what are you doing right now?

[toomuchreality]

Sept 21, 2023 19:58:45 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Sept 21, 2023 19:46:55 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

I wonder sometimes how I have survived all the stress in my life. I really think I have had a few breakdowns, sure seems like it. But somehow I recovered, don't know how, so can't help others.

DD keeps me in a constant, low level state of stress anymore, yet I cope with it better than I used to.  But now I think its the duloxetine, (Cymbalta). My neuropathy is better and I think it also helps my anxiety.

And sad but true, with the demise of MIL, that relieved a lot of it too. I have been through deaths in our families but the only ones that really affected me was my dad and mom. However his moms situation altered our life for over 10 years. Before we got her somewhere I almost lost my mind and it just went on and on. We prior to that had to leave our home and come back here. That was not exactly the plan believe me, maybe later but not at that time..

I really think that you will get some relief over time. It will take Mister a lot longer.  I would give him emotional support if you can but remove myself from any of the stuff he has to take care of. He has a brother and sister, he can coordinate with them. There is nothing legally you can do anyway. I would just give love and encouragement.

Of course, now I may need to help hubs, possibly physically later on. As long as I can retain my mental faculties, I can also do all the paperwork and manage all we need to do to move. Initially for a few days I about fell apart. But somehow that inner toughness has kicked in again and I know I can do what I need to do.

He and I are on the same page, we are going to work together to divest ourselves of property and "things" and move forward with what we need. And I know if I need help our son will do what he can and our DIL will do what she can. I won't ask a lot of her as she is a very emotional person and also lets everything get to her. If fact when I get up there, I'm going to have to help her with doctors and things she needs to do for herself.

Is the situation ideal? of course not, but I really have no alternative. If I cave too our family will be chaos and I can't let that happen.

I have no answers for anyone, wish I did. Somehow you have to reach down and find that inner strength to move forward. Maybe through helpful drugs, or therapy, or time away, or relaxation therapy.

Pink, have you tried massages? They are extremely soothing and sometimes I go twice a week. It helps release tight muscles. Also gives you time away. Or maybe a mini vacation by yourself. Just go to a hotel for a few days and swim and indulge yourself, relax.  Maybe something like that would help.

Whatever it takes I wish you well and hope you can find the release and inner peace you need. Life is too short to suffer like you are. My best to you in finding a solution.

It sounds horrible, but I do think that Mr. Messy’s death will eventually help with a lot of the stress that was due to trying to see about him. Lord forgive me, because it feels horrible to have actually typed that. My brain says maybe I shouldn’t feel so bad for thinking that, since he made it clear to anybody that would listen, that he wanted to die, but still.

Thank you for the advice to tend to me. In addition to my own grief about Mr. Messy dying, my priority has been trying to tend to Mister, even though he won’t let me. So, I do need to tend to me, and the need would be the same even if he did let me tend to him. So thank you for reminding me of that.

I know that I will be okay eventually, I might get overwhelmed and give up temporarily, but in my heart, I am a soldier, and I will find my way once again, like I always have. 

We are at odds now, because of dinner. I give up because I refuse to fight with him, so Imma just go to bed. 

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, pink.

[giramomma]

I also reapplied for the job.  I am done for the day.

[NastyWoman]

Sept 21, 2023 18:35:55 GMT -5 finnime said:

From the outside looking in, it seems that your stress was never completely alleviated, Pink, and then it ballooned with the death. Of course it did. And of course you're reacting to that.

You had mentioned doing yoga some time ago. Do you still do that? Or any other meditational practice? Prayer is always good if you're bent in that direction. Something to give you a release, and to lessen the awful stress in your life.

Maybe think of things that you enjoy doing when you don't have to do anything, and make time to do them.

Spend time with your grands.

Play with your dogs.

Take up online gambling, or pole dancing?

I wish I could help.

Yoga or pole dancing. Forget about online gambling. This is YMAM  after all 

[CCL]

Sept 21, 2023 18:51:43 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Sept 21, 2023 18:08:32 GMT -5 CCL said:

They also make tart cherry gummies. That juice is sour!

Pink, could your doc lower the dose on that med? Maybe enough to help, but not cause so much drowsiness?

Probably, I can ask. I actually Googled the med today, after a conversation with Mister when I was talking about how lethargic I was Tuesday.

It was first prescribed to me when he made me go to the ER in when I woke up in the middle of the night with my arm hurting so bad I was boo hoo crying, and couldn’t unfold my fingers to even get dressed to go to the ER, he had to put my clothes on me. So I took it every night for a long time, trying to avoid having that kind of pain, EVER again.

