NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 7, 2022 14:28:47 GMT -5
I had no idea that they automatically take control of your finances for your "protection" The lawyer walked me through that. That is why despite the fact I am angry with my dad about getting me into this mess I am not angry at him for what he did. How the hell would he have known? I doubt that the nursing home explained it to him since it was all done through the hospital.
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plugginaway22
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Post by plugginaway22 on Jul 7, 2022 14:47:44 GMT -5
You keep giving your Dad passes. There are some red flags. Why was she 'helping' him when she was very ill? Consider the possibility that he coerced her into giving him money. They don't take control of a person's finances but they can be a watchdog for all the elderly scams that are actually out there. I feel for you and would not want to be in your position.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 7, 2022 15:57:11 GMT -5
She's not ill. She is in the nursing home because she fell. We had to refuse discharge because she lives in the middle of nowhere in terms of services and we have no room for her at either house. It was the only way to get her moved back to the area we live in. She's actually extremely healthy and I could be dealing with her for another 20 years which scares the shit out of me.
She has short term memory problems but she remembered she gave dad permission to help the business and my great uncle. I was extremely specific with month and year so nobody could say I generalized. I have the entire conversation recorded on my phone. I asked her again last week and she said the exact same thing though she cannot remember the amount.
I think my dad was incredibly stupid but no I do not believe he forced my grandma to give him the money. She's been bailing him for longer than I've been alive. She's been supporting GU since before my dad was born. Every single penny is documented to have gone exactly to where was said it was given for. Fortunately grandma does keep meticulous records so it showed her history of bailing them both out and also shows where all the money went.
If the paperwork didn't all line up I'd have questions. The story checks out with the paperwork.
Both lawyers have said they do not believe my dad was out to commit a crime and that he technically didn't do anything wrong since my grandmother is considered competent. Verbal consent is supposed to be enough. It was HOW he went about executing it that he stepped in it.
The both called him an idiot and said he got damn lucky.
That two lawyers said my dad did not abuse my grandma and the police dropped the investigation is enough for me. The money will be paid back and that is enough for me as well.
I'm fine with if it is not enough for other people. I do not have the energy to turn myself into knots over what about isms. It is done.
Even if it was the case I'm POA now so it's still done nothing can happen without my permission so it's still done.
They are dysfunctional and it caught up with them in a spectacular fashion. The three of them, as best two out of three are capable, need to reconcile with themselves. I just sign the damn checks until there is nothing left or she passes.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 7, 2022 17:12:49 GMT -5
NomoreDramaQ1015 I'm so sorry things are turning out the way you are. I am confident you will handle grandma's money the way it should be handled. I think you need lots of You know you can PM me anytime.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 7, 2022 18:26:38 GMT -5
I still don't understand what the nursing home's problem is, though. She's self pay and has sufficient assets to pay for several years. She's getting medical care. The bill is getting paid. They don't have any business knowing your grandma's financial business if they are getting paid. Unless your dad wasn't paying the bill and tried to apply for medicaid, then he's an idiot. No the goal is actually to avoid that as long as possible. The bill has been paid but it was paid late the first couple of times as my dad was racing around getting everything together. She had GU on everything and vice versa. It was interferring with him applying for Medicaid and then he's definitely not in any position to be a POA. He had to get GU declared incompetent legally so he could take GU's place. That took forever y ou can't just remove and add people as you please to this stuff. .. unless you are a nursing home apparently. Then all it takes is an 8x10 piece of printer paper and no witnesses. That started everything off on a bad foot. It made my parents look shady because why wasn't he named in the first place? Cause my grandma is a psycho control freak that's why not because she didn't trust my dad but they don't know that. My dad had no clue until this all happened she still had GU named on EVERYTHING. If she'd named grandpa it would have been easy, just some death certificates. Since GU is living that required a lot of transporting of stubborn old farts all over the Omaha/CB area. When you go into a nursing home they take full stock of your accounts so they know exactly how much money you have. Once you go into a home it automatically grants them the right to monitor your accounts for your protection. The fact that the bill got paid late by a couple months raised red flags. So they looked into it seeing that grandma has been helping bankroll GU's nursing care and she helped my dad. Then here comes my dad with the POA finally set up properly