own business, instead of trying to be helpful by helping bring the groceries inside. Sit on my ass, like the person he bought them for, did. I don’t do shit anyway, let him tell it, so why not just really not do shit?

So I do speak up and call him on his shit in the moment. Not all the time, because I am beyond tired of fighting with him, but often. But even when I do, it’s still somehow my fault or he just doesn’t know what to say because he can’t think of a way to make me be the bad person. Or he’ll use his other tactic “I’m sorry. I fucked up again” and walk off, which is yet another way of trying to make me the bad guy and avoid dealing with his behavior toward me. And calling him out in the moment just confirms his other idea, that all I do is complain.

It’s crazy.

This really resonates with me - this is exactly how DH acts when I try to call him out for his shit.  If just once, just one little tiny time, he would look at me and admit he was wrong, it would truly mean the world.  It's really special when he just looks at me and says, "what do you want me to do?", throwing it all back on me.  I'm beyond tired of trying to avoid saying something, some way that sets him off.  If I ask him flat out what it was I said, he starts up with, "It's your tone, it's your attitude".  Living life in a room full of eggshells is exhausting.  

I no longer walk on eggshells to avoid conflict at home. I just say, very calmly and unemotionally, "Why do you think it's okay to talk to me that way?" Hint, there is no good answer. I don't have to say it often and it's very effective for me.

[Works4me]

Pink - I can't help wondering who it was that told Mister that you are a hold digger. I have run into that issue here on more than one occasion with regard to this house & my insistence that my name be on this house, which is our home. If I am putting my time, energy & money (over $50K) into this place my name better damn well better be on the deed. That is just the necessary reality of our lives and situation. Every member of hid family that we have contact with has questioned him on that and most want to know why his name isn't on my house. Well,lets see, no one will through you out a day or two later and, oh yeah, no large sum of money put into it and rather then the sweat equity deal I offered, he rightly so, wanted hired help which cost me a shift ton of money. Plus, if I was going to go after a man for a house, it sure as hell wouldn't be him.It would probably be the guy I knew in HS that now owns houses in San Diego, Cupertino, a No Calif lake resort, and latest is just south of Denver. The thing is I don't love that guy.

Any way, who the hell planted the Gold Digger idea in his head at such a later date?

ETA - please don't quite as I may delete most if it as right now I feel like my ass is hanging out there, blowing in the wind.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jan 8, 2024 15:00:02 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jan 8, 2024 14:57:55 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

On the weirdness scale,
How weird is it that my boss has not contacted me at all since I turned in my resignation? I didn’t send the resignation to her, just to the overall boss.

How often does your boss normally contact you?

The first year--almost daily including weekends. 
The last six months--it's dwindled from every few days to once since December 8 except. Last Wednesday, when she didn't know I'd resigned she canceled our weekly meeting because she didn't have anything she wanted to talk about.  

Jan 8, 2024 15:20:57 GMT -5 Peace77 said:

Jan 8, 2024 14:57:55 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

On the weirdness scale,
How weird is it that my boss has not contacted me at all since I turned in my resignation? I didn’t send the resignation to her, just to the overall boss.

Maybe your boss didn’t get notified.
You could send your boss an FYI email.

She was notified at least twice. 
After the big boss called me to tell me he got my letter, then big boss hit reply on my email and cc'd my immediate supervisor and HR. 
Then, last Thursday, the organization's leadership team (of which my position is a part) was sent a group email announcing my resignation and that I was telling my staff that day. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jan 8, 2024 18:50:18 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

I don't understand I guess. I loved my folks but my dad got killed instantly so no long mourning, it was over. And mom was old and so sick her quality of life was not good at all. I just accept death, it is part of living. Of course, I missed them, but it was over and the rest of us need to go on. That may make me sound insensitive but just me. Now if something happens to my kids or hubs I will likely feel differently but I can't say. I know it is inevitable and final, so just try to do the best I can for everyone while alive.

\Ok, banana  bread came out good, I added some milk to make it more moist, now I'm trying chocolate chip cookies for DD and grandson, hope it adjusted right again.

We all grieve differently. I understand that others grieve differently even if I don't grieve that way. 


Love me some banana bread. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Pink Cashmere, I'm not discounting your feelings about wanting to work on "you" with counselor as opposed to "you and Mister". 
There is clearly a disconnect with you and Mister right now, and I just want to smack him. 
As someone who has been to counseling only a handful of times for myself but does deal with a lot of mediation for students, it is useful for a person to talk to the person they're having a conflict with to see if there's even a way to share perspectives. Maybe that's all she wants to do in the short term in a way to just help you in the long term?

Again, just talking out my patooty as I'm not adept about mental health therapy. 

