what are you doing right now?

[chiver78]

happy birthday rae! 

[chiver78]

currently working on a cup of coffee and listening to the Today Show. I'm waiting to make sure that cup of coffee stays put (I was up overnight for a couple hours, not feeling well) before I pack up the pups and we go find some fun. it's bright and sunny, but damn cold today. I've got my car keys on top of my hat and gloves so I remember to take both with me. 

afternoon agenda will include some laundry that's still hanging out downstairs in the baskets, and I need to remember to make rice for the pups before it's their dinner time. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I was musing about grief and I've been reading a book about anxiety.  So I figured I'd share.

Something broke in me between the pandemic and everything that happened last year.   I was circling around what the problem was and finally got a label for it with the book I read.  My coping mechanisms that I have used all my life have failed.   It is not that I have changed as a person my ADHD has always been there if undiagnosed.   What happened is the means I have used to keep it mostly under control all my life no longer function in my new normal.

But developing new habits is hard so  I have been trying to force my way through only to find myself in development meetings at work or having to pay major stupid taxes on bills.

That being said it is on ME to do the work.  I got myself on medication to tame my anxiety and depression so two out of three are quieted down enough I can focus on the third.  I've done therapy.  I am trying various coping ideas to see what works best for me in this new normal.

I do want and somewhat expect DH to support me in all this.  BUT it does not give me permission to use him as a punching bag.  I do appreciate the grace he extends me when I get into sensory overload and get cranky/lose my shit but it is up to ME when I do it to apologize and correct my behavior for the future.

He has every right to set his own boundaries on what he will put up with from me.  The one thing I haven't liked about the "everyone grieves differently" mantra is that in certain contexts it seems to give people permission to mistreat others and then the peanut gallery expects you to just endure it.   Everyone will experience grief at some point in their lives it doesn't mean you get to abuse your partner over it.   

Extending grace to DH getting upset over something minor he wouldn't usually, yes.  Implying I am suddenly a gold digger and always have been?  Hell no.   We are all adults and we know no matter what the circumstances saying shit like that is not okay.  And if you do you should be groveling to your SO to make up for it.

[toomuchreality]

Nov 14, 2023 20:58:39 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

I think I'm being petty but I'm frustrated that dh didn't mention anything about my birthday to the kids. Dh said something to me at 1am when I was up treating a low and finally texted a happy bday message around 10am, after he was snippy with me in the morning because he couldn't find his keys.

But the reason dh gets a card and a gift from dc and at least a text from ds is because I help facilitate that. They're 10 and 14, so young and self centered with good reason. The kids didn't even realize it was my bday until I mentioned it - because ds cut into the angel food cake I bought for myself.

Im going to have to spell it out for him for mothers day I guess. Or I guess I could bypass him and just talk to the kids. They're old enough for that too.

Sorry I'm late. But I want to say Happy birthday.
I too, think your DH could have done better and should have mentioned it to the kids, at the very least. But that's just me.
Maybe if you talk to your kids, they'll help get him in line, in the future? I wish things had gone better, for you.

[toomuchreality]

Nov 15, 2023 9:46:16 GMT -5 chiver78 said:

currently working on a cup of coffee and listening to the Today Show. I'm waiting to make sure that cup of coffee stays put (I was up overnight for a couple hours, not feeling well) before I pack up the pups and we go find some fun. it's bright and sunny, but damn cold today. I've got my car keys on top of my hat and gloves so I remember to take both with me. 

afternoon agenda will include some laundry that's still hanging out downstairs in the baskets, and I need to remember to make rice for the pups before it's their dinner time. 

I hope you and your pups enjoy your day! And you don't need your hat and gloves. But smart to take them, just in case.

[andi9899]

Nov 14, 2023 20:58:39 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

I think I'm being petty but I'm frustrated that dh didn't mention anything about my birthday to the kids. Dh said something to me at 1am when I was up treating a low and finally texted a happy bday message around 10am, after he was snippy with me in the morning because he couldn't find his keys.

But the reason dh gets a card and a gift from dc and at least a text from ds is because I help facilitate that. They're 10 and 14, so young and self centered with good reason. The kids didn't even realize it was my bday until I mentioned it - because ds cut into the angel food cake I bought for myself.

