Addiction and Christmas and problems.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Keeping this off the kid's thread I've done enough bitching on there.   Mad at DH again we're on day 3 of yet another withdraw and like every time he's the biggest  fucking jerk on the planet.   I am so done with this, this is the last time.  I told him pick to be an addict and lose everything or choose to be sober and stay sober.  I  am tired of this game and don't want to play anymore.   Just set me free in either direction already.

Now we had a fight over the resurtant.  He doesn't want to work there anymore, he constantly bitches about it and sounds an awful lot like my brother.  So I told him have the damn balls to quit then.   It's hurting my feelings to listen to him dog on it and the last thing I want to do anymore is work with him.

So dad called tonight and rather than say no he didn't want to work he engaged in phone tag which leaves me in a bad position. I told DH I am not lying tomorrow I am going to say you screened the call.   Be a man and say you don't want to come out if it bothers you that damn bad.  Stop with the passive aggressive shit.

I'm just done.  Go ahead and implode your own life I've separated enough from you at this point that I would survive the final cut just fine.  I don't really want to but I can't do this anymore.   It's taken over too much of my life it distracts me from the kids, it distracts me from my job and it shits all over the good stuff in my life.  He can go shit on someone else's life for a change.

[buystoys]

Hugs, DQ.  It's hard being married to an addict.  You can't have your own life. 

I'm here to listen if you want to talk.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

You really can't.   And the thing is even if we divorced he's still my kids' father.  He is not so far gone/bad that I would ever deny him custody of the kids.   So I am still stuck dealing with it.

I don't regret having the kids at all they are the two most important things in my life.   At the same time though if someone had given me a crystal ball at 25 I may have rethought my stance on marriage.   I was such an idiot to think that I understood ANYTHING about what I was getting myself into.

After 11 years of marriage the majority of which he has been using in some fashion I am tired and want out.   I told him I'll give him the chance to pick but it's HIS choice and he has to own it.   I'm done playing this game we've been playing I am taking myself off the board.  I am done reacting and it's time to live my life even if it's without him.

I also told him the reason I am "not supportive/understanding" is we have been doing this shit for what feels like an eternity.  I don't have anything left to give and I am not falling for yet another carefully crafted passion play on his part so he can wiggle free and kick the can down the road a few more years.

We didn't even make it six months.   If things don't change for real in the next half of the year i'm done.  I am not going to spend another year of my life doing this crap.  It's already cost me I am just damn lucky it didn't cost me as much as it could have.  I'm not waiting around to see what other damage this could wreak.  He needs to make his choice and own it.

[Deleted]

NomoreDramaQ1015 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I keep asking myself what I am getting out of this situation.  I don't feel like I get much companionship.  I don't have a partner in life.  Is it I get attention from people for my plight?   Am I addicted to the drama of it?   Is it I get to be a martyr?

I am having a harder time figuring what what I get.  I really do honestly love DH with all my heart and it'd break to have to divorce but that doesn't really seem worth sticking around over anymore.

IDK what I think or feel anymore.  All I know is I am done with it all.   I am done with this, done being  mother, done with being a good worker bee surrounded by drama (at BOTH jobs), I am done being a daughter/sister.  I am done with this whole fucking pandemic thing.   I want out of life all together.

[wvugurl26]

I'm sorry drama. You've tried hard and seem very dedicated to your family. He just doesn't seem to want to stay sober.

[empress of self-improvement]

I'm sorry Drama.  Feel free to send him to me and I'll whip his ass into shape. We're the same age and I'm the recovering addict (alcoholic) and I have no qualms about working him over, if you'd like.

[giramomma]

May 8, 2020 18:58:05 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

 I want out of life all together.

Indeed, Amen, and all of that.

I'm sorry you are dealing with another relapse. It sucks.

Addiction just sucks.

[Works4me]

It's been a long time but I still remember all of it. When I hit that point, I was done and just wanted out. Life was no longer worth living as the wife of a practicing alcoholic. He's a periodic drinker and the more time that went by between episodes the more uptight I got. Driving home each day I'd wonder if today was the day he'd fall off the wagon.

I also understand the part about loving him with all your heart. I recently realized that I still love my ex and I always will and that's okay. It's taken me a long time to love fully again and I still have occasional trust issues. It's not by accident that I never remarried and it's taken me until now to be ready.

The one thing I would never do was date a clean and sober addict of any kind. I just could not go there again. I never want to trust my heart, my happiness, my life to an addict and I'm okay with that. Plus it brings out all of my co-dependency issues.

It also helps that I've known my current SO for several years. He's been patient, kind and understanding as we've taken things very slowly. I still ask him way to often if everything is okay or if he's and at me but I'm getting better.