And some of you might remember me talking about how I started being late for work all the time, when that had never been an issue for me, for over 20 years. It never occurred to me that it might be that med, because I am the odd person that meds don’t even work for me most of the time, or cause the side effects that other people experience. But in hindsight, I think that med was probably what was causing me so many issues with getting up for work when I needed to. And I was beating myself up, wondering wtf was wrong with me all of a sudden, that I was being so trifling that I couldn’t get out of bed to get to work on time.

I finally stopped taking it every night, just because I finally realized that “fun time” with Mister wasn’t so fun, because of the med. Because I finally thought “duh”, if it dulls the pain signals from my nerves, it was probably dulling the feedback from ALL my nerves, even the good stuff. It still took even longer for me to realize once I wasn’t taking it all the time, that it was probably the reason I felt so sluggish and sleepy during the day when I took it. 

Now, I take it so rarely, that I know for sure that it causes problems for me, the day after I take it. 

When I Googled it today, I learned that the dose I have is higher than what is usually prescribed for nerve pain. I understand that, because even the big boy muscle relaxants and opiods don’t work for me like they do for other people, meaning I might as well just eat a piece of candy, so that’s probably why I was prescribed a higher dose. 

The med is Amitriptyline, which is actually an antidepressant, but more commonly prescribed these days for off label use. 

I will talk to my Doctor about it, because while the current dosage does help with the pain in my hands, wrists and arms, and my hands going numb at night and waking me up, the side effects are too much.

I wonder if Gabapentin might work for you?

[CCL]

Sept 21, 2023 19:15:50 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I went to the library, got to pet dogs, walked the farmer's market, got a free hot dog, bought donuts from my favorite bakery and got a delicious flavored lemonade.

The cup has a cute cow sticker.

Pretty awesome for a Thursday evening.

Now I'm jealous.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Sept 21, 2023 18:30:35 GMT -5 jerseygirl said:

Sept 21, 2023 17:13:50 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

She is a great advocate for her dad.  She took it all the way to the head of the hospital system and asked how did this happen.  Nobody on the floor would talk to her because they screwed up.  Some of the damage may have been lessened if the right side had started being treated when he first went to the ER.  

They have promised her some financial compensation to make her go away.  She is still negotiating and wants to see how her dad does in rehab.  He would need rehab for his left side, but it will probably be a longer stay.  

He can't call her without the help of someone because he can't hold the phone.

That’s why our ODS (Dr) and DD (nurse) tell us to go to large teaching hospitals as they feel there’s more oversight and most recent procedures

Just so very sad that her dad had this happen to him

It very much depends on where you are at.  You would not believe the nightmare I was in at the largest medical center in the state.  I really felt if I stayed there, that they’d kill me.  I checked out against medical advice.  

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Sept 21, 2023 18:53:43 GMT -5 swamp said:

Sept 21, 2023 8:33:42 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Right?  We could take dual classes in HS like Spanish for college credit but you were really limited in what you could take because the program had just launched.  Only a handful of courses counted and it was really scattered/random.

Then only so many schools took credits from IWCC at the time.  A friend of mine was looking at UNO and found out only three of all the classes she took would transfer.   It wasn't even worth the effort she'd put in.

Now two years at IWCC are equivalent to the first two years at any Iowa college/university and the University of Nebraska.  You are ensured to come in as a junior.

Would have made my life SO MUCH EASIER.

I told Gwen she's doing it no exceptions.  It's an absolute no brainer she can get almost her first two years done free through TJ.  That allows the money that has been set aside by my FIL to go further.   I am also strongly pushing for her to go to either UNO/L or to a state institution.   I am not AS opposed to her going out of state if she agrees to complete the first two years here.  Her money won't go as far but it's still not nearly as expensive as if she went all four years out of state.  She'd have to figure out how to make up the difference with loans/scholarships though.

I put my foot down with DH that we will help if/where we can but I am not taking out any loans.  He'll be 55 when she graduates HS.  We need to focus on our own retirement at that point and I am not going into it with student loan debt.  I said I'd rather she have a few student loans than face having to pay for our nursing home care.   We put on our own oxygen masks first.

I went to an expensive private school for next to nothing.  No loans.  

expensive schools have more money to give away. 

My niece #1 got a buttload of money at the private college she wen5 to.  Had she gone 3 years, she’d have had enough money.  Despite having the credits, she stayed all 4 years so wound up needing a loan for only one year.  

Not only that, the private college had fabulous connections in helping her get a job when she graduated.  

[finnime]

Good morning, involved invisipeeps, playing the violins that are your lives. Welcome to Friday. I hope you find this day that all is well, that issues and problems dwindle and you are the warrior in your life.

