what are you doing right now?

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 11, 2023 17:04:35 GMT -5 MarionTh230 said:

Jul 11, 2023 16:02:59 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

He’s said what he wanted to do this summer IIRC. He wanted to go to Indiana and do stuff with his Grandfather.

I have a coworker who has a grand plan for preparing for his retirement. It involves working every hour of OT he can, and keeping his bills so low that I say his wife can barely turn a light on in peace and he was bitching about some bug deterrent thing she plugged up, running up their utility bill.

Which means his wife, who moved here to be with him, doesn’t do much because he’s always working or tired from working. And it would piss me off for my husband to go to the lengths he does to keep the energy costs low. Besides the lights, all electronics are plugged into power strips that are unplugged when not in use. So if she wants to watch tv, she has to wait forever for everything to boot up. 

I agree with him that she is materialistic, but I finally asked him if this master plan to gear up for his retirement was just his plan, or their plan, that they had sat down and talked about. It’s his plan. Which I don’t think is fair, given that the lady can’t even turn a damn light on in her home.Or spend time with her husband.

All that to say, maybe CG’s son needs to talk to his wife and explain why paying the mortgage off asap is so important to him, and how that will positively affect their cash flow once it’s done. And maybe they can find a middle ground about the timeline for paying the mortgage off, that they are both okay with. And maybe she will feel like she understands what he’s trying to do and why, and he’s not just being an asshole by not letting her spend however much money she wants to….. and most importantly, she might feel like she has a say in the financial decisions being made in her marriage. She might still genuinely not care about any of that and still want to spend more and more money, but I think it’s the right thing to do to at least try to have the conversation with her. Just my opinion.

CG mentioned that her son said DIL doesn't understand finances so he gets frustrated.  Which is why she offered to help.  Which is how she got in the middle of this mess.

Doesn't matter how frustrated he gets.  He needs to try again.  And again.  And again.  For as long as they remain husband and wife.  He picked her.  He married her.  He needs to keep trying until they understand each other or they decide to not be married to each other.  Having his mother explain finances to her DIL because everybody thinks DIL is overspending was a disaster waiting to happen.  There are entire portions of the internet dedicated to such horror stories.  It never ends well.

At the end of the day, CG should be enjoying her time with her DD and DGS.  Not dealing with grown adults who can't figure out how to get along because they are upset about money.  CG is going to worry herself sick if she keeps letting things go this way.  She shouldn't be worrying herself sick.  She should be hanging out with the DGS while she is there! 

I agree that CG should stay out of it. I assume her son didn’t marry a stupid woman, so even if she doesn’t understand credit cards and such, she should be able to understand basic math. If her husband sits down with her and show her what their net income is and their basic budget, she should be able to understand that. OTOH though, if she knows what their net income is, she might really get mad about the limits on her spending lol. But that is still something they need to work out between themselves.

As far as CG spending time with DGS while she is  there, I agree that that should be her focus and let the grown folks work their stuff out between themselves.

Somebody said authorities would be concerned about DGS having spent his summer in a trailer with his elderly grandmother and disabled Aunt, which seemed to me to be deliberately worded in a way to provoke a negative reaction to the circumstances. The “trailer” is not some seedy place, the “elderly” grandmother is not bedridden Orin such poor health that she can’t do fun stuff with her DGS, and the ”disabled Aunt” is not some crazy, needy person that DGS has to help take care of, or be wary of.

CG seems to enjoy getting out and about and doing things away from her home with DGS. It’s not like he’s just cooped up in the house with her and his Aunt. I think that’s good for CG, and good for DGS. They are making memories together. I never went to a summer camp when I was growing up, neither did my children. But me and my children have many, many fond memories of time spent with my Grandmother during the summer, and when my my Mom and I were working during the school year. Spending time at her house wasn’t a punishment, in hindsight, it was more of a blessing than I realized at the time when it was me hanging out with her.

When DGD1 was helping me find beans to pick a couple weeks ago, DD said she remembers doing that with my Grandmother, and helping her prepare them for storage. It was a happy memory for her. I want my grandchildren to have happy memories of time spent with me too. I live far enough away from them now, that it’s not really practical to see them every day or at least several times/week like we’d grown accustomed to, but we’re not nearly as far apart as CG is from her DGS.

So yes countrygirl2 , try to stay out of your son and DIL’s business, regardless of who you think is wrong or right. I wouldn’t necessarily tell my child not to vent to me if they really need to talk to someone they trust, but learning to just listen and not offer any feedback or advice is a good skill to have. Sometimes people just need to be heard, and I’m willing to have a listening ear with no feedback, for my children when they need it, unless they are talking about something really crazy or potentially harmful. Above all, keep in mind the reason you and your hubby bought that place, to spend more time with DGS. Just focus on that and leave the rest alone.

[andi9899]

Jul 11, 2023 14:01:24 GMT -5 chiver78 said:

Jul 11, 2023 13:56:08 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Okay, I promise I read the United website first and then the TSA one. 
If I'm checking a bag, are there not restrictions on liquid? Like I can bring a regular size face wash? Or spray deoderant? Or a bottle of wine?
This is the actual site for me to go by, right? 

(I just don't fly very often and has only ever checked a bag once.)

you can check whatever liquid size you like, that fits in your luggage. I'd suggest packing these things inside secure Ziploc bags (ask me why I offer this PSA...  ) but there's no size restriction in checked luggage. 

and yes, that is the appropriate site to look for restrictions. 

I do this too. Also if something is a flip top, I put a piece of scotch tape over the top. I've had the same experience.

[Opti]

Jul 11, 2023 14:15:55 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Jul 11, 2023 13:59:36 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Billy Clubs
Carry On Bags: No
Checked Bags: Yes


Who walks around with a billy club much less flies on an airplane with one!
I should stay home!

I want to know why they specify lawn mowers are not allowed as carry ons.

I also noticed they do not say I cannot have an emotional support tiger with me on the plane. 

