Addiction and Christmas and problems.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Jan 21, 2020 9:22:15 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

BIL is annoying MIL.  He's spent the last couple of nights at his house, with either L2 or DN#6 (or possibly both of them, I'm not sure) and he's not communicating with her.  Not coming back when he/they say he is.  They're trying to work on plans involving driving so she's got a right to be upset, in my opinion.  He's not driving yet and I'm not sure if that's from having a seizure or "just" a side effect of everything else.  I keep forgetting to ask.  He's apparently complaining that everyone is trying to control him.  I made a comment to her about bitchslapping, which surprised her but that may have been because my kids were in the room too.  [img class="smile" alt="[img src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/embarrassed.png" class="smile" alt=""]" src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/embarrassed.png"]

She had an EKG yesterday.  When I talked to her, she said they'd call with results.  I assumed they'd call the same day but I didn't actually check that. 

DH and I were talking - winter is starting to kick my butt.  We've ordered some vitamin D for me to start taking.  It's a 5K dose and made with coconut oil/fat so it will absorb more quickly.  I'm already on antidepressants and see my doctor on the 30th.  I'm going to ask her about increasing the meds for Feb.  I'm on a dose of either 25 or 50 mg so we've got lots of room to play with increasing it.  I don't want to make it a permanent increase because I usually do better come summer. 

Everyone is going to have to learn to live their lives around him, which is a struggle I understand.   That being said MIL should be the #1 priority for everyone involved.   BIL has made his choices and if he doesn't "want to be controlled" then give him his wish.  If that means he is home alone because he refused to cooperate and decides to self destruct that is on HIM.  Doesn't make it to appointments. . .it's called Uber and if he can't be bothered that's on him.   Not L2, not DN#6, not your MIL.   BIL is an adult and capable of making his own choices.

It's pretty clear based on your posts what his choice is, or will be shortly.   Everyone involved, including your husband, need to start distancing themselves.   You will not be able to totally avoid the explosion but that doesn't mean you need to be an the epicenter of it.

[swamp]

Jan 21, 2020 9:22:15 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

BIL is annoying MIL.  He's spent the last couple of nights at his house, with either L2 or DN#6 (or possibly both of them, I'm not sure) and he's not communicating with her.  Not coming back when he/they say he is.  They're trying to work on plans involving driving so she's got a right to be upset, in my opinion.  He's not driving yet and I'm not sure if that's from having a seizure or "just" a side effect of everything else.  I keep forgetting to ask.  He's apparently complaining that everyone is trying to control him.  I made a comment to her about bitchslapping, which surprised her but that may have been because my kids were in the room too.  [img src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/embarrassed.png" class="smile" alt=""]

She had an EKG yesterday.  When I talked to her, she said they'd call with results.  I assumed they'd call the same day but I didn't actually check that. 

DH and I were talking - winter is starting to kick my butt.  We've ordered some vitamin D for me to start taking.  It's a 5K dose and made with coconut oil/fat so it will absorb more quickly.  I'm already on antidepressants and see my doctor on the 30th.  I'm going to ask her about increasing the meds for Feb.  I'm on a dose of either 25 or 50 mg so we've got lots of room to play with increasing it.  I don't want to make it a permanent increase because I usually do better come summer. 

they are because he has shown is incapable to making good choices.   

[finnime]

Jan 21, 2020 11:00:07 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

I just want to curl up and sleep.  Or just stay in bed with my Kindle and/or a book.  I did get the dishwasher run this morning and a load of laundry going.  I had extra time because K has vball practice at 715 and instead of leaving at 630, I leave with her at 7. 

I know exactly what you mean. Curling up and sleeping is a beautiful thing when you're depressed. Good for you getting chores done and keeping up with kids despite it all. I hope your mood lifts soon.

[justme]

Jan 21, 2020 9:22:15 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

BIL is annoying MIL.  He's spent the last couple of nights at his house, with either L2 or DN#6 (or possibly both of them, I'm not sure) and he's not communicating with her.  Not coming back when he/they say he is.  They're trying to work on plans involving driving so she's got a right to be upset, in my opinion.  He's not driving yet and I'm not sure if that's from having a seizure or "just" a side effect of everything else.  I keep forgetting to ask.  He's apparently complaining that everyone is trying to control him.  I made a comment to her about bitchslapping, which surprised her but that may have been because my kids were in the room too.  [img src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/embarrassed.png" class="smile" alt=""]

She had an EKG yesterday.  When I talked to her, she said they'd call with results.  I assumed they'd call the same day but I didn't actually check that. 

