Addiction and Christmas and problems.

[anciana]

Sorry, Beth, that's some discouraging news from your BIL, but sadly, doesn't sound unexpected knowing how he's been. So sorry to hear about your MIL. Is her longer term prognosis known? Hang in there 

[wvugurl26]

Just because he's not that bad doesn't make it okay drama. He's still screwed up.

You trusted him to be left with the card or money to buy stuff for the girls and he broke that trust. He may not like being treated like that but it's exhausting and no picnic for you either.

Sorry Beth for all of your bad news. It's hard to watch.

[bean29]

Beth-Sorry to hear about MIL's diagnosis, and BIL's depression.

NoMoreDrama - sending positive vibes your way.


 to both of you.

[finnime]

I'm sorry about your MIL and BIL, Wisconsin Beth. That's a very heavy burden for your DH, you and family.

[finnime]

Drama, your DH has yet to grow up. He might not ever do so. I hope he does and his epiphany results in the family life you want.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

It's more I'd like some recognition for what I have to go through with this.  NOBODY talks to the spouse or listens to the spouse of the addict.  Everyone is busy supporting him and cheerleading him.  If you aren't also the cheerleader you're a non-supportive spouse.   Yet you're the one having to live with it all and deal with it all.  Nobody knows the full truth of being married to DH except me.  

It'd be nice to have someone acknowledge that.   I want DH to be the one to recognize that and if I am understanding the steps right that's the repentance step.   We have barely gotten past "admitting you have a problem" in all the years we've been together.  I don't hold out much hope he's going to make it all the way to that step before we both die.

I've accepted it for what it is.  Overall I have a pretty good life.   But that doesn't mean I don't lay awake at night sometimes resenting the crap out of it. 

I make sure to stress to Gwen don't date/choose an addict. I don't care if they are 20+ years sober the shoe can always drop.   DH made it 10 years before he got himself hooked on opiates and we've never gone back.  I will always support and love my daughters but I will not approve if they date an addict.

[swamp]

Jun 11, 2020 11:04:52 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I suppose we're in the "dry drunk" stage of addiction at least as far as I know.   I am trying to disengage but that doesn't mean my brain listens I've had some pretty messed up dreams lately as my paranoia is free to run amok while I'm asleep.

I don't feel we've made that much progress on the recovery part mentally.   He's at least shut up with the "can I change?  Do I want to change?  Being sober sucks" debate.   I told him I can't take that anymore if he's going to do it keep it to himself I don't need him trying to make sure I know exactly how much he hates being sober.

We are not even remotely close to where he has accepted he shattered my trust and it's HIS job to earn to it back.  He's agreed to certain conditions but I have to be made aware of how much he hates it and that I don't trust him.   Well duh.

So yay he's sober but I am so tired of this shit.  I've started being brutally honest/mean about it because I don't want to hide my feelings anymore.  He gets the big ball of resentment and anxiety I am over this because he deserves to see what he's done.   I'll consider him recovered when he stops and goes "Shit my wife is triggered which means she doesn't feel safe.  What do I have to do to make her feel safe?"

And then actually does it WITHOUT bitching about it.

Then when I start thinking about everything else going on in the world with pandemics and riots I start to see my problems as first world problems and feel guilty.   I got it pretty good.  Even with DH being an addict he's never robbed me at gun point, sold the house out from under me or done anything like I've seen on Narc Anon.   

Doesn't make it okay but it makes it difficult to talk about things because the natural response of most people is to point out all the above and tell me to let it go.

and my natural response is to tell them they are idiots and to STFU 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I'm the opposite.  When I'm already struggling with anxiety people getting annoyed with me makes me clam up even further because now I am stressed about causing them stress.   It's really frustrating because if it was a friend of mine people were saying that to I would charge to her defense.   Yet I struggle to come to my own in this case.

[anciana]

Drama, just because someone else is in a more difficult situation than you, it doesn't mean that yours is any less difficult or serious. I am continually amazed by your strength and sheer will to get through the crappy parts of life and embrace all the beauty while you try to seize the day for your girls and yourself. I understand that it comes at an exceptionally high price for you. Many, many hugs 

[justme]

I'll give you some recognition for not yelling back at your husband when he's going on a "I hate being sober rant" with "Yea well I hate you sober and I hate you using, so where the fuck does that leave us?"