When you lose your emotional support tiger -

[andi9899]

Jul 11, 2023 14:15:55 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Jul 11, 2023 13:59:36 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Billy Clubs
Carry On Bags: No
Checked Bags: Yes


Who walks around with a billy club much less flies on an airplane with one!
I should stay home!

I want to know why they specify lawn mowers are not allowed as carry ons.

I also noticed they do not say I cannot have an emotional support tiger with me on the plane. 

Some stupid mf probably tried it. Just like with all the other stupid warnings out there.

[countrygirl2]

The problem is her english skills, hard to talk to her. And of course she chooses people that speak Russian to converse with. She is handicapping herself, you can only do so much to help. She will ask me to explain something than get mad because she doesn't get it. Or she will say I know, I know when you try to show her something, so she will not let anyone teach her. I think the same has happened in english classes.

Little guy has learned not to say anything back, I hope he isn't building resentment.
Maybe that's why he likes to be here, no chaos, meals on time, and peace. Hubs and I went through a lot till the kids were 13 with his drinking so I know chaos, it was awful.
Her sisters english skills are not the greatest but she works hard at her job at the VA and is doing ok. But she is a real worker also. They have different fathers and so they are different.

I hate to say it but DIL is extremely rude. I think she is now down to about 2 friends, she used to have quite a few. But after awhile they were b***ches for one reason or another. I don't understand and I've about quit trying.

Will share time with little guy and move on. I told him if he wants to spend time at home I will take him anytime he wants. He said nothing.

Ok, going to get over the drama and go plant my tomato and stain the porch and put my screening on the crawl space hole. Later all.

[chiver78]

oh, the schadenfreude is real tonight.    I just read this link - Bank of America to pay $250 million for doubling up on fees and opening accounts without customer approval, CFPB says

from the article - 

"Part of the fines and penalties come because Bank of America had a policy of charging customers $35 after the bank declined a transaction because the customer did not have enough funds in their account, the CFPB said. The agency determined that the bank double-dipped by allowing fees to be repeatedly charged for the same transaction."

this is exactly what they did to me, after running my mortgage payment on a date they were not authorized to do so. this was on the way up to the high water mark in my WIRR race, which is why it was a problem. but it shouldn't have taken 6 fucking weeks to square it up. they refused to admit they screwed up, and I was ready to F my credit by leaving the account with just the negative balance from the overdraft charges after weeks of trying to speak to anyone that could rescind the OD charges. I'm almost done paying off a 0% BT on one card, and then I'll be closing both CCs I have with them. I'll never voluntarily do business with them again. unfortunately, my employer opted to change our corporate CCs from AmEx to this shithole. 

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 11, 2023 17:54:19 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

The problem is her english skills, hard to talk to her. And of course she chooses people that speak Russian to converse with. She is handicapping herself, you can only do so much to help. She will ask me to explain something than get mad because she doesn't get it. Or she will say I know, I know when you try to show her something, so she will not let anyone teach her. I think the same has happened in english classes.

Little guy has learned not to say anything back, I hope he isn't building resentment.
Maybe that's why he likes to be here, no chaos, meals on time, and peace. Hubs and I went through a lot till the kids were 13 with his drinking so I know chaos, it was awful.
Her sisters english skills are not the greatest but she works hard at her job at the VA and is doing ok. But she is a real worker also. They have different fathers and so they are different.

I hate to say it but DIL is extremely rude. I think she is now down to about 2 friends, she used to have quite a few. But after awhile they were b***ches for one reason or another. I don't understand and I've about quit trying.

Will share time with little guy and move on. I told him if he wants to spend time at home I will take him anytime he wants. He said nothing.

Ok, going to get over the drama and go plant my tomato and stain the porch and put my screening on the crawl space hole. Later all.

Well, not learning to speak and understand English better when you live in a country where that is the primary language spoken, is on her. Nothing you can do about that. You can try to learn a little Russian IF you want to and you think it might help the 2 of you communicate better. I’m not saying at all that I think you have to do that. 

Americans are an arrogant bunch, we think that wherever we go in the world, people should be able to communicate with us in the only language we understand, English. So I think the language barrier will continue to be an issue for her, because if Americans expect people in other countries to speak English to us, I don’t see a lot of Americans having much patience for her not being able to communicate effectively in English here. Of course, I am generally speaking, and I understand that not all Americans are anything like what I described, but I do believe there are enough like that, that life here will be difficult for her if she doesn’t learn to understand and speak English better. 

And if you can’t get along with ANYBODY long term, you should probably take a look in the mirror and consider that you are looking at the source of the problem. Like my Grandmother use to say “EVERYBODY ain’t gon lie on you”. So if everybody thinks you are difficult to get along with, it’s probably true.

[cooper88]

If the problem follows you around, you are the problem.

I forget where I first heard this, but it is so true.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 11, 2023 18:16:51 GMT -5 cooper88 said:

If the problem follows you around, you are the problem.

I forget where I first heard this, but it is so true.

I told my son when he first moved to Texas, that it was a chance for him to start over and be whoever he really wanted to be, since no one there knew him. But it required work on his part, because if you don’t put in work to change…. Wherever you go, there you are.

[MarionTh230]

Jul 11, 2023 17:36:00 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jul 11, 2023 17:04:35 GMT -5 MarionTh230 said:

CG mentioned that her son said DIL doesn't understand finances so he gets frustrated.  Which is why she offered to help.  Which is how she got in the middle of this mess.

Doesn't matter how frustrated he gets.  He needs to try again.  And again.  And again.  For as long as they remain husband and wife.  He picked her.  He married her.  He needs to keep trying until they understand each other or they decide to not be married to each other.  Having his mother explain finances to her DIL because everybody thinks DIL is overspending was a disaster waiting to happen.  There are entire portions of the internet dedicated to such horror stories.  It never ends well.

At the end of the day, CG should be enjoying her time with her DD and DGS.  Not dealing with grown adults who can't figure out how to get along because they are upset about money.  CG is going to worry herself sick if she keeps letting things go this way.  She shouldn't be worrying herself sick.  She should be hanging out with the DGS while she is there! 