DH and I were talking - winter is starting to kick my butt.  We've ordered some vitamin D for me to start taking.  It's a 5K dose and made with coconut oil/fat so it will absorb more quickly.  I'm already on antidepressants and see my doctor on the 30th.  I'm going to ask her about increasing the meds for Feb.  I'm on a dose of either 25 or 50 mg so we've got lots of room to play with increasing it.  I don't want to make it a permanent increase because I usually do better come summer. 

Make sure the doctor tests you for Vit D3 when you see them. It is possible to OD on it. My mom eventually had to back off how much she was taking since her numbers got high. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

L2 leaves for a 3 week business trip this week.  Since she's the oil that's smoothing everything over, I'm guessing something is going to go pear shaped while she's gone. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Jan 27, 2020 11:18:16 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

L2 leaves for a 3 week business trip this week.  Since she's the oil that's smoothing everything over, I'm guessing something is going to go pear shaped while she's gone. 

Probably but keep repeating that he's an adult and makes his own choices. People can't live their lives trying to save him from himself.

[Wisconsin Beth]

DH is getting annoyed with his brother now too.  DH is trying to find out if he needs to do ferret duty earlier in the day so he can stop on his way home.  Last night BIL didn't answer his question until 930pmish.  Fortunately the answer was "no" because DH didn't want to go back out last night. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

DH hasn't been getting an answer to his texts to BIL.  I told him to CALL.  So he did.  So the update I have is "Everyone is fine"   Although he did say that MIL does NOT like going weekly for iron transfusions.  I guess the plan is that she gets them weekly now and then won't have to have them or blood transfusions later on? 

DN#6 was on ferret duty all weekend.  BIL will be going over there today so

ETA - I did have one of those moments of pure, total relaxation on Sunday.  I'd dropped the kids off at my Mom's so I could go grocery shopping and DH was at work.  It was sunny and bright.  All of a sudden, my shoulders just dropped and relaxed.  It was bliss. 

[finnime]

I'm glad for the moments of peace for you, Wisconsin Beth.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Feb 3, 2020 10:20:23 GMT -5 finnime said:

I'm glad for the moments of peace for you, Wisconsin Beth .

Thanks.  I'm trying to appreciate them when I find them. 

[mollyanna58]

Feb 3, 2020 10:25:57 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Feb 3, 2020 10:20:23 GMT -5 finnime said:

I'm glad for the moments of peace for you, Wisconsin Beth .

Thanks.  I'm trying to appreciate them when I find them. 

Hoping they happen more frequently. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

I'm posting this here, from Chump Lady dot com.  It feels appropriate. 

LovedaJackass says

January 31, 2020 at 3:01 pm

I asked my therapist (in a discussion about Kobe Bryant), whether cheaters could change. Her reply was a riddle: “How many therapists does it take to change a cheater? Only one, if the cheater wants to change.”

And that has to be about more than words. Some people will claim to want to change, some people will go to church, some people will even go to therapy. But change involves humility. It involves hard work. It involves the ability to take criticism. To take responsibility. To see yourself as a work in progress. To value other people. To want to reciprocate when others contribute to your life. To be patient and persistent in behaving in ways that build trust. Where chumps mess up is in believing the words and imagining that the words REQUIRE the chump to forgive AND forget. All that leads to is the whining complaint: “You still don’t trust me,” as if you can get over a betrayal in a day or a week or a year.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

That is true.   I felt like DH was finally starting to get it when he stopped accusing me of "not trusting him" and instead starting doing stuff to earn it back like agreeing with me that he needed to be removed from our bank account.

[Wisconsin Beth]

DN#6 texted DH to ask if he can visit or text or something with BIL.  Apparently BIL is bored being stuck at home.  And won't directly ASK for anyone to text/visit him.  DH is slammed at work.  He's had 1 day off in about 4 weeks and probably won't have a day off until after Valentine's Day.  So no, he can't come and take his brother shopping.  I don't have the bandwidth to take him anywhere or be his entertainment.  Although we do have vball on Sat.  I suppose we can offer to take him to that. 