naming him as it should have been since he became an adult. At the very least since my grandfather died. The social worker reported my dad for financial abuse and started the whole thing rolling. The most recent help happened a month before he got approval for POA, that is the one that started the ball rolling because his name was on the damn check. Lawyer said that was mistake numero uno he shouldn't have done that when applying for POA. It's like my Code of Conduct says before you do anything ask yourself "How would outsiders interpret this" and if you come up with anything bad don't fucking do it. He do it instead. I have never heard of this. Is this some specific Iowa law? Now I know Assisted Living facilities usually require some serious financial info before residents arrive, but there is no active monitoring of accounts once they arrive.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 7, 2022 18:28:56 GMT -5
Sorry to hear your Dad was stupid, glad things seem to be improving.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 7, 2022 18:53:56 GMT -5
I'm sure I didn't understand it all but the drive by was that when you enter a nursing home they audit every asset you come in with. If you are private pay they run audits at regular intervals to determine if you still have the money to pay or if the Medicaid process needs to be started. The reasoning for that is apparently it takes awhile and only back dates to the time of application. So they audit your funds to see if you are getting close to that mark. They also have the right to do it if they suspect anything. Since my dad was already digging the grave she decided to do her audit now, saw the money missing and reported him. I have no idea if it is Iowa law. That was pretty much how it was explained to me as to how they knew the money had been withdrawn. My confusion with the nursing home is still why they did not go through the proper channels to revoke POA. Maybe she is too new/eager but I don't trust them either. I don't consider this woman to be a saint who just was protecting my grandma. She's protecting the nursing home's interest just like HR doesn't protect you they protect the company at the end of the day. And that is why I wasn't comfortable talking to her till I talked to the lawyer and had him walk me through it all. I don't like she sent that email to the lawyer. Excuse me I didn't have a schedule for taking grandma to the bank and all of my great uncle's contact information the moment you called. She did not need to interject her opinion that I don't seem to want to do it. No shit that doesn't mean I won't though. Can you give me more than 2 hours to get organized? And you seriously don't think I am not reeling from all this and maybe my response is in relation to the fact I am still processing it? I'm sorry but that upset me. She hasn't even met me yet. I'll give her it was fair to contact the lawyer but why did you need to interject your opinion? I will make nice. DH is going to go with me to make sure I put a smile on my face and act like nothing ever happened. We're going to get a strong box to put all my grandma's stuff in. Lawyer said I don't have to but it wouldn't be a bad idea for me to pull her bank statements every month when I sign the check to say "See look it's all there!" and keep copies for myself. I made sure to read the entire thing what was drawn up specifically says that is exempt. My dad is her next of kin whether they like it or not. You're going to have to deal with him for that or figure out how to use that $9k a month to do your jobs yourselves. And she is not to contact me during work hours unless it is an emergency. I'll give her my availability and my email but I'm not being at her beck and call. The best thing for everyone though to move on is if we can get her placed somewhere else. Way less stress for me. Yeah I can keep my nose clean but the tone with this home has already been set in regards to my family. She's also not going to probably like that I'm going to enforce that I am financial POA only. The lawyer is going to draw up a new medical POA there is no reason they can deny my dad being her medical POA because that doesn't even come into affect for a long time. And even if she got rid of it or blocked it it's a moot point because dad is her next of kin. I am not. So in the event medical decisions need to be made they would defer to him anyhow. So I am going to emphasize that and say please do not call me during work hours unless it is an emergency. For that stuff you contact him or figure out how to use that $9k grandma is paying you to do your job (I'll say it nicer. Here are my hours I am available and here is my email. Lawyer said I absolutely have the right to enforce those boundaries. I'll sign her checks that is where my responsibility in all this ends. Her nd my dad will have to learn to make nice for the rest of it. She cannot block him out of grandma's life entirely the lawyer confirmed this. As long as he has nothing to do with her money from here and I'm with him at least for the foreseeable future as witness to cover our asses we're good. The director cannot ban my father from being involved in grandma's care in any other way.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jul 7, 2022 19:06:30 GMT -5
Wow! All I had to do was let them know if it was going to be private pay, or if the government was paying. They sure do things differently there.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 7, 2022 20:09:49 GMT -5
At the end of it we got lucky. Things are about as right as they will ever be with the characters involved.
