Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 13, 2020 16:28:19 GMT -5
Beth, do you know how long before all of the assessments are done, basically, how long does your DH have time to figure out how he feels about all of this? Do you know if the doctors would approach your DH directly or would they talk to BIL initially and/or the whole family about the options? This is just too much to bear, hang in there, wishing you and your family the strength for what's to come  I'm not sure. L2 is not mentioning donating to DH and neither has anyone else. I'm assuming that what little I know about kidney and bone marrow transplants is similar to what they'll do for liver transplants.
I'm told that there would be 1 set of doctors to evaluate BIL and a 2nd set to evaluate DH, which is when he'd be able to say something. But we'll see what happens.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Jul 13, 2020 18:27:29 GMT -5
I still don't see how it's possible that bil will pass the requirements to be considered so maybe you're worrying for nothing.
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Jul 14, 2020 8:42:56 GMT -5
I agree with azucena. I doubt BIL can pass all the requirements. Fingers crossed that your DH doesn't have to make a difficult choice. I'd hate to see him donate tissue and later regret it when BIL falls off the wagon again. |
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 14, 2020 12:06:17 GMT -5
Thanks. I hope you are correct.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 15, 2020 14:05:59 GMT -5
Apparently BIL had a flaming meltdown at the hospital this morning. He doesn't want to be there. Which we all understand. No one wants a long term hospital stay. He's currently got a cathather, an IV and I think a colostomy bag attached. He was told he'd have to leave against medical advice and get his own way home. The staff asked L2 if she was willing to do this and she said No. Which may have set off another tantrum.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 15, 2020 14:13:28 GMT -5
Apparently BIL had a flaming meltdown at the hospital this morning. He doesn't want to be there. Which we all understand. No one wants a long term hospital stay. He's currently got a cathather, an IV and I think a colostomy bag attached. He was told he'd have to leave against medical advice and get his own way home. The staff asked L2 if she was willing to do this and she said No. Which may have set off another tantrum. That there would provide me with a modicrum of peace for not agreeing to be a donor if somehow he did get approved. I imagine a tantrum and trying to leave against medical orders is not going to put the odds in his favor because I believe you have to be able to prove you're going to follow post operative and long term care instructions after a transplant before they hand it over. |
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 15, 2020 16:13:25 GMT -5
L2 needs to come up with a new list of rehab/pt/ot places. The 12 we've come up with are refusing to take BIL for one or more of the following reasons: full/no beds available; history of alcohol abuse; fear of non payment source; behavioral mental health concerns; and not meeting admission criteria.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 15, 2020 16:19:06 GMT -5
I know he's DH's brother but why are you doing the work? If L2 insists on staying married and BIL doesn't want to cooperate then it needs to be on them. I am not the surprised you're having trouble finding a place to take him.
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anciana
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Post by anciana on Jul 15, 2020 17:38:16 GMT -5
I know he's DH's brother but why are you doing the work? If L2 insists on staying married and BIL doesn't want to cooperate then it needs to be on them. I am not the surprised you're having trouble finding a place to take him. I think L1 is the ex-wife. L2 is a girlfriend and not sure that they even live together. She might have only so much say when it comes to decisions about Beth’s BIL health. That leaves his adult daughter who is still very young, like 18 or so, totally not fair to expect her to make these difficult decisions. And then it leaves his parents who have their own health problems (mom was just recently hospitalized, right?) and Beth’s DH. It definitely sucks for the whole family when BIL is not interested in doing what’s best for his own health. I fear the family needs to prepare, possibly sooner than later, that his health will continue to deteriorate until there’s nothing anyone can do  |
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justme
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Post by justme on Jul 15, 2020 17:56:43 GMT -5
Apparently BIL had a flaming meltdown at the hospital this morning. He doesn't want to be there. Which we all understand. No one wants a long term hospital stay. He's currently got a cathather, an IV and I think a colostomy bag attached. He was told he'd have to leave against medical advice and get his own way home. The staff asked L2 if she was willing to do this and she said No. Which may have set off another tantrum. That there would provide me with a modicrum of peace for not agreeing to be a donor if somehow he did get approved. I imagine a tantrum and trying to leave against medical orders is not going to put the odds in his favor because I believe you have to be able to prove you're going to follow post operative and long term care instructions after a transplant before they hand it over. Very likely. I believe my uncle has had to go back to the hospital at least 3 times and I'm not even sure if it's been more than 2 months since the transplant. Plus the multiple labs he did which were the impetus of being readmitted. |
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Jul 15, 2020 18:35:55 GMT -5
Wisconsin Beth has your BIL always been this difficult? His behavior is so irrational that I do wonder if all the alcohol abuse has caused some form of brain damage.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 15, 2020 20:01:28 GMT -5
L1, his ex wife, covered up most of his shit. I do know that after the divorce, MIL figured out some of L1's coverups.