I agree that CG should stay out of it. I assume her son didn’t marry a stupid woman, so even if she doesn’t understand credit cards and such, she should be able to understand basic math. If her husband sits down with her and show her what their net income is and their basic budget, she should be able to understand that. OTOH though, if she knows what their net income is, she might really get mad about the limits on her spending lol. But that is still something they need to work out between themselves.

As far as CG spending time with DGS while she is  there, I agree that that should be her focus and let the grown folks work their stuff out between themselves.

Somebody said authorities would be concerned about DGS having spent his summer in a trailer with his elderly grandmother and disabled Aunt, which seemed to me to be deliberately worded in a way to provoke a negative reaction to the circumstances. The “trailer” is not some seedy place, the “elderly” grandmother is not bedridden Orin such poor health that she can’t do fun stuff with her DGS, and the ”disabled Aunt” is not some crazy, needy person that DGS has to help take care of, or be wary of.

CG seems to enjoy getting out and about and doing things away from her home with DGS. It’s not like he’s just cooped up in the house with her and his Aunt. I think that’s good for CG, and good for DGS. They are making memories together. I never went to a summer camp when I was growing up, neither did my children. But me and my children have many, many fond memories of time spent with my Grandmother during the summer, and when my my Mom and I were working during the school year. Spending time at her house wasn’t a punishment, in hindsight, it was more of a blessing than I realized at the time when it was me hanging out with her.

When DGD1 was helping me find beans to pick a couple weeks ago, DD said she remembers doing that with my Grandmother, and helping her prepare them for storage. It was a happy memory for her. I want my grandchildren to have happy memories of time spent with me too. I live far enough away from them now, that it’s not really practical to see them every day or at least several times/week like we’d grown accustomed to, but we’re not nearly as far apart as CG is from her DGS.

So yes countrygirl2 , try to stay out of your son and DIL’s business, regardless of who you think is wrong or right. I wouldn’t necessarily tell my child not to vent to me if they really need to talk to someone they trust, but learning to just listen and not offer any feedback or advice is a good skill to have. Sometimes people just need to be heard, and I’m willing to have a listening ear with no feedback, for my children when they need it, unless they are talking about something really crazy or potentially harmful. Above all, keep in mind the reason you and your hubby bought that place, to spend more time with DGS. Just focus on that and leave the rest alone.

To the bolded part, theoretically, yes.  The problem is, CG comes across as a fixer.  You don't vent to fixers.  It's obvious she loves and cares about her DS, DIL, and DGS.  Very much so.  But, she also wants problems fixed and everybody to be happy.  When you vent to a fixer, it ends up turning into a problem solving session.  In other words, I am not seeing where she has the skill to just listen without offering advice.  Because that was how she ended up here - she offered to her DS to talk to her DIL.  If she can learn to listen without offering advice, then yes, this may be an option.

There's also an issue where when your children are old enough and have created a life of their own, 1,000 miles away with a lifetime partner and a child.  When you vent to your parent about that partner - the one you have chosen to spend your life with; the one that is the other parent of your child - then it can turn into a situation where your parent is now poisoned against your partner.  And there can be a low level resentment that brews underneath.  In other words, all those little things you complained about are now always in the back of your parent's mind so it influences them subconsciously in how they treat your partner.  I'm going to be real honest and say, if Kiddo was venting to me about their life partner that they had a child with, it would be real hard for that to not influence the way I then interacted with that partner.  I'm not sure I'm a good enough person to just park all that in the back of my brain and ignore it.  Granted, other people are indeed better people than I am and can actually park it in the back of their brain.  It is just very hard for most people is all.

At the end of the day, people are really complicated.  And sometimes life is a heck of a lot messier than we want it to be.  But, despite the messiness, we have to find ways to interact with the people we love and make the relationships work.  Relationships are a lot of work.  Especially when you didn't pick the person.  CG didn't pick her DIL.  Her son picked her.  And CG has to find ways to make the relationship work.  

[giramomma]

Jul 11, 2023 14:20:39 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

I'm not sure this was a good move.

I doubt I end up here for long, don't think this is going to work.

Honestly, I think you are being premature and rash.

It's going to take some time to figure this out.

And, it's especially hard on you, because I'm betting you don't know what to do with yourself. There's less to clean/declutter in the place in WA. I'm betting you don't have a sewing machine or a very minimal fabric stash. You don't have the yard, the flowers, the rental houses.

Do you even have a library card in WA?

You are going to need to find your stride, in WA....for yourself. Your interests, activities, support.

You can't just make the move about your grandkid and your son. You need other things.

And, honestly, isn't this what you've wanted? For like, ever? To be in a place that allows you to have a life without all the cleaning, maintaining, etc?

My inlaws have been 10 minutes away for about 15 years now. Their lives do not revolve around ours. Ours do not revolve around them.  I had a lovely chat with them today for about 45 minutes. Kids weren't around. DH was at work. I may not see them for another month.

[MarionTh230]

Jul 11, 2023 18:11:58 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jul 11, 2023 17:54:19 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

The problem is her english skills, hard to talk to her. And of course she chooses people that speak Russian to converse with. She is handicapping herself, you can only do so much to help. She will ask me to explain something than get mad because she doesn't get it. Or she will say I know, I know when you try to show her something, so she will not let anyone teach her. I think the same has happened in english classes.

Little guy has learned not to say anything back, I hope he isn't building resentment.
Maybe that's why he likes to be here, no chaos, meals on time, and peace. Hubs and I went through a lot till the kids were 13 with his drinking so I know chaos, it was awful.
Her sisters english skills are not the greatest but she works hard at her job at the VA and is doing ok. But she is a real worker also. They have different fathers and so they are different.

I hate to say it but DIL is extremely rude. I think she is now down to about 2 friends, she used to have quite a few. But after awhile they were b***ches for one reason or another. I don't understand and I've about quit trying.

Will share time with little guy and move on. I told him if he wants to spend time at home I will take him anytime he wants. He said nothing.