Hindsight being what it is all this could have been avoided just asking me at the beginning. I am not direct next of kin and have no potential conflicts of interest.
But no. My stupid family and I.do it too.doesnt ask till it's almost too late.
To.me credit I'll at least say I've successfully combated this professionally.
I don't like holding the bag because I have no choice. Or no other choice I find I can peacefully live with I should say.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on Jul 8, 2022 6:47:17 GMT -5
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 8, 2022 10:30:32 GMT -5
Yay so today I go to the bank to get all that done and then I have to go play nice with the director. I have a feeling she assumes I am also medical POA and I am not. I made sure to highlight that on the POA that it excludes medical. There is no legal reason whatsoever my dad cannot be her medical POA he just has to stay away from her finances. I cannot approve my grandmother's care plan or anything like that outside of how much it costs.
Even if we didn't have one it would still be my father because he's her next of kin. I'm not.
I am definitely not taking on my grandmother's social life for the nursing home either. I can't get ahold of someone who is in the hospital and refuses to learn how to use a phone because he's convinced he's an invalid. Once he is settled THEN we can get them together. GU and my grandma are not a 2 for 1 on my part. GU is a distant relation to my dad, even further to myself. I have no obligations to look out for him too. And besides it is none of her damn business because he isn't her client.
I walked my dad through exactly where he went wrong. He took it with good grace and accepted that he was an idiot. He admitted he deserved what happened and he actually doesn't blame the social worker for that part of the ordeal.
That went a lot better than I expected. I won't lie there was a part of me that was worried he wasn't going to take responsibility for a moment because you do question things. It's natural and smart.
I said you're going to have to make nice with the director too because of A) optics and B) this is not my mother I sign the checks that is it.
I still want my complaint about ADA compliance checked out hopefully they do look into that. I am legit concerned about the condition of my grandma's legs and her ability to walk. How much of it is her and how much of it is they are refusing to acknowledge and deal with she has cerebral palsy. Every damn doctor in the area is booked solid we can't find anyone independent from the nursing home yet to exam her.
I will take dad with me to go visit her tomorrow. Lawyer said they cannot legally refuse to let him see his mother. I'm there to act as witness so I can say he didn't talk to her about money or anything. It has been distressing her that he hasn't visited in weeks and I think he'd be better and she'd listened to him better about the situation with GU.
I am so freaking tired. DH pointed out that in general this was about as good as an outcome as we could have hoped. My dad really really stepped in it, things could have been so much worse. She was apparently content to get my dad off financial POA and backed off.
That doesn't make me exactly happy with it all though. But I am better than yesterday. I'm going to put on my big girl panties and do what I need to do.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 8, 2022 10:49:18 GMT -5
NomoreDramaQ1015.. Is there any chance you can get a private PT come to the nursing home? My experience in a very high priced, exclusive nursing home where I was parked for rehab from surgery was that it sucked…..badly. For me to be able to come home (this was after my hips were removed), I had to be able to transfer myself from walker to chair/wheelchair/bed, toilet myself, dress myself and be able to comfortably walk with aids. PT and OT sucked. I was supposed to have both daily, but they regularly canceled on me. Then they’d show up while I was eating or showering (both scheduled times on my white board) and bail. It happened so frequently that looking back I suspect it was deliberate. I doubt I got 1/3 of my scheduled appointments. I think I could have gotten out 2 weeks earlier (I was in a month) had I had all the PT I was supposed to receive. I have had a lot of PT in my life…..in the hospital, at home and outpatient. The nursing home was the worst by far. If it was like this for me, where they were getting paid $10k+/mo, I can’t imagine how bad it might be elsewhere.