What swamp noted is very true. Private universities with history are often heavily endowed and provide all an undergraduate needs financially to graduate. I went to an Ivy League school and graduated with only one small, $5000 loan at 2%. It's been worth it. I know I got several of the jobs I held due to the school name. Plus, I got an excellent education.

That said, taking community college courses while in high school is very much worth it for able and committed students. Also AP--DS graduated with 1.5 years of credit for college, was able to defer his admission for a year without losing any ground, and then take it easy during college. He actually worked half time, doing consulting and working at the hospital I worked at.

There are many paths to the mountain top.

I hope you find this dosage works well for jerseyguy, jerseygirl. And that he remains well once he heals.

Last night the sun set with some interesting clouds. I took this from our revolutionary war fort of the sun setting over the hurricane barrier.

[taz157]

I took today off as we had planned to go to my ILs for the weekend. In the end, we aren’t because it’s supposed to rain all weekend. 🤬

Instead, I’m waiting to get a cavity taken care of then run a few errands. I’m probably taking DD1 to a local county fair this afternoon. We’ll see what we can get into this weekend instead. I do know I’ll be working on side job #2 at some point too.

[daisylu]

Rain scheduled here Saturday & Sunday, so I am thinking about going to he grocery store tonight. But I also hate going on Fridays.

[giramomma]

Pink, Have you seen this? www.heart-in-diamond.com/cremation-diamonds/grief-stages.html

I read a blog last night where someone talked about it, and I thought of you. Here's the post www.joscountryjunction.com/out-of-the-depths-more-on-grief/

Frankly, I like this grief model better (and it can be applied to crisis situations,  not just death).

[azucena]

Pink - hold on to the fact that you saw improvement even if it was brief. That means if you keep working on your coping and stress management as life events slow down again, you should find that improvement back again.

TGIF y'all!

[TheOtherMe]

Grief is not linear.  I follow Megan Devine on Instagram.  She is a grief counselor and has excellent advice.  

She gives good advice on how grief affects us.  She has a podcast called It's Okay If You Are Not Okay.  She has a couple of activity books that includes journaling and drawing your grief.

I wish I had known about her when mom died.

[TheOtherMe]

About to leave for grocery pick up.  Haven't done that for over 3 weeks.  Also getting car washed.  I was on a lot of gravel roads when I was in the city of my birth.

Then today is a day of webinars.  I will be late to the first one, but I NEED groceries.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sept 22, 2023 7:43:57 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Grief is not linear.  I follow Megan Devine on Instagram.  She is a grief counselor and has excellent advice.  

She gives good advice on how grief affects us.  She has a podcast called It's Okay If You Are Not Okay.  She has a couple of activity books that includes journaling and drawing your grief.

I wish I had known about her when mom died.

My therapist told me about that.  Grief is not a neat tidy process that checks off boxes.

I do somewhat like the five stage of grief because it gave me a way to frame and articulate what I was feeling so the therapist and I could start to work through it.

I get why people do not like it though because when used in pop culture it really does come off as a X then Y then Z and you're done get on with your life process.

Bargaining is one I find myself stuck in a lot.  I didn't understand what I was doing until my therapist explained it's a "What if" game.   If I had listened to my gut when I went over on Wednesday and forced my mom to go to the ER (how I would have done that IDK) then would she still be alive?  

I've gone so far as to shame myself because working at the medical center I read several articles about how women present heart attacks differently than men.  I should have been able to pick that up because I have been educated on it.

But then there was stupid COVID and she was talking about difficulty breathing.  Bob has said the same thing he thought she had COVID at first.  What if COVID hadn't been going around would we have figured it out sooner?

Stuff like that.  I know that she is dead and not coming back so it isn't denial.  It's I am playing a game with myself and punishing myself for not choosing a different crossroad. 

[daisylu]

After flubbing a work meeting yesterday, I need to nail this 930 one. 

[giramomma]

Sept 22, 2023 8:10:27 GMT -5 daisylu said:

After flubbing a work meeting yesterday, I need to nail this 930 one. 

I'm sure you are going to do great!

[andi9899]

Sept 21, 2023 19:58:45 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Sept 21, 2023 19:46:55 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

I wonder sometimes how I have survived all the stress in my life. I really think I have had a few breakdowns, sure seems like it. But somehow I recovered, don't know how, so can't help others.

DD keeps me in a constant, low level state of stress anymore, yet I cope with it better than I used to.  But now I think its the duloxetine, (Cymbalta). My neuropathy is better and I think it also helps my anxiety.