Ok, going to get over the drama and go plant my tomato and stain the porch and put my screening on the crawl space hole. Later all.

Well, not learning to speak and understand English better when you live in a country where that is the primary language spoken, is on her. Nothing you can do about that. You can try to learn a little Russian IF you want to and you think it might help the 2 of you communicate better. I’m not saying at all that I think you have to do that. 

Americans are an arrogant bunch, we think that wherever we go in the world, people should be able to communicate with us in the only language we understand, English. So I think the language barrier will continue to be an issue for her, because if Americans expect people in other countries to speak English to us, I don’t see a lot of Americans having much patience for her not being able to communicate effectively in English here. Of course, I am generally speaking, and I understand that not all Americans are anything like what I described, but I do believe there are enough like that, that life here will be difficult for her if she doesn’t learn to understand and speak English better. 

And if you can’t get along with ANYBODY long term, you should probably take a look in the mirror and consider that you are looking at the source of the problem. Like my Grandmother use to say “EVERYBODY ain’t gon lie on you”. So if everybody thinks you are difficult to get along with, it’s probably true.

What's long term though?  They lived in Korea.  Then the East Coast.  Now the West Coast.  The DIL followed her DH everywhere for his job.  How many long term friends does she actually have given how much they have moved?

Let me be clear here, I'm not saying DIL is in the right or CG is in the wrong.  Not at all.  What I am saying is that if you look at this from DIL's perspective, her life freaking sucks.  Her DH and MIL chastising her for money.  Moving every so many years.  Living in a country you didn't grow up in.  A kid who would rather stay with his grandparents than stay at home.  None of that can be easy.  A SAHM with no skills and no understanding of the family finances?  Because her husband was too frustrated to explain the family budget to her?  Beholden to your in-laws for money (there has been money exchanging hands that CG has mentioned over the years) and child care (no mention of regular play dates, camps, day care, after school care, etc).  I've said before, for all I know the woman could be off her rocker. I don't know. But, even for the average person, that's a lot to deal with.

I don't think CG needs to understand her DIL.  Trying to understand her or make her into something you want to be or trying to be BFF's or whatever - not necessary.  She is the wife of CG's DS and the mother of CG's DGS.  Whether she understands her or thinks she's rude or thinks she's depressed or whatever, CG has to find a way to maintain a respectful relationship.  They didn't pick each other.  For all intents and purposes they are stuck with each other.  CG has to find a ways to make it work.  Whether it's fair or not.  Whether or not it's more work than it should be.  None of that matters.  The relationship has to work because there is a child involved.  And that may mean extending her DIL a heck of a lot more grace than she would the average person on the street.

I think if CG comes at this from the angle of trying to just have a respectful relationship without being BFF's or having mutual understanding of the meaning of life - then it'll work out ok for them.

[MarionTh230]

Jul 11, 2023 18:31:12 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jul 11, 2023 14:20:39 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

I'm not sure this was a good move.

I doubt I end up here for long, don't think this is going to work.

Honestly, I think you are being premature and rash.

It's going to take some time to figure this out.

And, it's especially hard on you, because I'm betting you don't know what to do with yourself. There's less to clean/declutter in the place in WA. I'm betting you don't have a sewing machine or a very minimal fabric stash. You don't have the yard, the flowers, the rental houses.

Do you even have a library card in WA?

You are going to need to find your stride, in WA....for yourself. Your interests, activities, support.

You can't just make the move about your grandkid and your son. You need other things.

And, honestly, isn't this what you've wanted? For like, ever? To be in a place that allows you to have a life without all the cleaning, maintaining, etc?

My inlaws have been 10 minutes away for about 15 years now. Their lives do not revolve around ours. Ours do not revolve around them.  I had a lovely chat with them today for about 45 minutes. Kids weren't around. DH was at work. I may not see them for another month.

I think she is being premature and rash too.  But, I also think she uses us as her sounding board.  To kind of get it all out.  Because there aren't really a lot of people in real life that she can kind of her brain out too?  I think CG will find her way with this.  It'll just take some time.  I hope so anyways.

[giramomma]

It went. Some parts were good, some were a little oh my. Overall, I feel as good as I did with my other 2nd interview, where I think I was one of the top candidates.

Lots of positive feedback, smiles, nods etc. I'll know within a week.

So I just looked at my stats:

I've applied for 10 jobs in the past year.

Four of those 10 rejected me outright. One was due to budget cuts. So.That's OK.

I got 6 first interviews and 3 second interviews. 2/3rds of the second interview occurred after I worked with career services.

If nothing else, at least I'm on the right track.

I'm giving myself the rest of the week to relax. Then I'll start looking postings again.

[MarionTh230]

Thing number 1,372,458 on the list of things I never thought I'd have to say until I had a kid: No, don’t put the brush in your hair after you used it to brush the dog    Thank goodness I caught her in time.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Got out my boring charcoal blazer. Hate dressing conservative.

We'll see what happens.

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 11, 2023 18:29:54 GMT -5 MarionTh230 said:

Jul 11, 2023 17:36:00 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I agree that CG should stay out of it. I assume her son didn’t marry a stupid woman, so even if she doesn’t understand credit cards and such, she should be able to understand basic math. If her husband sits down with her and show her what their net income is and their basic budget, she should be able to understand that. OTOH though, if she knows what their net income is, she might really get mad about the limits on her spending lol. But that is still something they need to work out between themselves.

As far as CG spending time with DGS while she is  there, I agree that that should be her focus and let the grown folks work their stuff out between themselves.

Somebody said authorities would be concerned about DGS having spent his summer in a trailer with his elderly grandmother and disabled Aunt, which seemed to me to be deliberately worded in a way to provoke a negative reaction to the circumstances. The “trailer” is not some seedy place, the “elderly” grandmother is not bedridden Orin such poor health that she can’t do fun stuff with her DGS, and the ”disabled Aunt” is not some crazy, needy person that DGS has to help take care of, or be wary of.

