Getting my stuff together

[debthaven]

Even if you get through only 5 or 6 of those pages by then, it's a good start Sam. Do you have a friend/sibling who can help you? Can you take a day or a couple of half-days off to do it? It's important, so you may have to set aside time for that, even if you either do some of the pages in detail or all of them in less detail.

chen35 I have wondered that too. It could also be that whenever something "major" happens, Sam's H tells the people he is close to, and they tell him that HE (and not Sam) was wrong/out of line. So then he goes all sweetness and light on Sam for a few nanoseconds to try to put things right with her.

But Sam, maybe better to change your name (and password)? Better safe than sorry.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sam ask your counselor for a recommendation for a divorce counselor.

They can help with everything in a way average cousenlors can't. Tgey can also help the kids navigate their thoughts and feelings and work with all if you thru the transition.

I would suggest H go too but based on your posts nothing would likely come of it and he'd likely sabotage it.

But at least look into it for you and the kids.

[Blonde Granny]

Nov 13, 2018 14:07:25 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I don't know if hes reading or not.

I feel ok about the decision, but the 9 pages of info to gather before I meet with the lawyer is daunting.

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you Sam....but be sure you tell the attorney the absolute truth.  Don't white wash your situation or the behavior of your DH. 

Granny

[NastyWoman]

Nov 12, 2018 17:33:43 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Nov 12, 2018 15:28:48 GMT -5 debthaven said:

Also, Sam, this isn't very kind, but given that he finally gets a regular paycheck (this was the first I've heard about that) I wouldn't hesitate to use that money to pay stuff off if you can before you pull the trigger.

Lord know you've been supporting him for long enough.

Know what's funny? He is eligible for benefits now. He didn't tell me until after he had let the sign up period lapse. He doesnt want to get benefits because then they would make him actually clock in & out, and right now he's getting by with not doing that (and the office admin is PISSED about it too). 

Pulled the credit reports. Turns out the ones showing for him are the joint ones we have, so that's a LOT better than I had thought. And he doesn't have current cards for those, so I feel a lot better. If we sell the houses, we could be out of debt jointly rather quickly. 

And the joke will be on him. Divorce is a qualifying life changing event, so he will have to sign up for his own benefits whether he wants to or not. He may actually make a decent income if they force him to "clock in & out" → like in being present to work...

[Pants]

Sam, I have some thoughts. Take them or leave them based on whatever you think might be useful. 

1) This is really hard, and I don't know what he said to your counselor that got you to this point, but I support your choices to make your life better.
2) Im really fucking proud of you. 
3) I think you deserve happiness, no matter what happens. I also think this will get you closer to it eventually. I am so full of hope for you. 
4) How much can you rock the boat to get you to a better place over the next couple of months? This bullshit where he nickel and dimes you over finances is... worrisome. Is there a version of this where you say "We've run up our credit cards and need to start paying those down. I am going to take $X00 out of your account on the 1st and 15th and put that money towards that so that we are getting ourselves in a better financial position?" That might bring on a fight you could win, it might tip your hand, I don't know. But the fact that you seem to pay for everything for you, the house, the kids, and he pays for a new car and Christmas candy and then grills you over money he said you can have access to is not helpful. If you can take *some* money, not have to justify it, and say "I'm paying debt", would that be an effort worth making? 
5) How much savings do you have? Enough for the retainer for the lawyer? If not, that's step one.
6) Again, this is hard stuff. Keep taking one step at a time. Chip away where you can.

Youre doing great.  

[Deleted]

It doesn't feel right to say I am happy for you, because divorce isn't something I get happy about. But sometimes it really is the best thing to do and the only way to get back on the path to happiness.

Having said that, I'm sure you know you have a lot of ladies, me included, that really want you to have some peace and a joyful life. And if this is what it takes (and having read here a long time, it seems that it is), then more power to you. I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision and getting through it won't be easy either, but know that we are here to encourage you and give you moral support. We support you doing what is best for you and for your children. I know I do. We want you and them to thrive and be happy!

I'm glad you are already talking to an attorney. Do you think you should maybe have counseling lined up for your oldest, so if there comes a time during or after the process that you think it's needed, you'll already have someone in mind?

Try to use this time wisely. The more prepared you are before you set the wheels in motion, the less scrambling you'll have to do later.

Also, I don't know your husband personally, but I get the impression that it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to have a plan in place in case you need to get the hell out of dodge immediately. At least move all your important documents out of the house beforehand. 

