Phoenix84
Senior Associate
Joined: Feb 17, 2011 21:42:35 GMT -5
Posts: 10,056
|
Post by Phoenix84 on Apr 6, 2011 17:36:08 GMT -5
The “dating as a single parent” thread got me thinking. How would you feel about dating someone with kids.
A common theme seems to be “put the kids first.”
Personally this is why I’d never be too keen to date a women with kids. I understand (and even commend) this attitude. However, I’d never feel comfortable committing my life to someone knowing I’d always be “second fiddle.” How can you call yourself a family when one of the members is a “second class citizen.” It’s nothing personal against single parents or their kids, it’s just not what I would want for myself. Not to mention it can create family drama between the kids and their step parent (you) as you’ll never be their mom/dad. Having kids in the picture just makes dating (which is awkward in itself) even more awkward.
The one caveat I’d say is I realize at a certain age it can be difficult to find singles without kids. So maybe at some point in my life I”d consider trying to work something out, but right now, having kids is a “deal breaker.”
What do you think? Would you date someone with kids under 18? Why or why not? Does the ages of the kids matter? How do you feel about your mate putting their kids before you?
|
|
|
Post by debtheaven on Apr 6, 2011 17:53:46 GMT -5
I'll be honest with you Phenoix. At your age? No way. I loved my dad to bits and he loved me to bits too. He has been gone for over 10 years now and I still miss him every day of my life. After my ex left me with three kids barely under six, I told my Dad that I could never marry a man with kids. Despite having three of my own LOL. My dad was horrified. He told me he had tried to raise me with greater generosity than that, told me he had never had to do it but he could have (which was definitely true, my father was extremely generous). I told him, I admire you for being able to do it, but I can't. We didn't speak for two weeks after that blow-out. Two weeks may not sound like a lot but compared to speaking twice a week, it was plenty. We were both right. You do what you can do. I freely acknowledge that here I am posting about how lucky I am that DH came into my life, and my kids' lives. I freely admit that I could never have done what DH did, take on three kids that weren't mine. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe. Probably. Maybe even certainly. So be it, at least I'm honest. ETA: How can you call yourself a family when one of the members is a “second class citizen.” Because once you are indeed a family, you make it work for the greater good. That's what being a family is about. IMO, everybody has their place in the shade, and everybody has their place in the sun. I'm certainly not suggesting you do that, as I've said, I wouldn't have done it either. But we are so very lucky that my DH didn't feel the same way. ETA: Phenoix, you see how implicated I am in my "virtual" life, ie on these boards. So do you really think that my RL DH feels like a "second class citizen"? Rest assured, he doesn't.
|
|
suziq38
Well-Known Member
I love to save
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 21:11:27 GMT -5
Posts: 1,160
|
Post by suziq38 on Apr 6, 2011 18:09:08 GMT -5
When I was single, I told myself (at the age of 25) the same thing. I realized that for me, it was the right decision. Less his and hers discipline and "What! you bought your kid a car, what does my kid get?"
I think that single people really need to think about what and who they want in life. If he or she is the love of your life, do you really want to break up because he or she has a child or children?? For me, it was Yes. I later fell in love with a man without children, and we had two children together. You can get what you want.
|
|
Plain Old Petunia
Senior Member
bloom where you are planted
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 2:09:44 GMT -5
Posts: 4,840
|
Post by Plain Old Petunia on Apr 6, 2011 18:25:41 GMT -5
I got married young, divorced at 40. So at 40, it isn't unusual at all to be dating someone with kids. When I was young, I was immature. I don't think I could have handled dating someone with kids. And anyone with kids should have wanted to date someone more mature than me!