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snapdragon
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Post by snapdragon on Jul 8, 2022 10:59:28 GMT -5
Sending hugs Drama. The outcome is what it is and it could have been so much worse so I guess everyone just be grateful charges were dropped.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 8, 2022 11:11:05 GMT -5
NomoreDramaQ1015 .. Is there any chance you can get a private PT come to the nursing home? My experience in a very high priced, exclusive nursing home where I was parked for rehab from surgery was that it sucked…..badly. For me to be able to come home (this was after my hips were removed), I had to be able to transfer myself from walker to chair/wheelchair/bed, toilet myself, dress myself and be able to comfortably walk with aids. PT and OT sucked. I was supposed to have both daily, but they regularly canceled on me. Then they’d show up while I was eating or showering (both scheduled times on my white board) and bail. It happened so frequently that looking back I suspect it was deliberate. I doubt I got 1/3 of my scheduled appointments. I think I could have gotten out 2 weeks earlier (I was in a month) had I had all the PT I was supposed to receive. I have had a lot of PT in my life…..in the hospital, at home and outpatient. The nursing home was the worst by far. If it was like this for me, where they were getting paid $10k+/mo, I can’t imagine how bad it might be elsewhere. I might pass that onto my dad as a possibility. That would assume we could find one with an opening and takes medicare but it might be something they haven't thought of. My grandma is paying $9k a month and they won't put on her shoes because it's "too hard". I get CNAs don't make much per hour but the nursing home is raking it in, I think you can tell your staff to put on the damn shoes for the price you are charging.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 8, 2022 11:44:10 GMT -5
Mine was 10 years ago….I’d hate to see what they charged today! I found the medical staff was pretty good. The CNAs were mostly good. PT and OT sucked.
When I left, I got a voicemail on my phone from the head honcho, accusing me of stealing the nursing home’s wheelchair. I had a wheelchair assigned to my room, and the orderly used it to transport me to the car. Apparently he did not return it to the room, so the natural assumption is that I stole it. When I called them back, I got his voicemail and left a message. When TD got home, I played the voicemail for him. TD called the next day and the head honcho returned HIS call. That pissed me off even more. He fell all over himself apologizing to TD, but he called me to accuse me, on my cell under my insurance and TD was not financially responsible for me. OMG was I pissed!
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Jul 8, 2022 12:03:57 GMT -5
First thing relax a bit. I go through sh** constantly and I have to pull back and relax. Hubs is always saying just do this, just do that, and then finds out he can't, LOL! I take care of all the paperwork. But I made sure we had everything in order, guardianship and POA. And I know that is hard to do, and can't always with some folks for some time.
If I were you, either yourself or someone else would keep a monthly accounting on a spreadsheet of all expenses for your granmother. Just reconcile each months bank statement and carry the balance forward, showing income and expenses by line. I combine personal, unless it's some huge expense, hygiene, clothing. It will make life easier.
Make a list of assets, if you aren't sure of the value, estimate and indicate. You need it for yourself and also to show the amounts to maintain those assets. I'm sure at some point a guardian will have to appointed if she lives long enough. Just be proactive and the lawyer and everyone will appreciate it. However, most elder care attorneys have people in their office, for a fee of course, who will track this stuff for you. I know ours will when I can no longer do it. So that too is a possibility.
I didn't think it would go anywhere with your dad writing a check for the uncle. Now if he was writing checks for himself, that is a different story. It sounds like she has to infuse money into his business periodically. Not a good situation and this is going to have to stop since she is getting in the system. I am also a fiduciary for VA, very little money now, but I am super careful with how I handle funds and account for every dime. Same with DD.