From reading your posts here, it seems that you've tried and tried. There is no shame in having reached your limit. I've always believed it is better for our children to leave a toxic or bad marriage than to stay and suffer "for the kids". Having at least one parent that is doing ok on their own and at peace is better than having 2 miserable parents in the same house. Just my opinion. I'm just an anonymous poster on the internet, but I'm proud of you.

[justme]

Nov 13, 2018 20:55:29 GMT -5 Pants said:

Sam, I have some thoughts. Take them or leave them based on whatever you think might be useful. 

1) This is really hard, and I don't know what he said to your counselor that got you to this point, but I support your choices to make your life better.
2) Im really fucking proud of you. 
3) I think you deserve happiness, no matter what happens. I also think this will get you closer to it eventually. I am so full of hope for you. 
4) How much can you rock the boat to get you to a better place over the next couple of months? This bullshit where he nickel and dimes you over finances is... worrisome. Is there a version of this where you say "We've run up our credit cards and need to start paying those down. I am going to take $X00 out of your account on the 1st and 15th and put that money towards that so that we are getting ourselves in a better financial position?" That might bring on a fight you could win, it might tip your hand, I don't know. But the fact that you seem to pay for everything for you, the house, the kids, and he pays for a new car and Christmas candy and then grills you over money he said you can have access to is not helpful. If you can take *some* money, not have to justify it, and say "I'm paying debt", would that be an effort worth making? 
5) How much savings do you have? Enough for the retainer for the lawyer? If not, that's step one.
6) Again, this is hard stuff. Keep taking one step at a time. Chip away where you can.

Youre doing great.  

So much #4!!!!

In my mind I'd almost start living how I think it should have been. Him contributing half the money, him doing any chore regarding his stuff. You'd know better if it'd rock the boat, but I'd think at this point it'd be worth it to get the money he should have been contributing now while you have access to it.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Nov 13, 2018 19:34:08 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Nov 12, 2018 17:33:43 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Know what's funny? He is eligible for benefits now. He didn't tell me until after he had let the sign up period lapse. He doesnt want to get benefits because then they would make him actually clock in & out, and right now he's getting by with not doing that (and the office admin is PISSED about it too). 

Pulled the credit reports. Turns out the ones showing for him are the joint ones we have, so that's a LOT better than I had thought. And he doesn't have current cards for those, so I feel a lot better. If we sell the houses, we could be out of debt jointly rather quickly. 

And the joke will be on him. Divorce is a qualifying life changing event, so he will have to sign up for his own benefits whether he wants to or not. He may actually make a decent income if they force him to "clock in & out" → like in being present to work...

I can't believe they let him get away with that. I'm assuming he's supposed to benefits or no if the admin is pissed about it.

They didn't care much about butt in seat time at the university but I still was expected to have core hours that came to a total of 8 per day.

[raeoflyte]

Nov 13, 2018 22:21:54 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Nov 13, 2018 19:34:08 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

And the joke will be on him. Divorce is a qualifying life changing event, so he will have to sign up for his own benefits whether he wants to or not. He may actually make a decent income if they force him to "clock in & out" → like in being present to work...

I can't believe they let him get away with that. I'm assuming he's supposed to benefits or no if the admin is pissed about it.

They didn't care much about butt in seat time at the university but I still was expected to have core hours that came to a total of 8 per day.

100% commission is different though.  You're only paid what you produce so as long as you're bringing in more than you're taking up, and making money for those above you the details of when don't matter that much.  

[Sam_2.0]

He's not only commission anymore. He took on an hourly job at their trading desk when they needed help awhile back. He was licensed, and honestly, not doing great at the commission part anyway.

Tonight was hard. He came home sober, and on time. Had fun with the kids, was nice to me, and took on bedtime of his own accord so I could have a girls night. If the majority of nights were like this, I wouldnt be in this spot now. But, dammit, these are the nights I will miss. He will still have them with the kids, but I wont get to see it

[Pants]

Nov 13, 2018 21:38:26 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

It doesn't feel right to say I am happy for you, because divorce isn't something I get happy about. But sometimes it really is the best thing to do and the only way to get back on the path to happiness.

Having said that, I'm sure you know you have a lot of ladies, me included, that really want you to have some peace and a joyful life. And if this is what it takes (and having read here a long time, it seems that it is), then more power to you. I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision and getting through it won't be easy either, but know that we are here to encourage you and give you moral support. We support you doing what is best for you and for your children. I know I do. We want you and them to thrive and be happy!

I'm glad you are already talking to an attorney. Do you think you should maybe have counseling lined up for your oldest, so if there comes a time during or after the process that you think it's needed, you'll already have someone in mind?