My one recommendation is to get help so that you don't make the same mistakes again. Over the years, I'd start and then stop therapy when things were going better. This time I'm ready. I've been a serial monogamist over the years and have been pleasantly surprised that there are a lot of good men out there.

[finnime]

I really hope he hears and understands that you're done, Drama; that this is the last time. My ex was/is an alcoholic. Nothing short of divorce got through to him, although there were other problems, too. Addicts make lousy parents, too, IME. Strength to you and peace to your daughters.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I told him if he doesn't want to be sober that's fine  but freaking own it so we can divorce and move on with our lives.   You can be with your one true love and I can move on.   Neither one of us are happy if you're married to someone who won't allow you to use and I don't want to be with someone who isn't sober.

OR get off your fucking ass and choose to be sober because it IS a choice.   I am so tired of the excuse that this is a "mental illness".   Well yeah it is to an extent but human beings are also capable of rational though and choosing to change our actions.  Stop being Randy Marsh in South Park for fuck's sake.   That's what I didn't like about the One World Therapist there was too much emphasis on "you can't help who you are" and all that does for someone like DH is enable him.

I told him we both know where our marriage is headed and we are now racing to the finish line.  

I am DONE if we divorce. I don't want anything to do with men after this.  Maybe an occassional fling but I don't want a relationship.  If I am going to constantly feel alone and lonely all the time I might as well actually BE alone.   I don't want to be responsible for anyone else's baggage or emotional crap.   I'll focus on my girls and living my own life.  I'm totally turned off having a boyfriend or getting married ever again.

And yay another Happy Mother's day for me.   Just once I'd really like an opportunity where I get something and it's not crapped on by his issues.   The more and more I think about it the angrier I get that there has never once been a real opportunity in this marriage for me to be the center of attention for me to be recognized for all that I do.   For me to not get a shred of what I give back.

I don't really expect the kids to get it they are kids and kids are inherently self centered.   I'm tired of the person who is supposed to be my partner being so self absorbed that he cannot even one day a year (or two if we count my birthday) pay attention to me.   I mean REALLY pay attention to me not the fake song and dance we've been doing all this time.  I want him to pay attention to me the way I pay attention to him and I realize now that's likely never going to happen.

[Deleted]

May 9, 2020 5:59:52 GMT -5 finnime said:

I really hope he hears and understands that you're done, Drama; that this is the last time. My ex was/is an alcoholic. Nothing short of divorce got through to him, although there were other problems, too. Addicts make lousy parents, too, IME. Strength to you and peace to your daughters.

Same here.  No matter what I did/said didn't matter when we were married, but since the divorce he seems to have gotten his shit together.  Maybe I was just as bad for him as he was for me?!?!     More likely is I am just separated from it enough now that I don't notice relapses because they don't effect me anymore.  Coparenting with him sucks sometimes though, no doubt there. 

[buystoys]

Yeah, mine didn't believe I was done until he received the divorce papers.  Many, many years later when he finally got sober, he actually called me and thanked me for what I had done.  Never expected that to happen!

DQ, I just wish I could give you a really big hug and take you out for a special lunch when things open up again.  You DO deserve more than you are receiving.

[tcu2003]

Giant hugs, drama. Thinking about you,’and sending love and light to you and the girls.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sitting here crying in the sun room after having a long very difficult conversation with DH.    Managed to ruin yet another Mother's Day weekend.   I put my breakfast in the fridge I don't have any sort of appetite anymore it was a bad idea right now.

I need to find out if my company has an EAP program.   If they do we can use that and maybe they can recommend someone.   Trying to find a marital counselor on my own has been a total bust.   Either all their hours are when we work or they mainly deal with court mandated counseling which we aren't THAT bad.

I am not a good person anymore than he is.   I don't want to divorce but neither one of us can continue the way we are.  It's not fair and it's not fair to the kids.    I want to change I just have no idea where to even start.

[crazycat]

You need to do whatever is best for you and your girls . I grew up with an addict . It still freaks me out here and there when anyone close to me acts a certain way while drinking . I have flashbacks from when I was a kid . 

We have addiction problems on both sides of our family, so I worry about my boys . Thankfully , neither one has ever really been interested in drugs . They both do drink but are pretty responsible about it .


Good luck and good thoughts (and prayers, if you are a believer) , to you and your fantastic little ladies . 

Always remember - you are a great mom and deserve the best ❤️

[Happy prose]

Sorry you're going through this Drama. Sit him down, and start planning his funeral, in case he dies before the divorce. Be very unemotional, like a business deal. Show him you're done and don't give a shit, just need to provide for you and the kids. I know this sounds cold, and probably not the advice a therapist would give you, but does he deserve better? 