And sad but true, with the demise of MIL, that relieved a lot of it too. I have been through deaths in our families but the only ones that really affected me was my dad and mom. However his moms situation altered our life for over 10 years. Before we got her somewhere I almost lost my mind and it just went on and on. We prior to that had to leave our home and come back here. That was not exactly the plan believe me, maybe later but not at that time..

I really think that you will get some relief over time. It will take Mister a lot longer.  I would give him emotional support if you can but remove myself from any of the stuff he has to take care of. He has a brother and sister, he can coordinate with them. There is nothing legally you can do anyway. I would just give love and encouragement.

Of course, now I may need to help hubs, possibly physically later on. As long as I can retain my mental faculties, I can also do all the paperwork and manage all we need to do to move. Initially for a few days I about fell apart. But somehow that inner toughness has kicked in again and I know I can do what I need to do.

He and I are on the same page, we are going to work together to divest ourselves of property and "things" and move forward with what we need. And I know if I need help our son will do what he can and our DIL will do what she can. I won't ask a lot of her as she is a very emotional person and also lets everything get to her. If fact when I get up there, I'm going to have to help her with doctors and things she needs to do for herself.

Is the situation ideal? of course not, but I really have no alternative. If I cave too our family will be chaos and I can't let that happen.

I have no answers for anyone, wish I did. Somehow you have to reach down and find that inner strength to move forward. Maybe through helpful drugs, or therapy, or time away, or relaxation therapy.

Pink, have you tried massages? They are extremely soothing and sometimes I go twice a week. It helps release tight muscles. Also gives you time away. Or maybe a mini vacation by yourself. Just go to a hotel for a few days and swim and indulge yourself, relax.  Maybe something like that would help.

Whatever it takes I wish you well and hope you can find the release and inner peace you need. Life is too short to suffer like you are. My best to you in finding a solution.

It sounds horrible, but I do think that Mr. Messy’s death will eventually help with a lot of the stress that was due to trying to see about him. Lord forgive me, because it feels horrible to have actually typed that. My brain says maybe I shouldn’t feel so bad for thinking that, since he made it clear to anybody that would listen, that he wanted to die, but still.

Thank you for the advice to tend to me. In addition to my own grief about Mr. Messy dying, my priority has been trying to tend to Mister, even though he won’t let me. So, I do need to tend to me, and the need would be the same even if he did let me tend to him. So thank you for reminding me of that.

I know that I will be okay eventually, I might get overwhelmed and give up temporarily, but in my heart, I am a soldier, and I will find my way once again, like I always have. 

We are at odds now, because of dinner. I give up because I refuse to fight with him, so Imma just go to bed. 

It's OK for something to be bittersweet. He caused a lot of chaos and stress in the last several months he was here. You can still love him but be glad that the foolishness is over.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Sept 22, 2023 4:32:17 GMT -5 finnime said:

What swamp noted is very true. Private universities with history are often heavily endowed and provide all an undergraduate needs financially to graduate. I went to an Ivy League school and graduated with only one small, $5000 loan at 2%. It's been worth it. I know I got several of the jobs I held due to the school name. Plus, I got an excellent education.

Of course, college admissions have gone insane the past 20 years or so and getting IN a meets need school, let alone an Ivy is a lottery game even for the tippy top students.  Even some of the flagships are being called "State Ivies" now because their admission rates are in the single digits.  A friend of mine that went to Vanderbilt that is playing the application game with her son now sent me this that she found in a box of her college stuff.

60% acceptance rate!!!  Last year Vanderbilt had 47,000 applications and the acceptance rate was 5.6%.  She said her kid with much better stats than she did hasn't a chance.  And this is the same across pretty much all the upper tier private meets need schools.  The insane costs these days combined with grade inflation and kids testing 4 or 5 times with tutors and applying to 20+ schools has made it extremely competitive.

Eta:  ROFL  This is the first thing that showed up on my Facebook this morning.  Not sure if videos from Facebook work on here, but I'll try.

www.facebook.com/reel/854727985833594

[taz157]

Sept 22, 2023 8:10:27 GMT -5 daisylu said:

After flubbing a work meeting yesterday, I need to nail this 930 one. 

Good luck! You got this! 👍

[chiver78]

minnesotapaintlady - I've said a few places around here. I wouldn't be accepted today, at the university where I earned my degree, with the grades I had back then. it's crazy. I was class of 2001 for my 5-yr BS, which lines up with your friend's Vandy stuff here. 

[giramomma]

Sept 22, 2023 8:44:43 GMT -5 chiver78 said:

minnesotapaintlady - I've said a few places around here. I wouldn't be accepted today, at the university where I earned my degree, with the grades I had back then. it's crazy. I was class of 2001 for my 5-yr BS, which lines up with your friend's Vandy stuff here. 