Try to use this time wisely. The more prepared you are before you set the wheels in motion, the less scrambling you'll have to do later.

Also, I don't know your husband personally, but I get the impression that it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to have a plan in place in case you need to get the hell out of dodge immediately. At least move all your important documents out of the house beforehand. 

From reading your posts here, it seems that you've tried and tried. There is no shame in having reached your limit. I've always believed it is better for our children to leave a toxic or bad marriage than to stay and suffer "for the kids". Having at least one parent that is doing ok on their own and at peace is better than having 2 miserable parents in the same house. Just my opinion. I'm just an anonymous poster on the internet, but I'm proud of you.

Sam, as some oth posters have alluded to, (quoting pink for ease) I do think it would be wise to take some precautions regarding your safety. I know your husband isn't abusive physically (as far as you've shared) but there have definitely been some control issues. What he's doing regarding running up the cards and not really contributing to the household... it borders on financial abuse. The way he treats you sometimes also seems to run really close to the line of emotional abuse, if not over it. Your upbringing and the legalism you grew up with doesn't help as that's a hotbed for abusive behaviors. Sometimes, it is dangerous to leave a marriage, even one that hasn't escalated into abuse, or physical abuse. 

If if you call the national hotline for domestic violence, they can help you make a safety plan. He does not have to attack you for them to help you. You can say to them "my husband is sometimes controlling, and he has bipolar disorder that he is not managing effectively, and I am making a plan to divorce him. Can you help me think through how to do that in a way that helps keep me and my children safe?" Some of the things will be like mentioned above - get your documents, and the kids', to your parents and keep them in a box in the basement. Have a backup plan of somewhere to go. They will help you think through things like "If he does X, then I will do Y." "the best time to tell him about wanting a divorce will be A. If he reacts like B, I will do C." 

You should follow your intuition here. Apparently one of the best indicators of whether a relationship will turn violent is to ask the woman in it. I'm not saying you're being abused or that he is necessarily dangerous. I am saying that if this is so,etching you thing could even maybe be a problem, there are resources out there to help you figure a way through it. 

Again, if this isn't helpful please ignore me. And you don't have to respond at all. But it's something that we shouldn't pretend doesn't happen sometimes, and there are ways to get help navigating. 

[Pants]

Nov 13, 2018 23:20:35 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

He's not only commission anymore. He took on an hourly job at their trading desk when they needed help awhile back. He was licensed, and honestly, not doing great at the commission part anyway.

Tonight was hard. He came home sober, and on time. Had fun with the kids, was nice to me, and took on bedtime of his own accord so I could have a girls night. If the majority of nights were like this, I wouldnt be in this spot now. But, dammit, these are the nights I will miss. He will still have them with the kids, but I wont get to see it [img src="http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/sad.png" alt="" src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/sad.png" class="smile"]

I get it. I walked in on DH with B the other night and she was reading/singing Harry Potter and he was playing the guitar and it was just amazing and perfect. But that's not all of a marriage, or a family. 

[Works4me]

Here's the thing though, if there weren't really good times, you never would have married him, you never would have stayed this long and you never would have tried so hard to make it work for so long.

[Deleted]

I've been divorced for almost 5 years now and there are still things I miss horribly.   But, I'd say it's about a 20/80 ratio of stuff I miss/shit I'm glad is out of my life.  I know some divorced people say they miss nothing about their marriage, but I find that hard to believe.  Why would you have gotten married in the first place if that was true?  Sometimes when that 20 is really tearing at me, I replay some of the other stuff over in my head to remind myself that it was a net gain.  I have old text messages and letters and emails if I need any jarring reminders.  Then I'm like "oh yeah, I am much more at peace now, I'm happier, the kids are happier, it was a good decision."

[Chocolate Lover]

Nov 14, 2018 0:06:50 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I've been divorced for almost 5 years now and there are still things I miss horribly.   But, I'd say it's about a 20/80 ratio of stuff I miss/shit I'm glad is out of my life.  I know some divorced people say they miss nothing about their marriage, but I find that hard to believe.  Why would you have gotten married in the first place if that was true?  Sometimes when that 20 is really tearing at me, I replay some of the other stuff over in my head to remind myself that it was a net gain.  I have old text messages and letters and emails if I need any jarring reminders.  Then I'm like "oh yeah, I am much more at peace now, I'm happier, the kids are happier, it was a good decision."