[minnesotapaintlady]

Jan 8, 2024 20:19:03 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jan 8, 2024 19:24:07 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Is it a Mach-E? I freaking love those things. 😍 But, yeah, would definitely not get one with 3 cars already that don't have a garage spot. That seems a bit ridiculous.

I don’t know which one it is. It seems to be the one below the top of the line. I was so outdone that I didn’t pay attention to the names of the versions he was mentioning.

I think it’s ridiculous too, to add yet another vehicle to what already looks like a small car lot.

The Mach-E is all electric, so that probably would have been mentioned.

[soupandstew]

Well, *&$#@!(^  I thought we were all done with the storms and everything was cool.  Then I heard what I thought was my neighbor taking his trash to the curb and it turned out to be a weird downburst of rain and hail.  We won't be able to tell until daylight tomorrow if my car is damaged.  It seems too light to have caused roof damage for which I am very thankful as that $12,000+ deductible on top of the sewer work would be very painful.  I think every neighbor in a 2-block range heard me using the F word

[minnesotapaintlady]

Jan 8, 2024 17:16:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

The more of this stuff I see, the happier I am that I am no longer in the workplace 

That's kind of the same way I feel about marriage.  Every now and then I think "wouldn't it be nice"?  Then I read a few pages on here.  

[weltz]

Jan 8, 2024 18:50:18 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

I don't understand I guess. I loved my folks but my dad got killed instantly so no long mourning, it was over. And mom was old and so sick her quality of life was not good at all. I just accept death, it is part of living. Of course, I missed them, but it was over and the rest of us need to go on. That may make me sound insensitive but just me. Now if something happens to my kids or hubs I will likely feel differently but I can't say. I know it is inevitable and final, so just try to do the best I can for everyone while alive.

It's just like hubs and I now, lot of people don't understand us, we talk everyday and are on the same page. I guess it works for us. It's just like when I moved to Texas, took him 2 years to get his butt in gear and accept it, best thing we ever did for him. He enjoyed the jobs he had through the years. It would be the same here. Little guy even asked him yesterday, grandpa why don't you want to come up here with all of us? Not much of an answer, I don't get it either. We have one time to live this and enjoy our family, it won't come round again. He doesn't even talk to anyone down there and only goes to the grocery and pharmacy?? Oh well, what can I say.

And Walk, yep, hubs is the same way, you have to pick the right time to say something to him, then he comes around. However for this stove not costing anymore than it did I took it upon myself to just get it.

Pink, I really think you and Mister don't talk to each other. You both seem to kind of keep it all in to yourselves. Sometimes that builds up worse and worse. Can't one of you tell the other how much you love them? Can't you just tell mister you are not a gold digger, that you had a tough time with money by being off so much. Of course, he should realize this but you do realize you are dealing with a man, you have to explain everything to them.

I don't know, my life is not perfect and I'm far from perfect, we just wade out way through life I guess, but we are still together.

And for you getting written up about not smiling. I was ALWAYS written up for that. I was in accounting, who gives a crap if I smile while running a calculator, but oh yeah it always came up. I told them it was just the way my mouth curved and it is. Even DD asks me at times if I'm mad, sorry folks. Being retired I don't have to deal with that shit anymore. Sorry you guys are too.

Ok, banana  bread came out good, I added some milk to make it more moist, now I'm trying chocolate chip cookies for DD and grandson, hope it adjusted right again.

Have you tried adding sour cream?   Fantastic!

[countrygirl2]

Wow, about 12 we had a real storm go through here. I bet we had 50 mph winds or more. The lights flickered a few times so I figured they would go off. I hurried and took a shower. It absolutely poured and blew.

I read they are talking blizzard warnings in the mountains for the first time in 10 years so maybe that was part of that front. I will look at the roof tomorrow, the car is under the car port so I think its ok and it has an end and 2 sides on it. Just opens where you drive in and the roof angles down there. We also have a tall fence on sort of the open side so its pretty protected.  I hope son didn't lose any big limbs, he has lots of trees around his house. But that storm was unexpected, think it poured and blew for about half an hour.

I need to head to bed. DIL and I have a couple of errands to run tomorrow, we are both trying not to spend much this month. I need to fix my hair in the morning before we go anywhere. Right now I have bed head, LOL! I need to watch spending after buying the stove. And I upgraded DD and I's ticket to the more comfortable section behind first class.

Back home our behavioral person said I ought to apply for money for caregiving for taking care of DD. She said it is available. Since I quit work to care for her and mom it killed my SS, I don't get much, sure could not live very well on what I ended up with. She said I might as well since I do take care of her. We never did as hubs felt we already got enough. But now with selling the rentals and the COL going up it would be welcome. I don't know, have to think about it. It would help pay for coming up here if I had some income. Sounds like you can likely do the same here. They do it to encourage people to keep their people home, its a lot cheaper than in a facility for sure.

Well bed for now.