DN#6 doesn't have a driver's license.  She drove BIL's car while he was gone and hit someone, then drove off without stopping.  BIL didn't handle all the paperwork on his end so his insurance company is not happy with him and the courts are not happy with him regarding all of this either.  BIL isn't cleared to drive yet.  So neither of them can drive.  At least I hope BIL isn't thinking about taking his car and going somewhere. 

[snapdragon]

Beth that is not your our your DH's issue. They are trying to make it your problem. Ignore it. I am sure there is Uber or Lyft or Taxi's available to take him anywhere he needs to go. Or he can order delivery in. 

Just because he is bored is not your problem. You and your DH are not support animals.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Feb 6, 2020 10:53:11 GMT -5 snapdragon said:

Beth that is not your our your DH's issue. They are trying to make it your problem. Ignore it. I am sure there is Uber or Lyft or Taxi's available to take him anywhere he needs to go. Or he can order delivery in. 

Just because he is bored is not your problem. You and your DH are not support animals.

snapdragon - you know, when DH mentioned the text this morning, that is pretty much what flashed thru my head. 

And thank you for the support and the reminder about Lyft/Uber/taxis. 

[bean29]

Feb 6, 2020 10:53:11 GMT -5 snapdragon said:

Beth that is not your our your DH's issue. They are trying to make it your problem. Ignore it. I am sure there is Uber or Lyft or Taxi's available to take him anywhere he needs to go. Or he can order delivery in. 

Just because he is bored is not your problem. You and your DH are not support animals.

There is Uber Eats,  and on-line grocery ordering too. My DS does the grocery delivery - but I don't remember what the name of the company is...but I think they are linked to the Meijer and Pick N Save apps, so you just place the order and they arrange the delivery person.   

I gave my kids Uber GC's for Christmas and I was reminded of Uber Eats when I looked at the cards.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Feb 6, 2020 9:05:13 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

DN#6 texted DH to ask if he can visit or text or something with BIL.  Apparently BIL is bored being stuck at home.  And won't directly ASK for anyone to text/visit him.  DH is slammed at work.  He's had 1 day off in about 4 weeks and probably won't have a day off until after Valentine's Day.  So no, he can't come and take his brother shopping.  I don't have the bandwidth to take him anywhere or be his entertainment.  Although we do have vball on Sat.  I suppose we can offer to take him to that. 

DN#6 doesn't have a driver's license.  She drove BIL's car while he was gone and hit someone, then drove off without stopping.  BIL didn't handle all the paperwork on his end so his insurance company is not happy with him and the courts are not happy with him regarding all of this either.  BIL isn't cleared to drive yet.  So neither of them can drive.  At least I hope BIL isn't thinking about taking his car and going somewhere. 

Not your circus, not your monkeys.  Your BIL is a full grown adult who is capable of finding a way around town that does not involve a personal chauffer.   Uber, Lyft or the freaking bus will do just fine.  If he chooses not to avail himself of any of those options that is HIS choice.   You and DH should not be dragged into this, if DN#6 and LN2 choose to enable that is their choice.   You don't have to follow suit.   You have your own lives to lead.

[Chocolate Lover]

Hell, even Walmart does grocery delivery and if they do it in my podunk town, your BIL can probably get it too. 

[laterbloomer]

Not your problem! He's a grown ass man. He made his bed now he can lie in it.

[laterbloomer]

Not for nothing but DN6 needs councelling. She is a codependant little thing. Don't get dragged in. Remember, she's not healthy either.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I did text DN#6 and offered to pick them up and take them to vball on Sat.  DN#6 seemed interested.  I texted both of them Saturday morning and no response.  I tried to call DN#6 about 10 minutes before I was planning on leaving the house.  She didn't pick up.  Ok.  I tried.  I did text DH at work and told him.  He appreciated that I tried. 

I had decided that I was willing to do that much.  My kids would have loved to see both BIL and DN#6 and it made DH feel better.  So will it was probably an enabling offer, there were other reasons attached to it.  Which in my brain makes it a NON enabling offer.  Or at least non enabling of BIL and DN#6...  I plead the Fifth on it being enabling with my kids and spouse! 

[ners]

Wisconsin Beth  That was very nice of you to try.  Sorry you there was no response.  

[finnime]

i agree, Wisconsin Beth, it was not an enabling offer. It was purely an offer to share some time together, a very nice gesture for everyone. Enabling is different.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Enabling would be rearranging your lives to take BIL to the store when there are plenty of other means of transportation nowadays.

