Getting my stuff together

[raeoflyte]

I didn't get the idea from the article that leaving was to find someone else.  It was more justifying why it's okay to leave just because it's not right for you anymore. 

Admittedly I have a hard time relating to the idea of having difficulty leaving when kids aren't involved.  

[oped]

I guess i was reading more into the answer that the person writing the response was giving... 

[azucena]

Such an interesting discussion, and I so appreciate all of the different viewpoints offered by such strong women here.

For me personally, there have been times I could have walked away because marriage between two sinful people is hard. And it can be difficult for long enough to think leaving would be easier. But then we fall back in sync and most of the time it's enjoyable. Just a different opinion, not weighing in on anyone else's situation but my own.

[justme]

Apr 8, 2019 17:01:37 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

I didn't get the idea from the article that leaving was to find someone else.  It was more justifying why it's okay to leave just because it's not right for you anymore. 

Admittedly I have a hard time relating to the idea of having difficulty leaving when kids aren't involved.  

To me the simplistic point of it is to listen to your gut with a heavy dash of you don't need any reason to want what you want. The letters were all I want to leave, but here's all the reasons how I've talked myself out if because me not wanting to be here is not reason enough for me to go. And sugar just wants to scream that you wanting something is justification enough, don't pretzel yourself miserable just because your happy would causes some pain. Wanting to be happy is enough.

[Pants]

Apr 8, 2019 16:42:25 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Apr 7, 2019 21:53:39 GMT -5 Pants said:

Have you read this? I think about it a lot. 

therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

Huh.

That actually made me feel better.  I don't want to go.  I've been thinking I SHOULD go because other people would go but I don't want to.   It rips me in half when I think about it, I get no sense of relief.

Will that change someday?  IDK.   But for the time being my answer is the same as it was when I walked down the aisle.    I have no idea if that makes me stupid or not but according to the article I have the answer I need at least.

Like I said, you're looking for reasons to stay. No judgement. 

[WholeLottaNothin]

I think that applies to many of us here - looking for a reason to stay. I've thought that a lot regarding Sam in this thread, but ultimately it is her decision as she is the one that deals with the consequences of either choice. Again, no judging, just an observation

[Deleted]

Those of you that feel unattractive and unable/unwilling to spend time and money on yourselves, please, please, find a way to do something just for you even if it's something small. It's not about being attractive to the world, it's about feeling good about yourself.

We were women before before we became wives and mothers, and are still women. Women who DESERVE to do things for ourselves, despite the demands of daily life.

I get it, I raised kids by myself with little to no help of any kind from their Dad. I understand the priorities and I know what it's like to put yourself last. I'm practically begging you ladies to remember that YOU also matter, what makes you happy and makes you feel good about yourself still matters. Take care of your responsibilities and love on your families, but love on yourself too. Don't make a habit of neglecting yourself and don't lose sight of who you are, what you really need and want. It's NOT selfish, even though I know from experience that it often feels that way. 

I could write a book book about this shit. I spent YEARS ignoring a little voice that occasionally whispered "But what about me?" while I catered to the needs and wants of others and ignored my own. Some of it was my responsibility to deal with, a lot of it was not. It was learned behavior and habits I'd started under the pressure of being a single Mom and just wanting to do "right" by others. I forgot to do right by me, half-way forgot what that even looked like. There is a price to be paid for doing that. Don't do it.

[gs11rmb]

And yet again I have a girl crush on @pinkcshmere  .

[Wisconsin Beth]

So I had a therapy session last night.  And I brought up this thread and segued from this into "I'm not sure what I want.  If I want to stay or go"  So I have homework - basically to think about my marriage and what I want out of it. 

[Pants]

Apr 10, 2019 7:33:47 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

So I had a therapy session last night.  And I brought up this thread and segued from this into "I'm not sure what I want.  If I want to stay or go"  So I have homework - basically to think about my marriage and what I want out of it. 

