Getting my stuff together

[Pants]

May 10, 2019 9:43:12 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

May 10, 2019 8:27:01 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

So his idea for Mother's day is to have you cook and clean?

That's not how he intended it, but he's bad at time management.  Anything he needed done by Sunday, needed to be done yesterday.  But yesterday morning Sunday still felt so far away and sometime tonight or tomorrow morning will come the realization that there aren't enough hours to work, sleep, and get everything on that to do list done.  He's great in a crisis.  Mundane though is his achilles heel.  

I know I don't have to do anything.  I could leave everything as-is, and if the place is a wreck and his family decides they are coming, I could go to the movies and let him deal with it.  I'm not likely to do that, largely for my own ego.  But also because I need the house cleaned by Sunday just so next week doesn't suck so hard.  

At what point do intentions cease to matter more than behavior? (Philosophical question.)

[raeoflyte]

May 10, 2019 9:39:28 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

May 10, 2019 8:24:53 GMT -5 swamp said:

You know, you don't have to clean.   He invited, he cleans.   

And then order pizza. 

Yep. I generally throw whatever's sitting on my dining table into a shoe box and take it to my room, move things small children shouldn't have and if that isn't good enough they can find somewhere else to be.  

I used to tell my great aunt when she was worrying about her floors or whatever else wasn't up to her standard, that people were coming to see her, not check her housekeeping skills and they could go home if they didn't like it. I decided to listen to myself, even though I'm not in my 80s

Lol.  If the problems would fit in a shoe box, there'd be no problem on my end.  

[raeoflyte]

May 10, 2019 9:46:55 GMT -5 Pants said:

May 10, 2019 9:43:12 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

That's not how he intended it, but he's bad at time management.  Anything he needed done by Sunday, needed to be done yesterday.  But yesterday morning Sunday still felt so far away and sometime tonight or tomorrow morning will come the realization that there aren't enough hours to work, sleep, and get everything on that to do list done.  He's great in a crisis.  Mundane though is his achilles heel.  

I know I don't have to do anything.  I could leave everything as-is, and if the place is a wreck and his family decides they are coming, I could go to the movies and let him deal with it.  I'm not likely to do that, largely for my own ego.  But also because I need the house cleaned by Sunday just so next week doesn't suck so hard.  

At what point do intentions cease to matter more than behavior? (Philosophical question.)

I'm hear ya.  I really do, and if I could go back in time I would change a lot of things.  I'm just not sure I can change much now.  

Thank you all for letting me vent.  I told dh that he needed to get a firm yes or no, but that I'd prefer that he rescind the invite.  

[Chocolate Lover]

May 10, 2019 9:47:33 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

May 10, 2019 9:39:28 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

Yep. I generally throw whatever's sitting on my dining table into a shoe box and take it to my room, move things small children shouldn't have and if that isn't good enough they can find somewhere else to be.  

I used to tell my great aunt when she was worrying about her floors or whatever else wasn't up to her standard, that people were coming to see her, not check her housekeeping skills and they could go home if they didn't like it. I decided to listen to myself, even though I'm not in my 80s

Lol.  If the problems would fit in a shoe box, there'd be no problem on my end.  

well, that's mostly the mail I don't want DH to lose by putting it somewhere dumb. I end up with half a king sized bed full of miscellaneous stuff that was on or around it. 

[Sam_2.0]

Ughghghg. H has been trying to be more flirty lately, but I'm totally not into it. I am honest with him that I'm not, and then I feel like shit because his feelings are hurt. I wish this was easier. That I could actually see my whole future for several different options that I have, and then choose the one I like best. Is that too much to ask for?

[raeoflyte]

May 10, 2019 10:40:18 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Ughghghg. H has been trying to be more flirty lately, but I'm totally not into it. I am honest with him that I'm not, and then I feel like shit because his feelings are hurt. I wish this was easier. That I could actually see my whole future for several different options that I have, and then choose the one I like best. Is that too much to ask for?

Just to clarify, I'm liking for the 2nd half, not the first.  I think that sounds fabulous and definitely not too much to ask. 

Good luck.  

[Wisconsin Beth]

DH doesn't want to be at work today.  He's thinking about going to the kids' thing today, then going home to clean.  I don't want to be at work either but I'm tired of using my vacation time to go home and clean.  So I'm staying put today. 

[debthaven]

raeoflyte you work a lot, and do so much for your family too.

Can you hire a cleaner to make your life easier?

Hugs.

[raeoflyte]

May 10, 2019 16:52:19 GMT -5 debthaven said:

raeoflyte you work a lot, and do so much for your family too.

Can you hire a cleaner to make your life easier?

Hugs.