Im going to have to spell it out for him for mothers day I guess. Or I guess I could bypass him and just talk to the kids. They're old enough for that too.

Happy birthday!

[andi9899]

Macy has an appointment with the vet tomorrow morning to look at the spot on her side. Hopefully it's nothing.

[azucena]

Nov 15, 2023 9:51:14 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I was musing about grief and I've been reading a book about anxiety.  So I figured I'd share.

Something broke in me between the pandemic and everything that happened last year.   I was circling around what the problem was and finally got a label for it with the book I read.  My coping mechanisms that I have used all my life have failed.   It is not that I have changed as a person my ADHD has always been there if undiagnosed.   What happened is the means I have used to keep it mostly under control all my life no longer function in my new normal.

But developing new habits is hard so  I have been trying to force my way through only to find myself in development meetings at work or having to pay major stupid taxes on bills.

That being said it is on ME to do the work.  I got myself on medication to tame my anxiety and depression so two out of three are quieted down enough I can focus on the third.  I've done therapy.  I am trying various coping ideas to see what works best for me in this new normal.

I do want and somewhat expect DH to support me in all this.  BUT it does not give me permission to use him as a punching bag.  I do appreciate the grace he extends me when I get into sensory overload and get cranky/lose my shit but it is up to ME when I do it to apologize and correct my behavior for the future.

He has every right to set his own boundaries on what he will put up with from me.  The one thing I haven't liked about the "everyone grieves differently" mantra is that in certain contexts it seems to give people permission to mistreat others and then the peanut gallery expects you to just endure it.   Everyone will experience grief at some point in their lives it doesn't mean you get to abuse your partner over it.   

Extending grace to DH getting upset over something minor he wouldn't usually, yes.  Implying I am suddenly a gold digger and always have been?  Hell no.   We are all adults and we know no matter what the circumstances saying shit like that is not okay.  And if you do you should be groveling to your SO to make up for it.

Some great insights and work here, drama. Going to ponder on the bolded myself.

[jerseygirl]

Happy belated birthday Rae!

[countrygirl2]

When I went on duloxetine it helped stop me from worrying so much. I had major anxiety. It is used for neuropathy but being cymbalta also treats depression and anxiety. I take 40mg per day, have not had to go to 60 yet. I think it has made life in our home a lot more pleasant. However, I can only use the brand name, I tried some generics and didn't sit well with me at all, so of course it costs more. But in the long run I think its worth it. It helpse me deal with DD and all the things that frustrated the hell out of me. I think soon I may have to up the dose as my toes are getting more numb more often. But time will tell.

It's another beautiful, sunny day out though only 58 out.  Hubs went to his therapy session and I'm waiting for DD's caseworkers. I've picked things up and am running the robot, washer, and soon d/w.

I may work on purging the upper kitchen cabinets again today and cleaning out leftovers from the fridge this afternoon.  I know there is tons of stuff I could purge and each time I do it a bit more goes. 

I was just watching a Denny's commercial with eggs, bacon, toast, and hashbrowns, sounds so good. Maybe later will eat a couple of eggs. We are both back on our statins so I feel comfortabe adding a few more items back to our diet. Still trying to drink more tea in place of coffee, but I miss my coffee.

[toomuchreality]

Nov 15, 2023 10:25:06 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Macy has an appointment with the vet tomorrow morning to look at the spot on her side. Hopefully it's nothing.

Good luck. I hope it's nothing too.

[NastyWoman]

Happy birthday raeoflyte

[bean29]

Happy Birthday Ray, sorry I am a bit late.

My husband used to get my birthday a day early.  I decided I would just take it, at least he was remembering.  DD is not the kind to forget, and DS has been doing well (I am not sure if someone reminded him or ?)  FB sends the reminders that it is someone's birthday...but I know both of my kids don't use FB a lot.  I did get FB birthday wishes from both of them though.  Our thing is to go out for Birthdays as a family.  That is really all I want.  We just did bithdays for my DS and My Mom.  I got DS a Beer Advent Calendar, a set of Beer Growlers for 2 from Amazon and a 100 GC to Home Depot.  He then asked my DH to help him with some electrical work at his SO's house so DH dropped everything and worked over there for a day.  DS owns a duplex, but he just moved in with his Girlfriend.  When he moved his weight lifting equipment in, he had to take the drop ceiling down which exposed some electrical issues...which DS felt should be dealt with sooner rather than later.