Cuz really, I don't know how you haven't done that. 


Granted I was 21 but when my bf at the time was trying to quit smoking (cuz the fucker lied to me about smoking when we started dating) and was just a total ass from the withdrawls and taking it out on me and complaining about it I snapped and said something like "Well I don't like you very much right now either, so go fucking smoke already if it means you'll leave me the fuck alone". I then later learned he was hiding drugs from me too, was that a fucking terrifying ride until I got off. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

That's pretty much what I told him.  I said either go to therapy like you REALLY need to and talk about it there, go to NA meetings and talk or keep it to yourself.    I'm all for him getting clean but I really don't need the mind f*ck that comes with him see-sawing.   

I've also told him if you are that damn miserable being sober maybe we should divorce.   He's clearly not happy being married to someone who keeps him away from his one true love and I'm not happy with him using.  I'm not budging on my stance.  So it's his call now not mine.   We'll see what happens in the near future here.

I've already taken a lot of steps to get myself in a good position so if it does go down that way I'll be all right.   I've told him that too.  I'm stable now job wise, the kids are older and I got our bills in a way that I can do it all on my income alone if need be.  I don't "need" him.  I want him in my life and love him but that's a choice.  A choice that can change if he doesn't pull his head out of his ass.

At 37 I feel I'm at a cross roads and asking myself about the next 30 years.   I don't want to do this shit for the next 30 years of my life.   It's up to him if he does but I won't be around to see it.

[stillmovingforward]

And that was the attitude it took me having to get my DH to change. Mind you, he was not an addict and we had many good years before he chose to regress into old family patterns (he came from an abusive family with terrible addiction issues). It took a while but he did pull his head out and, after a few years, I finally began to trust him. It was a long haul! And he is fully aware that I will NEVER do it again! If I had known how hard it would have been, I might not have stayed.
I applaud your decision and highly feel for you. You are in a tough spot 🤗

[stillmovingforward]

Don't be afraid to close the door on this relationship. You will do fine!

[Wisconsin Beth]

MIL came home from the hospital yesterday.  They pulled 10 liters? of fluid from her and there's more they want out.  So she's on a 50oz of liquid per day and it can't be water.  Her sodium levels are low and I guess that's the reason?  Not completely sure on that.  But diet soda, tea, coffee, low calorie juice drinks are fine.  She mentioned refrigerating her ice tea since she can't put cubes in it and I suggested making tea cubes in her ice cube trays.  She like that idea.  She called

She still hasn't told us about the cirrhosis of the liver part of her diagnosis.  From what DH said FIL said, there's something else going on but it's on her to tell us, not him.

No updates on BIL.  Apparently L2 asked DH to stop by when she's on her next round of work travel but I don't know when that will be.  DN#6 is in and out of BIL's house.  I have the impression that she's having overnights/friends with benefits stuff going on but it's not my business and I'm not asking. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

I jinxed myself by saying no updates on BIL.  DH called me yesterday to say that he was leaving work to take BIL to the ER for potential blood clots.  L2 was there so he basically dumped him and ran.  BIL's blood sugar levels were over 700; his ammonia levels are high too.  They're keeping him until both numbers are in a normal range.  No blood clots, he was severely dehydrated. 

[countrygirl2]

It's been a long time but I still remember all of it. When I hit that point, I was done and just wanted out. Life was no longer worth living as the wife of a practicing alcoholic. He's a periodic drinker and the more time that went by between episodes the more uptight I got. Driving home each day I'd wonder if today was the day he'd fall off the wagon.

Yep went through that for 13 years, most of the kids lives growing up. It was awful.  On weekends would he be home or drinking at night.  I couldn't trust him for years afterward, if he was late I just knew he was drinking. It took a long time to accept that he had really quit. There was so much hurt and a lot of it has never gone away.

In my case staying worked out, his willpower was strong enough. But I know we were just lucky.