Inviting them to participate in life is not enabling. That they chose not to take you up on it shows where they are and what they currently want out of you and your husband.

You tried. They want things on their terms and it's your right not to play the game. You made the attempt, the door is open, they can walk thru or not.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I did talk to MIL a bit yesterday.  She watched the kids while I grocery shopped.  I told her (and my kids) to have the kids shovel her out.  And when I got there you couldn't even see that they had shoveled.  Sigh.  She's really not happy about the iron transfusions but admits that at least they are much quicker than the blood transfusions she was getting.  Her bone marrow isn't producing stuff (not sure what, exactly) correctly. 

BIL has PT today, at his house.  So he is getting something.  She also said he's down about 18 lbs and a lot of it is in the gut area.  Enough that one doctor wants him to talk to the liver doctor because the thinking seems to be that he might not need the monthly stomach pumping if that's the case.  He hasn't had that done since the hospital. No one seems to be sure if he's taking his meds like he's supposed to.  And DH told me last night that he thought it would be good if BIL doesn't get his license back next month, that he doesn't drive for the rest of the year.  Because he'd not be able to get to the liquor store.  I pointed out that there is Uber and Amazon home delivery.  He hadn't thought of that. 

My Dad is going to PT/rehab for the next month or so, to build up his strength.  He's apparently fine for white males, ages 80-89.  He's going to be 82 in June.  But he (and us) would like him to be more mobile.  So his doctor signed off on the rehab orders.  He's also got an EKG this week, it's a routine one.  Mom's slightly frustrated that his 'results' appointment is 10 days after the EKG, normally they get that appointment 2-3 days afterwards. 

It's such a difference between my MIL and FIL's and my parents' insurance companies and doctors.  And confuses me with BIL because he should have the same or similar to what I carry for us.  And what my Mom carries for the supplemental insurance for her and Dad.  She's retired from the City.  Mom and I are in the similar employee type groups for insurance stuff, except she's in the retired group and I'm active.  BIL get the teacher contract ones.  I didn't think there was THAT much of a difference between them all.  I'm not sure what insurance company my MIL and FIL are using but it's linked with a different hospital chain than mine and Mom's.  And BIL's.  Anyway, I"m rambling. 

[swamp]

Feb 6, 2020 15:30:04 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

Hell, even Walmart does grocery delivery and if they do it in my podunk town, your BIL can probably get it too. 

I live in the ass end of nowhere, and we have instacart, uber eats, and various other food delivery services. 

[stillmovingforward]

I can't even get my mail delivered.....

[Wisconsin Beth]

BIL is living part time at MIL's house and part time at his house.  He was at MIL's this weekend and DH found out on Sunday that no one had checked on the ferret for a couple of days.  So he dutifully went over there with K, who wanted to play with the ferret.  They didn't stay long, due to circumstances and mess.  We do assorted kid drop offs and go grocery shopping.  MIL asked us to pick up a bottle of vinegar for her.  No problem.  DH runs the bottle in and is casually told "oh, the ferret might have fleas.  Or I have bedbugs."  DH is pissed.  I'm pissed.  And BIL is so damn bloody casual about it.  We got fleas from BIL and it sucked.  I am NEVER doing that again.  It took MONTHS to get rid of them in our house.  The kids are supposed to go to MIL's house tomorrow as they're off of school.  And God only knows how much cross contamination has already occurred between BIL and MIL's houses. 

I'm hoping it's bedbugs, to be bluntly honest.  Because I believe the chances of casual transmission during daytime visits are much LOWER with bedbugs than fleas.  My kids never sleep over at MILs or BILs houses. 

I'm calling the vet today to see about getting flea meds for our cat.  I meant to do it before this because as said above, I am NEVER doing that again. 

In other news, BIL apparently looks about 10+ years older than he is.  He's losing weight too.  And his house is apparently a similar level of mess as ours is but instead of kid clutter and stuff; it's more along the lines of dirty dishes and food debris. 

L2 comes back from India this week.  I'm hoping she used the time away to realize how fucked up BIL is.  I'm hoping that seeing that he rather fell apart without her around is NOT going to reinforce her enabling/codependency tendencies.  DH made a comment about her cleaning up DN#6's room and I reminded him that it's NOT her responsibility to pick up the pieces for him and DN#6. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Oh, I did tell DH that I don't much like his brother right now.  He didn't say anything at all, so I believe he's in a similar headspace regarding his brother right now.