DD is off to Florida for 2.5 weeks, so she will not be home for Thanksgiving.  DH is planning to go to his Mom's but DD and DH says she said she does not want company.  DH is planning to cook a turkey and take it over there.  I am not 100% comfortable with that.  I could easily have just DH and I and DS and his GF, but if it gets to be 30-50 people that is a hell of a lot more prep and I just can't do it.  Even if I did not have serious work deadlines hanging over my head. So, other than DH and I, and DH's Mother, no one else in the family has ever hosted a holiday dinner.  DD and DH said one of my BIL's sent a message asking what the plans are.  I apparently was not included in the message chain, so I will not bother to try to reply.  I don't exactly know what to say anyways.

Mom called me last night and said she is having issues with her computer again.  So I have to run to her house on my lunch.  I don't think DB is back from Vacay yet, but he will be home to go to dinner with us on Sunday for my family Thanksgiving.  We are going to an Italian restaurant.  DS made the reservation and found the restaurant.  She said we have 26.  DH asked me who was paying.  I just told him we would split it up. I wasn't expecting my DB's family to come as they have been on vacay...but I suspect they are just as happy with plans for a restaurant as I am.  My DSIL has been hostess for many holidays.  I have done my share and so has my Mom, but we are done letting my Mom host. The one issue we have is they are planning to put us in an upstairs room and we are worried if my Mom's knee/hip issues will be an issue.

Still no word from the car dealer on my Car Title issue.  DH said he could apply for the title, but he would have to pay the taxes all over again.  We paid the dealer for them, so I prefer to wait for them to deal with it somehow.  MD attorney general referred us to MD DMV, so DH is going to contact the MD Dept of Transportation and file a complaint.  Dealer sent us the plates, and DH went to a gas station in the hood to renew the plates last year.  My car has a 22 sticker on it, we did not realize there was an issue until we tried to look up if we needed an emission test online and could not find the registration.  DH went to the WI DMV and they had no record of it ever being registered.  He now thinks the guy at the corner gas station gave him the sticker without actually renewing the registration online.  He is not calling that guy a crook, he said they are super busy all the time, and when he went into record it online he probably encountered problems.  DD ubered to the airport, so DH told me I should probably drive her car while we are waiting for the fix to this...but I still got in my car and drove off to work this am. 

 

[toomuchreality]

Nov 15, 2023 11:01:56 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

When I went on duloxetine it helped stop me from worrying so much. I had major anxiety. It is used for neuropathy but being cymbalta also treats depression and anxiety. I take 40mg per day, have not had to go to 60 yet. I think it has made life in our home a lot more pleasant. However, I can only use the brand name, I tried some generics and didn't sit well with me at all, so of course it costs more. But in the long run I think its worth it. It helpse me deal with DD and all the things that frustrated the hell out of me. I think soon I may have to up the dose as my toes are getting more numb more often. But time will tell.

It's another beautiful, sunny day out though only 58 out.  Hubs went to his therapy session and I'm waiting for DD's caseworkers. I've picked things up and am running the robot, washer, and soon d/w.

I may work on purging the upper kitchen cabinets again today and cleaning out leftovers from the fridge this afternoon.  I know there is tons of stuff I could purge and each time I do it a bit more goes. 

I was just watching a Denny's commercial with eggs, bacon, toast, and hashbrowns, sounds so good. Maybe later will eat a couple of eggs. We are both back on our statins so I feel comfortabe adding a few more items back to our diet. Still trying to drink more tea in place of coffee, but I miss my coffee.

When are you planning on going to Washington? I hope you enjoy it!

Is it your next door neighbors, who are splitting up? The ones that the husband has been sick?
-Sorry, I missed that.