And yes, I get super frustrated, but long as I don't have to physically care for her I will manage. So calm down, look at it logically, and it will be ok. So many of us end up facing this and of course they don't want to give up control, I don't either when my time comes.
Later
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 8, 2022 12:14:28 GMT -5
As long as I am not asked to be medical and I am not her social secretary I am fine. My parents and the lawyer both agreed there is no reason I should have to be medical at any point and the nursing home can't make me either.
I also have every right to say I don't know how to get ahold of GU at this time and I plan on talking to her about it. That's all I can do.
That's why I didn't want to have fireside chat over the phone with the director of the nursing home. I wanted to be walked through exactly what I am expected to do and what I DON'T have to do with the lawyer first. He patiently explained it to me and said I can call any time with questions. I took the time last night to read the paperwork.
I didn't want her pressuring me into taking on stuff I don't want to do and I have been too on edge to be confident in myself that I wasn't going to cause trouble by establishing boundaries. Plus I was afraid I might lash out in anger or frustration and look where that got me with the DHS agent. I needed to make sure I could plaster a smile on my face and in my voice.
Now I am calmer and have legal assurance I have every right to not want to be involved any further than signing checks and I do not have to be. Dad just needs to stay away from her money, he as next of kin can continue to be in charge of the rest and the director will have to suck it up. She can't cut my dad out of grandma's life completely and expect me to take it all over.
So I am okay now. That was my biggest fear is that I just signed away my life to caring for grandma's every need and the nursing home's every whim. Then I'll be stuck doing it for possibly another 20 years right as my parents age, DH starts aging and I am not exactly a spring chicken myself.
I have A LOT of trauma around aging right now that I need to find time to work through.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 8, 2022 16:57:43 GMT -5
It's all done. I'm tired I don't get why the heck her shit is all the way in Millard when she lived in Treynor. You couldn't pick a bank with a branch here?
I swear if another account pops up and I have to drive to Wichita I'll flip.
Thank God DH and I do everything via internet. I forgot how much a PITA it is to do all this without technology.
Everything seems to be square. Now we'll just move forward.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Jul 8, 2022 18:36:18 GMT -5
You will have to pay bills at her home it sounds like, lights, water, all that, mowing, property taxes, from her funds, and insurance, perhaps until everything is done. So there will be other bills to pay besides the fee for the nursing home.
Our attorney advised us to do nothing with MIL's money or any assets unless fully disclosed. When she first went into assisted living, she said sell the car. She signed off and we did, I would not touch the check and had them send it directly to the lawyer, because it was sold to a granddaughter and we didn't want it to look like anything was wrong. We didn't do anything with the house or anything for years, actually till the 5 years was done. Even though hubs and his brother were named owners she has the right to live there till her death. The lawyer said selling things like that before the 5 years we could end up having to replace the money. In fact we still own her house and it will not be sold until she passes. Of course, she can't live there but we want to make sure it's right. So we bought the brothers half out. Our accounts are reviewed by the court annually, I keep an accounting of everything and had to even before she was on medicaid.
I'm not sure how you just got the GU's name off everything, actually he would have owned half of it. Was he just a POA? Just curious how that flew with medicaid?
Just follow the lawyers advice, they can help you do it right. And those fees can come from her accounts since you need this advice to care for her. It has really gotten tricky anymore and with more and more people having to rely on medicaid, the state is getting what it can.
Good luck and hope it gets better for you. It's sure not fun stuff to have to take care of.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 8, 2022 18:45:18 GMT -5
Nope all that is automatic.
All I pay is the nursing home.
There are different types of Medicaid. The hospital applied the first time for the wrong one and he got kicked off due to sharing an account with grandma.
The hospital social worker is working with his doctor to get the right one. IDK how it all works but he's close to approval.
Not my problem. I didn't volunteer to take on two old people's problems.
He's been off for over a year or more. My dad had to get him off after grandma fell because the last thing anyone needed was the hospital trying to contGU.