CG seems to enjoy getting out and about and doing things away from her home with DGS. It’s not like he’s just cooped up in the house with her and his Aunt. I think that’s good for CG, and good for DGS. They are making memories together. I never went to a summer camp when I was growing up, neither did my children. But me and my children have many, many fond memories of time spent with my Grandmother during the summer, and when my my Mom and I were working during the school year. Spending time at her house wasn’t a punishment, in hindsight, it was more of a blessing than I realized at the time when it was me hanging out with her.

When DGD1 was helping me find beans to pick a couple weeks ago, DD said she remembers doing that with my Grandmother, and helping her prepare them for storage. It was a happy memory for her. I want my grandchildren to have happy memories of time spent with me too. I live far enough away from them now, that it’s not really practical to see them every day or at least several times/week like we’d grown accustomed to, but we’re not nearly as far apart as CG is from her DGS.

So yes countrygirl2 , try to stay out of your son and DIL’s business, regardless of who you think is wrong or right. I wouldn’t necessarily tell my child not to vent to me if they really need to talk to someone they trust, but learning to just listen and not offer any feedback or advice is a good skill to have. Sometimes people just need to be heard, and I’m willing to have a listening ear with no feedback, for my children when they need it, unless they are talking about something really crazy or potentially harmful. Above all, keep in mind the reason you and your hubby bought that place, to spend more time with DGS. Just focus on that and leave the rest alone.

To the bolded part, theoretically, yes.  The problem is, CG comes across as a fixer.  You don't vent to fixers.  It's obvious she loves and cares about her DS, DIL, and DGS.  Very much so.  But, she also wants problems fixed and everybody to be happy.  When you vent to a fixer, it ends up turning into a problem solving session.  In other words, I am not seeing where she has the skill to just listen without offering advice.  Because that was how she ended up here - she offered to her DS to talk to her DIL.  If she can learn to listen without offering advice, then yes, this may be an option.

There's also an issue where when your children are old enough and have created a life of their own, 1,000 miles away with a lifetime partner and a child.  When you vent to your parent about that partner - the one you have chosen to spend your life with; the one that is the other parent of your child - then it can turn into a situation where your parent is now poisoned against your partner.  And there can be a low level resentment that brews underneath.  In other words, all those little things you complained about are now always in the back of your parent's mind so it influences them subconsciously in how they treat your partner.  I'm going to be real honest and say, if Kiddo was venting to me about their life partner that they had a child with, it would be real hard for that to not influence the way I then interacted with that partner.  I'm not sure I'm a good enough person to just park all that in the back of my brain and ignore it.  Granted, other people are indeed better people than I am and can actually park it in the back of their brain.  It is just very hard for most people is all.

At the end of the day, people are really complicated.  And sometimes life is a heck of a lot messier than we want it to be.  But, despite the messiness, we have to find ways to interact with the people we love and make the relationships work.  Relationships are a lot of work.  Especially when you didn't pick the person.  CG didn't pick her DIL.  Her son picked her.  And CG has to find ways to make the relationship work.  

I am a fixer too. One of the things I learned years ago in therapy was that my DD didn’t even have to ask me to help her solve a problem, all she had to do was tell me about the problem, and off I went trying to fix it for her. It was pointed out to me in a counseling session where DD and I were kind of at odds, but then started to cry, and then the only thing that mattered to me was trying to comfort DD and fix things so she wouldn’t cry. And the counselor stopped me and nailed it when she said it looked like that was a pattern.

That was one of the most powerful and helpful moments I got out of all the different counselors I dealt with when my children were teenagers, and she wasn’t even the one I spent a few years and a lot of money seeking help from. And even after all these years, I still have to catch myself sometimes, and just listen. Or ask, so what are you going to do, instead of trying to fix things myself.

It really is a necessary skill that fixers need to learn. 

I’ve had loved ones, including my children, be involved with people that I felt some type of way about. But when that person is a choice, I’ll listen until I get to the point where I’m like “just holla at me when you’re REALLY tired of it and ready to move on”. DD’s relationship with DGD1’s Dad was an abusive one. Yes, I would go get her when things got crazy. My brother got wind of it and called me, and asked me about him, I wouldn’t tell him anything because I didn’t want my brother to get caught up doing anything crazy. When I wouldn’t answer his questions, he told me all the answers to his questions, letting me know he’d already learned who he was and what gang he was affiliated with. I practically begged my brother to just leave it alone because no matter what he or I might have done to this boy, my daughter still wasn’t going to leave him until SHE had enough and was ready. I couldn’t fix that for her, neither could my brother, all I could do was be there to provide a safe place for her to come to when she was ready. There was no point in me or my brother risking going to jail when there was a good chance that DD would still just go right back to him. And make no mistake, there are definitely some things I’m willing to go to jail for, so that wasn’t what stopped me from handling him myself.

When she did finally leave him and was back in my home, his Mom called me one afternoon, after he’d been sitting in his car in front of my house that morning. I was getting my hair done and my hair dresser was shocked and appalled that I calmly and matter of factly told her that I had no control over him being on my street, but if her son came to my door bothering my daughter, I was going to kill him. And I meant it.

So even with all the messiness of life and the people we love, even a fixer can learn. And that was me actually doing better, even though it probably doesn’t sound like it lol.

To be honest, many fixers actually have poor boundaries, and it would serve them and their loved ones well to learn better boundaries. But again, that’s just my opinion. 

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 11, 2023 18:41:59 GMT -5 MarionTh230 said:

Jul 11, 2023 18:11:58 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Well, not learning to speak and understand English better when you live in a country where that is the primary language spoken, is on her. Nothing you can do about that. You can try to learn a little Russian IF you want to and you think it might help the 2 of you communicate better. I’m not saying at all that I think you have to do that. 

Americans are an arrogant bunch, we think that wherever we go in the world, people should be able to communicate with us in the only language we understand, English. So I think the language barrier will continue to be an issue for her, because if Americans expect people in other countries to speak English to us, I don’t see a lot of Americans having much patience for her not being able to communicate effectively in English here. Of course, I am generally speaking, and I understand that not all Americans are anything like what I described, but I do believe there are enough like that, that life here will be difficult for her if she doesn’t learn to understand and speak English better. 