Enjoy your day!

[toomuchreality]

Nov 15, 2023 11:13:06 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Happy Birthday Ray, sorry I am a bit late.

My husband used to get my birthday a day early.  I decided I would just take it, at least he was remembering.  DD is not the kind to forget, and DS has been doing well (I am not sure if someone reminded him or ?)  FB sends the reminders that it is someone's birthday...but I know both of my kids don't use FB a lot.  I did get FB birthday wishes from both of them though.  Our thing is to go out for Birthdays as a family.  That is really all I want.  We just did bithdays for my DS and My Mom.  I got DS a Beer Advent Calendar, a set of Beer Growlers for 2 from Amazon and a 100 GC to Home Depot.  He then asked my DH to help him with some electrical work at his SO's house so DH dropped everything and worked over there for a day.  DS owns a duplex, but he just moved in with his Girlfriend.  When he moved his weight lifting equipment in, he had to take the drop ceiling down which exposed some electrical issues...which DS felt should be dealt with sooner rather than later.

DD is off to Florida for 2.5 weeks, so she will not be home for Thanksgiving.  DH is planning to go to his Mom's but DD and DH says she said she does not want company.  DH is planning to cook a turkey and take it over there.  I am not 100% comfortable with that.  I could easily have just DH and I and DS and his GF, but if it gets to be 30-50 people that is a hell of a lot more prep and I just can't do it.  Even if I did not have serious work deadlines hanging over my head. So, other than DH and I, and DH's Mother, no one else in the family has ever hosted a holiday dinner.  DD and DH said one of my BIL's sent a message asking what the plans are.  I apparently was not included in the message chain, so I will not bother to try to reply.  I don't exactly know what to say anyways.

Mom called me last night and said she is having issues with her computer again.  So I have to run to her house on my lunch.  I don't think DB is back from Vacay yet, but he will be home to go to dinner with us on Sunday for my family Thanksgiving.  We are going to an Italian restaurant.  DS made the reservation and found the restaurant.  She said we have 26.  DH asked me who was paying.  I just told him we would split it up. I wasn't expecting my DB's family to come as they have been on vacay...but I suspect they are just as happy with plans for a restaurant as I am.  My DSIL has been hostess for many holidays.  I have done my share and so has my Mom, but we are done letting my Mom host. The one issue we have is they are planning to put us in an upstairs room and we are worried if my Mom's knee/hip issues will be an issue.

Still no word from the car dealer on my Car Title issue.  DH said he could apply for the title, but he would have to pay the taxes all over again.  We paid the dealer for them, so I prefer to wait for them to deal with it somehow.  MD attorney general referred us to MD DMV, so DH is going to contact the MD Dept of Transportation and file a complaint.  Dealer sent us the plates, and DH went to a gas station in the hood to renew the plates last year.  My car has a 22 sticker on it, we did not realize there was an issue until we tried to look up if we needed an emission test online and could not find the registration.  DH went to the WI DMV and they had no record of it ever being registered.  He now thinks the guy at the corner gas station gave him the sticker without actually renewing the registration online.  He is not calling that guy a crook, he said they are super busy all the time, and when he went into record it online he probably encountered problems.  DD ubered to the airport, so DH told me I should probably drive her car while we are waiting for the fix to this...but I still got in my car and drove off to work this am. 

 

What a pain.
I had a roommate who bought a new car from a dealership. Then the dealership couldn't find anyone to assume the loan, so they didn't send her plates, or registration. She just kept driving it and parking wherever she wanted. She ignored all the tickets she got, because the dealership guaranteed financing. That went on for over a year. Then I moved out, so I don't know what ever happened with it.

Yours sounds like a genuine PIA. Although not your fault. I'd keep driving it too. Good luck!

[giramomma]

I did not realize that this was a 3 paycheck month. I think we will do OK.

When I was paid once a month, we'd have the reckoning with how much was left after bills and food were paid for about this month. Sometimes, it wasn't much.

Now, I'm staring at getting two more paychecks yet this month. It is weird. (And we need to take care of some bills...so its well timed).