Because he would have tried to handle it without talking to my dad.
That lead to the pricey prepaid funeral my grandma has and various other headaches because you had two geriatric old farts making decisions they aren't capable of making anymore and not talking to the younger folks.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jul 8, 2022 20:42:35 GMT -5
I almost hate to bring this up, but since you've been kind enough to take the financial part on, you'll have to be sure grandma's taxes get done every year. Just keep her expenses organized, and let an accountant do the actual taxes. The only good thing about being in a nursing home is that it's tax deductible. Just wanted to warn you early, so you wouldn't be shocked early next year... Hang in there! BTDT.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 8, 2022 21:04:52 GMT -5
I'll worry about that next year. My parents are helping I can probably utilize my dad's bookkeeper to help me.
I'm not alone.
Thinking about it and how exhausted I am just today I'm realizing how easy it was for my dad to get in over his head.
He's been doing it alone for not just my grandma but GU too. And they are so enmeshed that you can't just set aside one to focus on the other.
This has beengoingon long beforeshe fell too.
So while this was very bad perhaps the universe was sending a wake up call
Now he's got no choice but to let me help.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 17, 2022 16:42:34 GMT -5
I decided I am probably going to limit visits to once a month if dad wants to do more than that two. I'd not go at all but as the lawyer said "optics" so I have to at least make an appearance every once and awhile. I had to process my last visit with my dad to really put my finger on what was going on. My grandmother turned into a totally different person than she is with me. She flat out LIED to my dad about being mobile. This woman would be the ultimate poker player if allowed. I swear to God this woman is so deep in pathological lying that she believes it is truth. It was James McAvoy in Split level acting. I had no idea that person was hiding underneath, I think she forgot after awhile I was there and dropped the loving grandma schtick. I WAS being gas lit during all this but not by the two players I thought I was. My radar was going off but it wasn't pinging because of the two you'd think. I went in the totally wrong direction. We know somewhat how much is her lying vs the home as well. She was making BIG talk about her mobility while I was sitting there shaking my head behind her back. My dad called her bluff and told her use the walker to go the bathroom then. She couldn't it took two nurses to get her out of the chair. My grandma's personality change really threw me but I finally figured out what really upset me. I was watching my dad be emotionally abused by her and didn't know WTF to do. I didn't feel it was my place to rush to defend him. I am hoping though that having me there going "Dude, this is F-ed up" helps him cut through her crap better. He's normally there by himself. She finally managed to piss me off by saying that "everyone falls" and she didn't understand what the big deal was. Grandma my DH REFUSES to talk about what he saw that day. If we hadn't shown up you'd be dead I think the comment you are looking for right now is "Thank you!" But I didn't because we don't know who is listening now at the nursing home. The last thing they need to hear come out of our mouths is the condition she was found in or the condition of the house when it happened. Enough damage has been done. I can't believe how big of a ride she's taken us all for. She does absolutely have short term memory problems. She also 100% backed herself into a corner playing games like GU did and it resulted in her being unable to live at home. All of that is true. It's the rest of it that I am questioning. How much of her memory is REALLY going and how much of that is an act with me and the home? Cause she sure was pretty damn sharp talking to dad. I won't get into some of the stuff they have found digging into her finances involving GU. I can see where the nursing home thought that was fraud now because none of us can believe it either. Woman wouldn't buy her husband a wheelchair when he had cancer her son had to do it but she has been giving THOUSANDS to her brother for years! YEARS like before I was born amount of years! What the F did I walk into?! Then my dad did get "convicted" of elder abuse. Not criminally and won't go to jail but it is going to be on his record for the next 10 years. He has to talk to the lawyer about what that means as far as background checks and stuff. And if that could impact moving grandma. I said to ask if perhaps I can do it as her financial POA because I sign her checks anyhow now. I am fresh as newly fallen snow so maybe I'd have a better shot. Not that at the moment I am super keen to help her with anything. Both her and GU are just way worse people than I ever thought possible. I will do this because it is the right thing to do to help my dad. If the two of them if it hadn't caught us all up in their web could go rot thanks to the consequences of their actions for all I care. After witnessing THAT so many puzzle pieces fell into place. I recognize now as an adult and parent myself that my dad made a tremendous effort to break the cycle with no family, no therapy and no medication to help. He wasn't perfect but he miles away a better parent than my grandmother ever was or could be. I know my dad loves me and is proud of me. I cannot say with any confidence that my grandmother even cares about my dad outside being her victim after last weekend. I question quite literally everything now I ever thought I knew about