Getting my stuff together

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

A talk I have had now with DH on several occassions is how whacked it is that I have to threaten to leave before he pulls his head out of his ass.   That's not how a marriage should work.

Stop and ask  yourself why it's only when you start to pull away suddenly DH decides he's had a major epiphany.  It's also been clear in your posts that as soon as you let your guard down and think about staying he's back to square one.

Follow thru is what is counts.   Only you can decide if you want to stick around to see if this time will be the time he actually follows thru.

He needs to have an epiphany eventually for his own sake and that of the kids if he's going to be a good father.   So if he had one that is good and you can support him.   However that does not mean you are required to stay married to him.   Keeping that in mind is what has kept me from murdering DH and keep things in perspective.

[Sam_2.0]

I totally get what you are saying, Pants. We will see. I'm moving over to the guest room tonight. I am going to enjoy actually sleeping and having my safe spot. I also told him that I am working late and then taking my time coming home tomorrow and he was in charge of being home on time and all things related to the kids. He did not push back at all, and apologized for making me feel like I had to ask permission to get time to myself. He didn't ask what I would be doing, just said have fun and he had things under control at home.

[Pants]

May 28, 2019 16:20:38 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

I totally get what you are saying, Pants. We will see. I'm moving over to the guest room tonight. I am going to enjoy actually sleeping and having my safe spot. I also told him that I am working late and then taking my time coming home tomorrow and he was in charge of being home on time and all things related to the kids. He did not push back at all, and apologized for making me feel like I had to ask permission to get time to myself. He didn't ask what I would be doing, just said have fun and he had things under control at home.

While I am thrilled that he has stepped up in the last 24 hours, the bolded above is... worrisome? Maybe I'm reading into your words too much here, but... safe spot from what? 

[CCL]

I noticed that, too. It made me wonder, why would someone need a "safe spot" in their own home? You should feel "safe" everywhere in your residence.

[countrygirl2]

I have never needed to say something like that in my 51 years of marriage.  I am so sorry for whatever you are going through.

[andi9899]

I read it as a "safe" spot from his alternating between playing victim and wanting sex. I never got the notion that she actually feared for her safety. I may be wrong.

[chapeau]

May 28, 2019 21:13:52 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

I read it as a "safe" spot from his alternating between playing victim and wanting sex. I never got the notion that she actually feared for her safety. I may be wrong.

Yeah, I was thinking “my space” where she doesn’t have to deal with anything she doesn’t want to.

[Sam_2.0]

Safe spot is where I can sleep and not be touched. Since I was molested as a kid, I cannot sleep if I am being touched at all. Having my own bed is ideal. And he snores....I want to smother him.

[chiver78]

May 28, 2019 21:13:52 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

I read it as a "safe" spot from his alternating between playing victim and wanting sex. I never got the notion that she actually feared for her safety. I may be wrong.

ditto. hugs, sam....

[Pants]

May 28, 2019 21:46:00 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Safe spot is where I can sleep and not be touched. Since I was molested as a kid, I cannot sleep if I am being touched at all. Having my own bed is ideal. And he snores....I want to smother him.

Yeah this is pretty much along the lines of what I was thinking. Sorry, sam.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I'm kind of jealous that Sam has a spare room/bed.  I sleep on the couch during the week and Dh takes the couch on weekends.  Between snoring and the damn hot flashes, we are not compatible sleep together-ers right now. 

[Sam_2.0]

I guess that's the one nice thing about him trying to fill every corner of our house - we have enough to pretty well outfit two houses. May work in our favor here soon.

[Opti]

May 28, 2019 21:46:00 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Safe spot is where I can sleep and not be touched. Since I was molested as a kid, I cannot sleep if I am being touched at all. Having my own bed is ideal. And he snores....I want to smother him.

  Sorry to hear about the molestation. 

[Sam_2.0]

H seems pretty genuine. Its easy enough to keep it up for a bit. I just don't trust him so I really don't trust that its real. Or even if it is, I think its just too late. At best I hope he does what he needs to in order to be a good dad and a functioning adult.

[Wisconsin Beth]

May 31, 2019 13:27:34 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

H seems pretty genuine. Its easy enough to keep it up for a bit. I just don't trust him so I really don't trust that its real. Or even if it is, I think its just too late. At best I hope he does what he needs to in order to be a good dad and a functioning adult.

But he's in sales, right?  He'd need to be good at seeming genuine. 

[Sam_2.0]

he is in sales. and he was an actor. and a debator. you all please remind me to never get involved with someone like that again, ok?