L2, is the girlfriend. She has kids and is getting alimony or something that cuts off if she gets married. I don't think she'll risk that with BIL. And yes, he's an asshole.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 16, 2020 10:23:43 GMT -5
L2 says BIL broke up with her last night, via text. She copied some of the texts to me and DH and went on to talk about the stuff someone else is going to have to take over. Like finding a rehab/pt/ot place; getting his FMLA for fall set; etc.
I cannot blame her. He's being an abusive asshole.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 16, 2020 10:29:31 GMT -5
I don't blame her either. In her situation, she also has to take care of herself.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 16, 2020 10:37:46 GMT -5
I don't blame her either. In her situation, she also has to take care of herself. Her son leaves for college in a month. He'll be a freshman. I think her daughter will be a senior. |
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 16, 2020 10:40:23 GMT -5
Daughter in high school?
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 16, 2020 10:54:42 GMT -5
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 16, 2020 11:02:48 GMT -5
L2 says BIL broke up with her last night, via text. She copied some of the texts to me and DH and went on to talk about the stuff someone else is going to have to take over. Like finding a rehab/pt/ot place; getting his FMLA for fall set; etc.
I cannot blame her. He's being an abusive asshole.
Good for her. She has to protect herself and your BIL has clearly shown he has zero sense of self preservation. What happens if no rehab place takes him? Has anyone talked to a social worker at the hospital? I would find someone to talk to there about assisting with this because I wouldn't want him to land on your doorstep or his parents if they can't find some place else to keep him. |
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 16, 2020 11:08:07 GMT -5
L2 was working with the social worker. DH is going to call L2 soon and try to get all the details from her.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Jul 16, 2020 11:16:14 GMT -5
From your description of L2 she probably wouldn't have initiated the breakup out of guilt or obligation to your BIL. The fact that he broke up with her is the best thing that could have happened for L2's life. When BIL comes to his senses he might try to get back together and I really hope she has the sense to say no.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 16, 2020 13:54:28 GMT -5
From your description of L2 she probably wouldn't have initiated the breakup out of guilt or obligation to your BIL. The fact that he broke up with her is the best thing that could have happened for L2's life. When BIL comes to his senses he might try to get back together and I really hope she has the sense to say no. No, she more or less admitted that she'd feel guilty if she broke up with him and he died, back in Dec or so when she and I were talking in the hospital.