What does the voice inside you say? If conditions were perfect - money and children and property weren't a consideration - does that voice tell you to stay or to go? 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Apr 10, 2019 9:17:28 GMT -5 Pants said:

Apr 10, 2019 7:33:47 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

So I had a therapy session last night.  And I brought up this thread and segued from this into "I'm not sure what I want.  If I want to stay or go"  So I have homework - basically to think about my marriage and what I want out of it. 

What does the voice inside you say? If conditions were perfect - money and children and property weren't a consideration - does that voice tell you to stay or to go? 

Depends on the day. 

ETA - the therapist (I'm going to refer to her as D) commented on it.  I started talking about summer stuff and then somehow ended up talking about vacations with DH and the kids.  Which is when she gave me the homework...

[Value Buy]

Apr 5, 2019 9:49:55 GMT -5 swamp said:

I think the whole notion that one person can give you what you need for life is bullshit.   

My wife absolutely does.
Me, the jury is still out.......

[swamp]

Apr 10, 2019 10:24:59 GMT -5 Value Buy said:

Apr 5, 2019 9:49:55 GMT -5 swamp said:

I think the whole notion that one person can give you what you need for life is bullshit.   

My wife absolutely does.
Me, the jury is still out.......

I'm happy she is your all.  You are lucky.  

[Wisconsin Beth]

How's everyone doing? 

DH spilled some stuff over the weekend and I'm processing. 

He was propositioned over FB by a woman he'd met on Thursday at a class.  He's feeling all sorts of feels about that and basically doesn't like it. 

He's stressed, sore and feels like he (and us, in general) are in a rut and he'd like to get out of it somehow.  Some of it is physical and some of it is emotional/mental, it seems. 

I'm stressed and sore.  And not wanting to do my own emotional work, much less his. 

[giramomma]

Apr 22, 2019 9:37:35 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

How's everyone doing? 

DH spilled some stuff over the weekend and I'm processing. 

He was propositioned over FB by a woman he'd met on Thursday at a class.  He's feeling all sorts of feels about that and basically doesn't like it. 

He's stressed, sore and feels like he (and us, in general) are in a rut and he'd like to get out of it somehow.  Some of it is physical and some of it is emotional/mental, it seems. 

I'm stressed and sore.  And not wanting to do my own emotional work, much less his. 

I'm sorry. That's got to suck.

Is it a good sign that he told you? (I think it is but...not always privy to other ppls relationship details.)

[taz157]

Apr 22, 2019 9:37:35 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

How's everyone doing? 

DH spilled some stuff over the weekend and I'm processing. 

He was propositioned over FB by a woman he'd met on Thursday at a class.  He's feeling all sorts of feels about that and basically doesn't like it. 

He's stressed, sore and feels like he (and us, in general) are in a rut and he'd like to get out of it somehow.  Some of it is physical and some of it is emotional/mental, it seems. 

I'm stressed and sore.  And not wanting to do my own emotional work, much less his. 

Wow on the other woman! 😱😱

I think it’s good that he told you.

[gs11rmb]

I also think it's good that he told you.  You've mentioned before that you both seem to be in a bit of rut, the fact that he recognizes it too should make it easier to address.

Good luck!  I know that I'd be glad my husband told me but also upset about the whole situation.  I'm generally very conscious not to slut shame... but I'm having a hard time refraining with this situation  .

[Sam_2.0]

Wow, Beth. That's got to be difficult. Glad you both are able to talk about it though.

H and I are going to San Diego for a little get away. I'm more excited for the beach than the company. We've been back to neutral for awhile. When my friend passed last week, he did step up and take care of things when I just couldn't mentally handle it. But he also stopped at the car dealership on the way home from the funeral so he could get his car. Infinity QX80. Seriously. Then we had to go buy new carseats for the kids because the ones we had didn't match his interior. I'm just....over it. He makes money now and can afford the payments so I just don't care. but it was pretty low to go spend 5 hours at the dealership when I was barely functioning mentally or physically.

[andi9899]

I wasn't familiar with the car so I looked it up. Holy crap! I really hope it's used because the 2016 base model costs twice what my Nissan does. Why doesn't he save $15-20K and get a Nissan Murano. It's basically the same thing.