We have one, although I've gone down to every other month and we're at the end of our 2nd month.  I may increase to once a month again because I really prefer that, but our disaster level is less from real cleaning than it is from just basic systems to keep organized, dishes/laundry, school papers, mail moving, etc.  Everyone will clean, but no one will put away their crap.  Putting together a system that works and is enforced comes down to me, so when I start to fall apart those fall apart and we end up where we're at.  

[Deleted]

May 10, 2019 10:40:18 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Ughghghg. H has been trying to be more flirty lately, but I'm totally not into it. I am honest with him that I'm not, and then I feel like shit because his feelings are hurt. I wish this was easier. That I could actually see my whole future for several different options that I have, and then choose the one I like best. Is that too much to ask for?

What you mean is that your husband wants sex.  Somehow for guys sex can be totally detached from whatever else is going on in the universe.  The sky could be falling, and every guy I've known would say, "That's awful! We have to deal with that as soon as we have sex."

[oped]

May 10, 2019 19:08:40 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

May 10, 2019 10:40:18 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Ughghghg. H has been trying to be more flirty lately, but I'm totally not into it. I am honest with him that I'm not, and then I feel like shit because his feelings are hurt. I wish this was easier. That I could actually see my whole future for several different options that I have, and then choose the one I like best. Is that too much to ask for?

What you mean is that your husband wants sex.  Somehow for guys sex can be totally detached from whatever else is going on in the universe.  The sky could be falling, and every guy I've known would say, "That's awful! We have to deal with that as soon as we have sex."

Or even... I bet sex would help...

[busymom]

<snort>   One of my former coworkers, when she & her husband were going their separate ways,  was told by her husband that he wanted sex one more time to "remember her by".     I think some men think sex is like a band-aid.  It'll fix anything.  (Or, maybe it's like duct tape...)  

[Pants]

May 10, 2019 19:34:46 GMT -5 busymom said:

<snort>   One of my former coworkers, when she & her husband were going their separate ways,  was told by her husband that he wanted sex one more time to "remember her by".     I think some men think sex is like a band-aid.  It'll fix anything.  (Or, maybe it's like duct tape...)  

I mean, whether it’s a band aid or duct tape kind of depends on the guy, wouldn’t you say?

[oped]

As long as it's not a glue stick...

[debthaven]

I may increase to once a month again because I really prefer that

raeoflyte do it. You're worth it.

[buystoys]

I agree with debthaven, raeoflyte.  You are worth it and your peace of mind is worth it as well.  If you can afford it, don't stint on yourself for no real reason.

[NastyWoman]

May 13, 2019 11:30:02 GMT -5 debthaven said:

I may increase to once a month again because I really prefer that

raeoflyte do it. You're worth it.

  Reading these posts I "forgot" that Rae was definitely NOT talking about sex.  

Yes Rae get your cleaning lady to come at least once a month. It may keep the clutter better at bay as well since stuff needs to be in its place in order to do a decent cleaning job

[Sam_2.0]

So....

Things with H are...neutral. we are roommates for now. We do enjoy each other's company but there is no romance. We went to San Diego with the two of us (omg, he annoyed me), and we went to St Louis with the kids (he annoyed me more....). We have been watching Big Bang Theory when the kids go to bed and it's been a fun thing to do together. We get along fine. No fighting or shouting at all, and not nearly as much tension. But still not a romantic thing.maybe that's just not in the cards for me. Or at least not right now.

[gs11rmb]

Sam_2.0 are you still seeing a couples therapist?  I'm glad to hear the tension in your house has decreased but the whole situation still sounds very sad to me.

[Sam_2.0]

We quit the one therapist because H hated him. Then we quite the next one because I couldn't stand that guy. Not going anywhere right now. Honestly, we are working together for family stuff and getting along OK. There's just no romance to be found. I can deal with that for now. We did have a good talk about it today actually.

[Pants]

May 15, 2019 11:40:54 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

We quit the one therapist because H hated him. Then we quite the next one because I couldn't stand that guy. Not going anywhere right now. Honestly, we are working together for family stuff and getting along OK. There's just no romance to be found. I can deal with that for now. We did have a good talk about it today actually.

This is kind of where I'm at as well. As long as DH doesn't ask more of me than I'm giving right now, I can live. But any demands or even pouting over something he thinks I should be doing that I'm not and I start to feel like I need to gnaw my own leg off to get out of it all. 

[NastyWoman]

May 15, 2019 11:40:54 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

We quit the one therapist because H hated him. Then we quite the next one because I couldn't stand that guy. Not going anywhere right now. Honestly, we are working together for family stuff and getting along OK. There's just no romance to be found. I can deal with that for now. We did have a good talk about it today actually.