Ditto. I probably wouldn't be accepted at my flagship now, and neither would DH.

On the other hand, we have 4 year campuses, in parts of the state that need a higher ed provider, that are likely going to close. Because they depend on tuition dollars to run, and no one is going there. I'd give it 10-15 years.  They've pretty much cut everything they can. There's nothing left but to shut own the university.

It's probably a fine enough school, even if it it's not Vanderbuilt.

I've been teaching for 20+ years. I've literally had ONE kid come through and say to me "Yeah, I'm going to have to get my masters, so I'll settle for an undergrad that checks the box rather than my very first choice, reach, recognizable school."

Interestly enough her dad worked a very high powered job in DC. Made enough he could have an apartment in DC and support a family here.

[lurkyloo]

I went to a select program at a top 15 for undergrad and don’t believe I’d have been accepted general admission today.  Maybe.  The pressure on kids is kind of horrifying these days.

Thinking of you, Pink.

[daisylu]

Todays meeting went much better. 

The problem yesterday was my seasonal allergies were killing me, and my new med made me VERY loopy. Waiting on doc to call back.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I think I could still get into Simpson but no way I could afford it now.  Tuition for one year has gone up to what it was for my entire two years including room/board.

I am comforted by if my brother could get into Iowa State then Gwen most certainly could so at least Iowa State is an option for her without too much stress.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Sept 22, 2023 9:07:25 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I think I could still get into Simpson but no way I could afford it now.  Tuition for one year has gone up to what it was for my entire two years including room/board.

I am comforted by if my brother could get into Iowa State then Gwen most certainly could so at least Iowa State is an option for her without too much stress.

The Iowa state colleges are auto-admit.  If you have the RAI score necessary to get in, you're in.  I think the acceptance emails to Iowa and Iowa State came in in under 5 minutes from submitting the applications on a weekend for DS.

www.iowaregents.edu/institutions/higher-education-links/regent-admission-index/rai-calculator

[busymom]

Pink Cashmere, would you & Mister be able to take time off from work, and get away from it all?  Just a relaxing vacation, nowhere special, but just away from everything might be just what you need.


In the meantime, don't take on any new projects.  Just be.  You've had a rough year.  You need time to decompress.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

All right finally got caught up on everything.  I've been forgetting to pay stuff because my executive functioning is shot.

I had a long talk with DH about it because it needs to be fixed. 

We've gone too long with me being in control of everything and that something has broken since mom died.  I said I think life is catching up with me and I can no longer do things in my head like I used too because there are far too many bricks being thrown at my head that demand attention.

He came up with a good idea of putting up a white board calendar in the sun room.  Then it's right there for him to look at too compared to hanging a calendar on the wall in the living room that we both tended to walk right past.   Not only that but we can use it to keep track of kid crap, grandma crap and all the other crap going on in our lives. 

Then I need to make a designated spot to put bills I am not getting online.  I've still been throwing them on the TV or on the in table.   Yeah that is how I lost the Medicaid rejection letter from last year. [img src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/embarrassed.png" alt="" class="smile"]  

She said that is not the end of the world there she can get that information BUT it is critical going forward I not lose a single piece of paperwork.

ADHD is a bitch.  The ways I have managed it previously don't work anymore and I've finally admitted that.  I think I got so narrowly focused on compartmentalizing work to make sure I didn't get fired while emotionally imploding I wasn't noticing that I was doing it everywhere else in my life until I couldn't ignore it there either.

Not paying your gas bill for four months and getting a shut off notice tends to do that.  I am sometimes amazed at how long they actually let you go. [img alt="" src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/embarrassed.png" class="smile"]

[azucena]

DD15 is watching a junior friend take all comm college classes this year as dual enrollment. Friend has processing disorder so having her schedule spread out during the day helps her learn better. Friend will graduate with her hs diploma and associates degree in two years. DD is really interested in this option. I need to learn more about it from friend's mom who I've yet to meet. Key info is what states schools it feeds into. We are going to visit a different friend at MO state mid-Oct for an informal tour. It's a likely feeder and tuition/room/board is about $20k/yr all in with 90%+ acceptance rate and likely all the degree programs DD could want. Would relieve a ton of her internal pressure and anxiety to hit the easy button on this. She has no idea what she wants to be but leans into English, writing, Spanish and has a ton of interest in ASL but not enough room in her class schedule since she takes theater electives.

[andi9899]

Sept 21, 2023 20:17:34 GMT -5 giramomma said:

DS just told me I talk like his friends.

I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.  I'll go with proud for now. 

Next time he says that, respond with "bet" or "facts" and watch his brain glitch.