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,865
|
Post by zibazinski on Apr 6, 2011 19:26:33 GMT -5
It depends on how they handle their kids.
|
|
chen35
Senior Member
Joined: Apr 6, 2011 19:35:45 GMT -5
Posts: 2,295
Member is Online
|
Post by chen35 on Apr 6, 2011 19:38:37 GMT -5
I never dated with anyone who had children until I met DH when I was 28. He has 4 kids. I have a great relationship with them, the relationship with their mom is fine, but I'll tell you what, it's HARD. Way harder than I thought it would be. I was a little naive going into the marriage. I love the kids, and I love my DH more than anything, but I still advise all of my friends to think about what they are really getting into when they date a guy with kids. Not that it's not doable, but they should at least have a good idea of what it's going to really be like.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,865
|
Post by zibazinski on Apr 6, 2011 19:40:39 GMT -5
I dated seriously one guy who was way TOO into his kids and the another who cared way TOO little for his kid. Neither were going to be permanent arrangements.
|
|
whoisjohngalt
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:12:07 GMT -5
Posts: 9,140
|
Post by whoisjohngalt on Apr 6, 2011 19:47:27 GMT -5
Nope, never ever dated a guy with kids. It's not the kids that I had a problem with, it's "baby mama drama" that I had less than zero interest dealing with for the rest of my life.
My parents are still together, I never had any exposure to a "blended" family and didn't want to. All the stories you hear about step-... and all the nonsense, etc etc etc. No way, no how!
And I wasn't that young when I met my DH. But that was one of the deal-breakers for me and that was that.
Lena
|
|
Apple
Junior Associate
Always travel with a sense of humor
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:51:04 GMT -5
Posts: 9,938
Mini-Profile Name Color: dc0e29
|
Post by Apple on Apr 6, 2011 21:41:00 GMT -5
I won't say "absolutely no", but it's not something I'd seek out. A guy would really have to be worth it.
I think a strong marriage where you both care and look out for the child would work best. You can't have a strong marriage if you only/always put a child first. Both the husband and the child (and myself) would have to deal with dissappointment at times. I love my son to death, but "putting the child first" isn't alway what's best for the child--I've seen it result in some pretty spoiled adults, unprepared for the real world.
If the relationship isn't good for the child, don't be in it. Honestly, sometimes I come first, sometimes my son comes first, but really, I try to base that decision on what is best for the FAMILY (him AND me). Throw a third person into that mix and I still want what's best for the family.
ETA: After reading PC's post below I realized I left out part of my reason for not really wanting to date a single father. DS will be 18 when I'm 36. I'll be "free" and believe me, I've earned it. The last thing I want to do is start over! So, he'd really, REALLY have to be worth it, because I am ready for ME time.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 29, 2024 23:11:29 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2011 0:14:39 GMT -5
I'm a single parent and at this point I wouldn't want to get serious with someone that has kids, especially young ones. It probably wouldn't have been as big an issue for me in the past, but I'm almost done raising my kids and I don't want to start over with more. Raising kids is serious business and if I were in a serious relationship with a man with kids, I'd have a role to play. I just don't want to have to deal with the responsibility. I'm ready to be irresponsible lol.
My current *friend* has a 1 year old baby. We hang out and have fun together, but I'm willing to only go so far with him and I made that clear from the beginning. I respect that he's an involved father, I wouldn't respect him at all if he wasn't. But he knows that if he's looking for a real partner, he needs to look further than me. The baby momma drama doesn't help matters either.
Being a single Mom, I knew that a lot of men prefer to not date women with children. I was glad they were able to be honest about it. At the same time, I admire the men and women that truly love and take responsibility for children that aren't biologically theirs. I think it takes a lot of strength and a generous heart to make a blended family work out well. But it's definitely not for everyone.
|
|
|
Post by Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ on Apr 7, 2011 8:07:21 GMT -5
There is another issue that surfaces when dating someone with children, and this applies to both genders.
The kids develop a relationship with and bond with you, and vice versa.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 29, 2024 23:11:29 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2011 8:09:39 GMT -5
I'm SO happy my mom and step-dad dated and married despite the fact that they both had kids. I have the greatest step-dad in the world and two step-brothers that I love more than anything. I remarried with a 6 year old and while DH loves him, I sometimes think it would have been easier marrying someone that already had kids of their own. This was all new to him and kind of overwhelming, but he's adapting.
|
|
|
Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Apr 7, 2011 8:10:19 GMT -5
...no... generally speaking, I would not date someone with kids... flame away... ;D
|
|
|
Post by tea4me on Apr 7, 2011 8:15:38 GMT -5
I am not interested in taking care of someone else's children - financially or otherwise. Maybe I worry about money too much.