[Pants]

May 31, 2019 14:32:44 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

he is in sales. and he was an actor. and a debator. you all please remind me to never get involved with someone like that again, ok?

Well, I mean you also gotta stop thinking about banging ultra-conservative dudes. Life is a journey.

[Sam_2.0]

.

[MJ2.0]

you can totally bang a conservative dude - just don't date him!

[Pants]

May 31, 2019 20:39:06 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

you can totally bang a conservative dude - just don't date him!

I don’t think rewarding them for being cavemen is an effective behavior modificatio. strategy.

[MJ2.0]

May 31, 2019 21:15:13 GMT -5 Pants said:

May 31, 2019 20:39:06 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

you can totally bang a conservative dude - just don't date him!

I don’t think rewarding them for being cavemen is an effective behavior modificatio. strategy. [img src="http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/wink.png" class="smile" src="//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/wink.png" alt=""]

I mean I guess if we're actually trying to make a positive impact on society, you may have a point...

[Pants]

May 31, 2019 13:27:34 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

H seems pretty genuine. Its easy enough to keep it up for a bit. I just don't trust him so I really don't trust that its real. Or even if it is, I think its just too late. At best I hope he does what he needs to in order to be a good dad and a functioning adult.

Being serious here for a moment, has he been to therapy this week? Have you talked anymore about his breakthrough? Or has he given you the space you've asked for? 

Im glad things are going well for now. And I want to point out that you don't trust him for many, many very good and valid reasons that are your brain trying to protect itself from being let down again. He may be sincere, this may be him turning a corner, but trust once lost is very hard to regain. Even if he does literally everything right from now on, you can't force yourself to feel trust you don't believe in. Im not trying to push either way, just trying to articulate that even if he has changed, it doesn't have to necessarily change what you need or want. 

Hope me this weekend goes well. 

[WholeLottaNothin]

Checking in to see how everyone is doing. I have been reading along but not posting. Hugs to all that need them.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I hope this weekend goes ok for everyone.  DH bought  himself an expensive DNA kit thing addon so his present was taken care of by him.  The kids did stuff in school for dads, since they only got out this week so I'm feeling off the hook on needing to get/do anything, personally.  I did ask K if she was planning on making food for him and reminded her that the oven is dead so it can't be anything baked.  I think she opted for waffles, which is a box mix and easy. 

[Sam_2.0]

So. As the OP and resident drama maker...

This is a fucking shit show.

I cheated on H. With the one you all would guess. I *know*. I know. I tried for so long to keep the upper hand. And in there somewhere I just finally wanted to get laid.

And oh boy, did I.

It's been more years than I can count since that happened. It was all me. I was in charge here. I 100% said when it would happen.and OMG. It was so amazing.

H found out because he tracked my phone. Rookie mistake on my part. Creepy stalker on his. Obvs we all had issues.

So. H found out. Hes pissed, obviously. But he didnt leave. I had my out but didnt leave, because I felt like shit and didnt want that to be the catalyst. I've put up with too much to have it end like that. No fucking way he is going to win that easily after all that has happened.

So. Here it is.

[simser]

I'm not going to judge you because I did the same thing when I needed to get out of my marriage. Except my ex-DH didn't find out, knew I was going to hang out with the guy and told me to say hi to the guy. It was odd.

Anyways. You have to decide what to do now. But this is a good time to sit and decide what you want, how you want to proceed. We are behind you, be true to yourself.

[justme]

Ummmm I'm not married and never have been, but...

Staying married just to "not lose" is, well, a way to make a whole lot lose.

Though your husband is still an asshole for stalking you after all his bartender shit. Part of me wonders if it's from that paranoia because you yourself are guilty, but not sure it matters.

[CCL]

Jun 21, 2019 22:44:56 GMT -5 simser said:

I'm not going to judge you because I did the same thing when I needed to get out of my marriage. Except my ex-DH didn't find out, knew I was going to hang out with the guy and told me to say hi to the guy. It was odd.

Anyways. You have to decide what to do now. But this is a good time to sit and decide what you want, how you want to proceed. We are behind you, be true to yourself.

[Works4me]

L2W - sending hugs, just love and hugs.

I'm trying to figure out what I want to do but it is all so complex and complicated. Things just seem to be smoothing out then boom! Something else pops up.

[andi9899]

Who really cares who wins or who loses? If you're done, you're done. He's been done for a long time and so have you. Just be done already. Are you worried about how you are going to look in the eyes of the church? I thought you were done with that too. Why not get started on the road to being happy ASAP? Why drag it out?