Yeah, I expect to find out at some point that he has no idea why she went and abandoned him in the hospital. That she should have known that whatever he did say, he didn't mean. Except he's said it multiple times to her.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 16, 2020 13:55:36 GMT -5
And has horrible as it is to say it - she probably IS the only reason he's still alive. DN#6 probably would have come home one day to find a corpse in the house.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Jul 16, 2020 15:14:25 GMT -5
No doubt she is why he's still alive, Wisconsin Beth. It's good they broke up, for her sake. The hospital's care management department will be charged with finding a place for him to be discharged to. |
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 16, 2020 15:55:36 GMT -5
And has horrible as it is to say it - she probably IS the only reason he's still alive. DN#6 probably would have come home one day to find a corpse in the house. It's better for her that she moves on then. The writing is on the wall and if she had stayed she would be drug down right along with him. Hope she doesn't back track and go back to him when he tries to "apologize" after it dawns on him he lost his enabler. The hospital isn't going to be quite so easy to bully. The problem is what happens when they wash their hands of him. I would do your best to make sure it's not your door step he lands on. That's probably a mean thing to say but your financial and emotional health along with your family's comes first. Hugs to everyone what an awful thing to have to watch happen. There will always be guilt depending on the outcome but do try to tell yourselves that you have all done your best but you couldn't save him from himself. There is a reason the first step is admitting YOU are the problem. |
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 16, 2020 15:56:24 GMT -5
No doubt she is why he's still alive, Wisconsin Beth . It's good they broke up, for her sake. The hospital's care management department will be charged with finding a place for him to be discharged to.Right now, they're dumping that task on us. |
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 16, 2020 16:01:47 GMT -5
And has horrible as it is to say it - she probably IS the only reason he's still alive. DN#6 probably would have come home one day to find a corpse in the house. It's better for her that she moves on then. The writing is on the wall and if she had stayed she would be drug down right along with him. Hope she doesn't back track and go back to him when he tries to "apologize" after it dawns on him he lost his enabler. The hospital isn't going to be quite so easy to bully. The problem is what happens when they wash their hands of him. I would do your best to make sure it's not your door step he lands on. That's probably a mean thing to say but your financial and emotional health along with your family's comes first. Hugs to everyone what an awful thing to have to watch happen. There will always be guilt depending on the outcome but do try to tell yourselves that you have all done your best but you couldn't save him from himself. There is a reason the first step is admitting YOU are the problem. We are physically, mentally, emotional, financially, and medically unable to take him in. I told DH during his divorce that if/when BIL loses the house, he's not moving in here. That it was him or me.
However, my MIL and FIL, despite also being unable to take BIL in, probably will anyway. They have in the past, granted he wasn't as bad but I honestly can't see them not trying. Or going to his house daily to try to keep him on his meds.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 16, 2020 16:02:57 GMT -5
No doubt she is why he's still alive, Wisconsin Beth . It's good they broke up, for her sake. The hospital's care management department will be charged with finding a place for him to be discharged to.Right now, they're dumping that task on us. I'd push back as much as possible. You have signed nothing stating you agree to care for him or that you are his next of kin. The hospital is going to try to bully anyone that they can to get him out of their hair. You aren't legally obligated to be his caretaker/guardian. If you WANT to that is an entirely different story but you do have the right to say he's not your problem. |
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 16, 2020 16:14:32 GMT -5
Right now, they're dumping that task on us. I'd push back as much as possible. You have signed nothing stating you agree to care for him or that you are his next of kin. The hospital is going to try to bully anyone that they can to get him out of their hair. You aren't legally obligated to be his caretaker/guardian. If you WANT to that is an entirely different story but you do have the right to say he's not your problem. Oh hell no.
DH is convinced the hospital is just going to kick him out on the street. And if he was more stable, that might be a concern. Although I can see BIL saying he's done and going home against medical advice and being left waiting for a ride.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Jul 16, 2020 16:18:21 GMT -5
No doubt she is why he's still alive, Wisconsin Beth . It's good they broke up, for her sake. The hospital's care management department will be charged with finding a place for him to be discharged to.Right now, they're dumping that task on us. Drama's right--push back. Don't accept that burden. They have many resources that you do not. If being discharged to home on his own steam is not feasible, they'll find a place for him. You don't need to explain why you cannot do this yourselves--just say no, you can not. |
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 16, 2020 16:24:56 GMT -5
I'd push back as much as possible. You have signed nothing stating you agree to care for him or that you are his next of kin. The hospital is going to try to bully anyone that they can to get him out of their hair. You aren't legally obligated to be his caretaker/guardian. If you WANT to that is an entirely different story but you do have the right to say he's not your problem. Oh hell no.
DH is convinced the hospital is just going to kick him out on the street. And if he was more stable, that might be a concern. Although I can see BIL saying he's done and going home against medical advice and being left waiting for a ride.
Even if they did it's still not your concern. Keep reminding your DH that BIL is an adult, the complete and utter implosion of his life is on him. |
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