Dating someone with kids

[Deleted]

Why? Because I don't want to be a divorce statistic or because I don't want to be a martyr?

[zibazinski]

I think CraftySarah has her head on straight. You don't put your kids over your spouse or you will end up with no spouse. That is not saying neglect your children but if you make them the be all and end all, you will be left with nothing when they do what they are supposed to do-move on with their lives and leave you behind-alone. The RIGHT spouse also is into the kids but not to the exclusion of you. That is the fastest way to divorce after the kids leave home.

[Deleted]

Exalt for the back-up!

[Deleted]

I didn't mean put kids over spouse, I mean they should be on the same playing field like MissR said. Putting your spouse before your kids is just as wrong as putting your kids before your spouse. But the new spouse or SO needs to realize that it won't be all about them all the time and the parent needs to be a parent. PERIOD. If either party can't handle that, they need to bail on the relationship.

[zibazinski]

No, but you should always know that you do. Just like you do the best you can for your children, your children also need to see a healthy marital relationship and know that the world does not revolve around them and that parents have rights, too.

[zibazinski]

Case in point, DF loves his DD BIG TIME but she is not happy about our upcoming marriage and is giving him the "silent treatment." Of course she still likes him subsidizing her rent every month so she can live by herself in her nice apartment. Notice she does not return the check? He tolerated it and understood it for awhile because I said she needed time to sort through her feelings. But now he is getting ticked off because she is used to having things HER way and this time he isn't letting her have HER WAY. She's an adult with her own life who still wants to run Daddy's life- just not happening. Why would she even think she could control his actions? Because he has always let her, put her first. To the exclusion of all others including himself. Now he wants to break a 23 year cycle, good luck to that.

[zibazinski]

BTW, that kid was the GLUE that kept that "marriage" together because the two of them made her the GLUE. She goes to college, marriage unravels.

[Deleted]

Zib, it depends on the ages of the children involved. You can't really say that a baby is not going to run your life for at least a couple of years. I've heard of too many situations where the parent is so eager to please their SO that the child ends up being emotionally neglected. IMO if you have kids, you should only enter a new relationship if you know that you're able to balance the two. And yes, there is a "two" at the beginning.

[zibazinski]

Babies can and do run your life but you need to make time for your SO or you will find they make time for someone else. I had 2 VERY demanding babies and it wasn't easy to carve out just SO time but it was a priority for both of us. When they got older we still didn't have much money but we took long walks and they were not invited to come along even though they wanted to. It was OUR time, period.

[zibazinski]

But their dad also took them on stag and date nights once a week for each one, if he could, so he also made special time for them and just one on one.

[Deleted]

I do agree with your overall point that there has to be a strong relationship between the parents as well. My IL's made everything about their kids and now that their kids are out of the house, MIL calls them each a few times a week and is always trying to get them to come visit. It seems like her and FIL never do anything on their own. I do not want our lives to turn out that way.

[zibazinski]

It's a hard balancing act.

[marmar]

I'm not into kids and certainly have no desire to pop out any of my own. So, at this point, I won't even look at someone with kids. (I tried it once, and it didn't turn out well....)

[sue]

"DD was here first if I ever dated again, a person I am dating has to respect that. Doesn't mean she calls the shots, doesn't mean that she runs my life, but she is the main priority in my life because I am all she's got."

This... and just time can be an issue... between my work, schooling, ds's homework (and mine **sigh**), well, there's another day gone. Ds is 11... the time where he doesn't want mom around all the time will come soon enough, but until it does, he is my priority, not dating. It's a personal decision, I don't think another single parent who chooses to date is wrong for doing so. What I do works for us, it may not work for everyone.

[zibazinski]

But try to carve out some time for yourself, even if it's a co-ed softball team or anything. People network these ways and you need to stay interesting as well as have some kind of life of your own. Especially with your DS being 11. He needs to see an active and healthy mom with some sense of self.

[sue]

"But try to carve out some time for yourself, even if it's a co-ed softball team or anything. People network these ways and you need to stay interesting as well as have some kind of life of your own. Especially with your DS being 11. He needs to see an active and healthy mom with some sense of self. "

At the risk of being accused of being a martyr, since the word has already been mentioned earlier... I am fine with my life, I don't need a "life of my own" right now and I could care less if I'm staying interesting enough for the dating scene. If you think that that somehow indicates that I am not active, healthy or have some sense of self... well, it's a free country, you're certainly allowed to express your opinion. Doesn't mean it pertains to me.

[zibazinski]

Someone called you a martyr?

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

Apr 7, 2011 10:16:10 GMT -5 Cookies Galore said:

Apr 7, 2011 10:01:33 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

oh come on Meghan, you know you want your own drooling, pooping Mini-Me...

I can't even handle it when my cat throws up. You want me to to have a kid?!

You made me laugh out loud. Karma for you!

[zibazinski]

You are a GOD. ;D

[zibazinski]

;D

[onemoreday]

I never thought I would be in this postition. The dating again, especially with children, your question made me think. I have thought of dating again, and think I may be ready. I am a widow with two awesome children and I do want someone in my life again. As many have said it will take a special person to fit into our lives and us into theirs, as the children grow older I think it will become easier to date, and marry. We will see, it will be fun. I would date a man with children, although I think I would prefer older children.