[finnime]

EAP is a good idea. They'll have resources directly and also be able to refer you to someone.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Kratom won't kill him at least so far as I have been able to discern.  If I am honest with myself if he was not an addict then I would roll my eyes and think of kratom no differently than I do any other herbal supplement.

But he is and his actions come with all the lying, deceit and destruction that comes with any addictive behavior.   It just this happens to be a "herbal supplement" that is available at every freaking gas station in the area.   

But even if it was banned it would be something else.   What is a shame is when met he WAS clean and had been clean for several years.  Then he developed stones, got handed pretty strong opiates from Dr. Quack and we haven't been able to get back on the wagon since.

I keep pointing out he managed to quite ephedrine of all things (it does help it was made illegal but he could have easily turned to meth) and if you had the will power to do that then a stupid herb shouldn't be an issue.

Realizing your marriage is built on dysfunction sucks.   I don't even know where to begin fixing it.  I WANT to fix it but is it even worth it?  It's only been three days again and I am aware relapse is part of the cycle.   I just don't want to go through another 11 years or even another year of it.   Millions of other addicts get clean and stay clean for the rest of their lives.   

I'm also real sick of his family for various reasons.   You have no place judging my family when your son/brother are doing what they do.  You ain't no picture perfect Rockwell family like you present yourself.   To be honest his family was almost the bigger deal breaker when it came to getting married.

I got a lot I have to work through before we can work on our marriage.   I am going to see if Phibro has an EAP that is an excellent place to start.  Then I am going to see if I can use the HSA to pay for one of those therapy apps.  I think one of those would work better for me given how flexible my work schedule can be.  Having to show up at an office for a set appointment now that I don't work across the street from said office isn't feasible.

In the meantime I guess I just take it one day at a time.  Try to salvage actual Mother's Day.   FWIW brunch wasn't that great they burned Gwen's pancakes.  I it get they are probably super busy between this weekend and trying to figure out how to handle reopening.   It was good enough I am willing to give them a shot again once they figure out their new routines.

[tcu2003]

Drama, are you in any local to you FB mom groups? If so, I’d they ever have anonymous posts, try PMing a moderator to see if they’ll do an anonymous post for you - you can them anonymously ask for marriage counselor recs, and especially if anyone has one that has helped where one spouse is an addict.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Drama, I'm so very sorry your Mother's Day was such a bust. 

Sometimes love for someone isn't enough to stay.  My former SIL loved BIL.  And still does.  But they were incompatible - different views on so many important topics.  The biggest 2 being booze and pron.  So I don't have any advice but know that we support you no matter what you do.  We want you to be happy and healthy. 

[gs11rmb]

May 8, 2020 18:58:05 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I keep asking myself what I am getting out of this situation.  I don't feel like I get much companionship.  I don't have a partner in life.  Is it I get attention from people for my plight?   Am I addicted to the drama of it?   Is it I get to be a martyr?

I am having a harder time figuring what what I get.  I really do honestly love DH with all my heart and it'd break to have to divorce but that doesn't really seem worth sticking around over anymore.

IDK what I think or feel anymore.  All I know is I am done with it all.   I am done with this, done being  mother, done with being a good worker bee surrounded by drama (at BOTH jobs), I am done being a daughter/sister.  I am done with this whole fucking pandemic thing.   I want out of life all together.

I have a friend whose first husband wasn't an addict but couldn't keep a job.  When she and I first met (our kids were in the same kindergarten class) they'd only been divorced a couple of years and I was surprised because they showed up at everything together and were friendly and I had assumed they were still married.  Anyway, she told me that the decision to divorce was made with her head and not her heart because even though she loved him she knew living with him in the constant cycle of lost jobs and missed payments etc., wasn't good for her or their son.

What I'm trying to say is that you can still love your husband and know that being married to him is wrong for both you and your daughters.  If you divorce there's no reason why he won't still be a central figure in their life and you can successfully co-parent and be kind and friendly toward one another.  

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hugs NomoreDramaQ1015.  I hope this weekend is better than the last one for you.

[swamp]

May 9, 2020 13:18:00 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Kratom won't kill him at least so far as I have been able to discern.  If I am honest with myself if he was not an addict then I would roll my eyes and think of kratom no differently than I do any other herbal supplement.

But he is and his actions come with all the lying, deceit and destruction that comes with any addictive behavior.   It just this happens to be a "herbal supplement" that is available at every freaking gas station in the area.   

But even if it was banned it would be something else.   What is a shame is when met he WAS clean and had been clean for several years.  Then he developed stones, got handed pretty strong opiates from Dr. Quack and we haven't been able to get back on the wagon since.

I keep pointing out he managed to quite ephedrine of all things (it does help it was made illegal but he could have easily turned to meth) and if you had the will power to do that then a stupid herb shouldn't be an issue.