I did date guys with kids before. The kids always had responsible mothers so I did not feel my help was needed. If the mother was not in the picture, I probably would have stepped up to the plate more. (I never had long terms plans with these guys. We mostly hung out when the kids were with their mother.)
|
|
973beachbum
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,501
|
Post by 973beachbum on Apr 7, 2011 8:26:01 GMT -5
My only experience with this is DH's parents are divorced and his dad remarried. The wierd part is that he doen't think of her as his step mother but she does. His dad remarried after DH was an adult and had moved out of his mother's house which dad had not lived at in years. He went to the wedding and has always been nice but in his mind she is his dad's wife not his step mother. Isnt family wonderful?
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,865
|
Post by zibazinski on Apr 7, 2011 8:54:55 GMT -5
This is very common. Even if my Mom's husband was a good husband to her, he would still be just "her husband." NOT my step-father. I had a child of my own by the time she remarried.
|
|
|
Post by lulubean on Apr 7, 2011 9:09:45 GMT -5
I am 38 and been married 20 years and I have ALWAYS said that I would never date a man with kids and I have two of my own. Well should I get divorced now I am certain that any man I meet would have children so would have to change my priorities.
|
|
|
Post by lulubean on Apr 7, 2011 9:14:17 GMT -5
Oh apple you will have so much fun when he gets older. I have a soon to be 19 yo and a 17 DD who is never home, DH and I are having a lot of fun.
|
|
|
Post by tea4me on Apr 7, 2011 9:29:00 GMT -5
I am 38 and been married 20 years and I have ALWAYS said that I would never date a man with kids and I have two of my own. Well should I get divorced now I am certain that any man I meet would have children so would have to change my priorities. Not necessarily. I am in my 40s and I met a man with no children. Neither one of us ever wanted them. There are a few.
|
|
|
Post by sue on Apr 7, 2011 9:35:45 GMT -5
"However, I’d never feel comfortable committing my life to someone knowing I’d always be “second fiddle.” How can you call yourself a family when one of the members is a “second class citizen.”"
It's one of the main reasons I have not dated since I got divorced 10 years ago. My kids are my priority right now... between raising them, work, finishing school... I don't see where I can fit another priority in. Heck some weeks I can't even manage to keep my house clean lol. While I don't know if "second class citizen" is necessarily a fair assessment... I don't feel that I could give a significant other the time or priority level the relationship deserves, so I don't date. It keeps things simpler for me. I figure my time will come when the kids are raised, but for now they are my main responsibility.
|
|
Cookies Galore
Senior Associate
I don't need no instructions to know how to rock
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 18:08:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,735
|
Post by Cookies Galore on Apr 7, 2011 9:57:40 GMT -5
I don't want kids, so while I won't use the word "never," I'm 99.9% sure I wouldn't get involved with a guy who has kids. Luckily, BF is in the anti-kid club, so we're cool.
|
|
Apple
Junior Associate
Always travel with a sense of humor
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:51:04 GMT -5
Posts: 9,938
Mini-Profile Name Color: dc0e29
|
Post by Apple on Apr 7, 2011 10:00:07 GMT -5
Oh apple you will have so much fun when he gets older. I have a soon to be 19 yo and a 17 DD who is never home, DH and I are having a lot of fun. Oh Naggie -- I have one work to describe "empty nesting". WONDERFUL! (After I stopped crying that is.... ) I got married young, had a kid young, had nothing but big responibilities since. I'm definitely going to be doing my thing and having a blast
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 29, 2024 23:11:29 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2011 10:01:33 GMT -5
oh come on Meghan, you know you want your own drooling, pooping Mini-Me...