her. Now I question the things she was saying about the nursing home. They cannot fault me for reporting what I heard if they are investigated because I had every right to report them as they had the right to report my dad. I still feel really awkward about it now though. I do not think they are totally innocent in all this either they went full on nuclear and need to own that their own behavior reinforced what grandma told me so if they get their hands slapped they need to own their actions. Also I don't buy for a second they actually care about old people they care about the money like any corporation does. If there wasn't a decent chunk of change available I am skeptical they would have been as gung ho as they were. BUT I wonder how much they are being played by her too. They see a sweet little old lady being harmed by her evil dominating son. They don't have any clue who is hiding behind that facade.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 18, 2022 7:19:59 GMT -5
Big hugs, drama. I had a huge post, but my computer ate it. In short remember 2 things: 1) your grandma is disordered. Accommodating that comes first. And yes, the sad truth is that probably doesn't care about anything else other than filling her own narrative and getting her own needs met. You can't compare her to a functional person, she's not. You can compare her to a dysfunctional person. And, she sounds, pretty typical. 2) There's something about older generations supporting their blood kin. We're older. But, DH's grandma and great uncle lived near each other. We think great uncle stayed with his grandma later on. He even bought some furniture so he could be comfortable in her house. My great aunts lived next door to each other or with each other for pretty much their whole adult lives. There were a few exceptions, but they were short lived. So, it doesn't surprise me that your grandma prioritized GU over her own husband. Especially given #1, above. Also, it really screws with you when you don't know what the truth is.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jul 18, 2022 8:15:36 GMT -5
My single uncle made decent money and made good investments. He was the one who had grandma living in his house for the over 40 years of widowhood. The oldest sister had not married well and her husband never made enough money for them to live on. My uncle supported that sister until the day she died at age 97. He was already deceased but had made provisions in his will to take care of her. She had never been employed and never drove.
What he was doing for my Grandma and aunt did not hurt him financially. He never asked for anything from his siblings to help care for grandma. When she died there was about $200 in her checking account. They told him to keep it and anything else there might be since she was one who hid money. He earned it.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 18, 2022 8:21:44 GMT -5
I've always known grandma had a screw loose she came from an extremely abusive household and that does stuff to you. I just had no clue HOW MANY screws are loose. I've never seen her in action with my dad before. She's always kept that glossed over in my presence. IDK if she forgot I was there, doesn't care by this point, the filter is going or a combination of all three. Either way that visit was a complete mind f*ck. If she was just up there in Treynor I wouldn't be so concerned about it. But the web of dysfunction now involves a third party that has made it clear they will bring down the hammer. Not knowing what she is feeding them is concerning. I know I can't control it but it would be nice to be able to compare notes but that's not going to happen now. They see a sweet defenseless old lady who was thrown onto their doorstep with a broken collar bone while her evil family was having Thanksgiving. Us keeping our distance probably didn't help our case any. It wasn't a matter of our mental well being it was we were still neglecting this poor sweet old woman. I can totally see how this all collapsed around my dad now. I am NOT excusing the mistakes that he made he's 100% responsible for those. That being said this is helpful for me. While I am not dumb enough to make my dad's mistakes I can see where there are traps set for me as well. The need to watch my back involves more than just her checkbook. I can also see where my mom now thinks all this was planned. Probably not the nearly dying due to a fall part, that likely wasn't planned out but that she was playing games with my dad and it ended up backfiring. Now she's punishing my dad differently for not getting the outcome she wanted from it. I'm fully in support of moving her some place else now and not because of the money I could give two shits about Medicaid now. There has been too much damage done with this skilled nursing home. A new one would be us placing her not the hospital and give us the opportunity to tell own side of things and they won't have a tragic backstory coloring their opinion. That is IF we can move her my dad's mistakes could cost us there. I'll wait to see what news I get after he talks to the lawyer. Supporting GU didn't hurt her any though it sure would be nice to have that money now. It DID hurt GU, that is why he is in the mess he is now. Not being able to stand on his own two feet not only has landed him to where he is a danger to himself so he cannot live alone it also lead to him not being able to support himself in old age. And I don't mean like he only has SS so has to budget not support himself but he cannot even pay for groceries level of poverty. Poverty and helplessness to the point where my dad and the minister had to abandon GU in the ER lobby to get the state to help. This shit is the making of a Lifetime movie.