Is that the therapist that told H to look into a mirror (my translation) and fix the problems he saw there?

I will say what I have said before: work really hard at getting rid of all your debt and start saving like crazy. On the off chance that this relationship works out, it will set you up for your future. If it does not, it will make things easier once you split up.

[debthaven]

Sam_2.0 that is REALLY great advice from NastyWoman . Either way, you win.

I'll go a step further and tell your DH oh no, things are tight for X or Y reason (like he's going to check), so you need MORE of his income to pay stuff off.

Gd knows he didn't have any money for long enough. And when he finally did, he spent it all on himself. He has a LOT of catching up to do.

Hugs.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

DH are in a rough place again too. He's developed anxiety which likely is due to a major chemical imbalance due to being clean for the first time in close to 15 years.

He's taking meds but it's hard to gauge if they are effective or not.

My frustration stems from instead of getting help he is wallowing. He stayed home again from work because he had a panic attack.

I understand anxiety but I don't understand the pity party. I didn't get to stay home and wallow when I had a nervous breakdown working at the hospital. I was so bad my gyno warned me my BP was in stroke/heart attack territory.



I kept going for my family's sake. I got off my ass and found another job. I tried meds which unfortunately had bad side effects but have appeared to do what I set out for and reset my normal.

He's mad at me because I don't get it. Umm..what? And we're back to I'm not supportive.



I chucked a notebook at his head that has a list of in network psychologists in it and told him to pick one. I can't hold his hand due to HIPAA plus this is beyond my scope.

He is free to wallow from now on. I went out to dinner with the girls and we bought some shoes at Payless. He can fet whatever jollies he's getting out of refusing help while I live my life.

[ners]

Hugs NomoreDramaQ1015

[justme]

As the advice columnists I like say: having a mental illness does not excuse being an asshole.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

May 17, 2019 20:42:24 GMT -5 justme said:

As the advice columnists I like say: having a mental illness does not excuse being an asshole.

Exactly. It was a slap in the face to be told I can't get what he's going thru.


You aren't some special snowflake. I'm getting frustrated with this notion I'm supposed to be all sympathetic towards his situation.

When you consider how little I've gotten from him in terms of emotional support he should count himself fortunate all I did was throw at notebook at him.

[justme]

May 17, 2019 20:53:33 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

May 17, 2019 20:42:24 GMT -5 justme said:

As the advice columnists I like say: having a mental illness does not excuse being an asshole.

Exactly. It was a slap in the face to be told I can't get what he's going thru.


You aren't some special snowflake. I'm getting frustrated with this notion I'm supposed to be all sympathetic towards his situation.

When you consider how little I've gotten from him in terms of emotional support he should count himself fortunate all I did was throw at notebook at him.

Him just willfully "forgetting" what you went through is just crap. It bled through the boards, there's no way he missed it in person. His head's just stuck up his ass. The self centeredness that comes with addiction sucks.

[Pants]

May 17, 2019 20:53:33 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

May 17, 2019 20:42:24 GMT -5 justme said:

As the advice columnists I like say: having a mental illness does not excuse being an asshole.

Exactly. It was a slap in the face to be told I can't get what he's going thru.


You aren't some special snowflake. I'm getting frustrated with this notion I'm supposed to be all sympathetic towards his situation.

When you consider how little I've gotten from him in terms of emotional support he should count himself fortunate all I did was throw at notebook at him.

Hey drama - I totally get why you're angry. On SO MANY levels at this point. 

But I do want to say, that one of the most insidious things about mental illness is how hard it makes getting help for yourself. When I was first dealing with anxiety, I had a list of providers and even picking up the phone to call one was too much. I went into an anxiety spiral just trying to figure out how to find someone to tell that I had anxiety. 

I know now he's being shitty and I know you are at the end of your rope dealing with his issues and being the sole adult in your house. I get why you are so so frustrated. And yes he was being an asshole. I just wanted to say that. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I know too. It's why I haven't killed him and buried him the backyard.

But I'm exhausted. It seems like every time I get in a good place he creates some crisis.

I'm done. I won't abandon him or anything and I'm happy to help sort out things like insurance. I'm good at that stuff.

But I'm done staying home while he hides in the bedroom all day. I'm done feeling guilty about enjoying my life and the girls shouldn't miss out either.


He commented that we looked so happy at the zoo on Friday and maybe it was because he wasn't there. I didn't correct him.





He doesn't want to be ignored and have us treat him like a wet blanket he can quit wallowing. The girls want their daddy involved. They aren't stupid they see him and respond accordingly.

He wants to wallow he can do it all he wants but he'll have to do it without an auidence.