[TheOtherMe]

Had a recheck at the doctor today.  Totally irritates me that I was the only person I saw masking.  Doctor did mask at my request.  

She says I'm doing fine and will get blood test results Friday as it has to be sent to Dubuque to the lab.  

Overheard the receptionist telling people they have no available appointments until after Thanksgiving and to go to Urgent Care or the ER.  

[TheOtherMe]

I don't think saying all people grieve differently gives you permission to abuse other people.  I do believe every person grieves differently even knowing we will all lose someone close to us.

It hurts and that pain is not handled the same way by everyone.  Nor should it.  We each have our own personalities.  

I still have a lot of anger at my sister because she still doesn't think dad had dementia.  It was so obvious that I don't get why she could not see it at the time and that she can't see it looking back.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Nov 15, 2023 12:15:30 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I don't think saying all people grieve differently gives you permission to abuse other people.  I do believe every person grieves differently even knowing we will all lose someone close to us.

It hurts and that pain is not handled the same way by everyone.  Nor should it.  We each have our own personalities.  

I still have a lot of anger at my sister because she still doesn't think dad had dementia.  It was so obvious that I don't get why she could not see it at the time and that she can't see it looking back.  

Well when I say that DH was treating me like Mister is treating Pink when his mom died.  DH has zero coping mechanisms because he's always used substances to deal with stuff.

When I was upset about it people told me he was grieving and I need to be more understanding.

The therapist said no that's not true.  Everyone grieves differently but that didn't give DH the right to emotionally abuse me over it.  He needed to learn better ways to express his grief.  

Being understanding that he was going through a lot a was a given.  But he said some REALLY mean things about me that I haven't quite forgiven him for.

DH has always had that streak, it's part of his addictive personality.  Grief didn't make him that way, grief stripped him of his ability to hide it.  He needed to do the work to get it back under control because I sure as hell wasn't going to put up with it long term.  

[seriousthistime]

Nov 14, 2023 20:58:39 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

I think I'm being petty but I'm frustrated that dh didn't mention anything about my birthday to the kids. Dh said something to me at 1am when I was up treating a low and finally texted a happy bday message around 10am, after he was snippy with me in the morning because he couldn't find his keys.

But the reason dh gets a card and a gift from dc and at least a text from ds is because I help facilitate that. They're 10 and 14, so young and self centered with good reason. The kids didn't even realize it was my bday until I mentioned it - because ds cut into the angel food cake I bought for myself.

Im going to have to spell it out for him for mothers day I guess. Or I guess I could bypass him and just talk to the kids. They're old enough for that too.

Happy birthday, raeoflyte.  I hope you enjoy the day despite the snippiness.

It was the same for me for many years, not so much with the kids because they'd always be asking when my birthday was coming up and looking forward to it, and by their teenage years they remembered it on their own.  When XH and I split, he began to realize how much I did to facilitate their remembrance of his birthday.  They didn't acknowledge your birthday starting the year we split? Huh. I wonder why.

Even when XH did something for my birthday, it was on his terms.  He might decide to make a special dinner, menu of his choosing, on a date that was close to, but not on, my birthday because he was motivated to cook right then, and then my day would pass with no mention of it because we'd already celebrated it.  Cleanup was always on me.  Gifts were often nice but not what I would have picked out for myself.  Fancy, fragile, huge, red wine glasses that needed hand washing, when I don't drink red wine but he did. Many of his gifts reflected what he wanted for himself. And then there was the day one of the kids was disappointed with his birthday gifts and XH took the opportunity to tell me that he had been similarly disappointed in my gifts. I remember that comment as if it were yesterday. 

[lurkyloo]

Happy birthday raeoflyte!

[swamp]

Nov 14, 2023 0:20:34 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Nov 13, 2023 23:44:57 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

You used to call him DF. You switched to Mister when his kids started the shenanigans. Would you like me to slap him and the girls? I will. I'll channel my inner Will Smith.

LOL! No, Willete, don’t slap anyone yet. 

Please let me know when it's OK to step in and slap him.    He's being a massive bag of dicks.  