[andi9899]

Also, I'm sorry about your friend.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Well, we're not really talking about it.  It's just kind of there, floating in the ether or something. 

I'm sorry about your friend. 

And wow on the carseats needing to match the interior.  That's a higher level of co-ordination than I possess.  What's he going to do when someone gets sick in the car?  Or has a blowout diaper?  Or leaves a sippy with milk in it, under the seat for the summer? 

[Sam_2.0]

Apr 23, 2019 10:31:52 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

I wasn't familiar with the car so I looked it up. Holy crap! I really hope it's used because the 2016 base model costs twice what my Nissan does. Why doesn't he save $15-20K and get a Nissan Murano. It's basically the same thing.

He got a 2015 and it still cost $30k. It has 100,000 miles on it. I think it was a dumb choice but whatever... He thinks since he works with guys in finance that he needs a car like that. Glad I got my car that gets 29mpg because his will be terrible on gas.

[justme]

That's a really expensive car unless he bought it several years used. Hoping that with affording the payments he's still giving his fare share to the family coffers!


Edit: Snort. Yeah, and it's the ones in finance that actually have money in the bank that don't buy flashy shit. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

A quick google search shows 14 city/20 highway, with premium gas. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Apr 23, 2019 10:46:03 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Apr 23, 2019 10:31:52 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

I wasn't familiar with the car so I looked it up. Holy crap! I really hope it's used because the 2016 base model costs twice what my Nissan does. Why doesn't he save $15-20K and get a Nissan Murano. It's basically the same thing.

He got a 2015 and it still cost $30k. It has 100,000 miles on it. I think it was a dumb choice but whatever... He thinks since he works with guys in finance that he needs a car like that. Glad I got my car that gets 29mpg because his will be terrible on gas.

You know Sam_2.0 , this is going to sound terrible but reading about your h makes me appreciate mine more.  Mine is frustrating, annoying, doesn't do his share around the house and keeps telling me how much we owe on the cc, but then wants to plan more waterpark vacations which will go on the card.  But he prefers cars that are gas efficient and compatible with our lives. 

Edited to finish my thought because I got interrupted and forgot where I was. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Apr 23, 2019 10:46:03 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Apr 23, 2019 10:31:52 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

I wasn't familiar with the car so I looked it up. Holy crap! I really hope it's used because the 2016 base model costs twice what my Nissan does. Why doesn't he save $15-20K and get a Nissan Murano. It's basically the same thing.

He got a 2015 and it still cost $30k. It has 100,000 miles on it. I think it was a dumb choice but whatever... He thinks since he works with guys in finance that he needs a car like that. Glad I got my car that gets 29mpg because his will be terrible on gas.

My Traverse cost around $30K, if I remember correctly.  And it was 3 years old with around 30K miles on it when we bought it.  Of course, we promptly dropped another $30K+ on a camper so I'm not really in a place to toss a lot of stones...

[chen35]

Ouch, 30k for a car with 100,000 miles? 
Yikes!

Sorry Sam, that is a lot to deal with on top of everything else.

[swamp]

Apr 23, 2019 10:46:03 GMT -5 Sam_2.0 said:

Apr 23, 2019 10:31:52 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

I wasn't familiar with the car so I looked it up. Holy crap! I really hope it's used because the 2016 base model costs twice what my Nissan does. Why doesn't he save $15-20K and get a Nissan Murano. It's basically the same thing.

He got a 2015 and it still cost $30k. It has 100,000 miles on it. I think it was a dumb choice but whatever... He thinks since he works with guys in finance that he needs a car like that. Glad I got my car that gets 29mpg because his will be terrible on gas.

[justme]

Mine's an 2008 with 100k miles. So a little older model wise, but same age mileagewise and some problems start to show up then.

My brother briefly had an infinity. It was totaled when he hit a light pole in a parking lot at work (dumbass) because it damaged the bumper, grill, and hood plus some stuff in the engine because their shit is so expensive to fix. All I remember is my dad bitching about what a stupid car choice he made every time my dad needed to change the oil or anything. 

[andi9899]

But... But... It's an Infiniti and all the other guys have one. I don't understand the male mind sometimes.