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countrygirl2
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Post by countrygirl2 on Jul 24, 2022 19:53:10 GMT -5
Believe me nursing homes see anything and everything. Old people, like us when the mind starts messing up, well they are used to that. I'm not sure what all has happened, but a lot of what you are dealing with is common in nursing homes. Please try to relax, there are all kinds of family dynamics that play out in these places. I've seen a lot of it myself.
I do not understand the part about your dad getting in trouble though, that one kind of gets me. If they were trying to get medicaid, well that would have been another story. But patient pay, that makes no sense, at least to me.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 27, 2022 9:56:56 GMT -5
So dad finally let the state have GU. He told them he has too much going on with his wife. This is his uncle he has no legal obligation to him because he never signed anything so the social worker needs to figure it all out from here on. I think that is a "good" thing to come of this it finally pushed my dad to remove that burden from his plate. I am working on grandma. We need to figure out how she went from $12k in her bank account when all this started and supposedly no one could access the account except for the DHS to the check for August bouncing. I am working on getting her money from her retirement account. That has been a barrel of fun. The woman seriously had them mailing her checks from Witchita Kansas for her monthly distribution then having my grandfather drive her all the way out to 108th to deposit the check rather than allowing it to happen electronically. I told dad I wouldn't be shocked if the check shows up via stage coach. It just boggles my brain that you'd willing choose to be that bass ackawards when it comes to technology. So I may start getting calls we'll see. My response to them is going to be according you you guys the only people allowed to touch her money were you and DHS until a week ago. You are supposedly watching her accounts like a hawk which is what started all this. YOU explain to ME where that money went. You can see from the statements we didn't move anything around in that time frame so good luck blaming us this time. But until then I could give two shits about grandma's situation anymore than I do GU's. The two of them made their bed and I would be more than happy at this time to let the nursing home have grandma if they put up a stink and I told dad this yesterday. My priority is my mother.
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snapdragon
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Post by snapdragon on Jul 27, 2022 10:37:42 GMT -5
hugs Drama -- I am sorry that your parents are being so affected by two stubborn old farts.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jul 27, 2022 12:58:00 GMT -5
I am working on getting her money from her retirement account. That has been a barrel of fun. The woman seriously had them mailing her checks from Witchita Kansas for her monthly distribution then having my grandfather drive her all the way out to 108th to deposit the check rather than allowing it to happen electronically. I told dad I wouldn't be shocked if the check shows up via stage coach. It just boggles my brain that you'd willing choose to be that bass ackawards when it comes to technology. My dad had his pension checks mailed to him every month. My mom still pays her bills in cash. I don't think that's a bad thing sometimes, because it gets her out of the house once a month. Otherwise, I'm not sure she'd leave the house.
She won't get a little net book. She won't get wifi.
She probably has 2K of uncommitted funds a month. I figure dad's pension, SS, and any RMDs give her about 4K a month. Her bills run her 2K.
She tells people she's to broke to be able to afford modern technology
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