Oh, but it can be true. There's nothing I miss, and I barely recall any good interactions between him and our DS. I'm sure there were some, but he was always an angry Eeyore, so I probably blinked and missed them. 


Sam, I am sooo happy and sad for you all at once. I really do believe your life will be so much more peaceful once you get through all this. 

[andi9899]

Nov 13, 2018 23:20:35 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

He's not only commission anymore. He took on an hourly job at their trading desk when they needed help awhile back. He was licensed, and honestly, not doing great at the commission part anyway.

Tonight was hard. He came home sober, and on time. Had fun with the kids, was nice to me, and took on bedtime of his own accord so I could have a girls night. If the majority of nights were like this, I wouldnt be in this spot now. But, dammit, these are the nights I will miss. He will still have them with the kids, but I wont get to see it

Maybe I'm just a bitch, but my immediate thought was that he's been reading here and has decided to try and get you to change your mind. Once he's accomplished that, he can get back to reality.

[greeniis10]

Nov 14, 2018 14:17:01 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Nov 13, 2018 23:20:35 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

He's not only commission anymore. He took on an hourly job at their trading desk when they needed help awhile back. He was licensed, and honestly, not doing great at the commission part anyway.

Tonight was hard. He came home sober, and on time. Had fun with the kids, was nice to me, and took on bedtime of his own accord so I could have a girls night. If the majority of nights were like this, I wouldnt be in this spot now. But, dammit, these are the nights I will miss. He will still have them with the kids, but I wont get to see it [img src="http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/sad.png" src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/sad.png" class="smile" alt=""]

Maybe I'm just a bitch, but my immediate thought was that he's been reading here and has decided to try and get you to change your mind. Once he's accomplished that, he can get back to reality.

I don't think so. My first thought was that he knows he's in trouble and this is a pathetic attempt at manipulation. Classic, really. Sam, don't let him get to you this way! He knows exactly what he's doing and he won't change. YOU, however, will be so much happier as will your children.

[WholeLottaNothin]

Nov 14, 2018 14:45:26 GMT -5 greeniis10 said:

Nov 14, 2018 14:17:01 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Maybe I'm just a bitch, but my immediate thought was that he's been reading here and has decided to try and get you to change your mind. Once he's accomplished that, he can get back to reality.

I don't think so. My first thought was that he knows he's in trouble and this is a pathetic attempt at manipulation. Classic, really. Sam, don't let him get to you this way! He knows exactly what he's doing and he won't change. YOU, however, will be so much happier as will your children.

That was my exact thought too

[Sam_2.0]

I filled out 90% of the paperwork while I was at work today, unless the folder in my locked file cabinet. It'll be easier to accumulate the documents and keep them all there. He asked me if I wanted to meet him up at his favorite local bar tonight and I had actually gotten off work early to go get my haircut, so I said yes. I showed up and we chatted and made small talk, and then he turned to talk to the guy next to him. I didn't even feel like I was on a date with somebody, I felt like it I had just run into an old friend from high school or something.

Sorry if that's kind of jumbled. I'm using voice text and really don't want to go back to edit it

[zibazinski]

Nov 14, 2018 18:13:39 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I filled out 90% of the paperwork while I was at work today, unless the folder in my locked file cabinet. It'll be easier to accumulate the documents and keep them all there. He asked me if I wanted to meet him up at his favorite local bar tonight and I had actually gotten off work early to go get my haircut, so I said yes. I showed up and we chatted and made small talk, and then he turned to talk to the guy next to him. I didn't even feel like I was on a date with somebody, I felt like it I had just run into an old friend from high school or something.

Sorry if that's kind of jumbled. I'm using voice text and really don't want to go back to edit it

It’s hard for him to maintain his “act.” He knows you’ve had it. Why meet at a bar anyway? That encourages his drinking problem.

[Jaguar]

Nov 14, 2018 18:28:09 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Nov 14, 2018 18:13:39 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I filled out 90% of the paperwork while I was at work today, unless the folder in my locked file cabinet. It'll be easier to accumulate the documents and keep them all there. He asked me if I wanted to meet him up at his favorite local bar tonight and I had actually gotten off work early to go get my haircut, so I said yes. I showed up and we chatted and made small talk, and then he turned to talk to the guy next to him. I didn't even feel like I was on a date with somebody, I felt like it I had just run into an old friend from high school or something.

Sorry if that's kind of jumbled. I'm using voice text and really don't want to go back to edit it

It’s hard for him to maintain his “act.” He knows you’ve had it. Why meet at a bar anyway? That encourages his drinking problem.

I think this was her lawyer.