Realizing your marriage is built on dysfunction sucks.   I don't even know where to begin fixing it.  I WANT to fix it but is it even worth it?  It's only been three days again and I am aware relapse is part of the cycle.   I just don't want to go through another 11 years or even another year of it.   Millions of other addicts get clean and stay clean for the rest of their lives.   

I'm also real sick of his family for various reasons.   You have no place judging my family when your son/brother are doing what they do.  You ain't no picture perfect Rockwell family like you present yourself.   To be honest his family was almost the bigger deal breaker when it came to getting married.

I got a lot I have to work through before we can work on our marriage.   I am going to see if Phibro has an EAP that is an excellent place to start.  Then I am going to see if I can use the HSA to pay for one of those therapy apps.  I think one of those would work better for me given how flexible my work schedule can be.  Having to show up at an office for a set appointment now that I don't work across the street from said office isn't feasible.

In the meantime I guess I just take it one day at a time.  Try to salvage actual Mother's Day.   FWIW brunch wasn't that great they burned Gwen's pancakes.  I it get they are probably super busy between this weekend and trying to figure out how to handle reopening.   It was good enough I am willing to give them a shot again once they figure out their new routines.

Its not the physical part of the addiction that's a problem, it's the mental.   It doesn't matter if it's Kratom, weed, opiates, meth, or coke.  He relies on outside factors to manage his stress, and he needs to learn a different coping mechanism other than chemicals.   

Meditation, yoga, exercise, running, or any other kind of physical activity can take the place of the substances if he's willing to do the work.    Or, he could end up gambling, or a food addict, or something else harmful.      This is all on him right now.    I know you want to help him, but he needs to help himself right now. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

And my MIL is in the hospital for cirrhosis of the liver.  They expect her to be released in a day or 2.  FIL is the only allowed visitor right now.  MIL apparently got the diagnosis on 4/30 and decided that her sons shouldn't be told.  FIL told DH last night.  DH texted his brother to call FIL as FIL couldn't get thru and BIL doesn't ever clear out his voicemail. 

DH talked to MIL last night and said she sounded a LOT better than usual - no shortness of breath, etc. 

But this does explain a few things about her health and her requests to see the kids more frequently. 

[shanendoah]

Wisconsin Beth - *hugs* I learned my step-mother was having health issues less than a week before her death. it might just be something about that generation. I am glad she sounds better, and hopefully the diagnosis will help her get better targeted treatment. And yes, this certainly makes a lot of things clearer. *hugs* again.

[Wisconsin Beth]

DH just called me - he opted to text L2 since BIL wasn't responding.  She called back and they talked for a while.  He's in a bad spiral with depression.  Won't take his meds unless L2 forces him to.  Won't get out of bed unless L2 forces him.  He's got a chip or something that lets her scan his blood sugar levels.  He's running around 500 most days.  As far as anyone knows, he's not drinking.  But unless someone is there, forcing him to do stuff, he's not doing it.  Last night he couldn't bring himself to pick up his phone, even though it was 2 feet away from him and it was his Dad calling. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Anyone else got shitty updates?  Or good updates? 

[TheOtherMe]

I am sorry Wisconsin Beth about your MIL and BIL.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I suppose we're in the "dry drunk" stage of addiction at least as far as I know.   I am trying to disengage but that doesn't mean my brain listens I've had some pretty messed up dreams lately as my paranoia is free to run amok while I'm asleep.

I don't feel we've made that much progress on the recovery part mentally.   He's at least shut up with the "can I change?  Do I want to change?  Being sober sucks" debate.   I told him I can't take that anymore if he's going to do it keep it to himself I don't need him trying to make sure I know exactly how much he hates being sober.

We are not even remotely close to where he has accepted he shattered my trust and it's HIS job to earn to it back.  He's agreed to certain conditions but I have to be made aware of how much he hates it and that I don't trust him.   Well duh.

So yay he's sober but I am so tired of this shit.  I've started being brutally honest/mean about it because I don't want to hide my feelings anymore.  He gets the big ball of resentment and anxiety I am over this because he deserves to see what he's done.   I'll consider him recovered when he stops and goes "Shit my wife is triggered which means she doesn't feel safe.  What do I have to do to make her feel safe?"

And then actually does it WITHOUT bitching about it.

Then when I start thinking about everything else going on in the world with pandemics and riots I start to see my problems as first world problems and feel guilty.   I got it pretty good.  Even with DH being an addict he's never robbed me at gun point, sold the house out from under me or done anything like I've seen on Narc Anon.   

Doesn't make it okay but it makes it difficult to talk about things because the natural response of most people is to point out all the above and tell me to let it go.