And if you can’t get along with ANYBODY long term, you should probably take a look in the mirror and consider that you are looking at the source of the problem. Like my Grandmother use to say “EVERYBODY ain’t gon lie on you”. So if everybody thinks you are difficult to get along with, it’s probably true.

What's long term though?  They lived in Korea.  Then the East Coast.  Now the West Coast.  The DIL followed her DH everywhere for his job.  How many long term friends does she actually have given how much they have moved?

Let me be clear here, I'm not saying DIL is in the right or CG is in the wrong.  Not at all.  What I am saying is that if you look at this from DIL's perspective, her life freaking sucks.  Her DH and MIL chastising her for money.  Moving every so many years.  Living in a country you didn't grow up in.  A kid who would rather stay with his grandparents than stay at home.  None of that can be easy.  A SAHM with no skills and no understanding of the family finances?  Because her husband was too frustrated to explain the family budget to her?  Beholden to your in-laws for money (there has been money exchanging hands that CG has mentioned over the years) and child care (no mention of regular play dates, camps, day care, after school care, etc).  I've said before, for all I know the woman could be off her rocker. I don't know. But, even for the average person, that's a lot to deal with.

I don't think CG needs to understand her DIL.  Trying to understand her or make her into something you want to be or trying to be BFF's or whatever - not necessary.  She is the wife of CG's DS and the mother of CG's DGS.  Whether she understands her or thinks she's rude or thinks she's depressed or whatever, CG has to find a way to maintain a respectful relationship.  They didn't pick each other.  For all intents and purposes they are stuck with each other.  CG has to find a ways to make it work.  Whether it's fair or not.  Whether or not it's more work than it should be.  None of that matters.  The relationship has to work because there is a child involved.  And that may mean extending her DIL a heck of a lot more grace than she would the average person on the street.

I think if CG comes at this from the angle of trying to just have a respectful relationship without being BFF's or having mutual understanding of the meaning of life - then it'll work out ok for them.

We’re on the same side. I said in a post yesterday that the DIL could probably use a little grace from everybody that’s on the outside looking in. Which includes CG.

[giramomma]

Jul 11, 2023 19:10:26 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Got out my boring charcoal blazer. Hate dressing conservative.

We'll see what happens.

You'll knock em dead!

[MarionTh230]

Jul 11, 2023 19:16:48 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jul 11, 2023 18:41:59 GMT -5 MarionTh230 said:

What's long term though?  They lived in Korea.  Then the East Coast.  Now the West Coast.  The DIL followed her DH everywhere for his job.  How many long term friends does she actually have given how much they have moved?

Let me be clear here, I'm not saying DIL is in the right or CG is in the wrong.  Not at all.  What I am saying is that if you look at this from DIL's perspective, her life freaking sucks.  Her DH and MIL chastising her for money.  Moving every so many years.  Living in a country you didn't grow up in.  A kid who would rather stay with his grandparents than stay at home.  None of that can be easy.  A SAHM with no skills and no understanding of the family finances?  Because her husband was too frustrated to explain the family budget to her?  Beholden to your in-laws for money (there has been money exchanging hands that CG has mentioned over the years) and child care (no mention of regular play dates, camps, day care, after school care, etc).  I've said before, for all I know the woman could be off her rocker. I don't know. But, even for the average person, that's a lot to deal with.

I don't think CG needs to understand her DIL.  Trying to understand her or make her into something you want to be or trying to be BFF's or whatever - not necessary.  She is the wife of CG's DS and the mother of CG's DGS.  Whether she understands her or thinks she's rude or thinks she's depressed or whatever, CG has to find a way to maintain a respectful relationship.  They didn't pick each other.  For all intents and purposes they are stuck with each other.  CG has to find a ways to make it work.  Whether it's fair or not.  Whether or not it's more work than it should be.  None of that matters.  The relationship has to work because there is a child involved.  And that may mean extending her DIL a heck of a lot more grace than she would the average person on the street.

I think if CG comes at this from the angle of trying to just have a respectful relationship without being BFF's or having mutual understanding of the meaning of life - then it'll work out ok for them.

We’re on the same side. I said in a post yesterday that the DIL could probably use a little grace from everybody that’s on the outside looking in. Which includes CG.

Yes, we are.  I apologize for not being clear about that    I only used your post as sort of a jumping off point.  Because CG does love her family and I think once she's done downloading her brain and processing her feelings, she will be able to look at this from a more logical angle.  And part of that is recognizing that DIL's life isn't as easy as it looks from the outside.  Your post was just really good and made a lot of good points is all.

[MarionTh230]

Jul 11, 2023 19:20:17 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jul 11, 2023 19:10:26 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Got out my boring charcoal blazer. Hate dressing conservative.

We'll see what happens.

You'll knock em dead!

Yes, she will!

[MarionTh230]

Jul 11, 2023 19:13:28 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Jul 11, 2023 18:29:54 GMT -5 MarionTh230 said:

To the bolded part, theoretically, yes.  The problem is, CG comes across as a fixer.  You don't vent to fixers.  It's obvious she loves and cares about her DS, DIL, and DGS.  Very much so.  But, she also wants problems fixed and everybody to be happy.  When you vent to a fixer, it ends up turning into a problem solving session.  In other words, I am not seeing where she has the skill to just listen without offering advice.  Because that was how she ended up here - she offered to her DS to talk to her DIL.  If she can learn to listen without offering advice, then yes, this may be an option.

There's also an issue where when your children are old enough and have created a life of their own, 1,000 miles away with a lifetime partner and a child.  When you vent to your parent about that partner - the one you have chosen to spend your life with; the one that is the other parent of your child - then it can turn into a situation where your parent is now poisoned against your partner.  And there can be a low level resentment that brews underneath.  In other words, all those little things you complained about are now always in the back of your parent's mind so it influences them subconsciously in how they treat your partner.  I'm going to be real honest and say, if Kiddo was venting to me about their life partner that they had a child with, it would be real hard for that to not influence the way I then interacted with that partner.  I'm not sure I'm a good enough person to just park all that in the back of my brain and ignore it.  Granted, other people are indeed better people than I am and can actually park it in the back of their brain.  It is just very hard for most people is all.