|
|
Cookies Galore
Senior Associate
I don't need no instructions to know how to rock
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 18:08:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,735
|
Post by Cookies Galore on Apr 7, 2011 10:16:10 GMT -5
oh come on Meghan, you know you want your own drooling, pooping Mini-Me... I can't even handle it when my cat throws up. You want me to to have a kid?!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 29, 2024 23:11:29 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2011 10:36:26 GMT -5
I date men that have kids but I have had absolutely nothing to do with them. We don't go out as often as we would if they did not have kids as they are available less often. When I meet the kids it is as part of a group activity that we both/all happen to be participating with, not something that we are doing together if you know what I mean. I think the differance might be my attitude towards dating. I don't look at a date as my future life partner. They are someone I am doing something entertaining with at the moment.
My ex had grown children. It's not the kids that are a problem. It is the whole extended family, including their mother, that comes with them.
And why does everyone feel a need to make the point that "the kids always come first" if there is a step parent in the picture? No one ever turns to their spouse and says "our child is more important to me than you and will always come first".
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 7, 2011 10:57:37 GMT -5
I dated seriously one guy who was way TOO into his kids and the another who cared way TOO little for his kid. Neither were going to be permanent arrangements. I briefly dated a man with 3 girls (ages 10-17 as I recall.) He was a really nice guy and I enjoyed his company. But his ex was way too needy of him (financially and emotionally) and I didn't want to deal with that. So after a couple of dates we called it quits. We'd met playing v-ball so I knew a fair amount about him prior to actually going out. When I was single, I didn't have a problem dating men with kids, but knowing/understanding their relationship with the ex was important to me. I didn't want to get involved in baby mama drama. A cordial relationship with a sane ex is very different from a relationship with a vindictive, needy, a-hat ex, regardless of gender.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Apr 7, 2011 11:24:57 GMT -5
Never say never, but I'm very opposed to the idea of being with someone who had kids. In your 20s, it's easy enough to find someone without them, and I never wanted to be "Stepmommy." Only Mommy if anything. I was pretty firm on that.
If I had my own kids it might be different. Especially if all of our kids were all fairly young and able to adjust to one another and treat each other like siblings.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Apr 7, 2011 11:28:41 GMT -5
Personally this is why I’d never be too keen to date a women with kids. I understand (and even commend) this attitude. However, I’d never feel comfortable committing my life to someone knowing I’d always be “second fiddle.” How can you call yourself a family when one of the members is a “second class citizen.” It’s nothing personal against single parents or their kids, it’s just not what I would want for myself. Not to mention it can create family drama between the kids and their step parent (you) as you’ll never be their mom/dad. Having kids in the picture just makes dating (which is awkward in itself) even more awkward.
I don't think that second husbands / stepfathers are necessarily second class citizens. A couple of close friends really have tight bonds with their stepdads, especially if their real dads were a mess - it made them appreciate the stability and temperament of their stepdad.
I do think that if you make it a constant "me or the kids" battle you're bound to lose, or at least create furious resentment. The people I know who have good relationships with their stepdads all say that they were very respectful of their real dad and didn't try to shoehorn their way into their lives, just let it happen naturally. And won them over, too, by treating their mother well.
So if you go into it with a bad attitude, it's bound to work out badly if it works out at all. But that's true of many things in life.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Apr 7, 2011 11:44:33 GMT -5
I can't even handle it when my cat throws up. You want me to to have a kid?! Wait. Cats throw up?! ;D
|
|
qofcc
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:30:58 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
|
Post by qofcc on Apr 7, 2011 12:18:03 GMT -5
My ex had grown children. It's not the kids that are a problem. It is the whole extended family, including their mother, that comes with them.
Yeah, that can be a problem. I dated a guy who still felt the need to rescue the mother of his children every time she had a problem. One time I was up on a ladder installing new pipes in the laundry room and she called and said that she had a problem with the pipes under her kitchen sink. He literally took the tool box with the plumbing supplies that I was working with and walked out the door to go rescue her. WTF?! He didn't last long after that.
|
|