[NoNamePerson]

Nov 14, 2018 0:06:50 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I've been divorced for almost 5 years now and there are still things I miss horribly.   But, I'd say it's about a 20/80 ratio of stuff I miss/shit I'm glad is out of my life.  I know some divorced people say they miss nothing about their marriage, but I find that hard to believe.  Why would you have gotten married in the first place if that was true?  Sometimes when that 20 is really tearing at me, I replay some of the other stuff over in my head to remind myself that it was a net gain.  I have old text messages and letters and emails if I need any jarring reminders.  Then I'm like "oh yeah, I am much more at peace now, I'm happier, the kids are happier, it was a good decision."

I'm one of those. We have a great kiddo but other that it is just an 18 period of my life. I can't sit here and say I miss one thing - and I wasn't in a bad marriage either. It's like childbirth - I don't miss a dang thing about it either

But to Sam_2.0 I wish you the best. I haven't read the whole thread but you will come out on the other side a stronger and happier person.  

[Pants]

Nov 14, 2018 18:28:09 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Nov 14, 2018 18:13:39 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I filled out 90% of the paperwork while I was at work today, unless the folder in my locked file cabinet. It'll be easier to accumulate the documents and keep them all there. He asked me if I wanted to meet him up at his favorite local bar tonight and I had actually gotten off work early to go get my haircut, so I said yes. I showed up and we chatted and made small talk, and then he turned to talk to the guy next to him. I didn't even feel like I was on a date with somebody, I felt like it I had just run into an old friend from high school or something.

Sorry if that's kind of jumbled. I'm using voice text and really don't want to go back to edit it

It’s hard for him to maintain his “act.” He knows you’ve had it. Why meet at a bar anyway? That encourages his drinking problem.

Because her husband invited her out?

[oped]

This isn't the first time he's 'behaved like he's trying' for a short period of time. Its worked for him before. Let him think it might again.... but just let him think that....

[NastyWoman]

Nov 13, 2018 23:20:35 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

He's not only commission anymore. He took on an hourly job at their trading desk when they needed help awhile back. He was licensed, and honestly, not doing great at the commission part anyway.

Tonight was hard. He came home sober, and on time. Had fun with the kids, was nice to me, and took on bedtime of his own accord so I could have a girls night. If the majority of nights were like this, I wouldnt be in this spot now. But, dammit, these are the nights I will miss. He will still have them with the kids, but I wont get to see it [img src="http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/sad.png" src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/sad.png" class="smile" alt=""]

I propose that you go over to the job thread and read NomoreDramaQ1015 post on how she felt when someone gave her notepads at her new job because she had forgotten to bring her notebook.

That is YOU in the post above. So grateful for the tiniest bit of decency.

Yes it is better if you can remember the good times, but don't forget that you are leaving because of the (really) bad times.

[Pants]

Nov 14, 2018 18:48:15 GMT -5 oped said:

This isn't the first time he's 'behaved like he's trying' for a short period of time. Its worked for him before. Let him think it might again.... but just let him think that....

Yup. 

[zibazinski]

Nov 14, 2018 18:40:59 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

Nov 14, 2018 18:28:09 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

It’s hard for him to maintain his “act.” He knows you’ve had it. Why meet at a bar anyway? That encourages his drinking problem.

I think this was her lawyer.

She met her husband at the bar not her lawyer

[zibazinski]

You’re stil young and you’re employed. It’s going to be hard for awhile just not financially but emotionally. But you and your children deserve so much better and not only do you not want to be treated this way, you don’t want your children thinking this is normal or what to expect from life or their partner. Someone as cute as you are will find a good partner someday and it’ll make all the difference in the world. After being with DH who treated me well, I won’t accept anything less. I never felt worthy of better before so that’s what I attracted. The unworthy.

[Sam_2.0]

I took my diamond ring off about a week ago. He hasn't even noticed. The only ring I'm wearing is the simple gold band that used to be my grandma's that was given to me after she passed away. And I've been wearing it as my wedding band ever since.. She had made plans to leave my grandpa, and then found out 3 months later that she had cancer, and within just a few weeks she was gone. She's kind of my inspiration to keep pushing forward and make sure that I don't end up in the same spot.

It's kind of funny. Given the backstory of my grandparents, I had wondered if I was jinxing things by using her ring as my wedding band. Maybe everything turned out the way it was supposed to after all

[finnime]

Maybe everything turned out the way it was supposed to after all

I think that's true, that things do go the way they should in the end. We want to fight the inevitable when it's a big change. Better to embrace the future.