At the end of the day, people are really complicated.  And sometimes life is a heck of a lot messier than we want it to be.  But, despite the messiness, we have to find ways to interact with the people we love and make the relationships work.  Relationships are a lot of work.  Especially when you didn't pick the person.  CG didn't pick her DIL.  Her son picked her.  And CG has to find ways to make the relationship work.  

I am a fixer too. One of the things I learned years ago in therapy was that my DD didn’t even have to ask me to help her solve a problem, all she had to do was tell me about the problem, and off I went trying to fix it for her. It was pointed out to me in a counseling session where DD and I were kind of at odds, but then started to cry, and then the only thing that mattered to me was trying to comfort DD and fix things so she wouldn’t cry. And the counselor stopped me and nailed it when she said it looked like that was a pattern.

That was one of the most powerful and helpful moments I got out of all the different counselors I dealt with when my children were teenagers, and she wasn’t even the one I spent a few years and a lot of money seeking help from. And even after all these years, I still have to catch myself sometimes, and just listen. Or ask, so what are you going to do, instead of trying to fix things myself.

It really is a necessary skill that fixers need to learn. 

I’ve had loved ones, including my children, be involved with people that I felt some type of way about. But when that person is a choice, I’ll listen until I get to the point where I’m like “just holla at me when you’re REALLY tired of it and ready to move on”. DD’s relationship with DGD1’s Dad was an abusive one. Yes, I would go get her when things got crazy. My brother got wind of it and called me, and asked me about him, I wouldn’t tell him anything because I didn’t want my brother to get caught up doing anything crazy. When I wouldn’t answer his questions, he told me all the answers to his questions, letting me know he’d already learned who he was and what gang he was affiliated with. I practically begged my brother to just leave it alone because no matter what he or I might have done to this boy, my daughter still wasn’t going to leave him until SHE had enough and was ready. I couldn’t fix that for her, neither could my brother, all I could do was be there to provide a safe place for her to come to when she was ready. There was no point in me or my brother risking going to jail when there was a good chance that DD would still just go right back to him. And make no mistake, there are definitely some things I’m willing to go to jail for, so that wasn’t what stopped me from handling him myself.

When she did finally leave him and was back in my home, his Mom called me one afternoon, after he’d been sitting in his car in front of my house that morning. I was getting my hair done and my hair dresser was shocked and appalled that I calmly and matter of factly told her that I had no control over him being on my street, but if her son came to my door bothering my daughter, I was going to kill him. And I meant it.

So even with all the messiness of life and the people we love, even a fixer can learn. And that was me actually doing better, even though it probably doesn’t sound like it lol.

To be honest, many fixers actually have poor boundaries, and it would serve them and their loved ones well to learn better boundaries. But again, that’s just my opinion. 

There's a lot of information/therories on why people become fixers.  But, now that I have a kid, I'm finding that mothering in and of itself, tends to lend itself to the fixer mode.  I don't know if that is societal or more of this innate need to protect our children?  But, is sure is hard when your own kid is involved.  That is for sure.

[Deleted]

I never had a kid; I never had a chance to be a kid.  So maybe I place too much value on kids, but to me they are the most important thing in the equation of adult relationships.  Yet far too often they are just pawns in the power games that adults play around them, tug-of-war toys in stupid proxy fights about clothing and haircuts and athletic pursuits.  And they are damaged by this.  The damage often doesn't show up for years, but it's there, deep and long-lasting, carrying over to their own relationships as adults.  Most survive and go on to be at least semi-functional adults; some go other directions.  

[Pink Cashmere]

Jul 11, 2023 19:27:08 GMT -5 MarionTh230 said:

Jul 11, 2023 19:13:28 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I am a fixer too. One of the things I learned years ago in therapy was that my DD didn’t even have to ask me to help her solve a problem, all she had to do was tell me about the problem, and off I went trying to fix it for her. It was pointed out to me in a counseling session where DD and I were kind of at odds, but then started to cry, and then the only thing that mattered to me was trying to comfort DD and fix things so she wouldn’t cry. And the counselor stopped me and nailed it when she said it looked like that was a pattern.

That was one of the most powerful and helpful moments I got out of all the different counselors I dealt with when my children were teenagers, and she wasn’t even the one I spent a few years and a lot of money seeking help from. And even after all these years, I still have to catch myself sometimes, and just listen. Or ask, so what are you going to do, instead of trying to fix things myself.

It really is a necessary skill that fixers need to learn. 

I’ve had loved ones, including my children, be involved with people that I felt some type of way about. But when that person is a choice, I’ll listen until I get to the point where I’m like “just holla at me when you’re REALLY tired of it and ready to move on”. DD’s relationship with DGD1’s Dad was an abusive one. Yes, I would go get her when things got crazy. My brother got wind of it and called me, and asked me about him, I wouldn’t tell him anything because I didn’t want my brother to get caught up doing anything crazy. When I wouldn’t answer his questions, he told me all the answers to his questions, letting me know he’d already learned who he was and what gang he was affiliated with. I practically begged my brother to just leave it alone because no matter what he or I might have done to this boy, my daughter still wasn’t going to leave him until SHE had enough and was ready. I couldn’t fix that for her, neither could my brother, all I could do was be there to provide a safe place for her to come to when she was ready. There was no point in me or my brother risking going to jail when there was a good chance that DD would still just go right back to him. And make no mistake, there are definitely some things I’m willing to go to jail for, so that wasn’t what stopped me from handling him myself.

When she did finally leave him and was back in my home, his Mom called me one afternoon, after he’d been sitting in his car in front of my house that morning. I was getting my hair done and my hair dresser was shocked and appalled that I calmly and matter of factly told her that I had no control over him being on my street, but if her son came to my door bothering my daughter, I was going to kill him. And I meant it.