[raeoflyte]

Nov 15, 2023 12:25:44 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Nov 15, 2023 12:15:30 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

I don't think saying all people grieve differently gives you permission to abuse other people.  I do believe every person grieves differently even knowing we will all lose someone close to us.

It hurts and that pain is not handled the same way by everyone.  Nor should it.  We each have our own personalities.  

I still have a lot of anger at my sister because she still doesn't think dad had dementia.  It was so obvious that I don't get why she could not see it at the time and that she can't see it looking back.  

Well when I say that DH was treating me like Mister is treating Pink when his mom died.  DH has zero coping mechanisms because he's always used substances to deal with stuff.

When I was upset about it people told me he was grieving and I need to be more understanding.

The therapist said no that's not true.  Everyone grieves differently but that didn't give DH the right to emotionally abuse me over it.  He needed to learn better ways to express his grief.  

Being understanding that he was going through a lot a was a given.  But he said some REALLY mean things about me that I haven't quite forgiven him for.

DH has always had that streak, it's part of his addictive personality.  Grief didn't make him that way, grief stripped him of his ability to hide it.  He needed to do the work to get it back under control because I sure as hell wasn't going to put up with it long term.  

This is my underlying issue with dh, even over last nights stuff. He is checking out more and more. Not dealing with issues, not working on coping mechanisms. Which means when things are ok, he's mostly OK. But procrastinating, or a change in plans, or if something actually does go wrong he cant function anymore. Which puts me in the position of trying to keep everything ok. And regardless of intent that isn't ok.

It's exasperated by the fact that his job is literally dealing and reacting to the worst case scenarios day in and day out. So I'm sure he's putting in all his effort there and maybe he's just empty every where else. But that isn't ok either when the solution is leaving the mess for me to clean up.

[lurkyloo]

Made it through dentist appointment, yay!  No cavities and he behaved himself well enough they think he’s ready to maybe have the sealant done    They’ve been putting it off for years bc they didn’t think he’d sit still and cooperate  

I slept like absolute crap last night.  Trying to hunt down an advocate for DS’ school mess, DH is out of town, Thanksgiving week looming like a major threat.  At least the shutdown doesn’t look like it’ll happen.  It wouldn’t affect us directly but it’d sure make work interesting.

Can’t comment in depth on the crappy partners thing bc it makes me furious, but speaking as the weak link in my own relationship this lack of basic courtesy towards partners is absolute BS.  How did grace and empathy get turned into entitlements?  Why are people okay with that being a one way street?

[andi9899]

My boxing instructor decided last night was kill andi night. My back, abs, glutes and arms all hurt. I told him last night that today would be rough. I was right.

[ners]

Happy Birthday rae

[ners]

All I can say is strongly dislike my new A/P system.

[countrygirl2]

We are leaving for Washington Dec 7th.  And the neighbor I was referring too, I have not mentioned before. I just know her through our agency we use and postings. We don't talk often, but she is a nice lady. I just feel so sorry for her and to do it at holidays really sucks.  Told hubs he better never do that to me. He said, I'm not, and I don't think he would.  We have had our issues but those are in the past. I would never do anything like leave with him having health problems and I don't think he would leave DD and I. You never know but as serious as he takes his obligations I just don't see it. He would never walk away from our daughter. If he is anything at all, he is loyal.

I'm thinking of going up for a month to help son with his garage deal and some other things if hubs is able to care for DD. He will take good care of her. If I can't perhaps he can. Son doesn't know who to contact to do it, I can understand that, reputable builders can be hard to find. And his neighborhood has been built up for years so noone with a current construction project. It is a problem hauling our cats back and forth. Expensive to fly or take them in a vehicle. Yes, we would be better off without them traveling.

Hubs said he finished pulling all his wires through the boat trailer. Now he has to figure out how to hook it all up. He will, he always does.  

[bean29]

Nov 15, 2023 14:55:49 GMT -5 ners said:

All I can say is strongly dislike my new A/P system.

What system is it? We use Sage Construction & Real Estate. I will keep using it until forced to change.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Finishing up the visas for Cambodia and Vietnam.  We need to go get passport photos taken sometime this week so I can get this in the mail.  I need to figure out hotel bookings now.