Hope everything works out for all of you, whatever you decide. I was finally ready to divorce and would have. Guess I made a believer out of him.

[finnime]

Wisconsin Beth, hugs to you and your family.

[gs11rmb]

I'm sorry Wisconsin Beth.  Do you think your DH and his parents have accepted that there is a very good chance your BIL is not going to survive?  My uncle died from alcoholism in his early 50s; such a waste, he was always fun to be around.  His wife of ~30 years left him and my grandparents spent a small fortune on different rehabs but he just wouldn't/couldn't quit.

[TheOtherMe]

I'm so sorry Wisconsin Beth   I can't imagine what you and your family are going through.  Hugs

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jun 23, 2020 14:12:54 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

I'm sorry Wisconsin Beth .  Do you think your DH and his parents have accepted that there is a very good chance your BIL is not going to survive?  My uncle died from alcoholism in his early 50s; such a waste, he was always fun to be around.  His wife of ~30 years left him and my grandparents spent a small fortune on different rehabs but he just wouldn't/couldn't quit.

Yeah, DH is assuming he's going to lose both his Mom and his brother in the next 18 months or less. 

BIL is supposedly sober since Christmas.  But he's not taking care of himself.  He's diabetic and I suspect that's going be what does him in.  He rarely takes his insulin and doesn't pay attention to his blood sugars.  He's got some kind of implant so it's not like he's got to stick himself with a needle. L2 said something about neuropathy in his legs.  I know with diabetics, problems start with circulation/feet. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

BIL was released from the hospital to L2 and DN#6's care.  Except he fell in the driveway and it took them about 2 hrs. to get him up and into the house.  He basically can't walk right now.  His memory is going - he couldln't remember how to give himself an insulin shot and he's been doing that for like 12 years.  He should not have been released.  L2 was texting us for help but we were 3+ hours away, camping.  He refused to let her call 911 as he laid outside, in the rain.  The home nurse who came in said he shouldn't have been sent home. 

L2 is thinking they're going to need to apply for disability for him.  I told DH that if that's the case, they should just get the lawyer now and be done.  It doesn't sound like he will be able to work in fall.  L2 says his insurance won't cover the home help that he needs.  She's exhausted. 

[finnime]

It does sound like it's past time for your BIL to start the disability application process. The sooner the better. In the meantime, if he falls and can't get up and will not allow 911 to be called, the firefighters will come and help him up. They can be called on a non-emergency basis.

I'm sorry, Wisconsin Beth. It's a real mess.

[buystoys]

I agree that he should just get a lawyer from the get go and file for disability.  So sorry your family is dealing with this.

[Wisconsin Beth]

He's back in the hospital.  L2 called 911 and he was transported.  Now he's pissed at her for not taking "his side"  He's on a heavy duty painkiller tonight so hopefully she's gone home to sleep. 

[buystoys]

Sorry but glad to hear he's back in the hospital.  Hoping L2 gets some good rest.

[laterbloomer]

Jul 1, 2020 21:55:22 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

He's back in the hospital.  L2 called 911 and he was transported.  Now he's pissed at her for not taking "his side"  He's on a heavy duty painkiller tonight so hopefully she's gone home to sleep. 

L2 needs to detach. She's not really making his life any better, no fault of hers, and he is making her life much worse. she is like the lifeguard being dragged under by the drowning man. There is nothing to be gained by having them both drown.

[Wisconsin Beth]

She and BIL did a Dave Ramsey thing last year.  She was stunned to be told she was codependent/enabling. 

BIL is moving to a rehab/therapy place on Monday.  He's supposed to be there for 2-3 weeks. 

Apparently his liver is screwed up again. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

BIL is doing much better today.  The antibiotics are working, they've pulled back on a med that was making him nonverbal.  As of now, it's starting to look like he will be going to the pt/ot place on Monday. 

[buystoys]

That's good news!  How is L2 doing?

[Wisconsin Beth]

I think ok.  She's at her place with both her kids so I think that makes her happy.  Kids are like 18 and 20.  Her texts have 'sounded' much more upbeat.