So even with all the messiness of life and the people we love, even a fixer can learn. And that was me actually doing better, even though it probably doesn’t sound like it lol.

To be honest, many fixers actually have poor boundaries, and it would serve them and their loved ones well to learn better boundaries. But again, that’s just my opinion. 

There's a lot of information/therories on why people become fixers.  But, now that I have a kid, I'm finding that mothering in and of itself, tends to lend itself to the fixer mode.  I don't know if that is societal or more of this innate need to protect our children?  But, is sure is hard when your own kid is involved.  That is for sure.

What I’ve learned from this board even though my children were in their late teens when I found this community, is that it’s ok to let your children suffer the natural consequences of bad decisions, as long as it’s not something that will ruin their lives forever if you just let it be a learning experience.

I was 19yo when DD was born. I don’t feel like I was a horrible parent, because I was all about my children being my first priority and trying to always do whatever was best for them. But I did make some mistakes, not because of a lack of love for them, I loved them more than anyone or anything on this earth, but out of ignorance and just not knowing any better. I would be a very different kind of parent these days, I am wiser and have a stronger sense of self, where I would not rely as much on how I was raised. But I better NOT have a baby to test all that lol.

[Deleted]

We went to a wonderful wine dinner tonight at our favorite restaurant.  The food was incredible and I enjoyed the wine pairings while DH just had a cocktail.  I am grateful that our earlier financial sacrifices and planning afford us the ability to be comfortable with enjoyable activities and travel, and recognize many aren't that fortunate

[countrygirl2]

UHh, let me clarify a few things. DIL was coming to the US hell or high water, so son found a way to do it.She couldn't find doctors, the army was moving out of that base, a bunch changed about paying for housing and such, but I imagine son would have stayed in Korea, he liked it there. They ended up in Watertown, then she decided that it was come to Washington and she was going to or else, she hated NY, before that hated Korea, people were a holes there. I was there and people were extremely polite from what I saw.

She had little guy in a Korean daycare downstairs in the building soon as he could walk. Son paid $400 a month for that. The 6 months she was in Indiana she was having him in daycare or else, so son paid for that. No reason, we were both home, well they do that in Russia. Finally she wasn't happy with it so they said that was ok, they had working mothers waiting in line for it. She tried to get him in daycare in NY. She wasn't trying to work.

Son told her when they moved here or before that he was not moving again, he pulled strings to do it from what I understand. So that is why he moved, wasn't him, was her.

But he did it. I think he is a nervous wreck, a high stress job and a high stress wife, he has his nails chewed to the quick. Again not saying he is perfect, he NEVER complains to me about her nor did he his first wife, this one complains to me. One time she started in on their sex life, I said whoa, this is not something a mother is interested in and I don't want to hear it, I shut that down.

And yes I do have a sewing machine and a serger here. I brought some fabric when hubs came and a bunch of patterns. But so far haven't had time to sew.

I also have grandsons rod and reel out to get it set up. We will go fishing either this week or next, I'm going to find things for us to do several times a week.

I couldn't nail my screening up, the bottom board is hardy plank so for now taped it. I stained the front porch and ran out with about an 1/8 of a board to go. But it needs it all around the edges and a second coat so I need to buy another quart, it will go further this time.

Now out to plant my big tomato plant and see if I can scrape some more paint off. The maintenance man waves at me when I'm out working, LOL!

[countrygirl2]

Well, I told son to sit down with his wife when I called him this morning and explain finances or where the money is going.

He just called me and said they did, sounds like she listened this time as to where their money is going.

He said this month was bad because he had eye surgery, all their insurance came due and everything at once, he said when he looked at his checking balance it was only $800 and he panicked. He said his pay was deposited today, but he couldn't believe that was all that was in it.

He said they went over their finances and he said they looked at everything, he said he never paid attention to food costs before because he was not about to cut costs on food. He said this time they did and found they spent $2500 last month for food, I said WHAT! He said they couldn't believe it either. He said they both went over all the costs and now know what they are spending. She was in a better mood and decided she will go with us tomorrow. So maybe with all my anxiety over this I did some good after all. I was worried I had said something wrong.

So son called and said everything is ok, they went over why he was worried and all is well. They have money in savings extra but like he said I take it out and even with working I never get it back. I need to add up food costs too since being here, I bet its awful, but it is the same back home. I have been trying not to look at it too.

So it sounds like they finally communicated, he explained why he was worried and she now understands more about their money situation. And they made sure I wasn't worried about them. He knows I worry. So all sounds so much better.

But thank you all for listening and not being too judgmental, like I said I try not to meddle and I try to be nice to both of them. But they need to communicate with each other.

Ok, out to plant my tomato and fix us dinner.

[mollyanna58]

Jul 11, 2023 14:15:55 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Jul 11, 2023 13:59:36 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

Billy Clubs
Carry On Bags: No
Checked Bags: Yes


Who walks around with a billy club much less flies on an airplane with one!
I should stay home!

I want to know why they specify lawn mowers are not allowed as carry ons.

I also noticed they do not say I cannot have an emotional support tiger with me on the plane. 

Your Emotional Support Tiger has to fit under the seat. Better go first class.

[chiver78]

I'm astounded I'm still awake at this hour. I'm in bed, The Departed is on Paramount amd the sleep timer is set.

[Deleted]

Jul 11, 2023 20:09:02 GMT -5 mollyanna58 said:

Jul 11, 2023 14:15:55 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I want to know why they specify lawn mowers are not allowed as carry ons.

I also noticed they do not say I cannot have an emotional support tiger with me on the plane. 

Your Emotional Support Tiger has to fit under the seat. Better go first class.

For the record, I would rather sit next to an Emotional Support Tiger or any other animal than most humans.  No animal has ever snored, spilled a drink on me, fallen asleep with their arm in my lap, or stepped on me while headed to the bathroom.  And they definitely smell better than some travelers